The Art of Civility

–Written by Tanya Andrysiak, Katharine Atkins, Lee-Anne Black, and Aaron Cooper

It’s no secret that the quality of civil discourse has declined in recent years. From pundits who shout over each other on news programs and strangers who lob insults back and forth on social media, to more personal incidents like road rage or perhaps a highly opinionated relative at the holiday table, our children are witnessing adults who increasingly lack the humility, listening skills, and confidence to disagree with respect.

Interestingly, this rise in disrespect for opposing views is one thing most Americans can agree on. According to the 8th installment of the Civility in America poll*, released in March 2018, 93% say our nation has a civility problem and 95% cite the importance of civility to a democratic society.

The art of civility is not only rooted in our democracy, but also in the very essence of our mission as a school,” says Head of School Mark Reed.

“With today’s global issues becoming increasingly complex, we must ask ourselves, ‘How do we at Country Day prepare our students to thrive in and contribute well to a multicultural society?’ A key ingredient is intentionally creating a learning environment that fosters the art of civility.”

Civil discourse is about more than being polite (though being polite is a necessary component). It’s about seeking common ground, being open to the possibility that your preconceptions may be wrong, and seeing the humanity in others even as you disagree. It’s the ability to listen deeply, to ask probing questions, and to see the complexity and nuance in an issue. Those who possess the skill set necessary to lead the civil exchange of opposing ideas are also those primed to make the greatest impact in shaping the future of our fast-changing, global society.

It begins with four year olds

Our youngest learners tend to enter conversations fearlessly and with true curiosity. “Why is your skin a different color than mine?” “How come your nose is so big?” “Do you believe in God?” No topic is off-limits, and that’s a gift to teachers at Country Day as they help set the foundation for an open-minded approach to learning and life.

In junior kindergarten and kindergarten, the AMAZE curriculum helps children to see difference as a positive thing. Using high-quality literature,hands-on activities, and persona dolls, teachers explicitly teach children the knowledge, values, and skills they need to support and respect each other across differences of race, class, culture, gender, and so forth. Another way teachers prepare Lower School children for the world beyond Country Day is by spending time teaching them how to listen to one another and seek out different perspectives. Politely remaining quiet while waiting to share your own idea is not listening.

“Children often equate being quiet with listening when, in fact, we’re often thinking about our own ideas rather than truly listening to the speaker,” explains Ashley Johnston, director of studies for the Lower School. “This is a difficult skill, even for adults, so we spend a lot of time in the Lower School really breaking down the steps for our students and giving them time to practice this skill from a young age. We teach them how to listen with their whole body, show interest in what the speaker is saying, and understand another person’s point or perspective.”

As students get older, teachers layer on more difficult skill sets, such as how to ask probing questions, how to argue effectively, and how to agree or disagree respectfully.

According to Ms. Johnston, “By the time our students leave Lower School, we want them to be able to debate effectively and respectfully, ask thoughtful questions of others’ perspectives, and resolve conflicts peacefully. Students don’t always see these skills modeled by the adults in our larger society, so it’s vital that we model it in our own community and give children the tools they need to be thoughtful and respectful communicators and thinkers. By fourth grade, we want to hear our students acknowledging and considering differing opinions, and engaging in healthy discussions about topics on which they might disagree.”

What do I think and why does it matter?

Last spring, Middle School social studies teacher Aaron Cooper shared with the Board of Visitors how he and his colleagues equip their students with the skills to navigate an often uncivil world with perspective, respect, civility, and courage. His presentation was so well-received, we’ve asked him to repeat as much as possible for this article. The words below are Mr. Cooper’s: Middle School is an important time for students as they begin to question everything. We know that many are asking themselves, “What do I think and why does it matter?”

Our mission is to foster healthy dialogue about the issues that emerge; not to tell students what to think, but to teach them how to arrive at their own conclusions and then how to discusstheir ideas in a civil manner.

As we encourage dialogue, especially between opposing views, it is crucial to give our students broad experiences to help shape and support their beliefs. In the classroom, we broaden their perspective through the lesson choices we make in terms of diverse voices. As a Middle School, we have also made positive efforts to represent a greater number of diverse voices in the front of the room, whether it be a guest speaker or a new hire. Advisory is another opportunity for students to realize how much they may actually have in common with one another through activities and discussions around topics like the power of a single story and stereotypes.

The wide variety of field trips and experiences abroad offered to both students and faculty also helps broaden our experiences and shape our perspectives and knowledge of the world outside the walls of Bissell Campus. Studentsand adults come back transformed and energized by the things they touched, tasted, and lived. And through the many service opportunities, Middle School students and faculty learn about others and put names to faces and stories that then inform us, change us, and give us perspectives we did not have before.

We also continue the work started in Lower School to teach students how to own what they say, and support what they say using current, credible, and correct resources. With so much information available at their fingertips, it’s more important than ever to teach students how to sift through the noise and get beyond the soundbites to assess what’s credible, as well as look beyond just the sources that make us feel good because they affirm what we already believe. On any given day, teachers and students in all disciplines are using paid and free sources, vetted Web sites, databases that give us access to the best scholarly articles and journals, primary documents, and unmatched access to museums and newspapers from around the world.

Students as mediators

In the Upper School, we transition from the teacher as the mediator of dialogue to the students as mediators. Tanya Andrysiak, Upper School director of studies, shares the many ways our oldest students begin to foster and lead discussion with constructive dialogue and critical examination, and are equipped with the tools to lead and serve in the world.

From a curriculum standpoint, Country Day students continue to learn and understand how to respectfully counter opinions which are not in line with their own across all subject areas. For instance, the annual history research papers—required of all ninth-, tenth-, and eleventh-grade students—is meticulously checked for sound argument and correct citation of scholarly sources, enabling our students to internalize the need for legitimate support when stating a claim. In English classes, the traditional “chalk and talk” lecture of earlier generations has been replaced by literary discussion circles. To help ensure class discussions are student-driven and outcome-oriented, Upper School history teacher Lyn Tillett and English teacher Mike Roark attended a workshop about the Harkness Method of discourse (see story on page 36). In the arts, students have the opportunity to take and give feedback—often on projects with a strong emotional component; and in math and science courses, students are regularly involved in group projects, preparing them for the reality of collaborative work in these professional fields.

And key to the Upper School’s success in molding students into thoughtful leaders is our strong advisory program. All students have faculty guiding them and redirecting them, as needed, throughout their experience in the Upper School. The expectation, though, is that they must be prepared to stand up, speak up, support their perspectives, and really hear what others say.

Outside of the classroom, the Diversity Awareness Forums provide real-world opportunities for students to learn how to present, listen, and discuss topics that can be challenging to them. Run by students, these moderated, lunchtime gatherings involve conversations around big topics like racial identity, religious identity, and gender identity, among others. All students in grades 9–11 are required to attend three sessions each year; seniors are often the facilitators of the conversations, modelling both advocacy and respectful dialogue.

“I have to admit I was initially a bit skeptical of engaging in conversation with someone with whom I fundamentally disagree,” says Rachel Uri ’13, who graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill in 2017 with a degree in psychology and is currently in graduate school at UNC-Charlotte in the Clinical Health Psychology Program.

However, I came to realize that sometimes discussion isn’t always about agreement; sometimes discussion is just about understanding.

That’s a foundation upon which I have been able to build in college and graduate school. Civil discourse will undoubtedly continue to shape my experience as a graduate student, and one day, a psychologist; being able to listen to, respect, and ultimately understand the perspectives of others ensures success in a diverse society.”

Ready for tomorrow

The opportunities and avenues we are creating allow our students to apply what they have learned at Country Day and go out into the world.

Last spring, Mr. Cooper received an e-mail from Amelia Brown ’14, a recent Northwestern graduate. She wrote about her time in his eighth-grade history course, “I believe it’s no coincidence that at this time I was learning about the Civil Rights Movement and the Vietnam War in your class. I watched footage of children being hosed by state police, read A Letter from a Birmingham Jail, and learned about the devastation of MLK’s and Bobby Kennedy's assassinations in 1968. I became inspired by this history… and this was the time I first became passionate about activism, politics and government, and human and civil rights. It’s a passion that I carry with me every day and has only grown, now as an Advocacy Fellow, to potentially pursuing a law degree, and who knows what beyond.” “Notes like hers don’t arrive every day,” concludes Mr. Cooper. “But when they do, they reaffirm the work done in Lower, Middle, and Upper School to help individuals not only discover and follow their passions, but to equip them with the skills to navigate an often uncivil world with perspective, respect, civility, and courage.”

*Conducted annually since 2010 by Weber Shandwick and Powell Tate, in partnership with KRC Research.