c h a p t e r o n e
FLOURISHING AMIDST THEDARKNESS
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”
—Romans 8:371
Life is full of challenges. At some point, everyone will encounter some of the common difficulties of life: illness, injury, the loss of a dream, the death of a loved one. For others, the adversity will be more profound—war, natural disaster, abuse, neglect, violence, or exploitation. While the frequency and severity of difficulty will vary, it's never our preference. As individuals caring for children who have experienced early adversity, the question is, “How do we
prepare them to overcome challenges and grow into healthy, productive adults?”
Something is Not Working…
Timothy was seven when he arrived at his new foster home. He had experienced severe maltreatment by his biological parents and had been in seven foster homes prior to this one. He had many behavioral issues at school and had a specialized learning plan. He participated in therapy, played soccer, and went to church each week with his family. As a teenager, Timothy’s struggles only became worse. He disrespected authority and found himself with a criminal record. He got poor grades in school. He started using drugs with his friends. But people knew a bit about Timothy’s background and felt sorry for him. The school continued to make exceptions for his behavior and his poor schoolwork. His coach made exceptions for his missing practices. His parents made exceptions for his attitude and behavior. They all desperately wanted to see him succeed, so they gave him every opportunity possible, but he rarely followed through on his commitments. As an adult, it was more of the same. He would be hired for a job, only to quit as soon as he got bored. He had relationship after relationship. He convinced friends and strangers to buy things for him or
loan him money, only to fail to pay them back. He was in one treatment program for substance abuse after another. And finally, his behavior landed him in prison.
Timothy’s situation is not unique. Other children may face other consequences or have outcomes different from his, but the principle is the same. Too frequently, in our effort to love, protect, and care for a child who has experienced hard things, we do not adequately prepare them to thrive in adulthood. They lack the appropriate skills and habits to succeed as a productive member of society. Our role is not to prevent our children from experiencing any challenges, but to move them toward their full potential, one step at a time. In doing this, we are working to ensure their history of adversity doesn’t define their future.
What Hope is There?
For many children, adversity will be part of life. If we are to love children, we must consider the consequences of this reality. Experiences of severe adversity are often associated with substantial, negative short-term and longterm outcomes. We must take this seriously.
At the same time, adversity doesn’t need to be the defining characteristic of a child’s life. Can you imagine if all that people knew about you was that you were abused
or abandoned? No, adversity does not define a life; rather it describes an experience.
With proper support, most children can overcome their early adversity. We can raise them to be overcomers, to be in the words of Paul in his letter to the Romans “more than conquerors.”1 Adversity can become a minor footnote amidst an epic novel that is the story God has for your child.
Overcoming adversity is possible. Research has shown that people regularly demonstrate resilience. In other words, resilience is more common than not. Given the appropriate support and tools, being resilient is an ordinary, not extraordinary, response.7, 8 In the following pages of this book, we will show you how to help make that possible.
You Were Made for This
Building resilience in children who have experienced hard things is not for the faint of heart. It will be a more difficult process for some than others. Some children may require extra support, but all children can move towards resilience. All children can move one step in the direction of overcoming, and then one more, and so on. If you implement the principles in this book, it is unlikely that you will see results tomorrow, but you will observe progress in six months, growth in one year, and maybe even a changed
life in two years. Building resilience is about progress, not perfection.
The journey is long, but you are not in it alone. When I (Nicole) was a new mom, my 9-month-old daughter liked to do everything with me. She wanted to be right in the mix when I would bake cookies. We would wind up with flour everywhere, chocolate on her face, and far fewer cookies than we expected. So, I had an idea. While she was napping, I whipped up a quadruple batch of cookie dough. I put the dough in small bags and froze it. When she woke up, I sat her on the floor next to a cookie sheet, broke off pieces of the frozen dough, and handed them to her. She would toss them on the pan with all the grace and accuracy you’d expect of a 9-month-old baby, with a huge grin on her face. She was baking! She was doing something important! When her daddy came home from work, we’d hand him a freshly baked cookie that she “made,” and she beamed with pride. It was a great system. I felt that I had hacked motherhood. :)
Then, one day, I sensed the whisper of the Holy Spirit say,
“You know that’s you, right?”
“What?” I replied, “I don’t understand.”
“That’s you and this work to care for vulnerable children. I could do this all without you I don’t need you. There is nothing you have to give that didn’t come from
me. But I love you and want to spend time with you. I want to give you purpose, so I invite you into this story.” It was a bit jarring to realize the truth in this statement. I offered nothing to the story on my own. However, it was freeing at the deepest level of my being. I didn’t have to get it right—what a relief! Success didn’t depend on me. I was simply along for the journey, following God’s guidance. The same is true for all of us. You are not alone. God can do this work of caring for children, of building resilience, without you. but He loves you so much that He wants to invite you to be part of it. He wants to give you the joy and privilege of a front-row seat to watch Him do what only He can do. It won’t be easy, but we don’t do it alone.
When we know better, we can do better. Let’s get learning.
Chapter Summary
Most children who experience adversity can overcome it with proper support and resilience-building strategies. The journey is long but achievable, with faith and a commitment to supporting them in achieving their full potential. Understanding adversity's impact empowers caregivers to help children thrive.