INTRODUCTION
Majority of people want to be married and we all have a mental image of what we want in marriage. Marriage is one of the most important and basic societal institutions. In order to minimize or avoid the issue of divorce, we should however focus on the true image of marriage and what constitute a good marriage
In Nigeria, divorce is now one of the most common cases in local courts and it is alarming that some of these marriages are less than a year. The cause of divorce can be diverse and there is a long range of reasons why people fall apart.
CONTENT
▪ MARRIAGE
▪ IS DIVORCE RIGHT OR WRONG?
▪ WHY DIVORCE RATE INCREASES
▪ HOW DIVORCE RUBS OFF ON THE KIDS
▪ WHY PEOPLE CHEAT IN MARRIAGE
▪ IS LOVE ENOUGH IN MARRIAGE?
▪ GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE IN NIGERIA LAW
▪ TOLERANCE IN MARRIAGE.
▪ SHOULD PROVOCATION RESULT IN PHYSICAL ABUSE and its effect in Law.
▪ HOW COUPLE THERAPHY CAN SALVAGE YOUR MARRIAGE.
MARRIAGE
Legally speaking, marriage is a contract made in conjunction with the law, where a freeman and a freewoman reciprocally engage to live with each other during their joint lives in the union which ought to exist between husband and wife. Free in this definition means that they are clear of all bars to a lawful marriage. it is a contract intended to last until the death of one of the contracting parties or through divorce.
Types of marriage in Nigeria
These include: Statutory marriage and traditional/ customary marriage. Statutory marriage is a union of a man and woman as defined by the marriage act.
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Traditional/customary marriage is essentially a marriage contracted under the native laws and custom of the various ethnic groups in Nigeria. The essential necessity of marriage has long been recognized economically, legally, spiritually and socially.
IS DIVORCE RIGHT OR WRONG?
According to societal history, most people have different beliefs of the right or wrong of a divorce and it is usually dependent on values, cultural, Moral and religious beliefs. Valuing marriage in its entirety is an important factor in determining the right of a divorce. Finding yourself in a bad marriage, it is advisable to get a divorce. The definition of bad means, the marriage has broken down irretrievably. The law has however provided grounds in which divorce is permissible and these would be explained below.
WHY DIVORCE RATE INCREASES
In times past especially in Nigeria, people tend to shy away from divorce. Family ties were held in high esteem. A person who gets into a divorce hide from the public space. In recent times, divorce is now very much rampant and as I said earlier, in local courts, these marriages are less than a year. What are we doing wrong or what are we doing right. These are recent factors below;
1. Wrong definition of love: We swipe through our social media and we see quotes that describe love as just acts of romance like, [if he does not buy you flowers or kiss you on the forehead], he does not love you. It could be acts of expressing love but cannot be described as love. Love in its real sense is trust, sacrifice, tolerance, support. Social media has portrayed love as just romance and when we go online and see all the perfection, we come home pressured and expecting more from our spouse. Expressing love or engaging in acts of romance towards your partner becomes one of a sustainable approach for stability in marriage. The journey of marriage could be overwhelming and those acts or expressions creates room for appreciation, care and respect. We however should focus on the real sense of love and loose sight of what social media defines love to be.
2. Age: There are several different laws related to the minimum legal age of marriage in Nigeria. Under the Marriage Act 1990, the minimum legal age of marriage is 21 years for girls and boys. Under the Child Rights Act 2003, the minimum age is 18 years. Unfortunately, in some states, local laws apply and marriage age could be as low as 12 years.
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It is agreeable that age is just a number in marriage. However, it is advisable to consider age. There are unavoidable factors that creates conflicts and if not managed could cause marital issues.
SCENERIOS: Research and societal norms has shown that men value respect. A younger man marries an older lady, realistically, the possibility for disrespect to the man is high. There has to be an intentional approach from both partners in understanding and managing such factor.
Younger lady marries an older man. There is possibility of the man not matching up to her youthful desires. There has to be an intentional approach from both partners in understanding and managing such factor.
All these age factors can create an unease environment that could blow up in long-term so in as much as age is just a number, we should have an open mind to age crisis and how well it can be managed.
According to research, a higher percentage of successful marriages and any successful long-term relationship takes emotional skills and self-awareness which most people in their young age lack. Age is like stages. You are exhibiting new version of yourself at every stage. You have to be at the stage where you understand that a new version will come and understand how to adjust to that new version to fit into your current space.
3. Unrealistic Expectation: Dating is a safe place to learn about each other before marriage. It is necessary to understand that expectations whilst dating tend to change in marriage. The expression of love changes overtime and all of these expectations we have from dating can erode the success of a union. Wrong expectations setting can become a reason for divorce. It is observed that high expectations can develop from different angles; personal experience and social media.
RELATED: How do we manage high expectations? Both personal experiences and social media.
1. Understanding that there are a lot more responsibilities attached to your married life.
2. Communicate to your partner about how you feel and listen to how they feel. Find a middle ground.
3. Understand that social media isn’t real and it is 90% all about life perfection.
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4. Create time to live up to those high expectations once in a while. (This shows that you listened and you are willing to adjust).
5. Evaluate your expectations.
There is no shortage of unrealistic expectations about marriage. If you do not understand the factor “change”, and “adjustment”, your expectations would only create the feeling of anxiety, sadness and despair which can spark resentment and possibly ruin your relationship.
4. Lack of Equality: This is the most trend chart topic. Science has shown that men and women are different. Wife and Husband will never be equal in the sense of being physically same because each partner is different from each other.
There is a difference between being equal in a marriage and having equality. The principle of equality between spouses is a crucial aspect of Nigerian family law. The Matrimonial Causes Act and the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act incorporate equality in marriage.
The Nigerian Constitution also guarantees equality before the law for both spouses. Neither spouse should be discriminated against based on gender.
Spouses should have equal rights to property, assets, and resources acquired during the marriage. The Matrimonial Causes Act acknowledges the equal contributions of both spouses to the acquisition and management of marital property.
Equality in marriage is simply loving each other, being supportive to each other and making life easier for one another. Equality also recognizes that both partners are willing to work together as a team.
God has inherently given both husband and wife, distinct, unique and special roles. The phrase “what a man can do, a woman can do better” only creates an atmosphere for competition in marriage. This also drives contention and resentment straight into the heart of where their love should be for each other. Resentment often snowballs to become one of the reasons for divorce. The goal is not to be equal but to obtain equality.
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This section does not point out what a man should do or what a woman should not do, it only points out our different traits, appearance and characteristics and important of obtaining equality in marriage.
RELATED: How to promote equality in marriage;
• Teamwork: There is nothing wrong if he helps in the kitchen and there is also nothing wrong if he does not. Teamwork entails communication, suggestion, agreement. Whatever is agreed to move forward.
• Stop rejecting help from your partner: Spouse builds their self- worth on the work they contribute to the marriage. Engaging your partner creates a sense of teamwork and growth.
• Express gratitude: Be willing to thank your partner for the work they contribute. This simply shows you value and recognize their effort.
5. Domestic violence: There is a difference between conflict and domestic violence. Conflict is a part of every intimate relationship. Domestic violence however has no place in a healthy relationship. Domestic abuse varies and could include physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and financial abuse. Today, both women and men can be victims of domestic abuse. It is sad enough to admit that there are still abusers who practice these forms of abuse on their spouses and children. This act is very unhealthy for anyone and as such no one should experience or be allowed to experience such acts. Instead, practice little acts of kindness, appreciation and enjoy physical intimacy as much as possible to spice up your relationship
6. Weight gain: This is an awfully superficial cause for divorce. In this case, one person becomes less physically attractive to the other. It also takes a toll on the person with the gain as they lose their self-esteem which trickles into issues with intimacy. This can however fuel up resentment.
7. Infidelity: infidelity is cited as one of the most contributing factor to divorce. Though not always the case, it can destroy a marriage. Some people are reluctant to leave because they are willing to move past the situation for their children or a greater good of their relationship while some find it difficult to forget and move past. Whichever category you belong, infidelity in marriage breaks trust between the two, it breeds jealousy, rejection, pain, self-doubt, betrayal. However you
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decide to react based on the category you fall in, is personal. every person has different level of tolerance so you cannot be faulted for having a lower tolerance.
8. Lack of physical intimacy: physical intimacy is very important in forming and strengthening personal relationships. It is an act of bonding between couples. Physical intimacy could also be gestures like kissing, hugging, cuddling. When a marriage lacks this, it is easy to feel less loved, less cared for, less physically attractive to your partner. This could create a barrier over time.
RELATED: HOW TO IMPROVE PHYSICAL INTIMACY
The magic is in communication, understanding the situation and taking things slowly.
9. Communication problems: During the dating phase, practice communication. Most people ignore certain issues that should be communicated and this becomes a problem. Proper Communication in this context entails listening, understanding and responding. Lack of proper communication can ultimately lead to misunderstandings, missed opportunities, conflicts, dissemination of misinformation and mistrust. All of these constantly existing between couples could lead to frustration and unhappiness, if not managed properly could lead to a divorce. However, in most situations, there is need for a third-party involvement which leads to possible resolution.
RELATED: HOW TO IMPROVE PROPER COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
- Firstly, put your ego aside.
- Listen to each other without being defensive.
- Be specific.
- Avoid offensive words i.e express negative feelings constructively.
- Be intentional about fixing the problem.
HOW DIVORCE RUBS OFF ON THE KIDS
Children are major reasons why couples avoid divorce. We often hear statements like “we are still together because of the kids”. Going through with divorce is usually a tough decision for the parties. Research has shown that there are psychological effects of divorce on children which most
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times differs based on factors such as age, how they handled circumstances that led to the divorce and so on.
The key thing to note during a divorce is that children are resilient. With proper support, they will see the divorce transition as an adjustment as opposed to a crisis.
The psychological effects of divorce on children might include; mental health issues, poor academic performance, behavior problems, anger, feelings of guilt. These effects do not resonate to all children. Infact not all kids see negative effects from divorce. Those living in high conflict environments may even see the separation as something positive. However, it goes back to doing what is right for your family. Parents should try their best to communicate to the child that, no matter what, we are still a family. Most importantly, the children want to be assured of unconditional love and support regardless of the relationship status.
WHY PEOPLE CHEAT IN MARRIAGE
Infidelity has become a norm in our society. Infidelity include cheating, straying, adultery, unfaithfulness, is a violation of a couples emotional and/or sexual exclusivity that commonly results in feelings of anger, jealousy and rivalry.
It is common for Adultery and infidelity to be used interchangeably since both these words are used in similar contexts.
NOTE: the distinct difference between infidelity and adultery. In adultery, at least one of the sexual partners must be married to someone else. Infidelity can occur among both married individuals and committed relationships. Adultery means engaging in physical sexual activity. Infidelity can be either being emotionally or physically engaged. Adultery is considered a criminal offence and as grounds for divorce in certain jurisdictions. Infidelity is not.
In legal and biblical context, exclusivity is certain in marital relationships
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Realistic reasons why people in committed relationship cheat
• A choice: In Africa, men choose to self-indulge due to their cultural, religious and personal orientation.
• The situation fits: (Neglect) Period of absence, whether travelling for work or so provides greater opportunity for affairs to occur. Absence may lead to loneliness and resentment.
• Lust: This is basically an unsatisfied sexual desire. Greed and less contentment.
• Boredom: Falling out of love is frequently cited as a reason for cheating. This may involve a lack of understanding of how love matures in marriage.
• Revenge: When there is some form of damage in a marriage, the offended partner may feel a need for revenge resulting in an affair.
• Lack of intimacy: All these (financial pressure-physical disconnect-conflict avoidance) could lead to lack of intimacy amongst couples.
• Filling emotional void: It is quite ironic that many unfaithful claim that they were drawn into their affairs due to this. women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship.
• Sex addiction: This is a loss of control over their sexual behavior and they require help to control such.
• Lack of commitment: It has been found to be one of the major factors that promote cheating. This certainly translate to no care, no respect, no intimacy, no communication.
According to Sheri Stritof, there are many potential reasons for cheating but speaking directly, expressing your needs, practicing forgiveness and making a commitment to work on your marriage are the best insurance plans to protect your marriage.
RELATED: Effects of unfaithfulness in marriage
Emotional torture
Open to diseases
Mental abuse
Lack of peace in the home
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IS LOVE ENOUGH IN MARRIAGE
Love is beautiful but it is one of many important things. It should not be the only force for marriage. Marriage is a huge commitment and as such requires a multitude of factors. What else is there to look out for?
Family/religious background, their perspective on marriage, Finances, character, compatibility, respect, trust.
GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE IN NIGERIA LAW
The Matrimonial Causes Act 1970 and the Matrimonial Causes Rules 1983 are the primary laws that govern matrimonial causes such as: divorce, annulment, legal separation etc in Nigeria. The Act provides that the court with jurisdiction to hear and determine matrimonial causes is the high court of any state of the federation.
It is trite to state that for a marriage to undergo divorce proceedings in court, such marriage must be a statutory marriage legally conducted and evidenced by a valid marriage certificate.
The court do not in all morality and every sense of honesty support divorce, in fact, Section 11 of the act mandates the court not to be quick to grant divorce prayers. The law mandates judge to first seek for reconciliation of the couples. Divorce petitions will only be heard when reconciliation of the couple fails. In this instance, the party seeking for dissolution of marriage must prove and must be manifestly seen in court that the marriage has been broken down irretrievably, that simply means that divorce is the last and best resort at the time being.
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Also, courts are hesitant to grant partners divorce for a marriage that is less than two years. It is only with the leave of court that a lesser year proceeding can commence.
GROUNDS
The sole ground for instituting an action for divorce in Nigeria is that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. This means that the reason is critical and the marriage can no longer be repaired.
• Intolerance to adultery in marriage.
• Inability to consummate the marriage: This is when one party has refused the other party sexual intercourse since the marriage.
• A partner becomes incommunicado and deserts the marriage for a continuous period of at least one year with no justification and consent of the partner.
• Marriage was contracted under falsehood.
• Partner is abusive.
• Absent of the other party for a long period to be presumed dead: for someone to be presumed dead, such a person should be missing for 7 years in accordance with the provision of the law.
However, to successfully dissolve a marriage, it must be established that the reason for seeking dissolution of marriage leads to the primary ground which is; marriage is broken irretrievably.
NOTE: That when the reason is successfully proven in court and the court makes an order for decree nisi which is often contained in the judgment of the court. The order often automatically becomes absolute within a period of three months in the absence of any appeal from the affected party. The three months window gives the other party an opportunity to appeal the decision of the court if unsatisfied. In the absence of an appeal, after the three months, there is no right to appeal again.
The effect of dissolving a statutory marriage is that a party to the marriage can marry again as if the marriage has been resolved by death.
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