The Winston: Michealmas issue 2015 by Churchill College

Editorial

(Squad donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be photogenic when squad can edit shit.)

It’s still Michaelmas? Really? Why is that? Who decided that? Where do I find them? What is their address? Can you show it to me on a map? Is arson still illegal? Will you deliver them my hand written letter of discontent? No? Whatever. So apparently it is week 5 now and bright young things all over Cambridge are becoming disillusioned and dark and old. Whatever. So here’s some articles you might like and shit but maybe not. You got your own free will. Whatever. In other news, following the intense competition during the Winston Committee soiree hosted last week, I, Millie Rose Foy, of House of Windsor, must concede that Rahul Jeremiah Savadia, Fancy man of Bombay, is the NOMINAL Editor-in-Chief for this issue. Whatever. A short word from the victor: “I’m now the Editor-in-Chief” Inspiring stuff. Keep it chill Churchillians. Or, you know. Whatever.

Sub-Editor | Lucy Morgan

College

COL

News! News! News! News! Read all about it! Welcome to the Churchill College news section. We’re here to bring you the details of all the goings-on up here on the hill. Sure, Churchill isn’t a particularly big college, but the middle of term is drawing near, and it is very easy to get lost in your own little library bubble and miss out on the wonderful events around you. For example, did you know about that whole CUSU affiliation debate? This edition Cat Weston is here to tell you just how good it is that we didn’t disaffiliate. The Winston once again proves to be a platform for anyone, even James Murphy, who some have named the ’newest Ken Coumbe’. Do you think we missed something important? Don’t hesitate to bring us the best unheard part of Churchillian life next issue.

CUSU: One Flaw We Can Fix Cat Weston Right, let’s make this clear from the start. I’m pro-CUSU. I voted for staying affiliated. Yet my being pro-CUSU is not a wholesale endorsement of everything they do. And why should it be expected to be? I’m pro-hat but, to my ongoing dismay, I’m unable to rock all hats. One thing in particular from Monday’s debate gave me pause for thought. The question was asked of Priscilla, and either because she genuinely didn’t hear (it was kinda rowdy) or in an impressive political move, the question wasn’t really addressed. But it needs to be. Especially if we’re going to be reviewing our CUSU affiliation annually. After a leave supporter brought up CUSU’s failure to provide help with an issue approximately four years ago, Priscilla trotted out the typical line of “I will not take responsibility for the work of previous teams, it’s not fair to hold me accountable.” And she’s right, of course. But, as my fellow Churchillian pointed out, if we are to draw a line in the sand at the end of each team’s time in office – only one year – then how can we take anything CUSU say seriously?

‘I’m unable to rock all hats.’ - Cat Weston

Priscilla promised to make grounds in eradicating affiliation fees altogether, but warned it was a process, and would take time (at least one year to figure out an approved alternative, another year to put into effect). But what’s to stop next year’s president from going back on this? There needs to be some sort of continuation in commitment and direction of work between teams.

And we don’t need just to recognise this problem, yell about the unaccountability of CUSU and disaffiliate. What we should do is recognise this flaw and work on it. We are all Cambridge students. CUSU is OUR students’ union. As an affiliated college, we can go to CUSU council, and make sure this issue is addressed. For CUSU to be held accountable, someone has to do the accounting. And that someone could, and should, be us. So let’s ensure this, and other problems we have, are put on CUSU’s agenda.

‘How can we take anything CUSU say seriously?’

My Fresher Experience James Murphy Cold. Dark. Concrete. Those were the first thoughts that hit me as I walked into the building. As I lugged myself and my 14 tog duvet into the porters lodge I paused for a second and wondered: is this the place for me? My mind flicked back to memories of my bright-green bedroom in Reading with my extra -large bed and groovy lava-lamp. Alas the 3 hours I had been separated from it seemed like eternity. What would my new room be like? If it didn't have blackout curtains, I was going to cry.

James’ groovy lava-lamps remain 70 miles away in Reading. Alone. Uncherished. A peculiar man in a bright pink polo shirt greeted me. I was dazed for a second - the brightness too much for me - but I quickly came back to my senses. He handed me a freshers’ pack and told me where my room was. I waddled through the never-ending concrete jungle to try to find my staircase. What is it with Churchill and staircases? I mean Harry Potter had a staircase, but this isn’t Hogwarts. Eventually I found it and began to bound up the stairs to my room. I reached the door and opened it slowly… 7

NOT EVEN A F**KING CARPET!! Who in their right mind thinks it’s OK to give students a room without a carpet? The emotions became too much and I burst into tears from both ends, leaving a puddle on my floor. I curled up inside my 14 tog duvet and fell asleep. I slowly opened my eyes; stretched and crawled out of my duvet. I check my phone. Fuck. It had happened again. 30th October. Why do I have a hibernation problem? I missed all of freshers’ week. I’ll bet no one even thinks I'm real. This isn't how the first term in Cambridge was supposed to be, now everyone's going to think I'm a fucking hedgehog. I'm just going to have to become the biggest lad ever. That should fix it. Scrolling through Facebook I spot my opportunity. Boomslang on 31st October. That's when I will make my comeback. For I am James Murphy, conqueror of everything. See you there ;)

The bare wooden floor: the only thing Mr. Murphy cannot conquer.

Churchill 1st XI Season Preview Henry Berridge-Dunn Having been treading water in the Second Division since the days I was cutting dirty shapes at Year 7 discos, the Churchill Firsts finally had a breakthrough season under Nick Waller last year, storming into the Premier League with an undefeated league record and reaching the Cuppers semi-finals. A 1-1 draw with Girton was all that denied the team a 100% win record in the division and the Cuppers semi-final was only narrowly lost by 1-0 to a penalty from the eventual (and reviled) champions St. Johnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s.

Last yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s invincibles. Despite these impressive credentials, we came into this season widely regarded as underdogs at best and dead rubbers at worst. Varsity newspaper has already consigned us to last place and an immediate relegation back to the Second Division in its annual pre-season review (serious words have been had with the reporter in question) and there were few teams in the Premier League that regarded us as a genuine threat going into the opening weekend. 9

Massive credit to the team, therefore, for making critics across the University eat their words with a fantastic pre-season and immense first weekend victory over (of all teams) St. John’s. Varsity’s aforementioned pre-season review had Fitz down as likely Premier League champions but this didn’t stop us beating them 2-1 with a weakened team in our first game of pre-season, with goals from Ludo Sappa-Cohen and Jean-Luc Weller. Next, determined to avenge the fact that they denied us a 100% win record last season, we travelled to Girton’s mysterious northern fortress (turns out it does actually exist) and came away with another 2-1 victory (goals from Tom Rolph and Jean-Luc).

‘Determined to Avenge’ This was just a warm-up, however, for what would be an incredible opening competitive fixture against St. John’s. We completely blew them away with a performance of incredible intensity and unanswered goals from myself, Ajeet Athwal and the free-scoring JeanLuc. It’s a shame that Selwyn (clearly with their tails between their legs) postponed our following fixture and we have not, as yet, had the opportunity to try and carry this form through the season. 10

With this platform we are beginning to dream that maybe, just maybe, we can defy all expectations and make a genuine challenge for the Premier League title this season. Let’s not forget our campaign to win Cuppers either, which starts with an away fixture against a strong Sidney Sussex side this Saturday.

Our very own Joe Cammack coined the word “visionize” last year and it’s time we started to visionize a new era of Churchill footballing success because if we apply ourselves it really can happen!

‘VISIONIZE’ - A word to live by

Sub-Editor | Nick Ash

Culture

Got a big bag of culture for you folks. A real big heavy bag, like one of them Sainsbury’s For Life bags or some shit. The kind of bag you spend 10p on thinking you’ll use it again, but you won’t use it again. Where was I? Oh yeah, culture. Got a big bag of culture for you folks. A real big heavy bag— wait, no Nick, not again. I’ve reviewed reviewing (reviewception? I don’t know. Whatever). Your glorious Editor-in-Chief has in all his humorous splendour provided another instalment of the flagship Winston staple: Celebrities Say Things. Beth Oliver has charted the inspiring rise to theatrical fame of a humble but stately red armchair. Your less glorious editor/second-in-command has written a personality quiz based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Apparently we’re Buzzfeed now. Whatever. Nick. Out.

Reviewing Reviews Nick Ash What is it about our society’s constant need to review? We even have a sub-section specifically dedicated to it in our prestigious college magazine (a sub-section that is considerably inferior to Culture it goes without saying).

For the wrong reasons, the art of reviewing has recently come to the foreground in relation to the Cambridge theatre scene. One reviewer, for an online newspaper that shall remain nameless, chose to award 1.5 stars to last week’s ADC mainstage production of Frankenstein. She was totally within her right to do that and I don’t want to have to give you the ‘everyone is entitled to their own opinion’ spiel. But she was wrong.

In this particular example, her star-rating did not correspond with the content of her article – content that was sensationalized and exaggerated; a technique that fits this innominate publication’s journalistic style. But by attaching her name to the article she, as all reviewers must do, stuck her neck on the line. She provided an opinion - an opinion poorly articulated and received – but an opinion none the less.

Reviewing can never be anything other than subjective. Nevertheless, the process of reviewing is as much of an art as acting, directing and any other element involved in putting on a show. It particularly irritates me how this one reviewer suggested that the 13

cast of the show didn’t seem committed to it because of apparently ‘lacklustre’ performances. Anyone involved in the Cambridge Theatre scene will know that the pressure on your time of being involved in any show makes you automatically committed to it; why else would you be taking up so much of your time? Time which through some twist of fate is more precious amongst the students of this city than anywhere else. More time needs to be attributed to compiling a review and then editing it because of the impact it has on the show’s cast and crew, their morale and the audience numbers. The fallout from this particular review on this particular website and in its notorious comment sections created such a furore that by the time I saw the show a few days later, the cast looked deflated at curtain call with not a smile to be seen on any of their faces.

*WINSTON EXCLUSIVE* Frankenstein (ADC Theatre) *** Amazing creature acting + physicality thanks to choreography, grunge theme inconsistent and jarring when music forced upon us although set, lighting and costume design were great although cues were noticeably missed, some acting questionable but main pair delivered. - Nick Ash

Research should be put into a review as it should be put into a play. I, as a reviewer for an arguably more esteemed publication, am a firm believer in referencing the playwright. It is lazy reviewing to call it Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein when although the story is based on her novel, the play was created by another: Nick Dear. Usually there is a general consensus amongst reviewers across publications leading to a possible variation of one star here or there. When one individual gives 1.5/5 and others 6/10 and 4/5, the first appears as an anomalous result. This still-unnamed newspaper which you have probably recognised by now, renowned for controversy, has published this review to cause a stir. Quel surprise. But when so much time and effort has gone into a production does a review knocked out in half an hour do it justice? Allegedly, as a result of this newspaper’s poor reviewing the ADC’s biggest show of the term, its musical (this term Sondheim’s Sweeney Todd), has denied free tickets to the reviewer of this newspaper whose name spelt backwards is the type of nocturnal animal that lives in caves. Luckily for the population of Cambridge, I shall be there with my notepad and pen ready to review the show according to the criteria I have just stipulated and which I’d encourage you to hold me to. (Why not end on a shameless plug?)

One Chair, One Stage Beth Oliver This is the story of a humble chair. Just a regular lounge chair, usually a bedroom clothes horse. But this chair became a star of the ADC stage. This is the story of this one chair’s meteoric rise to fame… The early 1800s were radically different to now: powdered wigs, harpsicords, endemic sexism, Napoleon and Mozart were alive, but the main difference was really the furniture. So when you put on a show set in the early 1800s, you have to track some of this furniture down (or at least something like it). Chairs back then had a certain ‘look’, one which we’ve lost in this modern world and which, for the purposes of this show, we had to regain. A search was launched to find an appropriate-looking chair; photographs were taken in antique stores, in colleges, in Churchill’s JCR. We looked everywhere. Then I received a message that tucked away in a friend’s Cambridge home, such a chair existed. A grand piece of high backed red armchair; it was exactly what we needed. Said chair was immediately whisked to fame and stardom at the ADC Theatre. By that very evening, it was in the wings ready to make its Main Show debut. It starred in ‘Amadeus’ to rave reviews for six performances.

‘You can call me Spike’: Beth Oliver is on first name basis with the stars of the ADC 16

Having finished a star turn in one show, this chair sadly awaited return to its everyday life. However, it’s here that the plucky little chair was talent scouted for another starring role in an ADC Main Show. Spotted by the Producer, it was clear that the chair had the talent for another scene-stealing turn. In this role the chair, known as ‘Spike’ to close friends, was even mentioned by the Tab review for its exceptional work as ‘Woland’s high backed chair’. After this whirlwind two weeks, Spike is now returned to its family home. But in those two weeks, this chair has treaded the boards, stolen focus from the actors who sit on it, been included on a renowned photographic theatrical blog and managed to provide five free tickets for the family which lent it. It’s been an unforgettable few weeks for the chair and provided a valuable insight into the world of Cambridge theatre. If you, like ‘Spike’, are interested in getting involved in Cambridge Theatre, don’t hesitate to go to auditions/apply for crew roles and the like. It’s really fun, not at all scary and like this chair, you too could go from no experience to being in two back to back shows in no time!

HAIRvolution: Which Buffy the Vampire Slayer hairstyle represents your personality? Millie Foy WHO ARE YOU?! A question that is not asked enough through the medium of hairstyles from a hit ‘90s show. Let’s rectify that. 1) How often do you receive mail in college? a. The bank writes to me saying I have no money. The loan people write to loan me money. College writes to inform me that they are taking it again. It’s a vicious cycle. b. Paper bound messages are for Luddites and people like Jeremy Clarkson who hate the planet. c. I would be devastated if the frequency of mail received from my pen pal Jerome decreased to less than biweekly. d. If we choose not to count the randomly distributed flyers, then none. I however choose to count them. They count. e. We can receive mail in college?! 2) What are your feelings toward the Hepworth? a. It perfectly compliments the Brutalist architecture of Churchill College. b. It attracts tourists to college who would not otherwise be here and so is the root cause of woe. c. It makes for a nice backdrop for pictures when we all dressed up ‘n’ pretty. d. THE HEPWORTH IS MY URINAL. I intend for my urine to both sully the sculpture that I hate and, in an impulse I do not fully understand, to claim it as my own. 18

e. The what? 3) What do you have in your fridge right now? a. The essentials: butter, bacon, beer and other alliterative condiments. b. Buying perishable foods is a capitalist conspiracy. Only rice will last the long cold winter. #therevolutioniscoming c. Fruit and vegetables because I am a vegan and no heathen. d. One carton of spoilt milk. e. I think you are mispronouncing ‘hall’.

4) When you accidently bump into a stranger what do you say? a. Nothing. Whatever. Who cares. Just gotta keep walkin’ the walk, hustlin’ on the streets, grindin’ the daily grind. b. ‘I’m so sorry!’. Even though it was their fucking fau – ‘Oh no, it was my fault entirely, so sorry!’. c. You can’t bump into strangers if you never leave college. d. I’m far too graceful/reverenced to bump into people. People part before me like the red sea. e. It wasn’t an accident. At least we both know who is alpha fe/male now. 19

5) Which statement best reflects your attitude toward Life? a. It isn’t my favourite club in Cambridge but this is Cambridge and beggars can’t be choosers. b. Quids in is the social highlight of my calendar year and the unique stench of sweat and spilt drinks haunts my most erotic dreams. c. I’m a Fez/Cindies patron myself. Because I have class. d. An adequate response is far too complex to be contained within and explained by a mere sentence. You suck Millie. e. Choosy choosers could choose other choices, but when I’m drunk AF I care not one wit. 6) What does Netflix mean to you? a. £10 a month I pay for my second cousin, girlfriend’s brother and some bloke called Terry from the pub to watch T.V. and fuck up my recommended viewing suggestions. b. I’m a serious Cambridge student with no time for frivolous indulgences such as ‘fun’ and ‘relaxation’. (Lol jk I have Netflix, it’s pretty good). c. Net-what? Can I read it? Do I find it in a library? d. The way of life. The Religion. Faith. Hope. Salvation. The only means of connecting with my fellow human beings. e. Nothing without the ‘chill’. Wheyyyyy.

Now calculate your results: Question: 1

Question: a. = 4

b. = 5

b. = 2

c. = 3

d. = 2

d. = 5

e. = 1

a. = 5

a. = 4

b. = 3

b. = 2

c. = 2

c. = 5

d. = 4

d. = 3

e. = 1 3

a. = 4

a. = 2

e. = 1 6

a. = 4

b. = 5

b. = 2

c. = 3

d. = 4

d. = 5

e. = 1

The results are in, your soul has been analysed. If you scored: 6-9 The OG ‘Neanderthal’ matted hair look. You’re unkempt and you like it. Culture, etiquette, sophistication: these things mean nothing to you in your pursuit of REAL GRITTY LIVING. Beer, you like beer. Conjunctives. You don’t like those. If there is anything better than drinking or sex you have yet to find it. As your Neanderthal spirit animal would say – ‘ugga-ugga’. 21

10—15 The ‘Fresh-from-the-Valley’ fringe updo combo. You’re cute and sweet and a bit naïve. Like Buffy, you’re adjusting to the new world into which you’ve been thrust and are trying to make it work. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stay the same bubbly and fun person you were before. Darkness and danger may lie ahead but a cute pair of boots and a sassy comeback will be enough to pull through. 16—21 The ‘maybe cute hairgrips will make me like other girls’ accessorized hair. You’re working too hard to go incognito and conceal your true nature, to conceal the oddity within. But cutesy hair grips aren’t going to fool anyone buddy. You may protest you prefer library fines to swap fines but we don’t believe it. Take that annoying butterfly grip out and let your hair down. You’ve earned a break. 22-27 The ‘my regrettable life choices don’t define me’ bob. Much like Buffy, you have tossed your cares and curls away. Sure, you’re sleeping with a murderous vampire who spent a year trying to kill you, but we were all young once, right? You haven’t quite got it all sorted out yet but you know you will soon and you’ll look good doing it too.

28—30 The ‘I’ve started to realise who I really am and its pretty badass’ knitted hat hair. Your unique and you like it. You’ve got cool friends and cool ideas and sometimes you look in the mirror and think, ‘dayamm that’s one hot person’. You don’t let the man get you down and you certainly don’t let other people tell you how to run your life. Slay girl slay.

Celebrities Say Things Rahul Savadia (Any

resemblance to similar/identical comedy features on other websites is purely coincidental/ deliberate)

“If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me a penny…” George Osborne - on foreign exchange

“It gets to the point where I never really see anyone anymore” Bruce Forsyth - on his tragically declining vision on account of his rapidly increasing age

“I am the Editor-in-Chief” Millie Foy - on Opposite World

“The guy asked if I had 5 more cents so he could give me a dollar bill change. Can you believe that? I stared at him for 6 whole minutes, and watched his steady reserve slowly buckle under my piercing gaze, as his very soul writhed in the agony of a thousand fires, a dark, dark thing put up to the light for the very first time. We’re married now. Life’s funny sometimes.” Kanye West - on love 25

Sub-Editor | Ludo Sappa Cohen

Sports

Ah, reading about sports - it’s what separates us from the animal kingdom.

Lucky for you, we’ve got plates full of the stuff for you to chomp on. Remember that Rugby World Cup? We tell you why that was fun! A crazy German showing up at Anfield? His future is magically revealed in the following pages!

Much has been made of the rivalry between the Winston’s sports section and its BBC counterpart. However, for the first time ever, we challenge the latter’s key site attractions. Lawro versus celeb Prem predictions? Meet Nick Waller versus random people around college.

Enjoyment awaits. Go forth and read.

Why this Rugby World Cup was so damn good Omar Ali + Ludovico Sappa-Cohen Favourite Moment Japan’s historic victory over South Africa in the group stages was truly inspirational. The emotional celebrations after the unexpected result is an indication of what this victory meant to the underdogs. The fixture marked the first encounter between these two nations. Everyone thought South Africa would sail to a comfortable win, but everyone thought wrong. The Japanese took the match by storm, and thanks to some excellent work from the backs and clinical kicking from Ayumu Goromaru, managed to record a memorable win.

‘Everybody thought wrong’. Including you. Especially you.

Favourite Play A terrific offload by Dan Carter after a jinking run against France. Sumptuous rugby, ending with a try - an advert for the game.

Favourite Player Player? Not sure, but I do know who -out performer was: Eddie Jones was lous and what he’s doing with Japan the victory over the Springboks was the highlight) is incredible.

the stand marvel(of which certainly

Good News for the Game Financially, this World Cup has seen its earnings fly like a ball after contact with Fourie du Preez’s boot. 97% of all available tickets were sold and, thanks to fantastic TV audience figures, the total profit generated is in the region of £160 million. That’s big money. Also, given the World Cup represents the sport’s premier money-maker, commercial success has a knock-on effect for the local game: “The World Cup is our financial engine, responsible for 85% of our revenues. That money will be spent on grass-roots rugby and on training, helping the sport to become more competitive” the CEO of World Rugby, Brett Gosper observed. Awesome.

Money. Lots and lots of money.

Klopp on Top at the Kop? Robert Smyth It’s been coming.

Brendan Rogers led Liverpool through a glorious 2013-14 campaign, missing out on the Premier League title by a whisker. But his management since then has been highly questionable: the flowing, attacking football seen in that season has deteriorated as the attacking trident of Suarez, Sturridge and Sterling has begun to break up.

Over £100 million was generated from the sale of two of those players, and yet not a single world-class player entered the team. With such an outlay squandered, it was only a matter of time before someone was axed.

Now Jürgen Klopp has taken the helm at a club full of history, but severely lacking in recent successes.

‘The attacking trident’: superior to the shooting gun or the offensive axe?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m a Liverpool fan and a great optimist. I truly believe that the dominance exhibited throughout the 80s will return. I remember the glory of the 2005 Champions League. We can return to that pinnacle. The real question is whether Klopp is the right man to take us there?

Klopp: the man, the mystery. My first impression is yes, going on what scarce evidence we have thus far. He seems to be able to manage his players well, and, from the high intensity of pressing in Liverpoolâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first few matches, it appears he can motivate them too. He has opted to simplify things tactically, reverting back to the 4-3-3 formation that has been so effective in football throughout the last decade. Certainly, with the backing of the Anfield crowd, he has a solid foundation on which to build a titlewinning team.

Can he do it now? Probably not. The players at his disposal are lacking in confidence and devoid of any winning mentality. It is one thing to bring in a top class manager, who has accomplished so much at Borussia Dortmund (a team who were in a similar situation to Liverpool), but it is quite another for him to embed a new philosophy into a new team.

Additionally, he has no true world-class talent at his disposal. The likes of Lewandowski and Reus at Dortmund meant that Klopp could really test the top teams. But while Sturridge, Benteke, Henderson and co. are a decent bunch of players, whether they have the ability to push on into the elite is still unclear. For now, at least, Klopp will have to make do with his current squad.

The biggest problem for Liverpool has always been the level of expectation. There seems to be a belief that we should always be winning trophies and any manager failing to do so is a disaster. Make no mistake about it: if Liverpool FC truly wants to return to the glory days, a long wait is in order.

Premier League Predictions: Waller vs. Berridge-Dunn Winston Sport's football expert Nick Waller pits his wits against a different guest each issue. This time it’s Henry Berridge-Dunn’s (captain of the Churchill Firsts, author of ‘Churchill 1st XI Season Preview’) turn in the hot seat.

Bournemouth vs Newcastle Waller: My heart says Newcastle has enough to get over the line, but my head says that their defence is too weak. I’ll go with an away win due to Bournemouth’s extensive injury list. Waller : 1-2 HBD: 1-2

Leicester vs Watford HBD: Leicester (and Jamie Vardy in particular) are on fire this season and while an Ighalo-inspired Watford got a great result at Stoke, they just haven’t been scoring enough this season. Waller: 3-1 HBD: 2-0

Man Utd vs West Brom Waller: United are looking good this season, with their defence their most improved asset. Should be another easy home win. Waller: 2-0 HBD: 3-1

Norwich vs Swansea HBD: Norwich has fallen away recently with 3 defeats on the bounce while Swansea lost the plot in September. A solid draw against Spurs and much-needed win against struggling Villa have seen the latter steady the ship this past month, but neither side is lighting up the league at the moment. Waller: 0-1 HBD: 0-1

Sunderland vs Southampton Waller: Sunderland are possibly one of the worst top flight teams Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve seen in a long time (no bias I swear), so I see Southampton running riot here - barring any crazy refereeing calls. Waller: 0-4 HBD: 1-3

West Ham vs Everton HBD: West Ham has been my team of the season so far this year and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d argue that Dimitri Payet was the signing of the summer. Having already beaten Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester City and minnows Chelsea I expect the Hammers and the ever-impressive Slaven Bilic to do another job on the Toffees here Waller: 2-2 HBD: 3-1

Stoke vs Chelsea Waller: Stoke knocked Chelsea out in the League cup recently but were exceptionally 33

lucky in that game and I don’t see them repeating the trick. Surely Chelsea will improve at some point? Waller: 0-2 HBD: 2-1

Aston Villa vs Man City HBD: Sherwood’s gone, but there’s very little hope for improvement in my eyes. Sterling and De Bruyne look like inspired buys while Otamendi is finding his feet in defence after a slightly shaky start. Waller: 1-4 HBD: 0-4

Liverpool vs Crystal Palace Waller: Liverpool look decidedly dodgy under new manager Klopp, but there is no doubting his managerial prowess. Palace is very good away from home, however, so a draw is a fair result in this one. Waller: 1-1 HBD: 1-1

Arsenal vs Tottenham HBD: Sol Campbell of retirement and goals for Arsenal there’s no chance jective about the ON YOU SPURS!

to sensationally come out score a hat-trick of own (a man can dream). Sorry of me being in any way obNorth London derby, COME

Waller: 3-1 HBD: 0-3 34

Sub-Editor | Nora Kertesz

Comment

As week 5 is undeniably upon us, we’ve all had enough of the library, lectures and supervisions – in one word: education. So why not make this issue’s Comment section exceptionally educational? (That’s how logic works, right?)

Providing further advice on how to train your land economist (a very highmaintenance species indeed), as well as on how to deal with enemies of the revolution, as Sexy Socialism returns, you are well prepared for any social situation involving a Conservative buddy. We also have a highly informative piece by our sport’s editor and serious historian, Ludo Sappa Cohen, entitled “Netanyahu: Historian or Wanker?”

So sit back and enjoy how the knowledge seeps into every corner of your brain, killing any trace of that nasty week-5blues! 35

Having friends who are enemies of the revolution:

Sexy Socialism | a column by Madeleine Jones-Casey

I can’t carry you all My childhood was spent playing in the back of socialist meetings and Labour clubs that my family was attending or that my dad was speaking at and being taken out of primary school to protest against wars. My upbringing secured my survival in the inevitable postrevolution purge. However when I came to Cambridge, I slowly began to realise that the people I had become close friends with hadn’t been prepared as I had. Quite frankly there is no other way to say it: my friends would not survive the revolution. “Come to the free Cava reception, Madi!” Uh, free Cava? Uh, hell yeah I will. “Just so you know, it’s organised by the Conservative Society..” The sweet, sweet call of free alcohol beckoned me much in the way capitalism beckons a worker to sell her labour: promising fruitful rewards if she complies yet guaranteeing the bitter taste of regret soon after. But I know what I’m about, son, I stayed in college and kept my cool commie wits about me. Fast-forward to a few hours in the library for me (watching Corbyn slay PMQs on iPlayer of course- I’m a socialist, not a nerd), and a few hours of drinking copious amounts of Cava for my friends and we were all in the bar together. One of my best friends, who had disclosed to me merely a week earlier that “I would have voted Green in the election had I really thought they could do what they said” shouted “I’M BUYING EVERYONE DRINKS”, “G&T DOUBLES FOR EVERYONE”. It had happened. Another one of my friends had CAVA’d her name into the counter revolutionary ranks.

For a second, lets put aside the fact that they have an expiration date of around 3-4 months into the post-revolution order… Perhaps my Tory mates were a learning experience? Maybe I had been wrong all along, and these new-found friends were to save me from the menace of socialism?

‘How I feel in Cambridge’ #ToryMates #DatPrivilegedLyf There has been a few times, especially over summer when I was back with my comrades, when I genuinely thought that perhaps my views had been a tad extreme. But then, when working with an MP I got a call in her office from a man who had had his benefits sanctioned for 1 week while the Department of Work and Pensions investigated whether he had really been looking for work – Tory reform means that sanctioned benefits drop straight to £0. He told me through tears that what he had been doing is looking for work. What he hadn’t been able to do is afford to eat for the past four days, or to go and see his children or stop his heating from being shut off. He also told me that he was either going to starve to death or kill himself. He didn’t survive the week. The Department of Work and Pensions got 37

back to the office, his sponsor was right – he had been looking for work. After this incident my counter-revolutionary pal’s rants against “benefit scroungers” have become far harder to listen to. My usual ‘sit back safe in the knowledge that they are wrong’ approach has given way to a ‘stand up, explain to them what, in reality, is gwarnin, then bust out my deep house mix of the Internationale’ approach.

‘There are two ways to react to your counter-revolutionary friends: All out Che or the Corbyn side-eye’

Return of the Tweed

How To Train Your Land Economist | a column by Robert Smyth

Or wool. Whatever. Your first dinner party has passed. Your new Land Economist was a sensation. And at this point you are feeling as smug as Mr Cameron the morning after the election. You’ve followed last issue’s guide to the letter and it worked perfectly! But your work is not over. Indeed, it has barely begun… Week five is fast approaching and nothing will compound the blues like the loss of your party centrepiece. While Land Economists have an unerring ability to attract the best of chaps to their side, it is far too easy for them to undo all that good work with a misplaced word. Yes, in this issue I will be teaching you how to keep your Land Economist out of disrepute. Or more specifically, how to keep them out of the Tab. Ah, I see you recognise the name. The Tab is well-known throughout Cambridge as the hub of all gossip and the breeding ground of controversy. With journalists on every corner, microphones on every street, and eyes across Cambridge, there is no faster way for a Land Economist to fall to disgrace than to feature in here.

‘The greatest enemy to your distinguished acquaintance.’ 39

So I’ve decided to impose a couple of rules to help evade these pesky journalists…

1) Keep political discussions behind closed doors. Of course you know that increasing the inheritance tax threshold while cutting tax credits is the best way to deal with the deficit. But this sound view is often vilified in the media, and any journalist that hears this, or similarly sensible ideas, may launch your Land Economist head first into the front page.

‘A clever chap indeed.’

2) Don’t answer their questions. Land Economists are very good conversationalists, but give them a question and panic will descend. As their mind begins to numb, the portion of their brain which processes future consequences ceases to function, leaving them susceptible to a compromising question.

‘What you should hear when a journalist asks a question.’ 40

3) Avoid cameras. And microphones. And all other equipment which could record a response. In fact, the best response to any Tab Journalist is to distract them with a bigger story and then flee while their story-craving eyes are drawn away. For example: “Look! A posh man beating up a homeless child!” This should keep their attention for at least ten minutes.

‘The TAB is always watching…’

With your Land Economist secure in his social standing, you can stride onwards to week five knowing that all is well. But remain vigilant; those journalists could be anywhere...

Netanyahu: Historian or Wanker? Ludovico Sappa-Cohen So, the Holocaust was the brainchild of a Palestinian mufti. Yeah sure, it doesn’t appear in the minutes from the meeting between said mufti and Hitler in 1941, but fascists are notoriously timid in asserting their opinions. Remember: this was Hitler’s go-to mufti; his all-in-one religious councilor, policy adviser and travel agent.

Or not. For a paragraph of 53 words, the above introduction took me one hell of a long time to write. Why? I’m not entirely sure, although it’s probably something to do with the genuinely difficult task of thinking-up anything that constitutes more of a fucking joke than Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s recent accusation.

Make no mistake: Haj Amin al-Husseini was a foul anti-Semite with a tendency for racist and genocidal DMCs with the Führer. But I’m not about to explain to a bunch of Cambridge students why, as a spokesperson for Angela Merkel promptly acknowledged, “responsibility for [the Holocaust] is German.” Nor am I prepared to delve into the reasoning behind such drivel - ‘peace rejectionism’ is far too complex and nuanced to scribble about over a few hundred words. What I will talk about, however, is the consequence of The Netanyahu Interpretation of History.

The last piece I wrote in the Winston was a commendation of the truly warm and positive response of the football community to the refugee crisis (Sports section; pick it up, brilliant read). Yet, Netanyahu’s remarks represent the antithesis of this sentiment they demonise Arabs by transferring to them Europe’s responsibility for one of the worst atrocities ever committed and, in doing so, perpetuate the momentum of far-right Islamophobes.

Of course, some will argue that Netanyahu’s comments won't to be taken seriously - even by those most viciously hostile to the incoming refugees. I don’t buy it; take a second to scrawl through the comment section of any of Britain’s leading publications who reported the speech and then tell me no one agrees with, or seems happy to utilise the words of, Netanyahu.

In a crisis where chants such as “Today refugees, tomorrow terrorists” can be heard in Warsaw and anti-immigrant parties such as Matteo Salvini's Lega Nord are growing their presence in Italy, we just couldn’t afford having a powerful world statesman stirring the pot of hate. But he has, and hopeless refugees will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Not that the Israeli PM cares; his government has itself been the cause of a large refugee crisis, with last summer’s conflict in Gaza only escalating the issue. What bother is it to him whether a Syrian is confronted with hatred and abuse along an overpacked and uncertain journey to safety?

The round criticism of Netanyahu by academics within and without Israel is a bright spot, but the damage already inflicted by such a callous statement of untruth is hugely irresponsible and represents an ugly manipulation of sentiment about the Holocaust.

Sub-Editor | Mimi Evagora-Campbell

Sub-Editor | Hannah Bowstead

Review

And now for the section where we bring to you our thoughts – both critical and commendatory - on the things that matter to us and we think might matter to you: books, films, live performance and much more! This week we present you with a ruthless scrutiny of Spectre – the latest Bond film, fresh onto the screens of Cambridge; a glowing appraisal of Newham Smoker – our university’s feminist comedy night; and an in-depth discussion of what Lena Dunham brings to the table regarding women’s issues in her 2014 book ‘Not that kind of girl : a young woman

tells you what she's "learned"’. So, if you’re looking to find the most fruitful way to spend your Tuesday evenings in Cambridge, craving some intimate insight into the nitty-gritties of womanhood, or simply pondering whether Daniel Craig’s time really is over or whether he is, as Eve Moneypenny would have it, ‘just getting started’ then read on dear friends!

Newnham Smoker is Smoking Hot Cat Weston **** As to the origin of the term ‘Smoker’ for comedy, I’m clueless. What I do know is that last Friday’s Newnham Smoker was the funniest thing I have witnessed in months – and I watch a lot of comedy shows (Big Bang Theory anyone?). The Smoker is billed as feminist comedy, but that by no means equates to only female comics. Indeed, half the night’s acts were male. With about a dozen performers, all with different styles, some telling a story, others tackling a range of topics head-on, there really was something for everyone.

Newnham’s own Mattie Weschler took to the stage with a hilarious account of a terribly awkward first date, arranged via a dating site. Featuring a tea house and toothpaste, the date could not have gone any worse (but they also encountered a cute puppy and what’s more important than that?). Finding out on arrival that her date lied about her age, since you have to be at least 18 to register, was just the beginning of the awkwardness…

‘The date could not have gone any worse’

The headline act, Gráinne Maguire, brought in last minute after a cancellation, was brilliant (and not just because of the Irish accent, although that definitely helped!). A set that ranged from studying history, to a distrust of science, to a girl crush on Angela Merkel a.k.a. a hungover Hilary Clinton, she delivered all the jokes in a bubbly and personable style. The highlight of her set was her insight into the clubbing scene – staying out later and later, sure that the ‘fun’ you’ve been promised is right around the corner. It reminded me of one too many nights in Life, stubbornly remaining in the sweaty red depths, sure that I would soon start having the time of my life (*spoiler* I didn’t).

The night was compered by another Newnhamite, Callie Vandewiele, and the hype she inspired in the crowd would have made even our bowtied JCR Pres proud. A US Cantab, she amused us with all things quintessentially British from an outsider’s perspective (we all know we’re famed for our queues, but apparently we’re not hiding our simmering anger at queue -jumpers all that well). Between acts she did an impressive job of engaging the crowd. My favourite: she asked about the dick-pic phenomenon, and one audience member replied she was so fed up of receiving them that to one particular ‘suitor’ she sent back a Google image, having made sure to find a more impressive specimen!

Other than the headliner, the acts were all students – so yes – some were more nervous, and others had a greater stage presence, but all-in-all I was impressed and in awe of the people who got up there. One act (from ‘the other place’, boo, hiss) even had me laughing at science. And I’m a Classicist.

With all proceeds going to the fantastic cause of Amnesty International, you got to feel good while doing good.

The next performance is December 4th and I’ve already marked the date on my calendar!

The 4th December? This reviewer recommends that you put a ring on it.

Review: ‘Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s Learned’ Emma Sharples ***** This is less a book for us and more a book for Lena Dunham, and not only as a result of her seven-figure advance from Random House. Yes, Lena and I are on first names terms now; so acutely am I aware of the intimacies of her sex life, body insecurities and psychological history. And IT’S ALL REAL. I love non-fiction; file under Caitlin Moran, Amy Poehler and Amy Schumer. Colloquially obscure late nineties/early two-thousand references, some of which you will get (Matthew Perry), and many others that you will not, serve to make Dunham’s work appear both spectacularly accessible and inconsolably isolated all at once.

Miranda July wrote that Lena “simply tells her story as if it might be interesting. The result is shocking and radical because it is utterly familiar.” I would disagree; Dunham’s adolescence is about as far from familiar as you can get from the English jumperwearing GCSE-passing prerogative. Growing up in NYC, both Dunham’s parents were artists and have always treated her as an adult. The Guardian’s review of her work picks up on a moment of Dunham’s, aged 16, when the New York Times for no obvious reason covered a "vegan feast" she threw for her friends where shoes were banned. 49

The book itself appears to move around in a pseudo-mimesis of Dunham’s own erratic childhood. Section one, ‘Love & Sex’ is an addictive read, and could be seen as an obvious opener to a recount intended to shock. Dunham goes all in with a first chapter which includes discussion of her hymen and which necessitates name changes in order ‘to protect the innocent’.

But that is not to say that the rest of the book disappoints. Although it will never be considered amongst the literary High Art, (and nor will anything which included a chapter entitled ‘Who Moved My Uterus?’), Not That Kind of Girl will remain a book which you can devour. On holiday I read it in a week, my friend read it in two days. It is funny and honest, and in a way this book is a little sacrifice. As she puts it, ‘if I could take what I’ve learned and make one menial job easier for you, or prevent you from having the kind of sex where you feel you must keep your sneakers on in case you want to run away during the act, then every misstep of mine was worthwhile’. Dunham has effectively martyred herself for the cause of girlhood. Her unease is our rejoicing in not being alone. Not being that girl. Not being the only girl. What might be interesting is what over-25s take from this boldness – or might it be seen as simply brazen?

I give it 4.5/5 stars. Bonus points for Joana Avillez illustrations. Minus points for the realisation that you won’t have written your autobiography by the time you’re 25. 50

Spectre: not so Spectacular Hannah Bowstead *** I am no Bond connoisseur. Despite repeated attempts to get round to tackling the films, I’ve only actually seen two of them before. And therefore it is with no loyalty to the franchise, no sense of wasted anticipation or dashed expectations that I award the latest Bond film – Spectre – such a mediocre score.

He's back. But is he better than ever?

Don’t get me wrong – it did everything a Bond film typically does. The catchphrases ‘Bond. James Bond’ and ‘shaken, not stirred’ were trotted out almost automatically, and the opening helicopter fight scene assured everyone in the cinema that they had walked into the right screen. Yes, this was definitely a Bond film. And cue musical interlude, in the form of Sam Smith’s new music video. But as the film progressed, it felt too formulaic. A gadget scene, then a seduction scene, then a secret evil villain meeting. The customary car chase was impressively banal – little more than two cars navigating some narrow streets and hairpin bends, more Top Gear racetrack than high-speed spy chase. I felt almost as bored as Bond looked. Watching Moneypenny go through her groceries was more dramatic. 51

Madeleine Swann: packing a punch or lacking a punch? Our new Bond Girl, Madeleine Swann (Lea Seydoux), was almost as conventional as they come. No doubt in an attempt to instil a little more personality into her, the writers equipped her with sporadic sparks of vivacity and strength, which only served to make it all the more frustrating when she turned her back on her ‘I don’t need to be looked after’ mantra in favour of being, well, looked after. The tried-and-tested line of ‘we always have a choice’, which Swann diligently recited, just seemed bland. It will come as no surprise that Spectre gloriously and completely fails the Bechdel test – but that’s not really the point of Bond films, after all.

More concerning than a boring car chase or an unoriginal Bond Girl was the lack of significant twists and turns to the plot. The action was exciting, sure, but the storyline less so. There wasn’t really a moment in the film when I was at a complete loss as to what was going to happen next; though I wasn’t quite 52

able to make accurate predictions, there was nothing that came as a complete surprise to me. There were no sudden moments of dawning realisation. I would have been left disappointed had I thought I would be blown away.

All this is not to say that I didn’t enjoy the film. Spectre, as the majority of films tend to, had its moments. The overall look of the film was stunning, with some beautiful locations and plenty of slick, polished shots. The acting itself was also credible, with Bond’s Secret Service allies in particular offering some of the strongest performances of the film – the dynamic between M (Ralph Fiennes) and new-boy Max Denbigh (Andrew Scott) was both convincing and compelling. Q was as adorable as he was in Skyfall, but then I do have a considerable soft spot for Ben Whishaw.

I’m glad I went. Spectre was a decent film and a pleasant way to spend an evening. But simply being decent isn’t enough for a Bond film. I wanted to leave the cinema in a state of breathless wonder, I wanted still to be recovering from the excitement as I sat down to write this review, but instead I left feeling rather meh. It wasn’t spectacular, it wasn’t even bad; it was just predictable, ordinary and lacklustre – everything that 007 should stand against.

The Winston Social: An Autopsy by newly-crowned Editor-in -Chief Rahul Savadia Journalists are like kettles: they make a lot of coffee and, sometimes, they need to blow off some steam. With that in mind, we trapped our college’s free press in a small, dark room, and are now prepared to give an exclusive report from inside the belly of the dildo. I mean beast. Freudian slip. The night, organised and hosted by the Winston Committee’s social secretary and vomitdragon-in-residence Ellie Wolverson, started with a solemn sharing of “the rules”. Some were standard fare: left-hand drinking and the like. Another left me dubbed “Flower” for the rest of the evening. Such is life. Do not think that the rigid structure of our saucy soiree ended there. Everyone had to contribute a piece of writing: a few paragraphs of fan fiction, a poem or a “report from the morning after”. There were racist sonnets (thanks Millie), heist stories and rap battles abound. But the real agenda of the night was to find the new editor-in-chief, as you may have guessed from my heraldic title. The subeditors submitted challenges, and we their humble leaders obliged, reciting Shakespearean soliloquys with jelly shots in our mouths, running to the bar to ask strangers to bed with us and improvising dramatic death scenes. I’ll gloss over my inevitable victory, since to the fans I know I’ve always been editor-in-chief. 54

What I really want to stress is the revelation I had about three lines into “To be or not to be”, vodka jelly slowly sliding down my reverberating gullet: editing the Winston is fucking fun. Sure there’s some work to it, but having a fun gang and doing fun shit is mighty compensation. Plus there’s the £60,000 salary, dental care, the Christmas bonus and the corporate trip to Malta. Boy does Sharon love her pina-coladas! It’s fine, she works hard at the office.

So write for the goddamn Winston already. Our tenure will not last forever (though our immortal spirits will, obviously, that’s what immortal means you jackasses), and we’re always on the lookout for our next Committee.

Just dil-do it – Nike on writing for the Winston (we’re drinking out dildos here if that isn’t quite clear)