The Winston: Lent issue 2016 by Churchill College

Editorial

We are the cheesy chips to your dodgy Life trip.

The sunlight breaks over the horizon of Cambridge’s somewhat uninspiringly flat plains, softly filters through the kind of annoying mist, and gently dapples the widely misunderstood and predominately unpopular brick walls of Churchill college in a sort of yellowy-pee -in-paddling-pool coloured light. A glorious new dawn has arrived. Almost. In our penultimate issue we begin our search for the next generation of Winston Co-Editors to replace us in a Freudian, Machiavellian, Corbynian tussle of complex psycho-sexual longing, raw ambition and unexpected success. To those willing to bear the mantle, we humbly await your emergence and hope that our backs won’t hurt your knife. For useful information, see p.58. Perhaps more excitingly, Spring Ball is almost upon us. We here at the Winston think it’s sweet the way the committee are still pretending the theme is ‘VAULT’ and not ‘MILLIE’S 20TH BIRTHDAY’ and have dedicated this edition to their hunger for more ticket sales because their efforts are kind of adorable. Finally, a Buzzfeed quiz both Co-Editors took this week revealed that Rahul was 100% sexy and Millie only 69%. We’re not sure this is news but we felt bound by our honesty policy to tell you all. Stay frosty Churchill College: there’s change in the air.

Sub-Editor | Lucy Morgan

College

Churchill seems quiet these days. The cold, and of course the endless work, is keeping people indoors. But just because there are no party poppers going off in the middle of South Court, it doesn’t mean nothing is happening. As a matter of fact, the parties and joyousness has just moved inwards. People are still living and thriving and dealing with life in Cambridge, and this section of the Winston is here to reveal that to you. Natasha Michael reflects on the access work going on in Cambridge. Mimi Robson brings us news of the newly revived pav. Finally, with halfway hall approaching, some of the second years have offered reflections about their first year at Cambridge. Read, enjoy, and remember, there’s always stuff at Churchill to write about! 4

The Pav is dead, long live the Pav! Mimi ‘Basic’ Robson Let’s be honest, most things that go on past 10:00 PM at Cambridge are pretty shit. Cindies literally contains the word ‘dies’, which is a far from coincidental fact. And Life will actually be the death of me. However, the brave Churchill warriors that are Jack Durant and Noah Bennett are aspiring to transform perceptions of our utterly crap college and dead university town by taking over the decks at the Churchill ‘Pav’. Their first night on the decks last Friday saw some relatively wild shapes being thrown across the Dfloor, and an average-to-high level of attendance. Their playlist included funk, the most dangerously silky RnB to ever grace the music industry, some caressing Latin music, and a selection of Noah’s bass, a harsh sound that his neighbours are all well aware of. For those of you who feel like coming along and listening to some music that isn’t objectively terrible, make sure you go to their next evening; their upcoming events should be posted onto the JCR page. Feel the joy. Taste the joy.

We know that attempts like these to make the Pav great again have failed time and time again throughout the embarrassingly short history of our college but can’t we at least try? Can’t we at least pretend? The worst thing that could happen is that Churchill would stay the same; admittedly it would still suck quite a bit. 5

Churchill Access Natasha Michael Churchill achieved a tremendous feat in 2015, topping the Oxbridge tables in terms of state school admissions. In the recently released State of the Nation report on social mobility and childhood poverty, Churchill was shown to take 73.7% of admissions from the state sector. This puts us yards ahead of other Cambridge colleges, such as Robinson for example, where less than half of admissions are state-schooled. (Yes Churchill!) Considering 7% of British children and 18% of those over 16 go to private school, even Churchill has a way to go. But we’re getting there. That’s largely down to the students of Churchill, and our fantastic Schools Liaison Officer, Jonathan Padley. Churchill is a really friendly college, and it shows. A huge shout-out has to go to the students who came back for the open days over the summer, and those who walked around with school group after school group to show them around. When Jonathan sent out the latest email over school tours, he received enough volunteers within the hour. Tours like these make all the difference, so it’s great that there’s so much support for them. Access to Cambridge is so important, and its fab that the students of Churchill continue to get so massively behind it. It’s been so eye-opening to be Churchill’s access officer over the last year. I’ve heard so many testimonies from school children, students, graduates and alumni, telling me how they only applied to Cambridge and more specifically

Churchill based on the encouragement and support they received when they visited the university. Before applying, I, like many, was terrified of the stereotypes: the idea that nobody goes out, everybody is rich enough to own ponies and that I wouldn’t be clever enough for the place. And ok, I’ve met a few people slightly ‘posher’ than myself - but that doesn’t mean I don’t fit in with them. We certainly prove the ‘Cambridge students don’t go out myth’ wrong too, if only by face-palming the pavement by 9pm. And that’s what access is about. As a college, we get out there and show students that, despite the stereotyping, we’re all ‘normal’. We show them that they can apply to Cambridge, they can get in and they can fit in here, regardless of their background.

So as I give this role over to a keen fresher with no idea what they’re getting into: genuinely, thank you to everyone for getting behind the access initiatives of the past year. 7

Hollers from Halfway Hallers Lucy Morgan Seventy-Two weeks. Seventy-two. That’s the amount of term time for the average threeyear degree at Cambridge. And a gruelling seventy-two weeks it is. But us second years are narrowing in on half time. Nearly thirtysix weeks out of the way, and another thirtysix to go. 36. Add those two digits together, that’s 9. And as we all know, nein in German is no. Well, that’s how I feel about the upcoming 36 weeks of term: no.

So much work, so little time and then we’ll be out in the real world. So, no. But the rest of the halfway hallers don’t necessarily feel the same way. They’re reflecting on the past year and a half in preparation for a night of friends and fun with slightly more enthusiasm. Some are reflecting on what they have learned: “While I’m convinced that I have not gotten any better at writing essays, I have learned how to write an essay in the shortest possible period of time. But that’s still an achievement.”

Hannah Bowstead

Some are considering the unfortunate balance of work and life. “Cambridge is full of amazing events and interesting people, but with the amount of work involved and the stress most people don't have time to fully appreciate or enjoy what is available. That said, it is incredibly satisfying to come out

of a full year of Cambridge and just be done with thing for a while. It is highly liberating and it’s a great sense of achievement.”

Anonymous

And some are already thinking about the sadness that is to come when we’re no longer all living together. “I can’t believe that I’m already halfway through my degree, time here flows by so fast! I’m lucky to have met amazing people in this time, but with only half of the degree left, I’ve got even less time to spend with them.”

Neeleema Seetaloo

And some have clearly defined priorities. “Sometimes, when I think too much about time and my relative place in the universe, its like my mind gets put in a tiny box where all the interior surfaces are mirrored and I’m both reflected into an expansive infinity and feel really claustrophobic, you know? Three free courses though. And a cheese board. So I can’t complain really.”

Anonymous

Congrats on your first year and a half guys, only 36 more weeks to go!

Sub-Editor | Nick Ash

Culture

In this edition MML proves itself once again to be the most cultural of all Cambridge degrees with 100% of our contributors belonging to that hallowed Tripos*.

Dom Wheeler and Nick Ash (who can now talk about himself in the third person) hold the fort for the Winston culture sub-section with pieces on the Oscars' so-called Whiteout, 'entertaining! idioms (à la Buzzfeed) and a 'fun' crossword about student culture.

With love from the ever-culturally enriching Culture section xoxo

*Editorial Note: See next issue for whether Rahul will ever recover from this slap in the face that ignores his 25% contribution to this section.

Curiosity Killed The Cat Nick Ash David Bellos wrote ‘a language and a culture are so closely bound together as to be one and the same’. That’s the quote I started my personal statement with - honestly. And it seemed to do the trick really all things considered. It’s now time to go back to my humble origins; language, culture, all the good shit.

I decided it would be a fun thing to do to gather some of the weird and wonderful idioms from several languages around Europe to analyse the complexity of the human condition. I wish I was lying when I note that I spent more time on this piece than on my last essay.

In Romania, a person wouldn’t just “do so much with so little’’ but would “make a whip out of shit” (Face din rahat bici).

What a charming image. Here’s an image of a shit whipping.

In France, if someone were to comment that ‘It’s useless’, instead they would say it resembles ‘peeing in a violin’ (pisser dans un violin).

I can’t imagine that being very useful; unless you need to piss off a violinist. Do pardon the pun.

In Hungary, you would describe someone as ‘softened up’ by saying that ‘you can spread them like bread’ (Kenyérre lehet kenni).

Hmmm tasty.

In Sweden, if I person was to make a fool of themselves, they would be said to have ‘shit in the blue cupboard’ (Nu har du skitit i det blå skåpet). What intrigues me about this one is not the fact of defecating in a cupboard but the specification that it must be blue. Food for thought.

In neighbouring Denmark, if you were to have ‘really shot the parrot’ (Du har virkeligt skudt papegøjen) it means that ‘you’ve been lucky’.

But the parrot hasn’t been very lucky, has it?

Back to France now where people do not ‘sleep around’ but they ‘dip their biscuit’ (tremper son biscuit).

I’ll have the Hobnob.

I hope you all now feel sufficiently cultured. I know I do.

Dom’s Prize Puzzle Corner Dom Wheeler Hello. It’s me. Once again I have been roused from my vodkainduced comatose state to vomit forth some Poundland-standard entertainment for you all to ignore. This time, I turn my questionable talents to the art of puzzling, and have cobbled together this shite crossword.

Fill in the clues (please forgive the slight incident involving the number 6.5), then rearrange the letters in the shaded squares to reveal your prize. #regularcolumnfordominthewinston

Across 1) (and 20 because I messed up) – the finest place in Cambridge to make drunk friends and get diabetes at 4am (7) 4) faculty site where arts students gather to meet other arts students in an elaborate roleplay that their degree is useful (8) 6) _____ machines, the mechanical bane of every Churchill student’s life (7) 7) “I do an arts degree at Churchill” Translation: “I was ______” (6) 8) “Are you a beaver? Because ______.” Author’s best Tinder pick-up line. 31% effective. (3) 9) Cambridge college, accessible by long-haul flight (6) 11) The only place to be in Churchill on a Friday night! (2,3) 15) Has anyone ever met anyone doing this course? Like, ever? (5) 16) A unique clubbing experience that realises your wildest dreams of writhing around in other people’s sweat (4) 17) any of a class of alcohols having 2 hydroxyl groups in each molecule (4) 18) Adjective often applied to illicit activities such as murder, kidnap, and drinking games. (7) 19) Period of time set aside for finding oneself and preening one’s ego (3,3)

Down 1) Prominent Indian philanthropist whose first name wasn’t Randy, but should have been (6) 2) Sorrow, remorse. Often felt after wasting precious time creating bullshit crosswords that nobody will complete. (6) 3) the seediest (good pun) swap location (6) 4) Precisely what nobody went on the Varsity trip to do (3) 5) verb. To eliminate non-participants from a Whatsapp group en masse. (4) 6) the preferred night of the week to get repeatedly elbowed in the face at an overcrowded Cindies. (9) 6.5) The approximate value of my MML degree (4) 7) Queen of the desert, queen of CUSU, and queen of (most of) our hearts. (9) 9) verb. To violently remove internal organs. What I will do to whoever is stealing my fucking milk from the 53 kitchen fridge. (3) 10) a bizarrely popular sport, practised by groups of people whom the invention of motorised water transport seems to have bypassed (6) 12) A member of Trinity College. A term often used to refer to the end of a bell. (7) 13) College eating establishment and opportunity to silently judge fellow hungover Churchillians (4) 14) Fiery underworld and home of condemned souls. An experience most accurately recreated by searching for a book in the UL (4)

Oscars’ Controversy: Whiteout or Sexist Ageism? Nick Ash The Academy Awards have again come under fire this year for failing to have a single person of colour nominated in any of the four acting categories. This is the second year in a row that this has happened. The fallout this year has been larger with several celebrities claiming to boycott the ceremony because of the supposed Whiteout of the main categories. There have been calls for the Academy to diversify the voting pool, which according to the media is too old, male and white. To diversify the voting pool that gave best acting awards to Lupita Nyong’o in 2013 and Octavia Spencer in 2012 and nominated Chiwetel Ejiofor, Denzel Washington, Quvenzhané Wallis and Viola Davis since then. What strikes me is that Will Smith has publicised his boycotting of the Awards this year but didn’t feel like saying something when he was nominated in 2001 and 2007. Or is it bitterness after receiving a Golden Globe nomination for Concussion and not the precious Academy nod? In fact, according to the current President of the Academy Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the voting pool had been diversified since last year when the Awards were criticised for the same thing happening. Why then, for example, did Idris Elba not get a nomination this year for Beasts of No Nation when he did receive a BAFTA, SAG and Golden Globe nod? This controversy has been directed on the nominations of acting Oscars rather than the other directorial/script/technical awards on offer. In that case, let’s look at this 16

Idris Elba in Beasts of No Nation.

year’s nominations of the Screen Actors’ Guild (SAG) awards which are exclusively voted for by actors (being the ones who should know their craft best). The SAG Best Ensemble – the ceremony’s equivalent of the big Best Picture category – nominees include amongst the five Beasts of No Nation and Straight Outta Compton; two films which feature a majority black cast. Straight Outta Compton only received one Oscar nomination, despite its critical and commercial success, for Best Original Screenplay which means the only two nominees of this film will be white. It is difficult to imagine this supposedly old, male and white voting pool favouring Straight Outta Compton. But because of the Oscars’ voting rules, some of them might not have even had to watch it. All those with the power to vote for awards are sent DVDs of all films in consideration; there is no guarantee they’ll watch them, no record of what they have or haven’t seen. It’s very likely they’ll have watched the Oscar-bait films like Carol, The Danish Girl, Spotlight and The Big Short; but who knows about Straight Outta Compton? It doesn’t feel like the right 17

demographic. Maybe some of the voters hadn’t even heard of the film; I certainly hadn’t before the Awards season started. I hadn’t heard of Beasts of No Nation either. They’re not the sort of films to get bankrolled by the film production companies; the films that have had the least exposure because of racial hesitations within the industry.

It’s easy for the world to blame the lack of diversity in the voting pool; the same lack of diversity which previously has nominated and awarded black actors. It’s not easy to look deeper into the problems: the problems surrounding how to ensure voters watch a wider variety of films, how to encourage movie producers to invest in films which feature non-white protagonists in a plot not centred on race, how to arrive at a point in the industry when the race of the actors nominated is no longer a talking point for the right reasons.

Celebrities Say Things Rahul Savadia (Any

resemblance to similar/identical comedy features on other websites is purely coincidental/ deliberate)

“They’re really growing on me” Robert Downey Jr. – on genital warts

“I’ve always hated the West” Jeremy Corbyn – on the Wiz and Kanye beef

“I have a really, really bad feeling about this. An ominous slouching of some foreign omen toward the very core my being, which one day it shall reach, and it shall touch with its blackened, rotted fingers, each one a testament to the ravages of time, and it shall pierce the membrane of my soul and I too shall turn to rot. And by the time my every fresh skin has peeled off in an orgy of decay, I shall no longer remember my former self. I shall be happy and oblivious, and that will be the worst of it. The joy. The oblivion. “ Miley Cyrus – on the choice of Pizza Express for our interview venue

“I never really thought about it, if I’m honest” Sebastian Coe – on the smiting of his firstborn son by our good and gracious God when he was just a babe, still slimy from the womb 20

“It’s a terrible burden, but I bear it nonetheless” Matthew McConaughey – on his backpack

“I’ll never look at cheese graters the same way” Oprah Winfrey – on being blind

* Creds to Ludo for writing what is officially the longest intro to a section in Winston’s illustrious history.

Sub-Editor | Ludo Sappa Cohen

Sports

Last term at the helm of the sports section huh. From Winston Sport sending for Sepp Blatter on account of him being a bit of a corrupt dick, to actually acknowledging that there exist sports other than football; I think we can all agree that it’s been one hell of a ride. Will the sport section ever again reach these dizzying heights?! Yes, according to the returning Tom Petrides. Unhappy with finishing behind Titus Bramble and Philip Senderos in the 2015 Ballon D’or stakes, Tom’s taken the bitchy route of complaining about ‘too much individuality in football’. Yeah, okay Tom - you act like you don’t believe Messi could do it playing for Leyton Orient on a cold rainy night at Stoke. Taking a step away from The Beautiful Game, I cast my eye over the beef currently developing between Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor (my money is on McGregor if it comes to blows). Unlike both men, the issue is a tough one: has racism played a role in their differing media portrayal? I realised about 394 words through this piece that sticking to the 400 word limit probably wouldn’t allow me to crack the issue. I was wrong, nailing it with those last words. Finally, Winston Sport resumes its ever-popular Predictions segment! No Prem this week, so we’ve had to make do with a handful of FA Cup clashes (well, at least it’s not International Week). This issue we have Jonny Holland making his second appearance of the season, going up against a regular for the Sport section but debutant in Predictions: goalkeeper extraordinaire Rob Smyth! So, having done your exercise for the week trying to flick through the other sections as quickly as possible, you can sit back, put your feet up and let the familiar voices of Martin Tyler and Alan Smith guide you through the next few pages. You’re in for a cracker.*

Ballon D’bore Tom Petrides Football has a knack of producing superstars like no other sport. The party line remains that the team is king, but more often than not, it is an individual that takes centre stage.

No one talks about great sides anymore. The Invincibles, despite having their fair share of the best in the world, were a study in cohesion and are remembered as such. But the goalposts have moved now, and the appetite for individual spark has reduced the appeal of both Arsène Wenger’s classical orchestra and Jürgen Klopp’s heavy metal antidote. Football is in the age of the individual, a state of affairs which has been brewing throughout the Galáctico era at Real Madrid; arguably the main apologists for a business model which has been, if not unsustainable, then at least not as effective as their rivals in Catalonia.

Side: an ancient Greek city on the southern Mediterranean coast of Turkey, a popular spot for watching the solar eclipse of March 29, 2006, and general all around central talking point. (Stop chatting shit Tom).

Every fan has to prefer Messi or Ronaldo, while pundits churn out their (misleadingly named) ‘Team of the Week’ and combined XIs are drawn up before big games as if they could somehow settle an argument before a ball is kicked. Even cricket, a considerably more individual sport, seems altogether less interested, with a few exceptions, in creating mega stars. The increased use of stats and more sophisticated forms of punditry and TV analysis may have played a part, but Gary Neville, despite being no stranger to the SkyPad or the occasional ‘Team of the Year’, recently spoke against the perception that buying players can solve a club’s problems.

Perhaps it should be no surprise that the Ballon d’Or has become a foregone conclusion, each year seemingly being a dress rehearsal for the next. Messi and Ronaldo have simply been too good and too dominant for such a length of time for most people to have many complaints about the outcome. But it does seem to be missing the point, not least in the way that it rewards a calendar year’s achievements in a sport in which that time frame is meaningless. The sight of the World XI lining up for their photo was bizarrely unedifying and, while this collection of egos awkwardly tried not to catch each other’s eye, an award for the best real team of the year was conspicuous in its absence. The Fair Play Award aside, this was a celebration of individual moments and individual brilliance, which are only so important in a team game. Note to Tom: Messi would batter your so-called ‘Invincibles’ with all three of his eyes closed. Editorial note to Tom: Pires dived for a penalty in the first game against Portsmouth. Never forget. Invincibles my bloody arse.

FA Cup Predictions Rob Smyth vs Jonny Holland The FA Cup is boring as hell compared to the Premier League. Trust me, if I held the kind of power needed or knew the right people, I would change the date of the Winston’s publication just for the sake of giving the Predictions segment its due importance. Honestly, Shrewsbury versus Sheffield Wednesday? Really? Apart from Holland and like 4 supporters probably eating pie and mash right now in anticipation, who cares?! Oh well, here’s Smyth vs Holland…

Vs.

Derby vs Man Utd Smyth: Derby are a team on the rise and have every chance of a Championship play-off place this year. A home tie against an off-form United side is a great opportunity for a spot of giant killing... Smyth: 2-1 Holland: 2-0

Aston Villa vs Man City Holland: Aston villa are just bad at football. Smyth: 0-3 Holland: 1-4

‘Just bad at football’

Arsenal vs Burnley Smyth: While Burnley have been in great form of late, I can't see them outclassing a strong Arsenal side at the Emirates; especially as Arsenal will be looking to bounce back after a sore defeat to Chelsea last week. Smyth: 3-1 Holland: 3-0

Shrewsbury vs SWFC Holland: Up the owls, promotion chasing Wednesday will easily beat the shrews. Smyth: 0-1 Holland: 0-2

Liverpool vs West Ham Smyth: As a Reds fan it pains me to say it, but I have to put this down as a win for West Ham - they've outclassed Liverpool twice this season already and I don't expect anything to change. Smyth: 1-2

Holland: 1-1

Notts Forest vs Watford Holland: Notts look likely to be in the Prem next year but Watford will be too solid Smyth: 1-1 Holland: 1-3

Palace vs Stoke Smyth: Stoke’s versatile front three coupled with a solid defence have seen them go from strength to strength this season, and I expect them to bounce back from their Capital One cup defeat by beating a stuttering Palace side. Smyth: 0-2 Holland: 0-0

Deeney is a saint: ‘too solid’ to beat.

Is Racism Winning the Fight? Ludovico Sappa-Cohen Racism exists in sport; it’s an observation that few within or without the industry can refute. To do so would be pointless: enough can be inferred from Carlo Tavecchio being elected head of the Italian FA weeks after remarks about a fictitious Opti Poba ‘eating bananas’ before becoming a footballer in Italy.

But a new sports racism row has emerged in the past month. Almost out of nowhere, Floyd Mayweather (for those of you needing an introduction, Mayweather completed his 49-match professional boxing career UNDEFEATED) called attention to the way he has been treated by the media in an interview with Fight Hype, claiming racism is still a big issue in professional fighting. In doing so, Mayweather drew a comparison with the media depiction enjoyed by successful UFC fighters such as Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey: ‘They say [McGregor] talks a lot of trash and people praise him for it, but when I did it, they say I'm cocky and arrogant’.

McGregor instantly hit back: ‘Floyd Mayweather, don't ever bring race into my success again. I am an Irishman. My people have been oppressed our entire existence. And still very much are.’ Yet, one cannot help but feeling that McGregor missed the point. The Irish may very well suffer from prejudice, but more than a few academics (most notably Tony Kushner) have been vocal in their belief that racial ideas have infiltrated modern notions of citizenship; there is no need to mention the colour of someone’s skin explicitly, with code words 28

all that is necessary to tap into a populist, racist sentiment. In this light, the portrayal of Mayweather as an arrogant and unpleasant human being could very possibly have racist undertones.

Nevertheless, a big ‘However’ needs to be thrown into the ring. Floyd Mayweather is not a black Conor McGregor; the comparison isn’t like for like. For starters, McGregor backs up his trash talk with extremely impressive and exciting performances (he recently knocked 10-year champion Jose Aldo out cold in 13 seconds), while Mayweather was roundly criticised for his defensive game. Whether it’s boxing, MMA or football, a willingness to entertain the fans is generally encouraged. More importantly, McGregor has no history of domestic violence, while Mayweather was sentenced in December 2011. Not many sports stars have committed such a crime and come out as a media favourite.

So, when Mayweather says ‘I’m telling you racism still exists [in combat sports]’, I agree. There definitely is a problem with racism, but that’s not why the boos rang out around the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. 29

Sub-Editor | Nora Kertesz

Comment

Everyone has probably given up on their New Year’s resolutions by now (it’s February for crying out loud!) so the comment section, being relevant as ever, features two articles related to New Year’s resolutions. If you’ve been wondering what resolutions the UK should make, Sexy Socialism has some suggestions. If you are the type of person who wonders a lot, you might have also wondered about how to control 6 people for 10 days – you will find the answer to that too if you keep reading. The fact that the third article is about May Balls, and includes strong resemblances to the upcoming Churchill Spring Ball, has absolutely nothing to do with the editor being on publicity and the writer the president for said ball. Nothing at all. Pure coincidence.

New Year New (peaceful, fair, equal) Britain. Here are some of the most common New Year’s resolutions, which, if applied to Britain, could actually do the world a massive favour.

Sexy Socialism | a column by Madeleine Jones-Casey

1) Stop procrastinating I can only imagine that at this point that John Chilcot is pulling a Madi. He has gone to the library with good intentions. He wants to get the report done. He opens his laptop to review the list of disastrous choices we made in pursuing an illegal war in Iraq, at the behest of our American overlords. But there it is. The ‘Proper Tasty’ Facebook video that shows him how to make Oreo brownies using just a microwave, a glass and a single piece of chocolate. He tags his friends ‘@Tony Blair we HAVE to do this!!!’. The report needs to get done, he knows this, but it can wait until tomorrow. He can’t work when he’s tired anyway and the bar closes soon. He can finish the report tomorrow.

“John, I know the feeling. But please, it’s been 9 years. Pull an all-nighter and finish the Chilcot Report.”

2) Manage stress better 2015 was a stressful time. We had America prodding us (albeit with a merciless iron fist) to bomb Syria. To be fair, the Syrian civil war is a stressful situation. A civil war with more factions than the Tories in the 90s. These factions have been flooded with Western arms, Saudi money, and enough radicalised young men to tear a country to pieces. Stressful. Yet surprise-surprise, the UK failed to handle its stress regarding the Middle East in a productive, healthy manner. This year, let’s manage this stress better. In 2016, let’s make a real effort to not drop bombs on innocent civilians. Let’s go all out and perhaps not cause so much destruction to the lives of Middle Eastern civilians that they are forced to evacuate their homelands and search for safety anywhere else.

#NewYearNewUs am I right??

3) Have a baby In January, our government has refused to take in 3,000 unaccompanied children that, having escaped the horrors of war, are living in squalid conditions on our own continent. So, Britain, it’s time. LET’S HAVE A BABY!!! Let’s have a couple of thousand! Let’s pull a 34

Canada and stop treating innocent children as a threat to our way of life! A comment on a Daily Mail article suggested that Jeremy Corbyn should let all of the refugee children he wishes to allow into Britain live in his own house. I don’t doubt that Jezza would probably do this if he could (God bless that man). But alas, with the government dismantling our child benefits system and British paternity leave being one of the worst across Europe, this would quite the logistical nightmare. The pleasure, then, is ours. The pleasure of giving these children a safe and happy life is all of ours, not just Jeremy Corbyn’s. Come on, Britain, let’s have some kids!

(Jeremy Corbyn’s plan to personally raise each refugee child in his own home - a goddamn beautiful disaster)

How To Train Your Land Economist | a column by Robert Smyth

How to Have A Ball If you want to get tickets to the best the Cambridge May Ball scene has to offer then you’ll have to start quickly – tickets are slowly entering the market! And of course only the best will do for your exuberant Land Economist! This issue I will be features that make a deed Spring Ball) to you will go when the begin.

taking you through the great May Ball (or inhelp you decide where post-exam celebrations

1) The Headliner When deciding upon a May Ball, make sure you consider the strength of the headline act, as this will certainly correlate with the quality of the night which is to be had. For example, a headliner like Basshunter would certainly reflect well on the quality of the Ball to come.

“All you’ve ever wanted?”

2) Other Ents While the headliner is very important, it is not all there is to a Ball; the other acts which appear are also essential to contrib 36

other musical acts (for instance the prolific King’s Men Choir, or Churchill’s very own Churchill Jazz Band, both of which have been rumoured to be appearing at a certain Spring Ball) as well as other non-musical ents, which can be hugely variable so keep an eye out for strange ones that wouldn’t appear elsewhere. Indeed I’ve never heard of snakes at a May Ball…

“Tickets are still on sale for Churchill Spring Ball?”

3) Food & Drink When you step into a May Ball, the first thing you want is a large plate of something delicious - while gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, the eighth is to spend £90 on a Ball ticket and not go all out on the food. So help yourself to the vast array a Ball has on offer, and pray that they have something good (fresh pizza perhaps?). In terms of alcohol, what can beat a crisp G&T to forget your troubles and enjoy the night?

“And when served in a cup (nay, a chalice) such as this, who could resist?”

4) Theme and Decorations Finally, every Ball must look stunning. Fabrics, lights, banners; a Ball only feels as good as it looks. The artwork hidden in Balls can range from a room full of mirrors and dreams, to giant projections of light onto whole buildings. The possibilities really are endless; you and your Land Economist should gaze in wonder at the creations presented to you.

“The scenes at Churchill Spring Ball last year – what will they do next?”

The above are just some of the amazing things you and your Land Economist will want find at your chosen May Ball: the sky is the limit. One might say that a Ball should be a Vault of wondrous things… Note: Any similarity the examples given above bear to the actual contents of Churchill Spring Ball 2016’s VAULT are entirely coincidental, and do not reflect the obligation of the writer, as President of Churchill Spring Ball 2016, to shamelessly publicise his event at every given opportunity. Editorial Note: Robert, feel no shame, time’s no chain. The Winston has very little integrity. I myself took a walk with my fame down memory lane and never did find my way back. Rahul’s Editorial Note: There are other bands than just Oasis Millie.

The truth about New Year’s resolutions: 6 stories of justifying failure Nora Kertesz No one ever said New Year’s resolutions make you a better person – it’s ‘New Year New Me’ not ‘New Year Better Me’ for a reason, people!

I consider myself as a fairly realistic person, so when it comes to New Year’s resolutions I usually don’t even bother to make them. Why set up myself for failure, amiright? But I’m also an anthropologist, with revolutionary inclinations, so when the opportunity to mess with the authoritarian regime of the Winston committee in the form of a social experiment arose, I got excited in all the right ways…

The idea was to test out (popular) resolutions in a possibly extreme form given the ~10-day timeframe. So without further ado, here is what happened (well, nothing for the most part). ‘Revolutionary inclinations’, the Editorship notes, still leads to the production of articles, which help the mechanism of the Editorship’s dictatorship. Thank you, Nora.

Coffee: The Fight of my Life – Ludo Sappa Cohen Last term I averaged 8 or 9 coffees a day. So, when the Wonderful Wizard of Noz requested my New Year’s resolution be to restrict my quotidian intake to a solitary cup (coupled with the decisive intervention of my GP), I accepted: Day 1: One coffee huh? Okay. Day 2: This isn’t so bad, plus there’s a bit of change jingling about in my college card! Day 3: Energy on point. Concentration on point. Another day down. Day 4: Took up smoking today. Day 5: Extremely irritable. Day 6: Does tea count as coffee? Day 7: Screw you Nora, you don’t own me I’ve had four coffees today. Day 8: Felt bad about yesterday, so my solitary cup was sipped in a self-reflective manner. Day 9: Am the not-so-proud owner of a hearty cough as a result of my now fully-developed addiction to tobacco. Day 10: Just one more day before this social experiment/ sick joke comes to an end. In the meantime, trying to get #FreeLudo trending.

Probably time to admit that coffee has a stranglehold on my life. Still, I’ll be taking that macchiato to go please! Kids, smoking doesn’t make you cool! Except if you happen to be Alex Turner, of course.

Expanding Musical Horizons: One Woman’s Quest for Enlightenment – Mimi EvagoraCampbell Why I’m doing it: to expand my musical horizons and learn about others’ music tastes. Expectations: should be easy – I mean songs are only like 3 minutes…and there must be loads I haven’t heard yet. I’m sure I’ll be impressed by recommendations by some and disappointed with others. Overall I hope to be enlightened and enthralled by this experience. One week later: So how did this humble, worthy pursuit go for good#wisdom #enlightenment intentioned little old me? It didn’t. It just didn’t happen. I stand here at the end of the week looking back over seven days of failure. As each day slipped through my finger’s, new-song-less, I promised myself that all would be made up for by filling the next with extra the number of songs, and consoled myself that listening to ‘Discover Weekly’ on Spotify kind of counted… I think it was the collative element that was at the root of my downfall – I didn’t manage to collect any names of songs, always remembering that I needed to ask people when we were all in the library, or just before I fell asleep at night. Regrettably, I must admit defeat and embrace my role in this experiment as that mouse who opts-out and falls asleep in the corner of the pen, its back turned to the mentally stimulating challenges being completed behind it. Sorry world. I promise I’ll do better next time. 41

Fitness: A Success Story – Nick Ash My New Year’s resolution was to go to the college gym more. I went once. That’s more often than I would have gone if I hadn’t made the resolution. I consider it a success.

Beauty: A Tragedy in One Act – Rahul Savadia Most people promise to go to the gym, to quit drinking, to go vegan. Aside from all of these resolutions being spectacularly lame, it struck me that they’re all incredibly selfish. So I decided to opt for something a little more altruistic. Day 1 9:00am – still asleep, nothing to report 11:00am – got out of bed, looked in the mirror. Terrible bedhead – so far so good. Spent 3 seconds restyling hair. Now look like a sub -continental Adonis again. First day is always the hardest. Babysteps. Day 2 10:45am – Looked in the mirror again. Scratched my beard trying to think of ways to be less handsome. While doing so, looked like a brooding and irresistibly tanned Marlon Brando. No-one said this was going to be easy. No-one said anything at all. Day 3 10:30am – Sitting in a lecture, hoping that my utter lack of knowledge might compensate for my hyper-masculine ruggedness, the sort that bursts out of a denim shirt and slim black jeans no matter how hard you try to hide it. Lecturer stops analysis of ‘alienation’ in Marxism to ask for my number. 42

On the upside, when you’re beautiful people paint pictures of you and then you can stroke them which is pretty cool.

Beginning to wonder if this was worth the effort. Day 4 4:00pm – I figured if I stay in bed, no one can find me handsome. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Well I’ll just stay clear of the beholders. One fatal flaw in my plan – intelligence is as attractive as looks. The clinical precision of my own logic gives me wood. I think it’s time to call this quits.

Becoming Grounded: Splits, Morality, and Alarming Noises – Tom Nuttall Reasoning: Having tried, and promptly failed, my initial plan to give up men for new year, I decided I would instead endeavour to become as flexible as my morals. Whilst I have not yet reached the ground, progress has been made and I would like to point out that the best resolutions are meant to last much longer than a week. Several well -illustrated Internet tutorials have been bookmarked and I anticipate a full (and glamorous) split by the end of May Week. Should this happen, I will be promptly leaving Cam 43

bridge to pursue my career as a drag queen and take this opportunity to thank you all for your friendship and patience. Anyone who hears alarming noises within the area of staircase 45, please do not be distressed it is either the success of my second resolution or the failure of my first.

Tom casually studying for his exams few months from now.

Going Vegan; or, The Only Person We Know With Self-Discipline – Nora Kertesz Anyone who has ever been to Hungary will know that food usually consists of meat, with a side of meat, topped up with some cream. Vegetables are either potatoes or strictly aesthetic, like a solitary parsley leaf. So it would seem that going vegetarian was drastic enough. However, when you can still have all the cheese and sweets over Christmas you’re not necessarily going to have a healthy diet. Turning to the most cliché New Year’s resolution, I wanted to eat healthier (and as an added bonus limit my college spending). It seemed like the extreme version to go vegan for a few days. Having spent much of my vacation wandering in the depth of YouTube, watching vegan videos, instead of reading Foucault, finally paid 44

out, as I started the experiment excited to try all these recipes, and honestly this made it really easy. I made and ate oatmeal, curries, wraps, couscous, rice and pasta with fresh vegetables, hummus and falafel, as well as fresh fruit in abundance – 3 mangoes for breakfast or 5 bananas in one sitting, easy! And I had all the energy – the few times I had coffee were either social interactions or to support an all-nighter. But I also realised that eating out is hard, and broke the experiment twice, for not wanting to be the “annoying vegan” making a special order. I also found out later, that hash browns are not vegan (sadly) and neither is Somersby’s Cider (worryingly!). I don’t think I will stay vegan because cheese exists and it is magnificent, but I would recommend the experiment. It’s easier, cheaper and more satisfying than you probably think!

Hungarian cuisine aka the vegan inferno

Review Sub-Editor | Mimi Evagora-Campbell

Sub-Editor | Hannah Bowstead

Do you know what is depressing? Week 3 of Lent term, when the winds are so fierce you end up mostly cycling backwards, and when Spring Ball, the only salvation in a dismal term of misery, is still a whole fortnight away. Do you know what isn’t depressing? Food. That’s why we’ve cooked up a feast of delectable morsels for this issue’s Review section, especially for you lucky buggers. We’ve sourced only the finest ingredients, combined them with our expert touch, and seasoned to taste. We’ll take you on a palatable pilgrimage to Hotel Chocolat, and give you the lowdown on whether those ‘Tasty’ recipes that keep clogging up your news feed actually work. Most importantly, we can officially and definitively tell you which of the bar’s many culinary delights will cure your hangover the fastest. So go on, eat up. Lick the plate clean. We won’t judge. After all, in the immortal words of Shakespeare, ‘If Winston be the food of love, read on.’ 46

‘Tasty’ Review Sarah Herniman + Zee Mitha Recently, food-prep videos have dominated our Facebook timelines. Whether it be ‘Tasty’, ‘Buzzfeed Food’ or ‘The Food Bible’, they all make cooking look ridiculously easy with the potential for complex dishes being prepared in half an hour tops.

After getting hooked on these cooking tutorials, I was asked to test a few out and drafted in Zee to help me due to my complete lack of basic cooking ability. Being lazy with cooking in college, we thought trialling these videos might give us some inspo. We decided to do one main course and one dessert from the ‘Tasty’ page:

One-Pot Pad Thai The Pad Thai was sick, probably due to our amazing cooking abilities. Opting for pre-cooked noodles and a pre-made sauce, it was quite a quick and easy meal. However, some of the ingredients were quite rouge (sesame oil) so unless you cook Thai food often and already have them, it could be quite expensive. We did have a bit of trouble finding the Pad Thai sauce and even ventured to the big out-oftown TESCO in search for it. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying one rather than two packets of Sesame oil: go sauce which (yes Zee, you were ‘rogue’ or go right) wasn’t enough. So, aside to hall. from the bland Pad Thai-esque fla 47

vour, everything went smoothly and the video was easy to follow. Note: The shallots burned our eyes until we cried, so we would recommend cutting them out of an open window / asking that one friend you don’t really like to do it for you.

‘Tasty’ version

Our version

Appearance: 7/0 Taste: 8/10 Difficulty: 2/10

Salted Chocolate Caramel Shortbread Slice Being a massive fan of the bar’s version of this tasty delicacy, we thought we’d try it out for ourselves. Once we worked out how to open the oven, the shortbread was in and started to form that golden brown colour us Essex lot strive for. The caramel filling was surprisingly easy, despite what they tell you on Bake-Off (they ain’t got nothing on us). There were a few problems with split chocolate (I legit can’t cook for shit) but once it was all put together and sprinkled with some “This is the best salt from the ocean it tasted pretty damn gooood. Emma Sharples, our thing I’ve ever harshest critic, said: “This is the tasted.” best thing I’ve ever tasted in my 48

entire life”, but don’t quote us on that… One thing that was a bit annoying was that you have to wait for each layer to cool before applying the next one. To quote my good friend Sweet Brown, ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that’. Maybe save this one for a weekend when you have time to stick on some Biebz and de-stress.

‘Tasty’ version

Our version

Appearance:5/10 Taste: 8/10 (better than the bar) Difficulty: 6/10

The basic issue we had with the ‘Tasty’ page was the measurements. They are all given in ‘cups’, which we just did not have. It doesn’t help that cups converted to grams is slightly different for each ingredient, so the recipes required a basic level of maths, which proved quite difficult. This led to a little bit (a lot) of guesswork with regards to the measurements. Also, a few of the recipes are quite long-winded and not particularly student friendly - our needs of ‘quick, easy and minimal effort’ are not really catered for. However, finding a video that is suitable is definitely worth it and we can’t wait to try out some more!

Overall rating of ‘Tasty’ : a solid 7/10 49

Hotel Chocolat: book me a room. Or twelve Hannah Bowstead It’s cold. It’s raining. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning, for crying out loud. But, alas, this is the only time the entire Spring Ball committee is likely to be free for a site walkthrough. And so here I find myself, at my second 8am start in as many days, yawning, being rained on, my frozen fingers struggling to hold my pen. I seriously start to question the nature of my existence. Fast forward one hour, and I’m stuck in my 9am Greek class, or, in other words, yet another fun-filled round of ‘Hannah Guesses the Tenses of Greek Verbs.’ By this stage, it’s becoming clear that yesterday’s sniffles are developing into a fully-fledged cold. “What’s this verb, Hannah?” asks my Greek tutor. “Aorist…middle…optative?” I say wildly, sniffling into a tissue. “No, wait. Passive. Subjunctive. Repulsive?”

My Greek tutor slowly places her head in her hands. Wearied by these two painful hours, I trudge through the rain towards Hotel Chocolat, on the way making the important and soulcrushing discovery that my beloved brown boots are no longer waterproof. I meet my friends outside, we go in, and I order the so -called ‘Love Potion’ – a hot chocolate made with raspberry and white chocolate, with a raspberry whip and chocolate flakes on top. I sink my fatigued limbs into a sofa, warm my withered hands on the mug, and then take my first sip. 50

They were not all for me, however much I wish they had been.

And, just like that, all is sweetness and light. Suddenly, everything seems right with my life. The Spring Ball meeting was focussed and productive, and hey, who actually knows Greek verbs anyway? I take another sip. Rays of sunshine burst into the shop, birds and butterflies erupt from every corner, the heavens open and a choir of angels sings the Hallelujah chorus.

No but really. It’s simply perfect. The raspberry whip – truly a full dessert in its own right – light, fluffy, and melt-in-your-mouth delicious; the smooth white chocolate like the warm, dulcet tones of a baritone; the sharp raspberry like a clear and resonant soprano. It’s a whirlwind love affair, and it’s all over too fast. Sadly (though happily for my waistband) I have to head back to the faculty for a history lecture, but by this stage I’m filled with renewed energy. Lectures? Pah. I can take over the world if I want.

ne week later, and I’m back. Last week’s O cold has gone – a speedy recovery which I am convinced is the direct consequence of the hot chocolate. This time, I opt for the salted caramel hot chocolate, while Cat, highly esteemed outgoing Women’s Officer and my Classicist partner in crime, chooses hazelnut. And it’s glorious all over again. Mine is the perfect balance between silky smooth milk chocolate and kicks of salt; Cat’s is earthy and wholesome (practically healthy), but perhaps not for someone whose sweet tooth is as pronounced as mine. ‘A laudable luxury,’ Cat says, alliteratively.

‘Is £3.95 too great a price for eternal bliss?’

Some would say that £3.95 is too much for a hot chocolate, especially when one can be purchased for half that price at Churchill’s very own bar. To these heathen non-believers, I ask: is £3.95 too great a price for eternal bliss? For I don’t think I would be exaggerating to say that these humble hot chocolates have changed my life. I have renewed purpose to my existence. I walked out of Hotel Chocolat a different person. Go. For the sake of your mortal soul, go. And give me a wave when you arrive. 6/5. Would £3.95 again. 52

Churchill Bar’s Hangover-Cures: A Review Mimi Evagora-Campbell It’s a cold, empty Monday afternoon and, oppressed with tiredness and drowsiness, I make my way to Churchill bar to take on the honourable task that awaits me: exploring the bar’s mighty selection of goods in search of the ultimate hangover-cure. 4 trustee companions - Tara, Emma, Ellie and Sarah - assist me with the experiment by rating their physical and psychological well-being immediately following sampling each item.

1) Melon Refresher Smoothie Refresher by name, refresher by nature! (Note: this slogan is brought to you by Tara Philips) This underrated bar special is a winner. Not only does it provide you with copious amounts of sugar to give you that wellneeded pick-up, but it also lifts your mood by giving you a false sense of fruit-filled healthiness!! The vibrant flavours leave you feeling ready to take on the world! Percentage Cured: 100%

2) Roast veg and mozzarella Panini This absolute bar classic provides you with all the flavours your hungover palette requires. Also, with its satiating warmth comes top marks for comfort. However, the Panini can be rather saturating, and has been found to leave some with a post-carb insulin spike, leaving you feeling worse-off than before. Others abandoned this item after one bite 53

with complaints that the flavours brought back harrowing memories of the previous night’s Nana Mexico.

Percentage cured: -15%

3) Victoria Sponge cake At first sight, this cake appears to embody the source to all of your post-SNK problems. Sponge, cream, jam – what’s not to like? However, do not be deceived. For by the time you arise from your slumber and make it to the bar to redeem your confectionary prize, you will face a solitary unwanted slice, left-over and dried-out, sitting in the remaining crumbs of what was. This cake will leave you feeling dissatisfied and cheated. Sponge cake? More like sponge fake. Percentage cured: 30%

Do you also want to eat food for free and then write about it? Yes, I hear you scream with your innocent little jowls. Well turn to p.58 for information about how you can run this motherfucking ship.

Â 55Â

There is no explanation. You want to know what it means? It doesn’t meme anything.

Winston Editorship Application Are you a fun, intelligent, thoughtful, interesting person who loves having fun but is also like really good with words and computers and stuff and like this one time wrote this one thing which was pretty good I guess but anyway like you’re totally into news sometimes and also are in touch with the youth and cultural phenomenon of today and have like one friend who is kind of the same as you and you have a pretty good dynamic and wanna do something to distract from the yawning void of encroaching death? Then YOU should apply for the Winston coeditorship for 2016-2017. Or get some therapy about that death shit. I don’t know. Probably the first one.

Your two blesséd co-editors are gracefully retiring from the stage after our final bow next issue and new people need to replace us. Preferably a fresh, naïve, wide-eyed pair who do not feel the heavy oppression of the worlds cares. Don’t worry. Soon you will become saturated by bitter cynicism. Its great fun. Not.

To apply, please put your names, reasons for applying and vision for the future of the Winston on an A4 page and then put this A4 page in the pidge of either Millie Foy or Rahul Savadia (whomever you like best). Do this by 20th February and YOU will be under consideration for the Winston editorship.

#regularcolumnfordominthewinston 58

Acknowledgments Big shout-out to Mimi ‘Basic’ Robson, Dom ‘DOMination’ Wheeler and Jonny ‘PREMinition’ Holland for being the three fresher's brave enough/gullible enough to provide ANOTHER contribution to the Winston. We don’t know why you do it but we like it. TOM NUTTALL. OM NUTTALL T. M NUTTALL TO. NUTALL TOM. UTTALL TOM N. TTALL TOM NU. TALL TOM NUT.™ ALL TOM NUTT. (?? worthy of consideration) LL TOM NUTTA. L TOM NUTTAL. TOM NUTTALL. You made a beautiful cover, even if it was for corporate gain, and we know that one day, as well as being a thoroughly satisfying lover, you will also be a leading designer designing things for people who can actually pay you.

Columnists, thank you for staying with us and not transferring to the Tab/Varsity/TCS. We know you are big fishes in a small pond longing for the ocean. One day you will be free. We are glad that day is not today.

Well-done sub-editors. We know its hard and you’re on the brink of disillusionment but it still isn’t showing through your articles. We are very happy that nobody will ever know how much you resent us. 59