Women

4 Checkpoints For Wisely Helping Hurting Women

By Ellen Mary Dykas

Years ago, when I was an inexperienced ministry leader, a woman with years of counseling experience mentioned a boundary she kept in her professional life. She wanted to remain emotionally healthy, so she placed guardrails on her availability to others. I don’t recall her exact words, but I do remember that my heart immediately responded with judgment!

I assumed that counseling and caring for hurting people meant being as available as possible no matter the cost. Sure, I needed wisdom, but boundaries? No way! The idea seemed unloving, un-Jesus, and coldly professional.

Wow, was I wrong!

Years later, that seasoned leader’s words shape how I care for others. Like participants in endurance races need checkpoints to keep them on the right course, I benefit greatly by having ministry checkpoints.

They guide me to bear burdens wisely rather than following my feelings or letting the needs of others control me. Sisters, if you want to care wisely for hurting women, you need markers to ensure you’re on the right path!

CHECKPOINTS TO FOLLOW THE RIGHT PATH

Below are four checkpoints to keep in mind when a hurting woman seeks you out for help. Her burdens may be a combination of things that threaten her faith, joy, stability, and emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental health. She may be in the throes of marital infidelity, facing past sexual abuse, crushed with grief, disappointment or depression, enslaved to addictions, or in the middle of any of the various trials we face in this life. These checkpoints aren’t exhaustive, but they can help you stay on a ministry path that is focused on Jesus and fueled by the wise, discerning love Paul prayed for in (Philippians 1:9–11).

Checkpoint One: Develop a biblical understanding of bearing burdens.

The beautiful call to bear each other’s burdens is a ministry entrusted to the household of God. We come alongside whenever “anyone is caught in any transgression” to gently restore them through bearing their burdens (Gal. 6:1).

The idea of bearing is more than just dealing with sin. It also includes helping someone bear the troubling and sorrowful consequences that accompany sin. Burden-bearing is one of the ways we faithfully live out the gospel: Christ’s life pouring through us to someone broken and bruised by the Fall. We lean into God, the only one who can daily bear our burdens (Ps. 68:19) without fail.

Paul goes on to say in (Galatians 6:1), “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” What specific temptations do you face when you’re invited into a painful situation? Perhaps pride, fear, or wanting to avoid and seek out a more comfortable ministry? Or you may wrestle with self-serving motives to help because of how it makes you feel and what kickbacks you get of praise or being needed. Perhaps like me, you fall prey to following your compassionate feelings rather than following the God of compassion’s direction!

Sisters, rather than allowing sinful motives to drive us or taking responsibility for what only Jesus can do, we need to understand that wise burden-bearing is done through Him and for His glory so that others are drawn toward Him. This means that Jesus alone, not my ministry desires, spiritual gifts, or feeble reserves of compassion, are to lead me into a burden-bearing relationship.

Checkpoint Two: Learn the difference between teachability and manipulation.

See CHECKPOINTS on Page 11

CHECKPOINTS

Continued from Page 10

Hurting, sinful people sin against and bruise others in all kinds of ways. It’s a reality of life on this side of heaven that we can all respond sinfully to being sinned against!

I’ve written before on tangled relationships. One of the gateways for well-intentioned ministry leaders to become entangled in messy relationships is to lack discernment as to whether a woman seeking help is teachable. She may be in the agony of deep anger, grief, or emotional pain and may or may not be ready or willing to receive godly help offered in a healthy way.

How do you discern teachability versus manipulation? A teachable woman will humbly receive what you offer. Manipulation demands that a helper fix, comfort, counsel, and love on its terms. A teachable heart recognizes that you are a helper; a manipulative one schemes to entice you to be the helper. Teachability manifests itself in recognition that she’s one person among many in your life; manipulation coerces with blame and shame to obligate you to invest more time, energy, and affection upon her.

Do my words sound harsh? I hope not. They’re based on my personal experience of being manipulated and being a manipulator myself! Sometimes women aren’t aware that they’ve developed these patterns. Sadly, this may be what was modeled for them, and so it’s become a way to seek out comfort and attention. Only God knows the motives in a hurting heart, so we can’t judge. We need the Spirit’s help to discern these dynamics so that we can respond wisely to someone’s cries for help by not running away or foolishly rushing in.

Checkpoint Three: Humbly acknowledge when you’re not equipped to help.

Most of us who desire to serve others in Jesus’ name share a common weakness: it’s hard to say no because it doesn’t seem nice! However, it’s both godly and loving to recognize when someone’s troubles and needs are beyond our bandwidth of experience, knowledge, and wisdom. How can you discern if it’s best to redirect a woman to someone else for help? Consider these diagnostic questions and Scriptures. 1. Is there a check in your heart to pause and pull back? Listen to the Holy Spirit! (John 16:13–15) 2. Does this woman’s burden trigger something in you that stirs unease, past pain, or temptations in such a way that produces the fruit of struggle or unbelief in you?

(Rom. 8:5–8; Gal. 6:7–9)

3. Are you simply at a loss as to how to help her? Sisters, we all know that learning how to apply God’s wisdom to the brokenness of this world takes time. There is no embarrassment in being a leader who says, “I am so sorry for what you are facing. I’m not the best person to help you in the details of ____, but I’ll pray for you and help you find someone who is.” That’s beautiful humility! (Rom. 12:1–3;

1 Cor. 3:18–20)

One way you can do this well is to check out the Revive Our Hearts Leaders Page and develop a resource list of topics, counselors, and organizations that provide Christ-centered, biblical help for situations involving abuse, marriage struggles, addictions, sexual sin, emotional distress, and other tough issues.

Checkpoint Four: Grow in discernment regarding the schemes of the enemy.

Many of us can become unaware of our true enemy, the father of lies who is a lion seeking to devour us.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

(Eph. 6:12)

The devil doesn’t play fair. Spiritual warfare may arrive obviously or it may slip subtly through back doors we’d never think to lock. Ministry-based relationships with needy women are one back door through which the enemy tries to attack me. (How else did I learn these checkpoints!)

Satan’s main weapon is distorting the Word of God through lies and deceit. “I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (2 Cor. 11:3).

Here’s how devotion for Jesus can be hijacked when you offer to bear a burden unaware of the enemy’s schemes: • Your times of prayer and Bible study become distracted by this woman’s needs. Jesus is effectively dethroned as Lord in your heart in the context of serving

Him. • Key relationships like family, accountability partners, or close friendships get put on the back burner because you think, she needs me and is desperate . . .

I’m the only one who can help her! Wrong. You’re a helper, not her savior. • Your thinking and involvement with this person produce confused, cloudy, heavy, life-draining fruit in your life. This is not of the Lord! • God calls us to fulfill the law of

Christ by laying down our lives as a worthy act of sacrifice for our Lord (Rom. 12:1–2), so we need to do so wisely! Consider these checkpoints and discuss them with a trusted friend.

Remember: God never asks us to compromise our spiritual, emotional, or relational health for the sake of ministry. Never. So humbly fix your heart on Jesus, seek the Spirit’s guidance, receive counsel from others, and then move out in wise, faithful burden-bearing. © 2001–2022 Revive Our Hearts, an outreach of Life Action Ministries. ECFA Member >

these checkpoints!)

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

If all people were angelic By J R Miller "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you — so you must love one another." (John 13:34) "As I have loved you" means love which is sweet, fragrant, and gentle — to people who are rude and mean-spirited, sel sh, and full of faults, with sharp corners and only partially sancti ed lives. If all people were angelic, and you were too — it would not be hard to love everyone; but as other people are not yet angelic, you will still have need of patience, even if you are angelic yourself, which is quite doubtful. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

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Do You Tell Yourself the Truth?

By Stacey Salsbery

I talk to myself all the time. (Perhaps you do, too.) Sometimes I give myself pep talks.

You can do this, Stacey, calm down and focus.

Other times I chat with myself about news headlines, rehash a recent conversation with a friend, or hold a lengthy discussion about dinner options.

I’m not always nice to myself either. There are times I put myself down and call myself names, quietly saying things I’d never say to anyone else.

There you go again, you big dumb-dumb.

See, I told you that you’re a terrible mother.

But here’s the danger: every time I say those things, I’m barraging my heart with statements that do not align with the truth or the testimony of God’s Word.

I also sometimes rationalize my wrong behavior:

It’s just the way you are.

Don’t worry about it; you can’t help it.

But what I really should be doing is reminding myself of what’s right: I have the Holy Spirit. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead now lives in me, and through Christ, I have the power to overcome sin and temptation.

What we say to ourselves may not seem like a big deal, but the difference between telling ourselves the truth or lies (as in the previous example) is vast. To say things to myself that go against God’s will for me is to place myself on a trajectory of pain, heartache, frustration, and sin. Not to mention that I’ve believed a lie. But when I speak truth to myself, the trajectory is victory over sin, and the result is righteous fruit instead of the works of my flesh. And truth is a giant hedge of protection against the schemes of the devil.

The bottom line is this: the state of our hearts is often a direct result of what we’re saying to our hearts. Is my heart full of truth because that’s what I’ve spoken to myself, or is my heart full of lies because lies are what I’ve chosen to say instead?

It Matters What We Say to Ourselves

Sometimes it feels like I’m a product of my emotions. There are days when stress winds me up tighter than a ballerina’s bun, and it’s my kids who pay the price. In the moment it feels like I can’t help it— I’m just so worried. But peace amid uncertainty is possible, and it begins with reminding myself of Truth.

God’s Word is Truth (John 17:17). There is nothing in the Bible that isn’t true. At any moment, on any given day, I can open my Bible and find the Truth. While it’s increasingly harder to discern truth from lies in today’s information-overloaded world, we know we can look to Scripture with confidence. (Isaiah 45:19) says, “I the LORD speak the truth; I declare what is right.”

But when we’re struggling with something, our immediate reaction is not always to remind ourselves of Scripture. Rightly handling the Word of Truth doesn’t just mean we need to speak it appropriately to others, but we need to speak it appropriately to ourselves.

What do you tell yourself when you’re worried and afraid? Do you feed yourself lies and despair?

My life is over if I don’t get this job.

This will ruin me if it doesn’t work out.

I guess it’s all up to me now.

I can’t believe God let this happen.

How can I go on like this?

Or do you comfort yourself with the Truth?

I don’t need to be afraid; God is with me.

He is my help and my salvation. (Isaiah 41:13) says, “For I, the lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’” Yes, that’s right, God is with me, and He is sovereign.

Scripture Is the Truth We Need the Most

King David is an excellent example of someone who spoke Truth to his heart even in hard times. David wrote many songs of praise while hiding from Saul in caves. With his life on the line (more than once), David continually reminded himself that God was with Him. Here are a few examples:

“This I know that God is for me”

(Psalm 56:9).

“The lord is my shepherd; I shall not want” (Psalm 23:1).

“The lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer” (Psalm

18:2).

“Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life”

(Psalm 54:4).

“But for you, O lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer” (Psalm 38:15).

“The salvation of the righteous is from the lord; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble” (Psalm

37:39).

“For the word of the lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness.” (Psalm 33:4).

But after running from Saul for years, even David had a lapse in thinking. (1 Samuel 27:1) says, “Then David said in his heart, “Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”

Honestly, that doesn’t sound like David, and here’s why: what David says to his heart at that moment is contrary to both the testimony and promise of God. David did not remind himself of the Truth when fear invaded his heart, and it set him on a difficult trajectory. Though God was still with him, David spent the next sixteen months lying to the Philistines’ king, which ended with his men wanting to stone him (1 Sam. 30:6).

Test Your Thoughts against Scripture

So what have you been saying to yourself lately? Are your thoughts according to God’s Word? Do they fit with the testimony of who God is and who we are in Christ? We cannot control what others say to us, but we can control what we say to ourselves.

Speak the Truth to yourself, friends. If you’re lonely, remind yourself that God is with you (Matt. 28:20). If you’re afraid, remind yourself that God is sovereign (Job 42:2). If you’re anxious, try rehearsing Matthew 6:25–34 every time those feelings overwhelm you. Let your heart marinate in the Truth of God’s Word instead of your own understanding.

Don’t exchange the Truth of God for lies (Rom. 1:25). It’s easy to speak false things to ourselves when we’re sad or mad or worried or afraid. If you’re not sure what’s true and what’s not, here’s my advice: start by reading your Bible at the same time every day. Listen to the words of the Lord, and let the Holy Spirit guide you (John 16:13).

Then throughout the day, remind your heart of all that you read. In doing so, you’ll speak words of everlasting Truth straight to your heart. >

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STACEY SALSBERY © 2001–2022Revive Our Hearts, an outreach of Life Action Ministries.>

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