April 2021 Gloob (April Fools Edition)

Gloob Gutchewsky wanted him

GONE

DOHERTY DONE! You Won’t Believe the SHOCKING Reason Dr. Doherty is Retiring!

“All the news Dr. G couldn’t censor”

The GLoOb

VOL. 69 ... NO. 420

ST. LOUIS, MARCH, 2020

SATS MOVE TO TIKTOK

College Board has decided to move the SAT to a new TikTok format to accomodate students.

What does SAT stand for?

A. Something About Tacos B. Sadness And Tears C. Schoolwide Apocalypse Time D. Soul Abolishing Test E. Standardized Assessment of TikToking It’s a complicated history. Back in 1926, when the test was first introduced, the acronym stood for Scholastic Aptitude Test. The SAT was intended to measure a student’s natural aptitude for learning, similarly to IQ. As people began to realize that test scores could be improved through studying, and test-taking abilities weren’t fixed at birth, the name didn’t hold up.

So in 1993, the meaning of SAT was changed to Scholastic Assessment Test. Seems reasonable enough. That is, until you realize that “assessment” and “test” are synonyms, making the name redundant and virtually meaningless.

After the embarrassment of the Scholastic Test Test, the College Board called it quits.

Since 1997, SAT has officially stood for nothing.

Unless you count, “I SAT in this room for hours penciling in bubbles and now I just want to take a nap.” The standardized test may determine which colleges you get into, but don’t worry.

The SAT is meaningless.

Or at least, it was. After taking the SATs in March, Clayton High School juniors noticed how the test name had no actual meaning. They became outraged. Students used TikTok as a platform to raise awareness of the imposter acronym and sparked a movement that spread across America. The College Board was deeply troubled by the unrest among students. Officials listened to the outcry and came to a decision.

As of April 2nd, 2021, the SAT has regained meaning as the Standardized Assessment of TikToking.

That’s right. Next year, the SATs will be moving to a brand new TikTok format. College Board officials want to create a test that appeals to teenagers and assesses their ability to navigate a social-media filled future.

“Maybe math and grammar were important back in the day,” said College Board official, Getwith T. Hetimes. “But today’s generation doesn’t speak with numbers and letters. It speaks with crazy dance moves. Who even knows how they keep up. I’m still learning how to floss.”

New sections of the SAT will include Musical Literacy and Dance Move Application.

Questions will be displayed in the form of TikToks. Students will record music videos for each of their answers.

A sample question from the recently updated SAT prep app is as follows: “Jason has received a D- on his physics exam.

He wants to convey his emotional status to his friends. Which TikTok dance should he use?”

Since the content of the test will be drastically different than in years past, CHS is scrambling to make adjustments for next year. Several changes have been announced. A new class, Social Media Studies, will become part of the core curriculum. Additionally, the high school will implement “TikTok Time”—a 15-minute break between first and second period dedicated solely to producing TikToks.

Tutoring positions will also be offered to students with a minimum of a 1K video view average (VVA).

The College Board’s switch to a TikTok testing format may raise many questions, but for the first time in 24 years, SAT stands for something. Students can sleep soundly at night knowing that the test guiding their future isn’t just three random letters stuck together, floating aimlessly through their dreams, but instead is grounded in reality—the reality of TikTok.

NEW BIODEGRADABLE PAPER VAPES A new nicotine product is gaining popularity at CHS. A new vaping innovation has hit the CHS market: biodegradable paper vapes. These paper vapes, also called ‘cigarettes’, are disposable and all natural unlike popular vapes. One CHS sophomore commented, “I love the new paper vapes. I'm so happy I can continue my nicotine addiction without sacrificing my commitment to environmental activism! It pairs so well with my metal straw! #savetheturtles”

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BY DR. FAUCI JOE BIDEN SUEZ CANAL lim -> $5

STILL MARCH 2020

Scientists have discovered that it is still March of 2020.

After referring to several calendars, experts at the IPCC, the Intergovernmental Panel on Calendars and Clocks, have determined that it is still March 2020. “We’re still investigating the causes of this grave error,” said scientist Dr. Seconds. Daylights savings is suspected to be among the causes responsible.

SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH GIVEN UNESCO INTANGIBLE CULTURAL HERITAGE STATUS The recognition of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich was enacted to prevent the destruction of the long-held tradition of CHS cafeteria food. “The disappearance of an item with such historical and culinary significance would truly represent a great loss for humanity”, said the DirectorGeneral of UNESCO. Sources indicate that the same designation will be given to the Curly Fries as well.

DR. DOHERTY’S SHOCKING EXIT You may have heard that Sean Doherty is leaving his position as superintendent, but you haven’t heard the shocking truth behind his departure. The Gloob has conducted its own investigation, and uncovered what is sure to be the political scandal of the century.

In a secret memo sent out by CHS principal Dan Gutchewsky, it was revealed that Dr. Doherty has been covertly siphoning resources from the school for months. These include and are limited to the mango flavored yogurt from the break room fridge.

These are widely known for being Dr. Gutchewsky’s personal favorite. The memo goes on to say that Dr. Gutchewsky has been repeatedly forced to eat the blueberry yogurt as a result, which he states is “just not the same”. Doherty was caught in the act on hidden cameras, and the video evidence has caused him to resign. While the superintendent is no stranger to controversy, including the “Sloppy Joe” incident of 2018, this latest fiasco has proven to be his end.

Dr. Gutchewsky is expected to press charges against Dr. Doherty for “loss of brunch” and “hurt feelings”. Adam Jaffe is rumored to make an appearance as a prosecution witness, to shorten the sentence he was given when impeached for trying to illegally extend his term on the Board.

MOD PIZZA OUT OF BUSINESS After months of fundraisers for CHS clubs, MOD Pizza has finally closed its doors.

MOD Pizza, a favorite lunch spot for CHS students, has closed its doors for the last time.

The pizza chain blamed its closing on loss of revenue due to fundraising. Near its end, MOD was doing at least one fundraiser per week. The manager was heard yelling “For the kids,” as he carried the last box out.

SHOCKING SURVEY RESULTS THROW RETURN-TOLEARN PLANS INTO CONFUSION The Panorama Survey results have been truly unexpected.

NEW 4TH QUARTER SCHEDULE CAUSING ISSUES

After two quarters of separation, not everyone is reacting well to the change in schedules.

Students have begun aligning themselves into two hostile camps based on their former sessions, now known as the “Nooners” and “Morners”. “The school is staging an assault on all of us Nooners by making us adopt this filthy Morner schedule!” said an outraged student, Brodie Smithson.

“Think about it: both the superintendent and the principal have last names in the first half of the alphabet, and now we’re all going to school in the morning. It’s all a big anti-Nooner conspiracy!”

Principal Dan Gutchewsky refused to comment on the situation, but was later spotted with a “Morners 4 life” bumper sticker on the back of his car. Although some students have spoken out against the violence, they have immediately been labeled as “name traitors” and dismissed.

We just can’t do it anymore.

Third quarter, like this past school year, has been a disaster for both teachers and students.

Homework production has slowed down to a snail’s pace, while homework completion has virtually ground down to a halt. As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to upend the world, the education situation at CHS has been dire.

“It’s a disaster,” said one CHS teacher about the apparent unproductivity gripping the school. “I’ve never seen anything like this. Students and teachers are consistently late to class - even students online don’t show up until class is almost over! We had a Netflix party just yesterday when we were supposed to have a major chemistry exam! I don’t think I can take this much longer. This past year has been school-sanctioned torture.” Students have also shared similar sentiments and anecdotes about this past quarter.

“Look, I love school and all. But no one is doing anything! We’re mentally rotting in school.

Physically and mentally rotting! The longer school days that are planned next quarter doesn’t help this situation at all. We all need a mental vacation. We should cancel fourth quarter,” said one CHS student.

In the past few weeks leading up to Spring Break, this opinion and cry of despair has been infectious on and off the CHS campus - and the Clayton Board of Education has noticed. On March 28, the District Board voted to cancel fourth quarter for CHS to preserve student and staff mental health.

The decision to cancel fourth quarter was unanimous, as was the positive reception that followed this decision. Students and staff were relieved, while the approval ratings of the Board of Education skyrocketed. As this good news spread rapidly among the Clayton community, a new statement was released by the District Board.

“One of our goals as an administration is to promote and improve the mental well-being of staff and students throughout the CHS community. We saw the data and decided it was the best decision to cancel fourth quarter to achieve this goal. We know that Covid-19 has impacted all of us mentally in one way or another. We’ll be closely monitoring our other education facilities to determine if schoolwide cancellation is needed in those sectors. As an administration, we hope that other school districts will be inspired by our actions, as we crusade toward a mental health centered revolution.”

IMPEACH BOARDMAN! #freethetrudeaufamily

Clayton’s “Return-to-Learn” plans were thrown into disarray by the results of a new survey of the school’s students. While the survey was originally designed to determine if the average student found the school environment to be “Slightly Pleasant, Somewhat Pleasant, or Quite Pleasant,” it instead revealed that, if given the option, over 95% of CHS students would prefer to stay home and play video games instead of ever attending class. “This is truly unexpected development,” said one Clayton School Board member, “With this new information, we’re beginning to question the wisdom of even returning to school next year at all.”

FOURTH QUARTER CANCELLED

Paid for by the Clayton Board of Education GLOOB ii

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL A recent exposé published in US News & World Report uncovered some startling truths about the US college admissions system.

Although students applying to college often pay over $70 for each application, the article revealed that the admissions systems receiving those applications leave much to be desired.

Simply put, the admissions departments at many American colleges, including all of the Ivy League, consist entirely of gigantic hats filled with thousands of Ping-Pong balls.

Colleges explain that as online applications platforms like the Common or Coalition App

FLIGHT OF BIRDS PORTENDS GOOD AP SCORES

Putting aside their usual administrative duties, CHS principal Dan Gutchewsky and other officials stayed up late last Thursday, scanning the heavens for auspicious signs. It was with some relief that the administrators finally sighted a flock of seven crows traveling west, an augury that, in accordance with the sacred books, portends standardized test scores of an exceptional quality. “I cannot express just how thankful I am for this omen,” said Gutchewsky, “We all know how last year’s tests were ruined by the apparent shrinking of the sun’s disk just before the AP Microeconomics exam. I’m glad to say that this year, Fortune is truly smiling upon us.”

GLOSSENGER ABSENT FROM GLOBE For the first time in several months, CHS Economics teacher Daniel Glossenger was not quoted, or even mentioned, in an article of The Globe. “It was so weird ... I felt ... free,” said Glossenger, who agreed to be interviewed in this article of the Globe to make up for his absence in the last edition. (read more on p. 23)

LOUFEST 2021 LINEUP ANNOUNCED The beloved St. Louis music festival LouFest has announced that it will return in 2021.

Although the concert originally went out of business due to lack of funding, billionaire Elon Musk stepped in at the last minute to save the concert. “I just want somewhere for my lovely Grimes to perform,” said Musk. Other headliners include Charli XCX and CHS math teacher Kyle McCord’s band Dodging Potholes.

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become more prevalent, the increasing number of applications makes the hat-based system the only effective solution. “We’d like to give each application a fair and thorough examination, truly, we would,” explained a Harvard spokesman, “But the fact of the matter is, the current volume of applications makes the traditional system impossible. Currently, our only options are the ping-pong balls or plain old nepotism.” Proponents of the hat method (first developed at Cornell in 1979) argue that the system gives every student a fair shot at admission. “Every time our system receives

an online application, it counts the number of extracurriculars reported on the student’s file, and stamps an equivalent number of pingpong balls with the applicant’s name and ID number,” said a spokeswoman for the Yale admissions office, “These ping-pong balls are then funneled into a specially designed hat the size of an Olympic pool. At the end of March, we fish a few hundred pounds of balls out with an excavator, and the application process is complete”. For international students, many universities use a system of darts thrown at a large map to select successful applicants.

PECULIAR PICKLES PRODUCE POWERFUL PATRONAGE

Fixed to a barricade on an exit ramp from I-270 in St. Louis County, a jar of pickles, frequently stolen and then subsequently replaced, has amazed onlookers for years. It remains unclear when the jars were first placed there, but Globe investigative reporters uncovered pictures and videos as old as 2012. Since then, the jars have accumulated a substantial following; a Facebook group titled “Team Pickle” has risen to over 6,600 members, boasting pickle-themed anecdotes and infrequent pictures and videos of the highway-side jars. One group member, Gillian Johnson, shares a meaningful screenshot of her pickle experience, an ad for Pepsi reading “Splash into the pickle,” and picturing a pickle-flavored cola can. On Christmas Day, 2020, one Mt. Olive jar could be seen embraced by a toy elf, accompanied by a jar of Vlasic kosher dill pickles. Senator Josh Hawley said, “this pickle is honestly doing more for Missouri than I am.” With comments coming from the left and the right, the pickle sparked a contentious debate and a whirlwind of opinions. Many speculate if the pickles have a mind of their own. The pickles seem to be connected through a single force.

Where is the hive mind located? No one will ever know.

NEWS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED

Last week, it was officially announced that as of tomorrow, there will no longer be news. “This was a very difficult decision to make, and we understand that some people rather liked news for some reason”, said CEO Thomas News. “Unfortunately, news is just not sustainable in this economy any longer. We hope that all our supporters will keep the news alive in memory, and maybe go outside or something.” In light of these events, The Globe is slated to become a furniture catalog.

TRUMP TO PUBLISH PRESIDENTIAL MEMOIRS

A press release from the former president’s office announced on Sunday that Donald Trump, less than three months out of the White House, plans to shortly release the first volume of his presidential memoirs.

The tradition of the presidential autobiography began in 1866, when James Buchanan (president from 1857 to 1861) published a memoir detailing his time in office. While Buchanan’s book mainly served as a defense of his conduct on the eve of the Civil War, modern presidents have continued the tradition. President Obama’s recently released memoir, “A Promised Land,” has been lauded for its literary quality, while Richard Nixon’s 1983 autobiography, “I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong,” won its author the Pulitzer Prize.

Despite the successes of other presidents’ writings, Trump’s memoir promises to be a remarkable literary achievement. This is in part due to the book’s length: the first volume of the autobiography, entitled “Meditations,” spans over 800 pages, and will be accompanied at a later date by four other volumes of similar length. While the former president has indicated that he began work on the memoir before he left office, the speed of his writing is a testament to Trump’s literary abilities.

The first volume of Trump’s “Meditations,” contains much of the former president’s characteristic humility. The beginning of the book serves as an overview of the major figures in Trump’s life. He discusses his relationships with his father, Fred, his eldest sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, and each of his three wives, analyzing the lessons learned from each character and expressing regrets on his past interactions with family members.

Trump’s generosity is not limited to his friends. Volume I of “Meditations” contains a chapter devoted to each of the president’s political opponents: Lyin’ Ted, Crooked Hillary, and Sleepy Joe. Trump begins each chapter with an exploration of his rivals’ admirable qualities, and a general overview of his interactions with them. While the reader can detect a hint of disappointment in Trump’s discussion of his loss in the 2020 election, this disappointment is tempered by Trump’s knowledge that his feelings are only the product of his thoughts. As the president says, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

EXTRATERRESTRIAL

The unknown has captivated humankind since the beginning of history and modern technological advancements have drastically improved our exploration capabilities. This puzzle pays tribute to recent scientific breakthroughs outside of our atmosphere. When solved, the colored circled letters will imply a popular moniker for the theme. (Answers on page 43.)

ACROSS 1. Greek god counterpart of 57-Across 5. Arid southern state with some parts of its climate comparable to that of 57-Across 9. Turn on 12. Mexican mister 14. Edible soybean pods 15. St. Louis’ subway system, colloquially 16. Atmospheric prefix 17. Life form (or what could possibly exist on 57-Across) 19. Abbr. after a phone number 21. Absorbs, with “up” 22. Rooster’s mate 24. Christian prayer ending 26. 2020 Presidential candidate Andrew 30. Cheer at a soccer stadium 31. See 11-Down 33. Zodiac sign for lion (said to be compatible with that of 57-Across) 34. Luxurious 36. “Dat ___” (Art Blakey jazz hit) 37. Indent key 38. More crazy

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Garlicky spread Arabic “hellos” Desert transport groups Spanish “nothing” ___ hammer on (pounds) Movie venues “Anaconda” rapper Nicki Swimmer’s peeve Ingredient in 40-Across The theme of this puzzle, or what is represented by the aptly colored contents of the circled letters when read clockwise

DOWN 1. It may be heightened during meditation 2. Different version of a song 3. Historical length of time 4. Japanese wrestling style 5. Graphic with insets for AK and HI 6. Itty-bitty 7. Prefix to “body” or “biotic” 8. ___ d’oeuvres (appetizers) 9. Spherical veggie 10. Beethoven wrote one to joy 11. Persistence through hardship, or with 31-Across, NASA bot that just landed on 57-Across

PUZZLE BY THOMAS GUSTAFSON 1 9

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10

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15 17

16 19 23

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18 21

20

30

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31 35

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13. ___-com (date movie subgenre) 18. Doomed soul 20. Road goo 22. Native American tribe whose land is controversially surrounded by that of 39-Down 23. Musk who wants to colonize 57-Across 25. Ford’s second market success 27. Vocal range 28. Sci-fi author Stephenson 29. Desert in Southern Mongolia 32. Unit of paper (500 sheets) 35. Voices one’s opinion

29

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56

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39. South Western Native American tribe whose language is being used to name certain features of 57-Across 41. “The end ___!” (pessimistic cry) 43. 2007 #1 Alicia Keys album 44. Summa ___ Laude 45. “___ sure you know already...”

46. Emmy winning actress Sofer 48. Some theater chains 49. “Well Lah-di-___!”

50. Enzyme suffix 53. Gun owners’ org.

IT’S CONFIRMED: JOSH HAWLEY WENT TO LADUE Ever since his stirring speech in the Senate on Jan. 6, Missouri residents have been itching to find out where Josh Hawley, MO senator and paragon of virtue, went to high school. While Hawley, a wise and unassuming fellow, had long preferred to keep his cards hidden on the issue of his education, many Missourians suspected that their noble and unpretentious senator had studied somewhere in the St. Louis area. Hawley put these rumors to rest last week in a characteristically humble interview: “Yes, the theories are true,” he said, “I actually moved across the state to attend Ladue High School. It was my parents’ decision, and while I initially resented it, the fact is that my Ladue education has been incredibly valuable. To every young Missourian, I’d say that if you’re interested in learning the meaning of a hard day’s work, or if you want to acquire the values of honesty, humility and integrity that have so helped me throughout my career, then Ladue Horton Watkins High School is the place for you.”

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