March/A
pril 2013
NAIL THE LOOK FOR ANY OCCASION
DID YOU KNOW?
page guide to etiquette
19-26 Black Tie Seen at: Ceremonial balls, gala dinners, and weddings (if you’re the one getting hitched, or are playing best man or maid-of-honour.). For women: A floor-sweeping evening gown, your dressiest cocktail dress or Little Black Dress. For men: Black tuxedo jacket, bow tie, matching pants and a white shirt.
Cocktail Seen at:
Company D&Ds, weddings (if you’re a guest). For women: A
short dress of a tasteful length, usually at or slightly above the knee.
Impress your boss (and that cute co-worker) with your impeccable P’s and Q’s. Reject nauseating status updates from others without losing their friendship. All these and more in our 8-page manual on perfecting your social skills. Now if you would just say “please”…
Business Casual Seen at:
A wellfitted jacket, sheath dress or a blouse with tapered pants. Stick to black, white and muted colours. For men: Dark business suit.
Or in a more relaxed setting – sports jacket or blazer, dress shirt, slacks or khakis.
SMALL TALK FOR INTROVERTS Three fail-safe ways to survive a tête-à-tête with a stranger.
Ask questions. Find out more about your new acquaintance. Don’t be afraid to reveal what you don’t know.
Listen for cues. If your dinner companion is dropping knowledgeable comments about the food, ask if she cooks or where her favourite restaurants are. This could spark off a separate line of conversation.
white or a muted colour, and necktie.
For women:
Much of today’s formal etiquette dates back to the French royal court in the 17th and 18th centuries. A popular story is that the word “etiquette” came about after Louis XIV’s gardener put up signs or “etiquets” to instruct aristocrats not to trample through the gardens. Later on, “etiquets” was used to describe the tickets given out at court functions with instructions on where to stand or how to carry oneself.
MEOW
For men: A dark suit, dress shirt in
Work-related functions like networking events.
ETIQUETS
WHAT IF THE DRESS CODE IS “ANIMAL MAGNETISM”? When in doubt, ask what the organiser’s planning to wear. If you’re coming straight from work and don’t have time to change, incorporate just one element of the dress theme into your workday outfit – for instance, leopard print heels paired with a black sheath dress.
Read. Take five minutes beforehand to skim through the top news of the day, or check out the latest movie listings. These can be inserted casually into conversations – “I really want to catch Great Expectations next week. Looks great, doesn’t it?”
7 GOLDEN RULES OF Click
1
Think before posting. One update made in a moment of anger will come back and haunt you. Just ask Amy Cheong.
2
!
Assume everything you post online (even the restricted posts) can be made public. It just takes one gossipy friend. And a screen shot.
3
Don’t post things that will jeopardise your friends’ careers.
4
Never mock someone online thinking they won’t know it. Someone insulted Xiaxue and she saw it.
THE MOST UNCOUTH PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET ONLINE !
$ # @
%
The Troll
Emboldened by the anonymity of the Internet, he posts rude or controversial remarks to agitate others. Damage done His provocative posts can cause discussions to go off-topic and degenerate into mud-slinging. Deal with him You’ll rarely get the last word with trolls who have seemingly unlimited amounts of time and energy to keep up the most trivial arguments. Simply state your views calmly and rationally, and let that be the end of it. Never get emotional. Alert the moderator of the forum or website of his offensive comments.
Here’s how to deal with them.
The Spoiler
Born without discretion, he posts remarks that could get you into trouble. For instance: “Great night complaining about our crazy wives!” Damage done Your wife isn’t speaking to you anymore. Deal with him Make him feel guilty that you’re suffering because of his actions. If he doesn’t change, tweak your settings to unsubscribe from his posts.
The Facebook PDA (FBDA) Couple
They upload photos of themselves in bed or broadcast updates about their sex lives. Damage done They’re pretty much the virtual equivalent of that couple who walked down Holland Village stark naked back in 2009 – where do you avert your eyes? Deal with them Jokingly say something like “Wah, your photos should carry a NSFW (not safe for work) warning.” If they don’t get the hint, tweak your account settings to reduce the frequency of their updates on your newsfeed.
SOCIAL MEDIA ETIQUETTE 5
Do not start arguments or air dirty laundry online. Instead of reading your well-crafted ripostes, people will mutter that you’re clogging up their newsfeed.
6
Ask permission before you tag friends in Facebook photos of them in seemingly compromising situations – for instance, at a wild party and hugging members of the opposite gender who are not their spouses.
SHOOTING FRIENDLY FIRE No caps, no swear words, no hostile threats – and you’ll still get your point across in your complaint email. Promise. Dear Mr Tan1, I wish to give feedback2 on the poor service my husband and I received at your restaurant on 14th February. We arrived around 7.30pm3. I have always enjoyed dining at your restaurant because of your efficient and polite service on previous occasions4. However, on that day, we were told that there was no table reserved for us, even though I had made an online booking two days before. We had to wait 30 minutes before we were allocated a table5. I realise mistakes happen6. But I believe that you are an organisation that values a good customer experience. Therefore, I hope that you will improve your online booking system to ensure reservations are not misplaced in the future7. Warm regards,
Loyal but disgruntled Customer
1 Addressing your email to a specific person in the relevant department gets attention quicker. 2 Swap negative words like “complain” for “feedback”. People respond better to friendly-sounding emails, and will want to reciprocate in kind. 3 Get to the point and calmly state all relevant facts like dates, names, product information and what the problem is. 4 Slip in compliments near the start and end of your letter. These should make your request more palatable. 5 Complain concisely. Don’t rant and never use slang or abusive language. 6 Lines like this make you seem like a reasonable customer. 7 State a request: what you would like to see happen or changed. Be constructive, not critical.
7
You will be deemed to have poor taste if you “Like” unsettling Facebook updates such as “I’m having a terrible day”. That person needs help, not a virtual thumbs-up.
WHEN TO UNSUBSCRIBE, BLOCK AND UN-FRIEND SOMEONE ON Unsubscribe You’re still “Friends”, but his updates won’t appear on your newsfeed. Acceptable? Yes, because Facebook doesn’t reveal to friends that you’ve unsubscribed from them. Unsubscribe when you can’t take any more boastful updates about his fabulous trip to the Maldives or how much his boss adores him.
Block The person won’t be able to view your page or search for your profile at all. Acceptable? Yes, if it creeps you out to know that he remembers every single one of your updates. Politely explain that you need a time-out from him.
Un-friend You’ve deleted them off your Friends list. They will find out. Acceptable? Unless they were distant acquaintances, this move can sour a friendship. You should have a good reason for it – for instance, you never want to see each other again after a nasty fight.
The Office Chatterbox flop
From a regular work day to that year-end company social (booze and bosses in the same room spell “minef ield ”), we’ve got you covered.
It may be a friendly gesture to pop by your colleague’s cubicle for a chat. But check if she’s busy – and just too polite to tell you to go away. Clues: she’s fidgeting and her eyes keep darting back to her computer. Back away, now.
The Networking Event Watch that body language
Your best exit strategy
Avoid crossing your arms, putting your hands in your pockets or rocking back and forth on your heels when speaking to someone – nothing screams “boredom” more.
Take advantage of a lull in the conversation and say: “It was great speaking to you. But I have to go say hi to some other people today. Let’s catch up later?”
Hands off You may hold either a plate of food, or a drink – but not both. Keep one hand free to shake hands and receive namecards.
No roving eyes
John Tan
When receiving a namecard... Take a moment to study it before clarifying anything. Never chuck it into your wallet or pocket. Keep it in a separate case. If it’s a sit-down luncheon, place it on the table so you can refer to it.
Even if you’re stuck with the dullest person in the room, don’t let your eyes wander around the room. Bad impressions stick and you never know when you’ll need his help in the future.
Respect their privacy Don’t read your colleagues’ emails and print-outs, and unless you were instructed to, don’t answer their phone calls. Never look over their shoulders at their computer screens.
“Awaiting your reply...” Reply immediately when you get a message on Office Communicator. If you’re tied up, change your status to “Busy” or “Away” so the sender won’t be left hanging.
Mind that music
Watch that clock
Use earphones when listening to music, especially in an open-concept office. You may argue that your Enya tracks are soothing, but to colleagues trying to focus, they might as well be jangly heavy metal tunes.
Never be late for meetings. But if you are, don’t disrupt the proceedings with profuse apologies or make a big show circling around the room (just take the nearest seat). Apologise to your boss after the meeting.
The Company Party
Schmooze snooze
Feeling tipsy? Better sober up. Did the office gossip just video record your drunken rendition of “Vogue”? Uh oh.
Dress right The dress code’s “casual” but be aware that you’re still around co-workers, bosses and possibly higher management. They will remember your mudstained jeans or cleavagebaring dress.
You may want to network with your big boss but his mind is probably on that tasty buffet spread. A party isn’t really the time to go on about you or your achievements. Hint: bosses can smell suck-ups a mile away. Don’t be a wallflower Strike up a conversation with someone even if he’s a stranger. It’s a social event, so nix the fear that people will think of you as weird or overly friendly. Fail-safe topics include the food and your holiday plans. Follow up So you managed to slip in a work topic when chatting with your big boss. Keep the conversation light and suggest discussing it further at a later date – what better excuse to follow up with a one-on-one business lunch?
THE PROPER WAY TO TOUCH A LADY
Chivalry 1 1 FOR HIM
1
2
3
We lay out which gallant gestures are a must on a date – and which are plain dated.
YES
NO
MAYBE
Offering to pay on the first date.
Kissing her on the hand – seriously?
Giving her your jacket in the cinema theatre. But if she says she’s cold, definitely offer.
Sending her home, especially if you own a set of wheels.
Throwing your jacket over a puddle of water, so her shoes won’t get wet.
Ordering food for her. Some girls appreciate it, others may think it presumptuous.
Holding and opening doors for her.
Bowing. Only fashionable if you’re in Japan or the 19th century.
Waiting for her to take her seat before you do. Just don’t jump to attention whenever she has to go to the washroom.
-1On the shoulders or upper arm Friends. A platonic touch that, unless she has some aversion to human contact, shouldn’t seem presumptuous. -2On the small of her back Romantic. Acceptable after several dates and if she’s also signalled interest. -3On the butt Perv.
PHRASE TO KNOW: CHEQUE DANCE Meaning: That awkward moment when you get the bill at a restaurant, and decide how best to divvy it up. Crops up most often on first dates. Rule of thumb: ladies – offer to go Dutch. Men – smile and listen to her protests. Then pay anyway.
Gratitude 1 1 FOR HER
It’s not only the men who ought to make an effort. Follow these simple rules and you’ll stand out as a stellar date. 1
2
3
Say “thank you” Maybe he “should be” pulling out your chair for you, but the question is: do you want him to continue that gentlemanly gesture? If yes, don’t stint on the gratitude.
Don’t be a sourpuss He got a table at a Michelinstarred restaurant to impress you, but all you could say was that your grilled fish was “okay only, lor”. Nix the princess-y attitude.
Get to know him Make eye contact, listen when he speaks, and ask him questions – but not about his paycheck, please.
SURVIVE A FORMAL DINNER Spit it out Subtly push the food onto your fork or spoon using your tongue. Place it unobtrusively at the side of your plate, not your napkin. Eating steak Cut one small piece at a time. If served separately, don’t drizzle the steak sauce all over your dish. Pour a bit on the side of your plate, and dip each forkful of meat in before eating. Tricky foods, best avoided Besides “messy” food like chicken wings and crabs, herbs and chilli flakes commonly found in pasta dishes can get easily stuck in between teeth. Excuse yourself to the loo to check.
Follow the “outside-in” rule Western cutlery settings can boggle. Never cut the bread with the butter spreader but break it with your hands. Start with the cutlery on the outer edges, before working your way in as the various courses come. Soup spoons and salad forks are placed on the outside, while the dinner forks and knifes are usually closest to the serving plate. Pass it on Don’t stretch across the table for that salt shaker. Ask someone to pass it over. And if you’re passing a dish to someone, don’t intercept and “steal” a bite. Wait your turn.
How to make an old-fashioned introduction
The doyenne of social manners, the late Emily Post, had this rule of thumb: speak to the person you wish to honour f irst. Here’s how people stacked up according to Madam Post. Anyone older – say your parents or university professors – will take precedence. Example: “Grandma, this is my best friend from school, Raudhah.” Ladies first. If two people are of equal rank, defer to the lady. Example: “Kate, this is my colleague, John.” If it’s a business situation, then your customer – or client – is king. Example: “Mr Kuperan, I’d like to introduce you to my CEO and co-workers over here.” It’s a little snobby, but anyone with a title in their name tends to go first – judges, doctors, professors, religious leaders, etc. Example: “Pastor Chan, I’d like to introduce you to my husband, Dave.” See link for more tips: bit.ly/iQvnpt
WEDDING DO’S & DON’TS
There’s a minef ield of etiquette to navigate when attending someone’s nuptials. We simplify things for you. Angbao with cash or shopping vouchers? If you’re unsure, make it cash. Always. Go solo or bring a plus-one? If there’s fixed seating involved, don’t assume it’s okay to breezily mention that your boyfriend will be coming. Check at least a month in advance to give the couple enough time to re-jig their seating arrangements – and don’t get offended if they say no.
Trousers or jeans? The former. Jeans are actually the biggest wedding attire boo-boo. Unless it’s a beach-themed party, the most casual you should go would be a dress shirt and slacks. Leaving early: sneak out or inform the bride? The latter. But tell her a couple of days before the wedding – that way you won’t have to bother her with stuttering excuses while she’s mingling with guests on her big day. Have a legit reason, please.
QUIRKY CUSTOMS AR UND THE W RLD See bit.ly/fwKi1X for dining etiquette rules around the world.
Greece In traditional weddings, spitting on the bride as she walks down the aisle is a sign of good luck and wishes. No, they won’t be fined $500.
Iceland No room to be shy if you’re swimming in the country’s many pools. You’re expected to shower thoroughly before taking a dip – that includes lathering your privates.
Saudi Arabia Be careful when you cross your feet. Showing the soles of your feet or shoes is an insult, as the feet are considered the lowest – and dirtiest – parts of the body.
Russia Don’t be upset if a Muscovite doesn’t return your smile. Excessive smiling is considered weird, insincere and at worst, a sign of insanity.
BE THE PERFECT PARTY GUEST
THE LOST RULES OF ETIQUETTE
Three ways to ensure that you’ll be invited to the next soiree.
Some have been forgotten in the hustle and bustle of modern day living, while others are plain archaic.
Come with a gift But make sure it’s not a fussy item that will draw the host’s attention away from the party – like a food dish that needs to be assembled and heated up. Chocolates or a bottle of wine, please. Go with the flow You may think that party games are lame, but if your host has prepared a murder mystery charade, just grit your teeth and play along – with a smile.
Thank You
Be appreciative Planning a party is hard work. Show some love by thanking the host – preferably twice. Once, when leaving his place, and again the next day, by dropping him a text message or email. See also: bit.ly/rqdjrz
Dear John,
Writing “thank you” letters These days, we’re more likely to text: “Tks for the gift, Aunt Sally!! xoxo”
Arriving on time People used to set – and stick to – meeting times. But with smartphones, we live in a strange new world where appointments are made and changed on the fly. (“Sorry I’ll be late! Call you when I reach!!”) Leaving calling cards Back in the day, European aristocrats Hi my name is and nobles would drop by the homes of acquaintances, leaving personal cards bearing their names. If the favour were returned, it meant that it was acceptable to pay a visit. These days, it’s quicker to just call – saves paper too, we say.
Research and writing by Dai Jing Yi / Edited by Chen Jingting / Designed and illustrated by Ammanda Choo & Ryan Ong / ©Challenge Magazine
Japan It’s rude to eat or drink while walking on the streets. So finish your meal in your hotel or the restaurant.