SCATONAUTS IN THE ASSMOS
A Book by JaNus
3
SCATONAUTS IN THE ASSMOS
C H A RY B D I S P R E S S new york
Published by Charybdis Press New York First Printing in the United States of America 2016 15 14 13 12 4 3 2 1 Some rights reserved http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/
Scatonauts in the Assmos
is set in Neuzeit, Rockwell and Whitman, designed by Ken Lew. Book edited and designed by Jason Blasso Text by Jason Blasso and Niall Twohig Photo by Mollie Rivera www.charybdispress.com
SCATONAUTS IN THE ASSMOS E n t e r
t h e
H o l y
o f
A Book by JaNus AKA Fist & Finger
H o l i e s
After scouring the Assmos, the Scatonauts finally arrived at the Holy of Holies to hear the Hosannahs of the High Hierophants. And lo, this is what they heard echoing in basso profundo through the vast tunnels as they sought the source of the sound: Holy, holy, holy, The Lord’s shit is power and might. The Assmos is filled with Your glory. Hosanna in the highest. Blessed is he who shits In the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest. And these curious pilgrims, enchanted by the chorus, walked until they met the choir. When the singing stopped and the song’s long echo subsided, the High Hierophants rose and seeing the Scatonauts approached them and
bid them welcome. And the Highest of the High Hierophants greeted them: Thou Art Scat. To which the nimble-minded Scatonauts replied: Scat Art Thou. And the Highest of the High Hierophants farted and said: Amen. Then, the Highest of the High Hierophants asked the Scatonauts what is the nature of their Assmogony. Niall stepped forward and gave his account of the creation of the Assmos:
In the beginning was the mouth and the lentil. And the mouth saw that the lentil was good. So, it came to pass that the mouth ate the lentil. And, for an immeasurable time, all was good. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, the great Void churned in upon its nothingness. On the first day, the first sound came to pass—ugh— and a great gaseous plume filled the Void. The mouth, knowing it had soured a perfectly good eternity, began to gag. Alas, nothing came up. What was done could not be undone. Let it be known that regret was born on this the second day. On the third day, the mouth discovered how to clench the Void inward. Time and space dilated and the great sphincter emerged ex nihilo. But the mouth knew that this was not enough, for the great gaseous plume had nowhere to go. So, the mouth continued to
clench inward. On the fourth day, the asshole puckered out of the Void. The mouth, seeing its fellow orifice, was pleased. On the fifth day, the mouth rested and the sphincter went to work. With a great heave it pushed the gaseous plume toward the asshole. Something was brewing, but just what it was remained a mystery. On the sixth day: a big bang! Lo, the great plume of gas unleashed a fiery splash of spiral galaxies and sizzling nebulae, x and cosmic rays, stars of all shapes and sizes from blue giants to a mess of brown dwarves. The mouth, not expecting the ass to unleash all this matter and anti-matter, grimaced. The second sound was born from its lips: Shit! And though at first angered, it at last smiled upon the assmos. On the seventh day, the mouth and the
asshole rested. While they did so, billions upon billions of galaxies began to spin in a centripetal flush. Somewhere amid those galaxies, a backwater little solar system collected just the right amount of scat and the turd planet from its sun is where some life began. All kinds of plants and beasts grew out of the waters, rocks, and soil. Strangest among them was man, the ultimate shit who grew out of shit. With the creation of man, the cosmic asshole was awakened from its slumber. It became tense knowing that it had given rise to something in its own image. Man’s sphincter rose in challenge. The Highest of the High Hierophants nodded and looked to Jason, who stepped forward as Niall stepped back, to recite his Assmogony:
In the beginning, the Aperture opened and within it was the Void. All was perfect and serene until both sides began speaking at the same time. After an incalculable number of Pardons and No, you firsts and But, I insists, one side finally digressed and allowed the other side to speak. The speaking side thanked the silent side and said: What I was going to ask was: Who should be the Front and who should be the Back? But, since you nobly backed down, the matter has clearly been decided; and so, I shall take up the position, and from henceforth be known as: Front. The other side, now known as Back, immediately began putting up a stink, because it too had the same question. But no matter how much it demanded to be called Front by arguing that it was more of a Front than Front because it had allowed Front to speak first, Front would not yield and countered
by saying: Listen, it’s just a name. I’m Front because I was first and you’re Back because you were last. But, depending on how you look at it, a Back is a Front and a Front is a Back. They’re just different terms for the same thing. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with Back. You can’t have a Back without a Front. So, just let it be. And Back would reply sullenly: That’s easy for you to say. And Back then became quiet and withdrew, as much as Back could, from Front. When Front would speak, Back wouldn’t listen but hum to itself. Front chided Back for this and tried to make light of the situation but this only chafed Back more. And so Back brooded and pouted until Back could brood and pout no more. It was then, in a state of lucid calmness, that an Idea struck and Back giggled to itself and said: Now, I’ll show you. And with that, Back shat
out a piece of itself before it and, with its last words before it lost the power of speech, said to Front: Alas, now I too am Front. And the first Front, upset at having become a Back after it had just become the Front, tried to turn to face the new creation, but no matter how it turned it could not face it. And so the first Front brooded and pouted and burned with curiosity until the first Front could brood and pout and burn no more. It was then, in a state of lucid calmness, that an Idea struck and Front giggled to itself and said: Very clever of you, but I too am clever. You taught me a lesson you didn’t intend to teach. Behold. And the first Front stretched forward and time and space were born. As the first Front moved, it continued to speak: In order to grow and gain, you must give of yourself. Only with nothing is there something. Only
with weakness is there strength. Only with incompleteness is there completeness. And so I shall cripple our side. And the first Front did just that. As it strained forward, instead of moving straight ahead, it began turning, with great effort, into an arc. When the first Front almost completed its Circumference, it came upon Back’s creation and looked at it with wonder and said: Here, before me is great potential. Within this compressed speck of light all things are contained. We must never live apart. Return back to us and let all opposites be equal. And with that, the first Front opened wide its mouth and swallowed the light which exploded inside. Front now came face-to-face with Back and said: Back you are as much Front as I am Back. Let us quarrel no more of first and last. Let us come together as in the past. And the first Front and second Back kissed the silent
sphincter of the first Back and second Front and the two were whole again. And the highest of High Hierophants nodded and told the Scatonauts that they both had deep wisdom and understanding of the origins of all, and he asked them to stay and accompany him to the great hall as his guests where they would discuss their travels from station to station across the stars divulging the state of awareness of the Assmos’s populations as they dine on various delectations until the time of flatulations gave rise to the final defecations when together they would all retire to the Throne Room to give their morning oblations. Honored, the Scatonauts bowed solemnly and followed the Highest of High Hierophants into the bowels of the Great Temple humming the Scatus that was still fresh in their mind:
Holy, holy, holy, The Lord’s shit is power and might. The Assmos is filled with Your glory. Hosanna in the highest. Blessed is he who shits In the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest.
About the Authors JaNus is a writing and art collaborative between Jason Blasso and Niall Twohig. Together, the two, at times, produce surreal and scatological works of depth and humor by translating their third eye through their brown eye. They create as naturally as they defecate and hope you do too.
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