Plug'd In Magazine Issue #44

44

The Hard-Rock'n Bi-Weekly Magazine The kickass Local Edition

DOUG HILL OF F.T.W.R., DANIELLE, AND VIKKI SIN ALL GIVE US A PIECE OF THEIR MINDS Inside This Issue the Rant: Doug Hill of From This We Rise, This Is: Jason Lancaster of Go Radio, DEAR DRAD ABBY, This Is Me: Danielle Welgemoed TayloR, Vikki Sin Speaks: Holiday Gifts That don’t suck, 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)

www.plugdinmagazine.com

www.pocketacesskateshop.blogspot.com

www.explosm.net/comics

www.1upcollectibles.com

The Rant: Doug Hill of From This We Rise I've known Doug Hill for almost a year now, and let's just say, it's hard to have a serious conversation with him. I spoke with him recently about trying a "rant" page where he talks about things seriously, for once. I was surprised to find out just how serious Doug could be. Keep reading for Doug's views on reindeer cars, Facebook, and Things That Make You A Penis…D.W.G. Hi, my name is Doug. Not Doug Funny, Doug Hill. Don't hum that damn song or I'll smack you.

Here is a little bit about me before I begin…

I have been in the local music scene for a while now, my first band was A Day Once Dead and now I am in a progressive metal band called From This We Rise. Music is one of the very few things that I take seriously in my life (most of the time).

I'm kind of tall, I have a big chin, I'm very sarcastic and one of my nipples is lower than the other. Ok, now that that's out of the way, I have a couple of things to talk about…

After ranting about random stuff all the time, I was asked by Danielle Wigglemode to jot down a few of my thoughts. My attention span is limited so if I change subjects a lot….oh well.

First off, can you idiots stop dressing your cars up like reindeer? We're supposed to be continuously evolving and at this rate we'll all be cavemen again in about 10 years. Why would anyone think this is cute? It's the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen. Literally. You know what I'm talking about? For your sake, I hope you don't. This is when someone (who somehow obtained a driver’s license) puts little antlers on the sides of their car, just above the driver and passenger windows & then put a little red nose on the grille of said vehicle. They then proceed to drive down the road quite horribly and get in my way too often. The people spending money on these contraptions are the same ones bitching about the economy and how they have no money. Makes sense. If your parents have this on their car, I'm sorry, you are going to grow up and be an asshole…its inevitable.

This is already starting to sound like Peter Griffin's "What Really Grinds My Gears", and that's not my intention. So to those who say I'm ripping that off, politely go sit on your thumb.

Ok, mind is wandering and the next thing I think about is kids and their Facebook/Twitter accounts. I know, I know…Its all been said. Well…I have to vent anyway. "SMH", "LOL", "LMAO", "NAW MEAN" "(sorry JT)", "LMS", "", guys saying "HEHE", all of these are 100% unacceptable in my mind and I wish they would pass away violently. I went to Warped Tour one year & actually heard (while standing in line), "O-M-G" used in a sentence. Something along the lines of "O-M-G, it's like so hot out here". Immediately I turned to the girl and said loudly to my friends, "Holy shit, someone just spelled out OMG, I have to get the fuck out of here NOW." The girl gave me a shit look but in allseriousness…WHHHYYYY???? (*I just did that in my head like the Jonathan Davis from Korn.

That was for you Chaz.*) It takes so much more energy to think to say O-M-G than it does to just say Oh my God‌Think that's a dumb thing to get mad about? Wait until everyone is doing it.

People add me on Facebook all the time because of the band, people I don't really know. Most of the time this isn't a problem, in fact, I like it. I like being connected to the people that like my music. When the person then posts something like "Inbox me a heart and I'll tell you something cute." It makes me want to find where they live and go smash their computer/laptop/phone. Maybe I'm just old but either way, I know I'm not alone. *For the next tiny section, penis means dick, douche, asshole, etc.

Couple of pointers & facts from a guy who gets hit on by band guys' moms: (Danny Clayton Pool from Save The Zombies and Kyle Oberle from We Attack On Sunday +more) 1. Don't spend more than 20 seconds on your hair. If you do, you are a penis.

2. Don't wear make-up. If you do, you are definitely a penis.

3. If you say LOL and you are a guy you are the biggest penis.

4. Don't like bands like Design The Skyline & Abandon All Ships. Not only are you a penis, you have awful taste in music.

5. Don't act tough. It's lame and you are a small penis.

6. If you say LOL and you are a guy in a metal band you like penis. This time penis means penis.

7. Skinny jeans make it look like you have no package whatsoever. The girls that like you are lesbians. That's all. Oh yeah, you're a penis.

Go Flyers.

www.facebook.com/fromthiswerise Wanna submit for The Rant? Pick a topic, we don’t give a shit what its about.

Write about it. Send it to us @ therant@plugdinmagazine.com

This Is: Jason Lancaster of Go Radio Interview by Vikki Sin I caught up with former Mayday Parade vocalist Jason Lancaster when his band Go Radio hit Philly this November on tour with Every Avenue and Yellowcard. Opening up to a sold out crowd, they unleashed a solid, energetic set, playing songs from their debut LP “Lucky Street” and some older favorites. A fan of their brand of alt rock/pop punk myself, I couldn’t have been more thrilled to see them live, or to sing along obnoxiously to the incredibly beautiful and addicting-as-heroin-rolled-in-crack ballad Goodnight Moon. Seems everyone wanted a piece the talented front man, so I was fortunate that after the band finished packing up their van near midnight he came over to talk to me, as he had promised earlier. Down to earth AND lyrically brilliant? This writer couldn’t be more impressed. Read on to find out why writing music was the only option and why sometimes, even the deepest songwriters have to jam out to “Hit Me Baby One More Time”.

PI: You’re on tour supporting “Lucky Street” which came out this year and was very well received, critically. How’s the response been on the road?

JL: It’s going well. We were talking about how this bill is billed as Yellowcard. You know, you don’t really see a lot of attraction for Go Radio, but our fans are coming out super strong and super hard. It’s been amazing. We find, as well, that there are a lot of people that have never heard of us on this tour, which is again, what you’re wanting on a tour this size. I want yellow card fans to leave and be Go Radio fans as well, and it’s working, it’s doing it.

I’m really excited about it.

PI: You’re seriously one of the best songwriters. Where does this inspiration come from? Do you write constantly?

Because you make it seem so easy.

JL: (laughs) No, for every one song that you hear that I’m proud of, there are probably another 20,000 that I’m just like “This is terrible. I’m just gonna scrap this.” I live my life by the saying “Without blood on the sword, it’s just a toy.” and to me that means, if I haven’t been through it personally then I can’t talk about it, because I don’t know what goes on then. So everything that we write about is something that happened to me personally and something that I went through. Writing is a way of coping, for me. It’s a way of saying “Okay, I’m going to get out this emotion now and then when I’m done with it, everything’s gonna be okay.” Any little thing that I get upset about, or even happy about, anything at all, I write about it, because that’s just how I do emotions.

PI: What brought about you guys covering “Rolling in the Deep” on Punk Goes Pop 4?

JL: When everything was being issued for Punk Goes Pop, Bob came to us, the owner of our label, and he was like “I want you guys to do this song. You can do whatever you want, but this is what I personally want”. I had actually been listening to Adele for about 2 weeks. I had never heard of her before that. I’m very closed off musically. I listen to my favorite bands and that’s pretty much all I listen to, and it’s bad I know, but that’s just how I do it. My sister actually showed me Adele about 2 weeks earlier, and I just couldn’t stop listening to that song in particular. I was like, this song is so good and there’s so much emotion in it, and I became a huge fan and then Bob brought that song and I was like, this is the most perfect thing that could ever happen! He’s like “I want you guys to do this song” and I was like “That’s good because that’s the song I was gonna want to do! That’s fucking perfect!” It really, really just kind of worked.

PI: Were you into music at a young age?

JL: Yea, my dad was a musician himself. He sang in a band. When I was 2, he started trying to show me things. He never tried to push me; he would just kind of like, “Listen to this. Maybe you enjoy this. Maybe this is something you want to be into as well” and it’s something I kind of grasped on to. It was really a way that we bonded. It was like, you do this, I do this, we do this together. I would go to bars and things like that, and play with him. It was always a lot of fun for me. Music was always something that I was kind of wanting to do. I never really had another plan. Everyone talks about a backup plan or a fall back plan. A fall back plan is an excuse to fall back. I just never had one. I was like no, I’m going to do music the rest of my life. And they go “what if it doesn’t work out?” It’s going to.

It’s just going to, cause I’m gonna make it.

PI: What can we expect in the future from Go Radio? Is there anything lined up after this tour?

JL: We don’t have anything lined up just yet. We’ve got a couple of things in the works. I can’t really talk about most of them, but it’s going to be a big year for us. We’re really excited.

PI: Do you have any guilty pleasure songs? Anything where people would be like “Jason Lancaster really likes that song?!”

JL: I love anything Britney Spears has ever done. I know it sounds bad because I’m a huge lyrically based guy, and she’s not exactly lyrical at all, but I just, I like to move. I like to dance. I like to do stuff like that and everything she does is something you can do that to.

PI: Have any crazy fan stories?

JL: You know, I don’t. We have fans that try to do crazy stuff, but at the same time it’s something where I’m like, we matter enough to those people for them to try to do that, so I don’t really write anything off as crazy. I just go “That’s awesome that they care that much about our band”.

PI: Thanks for giving us a chance to get Plug’d In! JL: Thank you so much.

www.facebook.com/goradio Its All The Rage Hair Designs Gift Certificates now available.

A prefect gift for the Holidays!

Zumba Classes Forming Now! www.itsalltherage.biz

Dear Dead Abby From The Grave

abby@plugdinmagazine.com Abby was born and raised in the coal regions of Northeastern Pennsylvania.

The oldest of eight, she constantly had her younger brothers and sisters asking her questions about everything from how things work to why that boy threw dirt on her. She’d try to steer them straight with her advice, though sometimes she could be a bit sarcastic.

Abby also had an uncanny ability to see the truth in people, despite what they tried to portray with their lies. Unfortunately, this led the locals to believe that she was with surrounded with dark forces. The summer before her final year of school, Abby was sentenced to death by hanging, without a proper trial, simply stating that she was a witch. Abby can’t recognize the faces of her family through death, but she answers questions, thinking it might be one of her siblings needing her guidance.

Q. You guys post a lot about Zombies. What do you think the chances are of a Zombie Outbreak or something similar? If so what do you think the reasons it would happen are? U.L. A. If you see so many posts about zombies in this, then you would have already seen that I pretty much answered this question already. A zombie outbreak will happen, and it will be caused by the government. Population control will be the main reason behind it. A form of “natural selection” if you will, but it won’t be natural. Those who survive the outbreak will be handpicked by the government.

Q. You were pretty harsh to the kid who said he was cutting himself. We’re do you get off talking to people like that? D.H. A. Do you realize that “we’re” is a contraction for “we are”? I believe you meant to write where…. When you reach a certain age, such as dead, you don’t care if you offend anyone anymore. I’m honest. I say what I think. People who want to hear the truth write in, not sissypants wussies like yourself. You’re probably so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, that you never tell the truth to anyone because it might upset them.

Q. Not too long ago my boyfriend and I had a threesome with his best friend (a guy). Now he’s acting all weird about it. I do regret that it happened, but I can’t change that it did. How can we deal with this? S.W. A. You should have never done it in the first place. Who’s acting weird, your boyfriend or the friend? Your boyfriend should have never asked you to do something like that. It’s a cheap thrill to him and should show you what you mean to him. Would you willingly share your significant other with another person if they meant that much to you? It’s like a pair of shoes, in style one season, but as soon as they are out of season, they get thrown out or donated to Goodwill or something. All I can tell you is talk to him and see where his thoughts are regarding the entire thing. I cannot read minds. I cannot answer for him. I’m just stating how I see things.

Q. Pop Music contributes to the deterioration of our moral values. Agree or disagree? S.T. A. Disagree. Parents instill the moral values of the children. Pop music, reality shows, movies, etc., show the rapid decline of moral values in today’s society, but it is still up to the parent to teach what needs to be taught. However, if the parent has no moral values of their own, what do they have to pass on to their children. It’s a sad situation where manners and chivalry are hard pressed to find. People will realize it too late to do anything. All those who have values, manners and integrity are on the same path as the dinosaurs.

Q. Is there such a thing as “Random Violence”? My roommate and I were arguing about this. I say no matter how quickly, or unexplainable it happens, it’s still pre-meditated. What do you think?

A. I do not believe there is such a thing as random violence. It’s not exactly premeditated either though. There is going to be an underlying reason, a “trigger” as it’s called, as to why the violence occurred, but it may not be present at the time. One does not go about thinking of every possible reason as to why they may go postal. It may not be evident until after it happens. Sometimes another’s mind is a scary place to be, and the reasons that exist to them are best left alone.

1402 N. 9th Street Reading, PA 19604 Sun. December 18th: Christmas with CKY and family. ONLY area show.

Fri. December 23rd: The Winter Solstice Jam 2011 with: Flux Capacitor – Good Lovin’ Jam Band – Psycadelphia + Ross Garlow (acoustic) Wed. December 28th: The sights and Sounds of AORTIC VALVE Fri. December 30th: THRODL + No Remorse For The Fallen – Hold Your Breath – Sicker Than Most – Legions – Fall of Heroes – Homewrecker.

Sat. December 31st: NEW YEARS EVE BASH with your host DJ JOHNNY V. Wed. January 4th: UNCLE JAM + special guests (In The Side Room @ REVERB / Up close and personal) Sat. January 7th: SLOTH LOVE CHUNK (The awesome 80′ s Tribute Band) Sat. January 14th: SUPER BOB + Divisions – The 5th L – and more Sun. January 29th: Children of Bodom Sat. February 11th: CRO-MAGS + WISDOM IN CHAINS Fri. March 2nd: DEICIDE – Jungle Rot – Abigail Williams – Lecherous Nocturne

www.reverbconcerts.com

Award-winning work in a clean environment

We found our real life Abby.

Coming 2012

Special thanks to:

Its all the rage hair designs

Until The Walking Dead Comes back in February...

Get your fill at 1Up Collectibles We have all your Walking Dead needs covered.

Comics, Graphic Novels, Books,

1Up Collectibles 514 Penn Avenue West Reading, Pa 19611 www.1upcollectibles.com

This Is Me: Danielle Welgemoed Taylor I didn't realize that I had to look like Cristina Scabbia or Maria Brink (both of which I admire, so there's no hate whatsoever towards them) in order to be considered a "good musician." I thought having charisma, talent, and passion was what it took, but as far as many people in the industry would thing, Image is once again everything.

I'm 5'3, chubby and have a weird ass haircut. I have piercings, tattoos, gauges... you know, that whole deal. I do vocals for a band called Save The Zombies. We're out of Lancaster, PA. We're hardcore and metal, which means, yes, I scream for a band. But in order for me to gain acceptance from many of the people in the crowd, I need to be thin, show a lot of skin, and/or be "hot" to gain fans.

In an already image-based society, you'd think musicians would be less worried about look and more worried about how good the music sounds and how good of a show the band puts on. I know that's all I worry about. Sure, there aren't many girls out there who are doing what I do, so there is more excitement when the term "female vocalist" comes into play. I've played a few shows where people were so excited to this "female vocalist" aka me, and then were thoroughly disappointed when a fat chick came on stage. But, despite my weight, or my image, I put on a damn good show and can do everything a hot chick can do.

It's even hard for a lot of the guys. If you don't look like a badass (tattoos, piercings, cool clothing, etc.) you're kind of a loser as far as the music industry is concerned. It's almost like they have to have the right hair, the right clothes, the right height and weight as well. Not every guy out there is going to look like Mitch Lucker, or Corey Taylor.

Some guys are going to be shorter than others, or be chubbier than others.

The point being, image should NOT affect a band's ability to be considered "good." There are plenty of bands out there who make great music, but aren't given enough credit because they don't have "the look." When I look into finding new bands to listen to, I go strictly by if a song sounds good, or if it's catchy, definitely not by how the band members look. I mean, yeah, it's nice to find a band with eye candy because it brings more to the show, but that shouldn't be all that counts. There are so many people out there who aren't skinny, who aren't tall, who don't have tattoos or cool clothing, that have so much talent for the industry.

With that being said, I think being average is pretty great. I don't have to fit anyone's standards, and I can just be me, which all I want to be. I don't need anyone telling me I'm not good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough to play music. If I can do what I do and make it good, then there's nothing wrong with me being up on stage. So for all of you shallow bastards out there who want hot chicks on stage, go to a strip club. Enjoy the fucking music, and shut the hell up.

Catch up with Danielle on Facebook

Vikki Sin Speaks: Holiday Gifts That don’t suck I’m not a huge fan of the holidays. In fact, when I think of Christmas, I tend to want to rebel and go balls out Metalocalypse style and put impaled reindeer head on my roof or something BUT nonetheless, the fact remains that it’s here and must be addressed. Personally, the only part of xmas that I enjoy is getting presents. Not only getting, but giving, because I’m nice like that. I usually put a lot of thought into what I select for people, because I feel like getting things like tube socks and gift certificates says “Well, I don’t feel like putting any effort or thought into this, so here’s a 10 pack of razorblades. You can use them to slit your wrists when you realize how little I care for you.” So I spend countless hours browsing the interwebs for unique items to cover in shiny paper and obnoxious amounts of bows and present to my loved ones with a gigantic smile on my face and a feeling of smug satisfaction that I am, in fact, the shit. Being that this is a rock magazine and if you’re like me, you’re surrounded by people that live and breathe music, I’ve put together a list of last minute gifts for all the people on yours.

1. Guitar Pick Punch from Urban Outfitters http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/pick-punch An awesome little gadget that lets you turn hard pieces of plastic like, say your overspending wife’s credit cards, into guitar picks. Ingenious.

2. Cowbell necklace http://store.drumbum.com/skuJ-154.html The ‘More cowbell!’ thing never gets old. A sterling silver necklace for any drummer or SNL fan.

3. Musician wine bottle holders http://www.metalimagination.com/musiciansgifts.html Handcrafted and literally metal. Got a wine loving saxophone player to buy for? Yea, you’re probably not going to have to look any further.

4. Marshall headphones http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp? id=20567384&color=001&itemdescription=true&navAction=jump&search=true&isProduct=true&parentid=A_ MUSIC_HEAD Classic and affordable. You can’t really go wrong with these for ANYONE. 5. Vintage sheet music jewelry http://www.etsy.com/listing/73863349/paper-bead-jewelry-vintage-sheet-music? ref=sr_gallery_29&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=sheet+music&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=U S&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade Super unique, and who doesn’t love supporting artisans and crafters?

Each website that I’ve listed actually has a ton of items that would make awesome gifts for anybody that plays, sings, or listens, and for any occasion too. May your holiday season be filled with all kinds of feast and drink and celebration and trinkets, and remember, it’s not about being naughty or nice, it’s about how hard you rock. (being naughty helps) Happy Holidays! XOXXX, Vikki Sin Got a question or comment for Vikki Sin? Contact her @ vikkisinspeaks@plugdinmagazine.com

If you would like your band featured in Plug’d In hit us up @

bands@plugdinmagazine.com

7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly) By: David Dietle Let's pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren't already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe.

There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense. If you let the creeping buzz kill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you've been working on. Why? #7.They Have Too Many Natural Predators Do you know why we, as humans, are at the top of the current food chain? Not because we're hard to kill (well, with the exception of Steven Seagal). We're not; we're little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pi単ata. No, we're on top simply because we are so absurdly good at killing things ourselves. A good offense, as they say, is the best de-LOOK THERE'S A DUCK! MURDER IT! We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any wild animal to hunt. Now consider the poor zombie. It lacks every single advantage that has kept humanity from being eaten to extinction. It wanders around in the open, it can't use weapons, it can't think or use strategy. It doesn't even have the sense of self-preservation to run and hide when it's in danger. And, it's made entirely out of food. It's easy prey for any animal that wants it.

If you're saying, "Sure, but it's not like my city is full of bears that can come eat all the zombies," you need to think smaller. Insects are a major pain in the ass for living humans, and in some cases, being able to swat away flies and having an immune system is the only thing keeping us from having our eyes and tongues eaten out by maggots.

Zombies in any part of the world with a fly problem are going to be swarming with maggots in short order, meaning that most of their soft tissues will be infested, and their eyes will be very quickly useless.

Not so disgusting now, are they? OK, yeah, but show a little respect.

We'll scale up a bit: In America alone, we have bears, wolves, coyotes and cougars, all of which can put wellarmed, thinking, fast-moving humans on the menu, if the conditions are right. To most predators, the "right conditions" are when the animal is weak or infirm, or otherwise generally unable to defend themselves, like a walking corpse. Hell, just think of the millions of stray dogs out there who'll quickly learn that zombies are an easy meal.

Now imagine zombie hordes wandering Africa. Between lions and cape buffalo (and hippos, and rhinos, and elephants), we'd finally have a disease that Africa is better suited than the rest of the world to defend itself against. #6.They Can't Take the Heat It's generally accepted by zombie experts that they're going to continue to rot, even as they shamble around the

streets. What the movies fail to convey, however, is the gruesome yet strangely hilarious effect the hot sun has on a rotting corpse.

The first concern is putrefaction. Thanks to the plethora of bacteria we use in our colon for digesting plant matter, called gut flora, our bodies are ripe for decay the second our heart stops. Since heat speeds the growth of bacteria (which are plenty happy to start feasting on you once your immune system is no longer a concern) the zombie's got a looming expiration date the very second it turns.

Dead bodies bloat because of the gases created by the bacteria, meaning that in warmer areas even Abercrombie Zombies are going to start getting fat in the first few days. After a few weeks of this, the nasty, bloated zombie army is going to start doing something that is simultaneously the most awesome and disturbing thing a zombie can do: they will start exploding (CAUTION! Pictures!). The warm, moist conditions in the tropical and subtropical parts of the world (or even just summer in the temperate parts) speeds this condition, meaning a July zombie outbreak pretty much anywhere would be over in a few weeks just by virtue of the rampaging monsters bursting like rancid meat balloons.

At the other end of the heat spectrum is dry heat. If you're in Phoenix or the Sahara when the apocalypse hits, the zombies might begin to mummify in the blazing sun and heat. While the normal symptoms of dehydration are not a concern for a zombie, there is the problem of desiccation. With no reasonable means of replenishing the water in their cells, zombies walking around in the Texas heat all day are going to suffer cell damage due to direct sun exposure to their skin, and thanks to the drying effect wind has, the Southwestern dead will stumble around more and more ineffectively until, at some point, they simply drop and wait for the scavengers to come pick them up for the annual Slim Jim harvest.

So they'd better hope the outbreak happens during the winter, right? Well... #5.They Can't Handle the Cold Zombies are dead meat. No arguing that; it's their one defining characteristic. But everybody focuses on that "dead" part like it's such a huge deal. They often forget about the "meat." Do you know what else is dead meat? Steak, hamburger, possibly even that red grease mush inside of Taco Bell food.Look at it.

When flesh is alive, it's got all sorts of defense systems to keep it that way. When it's dead, you have to throw it away in about a week even if you seal it up in plastic and keep it at a carefully modulated temperature. Now, your first inclination may be to think of cold as dead meat's friend, after all, the surest way to defeat that week-long deadline is to freeze steak, keeping it fresh for months. But don't forget: Unregulated cold does awful shit to formerly living things.

If you live far enough north, the zombie apocalypse will probably work itself out the first time it tries to go outside.

The first zombie-killer is the simple fact that the human body is mostly water, and water freezes. Once the temperature drops to freezing (or near it with a high wind chill), zombies will become significantly more rigid. No word on them transforming into snow monsters.

After enough exposure, a dead body is going to be frozen solid and not chasing down any screaming victims, no matter how delicious and Rascal Scooter-bound they might be. It's also safe to assume that zombies wandering around in a wintry wonderland are not going to be wrapped air-tight in plastic like we do with food, so freezer burn becomes an issue. Seriously. The same thing that ruins your ice cream also ruins the Undead Onslaught. The freezing of the flesh at night, combined with partial thaw during warmer days, then refreezing again sets up the perfect conditions for the onset of freezer burn, which results in the cells dehydrating as water evaporates, even when frozen solid. Freezer burned meat isn't just dead, it's destroyed. #4.Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease Hey, remember that time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement? No? That never happened?

Nearly all of the zombie movies agree on one thing: They reproduce like a disease, one that spreads via a bite from the

infected (like they have a virus carried by zombie saliva or whatever). But this also means their spread should be subject to the same rules of a normal epidemic and biting is a shitty way to get an epidemic going.

The successful diseases have some really clever way to invisibly spread from victim to victim. The flu has killed tens of millions because it floats right through the air, the black plague was spread by fleas, etc. Not a single one of them requires the infected to get within biting distance to spread their infection. Sure, sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS work that way, but that's only because the infected can pass for the uninfected. Nobody is going to be having sex with a zombie.

Though Google Image Search does turn up a large volume of zombie porn But let's say there is an outbreak, like if one zombie was able to bite 30 people in the crowd at an Insane Clown Posse concert before they figured out it wasn't part of the show. It's not like mankind is just utterly confused about what to do when an infection breaks out. In America you have the Center for Disease Control (CDC,) who doesn’t tend to fuck around. Seriously, it's on their business cards.

Remember the SARS outbreak? That originated in China. The CDC and the World Health Organization put the clamps down on international travel the second it was found to have spread to North America. Flights were grounded, travel between borders was locked tight and only 43 people on the entire continent died. No one was overlooked.

With zombieism, they don't even have to solve the mystery about how it's transmitted. It's that guy biting people.

Shoot him in the head. #3.They Can't Heal from Day to Day Damage One advantage to having a fully-functioning central nervous system is that it also does a damn good job of letting you know you've been damaged. It does this by way of pain. Think about all the paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots you have suffered in your life. Now imagine they never healed, just sat there and rotted while you continued to rack up other paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots. Pretty much every wound you've ever had would end with an amputation.

One thing we know about zombies from Romero and Fulci is that they are a clumsy lot, walking into doors and helicopter blades without a second thought about what kind of damage they are suffering.

While complete insensitivity to pain seems like an awesome superpower in theory; in real life, you wind up being more like Mr. Burns than Wolverine. Congenital insensitivity to pain is a neurological condition that some people are born with, meaning they don't feel pain. They can feel everything else, but the absence of pain means they accrue damage to their bodies but are unaware of it. Even with the ability to call for help, loved ones watching out for them and our coddling society, this can still lead to all kinds of terrible shit, like infected body parts and bitten off pieces of tongue.

All the dings and bangs zombies will suffer after tripping, walking off of bridges and stumbling around on dark cloudy nights will eventually leave them limbless, toothless and with every bone in their body broken. Seriously, in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, just stay inside, watch all the episodes of 24 back to back, then walk out on your lawn with your Corpse Rake and tidy up (you will have to buy a Corpse Rake, however, if for some reason you don't already have one). #2.The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers The zombies' lack of coordination, along with the inability to see in the dark (we haven't had any infrared zombies yet, but holy shit! We call dibs on the idea) is going to spell the doom of countless zombies in any area outside of a parking lot. This is a group that doesn't know how to find roads or bridges. They just go wandering off aimlessly. Mountains, major rivers and canyons would thus quickly be home to piles of broken zombie rags stinking up the scenic

views. Even if zombies had the foresight to not walk over cliffs or into raging rapids during the day, nightfall would result in most eventually walking into rivers, over cliffs and off of bridges, diminishing their numbers.

But even in nice, flat, paved cities, where it would seem like people would be extrafucked, the landscape still works in favor of the living. History has shown that in most awful situations, people don't always act like the panicky idiots in a horror movie. In cities, people would likely congregate in the upper levels of high-rise buildings, where the invasion can be held at bay with simple security doors. Also, the streets themselves would keep the undead corralled in straight, easy-to-aim-down lines where they could be picked off by snipers, or just bored office-workers waiting out the quarantine by dropping office supplies onto the undead from the top floors. #1.Weapons and the People Who Use Them As we touched on briefly above, if Homo sapiens are good at one thing, it's killing other things. We're so good at it that we've made entire other species cease to exist without even trying. Add to the mix the sheer number of armed rednecks and hunters out there, and the zombies don't even stand a chance. There were over 14 million people hunting with a license in the U.S. in 2004. At a minimum, that's like an armed force the size of the great Los Angeles area.

Remember, the whole reason hunting licenses exist is to limit the number of animals you're allowed to kill, because if you just declared free reign for everybody with a gun, everything in the forest would be dead by sundown. Even the trees would be mounted proudly above the late-arriving hunter's mantles. It's safe to assume that when the game changes from "three deer" to "all the rotting dead people trying to eat us," there will be no shortage of volunteers.

Plus, if we look at zombies as a species, they are pretty much designed for failure. Their main form of reproduction is also their only source of food and their top predator. If they want to eat or reproduce, they have to go toe to toe with their number one predator every single time. That's like having to fight a lion every time you to want to have sex or make a sandwich. Actually, it's worse than that: Most top predators are only armed with teeth and claws, meaning they have to put themselves in harm's way to score a kill. Humans have rifles. Harm's way is about 4875 feet from the end of this.

The zombies have no choice but to walk into bullets. And all this isn't even counting all the other household hand guns in the world, nor the fact that zombies also have to contend with IEDs, Molotov cocktails, baseball bats, crowbars and cars that the general public will no doubt be using to cull their numbers.

And that's just from the civilian population; counting the military and police, we have another three million or so armed people, and instead of just handguns shotguns and hunting rifles, they have machine guns, combat shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, grenade launchers and the occasional Taser, not to mention the training to use them effectively. But why would they even bother? When they could just roll over swaths of zombies in tanks, blast them with cluster bombs and MOABs and mow them down with miniguns from the god damn Air Force that every zombie flick seems to forget about.

Really, even if zombies existed right now, the whole concept of a zombie apocalypse is just laughable. Now robots, on the other hand‌

www.cracked.com

www.gothamcitytattoos.com

Man, We need your Help!!

Want Tickets? Meet and Greets? Exclusive Access? Hanging out with your favorite Musician? The Experiences of a Lifetime?

Plug’d In is looking for the following:

Transcriber Photographer Interviewer Writer Columnist http://www.plugdinmagazine.com/local-news.php Special thanks to all the following for making this issue happen: Without you...well, we just would have had to work a little harder.

The Reading Tattoo Co, American Heroes, Belly Busters, 1Up Collectibles, Its All The Rage Hair Designs, Vertical Pole Fitness, Pottstown Tattoo Co, Gotham City Tattoo, The Last Level, Pocket Aces Skate Shop, Crocodile Rock Café, Danielle Welgemoed Taylor, Michael Demos, Liana Marie, Nicole Marie, Nicolle Stella, Vikki Sin, Tyler Heckard, Bandi Budwash, David Barber, Justin Ernst, Designs By Your Arsonist, Roadrunner Records, Century Media, W.M.G., Victory Records, Facedown Records, Fearless Records, Metal Blade records, E1, Hollywood Records, Disney, Adrenaline P.R., Solid State Records, DRP Records, Strike First, Rise Records, Tech Basement, The Children's Home of Reading, Bimbo Bakery, Pepsi, Smaltz’s Harley Davidson, SLP Concerts, and all the amazing National and Local bands we’ve had the privilege to work with.

New and Used Video Games*New and Used Systems*Computer Repair*Excellent Service*Buy/Sell/Trade

2605 Kutztown Rd. Reading Pa 19605 484.706.6982 www.plugnplaystore.com