EQUINEASSISTEDTHERAPYONA REMOTEISLANDOFFBALI

By SarahHeneage

InJanuary, Ifound myselfon aremote island50minutes offthe coastofBali calledSumbaforthelaunchofthewidely acclaimed Retreatand Conquer –Equine AssistedTherapy atNIHISUMBA.

Retreatand Conqueristhebrainchildof brainchildoftheUK’sleadinghorsetherapy centre–Operation Centaur(basedatHampton CourtandRichmond Park)which hasbeenhelping peoplewith everythingfromanxietytocoping withgrief,depression to eatingdisorders(and somuchmore) forover20years.The company nowoffer overseasretreats locatedinsomeofthe mostremotelocationsinthe world(includingNihi, theprivateislandofMustique,Arabiaand Africa) ensuring asafeenvironmentinwhich to discover vulnerabilityand connection.

To sayIwasdubious wouldbeanunderstatement. Iama rider –not abrilliantoneadmittedly,butI have beenaroundhorsesall my lifeand consider myself“horsey”.Fromayoungage Ihaveretreated to astablewhenthechips were downandsobbed intomypony’smaneas toldof my latesttragedy. Evennowasanadult my patienthorse Foggy willlistentomewaffleonregardingwhatever disastrous relationship Ihavejustrecovered from–whatthen wouldsomeonelikemeget from horsetherapy?

ANDSOITBEGINS:

“Like endings, allbeginnings are difficult” , so startedAndreasLiefooghe,motioning to thegroup we had started. Ihadnoideawhat Iwas expecting thebeginningofthis retreattolooklike. Acocktail party? AGMofthe Pony Club?Instead,I’mina groupofnine strangers,sittingin acircle,listening to thesoundsoftheIndianOceancrashingon the rocksbeneathus. We areasked to introduce ourselves andbring to thegroupthe reason we are attending

“Hi, I’m Phoebe, Iam not brilliant atpublic speaking”,I fumble.Some eyecontact,some smilesandnods. “I’m here to talkabout abuse my entire life, andhow this has ledto a succession of disastrous relationships”

Stonysilence…have Ibrought toomuch to the table?Tears brim,eruptand start streamingdown my face whilstmythroatappearstobeclosingup.

Pause forwhatseemslikeaneternitybefore:

“Welcome, Phoebe.I’m sure we can do some usefulworkthese next couple ofdays” , Raul,the facilitator,soothes. After90minutes,itfeelsasifa wave of oxytocinhasengulfedthegroup.Strangers nomore, we bondthroughoursharedagonies.

Safety

Overbreakfastthe nextmorning, we all express ‘surpriseathowdeep everything went rightfrom the start. Usefully,theusualsafetybriefingson howtobehave aroundhorses (“allhorses can kick, allhorses can bite, ifyou don’t feelsafe take action”)extended to howtokeep yourselfsafe in agroup.Something fewofushad everopenly discussed.Howvulnerable canIallowmyself to be? Howfar canItrust? Howtruthful canIbe? This wasallnewtome.

We makeour waytothe stableswhichleads down alongtrack to thebeach.TheNihiherd consists of 27rescuehorses–somefromtheherd andsomefrom aracingbackgroundbutallhave foundsanctuaryatNihiandas ahorseloverIam so veryhappytoseehowwelltheyappear to be andhappy.

UponinstructionfromAndreas, we climbthe hillsideand wait…

Connections

Themajestic sweepofNihiwatubayisasight to behold –perhapsthemostpristine stretchof beachinthe world. Adda herd ofgallopinghorses anditbecomessomething fairy talesare madeof–especially forhorselovers likeus. From my vantage pointonthehill overlookingthebeach, Ifeel connectedtoanextraordinarysenseoftheplace. Forthe firsttimeonthis retreat, Ifeel my heart rate slowingdown to astrong,rhythmicbeat. Ihave arrivedandaminliterallyinhorseheaven.

My taskthis earlymorningis to identify “a horsethatspeaks to me”(AndreasLiefooghe’s words).I perch myselfononeofthehighest pointsand Iwatchtheherdascend. Ifeel myself becomingmildlyirritatedatsomegroupmembers (“no, that’s not how you approacha horse!)and quicklyberatemyself forbeingjudgmental.What happened to thatall-empathic versionof myself thatdominatedlastnight?Myinitial easemoves toa flickerofanxiety. Willthesehorseslikeme?I amsupposed to bethehorseyone here… Idecide tostay putand waituntil ahorseapproachesme. Better to beignoredthan rejected-right?Isthis howIstart relationships?Waiting fortheherd leader to approachme?

Aliverchestnutclimbsupand startsgrazing nearme.HelooksunsurewhenImove.I marvel athowsleekheis,howgracefullyhemoves,the oldscarsonhisside(mostofNihi’shorsesare rescued).Myheartskips abeatwhenIseesome othergroupmembersapproachingbutheturns andamblestowardsme –curiousofthishuman thatisnot expressinganinterest. We find each otherand Iamgladwith my unusualapproachof waiting –ithasservedme wellinthisinstance.

Thegroup

We have movedtoaroundpen.Thecircle reminds meofthechairsthepreviousnight –circles provoke attention to the centre butthereisstilla levelofuncertaintyforme –Inever wasverygood atbeingdirected.Whatisabout to happenand would Imanagethiswith ease?Fromvery early onthegroupdesignatedmethe‘horse expert’of thegroup.Tobefair,that wasprobably correct–I have my ownhorse,andtheyhavefeaturedheavily throughout my life.

It wasonlysomewhatlaterthat Irealised Ihad beenherebefore:theonlyone working,when everyoneelse waslookingon.As asinglemother ofthreegirls, Ihaveso manytimesbeentheone appearing to glidealongthe waterwhilst paddling furiouslyunderneath. Keepingthegirlsinponies has cost meanabsolutefortuneandoften caused morestressthanI would wantinalifetime –but weswallowdownthe tearsand keep onright?All apparentlyuntilrightnow.

Somehow, taking aleadershippositionhad meantdoing everythinganditscares me.What wasstoppingmedelegate? Am Iscaredofconflict? Wasthiswhy Ialwaysfeelso exhausted? Feeling thatit’s constantlymeagainstthe world?

Iacknowledgethatmanagingdifferentopinions isalsohard. Irealise Iliketoberight,andwhile Iproclaim to want to compromise,deepdownI knowwhat IwantandI’mgoing to getit =perhaps thisiswhatlifehas taughtme.The horses’energy getsoffthescaleand Irealisethatitismirroring my flightmode.Quietlygrooming eachotherone minute, they’re nowrearingupat eachother.One managestoopenthegateand runontothebeach. Andreaswalks towardsthe rearinghorsesand thingsbecome calmagain. Peoplearenotrightor wrong,they’re justdifferent. Asimple statement, yethardtofully comprehend.

Lettinggo

The five days flowedand Iwouldhave beenhard pushed to find anywheremoreperfecttobaremy soul. Ihavetravelledthe worldwith my jobintravel PRbutNihisurpassesanywhereelse Ihavebeen. Thehotelhas workedsocleverlywiththelocal communityontheisland –investinginschoolsand medicalsupplieswhilstrespectingthetraditions ofold –acleverthingindeedand even though Iinitially resistedworkinginthegroup,towards theend Ifelt verydifferent -People’sstories, their strugglesandtraumashelped to shape my understandingof myselfandgave me adeeper understandingof my patience–orratherlackofit. Iwentquitedeepintothehistoryof my bad relationshipsduringthe retreatandallowedmyself to openupin away Inever thoughtpossible.I cannotdenywhathappenedwiththehorsesand howtheyallowedmetochannel my sadness and finallymournthegrief forthe youngperson that wassoused. Ihaveworkedwithhorsesand owned my ownall my life, butitwasonthis remote islandthatI finallyunderstoodwhatitmeans to sayhorsesare likemirrors: Ididsee myselfinthat reflectionandI finally facedthetruth.

Steppingintothesea and swimmingwiththe horsesforthelast time feelscathartic,thesea sweepingwithit yearsofanguishand tormentand my horseand Ihaveaunion. Isee my reflectionin his eyeandhave asense Iam whereI’m supposed to be.Perhaps forthe firsttimein my life.

Formoreinformation,pleasevisit: www.nihi.com www.retreatandconquer.com