You Ask Me What it Feels Like

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​1

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like Chelsea​ ​Dautenhahn

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​2

dedicated​ ​to: cjf​ ​&​ ​meb

"Once,​ ​I​ ​saw​ ​a​ b ​ ee​ ​drown​ i ​ n​ ​honey,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​understood."

—​ N ​ IKOS​ ​KAZANTZAKIS,​ R ​ eport​ ​to​ G ​ reco

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​3

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​4

do​ ​you​ ​believe​ ​in​ ​parallel​ ​universes? the​ ​last​ ​time​ ​we​ ​crossed​ ​paths was​ ​during​ ​the​ ​second​ ​world​ ​war in​ ​the​ ​rubble​ ​of​ ​a​ ​bombed​ ​out​ ​city white​ ​with​ ​either​ ​ash​ ​or​ ​snow you​ ​caught​ becoming​ ​a​ you​ ​slid​ ​a​ i​ ​just​ ​let​ i​ i​ i​ i​

​me​ ​redhanded ​reflection​ ​of​ ​everything​ ​i​ ​hate ​silver​ ​knife​ ​between​ ​my​ ​ribs ​you​ ​right​ ​in

​remember​ ​the​ ​scent​ ​of​ ​your​ ​wool​ ​uniform ​remember​ ​embracing​ ​you​ ​for​ ​the​ ​last​ ​time​ ​even​ ​though ​knew​ ​you​ ​were​ ​going​ ​to​ ​end​ ​me ​loved​ ​you​ ​i​ ​loved​ ​you​ ​i​ ​loved​ ​you

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​5

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​6

21-11​ ​Slow​ ​Loris​ ​Dr,​ ​Apt,​ ​2B you​ a ​ re​ l ​ ike​ ​an​ ​old​ ​house you​ m ​ ay​ h ​ ave​ ​a​ ​cracked​ ​slab but​ y ​ ou​ a ​ re​ ​still​ ​worth​ ​loving the​ ​screens​ ​have​ ​fallen​ ​off​ ​the​ ​windows they​ ​were​ ​small​ ​but​ ​proud it's​ ​a​ ​permanent​ ​fixture but​ ​i​ ​still​ ​sweep​ ​the​ ​floors you​ ​have​ ​told​ ​me​ ​about​ ​the​ ​girl​ ​who​ ​once​ l ​ ived​ ​here i'm​ ​sure​ ​she'd​ ​want​ ​to​ ​see​ ​it​ ​torn​ ​down i​ ​don't​ ​know​ ​her,​ ​but​ ​i​ ​know​ ​the​ ​pain​ ​of​ l ​ oving​ ​you so​ ​i’m​ ​sure​ ​she​ ​still​ ​calls​ ​it​ ​home people​ ​visit​ ​but​ ​never​ ​stay​ ​these​ ​days you​ a ​ re​ ​equal​ ​parts​ ​mess​ ​and​ ​backbone but​ y ​ ou​ ​are​ ​still​ ​worth​ ​loving and​ i ​ ​ ​have​ ​loved​ ​you​ ​through​ ​it​ ​all

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​7

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​8

XI​ ​tattoo you’re​ ​so​ ​beautiful 6’3,​ ​half​ ​black,​ ​half​ ​japanese LA​ ​native,​ ​raised​ ​in​ ​the​ ​valley at​ ​age​ ​19​ ​was​ ​shipped​ ​out​ ​overseas spent​ ​four​ ​years​ ​in​ ​the​ ​navy,​ ​you’d​ s ​ ay, “yeah,​ ​it​ ​was​ ​a​ ​good​ ​experience​ ​but​ n ​ ah,​ ​it​ ​wasn’t​ ​for​ ​me” i​ ​used​ ​to​ ​read​ ​to​ ​you​ ​when​ ​it​ ​was​ ​too​ ​hot​ ​to​ ​fuck​ ​any​ ​longer most​ ​of​ ​the​ ​time​ ​i​ ​couldn’t​ ​stand​ ​the​ ​heat​ ​of​ ​you you’d​ ​smoke​ ​your​ ​marlboro​ ​reds,​ ​classic and​ ​your​ ​ashes​ ​made​ ​a​ ​home​ ​in​ ​my​ ​head sometimes​ ​you’d​ ​just​ ​be​ ​moving​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of​ ​me i​ ​watched​ ​you​ ​like​ ​a​ ​movie the​ ​kind​ ​you​ ​can​ ​feel​ ​but​ ​not​ ​read i​ ​hated​ ​your​ ​heather​ ​gray​ ​questions you​ ​still​ ​call​ ​over​ ​a​ ​year​ ​later some​ ​nights​ ​i​ ​still​ ​wish​ ​it​ ​was​ ​you

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​9

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​10

trapped i​ ​find​ ​it​ ​quite​ ​difficult​ ​to​ ​know​ ​everything​ ​about​ ​myself my​ ​mind​ ​is​ ​constantly​ ​hiding​ ​things filling​ ​in​ ​reasoning​ ​compartments with​ ​irrational​ ​fears while​ ​keeping​ ​sensibility hand​ ​cuffed​ ​and​ ​locked​ ​away my​ ​throat​ ​is​ ​giving​ ​shelter​ ​to​ ​words​ ​i​ ​will​ ​never​ ​speak those​ ​words​ ​embed​ ​themselves into​ ​my​ ​every​ ​movement until​ ​every​ ​contour​ ​of​ ​my​ ​muscles become​ ​a​ ​cry​ ​for​ ​help

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​11

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​12

“i’m​ ​so​ ​sorry” your​ ​touch​ ​is​ ​still​ ​stinging​ ​me​ e ​ verywhere for​ ​me​ ​it​ ​happens​ ​once​ ​and​ ​i​ ​am​ r ​ eminded​ ​forever lips​ ​tracing​ ​collarbones,​ ​spine everything​ ​already​ ​so​ ​familiar this​ ​wasn’t​ ​our​ ​first​ ​encounter i​ ​remembered​ ​the​ ​taste as​ l ​ ong​ a ​ s​ i ​ t​ l ​ asts as​ l ​ ong​ a ​ s​ i ​ t​ l ​ asts as​ l ​ ong​ a ​ s​ i ​ t​ l ​ asts we​ ​lay​ ​in​ ​bed,​ ​your​ ​hand​ ​between​ ​my​ ​thighs i​ ​almost​ ​tell​ ​you​ ​that​ ​i​ ​love​ ​you i​ ​thought​ ​maybe​ ​it​ ​would​ ​make​ ​you​ ​want​ ​to​ ​stay instead​ ​i​ ​hold​ ​my​ ​breath,​ ​count​ ​to​ ​ten​ ​and​ ​use​ ​my​ f ​ ingertips to​ ​gently​ ​trace​ ​three​ ​words​ ​between​ ​your​ ​shoulder​ b ​ lades don’t​ ​you​ ​know​ ​this​ ​is​ ​only​ ​temporary?

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​13

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​14

i​ ​chose​ ​the​ ​wrong​ ​boy you​ ​did​ ​not​ ​speak but​ ​i​ ​was​ ​listening i​ ​promised​ ​that​ ​i​ ​would​ ​not​ ​cry and​ ​then​ ​unraveled​ ​so​ ​easily i​ ​memorized​ ​the​ ​shade​ ​under​ ​your​ ​eyes bruised​ ​legs​ ​and​ ​a​ ​t-shirt that's​ ​all​ ​we​ ​have​ ​to​ ​show​ ​for​ ​it the​ ​half​ ​you​ ​gave​ ​me​ ​was​ ​always​ ​whole​ ​enough yet​ ​you​ ​still​ ​touch​ ​me​ ​when​ ​you​ ​know​ ​i’m​ ​hurting fists​ ​go​ ​cascading​ ​throughout​ ​the​ ​room you​ ​beautiful​ ​tornado you​ ​beautiful​ ​tragedy scream​ ​until​ ​you​ ​cough​ ​up​ ​blood tomorrow​ ​you'll​ ​be​ ​telling​ ​me that​ ​it's​ ​sweet​ ​of​ ​me​ ​to​ ​check​ ​on​ ​you but​ ​the​ ​truth​ ​is​ ​i​ ​never​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​call i​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​breathe​ ​in​ ​my​ ​own​ ​air not​ ​be​ ​choking​ ​in​ ​yours did​ ​you​ ​always​ ​intend​ ​to​ ​leave​ ​me​ ​here? i​ ​always​ ​knew​ ​that​ ​you​ ​were one​ ​wrong​ ​turn​ ​short​ ​of​ ​tragedy “i’m​ ​a​ ​mess”​ ​i​ ​love​ ​your​ ​mess i​ ​rode​ ​your​ ​days​ ​out​ ​like​ ​a​ ​ship​ ​in​ ​a​ ​storm burn​ ​all​ ​your​ ​anger​ ​inside​ ​me i​ ​will​ ​gladly​ ​glow

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​15

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​16

the​ ​east​ ​coast​ ​is​ ​too​ ​cold i​ ​know​ ​for​ ​us​ ​things​ ​have​ ​always​ ​been​ ​complex and​ ​life​ ​has​ ​done​ ​nothing​ ​but​ ​complicate​ ​itself​ ​since​ ​we​ ​met you​ ​were​ ​the​ ​only​ ​reason​ ​i​ ​had​ ​to​ ​leave and​ ​i​ ​know​ ​california​ ​will​ ​not​ ​save​ ​me but​ ​it's​ ​all​ ​i​ ​have you​ ​were​ ​what​ ​made​ ​the​ ​days​ ​warm​ ​and​ ​the​ ​nights​ ​cold you​ ​were​ ​my​ ​comfort,​ ​i​ ​could​ ​feel​ ​you​ ​from​ ​miles​ ​away no​ ​one​ ​can​ ​do​ ​it​ ​for​ ​me​ ​the​ ​way​ ​you​ ​do you​ ​are​ ​for​ ​me​ ​and​ ​i​ ​am​ ​for​ ​you i​ ​would’ve​ ​dropped​ ​everything​ ​for​ ​you if​ ​you​ ​had​ ​only​ ​asked​ ​but​ ​you​ ​never​ ​did i​ ​will​ ​never​ ​understand​ ​why you​ ​would​ ​treat​ ​the​ ​girl​ ​who​ ​loves​ ​you​ ​in​ ​such​ ​a​ ​way so​ ​your​ ​branches​ ​began​ ​stretching​ ​away​ ​from​ ​me i​ ​can​ ​no​ ​longer​ ​reach​ ​you​ ​anymore go​ ​on,​ ​reach​ ​for​ ​the​ ​sky i​ ​will​ ​stay​ ​on​ ​the​ ​ground​ ​for​ ​a​ w ​ hile one​ ​day​ ​i​ ​can​ ​reach​ ​the​ ​heavens​ t ​ oo even​ ​if​ ​it​ ​means​ ​forgetting​ ​you

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​17

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​18

i​ ​know​ ​you​ ​lie​ ​but​ ​i​ ​still​ ​trust​ ​you you​ ​told​ ​me​ ​that​ ​you​ ​loved​ ​me​ ​once​ ​when​ ​you​ ​were​ ​drunk do​ ​you​ ​remember? it​ ​was​ ​after​ ​that​ ​party​ ​over​ ​on​ ​the​ ​east​ ​side that​ ​one​ ​in​ ​the​ ​vacant​ ​house​ ​with​ ​the​ ​tall​ ​chain​ ​link​ ​fence that one that had a fee but i knew the host so we got in for free that​ ​one​ ​that​ ​i​ ​told​ ​you​ ​to​ ​go​ ​dance​ ​with​ ​that​ ​girl that​ ​one​ ​where​ ​you​ ​kissed​ ​her​ ​instead that​ ​one​ ​where​ ​you​ ​were​ ​mad​ ​because​ ​i​ ​wasn’t does​ ​it​ ​sound​ ​familiar? i​ ​drove​ ​you​ ​back​ ​home​ ​and you sat in my passenger’s seat with your arm draped over my leg, “you’re​ ​so​ ​soft” you​ ​said​ ​this​ ​often​ ​but​ ​this​ ​time​ ​it​ ​sounded​ ​different you​ ​kissed​ ​me​ ​slow,​ ​this​ ​time​ ​it​ ​tasted​ ​different you​ ​told​ ​me​ ​you​ ​loved​ ​me​ ​as​ ​you​ ​got​ ​out​ ​of​ ​my​ ​car “what​ ​did​ ​you​ ​say?” “nothing.​ ​i​ ​said,​ ​‘drive​ ​safe’”

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​19

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​20

irl​ ​angel i​ ​have​ ​never​ ​met​ ​one who​ ​hypnotizes​ ​like​ ​you pisces​ ​angel will​ ​you​ ​stand​ ​still​ ​and​ ​cradle​ ​my​ ​head​ ​in​ ​your​ ​chest warm​ ​washed​ ​out​ ​yellow burnt​ ​spring​ ​love​ ​dream 99​ ​miles​ ​between​ ​us i​ ​was​ ​prepared​ ​to​ ​drown​ ​in​ ​them sink​ ​to​ ​the​ ​bottom​ ​of​ ​it become​ ​helplessly​ ​lost​ ​in​ ​you will​ ​i​ ​ever​ ​find​ ​another​ ​angel​ ​with​ ​gentler​ ​wings and​ ​softer​ ​hands? on​ ​your​ ​19th​ ​birthday,​ ​i​ ​wrapped​ ​myself​ ​around​ ​you you​ ​taste​ ​different​ ​than​ ​you​ ​look so​ ​sweet why​ ​can’t​ ​it​ ​be​ ​this​ ​good​ ​forever?

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​21

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​22

you​ ​don’t​ ​drive​ ​a​ ​volvo​ ​anymore we​ ​were​ ​finally​ ​together,​ ​sitting​ ​in​ ​your​ ​car with​ ​nothing​ ​left​ ​to​ ​say two​ ​years​ ​made​ ​its​ ​home​ ​between​ ​us you​ ​knew​ ​that​ ​any​ ​composition​ ​of​ ​letters would​ ​never​ ​be​ ​sufficient​ ​enough to​ ​fill​ ​the​ ​lost​ ​time​ ​that​ ​lingered that​ ​separated​ ​us even​ ​your​ ​hand​ ​on​ ​my​ ​knee​ ​felt​ ​trite,​ ​inaccurate we​ ​sat​ ​defeated​ ​and​ ​surrendered​ ​to​ ​the​ ​sound​ ​of the​ ​friction​ ​of​ ​your​ ​jeans​ ​as​ ​you​ ​bounced​ ​your​ ​leg of​ ​your​ ​dense​ ​sighs of​ ​the​ ​shallow,​ ​rapid​ ​breaths​ ​that​ ​followed

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​23

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​24

i​ ​was​ ​supposed​ ​to​ ​let​ ​you​ ​love​ ​me i​ ​am​ ​five​ ​foot​ ​six i​ ​am​ ​all​ ​hipbone​ ​and​ ​ribcage i​ ​only​ ​exist​ ​in​ ​numbers waiting​ ​rooms​ ​are​ ​familiar they​ ​make​ ​me​ ​face​ ​away​ ​from​ ​the​ ​scale the​ ​doctor​ ​still​ ​asks​ ​if​ ​i​ ​am​ ​eating​ ​well and​ ​you​ ​understand​ ​that​ ​there​ ​will​ ​be​ ​days​ ​like​ ​this all​ ​of​ ​me​ ​hollowed​ ​out​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of​ ​you i​ ​fill​ ​up​ ​on​ ​wine​ ​and​ ​i​ ​flourish you​ ​were​ ​so​ ​scared​ ​of​ ​losing​ ​me goddamn,​ ​sometimes​ ​the​ ​sky​ ​got​ ​so​ ​heavy when​ ​you​ ​were​ ​underneath​ ​it you​ ​don’t​ ​want​ ​it​ ​to​ ​end you​ ​don’t​ ​want​ ​to​ ​hurt​ ​either but​ ​i​ ​was​ ​fading​ ​fast and​ ​you​ ​could​ ​no​ ​longer​ ​reach​ ​me a​ ​pretty​ ​boy​ ​is​ ​not​ ​a​ ​full​ ​meal

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​25

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​26

we​ ​loved​ ​in​ ​every​ ​lifetime all​ ​my​ ​bones​ ​seem​ ​to​ ​whisper​ ​your​ ​name i​ ​want​ ​your​ ​thoughts​ ​written​ ​on​ ​my​ ​lips and​ ​your​ ​secrets​ ​soaked​ ​in​ ​my​ ​skin eventually,​ ​the​ ​flowers​ ​will​ ​grow​ ​out​ ​of​ ​your​ ​chest only​ ​then​ ​will​ ​rivers​ ​flow​ ​into​ ​your​ ​veins your​ s ​ mile​ ​clogged​ m ​ y​ ​heart​ ​and sank​ m ​ e​ ​deep​ ​below​ t ​ he​ ​san​ ​francisco​ ​bay you​ ​remove​ ​the​ ​“maybe”s​ ​from​ m ​ y​ ​lungs your​ ​words​ ​filled​ ​my​ ​lungs and​ ​i’m​ ​beginning​ ​to​ ​breathe​ a ​ gain

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​27

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​28

five​ ​stages​ ​of​ ​grief one​ ​day​ ​the​ ​seasons​ ​will​ ​split​ ​you​ ​raw your​ ​world​ ​will​ ​spill​ ​out​ ​from​ ​underneath​ ​you so​ ​forceful​ ​that​ ​you​ ​won’t​ ​even​ ​try​ ​to​ ​stable​ ​yourself one​ ​big​ ​wave,​ ​tsunami - loss you​ ​will​ ​call,​ ​write,​ ​whisper​ ​into​ ​the​ ​soil in​ ​hopes​ ​of​ ​it​ ​reaching​ ​them blame​ ​the​ ​tides,​ ​the​ ​moon,​ ​your​ ​sign,​ ​sick​ ​oak​ ​trees the​ ​pages​ ​will​ ​turn​ ​back - denial there​ ​will​ ​be​ ​flames,​ ​white-hot and​ ​some​ ​days​ ​you​ ​will​ ​not​ ​know​ ​who​ ​you​ ​are when​ ​you​ ​are​ ​not​ ​burning keep​ ​the​ ​rage​ ​tender - anger blow​ ​the​ ​dust​ ​off​ ​your​ ​bible call​ ​on​ ​god​ ​for​ ​the​ ​first​ ​time​ ​in​ ​years make​ ​empty​ ​promises​ ​in​ ​exchange​ ​to​ ​end​ ​the​ p ​ ain you​ ​will​ ​be​ ​a​ ​better​ ​person​ ​this​ ​year,​ ​you​ s ​ wear you​ ​will​ ​pray​ ​everyday,​ ​you​ ​swear​ ​to​ ​god just​ ​bring​ ​them​ ​back - bargaining no​ ​longer​ ​here​ ​but​ ​you​ ​have​ ​not​ ​left too​ ​heavy​ ​with​ ​decay​ ​to​ ​move when​ ​you​ ​finally​ ​get​ ​up​ ​it​ ​is​ ​not​ ​a​ ​funeral​ ​procession but​ ​it​ ​feels​ ​like​ ​one - depression leave​ ​behind​ ​all​ ​the​ ​deaths​ ​you​ ​have​ ​died do​ ​not​ ​dig​ ​up​ ​the​ ​dead they​ ​were​ ​not​ ​the​ ​sun,​ ​you​ ​do​ ​not​ ​need​ ​them​ ​to​ ​survive remember​ ​the​ ​season​ ​will​ ​come​ ​again,​ ​prepare - acceptance

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​29

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​30

the​ ​last​ ​thing​ ​i​ ​will​ ​write​ ​while​ ​still​ ​in​ ​love​ ​with​ ​you today​ ​i​ w ​ ill​ ​forgive​ m ​ yself because​ y ​ ou​ ​said​ ​you​ d ​ on’t​ ​think​ ​you​ ​ever​ ​could i​ ​will​ ​stop​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​piece​ ​together​ ​all​ ​that​ ​has​ ​been​ ​shattered all​ ​i’m​ ​ever​ ​left​ ​with​ ​is​ ​bloody​ ​hands​ ​and​ ​still​ ​no​ ​answers we​ ​once​ ​fit​ ​together​ ​so​ s ​ eamlessly you​ ​couldn’t​ ​tell​ ​where​ i ​ t​ ​all​ ​began your​ ​skin​ ​stretched​ ​over​ ​my​ ​bones my​ ​words​ ​in​ ​your​ ​mouth your​ f ​ ragments​ ​are​ d ​ ifferent​ ​now they​ k ​ eep​ ​shifting​ t ​ o​ ​fit​ ​within​ ​hers the​ f ​ it​ i ​ s​ ​never​ q ​ uite​ ​right but​ y ​ ou​ s ​ ay​ ​that​ i ​ t's​ ​close​ ​enough i​ ​hope​ ​having​ ​your​ ​edges​ w ​ hittled​ ​down in​ ​attempt​ ​to​ ​conform​ ​to​ h ​ ers​ ​has​ ​been​ ​worth​ ​it (because​ ​i​ ​can​ ​no​ ​longer​ r ​ ecognize​ ​you)

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​31

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​32

nectar i​​ ​know​ ​a​ ​boy​ ​like​ ​honey reflecting​ ​waves​ ​of​ ​amber​ ​all​ ​across​ ​my​ ​skin how​ ​did​ ​you​ ​manage​ ​to​ ​fit​ ​all​ ​that​ ​sweet into​ ​that​ ​small​ ​body​ ​without​ ​leaking​ ​out sweet​ ​as​ ​dewy​ ​eyelashes​ ​after​ ​prayer can​ ​you​ ​imagine​ ​if​ ​raindrops​ ​were​ ​made​ ​from​ ​rosewater? when​ ​i​ ​look​ ​at​ y ​ ou​ ​now​ ​i​ ​see​ ​a​ ​change​ ​in​ ​your​ ​face sweet​ ​boy​ ​made​ s ​ our honey​ ​hardens​ ​too and​ ​now​ ​i​ ​have​ ​scar​ ​tissue​ ​softer​ ​than​ ​you tell​ ​me​ t ​ hat​ y ​ ou’re​ ​trying​ t ​ o​ ​be​ ​gentle​ ​again tell​ ​me​ t ​ hat​ y ​ ou​ ​will​ ​soon​ m ​ elt​ ​back​ ​into​ ​that​ ​golden​ ​sticky sweet

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​33

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​34

aeroplane​ ​thoughts i​ ​am​ ​currently​ ​viewing​ ​the​ ​world from​ ​a​ ​different​ ​perspective,​ ​cities​ ​are​ ​silent when​ ​i​ ​was​ ​younger i​ ​would​ ​gaze​ ​into​ ​the​ ​clouds​ ​(convinced​ ​it​ ​was​ ​heaven) and​ ​now​ ​that​ ​i’m​ ​here and​ ​if​ ​this​ ​is​ ​all​ ​there​ ​is then​ ​i’d​ ​have​ ​to​ ​say​ ​that​ ​heaven​ ​is​ ​quite​ ​lonely i​ ​thought​ ​our​ ​distance​ ​apart​ ​was​ v ​ ast until​ ​i​ ​realized​ ​that​ ​i’m​ ​closer​ t ​ o​ ​the​ ​sun than​ ​i​ ​am​ ​to​ ​you

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​35

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​36

i​ ​didn’t​ ​water​ ​your​ ​garden tending​ ​to​ ​plants​ ​is​ ​supposed​ ​to​ ​teach​ ​you how​ ​to​ ​show​ ​love,​ ​be​ ​patient​ ​and​ ​care​ ​for​ ​things be​ ​there​ ​to​ ​help​ ​them​ ​grow,​ ​survive and​ ​i’m​ ​sitting​ ​here​ ​staring​ ​at​ ​my​ ​dead​ ​garden asking​ ​myself​ ​why​ ​would​ ​i​ ​ever​ ​trust​ ​myself to​ ​hold​ ​your​ ​heart​ ​in​ ​my​ ​hands

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​37

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​38

did​ ​it​ ​bring​ ​you​ ​to​ ​tears? you​ ​smoke​ ​like​ ​it's​ ​the​ ​fucking​ ​essence​ ​of​ ​life i​ ​inhale you​ ​continue​ ​to​ ​talk​ ​about​ ​some​ ​existential​ ​bullshit i​ ​listen you​ ​sweat​ ​out​ ​the​ ​clement​ ​perfume​ ​of​ ​alcohol i​ ​touch i’d​ ​be​ ​lying​ ​if​ i ​ ​ s ​ aid​ ​i​ ​didn’t​ ​plan​ ​for​ ​it​ t ​ o​ ​turn​ ​out​ ​like this from​ ​the​ ​moment​ i ​ ​ s ​ aw​ ​you,​ ​i​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​have​ y ​ ou and​ ​that’s​ ​how​ ​it​ ​started​ ​off,​ ​so​ ​selfish i​ ​did​ ​it​ ​for​ ​myself but​ ​the​ ​last​ ​time​ ​i​ l ​ ost​ ​you​ ​it​ ​shifted now​ ​everything​ ​i​ ​do​ i ​ s​ ​for​ ​us every​ ​little​ ​thing

You​ ​Ask​ ​Me​ ​What​ ​it​ ​Feels​ ​Like,​ ​39