Insights and Observations on Raising and Educating Boys
by Headmaster Paul Krieger
Contents [4]......Cultivating Hope [Summer 2015] What Boys Still Need to Know [Winter 2017]......[6]
[9]......What Makes Christ School Unique [Summer 2017] Learn to Own it [Winter 2018]......[12]
[16]......Christ School and College [Winter 2016] The Reason They Choose to Come Here is Not the Reason They Choose to Stay Here [Winter 2019]......[21]
[30]......Boys Have Feelings, Too! [Summer 2018]
Foreword by Reverend Kirk Brown
Odd though it may first seem, the most effective headmasters are often those who have not forgotten what it means to be a boy. Serving in the role of scholar, mentor, and elder certainly has its place. But remembering how to play, how to laugh, how to struggle making friends or making sense of life itself are qualities that truly allow a sense of connection with adolescent boys. Since 2003 when he took the reins as headmaster, and while growing Christ School into the thriving independent boarding school it is today, Paul Krieger has never lost sight of making the boys his first priority. His open-door policy, his presence at campus events and athletics, his tradition of welcoming students and advisees to his home for lunch and basketball at Krieger Court – even his willingness to create a spontaneous Headmaster Holiday on an unusually warm and sunny February day – all he does speaks to how attuned he is to the boys and how dedicated he is to their growth and success. Thanks to such leadership, hundreds of graduates have left Christ School feeling listened to and valued. In return, he has won their undying respect and admiration. Over the years, Mr. Krieger has passed along his insights and observations on raising and educating boys in his “Letter from the Headmaster” that begins each issue of the Christ School magazine, The Galax. What follows is a collection of many of those letters, presenting timeless wisdom for generations of Greenies past, present, and future. What a distinct pleasure and privilege it has been to work alongside and learn from a master.
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Cultivating Hope Sometimes I sit back and think about the changes in our culture over the past 50 years, especially as it relates to our middle and high school classrooms. In so many ways, the tone and tenor of methodology has necessarily become more sophisticated and complex, demanding greater ethnic, historical, racial, cultural, and geographic awareness; and this is good. But with this complexity comes unintended consequences. Consider that today’s high school students were born around 2000, so they have grown up in the shadow of 9/11. The news has been filled with any number of wars and conflicts, waged with no sense of resolution or end in sight. A significant recession has occurred, which has meant job loss for relatives, while employment opportunities appear uncertain. Add to that the normal “storm and stress” of the adolescent years, and I think we can all agree that “reality” has done a commendable job of finding them. Perhaps our job as educators is to demonstrate that there are ways to combat hard times. We need to let them in on what increasingly seems to have become too much of a secret: there are ways to overcome life’s unpredictable and, at times, unfair obstacles. Faith, resilience, hard work, fortitude, and a healthy dose of optimism are countermeasures to most problems that have led so many to pessimistic resignation. These are critical core values that will not only endure, but will also provide hope for others. Clinical studies have shown that optimism is closely linked to academic and occupational success, as well as positive physical health outcomes, such as
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increased longevity and fewer emotional disorders. Those with an optimistic outlook are more likely to adopt lifestyles that promote health and happiness; they are more likely to experience more favorable outcomes while battling diseases. Given all these benefits, it is important that creating and cultivating an optimistic attitude in children begins early in life. The cumulative effects can be profound. Giving children hope is not only our goal, but it is our responsibility. Teaching boys about themselves through the experiences and stories of other very real boys and men is one key component to such development: boys and men, who, though flawed, somehow emerge selfless and even heroic, are important positive models of hope. Twenty years ago, when I taught a 6th grade honors English class, I was given the list of novels we were to read. First on that list was Shabanu, a Newberry Book Award winner. The story tells of a 12-year-old Pakistani girl, sold into marriage to an older man who already has three other wives. Rape, incest, murder, and poverty are all a part of her travails. There I was, teaching 12-year-olds about the big, wide world, hoping that they would learn to be empathetic to the plight of others. All I could really think about was the possibility of having to attend (with my young students) the post-traumatic stress counseling sessions that seemed sure to follow. Where was the hope? Where was the trajectory to something noble? What I now believe is that victimhood has become a theme so wide-spread in our culture and classrooms that I wonder how that translates into tomorrow’s adulthood. Bizarrely, it seems as if victimhood has become the preferred – or worse – desired state of being. Does this speak to a subtle culture-wide insistence that the sooner young impressionable adolescents learn what an unfair, corrupt, racist, evil, and mean world they live in, the more educated they will have become? We lack a balance between teaching “reality” and a healthy optimism that should be a guiding principle. If you want to broaden the minds of young adults, teach them first about themselves. That will create a launching pad to learn about and appreciate others. We will do well to consider the messages our students hear all around them, and then to provide them with the skills that will cultivate hope amidst all the despair. ■
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What Boys Still Need to Know It is not a stretch for me to say that my students are growing up in a very different world than I did. If we could transport the average 15-year-old Christ School freshman to my world at the same age, that would place him (us) firmly back in November 1969. That month, Wendy’s opened its first restaurant, Denny McLain won the AL Cy Young award, Lt. William Calley was accused of the mass murder of Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre, Apollo 12’s Charles Conrad and Alan Bean became the third and fourth humans on the moon, and The Beatles “Abbey Road” album soared to #1 on the pop charts. Though full, my life was a tad simpler. My family had two black-and-white TVs and one very public hall telephone for use by my seven siblings and me. Our news came in the mornings from The Newark Star Ledger and in the evenings via the CBS Nightly News with Walter Cronkite. Our milk was delivered to our back porch every Tuesday and Friday by Bill, the milkman from Brennan’s Dairy. I don’t remember fretting too much about friends, school, or my future. I was, as they say, entirely in the moment. If there were such a thing as “stress,” I was not aware of it. Today, the life of an adolescent boy has all the potential of being more frenetic, pressured, and overstimulating. On one side, there is the adult obsession of reminding their children to always have a college and career path in place; there is the often-repeated refrain of dire warnings that what a teenage boy does today will forever have a direct impact on his life 20 years from now; and there is also
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the ever-present importance of being a “player” on social media. Six months ago, one of our sophomores asked me if the school’s internet could remain on past 11:00 p.m. When I inquired as to why, he replied, “Mr. Krieger, I am 5’7” and 138 lbs. I’m nobody. If I am not active on social media – quipping, posting, responding, and making people laugh – I will be passed over by the cooler kids.” Yikes, and that’s supposed to be the fun stuff. Given the two completely different worlds separating our generations, I wondered what constants exist across the ages. Surely there must be some essentials, some time-tested attributes that are common for all teenage boys, regardless of when or where they grow up. So, after working for almost 30 years with adolescent males, I offer this brief list: LEARN TO BE GRATEFUL – No one likes a taker. We all have been the beneficiaries of someone else’s kindness, generosity, and wisdom. Learn to say “thank you” often, and even better, learn to put your “thank yous” in writing. HAVE FAITH – Learn to have faith in yourself, your mentors, role models, God, and the world around you. Faith is confidence turned into achievement and progress. DELAY GRATIFICATION – Learn to put off what is pleasurable today for a greater benefit sometime in the future. This is especially difficult for adolescents, as the process of maturity is not always complete until their mid20s. Delaying gratification is like making an investment. Payoffs will come with patience and time. DON’T PUT IT IN PRINT – Social media is a time bomb for today’s teenagers. EVERYTHING is traceable, trackable, and retrievable. What may be exhilarating today on Instagram is tomorrow’s pie-in-the-face. Your absence from Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat will not do irreparable harm to the world and may keep you out of the line of fire down the road. LEARN RESILIENCE – Life is dirty, unfair, unjust, prejudiced, vicious, and difficult. Therefore, do not allow yourself to think or act like a victim. Acquired
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victimhood is a one-way street and almost always in the wrong direction. The ability to pick yourself up and keep on trudging forward is the most necessary of skills. Only the people who possess this trait will discover true satisfaction, and if you’re truly fortunate, find happiness. LISTEN – Almost all of what we learn is from others. They inform us, teach us, and provide light for us – all of which are critical to our growth. So, be tolerant of others, embrace new ideas, and entertain differences of opinion. When you have done all of that, you can then stand firm in your convictions. DON’T WHINE – In my experience, there is nothing worse than a teenage boy who whines and complains. No one likes to associate with an excuse-maker. Teenage boys between 12-14 years old manned the Pony Express; boys 18-19 years old flew B-17’s over Germany in WWII. We know what boys are capable of. Leave the whining to toddlers. DON’T BE SORRY, BE RESPONSIBLE – Hold yourself accountable, because everyone else in your life certainly will. Why not show up on time, ready to work, with a positive attitude? It is far better than having to constantly say “I’m sorry.” Statistics indicate that you will probably live to be 87 years old, so learn to eradicate the phrase “I’m sorry” from your repertoire. Instead, make a plan, own it, and then be sure to follow through with it. LEARN TO GET COMFORTABLE WITH BOREDOM – With all the many diversions and distractions, your generation has such a hard time with this. Boredom can bring freedom, freedom from the need and habit of always being entertained. In my opinion, no one stuck in such routines ever created anything meaningful. It is often when you are bored that your mind begins to wander, thus allowing the shackles on creativity to fall by the wayside. It is then that fresh ideas, possibilities, and new directions will emerge. I am sure this list could be added to, but I am convinced that one reason for Christ School’s success is that it seeks to hold on to the values that have stood the test of time and have guided generations of boys into manhood. ■
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What Makes Christ School Unique This interview took place on September 8, 2016, on campus before the televised Christ School – Robbinsville High School football game. Mark Keady, broadcaster/ reporter for the local ABC affiliate, WLOS, interviewed Headmaster Paul Krieger during the pregame show. The following is the transcript from that oncamera interview. Does Christ School expect more from its students than other schools? I think the biggest difference in attending Christ School is that it's more than just going to a school. Here, boys have joined a community; they have chosen to join a group of other young men who are willing to move away from home and take a challenge, better themselves, and take responsibility for who they are and who they want to be. We expect and insist that every boy here be engaged – engaged in anything – whether it’s playing a trombone, running with a football, or leading a community service trip in New Orleans. Boys who arrive here and want to become invisible don’t do well here. What attributes does a boy need to have to be successful at Christ School? I think a boy needs three basics to be successful here. One is a sense of adventure. Life is so different now for a young man growing up today.
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I think society puts kids in a continuous state of virtual bubble wrap. Boys have an innate sense of wonder and have a natural romance with risk. Why not give them a venue for that to play out? Sure, they might bruise a knee or two, but they’ll survive and learn. Adults have to stop depriving our young men of that growth opportunity. Second, a boy needs courage. Courage is a developmental thing. All boys have it, some more than others, but it needs to be nurtured and promoted. Boys innately need to test themselves, they need to know what their capabilities are and what their limitations are. It is a test of their masculinity and that can be most frightening and most important. I heard an adage once "If you go, don't hesitate. If you hesitate, don't go." Courage, when acquired, leads to self-confidence – only then can a young man begin to achieve great things. Third, a boy needs faith: faith in himself that he can do this thing called Christ School, faith in his parents that they are guiding him properly with good advice and direction, and faith in Christ School, which has been promoting, mentoring, and growing young men for 117 years. How do you explain the dramatic growth in enrollment from 160 students 15 years ago to over 290 students today? We have had unparalleled growth here at Christ School over the past 15 years. Our industry keeps telling us that growth in the domestic market for American students is dead and that schools can only grow by adding international students. Additionally, data shows that the marketplace is shrinking for boarding schools. That has not been our experience. We have practically doubled in size while reducing our international exposure. 8.5% of our boys are international and come from seven different countries. These boys enrich our community and bring narratives from all over. How unique is it to have a boy down the hall from Toronto, Paris, or Dusseldorf? You don’t get that in a day school. Domestically, we have broadened our reach because parents and boys see our school and our community as value-driven, warm, authentic, and fun. Yes, fun. I have never understood why so many schools are so boring and dull. Why can’t a school be exciting? Companies found out 10-15 years ago that they must have vibrant and exciting cultures or they won’t attract the best and most innovative employees; why are schools so unaware of this?
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Outside of athletics, what are some of the special academic and extra-curricular programs you are most proud of? Academically, we have added Arabic and Mandarin to our World Languages Department, which have replaced French and Latin. We recently created an Engineering Department which has become enormously popular with our students. We are in a constant state of reevaluation, not only of what we teach, but even more importantly, of how we teach. How we deliver our curriculum is critically important to today’s student who cannot be taught like we were. Google has replaced rote memorization. We have enough information; the trick is, how to vet it and then fully utilize it. We emphasize group projects, working collaboratively, always with the focus on solving a problem. Problem solving involves building relationships, doing research, using trial and error, and engaging different ideas – some of which a boy may not have initially agreed with. As far as what am I most proud of in our boys? My answer would be creating a venue where teenage boys can be successful, where they can be themselves, and where they can grow up. Whether it’s building a Habitat House, getting an “A” in Mr. Harris’s Statistics class, or helping a younger boy who is homesick, those are the moments that are incredibly special for me and eventually for them. What is the popular misconception people may have about Christ School? Great question. I think the greater public may get its initial impression of boarding schools from Hollywood. The faculty are usually grumpy old men, except for one young English teacher who gets fired by the end of the movie; the students are sullen, unhappy, rich kids who don’t want to be there. If we were like that, we’d be closed. The reality is, we have boys from 18 states and seven foreign countries, which is far more diverse than your local public or day school. Also, our boys want to be here – a major difference from the common thought that boarding schools are places for bad kids who have run into some trouble. Now, I am not saying we don’t have boys who are a little skeptical and a little shy when they enter, but that may just be their style. Over time, they have proven to buy in quickly. It’s tough to pigeon hole or stereotype
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our students. We don’t have a "cookie-cutter," one-dimensional model of the perfect Christ School boy. We like individuality; we like a young man who has his own set of personality traits and quirks. What I want is for a boy who enters in 8th or 9th grade to become a 4.0 version of himself by graduation. We want growth first and foremost: academically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. We want a fully dependable, fully functional high school senior receiving his diploma when it is all said and done. A boy who can advocate for himself, a boy who can think for himself, a boy who instinctively thinks of the needs of others first, and a boy who isn’t afraid of opportunities. The young men here at Christ School are some of the most well-spoken, well-dressed, and well-mannered individuals when you meet them on the streets of Asheville. Does this come naturally to your students, or is this a representation of you and your faculty’s work here at Christ School? I am glad you have noticed. Our faculty, our houseparents, our coaches, and all of our employees have a hand in this, unquestionably. One of our parents recently described it as Christ School’s “secret sauce.” We take all of this very seriously. Teenage boys need to be civilized and socialized by positive role models or they’ll all end up like Huck Finn. For example, there is nothing worse than shaking a teenage boy’s hand and getting a weak grip in return. That tells me the boy lacks confidence, and we work on that. Every 8th grader has to shake my hand at the first all-school Assembly each year. They line up, and those who have a weak or an unmanly grip have to go to the back of the line and do it again until they get it right. A small thing perhaps, but that’s the level we get down to in growing our boys. A young man has to learn to be his own self-advocate, the captain of his ship. He’s got to be able to become his own resource in trying times and wean himself away from others who make all the decisions for him. Yes, mistakes will follow, and I love that. I worry about the boy who goes out into this world, never having made a mistake, never having tested his instincts, never having reached for the proverbial golden ring. Failing late can have more significant consequences; I say fail early and learn early. ■
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Learn to Own It I was on the golf course this summer, when my playing partner asked about one of our current students and how he was faring at Christ School. Honestly, the boy had a bumpy first year and I did not have glowing remarks. My partner’s response was, “Well, there’s a time in every boy’s life when he has to start keeping score.” Simple and to the point. Parents make almost every important decision in a child’s first 12-14 years of life, but adolescence can present different challenges for both parent and boy in this regard. Parents may be tentative to turn over the reins, yet boys can be eager, sometimes overly eager, to take command. There can be anxiety, excitement, and sometimes even fear in the anticipation of navigating this transition. I have seen this with my own three children and have witnessed it in thousands of other young men who have been under my charge. It has been my experience that you can tell them, show them, and even demonstrate how to take the reins so they can avoid missteps and mistakes, but most of the time that well-intentioned guidance is wasted. In the end, the boy must be empowered to take full and complete responsibility for all things that happen to him so he can truly own “it.” Much of my job is getting a young man to understand that everything that happens to him is his responsibility – and perhaps even his own fault. His behavior, his actions, his decisions – all of these are his to make and own. There is amazing empowerment that comes with that realization. When a teenage boy can stop seeking innovative ways
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to blame his teacher, blame the test, blame his roommate, blame the system, and even blame the weather, the barriers to growth and success begin to fade away. At that moment, he can become his own self-advocate and the captain of his own ship. This is an empowering realization that is crucial to adolescent development. SIX WAYS TO HELP BOYS LEARN TO OWN “IT”: • Stop waking them up in the morning – Get them an alarm clock and put them in charge of setting it. When they miss a few breakfasts, they’ll learn to take care of their morning routine. • Stop filling out their paperwork – If they want to go to summer camp, boarding school, or apply for an internship, make them complete the paperwork. Are they invested in their future, or is it for you? • Stop doing their laundry – This is a wonderful life skill. Boys like tactile activities. Mixing colors and creating pink boxer shorts? They’ll only make that mistake once. • Stop delivering their forgotten items – If they forget their homework or gym clothes, don’t deliver them to school. If you do, they’ll keep forgetting. • Stop making their lack of planning your crisis – Boys are notoriously bad planners; they like to act first, second, and third. When they put a halt to your day, you are rewarding their forgetfulness. • Stop always telling them what they should or should not do – Boys don’t respond to nagging adults. Pick your battles. Boys need to learn to figure out what they want and how to get it. Problem solving is one of the most essential life skills, so do not rob them of this opportunity for self-discovery. Have confidence they will grow up, trust they will move on, and resist the impulse to nag them along the way. They really will do just fine. ■
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Christ School and College One season that has always loomed large for our senior class is college admission. The college process conjures up many visons and images: the tedious application process, leaving home, arranging finances, emotional and academic transitions, campus culture and fit, and a healthy dose of good, old fashioned worry. As a father of three children currently in their mid-20’s, I look back at my parenting with a different perspective. At any given time during their childhoods, I often overestimated the importance of ordinary and normal events. I would find myself falling into the trap of overreacting by throwing up my hands over an insignificant action or decision that my eight-year-old had made. I would lament what the future might hold for him: “Oh, no, now he’ll never be able to get a job…” This was as untrue as it was premature. Having worn both hats, as headmaster and parent, I have been through the college process three times and understand how the experience can cause so much angst. Therefore, I am happy to share some unsolicited advice on “the college search” in hopes of bringing some clarity and balance to anxious parents and nervous students. • The transition to college is a beginning, not an end. Too often, parents and students confuse college placement with a kind of Calvinistic predestination – that life’s trajectory somehow hinges on this. Do not let society’s warped obsession with where a child attends college cloud the vision of your child’s future.
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• Colleges rarely make egregious errors in the admission process. I didn’t get into Yale when I applied in the fall of 1972 and there was a reason: I wasn’t qualified. I needed something else, and I continue to thank their admission office for its decision, which has positively altered my life’s direction. • Adolescents bloom at different stages of life, and different individuals flourish in different climates. Find the right fit, then all things are possible. There have been so many times in my life when I have had to rearrange the pages of my life’s script and play a part I had not originally expected, in a theater I hadn’t envisioned. College is one of those arenas. So, while setbacks are most certainly a part of life, success is determined by our ability to rebound from them. • College acceptance should not be a game of collecting pelts. Rejection can be disappointing but can also be liberating. Rejection lets you know where you stack up, and that is wonderful. It lets you know where the channel markers and limits are. The lesson that needs to be extracted from a college rejection is that it is merely somebody else’s opinion of where they think you are at that point in your life. And, ironically, the more selective the college, the more capricious the decision may appear. It does not correlate to where you will be four, 10, or 50 years from now. • Don’t let the college acceptance define who you are. Whether you attend an elite university, a community college, take a gap year, go into the military, or go directly to work, let that define who you are and not the bumper sticker on your Jeep Cherokee. There is nothing more boring, sad, and uninspiring than the 55-year-old who still defines himself by his alma mater. • In 1965, 53% of the Fortune 100 CEO’s attended an Ivy League school, while today only 7% of the current Fortune 500 CEO’s have. What happened? I suspect a realization that one can find a meaningful education in many places, for many reasons. It is far more important to graduate from the college that was right for you, to have tried new and meaningful things, joined organizations, and listened to opposing narratives and points of view. Only by doing those things will you grow as a student, person, and citizen.
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Christ School is not elitist and does not judge its boys with an academic yardstick or measure their worthiness by peering through monocles of materialism. So, too, is our view of college placement. Christ School is one of the few schools that proudly publishes, both internally and externally, each and every graduating senior alongside the college he has chosen to attend. It is now in vogue among independent schools not to identify graduates with their respective college choices. The reason often given is that it may make seniors who are attending “less competitive” colleges feel diminished. And who exactly decides which school is more or less competitive? How deplorable, when high schools, college counselors, and parents succumb to this mentality. Going to college is not just for the privileged, though it most assuredly still remains a privilege: an endeavor that was worked for, earned, and consequently deserved. Our job at Christ School is to ensure the readiness of each and every boy for the rigors of higher education, academically, socially, and emotionally. And our job is to help each boy find the right college where that can happen. That is our charge; that is our mandate. So, while there are many ways to skin a cat, let us all remember that college is merely one of them. Rather than feed our cultural obsession with getting into the most selective institutions – an attitude that distorts reality, hurts kids, and perverts education – let us instead celebrate the best fit for each boy. ■
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The Reason They Choose to Come Here is Not the Reason They Choose to Stay Here Over the past 118 years, young men and their families have been drawn to Christ School for any number of reasons. Some seek to engage in rigorous academics, develop better study habits, acquire discipline, or gain exposure to new interests with peers from all over the world. While others aim to become their own self-advocates or just plain toughen up. These are what we might call transactional motivations. While those same reasons may still attract, there is so much more that goes on behind our front entrance gate and so much more young men have extracted from their experiences here. It is rather the transformational attributes obtained here that set their experiences apart from what they had anticipated. They never imagined becoming a 4.0 version of themselves when they first arrived on campus. They will leave here as fully engaged, fully functional young men, ready for the world that opens before them. Below are just a few of the meaningful lessons they encounter here and hopefully ones that will set them apart. RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULTS – Think back to that one teacher, that one coach, that one adult mentor who believed in you before anyone else saw the light in your soul. Perhaps it was during a time when you felt dejected and awkward, when your peers who surrounded you appeared to be moving through life like a swift breeze and you were so very out of step. I suspect that
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each of us had that adult in our lives who saw the magic in us before we ever did; that adult who might have saved us from making a bad decision, who took an interest in us because it was simply the right thing to do, or the teacher who told us that our perspective mattered and that we were going to make it. Their smile and kindness encouraged hope and possibilities. We only needed one. I was lucky enough to have four or five, probably because I required that many to get me moving forward on the path of life. No technology, no gimmick, no social media post, no shortcut can ever serve as well as that respected, powerful, and believing adult who showed up in our lives exactly when we needed them. Boys find that here.
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VALUES – The importance of values in one’s life cannot be sufficiently underscored. Today’s celebrity culture may hold sway in society, but it is counter-cultural to the values that Christ School upholds. And it’s not just Hollywood; it’s professional sports stars, it’s the self-serving politicians (both right and left), the media, and people in positions of power and influence who prey on the naive and susceptible. The importance of character and values was recently brought back to the surface in the many tributes paid to George H.W. Bush. It was as if the media had just discovered there were these things called “values.” Character has always mattered: it is the very foundation of our nation and what defines a society. Issues divide, values unite. But we haven’t forgotten what character means, what it can do, and how it can hold a country, a school, or a family together. Christ School teaches tolerance, resilience, fortitude, kindness, and the dignity of manual labor. We inculcate into our school’s culture humility, service, and the importance of doing a task to its completion. As one boy from Texas said in his senior speech earlier this fall, “It’s important to stop acting like a 10-year-old and do your job.” Boys find that here. CONFIDENCE – Confidence is not a commodity like soybeans or pork bellies. It cannot be found on Amazon, nor delivered by clicking "Purchase Now." Confidence is an acquired trait and can only be gained by risking something when the outcome is in doubt. If you know you’re going to be an easy winner, get that easy “A” without putting in any effort, if you take a short cut during the race to cheat the field, no confidence will be gained, no meaningful experience can be logged. Confidence must be developed, it must be pursued with vigor and risk. A healthy dose of courage, faith, and a sense of adventure will catapult a boy to the starting line. Then, be prepared to fail, start over, and try it again. Some acrobats work without a net, others rely on one. Having confidence teaches us to leave the safety net behind. Boys find that here. RISK – Timidity tends to make cowards of us all. Boys are natural risk takers. Let’s not quash a boy’s natural romance with risk, because it will only lead to a fear of danger and a fear of failure. We wouldn’t have the United States of America if we grew boys (and girls) like that. We wouldn’t have electricity,
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grow more food than we eat, cure diseases that killed millions, be the most generous people on earth, who live with freedom and hope every day. We need to encourage young people to aim for what may seem to them impossible and not constantly remind them of what could go wrong. We need to tell them to go for it. One of the defining characteristics of successful people is their ability to distinguish constructive criticism from the catcalls of negativism by those whose only wish is for them to fail. Mentors of young people need to try and get to “yes.” Adults can too often get hooked on “no” which is then all that an adolescent hears. That is one sure way to kill potential, limit dreams, and encourage mediocre lives. As adults, whatever we hope and dream our children will be doing in middle age likely pales to what they are currently imagining for themselves. Educate them, push them, discipline them, empower them, and love them. Boys find that here. Singer Mary Chapin Carpenter has a song that speaks to a lifestyle of living life on your terms entitled, “I Take My Chances.” It reminds me of the benefits of not always playing it safe: I take my chances, I don't mind working without a net I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get I take my chances, I pay my dollar and I place my bet I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get I take my chances, I won't cling to remorse or regret I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get. A boy may arrive at Christ School with a modest set of goals. If we are doing our job, he leaves with a far greater sense of who he is and what he might become. And he leaves grateful for the relationships he has forged with faculty who care, with a keen sense of values that endure, with greater confidence, and with a healthy appreciation for taking appropriate risks. ■
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Boys Have Feelings, Too! It’s funny what you hear about boys, and I hear it from every sector: parents, relatives, friends, alumni, and faculty. I have learned much from these constituencies and have come to the conclusion that the subject of boys is a lot like politics: everyone seems to have an opinion. In today’s culture, everyone is quick to stereotype boys, especially the media which constantly focuses on attributes that are all too common – impulsive, risky, overly-social, and emotional. Yes, emotional. When we hear the word “emotional” and “boys” in the same sentence, our minds quickly jump to connotations such as anger, risky behavior, and perhaps even danger. I think those connotations and stereotypes are overly simplistic, limited, and unfair. Outside of the Innovation Lab in Wetmore Hall, Marcel Duhaime (our Engineering and Robotics instructor) has placed a chalk board with a simple and open-ended statement that is purposefully incomplete. “How Will You Change the World? I Will….” Any student can walk by and choose to complete the statement. I walk by this chalk board every day, eager to see what our students have posted. Some examples: I WILL help people solve problems I WILL open my mind more I WILL change my attitude
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I WILL speak less I WILL become Batman I WILL learn everybody’s name I WILL press the button that will take me to Graduation I WILL build an artificial liver I WILL change my perspective These seemingly random thoughts are as interesting as they are whimsical, but they often represent a window into souls – if even for a brief and fleeting moment. Boys are full of feelings, judgements, opinions, and fears. While girls appear to better articulate their feelings, and do so more concisely in expressing their emotions, boys tend to act out their feelings, both kinetically and physically. That can be at once thrilling and rewarding to watch, but it can also be awkward, perhaps even unpleasant. Parents and adults might be strategically placed in young men’s lives with the charge to educate, socialize, and civilize them. But after we have done our best, it’s time to sit back and behold what emerges. Boys also defy emotional gravity when it comes to relationships, which can both excite and energize at the same time. From my experience, boys actually thrive on relationships. Teachers who consistently show real and demonstrated interest in their students outside of the classroom can give a boy the confidence and emotional security that can change his perceptions and feelings. At Christ School, our boys feel safe; they trust each other; they trust the adults in this community – that’s why they share their emotions on public chalk boards, just part of the beauty and benefit of an all-boys school. Graduation this year was particularly interesting. In the weeks preceding it, more than a dozen seniors came to see me, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups. Sauntering into my office ostensibly just to “chat,” without an appointment, just to say “Hey,” it soon became apparent there was more to it. They actually did have something to say to me, and it usually took a few minutes for them to zero in. “I’m going to miss this place.” “You know, Mr. Krieger, I grew up here.” “This school has changed me.” “The reasons why I chose to come here are not the reasons why I stayed here.” And so on. All of this was their way of reminiscing, reflecting, and thanking. So innocent and boyish in nature and
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delivery, but also so heartfelt, and I most assuredly got the point. Ten days after graduation, I received a hand-written letter from one of our seniors who had been here since 8th grade. Below is an excerpt from that letter. “I did love every minute of my five years at Christ School. I never took a class I didn’t like, I never had a teacher I didn’t love, I never made a friend that I won’t keep for the rest of my life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of something so magnificent. Have a great summer and I’ll come back and visit before I leave for college. What a blessing, what fun, and what a ride.…” So, the next time you pass a young man and he gives you the standard "What's up?" or "Hey" with his customary head nod, look deeper, because there’s a lot more going on in that head and heart than first meets the eye. It’s our job to find it, provide a safe environment to unlock it, and then listen and enjoy it. ■
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Afterword by Paul Krieger
I have had the professional pleasure of working with young men over the past 30 years. In a strange way, these young men may have turned tables on me. Although they have officially been “my students,” more often than not, I have found myself sitting in their “virtual desks,” learning, growing, and maturing. Perhaps I am wiser due to age, or just maybe I have found wisdom in the countless experiences we have shared. Over the past 17 years, it has been a pleasure to write a few articles for The Galax about who our boys are, where they are, and what they need to become the finest versions of themselves as sons, friends, future spouses, and fathers. I thank our Board, our parents, and every Christ School boy for putting me in a position to witness, take part in, and have an impact on this momentous thing called “adolescence.”
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An Episcopal School for Boys 500 Christ School Road Arden, North Carolina 28704-9914