SPECIAL ISSUE
cl Dare to be
Super
Ninja Seeking Ninja It’s Hard to be a Hero
8 Essentials for Heroes Picking the Perfect Sidekick
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Contents
Perusing the Personals Ninja seeking Ninja, kung-fu stylee
10 Eight Heroic Essentials What every hero needs to fight the baddiess
16 Why NOT to Sell Mutants That’s slavery... sell those genetically modified horse-people insteadd
23 Picking the Perfect Sidekick How to weed out the fugglies and lame-o’ss
30 It’s Hard to be a Hero These Days When heroes use craigslistt
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Building an Underground Lair Using goods and services from cragslistt
Perusing the Personals MantaRAY seeks henching with benefits. Thunder thighs and x-ray vision required. Sidekicks welcome. Past experience with dart gun and handcuffs.
Ninja Seeks Others Posting: 66396570 1
Mid-20’s, attractive male ninja seeks others for good times. I’m looking for other ninjas, male or female, to hang out and fight crime. Technically, I guess ninjas actually commit crimes. Samurais fight crime but ninjas are so much cooler looking. So we’ll just fight crime if that’s cool with you. We can do other stuff besides hang out and fight crime. We can grab the occasional slice. Drink a tasty brew or two or three. I’m a musician in a band and we could really use a singer. We play rock music. So far we’ve been jamming on late 60’s/early 70’s rock standsrds. Led Zeppelin, Cream, Sabbath, etc. When we rock, we don’t dress like ninjas. You don’t have to wear your costume if you don’t want to except when we hang out. It will be so cool hanging out with other ninjas. I’ve included a picture of myself. (In real life, I’m much more buff but it’s kind of hard to draw with MS Paint.) If you recognize me, please don’t give away my secret identity. I can’t take all the drama from my non-ninjafriends and family. They just don’t understand what it’s like to be a ninja.
Time Travel Testing Posting: 66396570
I’m looking for 1-2 individuals to help me test my time machine. We recently completed our first mission in the Time Travel Transport (TTT) and it worked flawlessly. I was left relatively unscathed. We know, once perfected, that this will change the world we live in and will literally “re-write history”. I would like to build a small team to help me. I will be doing the actual computer work, but you should have a decent knowledge of computers. A knowledge of different eras in history would be very helpful (clothing styles, regional dialects, etc.) As a team member, you will accompany either myself or my assistant into the past or the future. As you can expect, you will have to pass a physical/mental examination, and although we believe the process to be very safe, we cannot guarantee your safety 100%. Please forward all relevant information: age sex weight/height a photo if you would like relevant experience and most importantly, why you should be picked. Currently, compensation is very little (a monthly stipend). But, we envision a market for our product very soon and you will be compensated accordingly.
Even a hero needs some company now and then, a little pal action but it’s not as if it were ever easy to find someone. Even on craigslist there’s a little questing involved, the thrill of the hunt. Now a hero can buy all the secondhand tights, find the sidekicks and meet the villains they want, only sometimes they have to pick them up. It is craigslist after all, not a delivery service.
Doctor Gorilla wants one hot sidekick. Must be willing to wear Banana Girl suit and know her way around a bar blender and rocket boots.
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Heroic Essentials TRANSPORTATION
What every hero needs to fight some baddies
CATBUS Posting 621862265
I have a 1995 Mo’ Van that got transformed into this catbus. I brought it to a shop and I was like hey, can you turn this into a catbus? So they did. The catbus only has 50k, which are all highway miles. It’s in really good shape and the fur is still all there. The steering wheel has a cat on it. I’m only asking 2,900 for the catbus because it’s really furry and sometimes people get sick on it.
DOOR TO THE FUTURE Posting 762644631
Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? This door could be the first step in making your dreams come true.
Unicornoodle P o sting 58746457 These are NON shedding Unicorns, and keep their horns all year round. They have wonderful coats and are hypoallergenic. Champion lines and european bloodlines (One of the unicorn’s grandpappy’s actually won something one time or something like that when yugoslavia was a country) so I’ll be charging $3500 because I want them to go to good homes only. These are the smartest and brightest around. You won’t find anything smarter!!! These are CKC registered (since the CKC will register anything with four legs) and aised with kids, cats, imps and fairys. Grandmother owned by Paris Hilton’s cousin’s ugly step-sister. They are GUARANTEED to keep your tweens and teens virginal until their prince arrives. Don’t waste your money on the countless badly bred purebreds, and mix breeds... instead waste your money on a unicornoodle and be the envy of the universe.
Imagine walking through this 28 3/4” x 78” door as you begin your new life, as the person you’ve always wanted to be... Happier, funnier, handsomer, richer, and with firmer buns. It could be yours, right now. Give yourself that extra edge! Come pick up your door to the future today!
TIME MACHINE Posting 440353839
Lack of funds have come up and put the skids on me finishing my dreams of building my time machine. I think I have it almost totally completed. I’ve run into one hill I can’t overcome with my small income. The time machine powers up and runs fine, however, the cryostaysis
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system doesn’t quite kick on. If anyone out there wants to take over my dreams of time travel, I will be willing to give this up for free. Imagine the chicks, the parties, all the bennies of knowing back then what you know now. This project should not fall into the wrong hands. I will be screening applicants.
Flying Carpet Posting 560384537
To make a long story short, I inherited this from my dad when my folks retired, cleaned out the house and moved south. One of my problems is that I’m almost a hundred pounds heavier than my dad. This carpet won’t lift my weight. Mainly, I just want it out of the house. I don’t have any use for it; it’s taking up space; I spend a lot of time away from home and I wouldn’t want to see any of the neighborhood children fall from a high altitude or run headlong into a tree and be injured. Strictly speaking, no pilot’s license is required because it falls under Part 103 of the Federal Aviation Regulations (14CFR103, ultralights) - it weighs less than 254 pounds, top speed is less than 55 miles per hour and all that. Even though pilot training isn’t required, you might still want to learn a little bit about how airspace is allocated and carry an air traffic control radio. We lived pretty close to Chicago’s Midway airport and it’s almost a miracle my dad never got run over by a DC-9 or sucked into a jet engine. Anyway, it’s a vibrant shade of blue with a sort of Maltese Cross pattern woven in, quite sturdy (for a rug) and about four feet by six. No test flights, no demonstrations. It won’t lift my weight, I’ve never seen anybody fly it safely, I’m not a flight instructor, I don’t know
how to evaluate whether a potential buyer knows what he’s doing or not and I don’t want to see someone crash in front of my house. If you weigh less than 180 pounds and know what you’re doing, great, take it home and enjoy it. If not, maybe you should just put it on the floor in front of your hearth and enjoy it that way.
WEAPONS Haunted Jar Posting 504298183
I picked up this Jar at my uncles estate sale. It’s believed to contain a ghost! Possibly of George Harrison. If you’re in to ghosts and other super natural phenomenon, or are a Beatles fan, this is the item for you.
Death Ray Posting 948160088
This is a genuine Death Ray, aka home made solar oven. This thing is badass. You know how the economy’s been sucking? Well, burn up your least favorite politicians in a fiery ray of destruction and cook your dinner with the same device. Slick, eh? With this Death Ray, lovingly handmade from refrigerator boxes and $30 worth of tinfoil, you could literally cook your Christmas ham and all the sides--at the same time. At over four feet tall and approximately six feet wide (when assembled) the Death Ray is sure to fill all of your cooking, living, and vaporizing needs. Those sun rays will dive ecstatically to one white-hot point of heat about six inches from the bottom of the parabola. It’s fully functional. It seemed a shame to just throw it away, not when there’s a buttload of valuable tinfoil on it. If nothing else, putting this shining Death Ray in your living room would be a powerful conversation starter.
A normal car should be able to transport it, unassembled, although a spaceship might be more appropriate. I know a genuine Death Ray is wont to make readers quite excitable, but save for congratulating me on my superior mental acuity or offering to take the lovely Death Ray off my hands.
Box spring for diabolical revenge plot Posting 247317138
It looks like a normal box spring, but if you secretly replace your sworn enemy’s queen box spring with this one, revenge will be assured! The incessant squeaking of this sturdy foundation will torment your hated victim through the night! With every toss and turn, the grating of metal on metal will penetrate the subconscious, conjuring dreams of fingernails on blackboards, trains careening off tracks, dentist drills and other unimaginable horrors! Oh, the sweet revenge you will reap when your mother-in-law/boss/ ex-lover enters the light of day with a tortured, haunted visage! No sleep! No happy dreams! Night after sleepless night, your evil plan will mature, slowly driving the hated one insane!!! (insert evil laugh here).
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What kind of heros are on craigslist these days? We found three and asked them what exactly they use craigslist for... and this is what they had to say.
Traditionally, superheroes have been lone wolves… that is, until craigslist gave them the anonymity they were looking for. Behind those mysterious masks are men and women looking for those little niceties that lend a sparkle to everyday life like a fully functional ray gun, sharks with lazer eyes and some of those jet engines you can strap to just about anything these days. The Scarlett Avenger can rant about her potty troubles, Dan can post an ad looking for a short-term nemesis and the Chrononaught can sell all the blackmakert time machines he wants (as long as he can dodge the FBI). Craigslist isn’t just a place to buy, sell or barter just about anything you want, it’s also a community of people looking for… whatever.
DAN is 35, a bit padded around the mid-section with a good layer of scruff on his jaw. As a father of two grown boys he’s gone grey around the edges. However, behind his glasses there’s a twinkle in his eye as he contemplates his vaguely trimmed front yard. After all, danger could be lurking anywhere, even in the suburbs. Especially if you’ve paid someone $350 to be your nemesis for six months. “Complacency will be the death of me. I’m 65
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...
years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance but I wanted a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I needed a nemesis.” Anyone could be his nemesis; that guy who stole his parking space, the one time someone knocked his coffee over, when he tripped while running to catch the BART and that occasional “Ahha, we meet again” whispered in his ear. Anonymous arching is exactly what Dan wanted to spice up his happy, but staid life. What is he looking for in a villain? “You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at subtle pursuit. Evil laugh and British accent preferred… oh, and a photo,” he says with a chuckle and hands on hips as he squints through the blinds to the front lawn, imagining a fleet of ninjas stealthily creeping through the arborvitae. Maybe someone will steal his paper tomorrow morning and maybe not. That’s just the sort of uncertainty he wants from his craigslist ad. Dan is rather pedestrian compared to the Chrononaught (best said in a
The Chrononaught:
The Chrononaught was busy dodging the feds as he tried to sell his time machine on the black market of craigslist. Only in the future could something so cool exist, created by a team of crack scientists. Because there is no money in the future (schlong length is, apparently, a measure of your success) he’s open to trades of many varieties. To make the selling process easier, the Chrononaught has created a series of Q & A in an effort to answer the most popular questions. Q. If the riches of a thousand kings await then why are you selling it? A. I spend most of my time in the future, since becoming a member of the OCTT. There, nothing of monetary value means anything, except for the size of your schlong. Since I am already rich (you know what I am talking about), I have no need for the riches of a thousand kings.
Q. So what your saying is, I could go back in time and then do what I want, change my life, then go through time to just before I bought it and owe you nothing?
A. Yes, you could do this. However, I like to believe that the person I sell this to will be honest. Also, remember that I can time travel before giving it to you to ensure that you won’t use it for this purpose. Q. OK, how much?! A. Please make a respectable offer and if it is money, I will gladly donate it to a charity as the future does not need currency... only a long schlong.
Q. Wow! I have been looking for one for some time now. It looks like the basic model though. Does yours come with any upgrades?
A. Our newest model (which we use for ourselves) comes with a cloaking device and a microfridge for holding Mountain Dew and frozen burritos. Q: Does this really work? If so, I will pay top dollar because, back in 82 I was able to throw a pig-skin a 1/4 mile and I would like to do it again.
A: Oh yes good sir this thing really does work! Hopefully you will be able to go back to 1982 and throw your pig-skin into oblivion! Q: What is the power source for the machine? I don’t want to make a purchase only to find out I need a rare crystal or einsteinium rod that is impossible to obtain.
A: Right now, it uses plutonium. However, the next model uses simple human feces as its power source. Included in that model is your very own toilet and newspaper from the year 2016, when currency becomes obsolete. Q: Great invention!!!! Can I pay you in schlong? A: Thank you, and no, I do not accept payments of schlong. Impres-
sively, I have more than enough to make me quite wealthy in the future. However, I am certain your dominating black market time travel. mother loves her payments in schlong, or at least she did when we conceived you (I just used the time theatrically deep voice with loads of machine to check-- yep your mom likes schlong more than money, she emphasis). He’d probably be a good will love the future). candidate to fill Dan’s ad, but he’s rather busy wheeling and dealing in two time zones. 7
The Scarlet Avenger:
battling villians and the auto-mat bathroom.
“Motion-activated sinks, I loathe you. I don’t like having to bend over and hold my hands in front of you like I’m making an offering at a Buddhist temple and want to make sure that everyone sees me lighting my incense.”
Unfortunately, the Chrononaught was caught by the feds of the future before he could sell his time machine. He has thus far been unable to schlong his way out of future federal prison so we’ve saved his time machine ad in our “Best of craigslist” section, just in case he comes back from the future for a second attempt. Only on craigslist can you sell things to the people of the past, from the future. Unlike the Chrononaught, Scarlett lives squarely in the present.
The Scarlett Avenger is one of those ladies who is perpetually rocking the windblown, haggard look. At the moment her mile-long legs are caressed by nylons sporting a fresh run up the side and her mask is slightly askew. When it comes to action time, however, she’s poised and ready to mete out justice with wry smile and hard jaw. She’s also one of the few supers who manages to juggle a secret identity and her do-goodery, that is, until she’s got to use the automatic bathroom at work. Craigslist is there to share in her hatred and help her vent after a long, hard day of kicking ass.
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She smirks as she adjusts the strap of her bag on her shoulder, “You know what gets me? I catch myself talking to that stupid bathroom while I fight with the lock on the door... it always goes something like, ‘Motion-activated lights, I hate you. I hate your wan, pathetic, green-tinted glow that makes me look like a Russian convict. I hate the way you turn on when I first open the door, and I hate the way you turn off if I sit quietly for too long. I hate how half of you are malfunctioning most of the time. I hate how it takes 30 seconds to get the water warm enough to really get your hands clean. I hate your stupid accompanying
automated soap dispenser. I am not so fucking lazy that I can’t turn a faucet on and off all by myself.’ I hate that bathroom with something akin to murder. I could murder that bathroom. In fact, if I ever get super-human strength I might just do that.” Chasing a shoplifter for ten blocks is no biggie… heck, even stopping a bank robbery isn’t too bad. But having to deal with those damn soap dispensers that squeeze out only the most miserly little squidge of soap foam on top of everything else during the day is too much. The Scarlett Avenger shouldn’t have to deal with it, being extraordinary is tough enough.