Books in translations

Elena Buccisano explores the growing popularity of books in translation.

Books in translation have become a literary phenomenon in the last few decades; they have become their own sub-genre of literature as more and more publishing houses recognise the value of translating literature, for both cultural and commercial reasons. It is relatively agreed on that the translation of foreign texts is necessary to spread new information, knowledge, and ideas across the world. The vast majority of authors are now being translated into multiple languages, but the task is fraught with diffculties. Producing a successful translation of a text involves translating not just the words but translating a culture. Languages don’t necessarily map onto each other which raises the question; what constitutes a successful translation? As a student of modern languages, this is a question I spend a lot of my time worrying about —and it is a concern which is at the core of the translating profession.

The rise of books in translation is being noted by more and more publishing houses. New research commissioned from Nielsen Book by the Man Booker International Prize indicates that translated fction in the UK market grew by 5.5 percent [during what period?]. The report sees sales of translated fction for last year coming in at £20.7 million. These statistics are encouraging as it tells us that the commercial and cultural value of books in translation is being recognised. Although they still constitute a minority of books published each year, the increase in translations indicates an increased appreciation for foreign literature in the British public. Commercially, publishing houses are increasingly realising that there are worlds of foreign literature yet untapped in the British and European markets, and by commissioning translations, they are able to open up entire continents of literature to their readership. Evidently, this has fnancial benefts for them, but it also has signifcant cultural benefts for the British literary scene more widely. Indeed, right now translation is more important than ever — for suddenly, foreign literature seems fnally to be fnding its place in Britain, an island where it has previously struggled to attract substantial numbers of readers. The reasons for this are multiple. Firstly, globalisation is encouraging the British reading public to explore new cultures through the medium of literature. Secondly, Covid-19 has not only encouraged reading as a pastime, but has led the reading public to search for new and foreign ideas which can be found in untranslated literature. Ann Goldstein, the acclaimed translator of Italian novelist Elena Ferrante, notes in her prefaces the importance of books in translation to writers around the world, promising them a signifcant increase in readership.

Goldstein is best known as the translator of the Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan quartet of novels, which have sold more than a million copies and become somewhat of phenomenon in the genre of foreign literature translation. It is arguably thanks to Goldstein that Ferrante’s books have become so popular in anglophone countries. She herself has shed light on the diffculties of translating literature, of which there are many. The most fundamental challenge is arguably, the cultural challenge. Translating foreign literature is as much about translating connotation as it is about translating language. This is why it is crucial for the translators to be as well versed in the culture as in the language of the text they are confronted with. This cultural challenge can manifest itself in the translation of even singular words. This is because the author of a text carefully chooses the words they use for a particular reason — even singular words are flled with nuance and association which can change the meaning of entire sentences. This challenge is rendered even more diffcult for a translator when there are no direct translations or when several options are available and each one has a slightly different nuance. Other signifcant challenges include the rendering of culturally-specifc expressions, idioms and slang into another language and into a translation which the reader completely understands. These aspects all play into the wider challenge of translating cultural and linguistic contexts — which translators strive to do to the best of their ability. Translators, therefore, are constantly improving their linguistic and cultural knowledge in order to produce more successful translations. The question, what makes a successful translation, is a complex one. But can be reduced to two fundamental aspects; fdelity to the language and fdelity to the context of the foreign text. Fidelity to the language largely means fdelity to the content of the text, style and register. Indeed, a literary translator must be able to command tone, style and inventiveness in order to convey meaning. But, an excellent translation not only communicates content, but also the way in which it is expressed — it takes into account the whole cultural background of a text.

In all, the importance of literary translation is immeasurable. Restricting the public readership to only works produced in their spoken language inevitably limits their horizons and their access to new ideas and varied knowledge. Books in translation enable people to understand the wider world more fully. Students are able to understand philosophy, politics and history through the translated works of Sophocles and Homer, writers who are mostly unintelligible to the public unless through a work in translation. In this way, books in translation facilitate the access to knowledge; I could not do my own degree without books in translation. In the contemporary world, readers are able to enjoy new insights into the different ways of life through recent translations and more people are able to enjoy the creative, fertile and highly imaginative minds of modern foreign authors. Perhaps most importantly, translation is necessary to facilitate cultural familiarity; it is crucial in creating effective and empathetic communication between different cultures. Indeed, translated literature is an essential tool to teaching the new generations about authors, cultures and ideas beyond just that of their own home country. It has been argued by many that our literature curriculums are too Eurocentric, and Anglo-centric — by including more books in translating within school curriculums, students would not only be inspired to reach beyond literature in their spoken language but to learn from the literary techniques, language and concepts of other cultures.

I used to be a sceptic of books in translation; I used to question how the nuance of a text in its original language can be translated accurately into a completely different one. But this is the complex challenge faced by literary translators. Although, it is arguable that something is always lost when books are translated into different languages, the importance of carrying out this task and refning the art of translation is becoming increasingly more important – the richness that books in translation are adding to the literary scene is invaluable.

Image Credit: Wolf Gang via Flickr, (CC BY-SA 2.0). Cherwell recommends... Favourite Reads

Whilst the old adage goes that you can’t judge a book by its cover, our editorial team frmly believes that you can judge someone by their favourite book. For our fnal edition, therefore, we’re giving you

Through the Language Glass by Guy Deutscher

Anna Cowan, Books Editor

One of my favourite reads of all time is, perhaps surprisingly, Professor Guy Deutscher’s study of language and translation theory Through the Language Glass (2010). The subtitle of the book perhaps explains best what it’s about, reading ‘why the world looks different in other languages’. Deutscher is an Israeli linguist, holding a fellowship at the University of Manchester and a professorship at the University of Leiden, but despite his towering academic credentials Through the Language Glass is accessible and incredibly engaging. The text leads the reader through linguistic theory, psychological experiments and close textual analysis to discuss some of the greatest questions in language: is there such a thing as linguistic equivalence between languages? Do different languages shape your perception of the world? What is ‘meaning’? I read Deutscher’s work shortly after George Steiner’s seminal After Babel, which I also considered for my recommendation this week, however Deutscher’s more recent scholarship and deeply enjoyable academic mocking of Steiner’s arguments boosts his work to my number one, not just for his fascinating subject matter, but also for his witty and approachable explanation of complex topics. become a kind of cult-classic. Set in Barcelona in 1980, the story follows teenager Oscar and the enigmatic Marina, who he meets and falls for in a dilapidated old house lost in the centre of the city’s Gothic Quarter. The two attend a macabre ritual that only takes place every fourth Sunday of the month. They begin trailing the woman at the centre of the ritual, which takes them to some of the most haunting and sinister parts of Barcelona. mysterious and aloof Hopper. It is common in who-dunnit style novels, plot-driven by nature, to spend little time on character development, but Pessl works hard to create a developed and likeable trio of protagonists. Following them as they gradually get closer to Cordova and his secrets is an unforgettable - and incredibly entertaining - journey.

Review: ‘God of Carnage’ by Yasmina Reza // Blue Moon Theatre

Lucie de Gentile reviews Blue Moon Theatre’s ‘God of Carnage’.

To know ourselves, we must know what we will fight for. All four characters in God of Carnage fight against each other – and very rarely reflect upon their own failings. This is a play about how conflict with the outside world clarifies and sharpens our own character through our opposition to others’ points of views.

Conflict in God of Carnage is created through two groups of parents’ apparent desire to resolve their children’s fall out. Alain and Annette’s child has hit Véronique and Michelle’s son, breaking two of his teeth. However, despite their initial airs of maturity, the adults soon lose any sense of moderation, and indeed turn themselves into quarrelling children. This play is therefore an intimate descent into savagery.

All the actors impressively depicted both polite respectability, and rage – not a mean feat. Michelle (Poddy Wilson) was particularly compelling to watch, showing an authentic range of emotions whilst remaining a grounded character. She was a fire that kept burning brighter and brighter. Her partner, Véronique (Imogen Front), provided the play’s main energy source, keeping it buoyant. However, there was a lack of palpable tension between her and Michelle – although if the intended effect was to intensify Véronique’s isolation and being stuck in her own space, then this was successfully conveyed. Alain and Annette (Michael Yates & Bella Stock) were a more unified couple, in the way they dressed, moved, and spoke. There was a real sense of unity in how they wished to be seen, and this level of subtle chemistry was noted. They both also had great enunciation which really brought the wit of the script to life. I did however find the transformation of Annette from rather meek, to a prowling aggressor to have been not completely convincing – it would have been satisfying to see Alain lose his temper more. Indeed, it was only Alain who did not become completely neurotic or depressed and, ironically, that was a shame.

The Frenchness of the play was very much emphasised – and understandably, because this is the work of the famous French playwright Yasmina Reza. Firstly, the actors’ efforts at French pronunciation should be applauded. However, I must say that the very accurate translation of French expressions, which tend to be very dramatic, did not quite come off as natural in English. ‘Being desperate’ in French is a much more common expression than when an English person says it – therefore, an already dramatic play was probably over-intensified through its translation. The choice of music – ‘Tout plane pour moi’ at the start of the play – was very good, creating a sense of electricity and movement in the air. On the other hand, I did find the choice of ‘Aux Champs-Elysée’ to finish the play to be rather confusing. I do feel that this sensitivity is completely due to the fact that I am French – and that if one is not looking for accuracy, it is a completely charming depiction.

Director Alison Hall has successfully brought to life a play with primal, animalistic emotion, witty dialogue, and charismatic actors. This was a play showcasing people’s true disgust of each other, some witty insults, and a general

Review: ‘Murder in Argos’ // Votive Theatre

sense of civilised chaos, and I would recommend it whole-heartedly.

Kaya Gadhia reviews Votive Theatre’s ‘Murder in Argos’.

Murder in Argos was staged for the first time by the Votive Theatre Company in the Keble O’Reilly Theatre this fifth week, and was the perfect cure to any form of fifth week blues that I had been feeling. It was not simply the joy of being back in the theatre for the first time since the start of the pandemic, but also the joy of watching student actors who were so passionate about the play and seeing they much they too missed this. As someone who doesn’t study English, and has a self-proclaimed lack of aptitude for understanding classical literature, the thought of watching a Greek tragedy and then having to review it made me apprehensive. I feared that I would not fully understand it or miss some sort of deep profound message.

However, the play was set in a modern World War context, making it feel more accessible. Although the modern costume and setting felt slightly stilted at times when juxtaposed with the classical dialogue, it demonstrated the timelessness of the issues discussed in the play and was a unique interpretation. As Murder in Argos was an amalgamation of the plot of The Osteria originally written by Mary Nicholson, the company were successfully able to convey the key aspects of the original work, and all its key messages. The play functions as a commentary on justice and revenge, both starting and ending with a trial – the object of which becomes clear to the audience as the play progresses. The contemporary context also demonstrates the immutable problems of human nature. By starting and concluding with the same trial that ultimately reaches no real conclusion, it demonstrates that justice and conflicts of justice are universal, and that some are always likely to walk away free.

Despite being a classical commentary on war, power and justice, the play has a strong feminist undertone. From being written by a woman in the post-war period, to having a queen as the main character and displaying open acts of violence in the public sphere against men was refreshing. It was also interesting to see how well translated traditional male roles such as the ‘man with no name’ and Deino the Shopkeeper were onto female actors. This highlighted the timelessness of the piece, and the relevance of its commentary in the present day.

Certain members of this eclectic, talented cast shone through. The arrival of Queen Clytemnestra (Rosa Calcraft) dazzled the audience – her strong and regal presence commanded the stage whenever she was present. This was also complimented by the costume choice of a bright red suit which drew the audience towards her, and when offset with her blood at the end of the play provoked a debate about female power, violence, and revenge.

The chemistry and power dynamic between Clytemnestra and her husband Agamemnon (Michael Freeman) also shone through, characterising many of the stronger scenes in the play. Marianne Jones as Cassandra was another stellar addition to the cast, as her powerful monologue about death and the consequences of war had the eyes of the audience glued to her. Murder in Argos was a triumphant start to the year for Votive Theatre and co-directors Jahnavi Bhatia and Helena Aeberli, and I very much look forward to seeing what they do next.

Image Credit: Kunal Patel

Hot off the Runway: Fashion Soc Returns to Oxford

Dorothy Scarborough in conversation with the Society’s President, Caitlin Campbell

When Caitlin Campbell entered Oxford in Michaelmas of 2020, she was surprised to learn that fashion society had been out of commission since 2018, but looked forward to re-starting it after lockdown. This term, the second year archaeology and ancient history student at Somerville College has fnally been able to bring back a group of like-minded students, all interested in fashion, on a range of levels together for chats, workshops, and lectures. Already this term, the group has had a number of meetings and looks forward to a group-watch of Ridley Scott’s House of Gucci on Friday November 26th at 20:00 at the Odeon St. George Street. Cherwell had the opportunity to speak with Caitlin last week and learn about her motivations in re-starting the group and hopes for its future.

Cherwell: Tell me about the club? CC: We have quite a diverse group of members so far, and I really want to keep it that way, people studying different subjects at different colleges. One of us [the committee members] basically sews all her own clothes, so she’s giving a workshop in that, and I’m really interested in sustainability and fnding speakers, so I’m working on that. I’m interested in getting people in who are part of the fashion industry - and even outside of the industry, for example, there’s a woman who’s very stylish, but not in fashion, in the environmental industry, whom I would love to hear from -- to talk about the types of jobs they have. For people who are only peripherally interested, we want to show them the different forms a career or interest in fashion might take, be that making your own clothes, attending talks, shopping in moderation, etc. We want to try to get a range of views, for example Oxford grads who are part of the media, environmental activists who aren’t necessarily involved in fashion, but provide interesting perspectives, entrepreneurs in the fashion space.

C: What do you think is fashion’s perception at the university, and how might it have changed in the last few years? CC: I think fashion has a positive perception throughout the university. A lot of people are quite creative and quite individualistic, but of course not everyone shows that through fashion, but I think it’s a way for people to show who they are, showing a bit of fare or creativity. Where the perception is negative is in the environment as people are concerned that fashion isn’t really sustainable, though I do think that people are working towards interesting solutions for it.

C: Why might someone join fashion society, rather than, for example join the fashion journalism team at Cherwell, The Student or Industry? CC: I think there’s just a wider range of angles covered within fashion; if you’re not interested at all in fashion journalism, or just putting things out there yourself - if you’re just interested in listening or learning something new - please come along. I’ve had people come up to me and say that they’re interested but not sure if they’re fashionable enough - but I want to emphasize that everyone is welcome. We also want to encourage people with all fashion backgrounds to come along: you can come to every event or just one. The fashion society’s committee members

Building a Sustainable Wardrobe

Madi Hopper on superficial sustainability and the power of mending in fashion

Sustainability – or at least the surface-level semblance of it – is undoubtedly one of the hottest recent trends amongst the entire spectrum of fashion brands. With everyone from well-established designers like Vivienne Westwood to fast-fashion juggernauts like H&M releasing collections marketed as eco-friendly, the environmental crisis has never been so fashionable.

As good as it may seem at frst glance – sustainable collections must be better than nothing at all, right? – there is one slight issue. Encouraging genuinely sustainable shopping habits is totally, fundamentally incompatible with the business model of most of these brands. The way a large majority of these businesses are run is with the intention of increasing profts exponentially, year on year – which naturally means getting customers to increase their spending in the same way, by encouraging a mentality of ever-growing consumption. The trouble with even so-called sustainable collections is just that – they’re only collections, released in response to the trend of environmental awareness, and also often only being produced on top of all the regular lines – actively increasing the brand’s pollution and carbon emissions, as well as the over-saturation of the fashion market, all in the name of eco-friendliness. The true purpose of greenwashed collections is to encourage you to buy yet more clothes you probably don’t really need, only this time with the added incentive of ostensibly doing your bit for the environment – and you have to hand it to them, the moral high ground is one hell of a gimmick.

So, how can you make your wardrobe more sustainable, in a way that doesn’t play into the fast-fashion cycle? Second-hand shopping, which has also become very popular in the last few years, has been vaunted as the best option, which makes sense, as the clothes already exist, so you’re not actively engaging with the environmental havoc of production or giving the companies your money. Trouble is, if you’re buying a lot of clothes – vintage, resale, charity shop – more out of want than need, you’re still falling foul of the speed of consumption perpetuated by the fast fashion cycle. The best way of shopping sustainably? Not to shop at all. Now, this is obviously a bit of a pipe dream for most of us – after all, we live in a society where ‘shopping’ is something a lot of us do for fun – but one of the easiest ways to do it is by getting in touch with your inner rationing-era housewife.

The best way of all you can make your wardrobe more sustainable is by getting proper wear out of your clothes. And the best way to do that (and the point of this piece)? Mending. We all know by now that buying tops or trousers to wear once or twice and then chuck is a bit iffy, but what if it’s torn, or the sleeve has come off? This, too, is often a result of the demands of the fast-fashion industry, as in order to cut corners and keep prices down the quality of materials and construction becomes dodgier and dodgier – you get what you pay for, which is why it can be so tempting to simply bin and buy again. In order to break this toxic cycle, where clothes aren’t assumed either by the customer or the manufacturer to be made to last, it’s impossible to understate the importance of mending. Not only does it save you money – a needle and thread are (at least before the PLT Black Friday sales kick off) less expensive than a replacement – but it also allows you to push back against the mayfy lifespan of the average item of clothing. If, like me, you are accident-prone, perpetually broke or both, the ability to fx your clothes when they break is a total godsend – if the warm fuzzy glow of eco-conscience doesn’t foat your boat, the other major beneft is that mending really can wind up saving you a fair amount of money.

One of the easiest ways to get started is with your socks – perhaps the humblest item of clothing, and one a lot of people see as almost disposable by function – bought, worn into holes and replaced, and even with the heightened awareness of the impact of clothing waste, often seen as a guilt-free disposable. Subject to the most universal wear and tear – and also the only item which you expect to bin because it’s broken. Unlike, say, a jacket, socks aren’t generally on display to the world at large, meaning they aren’t liable to fall in and out of style as rapidly – if at all – as other, more visible items, and are also under enough stress from the friction of walking (and of being inside a shoe) that they’re the last remaining item of clothing which your average person is likely to wear until it can no longer serve its function. This lifespan, though, can very easily be extended, but the idea of darning your own socks likely seems just as dated, and probably about as appetizing – after all, there’s a reason we’re all still using paper tissues. The thing is, though, darning your socks is actually remarkably simple – and if you catch the hole while it’s small, very fast. In fact, for as far back as people wore woollen hose they were able to pull off a nosew mend by simply slipping a piece of carded wool into their shoes and allowing the moisture and friction generated by a day’s work to felt hose and patch together; if for some reason you happen to have both pure wool socks and access to carded wool this is doubtless worth a shot. And for the rest of your clothes? Well, the beauty of mending is it allows you to rethink your relationship to them – and small fxes, like closing rips, taking up a fraying hem, or even just being bothered to sew on a button, are remarkably easy – and can be done whilst sitting with friends, or watching Netfix, so you don’t even have to build extra time in to do it. The best thing about small repairs like these is also that they are very easily done by hand –really, probably easier than they would be on a sewing machine – so you can get mending in even the tiniest shack of student accommodation. It can really have a proper impact on the way you think about clothes and their disposability – once you’ve invested even the smallest helping of time and effort into a bit of clothing, you’ll be reluctant to let it go.

At the end of the day, a small effort can add longevity to your wardrobe, save you a few quid and (if you look up a darning tutorial on YouTube – there’s loads!) give you the boost of knowing your feet are doing their bit for the environment. Make mending the newest addition to your wardrobe: there is no better way to truly get in touch with your clothes.

23 In Conversation with Yasmin Jones-Henry

Dorothy Scarborough speaks with the prominent fashion journalist and activist

Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Yasmin Jones-Henry, fashion journalism pioneer, founder of the movement Workinfashion.me, and former Financial Times editor about her work in the changing fashion industry.

Cherwell: You started your career studying Classics and English, rather than more traditional routes of fashion or journalism. How do you think that your choices of subject affected your career, and though you grew up around the fashion world, how do you think that you used your subjects and time at university to enter the industry?

Y J-H: While I was at university I was a features writer for Redbrick (University of Birmingham's award winning student paper) - at the time (2010-2013) - in the wake of the rise in student fees, Tory cuts to the arts - it was actually quite a fast pace moving place to work - copy deadlines, word counts and social responses were all part and parcel of the task, which was good preparation for my future career writing for Guardian Opinion and the FT. Aside from that, the subjects themselves - Classics and English Literature - gave me depth and breadth to write across a vast range of topics. Economics traces its roots in philosophy (Oikonomia - by Xenophon), politics, rhetoric and art. Fashion has its roots in all of the above, so while I didn't do a BA or an MA in a fashion related course - in my capacity to communicate the message behind a composition or the aesthetic - for me, that joint honours degree was the best training I could have hoped for.

C: You have written in the past about how the worldliness of millennials has made you desirous to open the industry in workinfashion.me and #wedress, #wework, #wewin. How do you see the generational divide, particularly in fashion, as gen-z enters the space? Is there anything you feel that you suddenly don't understand, or that you feel our generation should be working towards?

Y J-H: I think the first thing I would say to that is Millennials are only just getting started. The industry has a high turnover of churn and burn - both in terms of how it treats its employees - and also in terms of how it sees the consumer. As a demographic - Millennials (born 1980-1996) are quite an eclectic bunch - for those, like me - who are not yet 30 - we share more in common with Gen Z than is widely communicated. The older millennials are homeowners, starting families, earning a salary that affords the acquisition of assets, while the younger Millennials - share the title of "generation rent" with the approaching Gen Z market. As Gen Z enters the market there will inevitably be some overlap and a blurring between the generational lines. I think the generational divide between the "Boomers" - those born post war vs the millennials and Gen Z, offers a much more distinct contrast. The post-war generation had free education, a fully resourced welfare state, no student fees, no student debt but then voted in a Labour government subsequently that introduced student fees, then voted in a Conservative government that trebled those fees while making cuts on public spending - thus opening the gaping divide in economic power and asset ownership we now see between their generation and that of their children. With regards to @workinfashion. me, I'm a firm believer of creating the world you want to see. My first 3 jobs were horrific, - aged 22, working in advertising on the sales floor - I cannot begin to tell you the horrors I saw when I entered the workforce. There was a marked hostility towards Millennials - we were seen as a threat, usurpers - with very little mentoring or support.

@workinfashion.me was borne out of a desire to break down those generational barriers, as I'm a firm believer in intersectional collaboration. The generational divides are economic - but socially, they are artificial, we're still fighting the same war against racism, gender discrimination and discrimination against class - being divided won't get us anywhere.

C: You have said that "hope saved your life." What in fashion is giving you reason to hope today? What are you most concerned about?

Y J-H: In fashion - the thing that gives me the most hope - is seeing the innovation that hope brings. Designers - particularly the #NextGen designers have reinvigorated the industry by utterly removing themselves from the old ways of working around take, make waste. These new creative entrepreneurs inspired by pioneers such as Katherine Hamnett and Christopher Raeburn - have entered the market with a circular economy focused business model. Seeing them using their creative power to design real time solutions to our environmental and social problems - that gives me hope!

C: You have also talked about carving a space or niche as fashion professionals cultivate brands and careers; however, social media has arguably become oversaturated. Do you agree? If so, where do you think we should be looking next?

Y J-H: I think there are pros and cons to every social media platform that manifests. The reality is, the algorithms can only do so much. Nothing beats human connections and those connections can happen in analogue or in the digital space. What is missing - is the bespoke. Platforms like Instagram were not designed to connect creatives with capital, or mentorship. It's previous reliance on "likes" has since proven to be the Emperor's New Clothes - when it came to conversion rates in sales and brand development. That platform has its virtues and its vices but social media was never designed to be a onestop shop for career development.

"Where do I think we should be looking next?" - away from social media is my answer. My career progression accelerated when I invested more of my time nurturing professional relationships and friendships - in real life. A meaningful phonecall has a much longer lasting impact than a DM. I believe people are at their core fundamentally kind and want to share - but not all of it belongs on social media... We miss out on a lot of #IRL knowledge trying to build our lives in the metaverse. There's been a lot of talk about "lessons learned from Lockdown" - but I think digital fatigue - and yearning for community - has been the most visible of them all.

“I think the first thing I would say to that is Millennials are only just getting started.” “The generational divides are economic - but socially, they are artificial, we’re still fighting the same war.”

Bouncer’s rejection. It’s not you. It’s him.

Maddy Belluci recounts her experience with bouncers on her year abroad.

Just a quick disclaimer that this is definitely in no way based on any personal, ego-related trauma or inner wound from a recent real event. I simply just wish to provide some hypothetical guidance to those who may have gone through this randomlyimagined humiliating situation. Not that I know what this must feel like or anything, but when a French bald 6,4ft man with the arms the size of two bouncy castles looks you up and down and in front of about 500 people tells you that you are an underserving speck of insignificant scum who should never leave their house again and should never have left in the first place (not in so many words maybe, but a look can convey potent sentiments, trust) it must not be the crème de la crèmiest feeling on planet Earth. (I can only imagine of course). So, here is the purely hypothetical situation at hand: It’s Halloween. You’ve queued for the club for an hour and a half, and you are getting your ticket ready while your friends in front of you go in. It takes about half a second longer for you to yank that little unrelenting piece of paper out of your unnecessarily packed wallet, but finally there it is. You hand it over, having made the bouncer wait half a second longer. He, him, the man, the total stranger in front of you gives you a look (the look, communicative of potent sentiments previously detailed), shakes his brick head in quasi-imperceptible movement and that’s that. Finito. Your fate has been decided. You are not going to give the crying drunk girl in the toilet fake consoling compliments. It’s ciao ciao babycakes. And you have only two choices here: to start sobbing uncontrollably like an 8-yearold whose Nintendo has been confiscated for the evening, or to simply stoically accept that 3 hours of your time and 3 ounces of your nearly-finished foundation and now-substanceless Chloe perfume (& 3 stomach-defeating vodka shots) were all in vain. Pour rien. But can you imagine sobbing uncontrollably like a Ninento-ridden child in front of 500 people? Christ. Could never be me… However, I urge you to not be superficial in taking the rejection at face value. Just like the boy in school who used to kick you in the shins definitely had a lifeconsuming crush on you, the droid-faced bouncer standing in the way of you and your alcoholic sweaty mosh pit-induced dreams must be hiding a secret form of infatuation. Hear me out. Your figure is looking the best it ever has and your dress is hugging it like they’re two reunited BFFs who have not seen each other in over four years. Your eyes are so foxy and lifted that aliens would be jealous and your lips are a shinier than the Eiffel tower in the rain. So, you have definitely not been rejected on the basis of your appearance. And as much as I do think that sometimes one can engage in some form of telepathic communication (like on the metro, when you are connected to a stranger through mutual identification of a sudden disagreeable stench permeating from the man that just walked in) there is no way you and robot-faced bouncer man have communicated mentally on any level. So, this is clearly very much a him problem. Here are the only four possible explanations for the rejection:

1) (The obvious one) He has a sudden love-at-first-sight crush: You are his exact type. Everything he’s ever wanted. So you’re distracting him and he already needed the toilet but now because of you he’s literally about to wet himself. 2) He is colour blind: This would make a lot of sense. Your blue Brats Doll Halloween wig isn’t resonating as to him it is red, and because your dress is pink he does not enjoy the pink and red outfit clash (although, if he were to get up to scratch with Vogue’s latest he’d know red and pink are a deeply sophisticated mix). Just a pearls before swine situation. 3) You look like his exgirlfriend: Not much to say here. His out-of-his-league hot girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend and that is not your fault. Nor is the resultant blend of your parent’s chromosomes. 4) He is gay: Just like Leo in the year above was unfortunately definitely gay because he didn’t get with you at Ella’s house party, similar case here. And as much as you may have sexualitytranscending sexappeal, it can’t work on everyone.

Listen, I know it’s gutting. Especially when you’ve just listened to a 50-minute positivity podcast about not comparing yourself to others and being happy in your own skin. A bit difficult to trust you though, Ms Positivity Adrienne, after watching all your fellow Brats Dolls strut towards their sweaty mosh pit dreams and being denied the same strut. Unfortunately, you cannot control what human (pri*k) was plopped in front of you at that very moment. You can, however, control whether or not you will choose to emit the mousy squeaky voice of despair (which exists somewhere within us all, alongside the Karen). And as much as I understand (and validate) the urge to let him know you hope he gets a papercut in between his fingers and a truck doesn’t fully run him over but just his toes, we must supress our inner squeaky Ninento-ridden voice. Especially when there are 500-odd spectators. All jokes aside, it was disgusting to leave a drunken girl in a skimpy outfit outside on her own and let all of her friends in. I’d go as far as to say slightly sadistic. A perverse power trip. But here are 2 reasons I thank him:

1) Just like I learnt from my awful ex, and would actually relive that relationship just for the colossal subsequent glow-up that ensued, I thank Bouncer for prompting an imminent new one. (Still waiting).

2) I will never have a boring shower again. (They were getting quite mundane). Now each one is a new exhilarating opportunity to perform an (increasingly aggressive and improving) monologue. Funny how uncanny the resemblance between a human and a motionless shower tap can be.

But ultimately, I wouldn’t stress too much because the French word for bouncer is “videur”, which means “emptier”, so it is literally his job title to extract the gems from the garbage. You are the gems.

A l l jokes aside, it was disgusting to leave a drunken girl in a skimpy outfit outside on her own and let all of her friends go in.

Ryan Fincham Third Year Pembroke Cherpse

Isobel Sanders Fourth Year Merton

How were you feeling before the date?

Slightly nervous since I haven’t done a blind date for a while, but excited to meet someone new.

First impressions?

Izzy was really bubbly and we got along well.

Did it meet up to your expectations?

Yes! It was a fun evening and we had lots to talk about.

What was the highlight?

Some deep conversations about the perceived pretentiousness and exclusivity of poetry, and how it leads aspiring poets to doubt their own work.

How were you feeling before the date?

Fine! I’m generally quite a relaxed person (if it’s awful, at least you have a funny story to tell friends later...) Isobel and Ryan spice First impressions? Well, I didn’t have my glasses so my frst impressions are a bit blurry, but he seemed nice and easy to talk to. up their sixth week with a blind date ..... Did it meet up to your expectations? ‘Expectations’ is a funny word! I thought that maybe this kind of thing would attract weird people but was absolutely not the case.

What was the highlight?

We had a lovely chat about cooking (shared passion) and literature

What was the most embarrassing moment?

Sharing my most embarrassing Zoom virtual interview moment (which I won’t re-share in Cherwell).

Describe the date in 3 words:

relaxed, fun, profound

Is a second date on the cards?

Maybe, we will see!

” ‘Expectations’ is a funny word. I thought that this kind of thing would attract weird people, but that was absolutley not the case.”

What was the most embarrassing moment?

It was a bit embarassing at the start - turns out I’d messaged him about something two years ago, but hey it’s a small world.

Describe the date in 3 words:

Calm, interesting, nostalgia

Horoscopes...

ARIES

21 March- 19 April

Your lucky colour this week is red. Textbook for your essay has red on the cover? 76% here we come. See someone wearing red in Bridge? Who knows where that get with could lead. Pret sign has red in it? Lucky you, coffee time. Keep an eye out and follow the signs (unless they are red fags). So the ‘new year, new you’ philosophy at the start of term didn’t work out – don’t worry! January is fast approaching with the opportunity for you to decide to go to the gym/ read more books/learn the guitar again, but maybe this time try not to set such unrealistic goals (no, you can’t do all 3 simultaneously). They say everyone has 7 clones in the world – this week is the opportunity for you to fnd your spiritual twin. You may fnd this easier a few drinks in, especially in the girls’ bathroom at a club, as this is where all platonic soulmates can be found. (The editors do not endorse entering the girls’ bathroom if you identify as male, that is creepy). Your friendship group’s Secret Santa will reveal a secret unrequited love affair… they’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you and decided the best way to do it would be with a £5-£10 gift!

LIBRA TAURUS

20 April - 20 May

SCORPIO

23 Oct - 21 Nov

As the weather gets even colder, you’ll hit your fashion element. Finally you can get out all those cosy, cosy jumpers and revel in layers of warm wool. No jumper is too thick, no scarf too long. Dare to dream.

GEMINI

21 May- 20 June

CAPRICORN

Is a second date on the cards?

I had a really lovely time and would get another tea some time but probably not as a date.

LEO

23 July - 22 August

CANCER

21 June - 22 July

So you’ve been ill all term from the fresher’s fu that never ends, just like everyone else. On the verge of buying Boots out of Lemsip, you’ve fnally found yourself with clear sinuses and the ability to breathe. Hurray! Time to go out and celebrate – they say health is wealth, so now you can actually afford the ridiculously infated Parkend ticket price.

VIRGO

23 August - 22 Sept

Hey hot stuff, someone’s been on fre this week and they know it! Your wisdom for the week is to remember everything in life is just as much about the journey as the destination, unless the journey is on the Oxford Tube.

PISCES

23 Sept - 22 Oct 22 Dec - 19 Jan AQUARIUS

19 Feb - 20 March

Wondering why you never have any free time? mysterious ache in your thumb muscles? Take a look at your screen time from this term, and then a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

SAGITTARIUS

22 Nov - 21 Dec

Take on this week knowing that you’re a great person. Things you’re particularly good at include unnecessary tequila shots in your college bar, drinking games involving ping pong balls, and choosing the right emoji reaction on Facebook messenger. Keep killing it queen. Decisions, decisions. You’ve been good at those recently, so keep it up. Make that Secret Santa shopping effcient. Make up your mind about whether you really want to apply for a DPhil or just like the idea of being called Dr. Self-direction is your best friend.

20 Jan - 18 Feb

You’re an Aquarius, which means the stars think you should open an aquarium. What better place to do that than Oxford? Put on your entrepreneur hat and buy some fsh – it can’t be that hard. You’ve been saying ‘third year starts in January’ all term, but now you’re starting to realise this might have screwed you for work big time. Now is your chance to knuckle down, so please God get on with it. When your housemates start to agree with your mother about your work ethic, this is a sign from the universe to start acting like you’re actually doing a degree.