STERNPOST

Bringing clarity to varnish

Dave Selby reveals the trade secrets behind a perfect varnish finish

Don’t get me wrong, I love wooden boats, as do my brethren of the waterfront trades, because, as the owner of a 60ft by 20ft boat shed, I find that wooden boat owners are among my most regular and least troublesome customers. In fact they’re my only customers, as fibre-glass boat owners are always off sailing, which is downright disrespectful and of no use to anyone.

Apart from not going sailing wooden boat owners are exactly the same in their lack of respect for our honest endeavours, and affront us further by actually attempting to do work on their boats themselves, which, as we’ve explained countless times, is beyond their capabilities and will cost them more in the long run. Worse, Classic Boat actually encourages this delinquent behaviour.

A while ago alarming news got out on the waterfront that Classic Boat was publishing a “varnishing master class” (CB385). Naturally, in the spirit of co-operation that exemplifies the Maldon waterfront trades, we did our best to buy up every copy, which impoverished us even further, and left our children without shoes because we had to eat them…the shoes, that is. But that’s of little consequence because, as ever, our main concern was philanthropic, or as we put it, to save boat owners from themselves, so you can imagine our horror when we opened the mag and saw pages of in-depth libellous factually correct slander on how to do it! It was more than reckless because it omitted the only bit of advice the yotter needs on varnishing, namely: “For the perfect finish pay your trusted artisan to do it, to save yourself money, time and humiliation. End of.”

Now, as you know, wooden boat owners are generally reluctant to get their boats wet, on account of them being prone to sinking, which obscures the gloss finish they’ve laboured so hard to achieve. In spite of this, they just can’t help themselves varnishing. And in recent months there’s been a major outbreak of the very debilitating affliction known as Seasonally Affected Varnishing Disorder (SAVD) outside my boatshed which has space available at rates so criminally low I don’t how I do it. Like Harry Markle, our sole aim is “to build a better world, one act of compassion at a time.” You would think a 60ft boat shed is ideal for varnishing masts up to 59ft, but that’s not how SAVD works. The most common symptom is that even mild sufferers have a poor grasp of economics and think they’re better off varnishing outside my empty boatshed, which is insensitive and foolhardy because, as everyone knows, yacht varnish was originally developed as a fly paper coating and has over the years been constantly improved by top marine chemists to attract flying insects as big as hedgehogs. If you varnish over live insects that would be cruel. On the other hand, if you varnish over dead ones you’ll end up with a mast that looks like a health food bar. The third option, favoured by marine varnish suppliers and all good chandleries is to rub the varnish off with 12 types of marine-grade sand paper, buy more varnish and sand paper and repeatedly repeat the process. Once you’ve applied the recommended minimum 27 coats you will have achieved tennis elbow. Next, without wincing if possible, you should take a moment to stand back and admire your handiwork and notice how smooth the mast is, but a lot thinner. The benefit of this is that the mast’s reduced girth requires less varnish, but that’s a false economy, and if you persist you may end up with a flimsy runner-bean pole at best, or no mast at all. It’s normally round about the bean-pole stage that these wood worriers sidle up to enquire about shed space, baulk at the extremely reasonable rent and head off to buy more extremely expensive varnish and brush restorer. Then, as is the way of the punter, they have the affront to ask for varnishing tips, to which I effect an Essex burr and say: “I’s heard of some folk what swear by mixing yacht varnish with insect spray. Others reckon on Marmite.” Neither works, but it’s fun watching. Another thing that exercises wood worriers is UV damage, which doesn’t happen in boatsheds. Basically, if by some miracle they eventually get their masts varnished and leave them outside, and perhaps even fitted to a boat, it will only be a question of time before it will peal and flake to resemble acne. When pressed I reluctantly reveal my solution: “Round here there’s some what mix varnish with factor 50 sun-block, though others reckon on Marmite,” adding in conspiratorial tones: “But keep it to yerself, it ain’t strictly legal.” On one such occasion a posse of varnishers accosted me outside my empty shed and accused me of all manner of things. As they all had tennis elbow in both elbows I wasn’t particularly frightened, so I countered: “You did use Ambre Solaire, didn’t you? The Super Drug stuff ain’t up to it. There’s others as swear by Marmite.” At that one of them stepped forward with his

“As everyone varnish brush clamped in his teeth, on account of his knows, yacht arms not working, and growled: “You’re having a varnish was laugh, aren’t you?” developed from Next, they stormed off to buy 60ft marquees to erect over their prone masts. As I write some have flypaper.” nearly finished the footings. You’ve got to admire the lengths some people will go to to avoid sailing.

The new Wheeler 38 was recently launched at Brooklin Boat Yard in Brooklin, Maine. She is a dimenionally accurate copy of Hemingway’s beloved Pilar, built by Wheeler Shipyard in 1933. She has been reverse engineered from historic documents retained by the family. Come see Legend at the Newport International Boat Show or at her home in Harbour Town, Hilton Head Island, SC.