The Cheese Grater Freshers 2017 3
Humour
Billy Fresher Tests The Waters
UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction T. Greater Good
Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into cheering up its disaffected yoof. One favourite scheme is the much-loved delayed exam timetable release. Every year, UCL thoughtfully reduces the time during which students feel exam stress by simply not telling them the exams are happening until the night immediately before. And how brave of the college to inspire self-sufficiency in its disabled students by refusing to provide the necessary provisions for them to even sit their exams. Good job! UCL administration even found time for some
Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season) And You Shall Know My Name. And It Is Justice
retail therapy, blowing £70k on a rebrand of the students’ union. The standard UCL purple colour scheme, deemed by a focus groups to be “just too fucken miserable”, has been replaced by a cheery orange, a colour associated with many positive things such as juice, a reliable phone signal and the royal family of the Netherlands. Some have argued that this money would have been better spent providing bursaries for disadvantaged students or improving UCL’s mental health services, but here at The Cheese Grater, we remain confident in the iron will of our great Leaders. Stay strong, Michael!
When you get to my age, you really learn to hate the young. You know the types - the ‘Ya, ya, yaa’ Quentins, the ‘bro, bro brooo’ Jakes. I’ve cleaned up all their sick - from their chunder in Chandler, their retches in Roberts, their puke in Pearson, their ‘art’ (shit) in the Slade and even their vomit in the Velaquez Memorial Lecture theatre in the Institute of the Americas.
It wasn’t always this way, of course. As Spring turns to Autumn and kebabs turn to spew, so this weary world rolls on. My name is Grant. Malcolm Grant. Look me up, newbies - look me up and see your future. I’m laughing now though - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - because I know that you’ll be here cleaning little Lord McShithead’s piss off the side of the portico when Daddy’s mummy runs dry after another recession. When Mummy’s sold the wine cellar to pay off the gambling debts, you’ll come begging for my job. And I will laugh and spit and laugh and you will know the reckoning of the Gods.
When you’ve cleaned up enough regurgitated mess, you learn things. You begin to categorise them; you learn to spot the signs of a repeat offender. And then, how refreshing it is to glare at them from across the quad - their precious hair in a grimy knot, You absolute fucks. bodies empty of digestive waste but full to the brim with self-assured wankerness.
Contributors: Tara Sarangi, James Witherspoon, Huw Steer, Jack Redfern, Laura Foster-Devaney, Jason Murugesu, Jack Redfern, Leo Freund-Williams, Alex Diamond, Ross Humphreys, Anna Saunders
