Sex & the Spires Battling the Blues

narcissist like me then love is always in the air… because I love myself more than anyone else.

So why not treat yourself to some ‘you’ time and experience some relief from the dullness of existing. No awkward chit-chat before, no fnger numbness from swiping right on Tinder and no walk of shame home because you can do it from home. In fact, contrary to some beliefs, there’s no shame at all in having a good time in your own company.

Anne Summers is doing a clearance sale for what I presume is all the returned items after the love spell broke for many this week and the ‘Private Shop’ on Cowley Road has just had a much needed ‘makeover’. Take the plunge and invest in something saucy for yourself. You obviously can’t be happy if you’re single, but you can be slightly less sad while the pain of Valentine’s and 5th week begins to subside. to be talking about embracing your singlehood?

I wasn’t going to sit at home sipping vino with my gal pals, kidding myself into thinking that Anne Summers is a replacement for romance, or sobbing over The Notebook. That’s how I spend the other 364 days of the year.

I had three options to choose from on Tuesday night. You see, writing a sex column really does pay off. But I never kiss and tell…

It’s Fifth Week. It is supposedly the saddest week of the term. It’s still winter, the deadlines are piling up, we’re tired and sad and we can’t seem to catch a break! It can feel like there is nothing to look forward to, and the sun is nowhere to be seen. Hilary Term has always felt like the hardest for me, because I have never been the biggest fan of the winter months, and the blues that accompany them.

For me, January and February have always felt very desolate. Everything seems still; everything is frozen in its sad blue-grey tones; nature dies. And this Hilary, it was like a part of me died too. My planner has been teeming with tasks: sort out lecture timetable, plan essay, write essay, reply to that email from that tutor, read this, and that, go to that seminar, meet this friend, sort this out, sort that out. It feels crowded. I am in a weird place in my life right now and it feels like everything is holding its breath. Although I’m constantly running around from place to place with a tote bag so full of books that it’s slowly bending my spine, it feels like I’m waiting. I am waiting for something to change. Amongst the cold greys and whites of winter there is a distinct emptiness. The winter months leave us trudging around doing the same old things, but it’s like we’re living in that awful wan blue flter that they used in the Twilight movies.

It feels really hard sometimes to just go about our days when we’re not coaxed through them by sunshine that dwindles only after 9pm, or bright colours that actively make us want to go outside. I’ve reached the point where my alarm goes off in the morning and I just stare at my wall in a state of complete exasperation because my bed is cosy and warm and I know that I will be shivering as I half-shuffe, half-jog to the bathroom. But I think there is also value to be found in these harsher winter months. January and February are full of opportunities for new beginnings. This is the time where we can sit in the frozen silence and work out what we want for ourselves, before the sunshine and the bright colours return. Winter is a time to refect and to grow. We can take a breath and really look at ourselves. I’ve been learning how to bring myself comfort, and how to be kind to my desperate little existence.

One of my friends sat me down recently and told me that I needed to be gentle with myself. It often feels like Oxford expects a lot from us. The pressure can be crushing some days, but it’s important to just take yourself out of this isolated social sphere every now and then. For example, I like watching trashy tv shows, or going on walks down the canal. It makes me feel like a person, after playing at being a soulless academic machine all day. Last Thursday I was feeling really overwhelmed and when I got back to my room I dramatically fung myself onto my bed, and then eventually convinced myself to go to the kitchen and make some pesto pasta (I’m currently in my chef era). When I got to the kitchen three of my friends were there eating at the table, and they stuck around and waited for me to cook and eat so we could spend some time together. I think there is something so beautiful about the simplicity of those moments. We exchanged stories about our day and ate in each other’s quiet company. We were all so exhausted but when I got back to my room it felt like I had been infated again. The simple act of speaking to friends helped to bring me out of my sulk and made me feel lighter. I have hope for better days of warmth and sunny colours. I know I will feel whole again one day. But for now, it’s important to be gentle with myself; watch trash tv, go on walks, and have dinner with my friends. These things are my sunlight in the middle of yet another Fifth Week.

Image credit: Linyue (Eva) Xu