Book by Chelsea Dautenhahn

Recollection Chelsea Dautenhahn

dedicated to: all the people i've decided to let go

part I: eros

“the way to create art is to burn and destroy ordinary concepts and to substitute them with new truths that run down from the top of the head and out from the heart” Charles Bukowski

facetime it’s 1:21am it’s 4:21am where you are you keep alternating from sleep to wake the segments of you asleep make me jealous of the bed and blankets that cradle you in i’m envious because a few inanimate objects get to feel your heartbeat and hold your every movement but i am merely a pixilated shape on a screen it’s 1:21am and i’m jealous of a few inanimate objects

five senses today, you asked me which sense i would give up hearing allows me to experience the way you whimper in your sleep touch let’s me to connect with you on the deepest level when words fail taste tells me that you love cigarettes and spearmint gum smell reminds me that you’ve been intertwined with my sheets (and my hair...and my clothes...) sight holds memories it gives me the opportunity to study segments of you sight captured the first time i saw you the way you look at me and the birthmark on your chin i need them all so i can break each piece of you down and compose you in whole all exceptional in their own way it’s not an option to live without a single one you occupy all five senses

“i don’t think i can do this anymore” that one afternoon phone call has been lingering in my nightmares: the line stopped ringing and through your tears you managed to choke out the eight words that could have changed everything and if i wasn’t so caught off guard i would have been prepared to beg you to stay but instead my lungs deflated upon the impact of your words i know that life has found a way to complicate itself since we first met and we both know how this ends but i also know you feel it too the electricity that strikes every cell causing all thoughts to become like the black and white blur that dominates over a television screen each jolt of static that hits every time you exhale indistinct syllables into my mouth

match box when a match is forcefully struck a flame submerges the match whole completely infatuated with one another they provide light until the match is nothing but a pile of ash abandoning the flame once illuminating now left empty i guess you could say that we were nothing but a box of matches

broken promises i will never fix the distorted pieces of you but i will adore all the things you hate about yourself i will write about all the parts of yourself that you fail to understand i will write poetry on your mirrors your shoes your walls your skin your surfboard and your windowsill so you will stumble across fragments of me while i’m away i will kiss you in the most stunning places on this earth that way you will never be able to visit those places again without tasting me on your tongue

the sketchbook in a town of destruction you walk through the chaos, unscathed stuck in your head with nothing but pencil marks lightly stroked smudged and intricately combined you express images that formulate in your mind you’re completely at peace not aware of the debris collecting around you with nothing but a pencil you develop a place that understands your conflicted thoughts

traveling thoughts i am currently viewing the world from a different perspective where i am cities are silent when i was younger i would gaze into the clouds convinced it was heaven and now that i’m here and if this is all there is then i’d have to say that heaven is quite lonely i thought our distance apart was vast until i realized that i’m closer to the sun than i am to you

secrets whispers could replace all oxygen molecules that’s how nights were with him and i whether it was warm breath in my ear or a phone exhaling sutters of confessions or even a crumbled, water damaged piece of paper filled with chicken scratch it didn’t matter what form it was presented in because the words always seemed to be rolling in there has never been a shortage of secrets to share i was the only one who had seen the undiscovered corners of his mind i began to feel superior to anyone he’s ever met he knew that the pain that he exerted was absorbed into every pore of my skin i spent day and night working to make his voice a familiar ringing in my ears just as familiar as my morning cup of joe

you’re really nice you have really nice skin it holds in all your blood and organs no leaking or anything you look great you have a really nice mouth it holds all the recipes of your smile and releases your words i’m so thankful for it you have really nice lungs they allow you to breathe and sustain your very being it’s a shame you don’t realize that’s enough you have really nice bones they keep you together and hold you up on the days i cannot be strong enough for the both of us you have a really nice brain it has layers, intricate folds it formulates the most immaculate thoughts your simple beauty is overwhelming

summer fling on a beach you asked me to walk with you down by the shore it didn’t take much more than that to start a relationship the tide was high so charmed by one another we didn’t seem to mind being sea soaked and sand filled it didn’t take much longer than that for the tide to decrease taking you right along with it

11:34am you’re my favorite paradox you bring complete anger to my eyes and intense devastation to my chest you bring downpour to my heart but you also bring sunshine which forms a rainbow at the end of it all no on else can make me feel as small and no one else can make me feel as big as you do

til death do us part i want to spill ink onto pages that will break your heart then mop up the careless mess into words that might fix it again there is nothing you can ever do to lose my love i’d wait for you until my cheeks caved in and i could only toothlessly mumble “welcome home”

iver toujours (winter forever) you’re like my favorite season i love you like winter i miss when you’re away and crave your return i like the way summer kisses my face spring sometimes reminds me of home but not even fall’s cool touch could satisfy me when you’re here my environment is safe everything is okay again i couldn’t be more content nothing can compare with the magic you bring when you whisper snow like secrets into the air the whole world stops to listen you’re like my favorite season maybe even all four season combined because with you i can’t seem to find a fault

poison upon meeting you i had no idea my bones could ache your smile clogged my heart sinking me beneath the san francisco bay your words filled my lungs i fell for you completely i haven’t been able to catch my breath since i would kiss all the hate out of your mouth even though i’d imagine it would suffocate me but i guess i like things that are deadly i literally cannot get enough of you i wish there was a way to inject you into my veins

in need of surgery my ribcage is bruised from the way my heart thumps uncontrollably against it every time you direct your words in my direction my ribcage is fractured from the way that the butterflies in my stomach suddenly transform into wild bats colliding against my ribs every time our eyes find one another’s my ribcage has collapsed and knocked the words out of my throat i can never seem to keep your attention

tidal waves real love is deep like an ocean in which it is so easy to let yourself become consumed the feelings are less like butterflies and more like tidal waves every time i shut my eyes i find myself drowning in thoughts of you

blooming all my bones seem to whisper your name i want your thoughts written on lips and your secrets soaked into my skin eventually, the flowers will grow out of your chest only then will rivers flow into your veins you remove the “maybe”s from my lungs and i’m beginning to breathe again

i wish i had never met you i kissed you as hard as i could and whispered “i love you” between your lips i then smiled and told you that i wished i had never met you i could see the confusion and hurt dripping down your face you then asked me why i said that here is my reply: you were etched into my bones and mixed in with the blood in my veins your voice was caught in the sky and your laugh was intertwined with the stars i was a wreck before i met you i think you saved me i was on fire you put me out i was falling apart you laced me back together you were the safest land for my broken vessel but we are young and in love and we both know that never lasts you’re going to meet someone prettier and nicer and smarter and she will find that spot on your neck (where you love to be kissed) on the second date you’re going to love her and i’ll slip from your mind but you’ll always be in mine or maybe you won’t meet someone else but you’ll find yourself thinking of other things before you fall asleep things that have nothing to do with me

or the pattern of my breathing you’ll start to realize that you really hate the way i laugh too loud and bite my lip when i’m nervous you’ll get tired of finding empty pill bottles and finding me on the bedroom floor things that you once loved about me will get twisted in your mind they’ll fade away and make your skin itch you’ll leave and then the sound of my name will make you sick or maybe we are so in love that that could never happen but something will happen i’ll meet your mother and she will think my dress is too short she will see what i have known all along that you’re too good for me or maybe you’ll get a job at the other side of the country you’ve always liked cold weather and i’ll stay in california because we both know i’m not too great with change we both know how this ends the fire will start again and you’ll be gone i wish i had never met you

part II: maintaining radio silence

“chemicals are the thing of today today i’ll take as many chemicals as i can get my greasy paws on because the scent reminds me of you yesterday’s scent is still here today i’m bleached flat out stranded and obsessed i’ve got to leave because you’re still here in my air fucking with my sense of smell invading my airwaves you’re all over the sheets and in the bathroom my couch reeks of you! you’ve left your underwear and coat and records and books and scent here in my place of recovery the place where i’ve crawled off to die like a cat under a house after he’s been hit i’m still laying around waiting”

Kurt Cobain

there is no temporary option i finally deleted all of your pictures and voicemails i've stopped listening to your music and reading your letters i tried to delete you from my memories but a window popped up it said, "this file is too big. would you like to delete permanently?" my hand has been hovering over the "yes" button for days i'm still trying to find the will to press down

how to quickly fall out of love: 1.) fall in love with someone who just fell out of love 2.) after they block you out of their life for months let them back into your life with the intention of staying friends (they will be distant in fear of leading you on) 3.) think of this person constantly even though they’re thinking of someone else 4.) spend days in front of a mirror critiquing yourself, beating yourself up 5.) ask yourself questions like: “why wasn’t i enough? skinny enough? nice enough?” 6.) have a drink... or two… or four and then text them in detail of how empty you feel without them 7.) after they answer with a shallow, unapologetic, “sorry” (you will feel pathetic but soon their name will begin to taste like battery acid in our mouth) 8.) scream into pillows at 2:49am (it hurts the most at night) 9.) realize that the person you wasted months on is actually a pig inside a human body (you will feel stupid and confused because how did the person you used to compare the moon to suddenly transform into someone who makes you sick) 10.) start hating yourself because you’ll never forget them (you don’t even really want to)

trash when we first met sexual innuendo was your idea of conversation & i was keeping up with the latest trends, turning into plastic allowing one another to become completely consumed in our vices medicine was no longer something i dreaded to take you fell in love with the devil’s brew our relationship belonged in a biohazard bin the toxicity never came with a warning label and i wish we went our separate ways sooner because when we last met you were very opinionated and intelligent & i was growing into myself finally at peace with my demons

overanalyzing i spent months carefully extracting and mending every possible combination of letters each sentence that was composed unique in their own way but all included the word, “stay” i wasted months trying to complicate something as simple as asking you to stay

let go remember when i promised to stick by you no matter what? consider it a testimony of how much i love you that i spent so long pouring myself into that promise trying to keep my word because i never wanted to let you down it all seems like a heartache we won’t let go of because it hurts too good we all want things to stay the same we would even settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change of things crumbling into ruins but then think of the chaos we’ve endured the way we’ve adapted the way we’ve been burned, knocked down but still found a way to build ourselves back up again only to find ourselves stronger than before the things that we want to overcome are the very things that keep us alive so wouldn’t it only be right to say that ruin is a gift? wouldn’t it be only right to say that ruin is the road to transformation? both of us deserve better than staying together because we’re afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t maybe when you calm down you will forgive me (for hurting you in such a way that you felt the need to run from me) but i can no longer wait for your forgiveness because when is now and now just passed so i must forgive myself

underneath fully clothed i fell into the shower in an desperate attempt to wash you away the water that rushed over me scorched me straight from the inside out i began to scrub my skin raw and i thought that your touch would wash off that your kisses would go spiraling down the drain but i could still feel you everywhere your fingertips dancing along my hips your mouth grazing at my collarbones i feared that forever, you’d be under my skin

silence i’ll be doing really well throughout the day keeping myself busy therefore, my brain is unavailable to access memories of you but in the moments of quiet when the dust settles and things become still the silence rams me down everything floods back into my consciousness everything you said everything we had put into existence and in these moments i have to roll back the tears swallow the growing lump in my throat and find something new to keep me distracted and if i didn’t do that i’d imagine that i’d go fucking insane i’d be drowning in reflections of you of us of how things were i fear if i let myself remotely allow you into my thoughts i would sleep all day because i know when i woke my mind would swell i would crumble and my head would hover merely centimeters above water

plan for revenge i shouldn’t have let you fall in love with someone so dysfunctional i squeezed my eyes shut when i saw how i left you you represent nothing but all my broken promises you relapse in our photographs and hate being alone i know forgetting someone is the greatest revenge so everyday throw a piece of me away until my name no longer registers memories in your mind i never deserved your fingertips down my spine and you never deserved to be kissed by scum

loss of trust for so long i had a graveyard growing in my room i was convinced if i let anyone see all the skeletons hidden in my closet that they would grind my bones into powder and get high off of my faultlines when i met you i swallowed my pride took all the crippled portions of myself placed them into your hands and said, “i’m fucked up but i trust you” there was nothing rational about placing all my love into hands that shake that tremble like a haitian sidewalk despite knowing all the risk involved i did it regardless and my deepest fears were confirmed when you left you burned down all the bridges we had built

17 texts i almost sent you ❖ compliments feel like lies without your mouth wrapped around them [delete] ❖ i’m sorry [delete] ❖ i look for you in everyone i meet i really want to stop [delete] ❖ i wonder if the memory of me is keeping you up next to her [delete] ❖ today sucked i wish i could hide in the notches of your spine [delete] ❖ all you ever say to me anymore is, “sorry” but your words no longer hold any meaning [delete] ❖ i’m so exhausted even in my dreams [delete] ❖ my chest could cave in with the weight of all my regrets [delete] ❖ i don’t get how someone who used to feel so much like home could feel so unfamiliar and distant [delete] ❖ i still find myself having conversations with you in my head going back through old talks we had and trying to fix where everything went wrong [delete] ❖ no one understands they think it’s beautiful how i’m broken [delete] ❖ one time you told me that i should stop smoking because you could see us being together for a long time

ever since you left, i tend to incinerate an extra one for you [delete] ❖ life is going my way, everything is well but then the thought of you makes me sick and i feel like i’m starting over [delete] ❖ it’s 4am and i’m envious of each cigarette that has ever touched your lips [delete] ❖ in our first conversations you told me that you sometimes get extremely sad for reasons unknown to you i’ve been trying to figure you out since [delete] ❖ every time i speak your name i brush my teeth in an attempt to rinse you out of my mouth [delete] ❖ i'm still so hopelessly in love with you the pain is paralyzing at night i’m going to throw up [delete]

terrified i can’t remember your smile that used to peek through after an intoxicated slur of words f e l l from my mouth it’s been several months since i’ve heard your voice so in my dreams i attempt to string each tone and pitch together to recreate your laugh i’ve said, “come back” so many times that it’s become distorted in my vocal chords and your vocal chords have forgotten how to project my name i get frustrated when my mind begins to compose all the segments of you because i know with you i am wasting my breath and ink at 6am when my brain isn’t fully conscious it automatically thinks of you it doesn’t know how not to i’m terrified of every memory of you but more terrified of that fact that i can’t seem to let go i cling to them (like a leaf holding on to the final fragments of it’s life)

wasted years after three years we finally addressed feelings that had been there since the beginning we threw around the word ‘love” too many times keeping in contact through pointless texts during the day filling in countless hours of the night with video chats chockfull of intimate conversation a relationship that seemed so seamless blinded to the fatal flaw in our operation i shouldn’t have been surprised when you ended up leaving without explanation after three years

this is the last thing i will write while still in love with you today, i will forgive myself because you said you don’t think you ever could i will stop trying to piece together all that has been shattered all i’m ever left with is bloody hands and still no answers we once fit together so seamlessly you couldn’t tell where it all began your skin stretched over my bones my words in your mouth your fragments are different now they keep shifting to fit within hers the fit is never quite right but you say that it’s close enough i hope having your edges whittled down in an attempt to conform to hers has been worth it (because i can no longer recognize you)

bittersweet the day we met is burned into my skull stashed in the compartment labeled “bittersweet” every memory is placed in an order of perfect to decent you’re toward the beginning, thoughtfully positioned between the first time my lips loomed over a cup of coffee and the first time i heard a Beatles song it’s bittersweet because i knew i would never experience that feeling again i will forever remember the first time i saw you my first thought was, “don’t look at me” i thought i knew i knew that there would be no possible way that such a rare find as you would find me remotely appealing that once you looked my way, it would be all over but i was wrong because you finally relaxed the velcro on your lips and released your words toward me you saw something in me that i have spent years looking in the mirror trying to find and i’m glad you did because over the months i counted your every smile every crack in your laugh every place your fingertips touched the exact pattern of your breathing is carved into my thoughts i remember the first time i kissed you your face turned so red it could have kept my room warm for days i remember the morning after you left you were gone completely gone and nothing in my room or in my house could prove otherwise

so i left i left the sheets that were once entangled in your legs sprawled across my poor excuse for a bed i turned off the lights to a room that used to harbor so many pieces of you i think your laugh is still caught between the floorboards all details are embedded in my mind refusing to leave haunting me always asking to stay to remember the good each moment with you caused every part of my being to become in sync stimulated with pure bliss but all happiness was short lived because nothing will ever compare nothing could ever be that effortlessly ideal again i fear that i have already felt all the high points of every emotion that i have felt all that i’m going to feel in this lifetime i fear that from here on out i won’t feel anything new just lesser versions of things i have already experienced i used to be so sure of us so secure in our relationship but as months of us being apart continues to add up my knowing turns to hoping hoping that i still hold a place in your folder of memories hoping that you still visit that folder often

part III: etc.

“dear hands, i know you like to write poetry but you cannot bring a metaphor to a gunfight” Rudy Francisco

los angeles a fight broke out at 3:08am and underneath a bougy pool table was the evidence: a distorted figure comforted by a burgundy stained sheet left carelessly bass crept into my chest scrambling all thoughts a result of the tasteless songs played by girls who are far too young to be pressed against morallacking college boys holding my breath (pretending that it would make me invisible) i crawled through seas of bodies sweating out the rank perfume of alcohol the parking lot held illegal activities hands exchanging money for unspeakable acts once safely hidden in my hotel room i shed off my day skin while incinerating a cigarette i dragged and positioned a chair in front of the window (which held all the twinkling of city life) i spent the last hours of darkness murmuring soothing words to the city these words will never be heard

trapped i find it quite difficult to know everything about myself my mind is constantly hiding things filling in reasoning compartments with irrational fears while keeping sensibility handcuffed and locked away my throat is giving shelter to words i will never speak these words emed themselves into every movement until every contour of my muscles become a cry for help

infinite i have these dreams in which i have made a home concealed in the fine lines before a black hole (where time slows) a place where the importance of time slips from grasp the sense of urgency disappears the concept of life being “too short” no longer exists i lay in between on my left is the opening to an obscure disaster leading to oblivion on my right are the blinding breathtaking fire engulfed stars in these dreams i am convinced that if i stay here long enough time will stop all together

spencer’s moth collection moths never get much credit they aren’t as striking as butterflies but you found beauty in their simple, dull colors as wings fluttered around they took off soaring into the sky you would watch wideeyed and mesmerized as if you were watching ballerinas float gracefully across a stage maybe that’s why you wanted to fly (even just for a few seconds) maybe that was your way of telling the moths that you were okay with ending your life

forgive me i wish there is a word used for an apology that is so intense that the ground shakes after it’s spoken one that communicates that everyday i live with this raining cloud of regret over my head and a voice in my brain screaming “you didn’t do enough, you didn’t even try” but there isn’t so, i’m left with this overused word that holds no meaning: sorry i’m sorry that all I can say is i’m sorry it kills me because it will never get the point across it will never let you into the deepest corners of my mind it will never express to you that i’m kicking myself constantly that i’m dedicating hours trying to conduct the best word to use for my apology

xanax there is a chemical cocktail swimming through my bloodstream i am walking on liquid and coursing through clouds i can see it all i can see the entire spectrum

letter to my body dear body i have never been kind to you i have always thought you were ugly i often stand in front of the mirror wishing you were different at times, i do not want you to be seen i try to hide you, i am so ashamed of you i try to shrink you i have deprived you of food and filled you with chemicals by harming you i hoped that it would fix all my emotional battles i thought if i were only skinnier or more attractive i would feel loved i have allowed others to take advantage of you and objectify you i thought maybe i would feel some type of self worth i am never satisfied no matter how much i hurt you it has never helped relieve this mundane sadness and i don’t know why you continue to fight for me there were so many times i could have died and if even when i felt like i couldn’t carry on you always did for me, you fought for my existence thank you i know i don’t say that enough i’m sorry for taking you for granted

you taste different we were finally together, sitting in your car with nothing left to say two years made its home between us you knew that any composition of letters would never be sufficient enough to fill the lost time that lingered that separated us even your hand on my knee felt trite, inaccurate we sat defeated and surrendered to the sound of the friction of your jeans as you bounced your leg of your dense sighs of the shallow, rapid breaths that followed

we both wrote poetry when we would argue our neighbors would press their ear against the wall to listen they had never heard anything so beautiful we always expressed ourselves in so much detail our voices would tangle you'd raise your voice making me feel so little but it somehow your screams always sounded so beautiful you'd always win we spent our lives talking our way around the problem and god, did we talk such a good game but we both knew you were better with words you were more talented than i ever was because when you spoke everyone could feel all that you exerted when you spoke your pain would suffocate me and i could never breathe i just sat back and took you all in later that night we'd lay in bed replaying the conversations we had analyzing for hours trying to fill in the places where we went wrong trying to rewrite it all with black ink i told you to never write a poem or song about me i didn't want to be like all the others that came before me but you said that simply saying, "i love you" never sounded accurate you'd say, "darling, i have to write it all down, i have to get it right" and you'd stay up all night making yourself sick worrying that if i were to leave the next person wouldn't care about getting it right but we both knew that i wouldn't be the one walking out that door

i knew it was all over when you began to talk to me with words when you had once only talked to me with meaning i tried to fix it all, i swear i tried i wrote you all the time when we would argue the neighbors would call the cops you beautiful tornado crushing everything in sight demolishing the home we had built you'd scream, "darling, i don't feel a thing!" in our last conversations i could feel you detaching from me you began to go to this place where i can’t even reach you

i used to walk in my sleep i slept in my walk i would walk backwards until i saw you for the first time and i could barely muster the courage to introduce myself all over again i never have the right words we once lived in egypt i was the pharaoh’s slave you were his son and loving you led to my death i was resurrected as a mason, i made the foundation for your house we met eyes for two seconds and i didn’t see you again until i died i came back as a caterpillar, i turned into a butterfly i landed in the palm of your hand you brushed me away the rejection killed me when i woke up i was a kick drum, you were a snare when our owner died, so did we in my next life i couldn't find you i left notes in library books hoping that you would stumble across them i whispered your name in the wind hoping somehow maybe some way my voice would reach you but it didn’t and i died i died early i died young with bread crumbs in my hand

they buried me with coins over my eyes and i used them as bus fare to get back to earth just so i could look for you that’s why sometimes when we hold hands i tend to hold on a little too tight