Holidazed Santa Issue 40 December 2022

The Holidazed Santa Story

By Kevin Dankman Illustrations by Sean Dietrich

Santa is round, jolly, and giving. A gentle, loving magician that goes to every home in the world in one night, yet it takes a regular traveler 12 hours to go anywhere. Is there a TSA at the north pole? Honestly, with batteries exploding, tracking devices, and all the things modern tech brings, how can he go so fast and far into so many homes? That is to say, modern physics seems to say that this possibility is truly MAGIC.

The Holidazed Santa Story

We leave him cookies and Milk for what fuel? He kisses everyone's mom, Was he the source of covid? I can already hear it on the radio… "I saw mommy kissing Covid Clause underneath the mistletoe last night" might be a popular new song. I always thought he needed a new, more edgy media push. Like a renewal and rebirth of a classic. A slender business tycoon type with fair hair and dressed tidily. Brooks Brothers shoes and designer jackets.

The Holidazed Santa Story

He would have an MBA in Business, a Ph.D. in engineering, and be the founder of the latest technology, the Santa Gram Gun moves objects from one place to another without actually physically moving them.

1. Find a clear and registered Santa pad to land your object (usually under a tree)

2. Point the gun at the non-living matter.

3. Depress trigger

4. Wait for the subject to appear at the final destination.

Like WonkaVision, it has a glitch, but it won't send mammals, fish, or reptiles. But, again, this is because the gun has zero effectiveness ratings for significant living things.

The Holidazed Santa Story

Small bugs are a danger. Unfortunately, most bugs with hard exoskeletons make it through the teleportation and have been sent maliciously to homes… A lady in Australia was inundated with a swarm of rather nasty scorpions. She barely lived through the ordeal.

The North pool is a massive eco-friendly Factory Complex made to sustain small or large populations. The elves are all built on-site using the technology from the elders, like Microsoft, Sony, and Apple. Robots that look so human you wonder if they are living amongst us as humans. They are creepy and unsettling to most. At the North Pole, their excessively hot mechanics are kept cool and operate smoothly.

The Holidazed Santa Story

They tried using them in Arizona with a bad result. The robots actually spontaneously burst into flames. Amazingly, the world has evolved these hundred years since the great Mars migration.

The history is dim to most; they don't remember what it was like. Evolution has changed society. People have learned to live in ways unthought of. Technology will continue to leap bounds in the coming years. Will we make the same mistakes our forefathers made? Let's hope not.

In the year 2420, a new and viable population on Earth and Mars will be listed in the history books. They have mutated into their species… Earthlings and Martians do exist in this world. They are the same, yet different. They both share gifts thanks to Santa and his Santa Gram Gun.