Whales Tails by Gregory Owen

Whales Tails Gregory Owen

Characters: LANCE..........DORTHY’S husband. DORTHY.......LANCE’S wife. Setting: The deck of a ship, during a whale watching expedition.

(The sun glistens over the ocean as LANCE and DORTHY stand on the deck of a ship.)

LANCE: So, are you excited? DORTHY: Sure, this is really great. LANCE: You don’t sound excited. DORTHY: No, no, I really am excited, this is fun, it’s unique. LANCE: You don’t sound very convincing. Is something wrong? DORTHY: No, everything’s fine. I just never would have expected a trip like this in a million years. It’s not the sort of thing I thought you’d want to do. LANCE: Well, it might not be normally, but I mean, I chose it for you. DORTHY: Me? What do you mean you chose it for me? LANCE: I chose it because I knew you’d love it. DORTHY: Oh, and I do love it. I just didn’t think I’d ever go on a whale watching expedition. LANCE: I know isn’t it great? Isn’t it the best surprise ever? DORTHY: It’s a surprise all right. LANCE: What’s that supposed to mean? DORTHY: Nothing, nothing. It’s a wonderful trip. Thank you.

(LANCE puts his arms around DORTHY and pulls her close, both of them facing out, looking to spot whales. After a moment)

LANCE: Wanna know how I knew? DORTHY: Knew what? LANCE: That you wanted to go whale watching? DORTHY: That I wanted to go whale watching? LANCE: Ya, wanna know how I knew? DORTHY: Well, I guess so, sure, but it’s not like it’s been on my bucket list or anything. Like I said, it’s a unique vacation, one I never pictured us taking, but— LANCE: Sure it has. DORTHY: Has what? LANCE: Been on your bucket list. I know you’ve been wanting to go for a while. DORTHY: Well, no, I haven’t. LANCE: Come on, I know you’ve been wanting this. I heard you talking. DORTHY: Talking? To whom? What are you talking about?

LANCE: To your friend, Marilyn. DORTHY: Marilyn? LANCE: Ya, last summer. She was over, you were having one of your book club meetings and I left to go shoot hoops with Roger. I started to pull out of the drive when I realized I had forgotten to grab the drill I had borrowed from him, so I pulled back into the garage to get it. When I was getting it I knocked a slinky off the shelf — I guess Joey had set it up there or something, but anyhow, you know how a slinky falls, and well, so I picked it up and was kind of playing with it for a second and I heard you two laughing hysterically, so I, well, I kind of ease dropped a little bit. And I heard you telling her about how much you wanted to go whale watching. Well, we already had our vacation planned for that summer, but I started checking into things and I started planning this trip. And now you get to go whale watching.

(DORTHY is silent and looks confused. Gradually a wave of recognition sweeps over her face)

DORTHY: Lance? LANCE: Yes? DORTHY: Honey? LANCE: Yes? DORTHY: You know I love you, right? LANCE: Yes. DORTHY: So, don’t take this the wrong way, but — LANCE: Yes? DORTHY: You have got to be the biggest idiot I have ever met in my life. LANCE: What? What do you mean? What are you talking about? DORTHY: Whale watching? LANCE: Yes! DORTHY: Seeing the whales? LANCE: Exactly! DORTHY: Seeing Wales? LANCE: Yes. DORTHY: Wales. LANCE: Yes, whales. That’s what we’re doing, we’re seeing whales. Or, at least, we might see them, that’s kind of the fun, you never know for sure if — DORTHY: Honey? LANCE: Yes? DORTHY: Not whales. Wales. Not big sea animals with blow holes. The place. Part of the United Kingdom. Great Britain. LANCE: (After a moment of stunned silence) Oh. DORTHY: Yes. LANCE: So, you wanted to see…the place… DORTHY: Yes. LANCE: …not the animals… DORTHY: Yes.

LANCE: And I booked us a trip… DORTHY: Uh-huh. LANCE: To Alaska… DORTHY: Yup. LANCE: To see the animals…Oops. DORTHY: Yes, oops. LANCE: I’m an idiot. DORTHY: It’s okay though. Honey, this is fun, like I said, unique. LANCE: Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I — DORTHY: It’s fine. It’s a wonderful vacation. LANCE: You wanted to go to Wales and I landed you on the wrong side of the planet. I am so, oh my, I am so sorry. DORTHY: It’s fine. We’re still on vacation, it’s still fun. But, why Alaska? LANCE: What do you mean? DORTHY: Why did you choose Alaska? LANCE: Well, honey, this is where the whales are. DORTHY: But why Alaska? LANCE: What do you mean? DORTHY: Well, I mean, it’s beautiful, but why not Florida or California. Oh! Or Hawaii? Those would have been much warmer. LANCE: Well, ya, but the whales are in Alaska. DORTHY: Lance, they have whales in those other places as well. They’re whales. They’re pretty much all over the entire ocean. LANCE: Oh. Ya. I guess you’re right. Um, I just thought Alaska would have the best whales, I mean, any time someone talks about whale watching, they always talk about Alaska. So I figured — DORTHY: You thought whales were exclusive to Alaska. LANCE: No, I just, didn’t think about it, I just automatically thought of Alaska. DORTHY: I could have been in Hawaii. Tropical breezes. Warm sunshine. Pinacoladas. LANCE: Okay, look, I goofed. I said I’m sorry. I ruined our vacation this year. What more do you want me to say? DORTHY: No, you didn’t ruin it. It’s just not what I expected. Or would have planned. Exactly. LANCE: You do hate it. DORTHY: I do not hate it. I’m having fun. And our hotel is great. The bar is pretty awesome, and the restaurant is nice, and the pool is pretty spectacular. LANCE: Great, I planned out an entire vacation around an event and your favorite part is the hotel bar. DORTHY: And the hot tub. LANCE: Very funny. DORTHY: Listen. This is a wonderful vacation. You’re here. And that’s all that matters. We could be whale watching or camping or trekking through the creek pulling fish out of the mud with your brother. It wouldn’t matter, as long as I get to spend it with you. LANCE: If you say so.

DORTHY: I do. And I mean it. Let’s just enjoy the view, we’re supposed to be watching for whales, remember? LANCE: Yes, how could I forget? DORTHY: We’ll watch for whales, then we’ll get back to the hotel and get cleaned up. Then we can have a nice dinner, relax by the pool, then get a bottle of wine to enjoy back in the room. And tomorrow we can explore and see what other adventures we find. It’ll be great. LANCE: I suppose. I just feel like an idiot. DORTHY: Well, you are an idiot. LANCE: Gee, thanks. DORTHY: But you’re my idiot and I love you. LANCE: Thanks.

(They kiss)

DORTHY: But Lance? LANCE: Yes? DORTHY: Next year, I plan the vacation. LANCE: I figured as much.

(End of play.)