The Central Etchos - Lampoon Special 2016

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A LAMPOON SPECIAL BY THE CENTRAL ECHO

Name: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Date: ________________________________ Score:________________

01 Unleash your inner origami master. Crease and fold as you can. 02 Summer is just around the corner! Wrap your mangoes.

03 Use as pang-gatong to make lutô your favorite neighbor. 04 Fan yourself #HotProblems. 05 Involuntarily swat your seatmate who has a resemblance to a mosquito. 06 Tear to make confetti for your shallow amusement. 07 Doodle your life as if you have one. 08 Use to wipe your booty. 09 Chew when hungry. 10 Wala ka ginarequire, waay ka ginapressure, pero just in case may extra time ka, wala ka gid ginapilit, may free will man ‘ta tanan, pero basi pa man lang nga maisipan mo basahon maskin 'di mo gusto, tutal nabaydan mo na man ni. Love, CE A lampoon, or parody, is an imitative work created to mimic, or comment on, and trivialize an original work, its subject, author, and some other target using ridicule and sarcasm. The Central Echo publishes a lampoon special to tackle issues in a satirical manner.

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REVIEWS page 10

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

News

M.A.M.A. posing with her LLV bag

MAMA GOES ON SHOPPING SPREE

BY VLADDY HELL

Xavier Philippine University for Gifted Youngsters was host to the shopping spree of the notorious Michaelangela Abramovic Mikhael Amore, more popularly known as Mama, during the festive XPU-GY Opening of Plastic Cups and Premature Ejacufireworks Show.

Part of the University’s 365-Day Sale, Mama is rumored to have collected items totaling nearly 69 Terillion Chinese Yuan. Mama’s favorite products to “shop” included WhyPhones, Ahsus Forehead-top computers, 24K Mercury and Astatine Jewelry, as well as Muriatic-in-

fused BVLjakGARI perfumes.

“This campus-wide free-for-all shopping spree was like the best freaking experience of my life. The products were like so cheap, they were almost free. It was such a good bargain too ¬– very much a STEAL” said Mama, while stuffing items into her already overflowing Luis Linagaan Vuitton bag.

“The best part is that the students here are so hospitable, carefree, and most important of all NOT VERY ALERT. Everywhere is like an open mall waiting to be raided.” laughs Mama, while picking up random bags left unattended at the XPU big field.

“Next time, I’m planning to bring my best friends Janet Napoles-Kardashian-West and

Imelda Marcos-Jolie-Pitt. I know right, totally Hashtag Squad Goals,” she exclaimed joyously while being chased by the toned, muscular, and half-naked XPU security guards.

Unfortunately for Mama, she had to be temporarily detained because her MasterBae credit card was rejected due to lack of funds. However, after the mix-up was resolved, Mama was immediately released back into the world.

Michaelangela Abramovic Mikhael Amore is a member of the Kleptonia royal family of Miag-ao. Mama’s brother Pietro Abramovic Pavlov Amore, very much at-large, is equally popular for his binge shopping episodes. b

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

News 3

XPU IS ILOILO’S MOST HAUNTED

BY NIPOLO MAKIAVELLI

And yes, we’ve never been any prouder.

In a recent survey done by Creepypasta. com.org.ph.edu.local.excel, our very own Xtra Popular University has been ranked as the most haunted place in the entire Iloilo, placing other universities and even other ghost hotspots in the city at the lower ranks of creepy-dom.

The survey was done with 665 plus one correspondents, composed mostly of YouTubers, Creepypasta enthusiasts, Taylor Swift fans, One Direction fans, KathNiel fans, JaDine fans, and selected Central Etchos staff members.

According to one high ranking official

of XPU (we’re sorry, we have no idea who he is; he was wearing a Jigsaw mask when we did the interview), this achievement is “scary as hell, but hell yeah awesome” and it would help promote the reputation of the university.

“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones,” the Jigsaw mask wearing official said, feeling guilty because he copied the quote from Stephen King.

The most common testimonies that the survey has gathered are the following: suspected poltergeist activity at the Joblee Science Hall, a hidden bunker beneath the Little Stuart Hall where a subterranean secret society is said to be holding meetings, alleged “little people” playing in the Beg Field every midnight, a headless horseman scouting the interior of the Rosie Memorial Auditorium, probably doomed to search for his lost NSTPei attendance slip for eternity . . .

and I’m too scared to mention more.

But probably the most well-known of all is the story about the headless jogger making rounds within the University every three to four in the morning.

We tried to ask this headless jogger for a statement, but he didn’t make any reply.

Nevertheless, according to Frank from the movie Donnie Darko, in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds, the University will be receiving a posthumous award from an organization funded by the drunkard fans of Edgar Allan Poe. “Pero sa tuod lang, ang pinaka-kululbaan gid di ya sa atun indi ang mga murto ukon ang mga dwende, kundi ang pag-pila para sa pag bayad sang tuition,” the Jigsaw mask official finally added, before fading into pitch-black nothingness. b

FUSION EXPLOSION

BY ANGHEL SINAG

Yes, fireworks. Those explosions you see in the sky that stank of gunpowder. Enjoyed by many, these blasts could be relished anytime and anywhere in the XPU campus without the permission of anyone. For example, it’s your friend’s birthday, so you’re authorized for some explosions. Another example would be during College Day, where one’s theme is Fusion, and by fusion, it could also mean the amalgamation of chemicals.

Chemicals such as potassium chlorate, charcoal, and sulfur that combine with oxygen

producing heat and light and along with different metallic compounds, you could produce different colored fireworks.

Fusion! That was the theme for the College of OUrts and Sciences’ College Day celebration. Yes, you heard that…read that.

Apparently, COUS had Goku and Vegeta as guests, and they try to fuse into Go-geta.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl wanted to fuse together to become Alexandrite while fireworks flashed in the sky. No, that obviously did not happen. Except for the fireworks, of course. The theme Fusion needed a climax to FUSION / page 9 

Headless jogger caught jogging w/o jogger pants Explosion caused by fartworks at XPU

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chos.

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Pool Monkey Morefeel EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Mickey Mouse Gracia ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Charlie Chaplinrey MANAGING EDITOR

Viivee Pato NEWS EDITOR

JustChoken’ ECHOSERONG CHEKEN

Thick Vladdy Merry Bird-in-hand Magellan Jejiel Varshellane FEATURE EDITORS

Bryan Frying Pan Anghelita Reyes LITERARY EDITORS

The halls of the university resemble the old ways; the division in society, rich and poor.

that many kids just do not know how precious knowledge is.

How wonderful it is to see them getting out of their cars in their dazzling and glittering attires. Seeing them seems to ensnare the mere ones into a lucid dream. A princess that is seen as perfect, glamorous, stylish and smart, yes there she is. Like a doll that came to life, looking pretty is all that matters to her. And a rich kid who does not care about what the hell is happening in the class because he knows that the professor has a price tag upon his sleeves.

Kids that do not care about education, learning and knowledge: the beautiful people.

There are many admirable beautiful people on campus: people who only know how to look good and then pretend to know something when in fact, know nothing that even simple common-sense questions seem to be very difficult for them. They only know how to read the projected slides on the screen, but have no damn idea what they even mean; those who use all kinds of freaky stuff just to get through a class day, those who never care of going to classes because they know some professors have a price they could afford to pay.

That seems to be the new norm in society.

If you do not look good, then you do not belong. If you don’t wear signature brands and latest style, then you are an “eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww” to them. One may think that even if you are not smart, but have the looks and the money, you deserve more in society.

Twosiforo Barina, Jr. Pearorraine Bordero Bic Alis Dyan Moreno

I think the university seems to care less about the quality of education that students get. Perhaps, it is because they may be more concerned about the money that goes in. How sad it is that despite the substandard education students get, for as long as they can pay the price, they will still get through.

MOP Fandanggo sa Ilaw Ether Den Gwa Da Lupe! Jr.

On the other hand, some rich kids who do not attend classes still earn passing marks.

Even when they do not take exams and submit every requirement in school, still, they get high grades. How shameful it is to think

FILIPINO/SPORTS EDITOR

STAFF WRITERS

Isa Marie Biscuit Dayaon Ether Den Gwa Da Lupe! Sr. PHOTOJOURNALISTS

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Some people value things that will make them look good, but unfortunately, they do not put a high premium on things that will make them smart. Looking at them is bewitching, but in reality, it is just so disappointing. It is even more interesting to hear the professor say, “It's disappointing. You are indeed pretty but, you don’t have any idea at all.” If appearance were the basis of grades in the university, then the not-so beautiful would suffer.

Everything happens for a reason because time is gold.

DSL Puto Lanson

WEB ADMINISTRATORS

Alien Tabi-Tabi Po

ITD

ADMINS

DIGITAL ARTIST

Unik Kanyon Nag Katol Juan Dabid Para sa Masa LAYOUT ARTISTS

Roon Andyan, Doon Kaldo Esterosa Roma Raket Re-Ah! Angelic-Ah! Bilis-Ah! ADVISERS OFFICE 3RD FLOOR WAX, OOOYY! BALDE. TELEPHONE BY LADY GAGA EMAIL CENTRAL.ETCHOS@PALAKA.COM

LAMPOON LAYOUT BY JOHN DAVID MASAHISTA

- cliche filler from brainyquote.com

The modern caste system and the difference in the levels of societal equity can now be widely seen even more clearly and vividly, that even though they attempt to overcome it, it just won’t disappear; it is an undeniable fact. Students don’t value education that much anymore; somehow to some they don’t matter at all.

Money dictates the society. Money determines education. Money determines the future.

The beautiful people, along with those

shameless ‘price-tag’ professors, have finally revealed their true and distinct colors.

Remember, that the beautiful people will not be able to exercise their oppressive authority if those educated ‘price-tags’ won’t allow them to.

Until when will these beautiful people rule?

The established legacy of the great universipage 5 

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

Opinion 5

DIRTY CAMPAIGN OffWithTheirHeads DODO BIRD

On February (state your birthdate), the COMELEC declared the beginning of the campaign period for candidates (which most candidates don’t care about because they have already campaign paraphernalia every-single-where far before this has officially begun).

In response, the few who have been left behind go to studios to have the photos for their posters taken by self-proclaimed best photographers in town for their possession of a Nikon and very astonishing ability to blur the background for no reason. They smile with their mutated rabbit teeth. These photos are then heavily manipulated using Photoshop to look viable by getting rid of the semi-volcanic terrains occupying the entirety of their faces. Also, photos of dead people are sometimes added for a final touch. Soft copy of the poster is then sent to the nearest Outdoormaster for them to print it on tarpaulin (waterproof na, durable pa! Election Promo! Php 8.25 per sq. ft.!). After a few days, these posters are distributed to friends, relatives, electric posts, partly rotting trees, cement walls, overly urinated cement walls, jeepney drivers, carinderias and trisikad drivers and squatters (as roofing). This has become the culture of political election campaigning. It is a simple process - which needs to simply stop.

(As mentioned earlier, election posters are printed in tarpaulin. The tarpaulin has become a popular medium for advertisement, replacing the painful method of painting sako with one’s self-praised marvellous handwriting. They are

 BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE / from page 4 ty is tarnished by them. As matter of fact, the university also deserves an award for pretending that the beautiful people and ‘price-tag’ professors do not exist, and for being blind to this reality all this time. Maybe their hymn is Korn’s Blind, because they are so blind indeed,

water-proof, durable, and obviously non-biodegradable, best for outdoor advertising and, of course, roofing. Tarpaulin ads can print images with accurate colors and are fast to produce, which makes them more advantageous, providing more income to the nearest Outdoormaster. Paprint na!)

After the election, the tarpaulin streamers remain waterproof and durable. Some will be gathered by trisikad drivers. But how about the rest? Given that tarpaulins are non-biodegradable in nature, it is implied that these candidates do plan to hoard these rubbish on those heavily urinated walls. Should they be permitted to do so? And even if candidates cleaned these up after elections, these posters will surely add to solid waste which I confidently think affects the environment so unbeautifully.

Real eyes realize real lies - more cliche filler from brainyquote.com

colleges instead? Do they think most voters are too illiterate not to grasp the information from only one single and not double nor triple poster? Also, the quantity of a candidate’s poster depicts the level of narcissism one has. Do they love themselves so much that they post selfies of themselves with the fakest smiles possible in every single corner of the town, advertising their not-yet-but-nearly-exploding craters?

Should this insincere, impractical, judgmental, and narcissistic method be continued? Then, what should be our solution to this unpleasant campaigning process?

It is my firm stance, instead of using non-biodegradable selfie posters for campaign, to recommend that the COMELEC hire a professional head remover from the Game of Thrones with much experience on chopping humans to cut the heads of every politician running for any office (primarily those who are not in running attire) in the elections and post them in designated areas. It is easier to do because it will only need one clean slice from the head remover’s knife. It will be much cheaper because only one will be hired which means more funds for crocodile’s milk feeding and Binay candy distribution, leaving Outdoormaster with no income. The human head is purely biodegradable and will not leave an impact on the environment (some may even be faster to decompose for not containing a brain). It can be used to enrich the soil for agriculture. No duplicates will be produced preventing the above mentioned problems which may arise. It will display a candidate’s true sincerity by being willing to lose a head for the sake of serving the people with all their heart, which is what’s left.

There will be no need to spend for PCOS machines because there will be no elections. Plus, no corrupt politician or just plain politician will be added to our current set of professional thieves. We then will get rich and save lots of money, time and effort. Unfortunately though, the designated areas will inevitably, as they always do, display pungent garbage.

Aside from its environmental impact, these posters depict a sense of unpleasantness. The number of duplicates of posters placed side by side connotes their hunger for votes, their thirst for power, and not their plans to improve community. What if they used the money they spend on replicates on breast milk feeding in

The catch is, however, most have had plastic surgery an hour before the campaign period; the plastic and fake are obvious in their thick faces, implying that the severing of their heads may still lead to excessive pollution and may even deepen the devastation brought about by their sole existence. b

blinded by every peso that walks into the university gates.

whole argument actually earns itself a point.

The message will never be a message until the whole situation actually earns itself a message.

Everything will still be meaningless until people will start listening to the sound of silence.

The ramp walk of these beautiful people, will soon end, soon. b

Does everyone want to be beautiful?

The ending will never be an ending until the whole scenario actually earns itself an ending. The point will never be a point until the

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L E T Y O U R V O I C E B E H E A R D ---------- W H I L E S H O W E R I N G !

Delete Man, nadakpan na!

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

Baek ing

news

BY MYANACONDADONT

Nadakpan na gid man sang mga otoridad ang ginatawag sang kadam-an nga si Deleteman, ang ginahambal nga naga pang kidnap sang mga ginapang-post sang mga naga puyo sa Barangay AyyyyTeeeeDeeee.

Gintinguha-an sang mga pulis nga kwaan sya sang ngalan, ugaling wala gid sila may nakita nga ID. Suno sa mga kapulisan, naga pang-idaron sang 19 years old or above ang suspek, kag may

ara ini isa ka uban nga naga tubo sa iya ulo.

May ara man siya ginabitbit nga Ahoooohooosoooos nga Laptop kag may duwa ka mobile phones; suno kay Police Chief Dimakuntento, amo ini ang iya mga weapons of mass deletion.

"Teh amo ini ang mga ginapanggamit nya pang delete. Ubrahon ta ang tanan kay basi pwede ta pa man mabalik ang mga ginpang kidnap nya nga mga post sa ila mga ginikanan."

Kag nag sabat man si Deleteman.

"Bal-an mo gina-ubra ko lang ang gusto ko ubrahon. Wala man ko ubra, teh gin bored

!

Laragway sang ginapasuni nga si Delete Man

ako. Wala man ko upod sa apartment ko. Kag not enough ang akon sweldo para nga may inug-bayad ko sa akon apartment. Boring man kung kis-a bay, kay wala gid ko upod sa apartment ko, teh amo na eh," siling ni Deleteman.

Ipaidalom pa sa isa ka drug testing si Deleteman, kay basi naka suyop man lang siya daw sang MikMik nga expired.

Ginapangabay man sang mga kapulisan nga tani mag kooperar man ang tanan sa ipagahiwaton nga imbestigasyon, kay basi pati ining ginsulat ko ma delete man....ni Deleteman. b

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

Opinion 7

CRUSH EMPHASIS WEEK, CRASHES!

BY THE HIDDEN ONE

Hayy Naku!! Na tapos naman gid ang ginahulat sang tanan nga mga fallen kag mga broken, ang Crush Emphasis Week with the theme: “ Last Chance mo na to, promise!”. Ay abaw pwerti!!

Balita ko sa mga ligoy kag sige lang DOTA di sa campus gin-adjust gid kuno sang CHEAPYOU ang schedule of classes just for the students to attend this very especial celebration. Edi wow! Kayo na! but sad to say, according to the head of the security here at CHEAPYOU, Lost and Found cases were rampant during the said event.

“Uso na gid bi ang dula-ay subong, gadula-dula gani ang pagpalangga ayhan pa sila”, hugot ni Manong Guard nga bulag.

Well, well, well, diin gid bala nagkadto ang mga estyudante sang CHEAPYOU nga indi sila

makita sa UC (Unoccupied Center), EMC(EMotiCon) kag RMA (Rock Me Aldub), amo ini ang gina-imbistigaran sang SOCO (Seen On Chat Only)upod si Bash Abundash.

Wanna know the truth? Warning: the truth hurts! Not once but much!!. Well, during CEW sessions samtang gaupod ta jamming sang mga gina kanta nga romantic kag hopeless songs sang mga banda, kag gapamati sa mga hugot sang Love Guros and Experts di sa CHEAPYOU, baw ang mga Toto kag mga Inday lost gid.

Nawawala… nawawala sa CEW ay nahanap na pala, matagal na.

Dakpan gid sila Dodong kag Badiday sa kilid-kilid gapabebe, tambay-tambay under the tree, padoding sa Centenya Walkway kag sa halfmoon ga PDLA (Public Display of Lust and Affection). Hayayayy!! Bongga gid ya! So what bahala na lang si Batman sa inyo!

“Its not awarr loss, its theirs. Abi nio mga Nonoy kag Nene may forever kamo? Ma-split

man japun kamo,” said one of the students who diligently attended the sessions from Day 1 to last. “Hindi kami bitter, honest lang!” she added.

Meanwhile, this is the heart crashing speech from the other side, “Kami ang pa-ETCHOS guys and gurls wala kayong pakialam!!!, wala kayong PAKIALAM!!!, WALA KAYONG PAKIALAM!!!!!” .

Aba, mabato. Sige dumugay ah, dumugay!! Ti, naglaba na lang ang News kay kagamo sa inyo.

Oh, almost forgot. Kudos gali sa mga may COMMON SENSE nga students sang CHEAP YOU nga nag-attend CEW. “Perfect love is about to come to you, ngunit tandaan na ang mga stars ay gabay lamang, sa huli nasa mga kamay mo pa rin ang iyong future,” Madamme Scouring said.

Hopefully sa iban da nga ga tanga lang, untati niyo na na ang pag-assume please. Walang kayo! Hindi kayo MU. Don’t let your heart bleed and never let your heart crash! BANG! Peace be with u  b

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

8 谢谢您的阅读

SIGNATURES TO INCINERATORS

BY MANINOY

Nikey, one of the world’s biggest sports apparel company, was boycotted by solid supporters of the boxing kicker, Mani Pacman.

After the alleged sexist comments of the champ towards same sex mirage, the world of social monkeys went ravaging at their keyboards. Recklessly typing words in spite the lack of knowledge of the exact words that the poor opiniownated pastor has said. Shaming the poor guy, along with his family, and worse, condemning him and advertising famous people’s bid of not voting for him.

Furthermore, global companies that have him as an endorser, suddenly pulled out their support and dropped the contracts to have him still as an endorser. Nikey, the biggest trash bin of apparels, expressed their disgust after the video leaked and pulled him out as their endorser.

With all the types of people shaming and making fun of the poor champ, still, he maintained his composure and kept his silence to avoid further commotion. But where did he get it wrong? Did he said a bad thing? Is he bad?

FOUND N' LOST

BY MASTER OF HIDE AND SEEK

"I found a iPhone!!!! I think its new, as you can see in glittering plastic skin of it, I'm just wondering who lost it in the Full Moon. The location where I found it, t Tesnner is just beside of the Food and Drink r Dispenser. Just pm me, or meet ri youamma me up in my apartment in luxury Gr Nazi!

8 gate, I also posted a picture of it. #LostAndFound #ConcernedCenterStudent. harthart* and BLASTED by other emojis that you can think of in this world." Posted by InnocentSimpleGirlActuallyRichieAkoTe! This is the post in the "the Insignificant slash Twitter and Drama" group notified me. I was really shock!! to what InnocentSimpleGirlActuallyRichieAkoTe! posted in the group. The group is a specially made to solicit comments and suggestions from the students regarding the trending issues that concern the University and its community. And now, a lot of important post is being posted every day, Just like Innocen-

Well, the monkeys sure as hell have answer supported by nonsensical claims.

Bais Ghunda in his/her (or whatever) interview clearly stated his/her disappoint-

Mani Pacman in pull ger

tSimpleGirlActuallyRichieAkoTe! posted.

This kind of post is being sensualize by the students in the past few weeks even I, is becoming concerned to the growing numbers of items and feelings that the owners are not giving a proper attention to it, and losing it in the abysmal void of despair. I dash, sprint and bolt to my Mac n' cheese laptop from my iPhone, so I can swiftly chat the admin of the group to inform them that this kind post is becoming rampant and out of hand.

And there's no help coming to this innocent owners that have lost their stuffs.

A member one time posted about what he feels, regarding to the post explaining his feelings to other post. And it like only got 123 reactions!? and 4 comments? I was like. Wwwhaaaaat?! jaw drop*. And this time a member posted exclaiming his thoughts and opinions about his life. And no one bother to take notice, if so, they will comment something fluent and disturbing information that is offending.

The admin of the group, just responded to my chat. The Admin named WalangTimeSaGroup, replaied to me and he explained that "Oh no! Even we, can't offer help. BeFOUND N' LOST / page 13 

ments of Mani, and told the whole country to withdraw their support for his candidacy for the senate. Boy Abandonado, a renowned gay TV personality, also expressed his clearly and proudly personal view on the matter concerning their sector in the society.

People acted as big ignorant for accepting and sympathizing with the given opinions by these persona but rejecting the reality that Mani also just stated his opinion. Keyboard warriors, all knowing and dramatically acclaimed opinionators, indeed.

Nikey withdrew the contract with Mani, refraining from hiring him to be their endorser.

With these big turn-arounds, supporters of the great boxing champ boycotted the mentioned company by publicly burning the signature shoes of the company; Lebrons, Kobes, Durants, Hyperdunks, Jordans, Kyries and all other products produced by the business.

Nonetheless, Nikey expressed their surprise to the reaction of the world to their company’s actions. It was then revoked and said that Nikey tried to reach out to Mani again to take him back, but Mani had withdrawn, saying that he has his sight on signing a contract with Underarm Armour.

Mani just said that animals are better to be admired because they know what they are, what they are made for, what they should do.

Despite the fact that humans are the highest animal form, they are not able to see and know that a man was created to mate with a woman; and a woman was made to be with a man. I am not that much a believer, I am not that religious, but I think it speaks of the truth.

Those highly proclaimed stars shamed Mani’s family for so long, in spite of what he did to put our country’s name on the map; someone who brought glory and respect to this hypocrite land we live in. Giving his winnings as donation to build houses for the underpri vileged and storm-ravaged poor families.

Someone that took a beating for his country’s pride was condemned because of what he believes. I know that it is somehow free to be fools, but it does not mean to live it everyday.

When will we say that ignorance is not a trait of our race?

Nikey was left looking for a new face to carry the “Check” in the hand-to-hand combat. Mani will be calling it quits and hanging his gloves this April with his last fight against Bradley, while pursuing his political career. He is condemned by his own people, for whom he fought with all his might. He was seen as the Hero of every Filipino, but now he is seen as the idiot, sexist pastor with limited understanding.

How sad it is to feel? ≤

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

随机中国话 9

ISKANDALO SANG MANGGARANON

BY ALIPING KUBLI

Ginapanghaboy sang bayi ang kwarta niya nga gabukas iya baba

Babayi nasapwan nga nagareklamo kay tungod damo sya kwarta. Ang kontra, indi ya ka-edad. Nakita ang duwa nga naga baisay sa isa ka lugar kun sa diin ga kwentahanay sila sang mga balaydan para sa ini nga katapusan sang semester.

May mga bagay nga indi gid kis-a malikawan kag kis-a indi gid maklaruhan tungod sala ang impormasyon nga ginadulong sa aton sang kompyuter. Ang dalagita nga ini nag-reklamo kay ngaa kuno kapila na sya mag bayad, kag ngaa wala gid ya katapusan ang balayran sa eskwelahan.

“Ano gid ya problema mo dhai nga-a tanan nalang nga galastuhan kinahanglan ko baydan?

Indi ako responsable sa balaydan sang kalibutan galing ngaa ako gid gapas-an sang tanan nga problema diri?” suno sa babayi kag dugang pa sini, “Damo gid man ko ya kwarta, kag katalaka

 FUSION / from page 3 live up to its name, or else the term would be a simple word in the dictionary.

These incendiary materials used for entertainment, with or without authorization, should be handled properly since whoever would manage the pyrotechnics, would feel as fragile as a fetus. Surely, some fetuses would survive being aborted, right? Same with someone’s hand blown up by some firecracker.

To spice up the celebration, the College of OUrts and Sciences set up those amusing colored illuminative materials to get their party started. No one tried to stop them from having fun. Not even Lord Bills who tried all of the food set up on the festivity.

Grendel, who came all the way from the lore of Beowulf, did not complain about the noise the pyrotechnics made and even loved its smell. Yet, there were some who did. Who can blame them? Their type of enjoyment’s probably letting others not to enjoy it. b

na gid ya mangin manggaranon bala! You know that!”

Kaluoy man sang iya kontra nga sa pagkabalo sang tanan ginaubra niya man lang ang iya nga responsibilidad sa paglikom sang kwarta.

Siling sini nga amo na ya kuno ang ga-gwa sa kompyuter kag indi lang sya ya pagba-ison bala kay indi man na kuno iya sala. Okay?

DEAR SIR,

BY GUMI

A group of students await for their teacher at the Mang Thomas Building to start their class since he has the access to their lab room. They stand by at the empty hallway overlooking a secluded parking area beside the empty building. Their teacher is often late so they usually chat as the sun goes down. After half an hour of waiting for him, there he is, walking up the stairs silently and not minding the students for being noisy and all.

Let us call him by the name Sir “Joss.” He is a faculty member from a different department but teaches major subjects at the College of Commuter Studies. A young, handsome, and talented teacher is rarely to be found. Luckily he is there to guide the students taking up a newly-opened course. Students are more

Wala gihapon nag-untat ang ila nga pagbaisay asta naglab-ot pa ining gamo sa otoridad kag gina-imbestigahan ini nga kaso. Ginpatawag sila para sa madalom pa nga pag-usisa sang ila nga iskandalo.

Pahibalo lang nga mag-andam gid kita sa aton pagkwenta bangod indi lahog-lahog ang mangin manggaranon. Katalaka. b

drawn to him than to any of their other teachers in their majors subjects. Many students (especially girls) are stunned for he is by far the most attractive, approachable, inspiring and kindest teacher they have ever met. His glasses and ever-growing beard add up to his special qualities.

An interview with his student was conducted last February 2016, to get to know him more as a teacher. According to June, she was mesmerized by the dark brown eyes and captivating smile of Sir Joss every time she sees him. She felt motivated to finish all her works and she gets a chance to speak in front of the class without being nervous and without hesitation since she knew that Sir Joss was looking at her. “Crush ko na gid ya si sir!,” she added. In fact, 80% of his students have a hidden admiration towards him may it be in an affectionate way or a respect for a teacher. He is basically a heartthrob whenever he enters the room. Nonetheless, he genuinely teaches his students things he had learned and gives them advice for future reference. He is their inspiration. b

10 Opinion

REVIEWS B O O K S & M O V I E

Starting Trekkie Warfare

by BB Adams REVIEW BY

Alejandro Federico Tabac O’Tulomo Penultimo

Manual in PE 1 by the Hulk REVIEW BY

一个中国名字 On the 1st of November in 2015, the PE book was inhabited by angry radioactive ghosts which transformed it from being dull and boring to being humongous, muscular, and bright green.

Its accidental monstrosity brought much excitement to students, especially those who have always wanted to have that ideal Hulk physique which everyone runs after. It majestically used one sided printing to help readers (if any) be relaxed by providing them enough space to doodle Hulk. Font sizes are Hulkly enlarged for readers (if any) who are visually impaired to visibly spot incompetence in proofreading. It has 1,000,000,000x more pages than the amateurish and undeserving previous version, providing enough material for life sized bright green Hulk Paper Mache sculptures. Let superheroes fill the school instead of idiotic books.

Watch out for the next episode as these angry, worthless, radioactive ghosts create edition 3 of this marvelous and monstrous defecation. Coming soon. b

Pagbasa at Pagsulat tungo sa Paglipad ng mga Pahina

by Nene Deregla REVIEW BY

另一位中国名字 This textbook circulating in XPU is effectively tackling lessons about Filipino reading and writing. But it has one characteristic, however, which makes it unique: it is equipped with undeniably beautiful self-detaching leaves, which is increasingly beneficial during quizzes and exams. The feature was accidentally discovered, as most famous and very beneficial inventions, by a team of experts at XPU’s very own pressure cooker for ostriches and emus. It has since been patented by XPU and implemented on other books like RE 1 & 2. It has the ability to fly everywhere during lessons. Also, it can double as an emergency “Modess w/ wings” due to its extreme comfort, availability, and flying ability. This one-of-a-kind invention has once brought great pride and honor to our beloved Xentral. b

Greetings to all lesser beings and low brow intellectuals, this is your beloved and awesome two-timing winner of the Stellar Award in Attention Getting, the stupendous, the magnificent, the one and only Alejandro Federico Tabac O’ Tulomo Penultimo!

Previously in our last article about a minute ago (seems so long, no?) I dumbed down the plot of the classical novel series “Play My Throne” of the respected and revered Her Lady of the Order of the Gutter Gagarin Ramang Mangatao or Lady GrRMTM as she likes to be called. The novels had only one thing in common: To win the Throne, you must play everybody and screw the rest!

Here we had the controversy that caused flame wars and death threats across the world when it was collectively uploaded for an expensive price of $2.50 in the internet.

Now we move on as we have the newest, hottest thing since sliced bread! And it is the ancient and decrepit Starting Trekkie Warfare XXX: The Hot Sauce Version directed by Bambi Adams or BB Adams as she insists.

The story starts in the wet planet we all know and love as Mon Calamari, where a new hero named Verily Vain makes a shattering revolution in making the famed Calamari, in order to be the one viand to The Pork. But behold, a villain comes, who was given the unimaginative name of Cee Tru has made plans, plans that would make the Burnt Side of The Pork the true flavor once page 11 

THE CENTRAL ETCHOS LAMPOON SPECIAL 2016

 STARTING TREKKIE / from page 10 and for all. He steals Verily’s recipe and decides to corrupt it by adding MSG for its sinful taste to make it cheap. The hapless courier to the Dark Megas Cookeros, who is Cee’s Master, is the creatively named R63, a lovable droid that looks like a ball.

Of course, our plucky heroine won’t take it lying down with a smile. She’s determined to Get. The. Recipe. Back. Alongside her conscripted ally against his will Blak Jax, she steals

任何言语 11

a spaceship that ends in explosions and gore that would make Bay Tarantino proud. Too bad that the one thing that powers everything in the movie universe from The Pork itself to spaceships to thinking is called the Hype, which was nearing empty levels in the Cocky Sheet, their swag space ride. They have to go to the dreaded Shameless Promotion, planet of the Fanboys and led by the Supreme Meddling Executive Sidney, after Casul from Episodes IV to VI was bought out of power.

In order to please Sidney to give them

Hype, our heroes must give up their memories and former adventures from Episode I to 29, which is to be put into a flash chip called Canon and thrown out of the airlock, after that, it ends in a chilling cliffhanger, when their memories are replaced by the mysterious New Order.

That my dear friends, was the thrilling conclusion of a soon-to-be blockbuster movie next month! Join me 15 minutes later for an epic review called “50 Colors of the Rainbow!”

This is Alejandro Federico Tabac O’Tulomo Penultimo, signing out! b

F U N I F L A T H photos taken by Nelly D.