Lucian by Chloe Lomax

LUCIAN

While living in Bucharest in 2009 I met a girl named Livia. After 6 months together she was accepted at Glamorgan University in Cardiff and we decided to break up since neither of us thought that a long distance relationship could work. Before I was supposed to start my course in Bucharest, I came to visit Livia since she wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t adjusting very well to life in Wales. After talking to her we decided that the it will be best for me to stay and for us to move in together. Fast forward 4 years, I broke up with Livia and moved back to Bucharest and decided to give it another try. I spent 9 months in Bucharest and I was unable to re-adjust to life there. During those 9 months I met Ela and later, because I wanted to move back to the UK, I chose to move to Cheltenham to spend some time with Ela. That only lasted a week and I found myself all alone in a new town, luckily I found a job as a chef the day I arrived. Along the years, since I was 20 years old, I moved several times, probably to escape my family but also to explore the world and to start over.

Living in a grey, overcrowded and polluted city like Bucharest was not really nice for kid growing up. However, I was fortunate to be able to go every summer in the countryside at my grandparentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; house. The Gloucestershire landscape is very similar to the hills I used to roam as a kid.

I have always had a fascination with birds and their ability to fly away. I remember being a small child and looking at the birds fly and being envious.. I remember always wanting to go and explore the world and to see everything.

What I miss the most is my brother and the passion with which Romanians live their life and connect with each other. The difference I notice all the time when comparing the Romanians and the English is the lack of social awkwardness in the former. We somehow find it very easy to connect with other people and to express our feelings without being concerned so much of what other people think. I also miss being invited in friendsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; homes and having people over, since the feeling of togetherness is not felt as much when meeting at a pub.

I consider my only family to be my older brother, Alex. He lives in Bucharest and has a spare room for me in his house, so I stay there every time I go back. Neither of us speak to our parents due to a series of events that occurred along the years. Even though we used to fight all the time as kids, we were still good friends as we are now. Ever since we were kids we knew we were different from our parents and always educated ourselves. When we were kids we used to watch cartoons, without subtitles since it was just after the communist regime fell. Every night at bedtime we used to play a game based on the meaning of English words, until, one day we noticed that we understand everything they say on the television. Out of everything in my life, I am most grateful about having my brother there during all the hard times in my life.

Kiri is my first ever pet, I found her on the streets of Bucharest one winter and argued with my brother for 3 days to keep her in the house. When I left Bucharest again and moved back to the UK, I arranged for Kiri to be shipped to the UK too, now my brother askes me all the time about her..

This is Ela, I met her once on the beach of the Black Sea and lost touch with her. We found each other a year later on Facebook and started talking all the time.. she is the reason I am now in Cheltenham, and even though our romance lasted only one week, we later became good friends.. she lives in Romania now.

I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really like this picture, I remember arguing with Ela a week after moving the Cheltenham and being all alone here, feeling trapped. Three years later.. I have a large number of friends here.

When I first moved to Cardiff I started a college course so I could obtain a work permit that allowed me to work part-time. I remember waiting for the work permit to arrive for 6 months and envying anyone with a job since I was getting close to finishing all of my money. Luckily I had great support from Liviaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s family during that time and later I repaid their support by being the only one providing for me and Livia for the whole period she was in education. Some of my first friends were Josep and Ester, a Catalan couple and later on when I started my second course in college, an IT course, I got really close to Gareth, Chris and Anthony, 3 really nice guys from Cardiff. Out of them I was very close to Gareth and used to spend more time with him and always sit next to him in class. During my time in college Gareth committed suicide after a dispute with his partner, he had 2 daughters, one aged 2 and one of 6 months at the time. I found it really hard to accept his death and I remember dreaming of him calling me and telling me it was just a joke to upset his partner.

I find it very easy to talk to other people and make new friends. I met this couple at a party in Bristol and I just felt compelled to take their picture.

My friend Bogdan from Bristol. I always feel good when I visit him and spend loads of time with him and my friend Bob. I grew up with Bob in Bucharest and we used to spend almost every day together, now we found each other again after he moved to the UK.

Laura is one of my best friends, if Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not travelling alone I am travelling with her.. she fills my life with joy and I know I can always count on her. I feel that when your family is estranged, strangers become your family.

I met Keta last year while I being alone in Barcelona. I fell in love with her, I went back to visit her again and we spent more time together. Due to her being from an non-EU country, Georgia to be precise, it means that she cannot get a visa that easy to come visit..

I used to be a chef for about 6 years and even moved back to Bucharest and managed a few restaurant kitchens for a 9-month period. Those months were really hard due to working over 80 hours a week and my incapability to re-adjust to life in Romania.. at the moment I feel like I will never return there and will never work as a chef again, even though I am very passionate about cooking.

I took this picture because in some way it symbolises the “wall” between me and my estranged family and also my desire to have happy family of my own. The family walking away from frame of the camera says in a way that I’m losing hope of ever finding that..

At first, when I stayed in Cardiff and I had a return ticket to Bucharest, I remember the time during those two weeks before my return flight was scheduled. During that time, I went through a wide range of emotions, including panic, excitement, fear and happiness all mixed together. I also felt like that after I moved alone to China when I was 21, to work for a Romanian company and find factories to produce their products. Out of all the emotions I felt during my whole time here, the recurring one is the feeling of loneliness, but that feeling enables me to go and live my life and travel alone.

Laura and Evghenia on a boat on the Sea of Marmara. I just met Evghenia, Lauraâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s friend, for the first time and she was drawing a portrait of me and I responded to that by capturing the moment with my camera. I wish I can just disconnect from my negative thoughts and draw freely like she does.

I remember the day I made this drawing, the anxiety was so intense that it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I felt that somehow, by acknowledging it through drawing, I could release that feeling..

In photography and in my drawings, I am always fascinated by darkness, strong contrast and silhouettes.

There was a time in my life when I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care about dust on the furniture.. Now I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stand it, I feel that it represents losing control of my life..

The day my medication was doubled.. For most of my life, since I was 5 to be precise, I struggled with depression and anxiety. I remember asking my dad, when I was 6, to take me for a walk in the evening because I was getting cold sweats due to worrying about my own mortality. Now I’m on medication as a temporary measure until I get an appointment with a therapist.. It’s been more that 5 months since I’ve been on the waiting list.

I am afraid of heights but not of flying. It probably has to do with the events in my life as a child.. just looking at this photo I get sweaty palms, I remember shouting at my friends to step away from the edge.

I have been afraid of the dark after hearing and seeing someone die outside my window, one evening when I was 10. I took this picture because it triggered the feeling of discomfort around dark places.. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not afraid of the dark anymore, but I will always carry the feeling with me.

The inevitability of death is something that always fascinated me and troubled me, cemeteries give me a strange feeling of calm mixed with a feeling of uneasiness. When I visit a cemetery I always read the writing on the tombstones and imagine the life and death of the people buried there.

Even though I am afraid that she will be run over by a car, I still let Kiri outside all the time because I think that a short life lived to the fullest is better that living a long life trapped indoors.

I like watching people and imagining their life story. I wonder what kind of person they are, what makes them smile and what makes them happy..

During my 7 years in the UK, out of which 3 in England, I have learned to appreciate life, friendship and to not be afraid to express my feelings. I still find it hard to adjust to life here due to the fact that Romanians in general are more open about daily life and our society not being based on consumerism, especially during holidays, as the British society. The end result of moving back and forth during my adult life is that I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really feel like I belong anywhere, I always feel like something is missing but I can never tell exactly what.

As part of my process of getting better and improving my life I learned to enjoy the short moments. I believe that the key to a happy life is a series of small happy moments that make our day to day life better. I try living happily every day rather that postponing my happiness for a set date.

My passions include cycling, longboarding, snowboarding, travelling and being on the road, landscape architecture, nature and being outdoors, camping and festivals, going to concerts and meeting new people and old friends.

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m looking forward to the moment when I will have a place of my own with a happy family and a garden full of tulips..

I feel like sharing my story with everyone will be somehow interesting and hopefully some people will relate to it... I am not defined by the job I have, what I’m studying, the music I’m listening to or the clothes I’m wearing. I’m not defined by the label people put on me, neither by my worries nor my problems.. I am the sum of my life principles and my human interactions.. Stories change and people change too, I’m just actively trying to change my story to a happy one and I hope everyone else does too. - Lucian Petre