No real escape to my nirvana chapters 1 4

NO REAL ESCAPE To My Nirvana

CHRISSY SMITH

NO REAL ESCAPE To My Nirvana Copyright@2013 Chrissy Smith All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

Printed in USA

Dedicated to my love, Jimmy. My greatest Husband and love! You are my greatest joy and support. Thank-you for listening to my “never-ending� story ideas. Also, many thanks for putting up with all my long hours, working on this project.

Also,

dedicated

to

my

late

Sister,

Cindy,

who

supported

everything I did in my life! To my recently dearly departed Aunt Valora who was an amazing woman and will both be greatly missed!

Acknowledgements

Thanks to my Husband, Jim. You’re a wonderful man, which has put up with lots of long hours, on this computer. I’d also to mention a special thank-you to my Daughter, Nicole Reilly for letting me bounce some ideas back and forth with her and also doing some editing for me. Thanks to my Daughter, Brittany, for reading along as I wrote this book and giving her input.

Thanks to all of them for letting me know, that it was a good story line. You were always on me, asking when I’d have more of the book done for you to read. This alone kept me writing, knowing that someone wanted to read more of it! Whether or not you realized it, it kept me moving forward!

A

thank-you

to

my

Aunt

Val,

for

reading

this

in

the

beginning and supporting my decision, to write this. Thanks to my family, for giving me so much inspiration. To my Dad, thanks for all you do for me and for calling me a creative mind!

TABLE OF Contents: Chapter One Altered Life Chapter Two Samantha Dalton

Page 8 Page 37

Chapter Three Different Life Page 58 Chapter Four The Package

Page 96

Chapter Five Jewels Arrives

Page 120

Chapter Six Local Killing

Page 159

Chapter Seven Flying High

Page 216

Chapter Eight Surprises

Page 241

Chapter Nine A Plan

Page 274

Chapter Ten Jacob’s Tragedy

Page 309

Chapter Eleven Sam’s Past

Page 340

Chapter Twelve Double Death

Page 366

Chapter Thirteen Police Drama Page 393 Chapter Fourteen Jewels Funeral Plans Page 414 Chapter Fifteen Bundle Of Joy Page 432 Chapter Sixteen Mitchum’s Funeral Page 453 Chapter Seventeen Paternity

Page 467

Chapter Eighteen Alleyway Scare Page 481 Chapter Nineteen God Almighty

Page 495

Chapter Twenty Hurting Children Page 505 Chapter Twenty-One Trevor!

Page 531

About the Author

Page 531

Author’s Note

Page 533

CHAPTER ONE – Altered Life

I

always feel a little sad, walking into my house and leaving

Michael

behind

but

it’s

just

for

now.

We

discussed

living

together but now wasn’t the right time for it. I get a bit lonely, as it’s just my dog, Jekyll and myself here for right now. My dog is a three-year old German shepherd, my greatest of companions. I feel safe with him here, at night. I call him Jack for short. Don’t ask me why but I have a nickname for my dog. I came in tonight and decided I better take him for a late night walk, before going off to bed. I enjoy the walks we have around the property. It’s quite serene here, with all the sounds of the night. I think at this point, Jack just expects these late night strolls.

Jack laid himself into his dog bed, in the living room. He

likes to sleep there at night and I prefer that he be there, by the door. He always seems content there and I don’t need him in my bedroom. I walked up to my bedroom but the house seemed so very quiet. I mean, it is quiet but it was a different feeling I was getting. Like when you know something bad is about to happen or something is just out of place.

My bedroom was filled with the greatest of antiques. It was a creamy beige paint with light pink accents. I had pink drapes and a pink luxurious bedspread. It was the most comfortable king sized mattress, that I could find. It was on top of an antique wood and brass frame that belonged to my dear grandmother, at one time. May she rest in peace. My bathroom was large enough, to be considered a smaller room and I made sure it was a relaxing part of my room. I loved to soak in the tub with the smell of lavender and Camille bubbles. I thought it might be a great time, for a relaxing bath, before I retire to my bed to read and then drift asleep. I fell asleep lots of times, while reading my favorite novel or catching up on work from the office. It was just how I always had fallen asleep. Not with the noise of the television set going. It was my quiet time of the day, probably the only time that was relaxing to me. Michael always calls me before bed, which is so nice of him. He likes to check up on me, that I’m doing

all

right

and

that

everything

is

okay.

He

is

very

considerate and kind like that. I’m very fortunate to have him in my life. Someday, I will marry Mr. Michael T. Calloway. You can mark my words; one day I will marry that man. I can’t wait but

the time is not right for us now.

As I was drawing my bath water, I had a strange feeling come over me. It was the same feeling as I had before, that something just felt out of place in here. I poured my bubble bath into the bathtub and was waiting for the large tub to fill. I got my

negligee and

bathrobe out

for after

my bath.

Then I

got

undressed and ready to jump in. I lit my jasmine and vanilla candles, which surround my bathroom. I put my music on for my relaxing atmosphere. Then I slid down for a nice long hot bath.

I was enjoying my bath when I heard Jack stir a bit. It was unlike him to do that, once he was down for the night. The next thing I knew, I was being dragged out of the bathtub, by my hair.

This man in a black baseball cap, sunglasses and a black bandana around his face, was in my house. He dragged me across my bedroom floor, while I kicked and screamed for my life. He knocked me into my lounge chair and my beautiful wall. I did what I could to get free but at 110lbs and 5’7 there wasn’t much I could do, to save myself. He threw me on my bed, while punching my stomach and head. He punched me so hard; I thought I would pass out from the pain.

I

couldn’t

believe

what

was

happening

to

me.

Samantha

Dalton was being attacked but by who? What did he want with me?

Who was this sadistic man, in my house? He was brutally attacking me with no mercy, in sight. He wanted more than just to steal from me. He wanted to take my dignity and all that I had within

my soul. I just kept thinking “Why Me?” Why did this man target me? What did I ever do to this man? What criminally insane people do

this? How

without

any

can anyone conscience

do this of

it?

to another

person and

live

How

they

with

could

live

themselves? All these questions were entering my mind. But then I realized I just needed to make sure to survive and not be killed by this damn psychotic maniac. My mission at this point was to just keep on living. I wasn’t ready to die. I was still young and had lots of life left in me. I was concentrating on what he was wearing; his voice and anything that might help me identify him. But it’s really hard to concentrate on anything, when a monster is mauling you.

He laid me on the bed and told me to stop screaming, with a knife up to my throat. He said he wouldn’t kill me, if I just behaved for him. What the hell does that mean I said to myself.

How did I know he was telling the truth and I would not die? I didn’t know that for sure and I certainly wasn’t about to believe someone, who could do this to anyone, or me for that matter. I knew from watching a program that it was probably best to go along with, whatever he wanted but that wasn’t so easy to do. No one wants this. But I would try this method for a minute but after that I’d have to find a way to fight him. I wasn’t dying without a fight. He’d have the fight of his lifetime.

I wasn’t someone he could do this to. I wasn’t a woman who would just give up and surrender to him. I was not dying. My goal

here was to not die. I had a feeling, that if I did anything he’d kill me. That was of course, after he was done doing what he wanted to do to me. It was inevitable that he would want to get rid of me. He wouldn’t want me to call the Police and turn him in. So, why keep the evidence around. Hopefully, this jackass just wasn’t that smart. I was hoping he was dumb and I could use that to my advantage.

He pulled the knife down my body, down my chest and all the way down my stomach, almost egging me on to do something to him.

What could I do? I could feel the knife hard on my skin, almost piercing me. He wanted to taunt me, almost enjoying the sounds of my cries. This went on for a while, just him playing with the knife on my skin. He just kept going over me with it but never actually cutting me. It was like a big joke to him. He wanted me to scream and carry on but I tried to keep my wits about me. But in my head, I kept saying I was going to die and if I lived I’d want to die. How could this be happening to me? Who was he and what did he want with me, besides the obvious? I had so many questions and no answers right now. I just had to survive this. I couldn’t leave my life or my family right now. They would be devastated to find me dead. Especially, like this and in this way. I made up my mind that I was going to live, no matter what and that was how it was going to be.

He said my name; Samantha but my friends called me Sam. He obviously, knew who I was. I wondered how he knew my name or for that fact, how he knew me. I didn’t recognize him but then again

this was not under normal circumstance. I really couldn’t think rationally or at all right now. I was not in the right frame of mind to figure out, which the hell he was.

Samantha Dalton was a known name, like a celebrity but from the fashion industry. But most knew who I was. My family was very well known, in the business world. He started putting his slimy miserable hands all over my body. He acted like I should want this. He was caressing me like a piece of meat, which belonged to him. All I thought was please please wear a condom, at the very least. I knew what was coming and that my life would now be forever changed. I would never be the same, act the same or feel the same about anything in life ever again. This was it, my worst nightmare.

He put his fingers inside me hard, like I should enjoy this and then kissed my lips, like I was his forever. He was a sick, heartless, manipulating Man that needed to pay for his actions. I resisted again and got slapped so hard that I saw stars. Then my worst fear was the pain of him sticking his penis into me so hard. It was like a knife was going in and out of me. Then he just pulled me up and threw me over on to my stomach. This was after biting on my tits, while he felt all over my ass, with his perverted hands. He then did the unthinkable, as this all wasn’t enough for him. He anally penetrated me, which I was never going to do. It felt like my whole ass was going to rip in half. No man has ever dared to do this to me or even tried. I’m a lady and just not that kind of girl. It felt disgusting, demeaning and

hurt like hell. No, I think I would have enjoyed hell, more than this kind of hell. I could feel my asshole tearing and probably bleeding from this sociopath. because

it

hurt

so

badly.

I couldn’t hear my own thoughts My

whole

body

was

shaking

and

trembling. I just sat there with a blank look on my face, hoping and waiting for it to end. I finally started to think again that I could not tell anyone, not even Michael about this. I knew I’d have lots of secrets but in my family we don’t want publicity and we don’t call the cops. We’d be on the front of every nationally published magazine, in a heartbeat. This was now my darkest, deepest secret and one that could never get out.

After hours of this abuse, the Man got off of me and said, “See I told you, I wouldn’t kill you.” He told me to keep my mouth shut or he’d go after my family. He was stupid to think I’d tell anyone ever. As he left he stole my diamond necklace, which was worth over $300,000.00 but that was the least of my worries.

It was just that this was a priceless gift, from my graduation. I graduated from college a few years ago and my parent’s gave me it for a graduation present. It was just something that could not be replaced, like my sanity. But he really didn’t come for that. I believe he saw it lay out there and just took it like a parting gift or something. I just sat there trembling, not knowing what to do next. I actually had a lot of fun in college besides all the late nights, with all the hard work but it was all worth it.

I just never got myself caught up in any bad situations. I didn’t party much but I had my fun times. I didn’t want to be one of

those

casualties

in

college.

You

know

the

girls

that

got

themselves in trouble, with the boys. I kept to myself most of the time. I hung-out with my closest of girlfriends. But stayed away from the bad scenes, that would lead me in a bad direction.

It all paid off in the end, as I got my dream job, with my family business and I’m living life in a good way up until now.

I heard this monster of a man, walk away down my long hall way and with seventeen thumps of his steel-toed black boots, I hear him go down my steps one thump at a time. I then hear him go to the front door but then he heads back into my kitchen and grabs what I think to be one of my water bottles, out of the fridge. I’m thinking that this is just all too insane. He then has the audacity, to walk by Jack and say “Bye Pup”. He then leaves my front door, as if he is a guest visiting me, with a big slam of it and then it’s shut. He then proceeds down my driveway, as I noticed him walking on my security cameras. He must’ve walked from the gate, as it was closed and he had no car that was visible

to

me.

Maybe

he

parked

down

the

road

to

be

more

conspicuous. I’m just not sure. I’m still in total shock of the whole damn thing.

I plant myself in a fetal position, on the bathroom floor and just rock myself in my arms, never wanting to let go or go on with life. It’s like I was having a bad dream that just wouldn’t go away but this dream was my reality. I noticed that I had blood streaming down my legs, from my vagina. I walked over to my toilet and then went into my bathroom cabinet so I could pull out

a tampon and put it in there to soak up the blood from my vagina.

I had to keep putting new ones in to get it to stop. I was so sore down there and actually every where. But somehow, I needed to survive this and keep moving on in my life. I couldn’t let this be the downfall of my life. I needed to find a way out of this. It wasn’t going to be all that easy but it was what I needed to do. I had to do this I had to. Somehow I had to keep my wits about me and find a way to deal with this. I was strong but stronger than this? It was a tall order for any woman to bear but there had to be a way for me to turn this around and make it a learning experience. Yeah right, I learned you couldn’t trust anyone or any Man. Well, Michael I can trust but how will I ever be able to face him again. I will have to tell him someday but that’s not right now or anytime soon. This is one secret, I won’t be able to keep from him forever. He is such a good man but he will want to kill the psycho bastard that did this to me. They all would want to go after him and I wouldn’t be able to stop them either. My brothers seem tame but when it comes to family they are true blue guys. They’d do anything for any one of us. No matter what it takes, they’d be there for us. So, they can never know. It’s just not a good idea, for anyone to know ever.

I cleaned myself up and got into the shower. I was in there for hours, trying to wash away what felt like a sin. But it was reality; my sin would be keeping this deadly secret. I scrubbed and scrubbed but it would not go away. I couldn’t even cry, as I was just in utter shock. My family would always be at risk for

robbery, slander, jealousy but rape was not what I was thinking.

I always did the right things when it came to men. I didn’t harm anyone. I never drank much or did drugs and I always treated people with the utmost dignity. So, this was the most cruelest, unfair thing that has ever happen to me. I didn’t deserve it, want it or accept it. But it happened to me and now I had to deal with

it,

somehow.

What

doesn’t

kill

you

makes

you

stronger,

that’s how the saying goes but I don’t think they meant with this kind of thing. What did they mean really?

I was trying to think over things in my head. I dwelled on it all night long. I was alone and that’s how I wanted it to be tonight or maybe forever. I kept going back to things and one thing kept haunting me, his smell. He smelt familiar. I have already

smelt

that

cologne

that

he

wore.

He

covered

up

his

appearance well but forgot to cover up his signature scent. I think I knew this man from long ago. He was the only one, who wore this one-of-a-kind fragrance. Could it have been someone I knew from years earlier? I just needed to keep on thinking, figure things out. I felt like my mind would explode or I’d just sit here and wilt away until I died.

I had work tomorrow. How could I go in and see my brothers.

They’d know something was wrong. I probably wouldn’t have any obvious marks by morning or I’d just lie and say I fell on my stairs. Whatever the case may be I needed to keep on my schedule.

I needed to ace like all was fine. Even though everything was a terrible disaster.

This

is

something

I’d

think

would

happen

to

my

little

sister, Jewels, short for Julia. She was the one always getting into trouble with rebelling and all. She was only 18 years old now and very teenager-like. She was obviously My parent’s mistake but nonetheless loved. I was much older than her by ten years. I don’t always see eye to eye with her but I do try to deal with her immaturity. I try to spend time with her and overlook her ways about her. She still lives with my parents, at their 8,000 square foot mansion. There was plenty of room for her and also for the Grandchildren.

Jared was married to Melissa for about ten years now. They have three beautiful children, ranging from three to eight years old. My two nephews, Lucas and James were a lot to handle but still sweet. Then little Alexandria who is cute as a button. I love little three year olds, always asking “why?” about things.

It’s such a simple word with such a big meaning.

My brother,

Jacob was never married and probably never will be. He just loves to play the field. We never know what he will bring home next. I don’t really care, as long as he gets to work on time and does his job to all of our expectations.

I decided to try to calm my nerves down by drinking a large glass of hot tea. I made it in my keurig tea brewer, that I got for Christmas. It is so fast to make a great cup of tea, in whatever flavor you like. I love hazelnut and thought that might help to ease my pain. But who was I kidding my pain would be lifelong agony. I was just fooling myself, at

this point. I got out my favorite cashmere pink and brown throw blanket. I planned to camp out on my couch for the night, with Jack by my side. I thought he’d help me get some sleep. But I knew it’d be a long time before I’d ever be able to sleep. I popped two codeines for my pain, with my tea. I put on some soothing music sounds and I lay down on the couch for what would be a very long night. It would most likely be the longest night so far in my life.

I

cried

quietly

to

myself

while

gently

stroking

Jack’s

back. He knew something was wrong but was very quiet also. I actually think that he was definitely, drugged by that fucking scum of the earth. He would’ve come and fought him to the death for me. He was the greatest watchdog ever and there is no way he just let him in this house of mine. He was acting strange and stammering when he walked. I guess it’ll wear off by morning for him but I did give him some water before I lay down.

I stayed up all night going over things in my mind. Nothing made sense, none of it. It was something I wanted to forget but would never forget. I just kept thinking who was that man and do I know him? Something just seemed too familiar to me about him.

Plus, that smell, that cologne. It was one I knew and most did not have it. It was very hard to come by. It all was too much, to think about right now. I did decide to call into work though. I decided to tell everyone, including Michael that I was going out of town for a week for business matters. I figured that way my face wouldn’t still be bruised up and I could just concentrate on

dealing with this horrid event on my own.

My heart is broken. My mind is damaged and I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I feel like I’ve been hit by a tractor-trailer doing 70mph. Actually, I just feel like I’m dead inside. What Man ever has the right to do that to a woman? The worst part of all is that I can do nothing to that man ever. He will live his life, continuing to do this to women and getting away with. I wonder how many are already victims and how many more will have to endure this pain. My heart just sank thinking about all of these other women. I just couldn’t be the one to do anything. My family would go through hell, if this were to get out into the public eye. It’s just how it is with my family, everything has to be hush-hush or we see it in magazines and the newspapers around the world.

My father is like an icon, in the fashion world now. We have lived in the public’s eye all my life so I am use to it and I just know how things go with the paparazzi taking everything out of context. It’s a terrible thing to read all the lies about yourself

and

your

family.

I

just

hate

that

aspect

of

our

position, in the world. But you have to take the good with the bad. I had a good life with all that I needed but the public is part of that life too. You have to learn how to handle the press in such a way, that you aren’t caught in any scandals and this would be just that.

I had to find a way to just focus on me. I had to just retain my sanity, through this big disastrous mess. It was just

something I needed to do over this week and find a way to deal with

it silently.

I could

tell my

best friend,

Amber but

I

thought or wondered if I could trust her not to tell a soul. I always was able to trust her before but this was bigger than anything I ever had to deal. I would just take this week for myself. I’d probably explode if I didn’t tell her. She’d know something was very wrong. We’d been friends since kindergarten, when we were five years old and in school together. So, not much has ever gotten past her.

My innocence of the world, as I knew it was know gone.

Would I ever trust anyone or anything ever again? Could I just move on and live life like nothing ever happened? Or would this tragedy come back to haunt me, in the end? Secrets are hard to keep from those you loved but this one I just didn’t want to burden them with. It was so demeaning to me. I guess I just needed this time to figure it all out. I just wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to put all the pieces together. Everyone thinks Samantha Dalton is so hard ass and so unbelievably strong. But they really don’t know me at all. In the business world, one must be strong headed but that’s not me in the real world. I have a heart but a true knack when it comes to business. They are two separate worlds. Your business world and personal life is not the same thing. It’s like your living a double life or something.

People just don’t ever understand it all and definitely haven’t walked a mile, in my shoes. I was just lucky enough to be born in to this great family, with all it’s prestige and integrity to

boot. It’s not always what it is cracked up to be but I do enjoy my lifestyle here.

It’s

not

all

glamour

and

fashion.

A

lot

of

work

is

involved, to stay where you want to be and to keep your success.

Everyone thinks it’s so easy but it’s not and it takes up most of my time. This is one of the problems with my boyfriend, Michael we never have enough time together, living apart. But as I said, it’s just not the right time but maybe in a year or two. I know my life will be with him but now I must deal with being raped.

RAPED that sounds so foreign to me but it is now my most horrible reality. That bastard what he has done to me! I’d like him dead but that’s something I’d never do. It’s just when this happens to you, it seems like the only revenge. Even death row is an easier route for him, than what I’d like to do to him right now. How could

you take

my great

life away

from me,

you dirty

slimy

fucking asshole. He should be castrated and have to live life like that, sick scum of the earth. Will I ever be normal again? I am a strong person after all. But could I be wrong? Could I survive being raped and ever live a normal life again? Would it ever be the same, as it was before? I know that’s a stupid question, to be asking. I knew, life as I knew it, could never be the same. I was a different person now. I knew the world was evil.

38

CHAPTER TWO - Samantha Dalton

I left Michael Calloway, standing at the door wanting more the night before my vicious attack. I was tired after our long dinner out and just wanted to have a nice quiet evening, before the rush of the morning. I had an early meeting at work and I needed to get

my

paperwork

prepared.

Michael

was

a

very

understanding

boyfriend of seven years. He was a bit confused but would get over it. He knows how busy I am with my business and family.

Michael is a very gorgeous man with his black locks with just enough curl to them. He has the greatest piercing blue eyes, which I ever did see. He has a body of an adonis with his football player type of muscular body. He works out at the local gym. That is when he gets a chance, to keep in shape. I love his big and muscular arms wrapped around me. It makes me feel very safe. I would go to the gym but with my petite stature, I really don’t

want

many

muscles

or

to

lose

any

weight.

But

Michael

definitely likes to keep in shape, with his body and also his mind. He is a very smart man and will have his own law firm someday. He is up and coming, in his field of expertise. He is

the most fascinating and wonderful man, in the world. I’m so very lucky to have met him, when I did. We haven’t ever been apart but we do live separately, for the moment. We are just too busy with our careers, to commit to living together. That’s fine for both us, right now.

I unlocked my door, to my smaller type of mansion. We are always making jokes over it, being for peasants. But most in the higher classes, would be extremely happy, with my house. I grew up in it but my parent’s decided to buy a bigger house. They wanted their Grandchildren to all have their own rooms.

Plus they wanted to have a large playroom, for all of their toys and such. I thought it was a little extreme but for the most part that’s what my parents are about. They don’t go without anything. It’s due to our prosperous fashion business, which I now have been working at, for many of my adult years. of

the

fashion

business.

I

have

a

great

deal

I am CEO of

the

responsibilities, on my shoulders. My Father, John Dalton, is retired now and has handed most of the business, down to my two twin brothers. Jacob and Jared work with myself. But lucky for me,

I

am

top

dog

there.

So,

we

now

all

share

most

of

the

responsibilities, with Dad’s input, of course. He hasn’t actually given us ownership but that will come in time. Until then, we just keep it up and running. It takes up most of my time and energy

but

it’s

what

keeps

us

all

very

well

off

that

is

financially speaking. Dalton Fashions is known around the world.

Dalton Fashions Enterprise is located in Manhattan but we

live a short distance outside the city. All of my family now lives in the Armonk now. It’s an upper class area. I lived here all my life and also attended the Byram Hills High School.

Back in the day, when my Mother attended the school, there was more of a bunch of different types of classes. You had your upper class but also middle class and those less fortune it. Now everyone who didn’t have money moved to Orange County, New York.

This was so they could survive, the increasing costs of living.

The luckier ones with the cash stayed here and took it over. It’s too bad; we all have to live like this. It’d be nice if we could all just have money. I’m glad and very appreciative that my family is doing so well but I do not forget about others, who are not so lucky.

We had felt it was a lot safer in Armonk, than being in Manhattan. There are a lot of ritzier types people here, some with their noses in the air. My family is not like that, even with our great wealth. We were always taught differently and to appreciate our good fortunes. Plus, we do find the time to do charity work. Especially, for those suffering from poverty and the

under

privileged.

When

you

have

succeeded

in

life,

you

shouldn’t forget the more unfortunate. It’s just the way most people should think but don’t. I enjoy our charity work and spend a lot of time on its development. My brothers could careless about it. Which does drive me a little nuts. I would love them to be more like me and feel the way I do but they don’t. That is a fact,

which

I

have

to

live

with.

Well,

that

is

Jacob

in

a

nutshell. He is all about himself and nobody else at times. He cares about his family but when he is drinking or drugging, he cares about nothing. But nonetheless he is family, so we just deal with it the best we can.

I can always count on my brother Jared. He is a family man now and very responsible. He is a big help with the business and also the family aspect of life. He is very indebted to his Wife, Melissa

and

takes

great

joy

with

the

raising

of

his

young

children. He is always working long hours and takes pride in all his work. His motto is why put off what you can do today for tomorrow. It’s a good one to live by because procrastination, will get you nowhere in life. It just makes things a lot harder for you.

Now

Jacob

is

just

immature

and

a

player

of

sorts.

He

doesn’t get much sleep, as he goes out most nights and plays a lot.

1 It’s hard to read what he wants to accomplish in life, as you never know from one minute to the next whether you can count on him or not. I just wish he’d get organized and stop the shit he does. He makes the steam come out of my ears, as I get so mad at him. He doesn’t get the responsibilities I have and why he needs to wake-up around here. I can’t fire my own brother. Even my Dad agrees and we do need his help, even if it’s lacking in a lot of areas. So, we all just deal with him and hope for the best. He has been handed everything like the rest of us and now just takes

everything for granted. He really doesn’t think at all. But he’s family and he knows he’ll never be without anything in life. He just takes advantage of it all and it’s just wrong. You would think at his age, he would have grown up by now. He acts like he is still in High School some days. Although, Jacob is five years older than me but no one would know this.

I’m very lucky in life and family no matter how you look at it. My parent’s have been very good to us, over the years. We are a very close-knit family with a lot of morals and values. Which helps to go far in this world, in which we are in the public eye.

We haven’t had many publicized Scandals or misfortunes. We don’t seek out to be plastered all over the magazines. We try to keep as low-key with things as we can. This is not as easy as it seems. Since we are so well known in the community and country, this can always factor into things.

It’s just that we were all taught the right things, the right way to act and how to treat people with dignity. We are not out for ourselves but rather to make the world a better place. You can’t make it in this world, with only thinking about yourself but rather thinking about others, as well. It all makes great sense to me.

I spend a lot of time remembering memories of my childhood, in Armonk. I love the fact that I still live in the very old house, which had been my Parents. I am truly blessed, in that way. I remember as a child, we were a normal all-American family.

We sat at the dinner table together. My Mother would cook up a

storm, for us every night. We played board games and watched television

together

at

night.

We

actually

went

out

and

did

things, as a family. You don’t see much of this anymore. It’s such a fast-paced world. Everyone in a family seems to be going in different directions now. The Parents both need to work now.

Some kids are left to fend for themselves. Parents get carpools, just so they don’t have to take their kids to their afterschool sporting events or ballet lessons. It just seems like a neverending rat race and no one seems to care or notice, for that fact. It’s really sad to see. I like the good old days, with my family.

I remember when we use to all go to the High School, to see the

plays

or

performances,

being

put

on

by

the

Students.

I

remember seeing all the older kids I knew from the neighborhood, in these plays. I thought it was so interesting that when my Mother went there, she saw Jim Henson. She went there with her family and was a little girl. I guess about seven years old or so. Well, she told my siblings and I, that she and her cousin, Mikey had met Jim Henson. Luckily, I knew whom he was and didn’t make my Mother feel so old. I would hate to do that to her. But Jim Henson, was the man who created the Muppets. It was really interesting because his teenager was in the play at the time and he was in a rush, she said. He wasn’t exactly mean but I guess, at the time he was really well known and people were always bothering him for autographs. But my Mother and Mikey got their autograph, from the famous late Jim Henson. He signed his name

with a picture of “Kermit the Frog” she said. She lost this autograph but really wishes that her Mother had thought to put it away for safe keeping. My Mother sometimes forgets how young I am. She thinks I should know who everyone was. But I was lucky enough to have seen the Muppets and knew who he was. I believe they are still on today and his legend lives on through them. He was an amazing creator, that’s for sure.

My Mother, April Dalton, also told me about the fact that Peter Gallagher went to High School with her. Well, he was about five years older than her. But she also saw him in a play, when she was a pre-teen. She said this was before he became famous, as an actor, in the movies. He started out in plays, at Byram Hills High School, in Armonk, New York. He may have done other work too, while doing this work but my Mother was not sure. I just don’t want to sell him short here. Anyway, my Mother was full of stories from the past, in our great town. Always trying to keep us entertained, with all she knew about our town.

There were so many interesting facts. Sometimes you just felt like you were there. She told me a story about how this property had one of the town’s oldest dumps on it. They used it in the old days but my Father also used it, in his day. It just wasn’t in use, by the town anymore. I heard from friends, that they had the oldest dump, in their backyard growing-up too but I just ignored them. I knew the history of my house and the fact of how old it was. They had newer houses and there was no way in hell, that they had the first dump, in their backyards. But I

never argued much with them. Facebook is a hard thing to maneuver sometimes. You don’t want everyone seeing that you are arguing over something so stupid. It wasn’t stupid to me but to everyone else, it would have been.

Anyhow, my house was built in the early 1800’s. It is that it was one of the first houses built, in this area. It was on Byram Lakes Boulevard and it has the thruway running next to it.

That use to be the way to get on to it. But it was sense made into a dead-end road long ago. Thank-God but it still remains extremely noisy from that thruway. It runs right next to the road and there is no way to get rid of that kind of noise. Something you just get use to, living on this road.

My Great Uncle Walter lived in this house. He was a very well

known

and

liked

man

by

the

town.

He

was

high

on

the

political scales and liked it that way. He lived in this house his whole life until he passed away, when I was a young girl. We enjoyed living with him, in his old age. He talked about this socalled first dump there, on our property. You had to walk a short distance, in the woods, at this point but could find it easily.

There

were

still

some

remains

of

old

objects

thrown

out,

throughout history. My Sister and I were drawn to this hideaway spot. We loved searching the dump, to find interesting objects to bring back to the house. I remember one day we thought we hit the lottery. We found old jewelry. I’m sure it was worth money but why would someone through these items out. We just weren’t sure.

I still have a ring, which is very old I’m thinking. My Sister

kept it for a while but then finally gave it to me. She knew how much I wanted that ring. I still have this silly ring but enjoy knowing how we found it and just how old it is. It means the world to me and I will always cherish it. It will hold a special place in my heart, when I’m old and gray. I will always remember Jewels, giving it to me and that alone makes it great!

1 In the more modern times, we had my “Uncle” Frank over a lot. He uses to bury horses that had died for us, back in the dump.

I’m

sure

sometime

someone

will

think

they

have

found

dinosaur bones, if they had dug those horses up. Uncle Frank did lots for us but who knows what else is buried back then. I know he had buried a few cars here and there or so I had heard. But I never really understood why he had buried those cars. We asked no questions and that way we knew nothing. Uncle Frank was in the mafia but was our friend or more like family. I loved Uncle Frank and I’m not just saying that. He was good to me and I enjoyed his company. My Parents seemed to think he was fine and would always go on about the mafia. I didn’t know much then but what I did know was his family was around and in our lives a lot back then.

I

didn’t

mind

them.

They

were

my

friends.

My

best

friend,

Lucinda, at the time was his Daughter. We hung-out and I wanted to be just like her. She was a cheerleader, at the High School and I loved her teenager room. I was three- years younger than her and just admired her, to no end. I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I didn’t worry about them or fear them. They were

all just my family.

My other best-friend growing-up was Benny Trenchado and he had a little Sister, Gertie. We played all the time. Went to school together on the bus. His Parents were Benny Sr. and Karen Trenchado. I spent a lot of time, at their house down the road. I also got to know their Parents pretty well. Their Father was the big talk in the town, as he was having an affair with Katie. She worked at his office in town, with his Wife no less. We all kept to ourselves. My Aunt Valeria worked there too, at one point in time. We always gossiped about the on-goings there. We came to the conclusion that Karen Trenchado really didn’t care and was probably busy with her own affair. We really didn’t know. These were all family of Frank Leonardi’s Wife, Joy. It took me a long time to realize that his Wife and Karen were Sisters. They acted and looked nothing alike to me. Karen amazed me with her bleached blonde hair. And kept questioning Benny, as to why in her older picture she was a brunette. I finally got it one day.

I didn’t understand what my Parents were talking about all the time. But I knew vaguely what it meant. I didn’t know that it was suppose to scare me. I didn’t get that but then again I was a young child, at the time. I know that if I was supposed to be scared or fear them, then my Mother would have said so and she never did. If she was okay with them, then so was I. They never did my family or I any harm. I admit we did a lot for them. We sold

them

property

and

everything

but

we

didn’t

have

to

or

weren’t made to. So, all my life I thought why weren’t we mafia?

If they were and hanging with us, then what did that make us? I never really got the answers to those questions, as a child but I now know whom I am. I know what I am. I know where I came from and what kind of family I have. I am not scared of anything. I don’t want for anything in my life but sacrifice a lot to have what I have. I am one of those lucky ones. I guess you could say that a lot of people out there probably wish that they were I. I am just me and I love who I am. I represent good things and have taken a lot of time to become the adult, which I am. It takes lots

of

hard

work

to

become

self-sufficient

and

happy

with

yourself. Also, perhaps with your life, that is if you are lucky enough to be happy with your life. We are all dealt our cards in life but one has to know how to play the right cards. It also has to be the right time to play that card.

19

CHAPTER THREE – Different Life

I’ve

been trying to get back, into the swing of things but

nothing seems the same to me. I see the world much differently now and probably always will. I now find it to be cruel and unfair. I have to look at it in a different prospective though because I did survive. I’m still alive and living life. Some women are just not that lucky and they end up being viciously raped and killed. As I said, I’m still here and alive. I may not be myself but I am here. It still haunts me though and I can’t get that smell out of my head. I sit awake at night thinking it over. I go over it and over it again, until I fall asleep. It just still seems so unlikely, that this could even happen to me but I guess I’m not any different from anyone else. It happened to me and it can happen to anyone. Your financial class or what you do for a living means nothing. It’s just the luck of the draw. And I was one of the many unlucky ones.

Michael and I actually had sex right after my week off from work. It wasn’t the same. I just couldn’t get into it without thinking about all that happened, in that bed of mine. I tried to act normal but the pain was still there in my body and my mind.

Nothing was feeling right about it. Not the sex or my lies. I was

hoping that someday, it would be right again but I’m just not sure about it. I could lie in Michael’s arms forever but would making love ever be the same. Would it ever be making love to Michael and not the memories of my rape? It’s just so unfair. I wish it never happened but it did and now I have to deal with it.

I haven’t told him or anyone for that fact, about my rape.

Oh my God, my rape, I never thought I’d be saying that ever and here I am saying it, living it and trying not to let it get the best of me. I have to move on and keep this secret forever. It’s just how it is going to be and has to be for me. God, please forgive me…I wish I could help all those victims out there but I can’t. I just can’t be the one to help. Anyway, I don’t even know who it is and probably never will know. He was pretty well hidden in his disguise. I didn’t dare rip it off of him to get a good look but I did think about it. I figured he’d beat me some more or even kill me, if I pulled it off of him. Who knows what he would’ve done to me. I had to play it safe and go along with him to survive. I know that sounds strange but it does work. If you give the attacker no ammunition, then maybe just maybe they won’t hurt you even worse or even kill you. You can only fight so much before it becomes evident that it doesn’t really work to your advantage. Especially when you’re my petite size.

So, Michael was here for a few hours today. We ate dinner together.

I

cooked

some

delicious

lemon

chicken

with

mashed

potatoes, my favorite and some creamed spinach, plus some creamed corn for Michael. He likes creamed spinach, but didn’t want that.

I’m a pretty good cook, if I must say so myself. My meals don’t always go together But I cook what I like and call it a meal. Michael liked it and that’s all that mattered to me, at the time. I just want him to be happy, as he does with me. If he only knew the truth, it would haunt him too. Michael Calloway is a lawyer locally and this would be too much for him to take. He’d want to prosecute, after we found the guy and that’d be really not in the cards to do. I just don’t know who it could be but I do keep thinking it over, in hopes of finding out that it is. Just trying to jog my memories and figure it all out. But it hasn’t worked so far.

We had a glass of red wine with our dinner and then I had made apple pie a la mode, which Michael engulfed a huge amount of. I guess since I’m so small, my stomach can only hold so much.

But it was still good and I did get a little bellyache but I didn’t complain about it. I just couldn’t help myself, because I did a really go job on the apple pie. It was exactly how sweet it should be and not too overdone. Anyway, after dinner we went and turned on some music on my stereo, in my bedroom. Then Michael put his arms around me and embraced me for a kiss. Well one thing led to another and we did make love. It was slow, gentle and passionate, as it always is but I just kept getting flash backs of that night I was raped. I kept going over it in my head while Michael tried to please me. I hope he didn’t notice that my mind was elsewhere and not focused on what he was doing to me. I mean it felt great but I was still sore in some areas, even after

weeks since it happened but I couldn’t tell him that. I just couldn’t. He caressed me and kissed me. It all felt so good but yet not right to me. It was different right now with all that has happened to me. I hope that feeling goes away, so I can get back somewhat to how things use to be.

Well, Michael left a little after 8 pm. I was tired but decided

I needed

to go

back into

the office.

I forgot

some

important papers; I needed to work on before bed. I knew it was a little ways to drive and all but I couldn’t sleep anyway. I decided to take Jack with me in the car and go for the ride. I knew it was silly but I was so scattered brained sometimes, forgetting things at work and I had deadlines to meet. I have so much

going on

all the

time that

I’m bound

to forget

things

sometimes. I needed my design drawings and other papers so I left.

I put Jack in the back of my 2012 black Escalade for the drive. He was happy to be out and about. Nothing seems to phase him. He is such a good dog. It just made me feel safe to drive with him at night. He likes to check out the scenes as we drive.

He seldom barks, unless someone comes up close to the SUV. If they come close then he finds them a threat and starts to bark plus growl really viciously. Otherwise, he is very tame and well behaved. He is just a protector. That’s why they use these dogs for Police K-9 because they are very smart and protect with their lives. And Jack fits the bill too. Unfortunately, he was drugged and unable to save me during my rape but I know he would’ve if he

could have.

I got to my Dalton Fashion Enterprises. I felt kind of silly being there so late but I had to do what I had to do. I’m in the position here that I can’t make many mistakes so if I have to compensate for my forgetfulness. I went inside the side door, which is down a small alleyway.

I entered the building where

Ralph,

was

one

of

our

security

men

standing

there.

He

was

drinking a coffee from Starbucks, my favorite place to pick up a quick coffee and a snack. I said Hi to Ralph, but wondered where Mark and Pete were. They were our other security men but I was sure they were at the front desk, located at the front of our beautiful

building.

Our

building

was

very

big

with

mirrored

windows on the outside. It had four great pillars, as you entered the front but the side entrance was easier for me to get to my office. The building was quiet as a mouse but I felt strange being there, so I quickly went down the hall, to the elevator that led me to my office. I wanted to collect, all that I needed from my desk. The halls and surrounding of the office, outside the actual office rooms is very neat and tidy. It is creamy beige with just a hint of pink in it. It’s hard to explain the color of the walls but I’d say beige with a pink accent. Then the floors are all marble like glass looking and they are a darker type of beige in color. It is really pretty but you’d have to see it to appreciate it. Then all the visitor furniture is also beige with pink accented pillows. They are all leather couches and chairs.

We have various sitting rooms for prominent business people and

then visitor areas within the building. We also have conference rooms, which I did not design or decorate but they are just beautiful. The one I use at times is Cameo white with all white leathers. It’s offset with some black and of course great artwork But by someone else, not my artist Paul Samson. Someone else had decorated, the rest of the offices. I think my other calling was interior designs but that makes sense as I design fashions.

They seem to be interchangeable to some degree. Both are a form of artwork I’d like to say.

Myself decorated my office, and I absolutely love it. It’s a sage green color, on the walls. I’m a big fan of the color sage. Then I have dark green leather chairs and a dark green leather couch, in the sitting area. I have the walls decorated with original work from Paul Samson, an up and coming new artist.

They are fantastic abstract paintings that I love. I now only buy his artwork and am helping to try to get the word out, about how good he really is. I have a huge black and brass desk with pictures on it of my family and also of myself with Michael. In the corner, there is a great large antique wood cabinet. Plus, I have a wood filing cabinet. I like to do a lot of things myself such as my filing. I do have an assistant; I don’t like to call her a secretary, as she is really my right hand gal here. Her name is Susan and she really does a bulk of my work. She really needs a raise. I could not survive here without her although, there are a lot of employees here that I feel the same about. But Susan is definitely top class and whom I can’t live without ever.

I got what I needed to take home with me and I hurried out the door. I went back down the hall and then I went back down the elevator, down that hall and out the side entrance again.

When I got out there I heard a small scratching from inside the dumpster. I was hoping I wouldn’t lift the door to it and find a rat or something gross in there. I slowly lifted the lid up and slowly rummaged through the dirty garbage. It was so disturbing, as there was food and all kinds of dirty things in there. I was trying to get to the noise and do it without ruining my clean designer clothes that I had on. I finally came to what looked like a very small kitten. She was a dirty white from this disgusting garbage dumpster, with a small tan area around her eye and a small tan spot on her tail. She looked like 3 months old or less. I figured she was either dumped here by some asshole, trying to get rid of kittens or her mama abandoned her. So, of course me being the animal lover, I had to rescue the poor thing.

I

took

her

out

and

tried

to

wipe

her

off

a

little.

Unfortunately all I had was my beautiful scarf to do this with but I guessed it could be washed or dry-cleaned and maybe it’d be like new. I took her out and she licked my hand. I figure she’d been in there for a while. She was very skinny, like me so, I took her and an empty box I found. I put the scarf down for her to lie on and I placed her carefully in the cardboard box. I closed it up but put a few holes in the sides for her to breathe.

She seemed happy to be out of harms way and on to a new life with me. Jack was not too happy in the back, not knowing what was in

the box but soon she let out a very whisper like meow and I knew it would all be fine.

I got home with the kitten and Jack. Jack went to his bed, as it was late. He seemed to care less what was in the box now and just wanted to sleep. I figured I’d skip his late night walk for tonight. He had gone pee on the way in, so I knew he’d be fine until morning came. I took the beautiful little kitten out of the box and first thing I washed her with warm water and some of my expensive shampoo in the kitchen sink. Her fur was a pure white when I got done, except for the two tan spots on her. She seemed so happy to be here with us. I found a can of tuna fish, until tomorrow. I had no cat food so I fed her a little tuna fish. She gobbled that down and lots of water. She ate a whole dish of it. Hopefully, she’ll gain some weight now. She was so very tiny.

I got out my old kitty litter box and found some old litter that I forgot to throw out. My cat, Lucky passed away a few years back and I never had the heart to throw out his things. I had cat toys and his bed plus the litter box. Lucky was a gray cat with tan, black and white on him. He was always very small and became sickly. He eventually passed away from his ailments and I just never had the heart to replace him until now. So, I filled the litter box with the little bit of litter that was left and put it in on my bathroom floor of my bedroom. The bathroom was large enough that I found a place in the large closet in there, where it’d be out of sight and the way of things in there. I figured

she’d stay in my bedroom, until she got bigger. I didn’t want to lose her in my house, as it was so big and she was so tiny. She curled up in my Lucky’s old tan and white cat bed, like she knew it was her new home. She belonged with Jack and I. I named her Heidi, short for Hyde. Since she was hiding in the dumpster Hyde seemed to fit her but Heidi was more girly to suit her. There I go with the animal nicknames again. But I have Jekyll and Hyde now, even if they are called Jack and Heidi. Oh Michael is going to love this one. At least he likes cats. He loved Lucky, so he will learn to love Heidi, as well. You can’t be with me and not be a cat lover too.

I crawled into bed but then Heidi decided to start with her little meows. I brought her new cat bed up on to my bed and placed her on my other pillow so she could see my face. She quietly then fell asleep and I found something so calming about this, that I too finally fell asleep within minutes. The first time, since my rape had happened. I got goodnights sleep and was so grateful for finding my new little gift from God. It’s amazing how the little of things, can make such a big difference in a person’s life. All it took was this tiny little creature, to put me to sleep tonight. I was hoping it would last and I’d just learn to sleep again now. I was at peace at least for tonight and I hoped I’d have some good dreams, not the nightmares I’d been having since the rape. Maybe this was the beginning of something good for me. Who knows only time will tell. I was lucky even to get one good nights sleep at this point so I would take it one

night at a time and go from there.

I woke up this morning, feeling refreshed and relaxed. It was the first good nights sleep in weeks. So, I decided I wanted to get out with Michael. I had been staying cooped up in my house, since the rape occurred. I called up Michael after 9 am, as he likes to sleep in on Saturdays. I asked him if he wanted to take a walk around the local park with Jekyll and myself. He said sure why not, as he didn’t have anything else to do today. Well, he always has cases to study and work on but I guessed he was making an exception for me. I figured I’d tell him about Heidi and how she came to be, when he got here to pick me up.

He took the news of Heidi well. He is use to me and how I am with my love of animals. So, it wasn’t really a complete shock to him that I would pick up a stray, out of a garbage dumpster no less. I had picked up stray cats before, as Lucky was also a stray I came across years before. I’m glad Michael is so very understanding

with me.

He is

such a

great guy

with so

much

overwhelming kindness. I couldn’t ever find anyone better for me than he is. He does everything he can for me and would be very hurt, that I was keeping such a big secret from him. But I had no choice and I just had to do this to him. I feel very guilty over it but what else was I suppose to do? It just had to be this way.

I always hated keeping secrets but none were quite this ever this extreme, in my life. This was just something I had to learn to deal with. That is, keeping this quiet from Michael and everyone else too.

Michael

and

I

went

to

the

local

park

with

Jekyll.

We

probably walked over two miles or so. There were beautiful ponds there and kids playing. To all of them, it was just another sunny day in their lives. To me it was a way, to try to forget what had happened to me weeks earlier. I was devastated but had to go on like this. My life depended on it. It seemed like a black hole with no real escape but I would search for one and find a way out somehow. We walked and walked until I had, had enough. I then sprung on Michael that I felt like shopping. He tried not to make that face he always makes. He knows shopping with me, is a bit extreme at times but he is good for a man, at dealing with my shopping antics.

We decided to take a short ride over to the White Plains Mall. It was better than going into the city, since I’m there all week long at work. I try to stay away from it on my time off, on the weekends. So, we brought Jekyll home and we were off to the mall for some real fun. Since money wasn’t really a problem for me, it made shopping a great release. I saw some great earrings.

They were gold hoops. I have three earring holes but only wear three

pairs

of

earrings

on

the

weekend,

as

working

in

the

business field; it was probably a bit too much for people. I actually bought three pairs of gold hoops. I bought one large pair for work and then two smaller pairs for play.

I then went to an upper class pet boutique, where I spotted a diamond necklace or rather collar for Heidi. She’d be an indoor cat, so she wouldn’t lose it. So, I bought it for her. It had a

bunch of diamonds around it and a pink heart stone in the middle, which would hang down on her neck. I had the stone engraved with her name on it. Michael just rolled his eyes to that one, of course and we were off to get some lunch. We stopped into this great Italian restaurant, Castalonia’s, which is known for it’s wonderful

pizza.

We

ate

pretty

fast,

as

we

must

have

been

starving from our two-mile walk earlier.

I then went to Neiman Marcus to find some clothes. I know I am a designer but I do like to reward myself with clothes by other designers. I like to have other clothes, not just my own. I like a wide variety. Michael was good with this part of shopping.

He liked to tell me if the clothes looked good on me or not and was honest with his opinions. I bought two pairs of great jeans, with three blouses that matched them. I also bought two pairs of matching stilettos. Plus, I had to get some dresses for work.

Although, I happen to mostly wear my designs to work. I can just imagine my clients, if I wasn’t wearing my own designs, talking behind my back about it. I shouldn’t care what people think so much but in this world you kind of have to. It was sad but true people do talk and I can almost hear the whispers, as I walk down the hall at work. It gets rather annoying to pretend that you don’t hear them. I want to turn to them and say excuse me did you say something to me. But I can’t so I turn a blind eye to them and the situation. It’s just how it goes sometimes.

Something strange did happen while I was at the mall with Michael. Michael went to look at a Rolex watch in the jewelry

store, so I went about five or more stores down. I wanted to look at more shoes. On my way back to meet Michael, I smelt that familiar cologne smell. It had rushed by me. I almost passed out from the thought, that this could be my attacker. I ran as fast as I could, towards the people and that smell. I was trying to get to him, to see whom he was and if I knew him. I ran and ran but couldn’t catch up to him and that smell. I actually ran right into Michael and he asked me if I was okay. I said yes that I just thought I saw someone I knew. But I’m sure my face, was as white as a ghost. I felt the blood racing in my veins and I just couldn’t believe that I almost ran into the man, who I thought attacked me in that vicious way. I couldn’t tell Michael but I think he saw something was wrong in my face. Could that have been my rapist? I may never know now. That was probably my only shot, at figuring out who did this to me.

Well, I told Michael I was done with our shopping excursion and we decided to go back home to watch a movie. I was hoping Michael had enough sex yesterday, to hold him over. I just wasn’t really in the mood, to do it again so soon. It was just too hard to make love, in the same bed that I was raped in. I think that was the major problem with it. Maybe I should try to do it in the living room, with him the next time and see if I could focus better on him. Would this ever get any better for me or was I just stuck, in this place forever? If I only knew what was coming my way, I’d be shocked at it!

Michael

did

decide

to

sleep

over.

He

usually

does

on

Saturday nights. I enjoy my Saturdays with him, as it’s the most time we get to spend together, during the week. I try and so does Michael to make Saturday our day together, even if we both have to catch up on work together before bed. Although it may seem weird, it is always very relaxing working side–by side. I work on my designs and client stuff, while Michael works on his legal cases. I can imagine how great our life will be, when we get married and live together. I’m sure we will live together before we get married and I know we will have a wonderful life together.

He is just perfect for me and he puts up with me too. I can see us getting old together, playing with our grandchildren. Oh and a hundred or so stray animals living with Us. Well, maybe ten or so. I just can’t help myself, when it comes to the rescuing of animals. They are so sweet and really do relax you. They calm my nerves. I love Jekyll and I love my new Heidi. The collar looks great on her.

I almost forgot I bought this great mahogany wood chair with a tan and pink cushion to match my room. I thought I’d put Heidi’s cat bed on it, for her to sleep in. So, it’s actually Heidi’s new chair for our room together. Once she grows older, she can find her own space in the house but for now she can sleep with me. She has the brightest and biggest green eyes that you ever did see. I can tell that when she is looking at me, she is thanking

me

for

saving

her

life.

She

probably

wouldn’t

have

gotten out of the dumpster. The trash men would have picked her up and crushed her while dumping the garbage into the truck. I

know I always look on the bad side of things but who knows?

Either way I feel I saved her life and I know she is grateful to me for that. I had a great day on Sunday with Michael. We just spent the day eating and enjoyed each other’s company. It was a quiet day, with no distractions for us. Michael had left after my Swedish meatball dinner, which is actual my own creation, as I don’t make it with the regular creamy white sauce but rather beef gravy instead. So, it’s actually not Swedish meatballs but I call it that. I cook the meatballs by hand and then use the crockpot all day; to cook them until were ready to eat. I serve them on lots of egg noodles, topped with some cheese and also with garlic Italian bread. You can use any type of cheese and it will taste great. I love my cheese but it is the worst thing for weight gain. It’s one great meal that really fills your belly. He loves it.

Then after Michael left my phone rings. I answer, as it’s my Mother. “Hiya Mom!” I say.

She says “Hello Sammy Dear…I wanted to see how you were doing and ask a favor of you.”

I replied, “ I’m doing great Mom. Michael and I just ate a wonderful dinner and he just left to go home. What were you needing to ask me?”

My

Mother

asks

me

if

I

can

take

her

to

her

Doctor’s

appointment tomorrow, in the early morning.

“Mom I have a very important meeting, regarding the fund raiser but I know you really need a ride to see your Doctor,

about your legs. So, I can get Jared to stand in for me at work, while I take you and I’ll just go in later on in the day. What time do you need to be there, as I know it’s an hour drive or so?” “ I need to leave around 9:00am if you don’t mind, really I can cancel it” she says.

I told her that I’d be glad to take her and that it was no problem to do so. Her legs are so really bad and she finds it hard to get a quick appointment with this Doctor. He is always so booked up for months at a time.

So, I plan to take my Mother in the morning. I get a good bath and plan on a good sleep. I can sleep a little later than usually, since I’m taking her. I settle down for the night with Heidi, by my side and Jack downstairs in his bed.

I wake up thinking about my drive, with my Mother. She knows I’m not myself, I can tell by the tone of her voice. She can read my face like a book. I have to put on a good show for her today. I don’t want her to know anything is wrong with me.

She’s a wonderful woman but this would just eat her alive, like it’s already doing to me. I took another shower; I just like to feel clean when I leave. My baths are for relaxing but my showers are for the need to feel fresh and alive before getting my day started. I love putting powder on and lotions to smell good. I don’t

understand

people

who

don’t

care

about

their

personal

hygiene though. I guess they don’t care about themselves. You are perceived in life, as how you present yourself. If you look good

and carry yourself a certain way, then the world will see you that way too. It’s just how it is. If you hold your head up high, like you think highly of yourself, then everyone else tends to look at you that way too. It’s a nice feeling to feel.

I arrive at my Parent’s house around 8:45am and my Mother isn’t ready to go, as usual. I know it takes her at least fifteen minutes, to get out the door and into the car with her crutches in hand. Her legs are just that bad and it’s so sad to see her ailing in so many ways but at 60 years old, I guess it comes with the territory for some. My Father seems a lot healthier to me, even though he has asthma and a heart disorder. He still moves pretty fast for a 65 year old. He still works hard around the house

on

his

gardens,

lawns

and

automotive

endeavors.

Plus,

anything else he decides to tinker around with. He always keeps himself busy, that’s probably why he seems in better shape. My Mother can’t get around much, sits a lot and rests a lot just doesn’t do too much because she can’t. I know it’s hard for my Dad, to get her to all her appointments and meetings so I do tend to try to fit them in when I can.

We’re off to the Doctor’s once I get my Mother up and in my large Escalade. I know she hates trying to get into that thing but it’s what I drive now. I love it; it’s just a great vehicle to drive with all its luxuries. It’s just a big jump for her to heave into. She is small in stature like me but the legs have to swing up and it’s just a hassle for her to get into it. I could borrow her Mercedes Benz but I just rather drive my vehicle. It’s

what I’m use to.

Right off the bat my Mother says “What’s wrong with you, my Samantha, what’s wrong?”

I say “Nothing Mom, why?”

“You just look different to me, like something is troubling you? Your face looks sad and frail.” My Mother replies.

I just told her once again; that I was doing great and everything was fine.

“But

is

something

wrong

between

you

and

Michael?

I

know

something is bothering you, I can tell.” She said.

“Nothing is wrong Mother, I’m doing great as usual. Work is fine, Michael is fine and I have a new little kitten that I rescued. All is just great, I swear.” I replied in a dissatisfied tone.

Her face was puckered and questioning. It was obvious she didn’t believe me but she then left it alone for that moment anyway. We drove most of the way for the hour then in silence, which after that I was glad for. We arrived and I did my usual thing. I took her into the Doctor’s office and waited for the Doctor to see her. I then went out to the car for an hour and a half to read my People Magazine out there. I hate waiting on anyone or anything but reading helps to kill the time. Then I went back in and waited for her appointment to be over and took her home. She seemed as though the meeting with the Doctor went well. Although her blood pressure was high at 215/117 but he gave her

some

medications

for

that,

as

well.

Plus,

her

monthly

injections into her legs, to alleviate the pain and help her to walk better. But she still seems to use the crutches even after the shots were given. I often wondered why she didn’t use a cane or a walker of sorts. I guess that she felt more supported by the crutches, that she used for her legs. Who am I to judge, until I walk a mile in her shoes?

My Mother was my hero. I loved my Dad but it is different with a Mother’s love. I was very lucky to know, what that felt like. She was a good Mother when I was growing-up. We spent a lot of time together doing things and she never played favorites between us kids. She treated us all the same way. That was the best thing ever. To know you are loved for who you are and what you have become is a great feeling.

My Mother told me how proud she was of me, all the time.

It’s nice to hear that and I always made sure to let her know, just how much that I loved her. We had a very good relationship and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

It saddens me to see her failing health. I know she doesn’t let on, to just how bad it is. I do know, all on my own. We aren’t

blind

to

it

and

we

do

notice

it.

We

just

don’t

say

anything that might upset her. She has many Doctor’s appointments and we all just hope for the best. I hope someday, she will walk again like she use to!

63

CHAPTER FOUR – The Package

I

dropped my Mother off to her house, which is about a half

mile down the road or so from mine. We live close but not too close, if you know what I mean. I love my Parent’s and family but I do like some distance, some of the time. So, this was the perfect fit for both of us. They have their life and I have mine.

I arrived to my gate and noticed a medium sized tan box lying next to my gate. I got out of my Escalade so happy thinking it was my Amazon order, which had come early. But then I noticed no Amazon labeling or a return address on the package. It was definitely not from my favorite Amazon place. I placed it into the SUV and drove up my long driveway, anticipating opening it right away. I carefully brought it inside my house and up to my bedroom. I was only home to get changed out of my casual wear to my business attire, before going into work late.

But I couldn’t leave without finding out who sent this package and what was in it. I loved getting packages but this one was very strange to me. It was an unsolicited one. I hurry to open it on my bed, so I can get on my way to work. It’s so weird.

I find two pairs of shiny silver handcuffs, one silver and black silky scarf, which matches my black and silver thong panties.

These were my thongs from the night of the rape. The ones I was going to wear after my shower, before getting dragged out by my

hair. Oh my God, that bastard took them and that son of bitch sent all this crap to threaten me! What a perverted pig you are.

Then I noticed a note on a tiny piece of pink parchment paper. It said, “’TIL WE MEET AGAIN – I CAN’T WAIT!!!” What a sick bastard, once wasn’t enough for you? He is planning on coming back to rape me again. What the hell? He is stalking me, but why? Now I was out of my mind with fear. I had to do something before he could get to me.

I couldn’t tell anyone but maybe I was going to have to.

How else was I going to stop this and how was I going to go to work acting normal? How was I going to do that? I can’t believe this. Once wasn’t good enough for this sicko. What the hell did he want from me? Maybe he planned this all along. Let me think, I was safe and he wasn’t going to kill me. Then surprise me like this with the package and come back to kill me this time. What was I going to have to do to stop this? I wasn’t going through this bullshit from this monster again, no way, no how, never again! I placed the package on to the top shelf in my closet, knowing that wouldn’t make me forget about it. But I liked it to be out of sight for the moment. Why I didn’t throw it away, I don’t know.

I went to work knowing things are definitely taking a toll on me but putting on a good front is what I’ve learned to do this last month. I haven’t told a soul and that’s how it is going to be. I’ve been tempted a bit to tell my best friends but I’ve yet to chalk up the courage to do so. I’ve known Amber and Jovana

most of my life but trusting anyone with this is not going to be an easy thing to do, so I just haven’t gone there. Plus, if you tell Jovana, then she tells her boyfriend, Tyler and this is how it all gets spread around. It goes to one person and then to another. Everyone gossips nowadays, they just can’t help it and this is something big that makes it worse.

Work was horrible today, even though it was a short day.

I’m taking most of my work home tonight to finish. I have a twenty-four

hour

deadline

on

five

fashion

articles,

due

like

yesterday. We do a bi-weekly newsletter at Dalton Fashions. It’s for business people and consumers plus all our employees. I got most of the bulk of the work this week, like I have nothing better to do with my time here. Being CEO you’d think they’d understand

I

have

more

important

things

on

my

plate.

But

nonetheless a lot of employees don’t seem to be pulling their weight, on the newsletter this week. So, here I am creating my fashion

designs

while

writing

five

articles

for

a

stupid

newsletter plus, bailing on my responsibilities for a charity function that I’m really a big part of. I thank God for Jared and all his help. At least someone that I can count on for some support around here. Or else nothing would get done. I got home but not until after 9pm. That leaves me little “ME” time and not so much time for finishing my work, if I’m going to get any sleep. By the looks of it, I’ll be up all night long. I keep thinking someday things will calm down and I’ll live a normal life, whatever “normal” is. But I doubt it in this world that my

family has created for us. It’s just a rat race that never ends.

It’s a very good thing that I enjoy what I do and have the energy to do it.

My house always seems weird now. I don’t know if it’ll ever feel quite the same to me. It’s actually the same; I’m just different now. Its quiet maybe too quiet but then kids and noise wouldn’t make me so happy, all the time either. I want kids some day but at 28 with a great time consuming career, it’s just not time yet. I think I want to wait and be an older Mommy to some kids. Well, maybe just two or one even that I can spoil royally.

Who knows but I figure that God really decides the right time, in your life. When it’s the right time after my marriage to Michael, of course then we will know it. Were still young yet and have time for that sort of thing.

Well, it’s strange but I thought I heard some sort of music playing and pitter-patter of feet upstairs. My heart sank as the thought of that perverted bastard, being in this house again. He won’t get to me this time. I won’t let him. I take Jack by the collar and I slowly walk up the long staircase one step, two step trying not to creek them as I walk, five step, I’m almost to the top now and then I hear the bathtub water running and there is a slight flickering light coming from under my bedroom door. Holy Shit, he is here again? What the hell? I should just run and run away fast as my heart, is beating right out of my chest. I go slowly down the hall; the wood floor creeks and I stop. Breathe Samantha, just breath… you have Jack your fine.

I continue to the room and can’t believe I’m doing this now. I reach into my purse and pull out a 9mm pistol fully loaded. I bought this today, for 100 bucks at a pawnshop. No one is

ever

getting

to

me

again.

I

feel

powerful,

brave

and

untouchable, with this shiny piece of black metal in my hands. I let go of Jack and held on to the gun tightly. I was ready for whatever was coming from behind the door. No one would ever expect this of me. I’m packing heat, Samantha Dalton, what a joke they’d think but they don’t know my secret. I pull off the safety and hope I’m doing it right, the way the man in the pawnshop had shown me. I have never held a gun, let alone shot one. Who do I think I am? Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde? I’m nuts that monster has made me go crazy. Well, now he will know the fear he put into my head and body. He will now run from me. I couldn’t run but if he knows what’s best for him, he’ll run and keep on running. I should shoot him in the balls and then throw him out the door, after I let Jack chew on his ass for a while, that piece of lowlife shit of the earth. He makes me sick and now he is going to pay for what he did. It’s his turn now!

I walk to the door barely breathing and it feels like my heart has stopped. I feel dizzy, insane and out of reality for the moment. Get a grip, Dalton you got the advantage this time around. Don’t back down, don’t be scared, take control of the power that god has given you. I don’t want to kill the bastard; I don’t think I could kill anyone. I want him to suffer in pain that last a whole lifetime. I want him to feel all the pain that

he inflicted on other women until he dies. Killing him would be too

quick.

It

wouldn’t

hurt

but

for

a

second

but

suffering

though, that could last a lifetime. It sounds like just what he needs now doesn’t it? Hmm, now open the door Dalton, open the door and give him what you got! I pause a second, take a deep breathe and oh my god the door opens up before I can open it.

I nearly pass out when I see that it is Michael standing there on the other side, with my 9mm planted on his chest.

“Michael?” I say without breathing. “What are you doing here, it’s only Friday?”

“What the hell am I doing here? What are you doing with that fucking gun? Who are you? Samantha what the hell is going on with you?”

“I’m Sorry” I say cowardly “I’m so sorry” “You almost killed me, Samantha. What were you thinking and why do you have that damn gun?”

I didn’t know how to reply to all his questions and we just stood in silence, for a few minutes while I tried to concoct a story for him. Oh my god, with the stories Samantha. It never ends. The problem was that there 71

was no story that I could tell him, that would work except the truth? They say the truth will set you free but in this case that won’t

work.

I

search

and

search

for

something

to

say,

with

Michael just staring at me in utter disgust. He has never ever

looked at me the way. He is looking at me now. How on earth do I explain this to him? The truth will hurt him more than a lie but I’m not sure I can keep going on lying to him now.

He brings me into my room and sits me down on my bed. He says “Sammy please talk to me, tell me what has gotten into you.

Please just tell me why you have this gun and what the hell is wrong with you. You know you can tell me anything and I won’t judge but something is wrong. It has gotten out of hand for you.

You need to come clean with me and I won’t be mad, I promise you that. Please!” He is begging me with those bright blue eyes and his caring nature. So, how can I continue to lie to this man, how? I start to cry giving myself some more time to think this over, as I probably only have a few agonizing minutes to decide my fate and how this is going to play out here. I cry and I cry while he holds me in his big arms. I feel like a piece of shit lying to him but it’s my secret to keep.

“Michael, I was just scared. I thought I was being stalked or something. I kept seeing or feeling things. I wanted to be safe in my own home” So far no lies, I thought that was good. But how far do I go with this. I thought I’d tell someone, like my best friend but not Michael and not like this, not now. It’s just too soon to talk about it for me. I just want to wait longer, like a lifetime longer.

“So, do you understand Michael, do you get why I got it?” I murmured.

He

just

looked

at

me

questioning

me

with

his

eyes.

He

wanted more of an answer from me. I couldn’t do this right now.

It

didn’t

seem

like

the

right

time.

I

didn’t

even

know

my

attacker. He’d want to know everything and where he lived. I knew nothing except that he was the devil’s son. A sick perverted bastard who preyed on woman. My innocence was gone about the world and I didn’t want to talk about it yet, especially to Michael.

“Would you like a cup of tea maybe? Then we can sit down and talk about this and you can tell me the whole story. And stop trying to protect me from the truth, of whatever is going on with you? You almost shot your boyfriend. Do you get that? Oh my God Samantha, you almost killed me!”

I cried that “Yes, I would love a cup of tea and then maybe I can talk more to you about this but I don’t know.”

Michael left the room quickly with an urgency to get my tea. I was just buying time trying to figure this all out and how I was going to proceed. What I was going to say to him. He wants to know but it’s just too much right now. I can’t do this to him.

I love him too much to hurt him. He knows that too.

Michael would be back in a few minutes. Honesty is the best policy…hmm? My Mother always told me that and I believed it but this was so different. All hell would break loose, if I told Michael. I don’t know exactly how he would react but it won’t be good. I really want to protect him. Then I finally took a look around my bedroom, where I was sitting up right on my bed, with

tear filled eyes. I realized Michael had set up white roses, in a vase on my dresser and red roses in a vase on my small round wood and brass table, that was set next to Heidi’s new chair. Was it one of our anniversaries and I had forgotten? No, I never forget any special occasions. Why the special night, though? Then I noticed all the candles, around the room were lit and the ones around my bathroom. Plus, he had filled the tub full and put on my jets. He knows how I love my baths. The music and everything so

carefully

laid

out

for

me.

He

is

great

like

that,

very

romantic and such. But right now, I had to get a grip on things.

I had more important stuff to worry about.

I was feeling sick to stomach now and getting pains in it.

Oh my god, I feel like I’m going to puke from all this. I can’t take it. It’s getting to me now. I feel it coming up my stomach and into my throat. I run to the bathroom, almost missing the toilet. I throw-up my guts, three times in a row but two times is just dry heaves, as I don’t have much in my stomach. I finally stop,

I

feel

better,

no

pains.

I

wash

off

my

face

with

a

washcloth and go back to the bed. I lie down on it, as I’m still a little dizzy.

Michael was now coming back into the room. He was holding my very hot tea, in my favorite tea cup with its saucer in hand.

He had also brought my favorite cheese Danish, on a matching china plate. Now what? I told Michael that I puked and I will have the tea a little later. So he sits it on my nightstand, next to the bed. I have no choice but to make a very quick decision.

Do I heed my Mother’s advice or go the route, with no ending.

Which is a very long road of destructive deceit and lies. I had a good instinct that it was about time, to clear the air with Michael and come clean to him. I didn’t really want to or look forward to it but I did almost pull a trigger on him and shoot him right in the chest. I kind of felt I owed him the truth. Now or forever may I hold my peace? Breathes Sam, just breathe. I almost felt a sigh of relief coming from me. That someone would finally hear my words and know my pain. It might just be the right thing.

Michael sat lovingly beside me, with his hand clenched over mine. His eyes wide with that questioning look again. Wondering if I’d tell him the whole truth or not. I would but this wasn’t going to be easy for either of us.

“Michael what was with all the flowers and such? We don’t have any anniversaries right now.” I said quietly.

He said, “It’s really not what’s important right now. I just wanted to show you how much I love you is all. We really have other things to worry about and discuss right now. I love you; Sammy and you are the most important aspect of my life. I would do anything for you. I want to protect you. You didn’t need that gun, you needed me here with you, where I belong.”

“Michael there is so much to explain. I didn’t want you to find out like this. I didn’t want to buy the gun but I just had to. You know that’s not like me. But my life has changed now and I was so scared. I have never been so scared as I was today, this

afternoon. I’m sorry.” I had regrets in my eyes, while saying all of this. Michael hugged me tight.

Michael was anxious to hear what I needed to tell him.

“You can tell me anything, Sammy. Please don’t shut me out.

Let me find a way to help you. Please.” Michael was sincere.

“Michael it was horrible, it was disgusting and degrading.

I can’t even explain it all. Why’d it have to happen to me?” and I cried.

Finally, I let it all out through my erratic cries. I told him everything even about today’s package and the note. I told him all the horrible details. I told him how I lied about my trip for that week or so. Michael just sat there with a blank look, then he cried for a very long time holding me tight in his arms.

After about an hour he got mad, very angry wanted to go get this guy. Who was he? Where did he live? What did he look like? And then where can I find him? I told him I knew nothing but the scent he was wearing. He told me to think about it, figure it out. I have been doing that for over a month now. I thought about it day in and day out.

“We will find a way to get past this, Sam. We will make it.

I love you and can’t understand why this fucking bastard came into your house. Why’d he pick you to do this to?” Michael was searching for answers, just like I had been doing all this time.

I knew he’d react in some terrible way but we would get through this somehow, someday. Michael thought he should move in right away but we’d sleep on it and talk about it another time.

I’d feel safer with him here but who knows if it was the right move.

We blew out the candles in my bedroom and bathroom. We emptied the tub for another time. We lay in the bed together, all snuggled up in each other’s arms. Michael held me all night long.

We really didn’t sleep much and he kept asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. We just listened to the music playing on my stereo. Sometimes Michael would sing the love songs to me. He has a really good voice and it actually did soothe me. I wondered if Michael would always feel the same way about me now or if I’d seem different to him. I knew we’d always still be together but would it be the same as it use to be or just different.

I hurt mentally now and poor Michael has to go through it with me. But I feel a little better now to get it off my chest. I begged Michael not to tell anyone and he agreed that it was best to keep this between us always. He does usually know what the right thing to do is. Although, I think he’d strangle the scum, if he could get to him. All the legal knowledge in the world doesn’t change the fact that Michael is human and has feelings like

everyone

else.

He

could

hurt

this

man.

That’s

not

his

personality but when it comes to me, it’s just that way. I think most people would understand and want him to be hurt or worse.

We’re all just human and that’s the nature of our beings. I hope he rots in hell, where he belongs. Burn Bastard Burn!!! God, please forgive me, Samantha Dalton for I have sinned!