PRIVATE EYE

Hey, sane Utahns! Here's your chance to ask Burgess Owens anything you'd like. He doesn't know Utah and doesn't speak to Utahns, but we can try. Each author of a published question will get a $25 prize from City Weekly.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER(S)

Have you applied for and/or received a payment from the NFL’s billion dollar settlement of the 2012 lawsuit brought by players for their loss of cognitive ability from concussions? —WILLIAM VOGEL

How many seasons did you play without wearing a helmet? —MARK LEES

SEND YOUR ‘ASK BURGESS’ QUESTIONS TO JOHN@CITYWEEKLY.NET

Pray for Smarts

Irecently had three spinal disks fused in my neck, just in the nick of time as it coincided with me getting my second COVID-19 vaccine back in March. The surgery, called an anterior cervical discectomy and fusion (ACDF) was to repair severely pinched nerves in my neck thanks to some compressed disks that left my hands and arms going numb at all times. They still go numb, especially at night, as the nerves recover and figure out how to operate normally again. It’s been pretty crappy. But if I’d have been in a car wreck or rear-ended with my neck all a mess, I could have been a lot worse off. Point is, I needed the surgery, but I also need sleep.

Almost every night, though, either my left side or right side goes numb, and antithetically, it hurts. Couple that with three trigger fingers that need release plus two carpal-tunnel affected wrists needing repair (the effects of 37 years of daily typing), and staying asleep for more than a couple of hours feels luxurious. On the bright side, I’ve seen lots of Utah sunrises lately and my newly adopted habit of going for a bike ride at 7 a.m. has allowed me to meet a new batch of neighbors I never knew existed. Yeah, people work in their yards at the crack of dawn. I had no idea.

Heading to bed each night, I begin to feel dread. Most people feeling relief at the end of a long day can’t wait to hit the pillow. Barring those who use crazy man Mike Lindell’s MyPillow—a scourge of citizens who should have perpetually kinked necks— most sleepers are rewarded with comfort and relaxation for their day’s efforts. I feel dread. I know it’s only a matter of time before something aches. So, I lie there and contemplate. Some people call such times “praying,” and I surely do invoke the Lord’s name here and there. I’ve never been one to pray for myself, though, so it doesn’t feel right to say, “Dear Lord. My hands hurt. Please make them not hurt. Thank you. Your humble servant, John.”

That’s not to say praying isn’t a good thing. I do believe in the power of prayer. I just don’t know if whoever might be listening has the time and will to act on them. So, among other things, I don’t pray for rain. If it’s going to rain, it’s going to rain. Recently, Gov. Cox asked that we all take a moment to pray for rain during what will certainly be a challenging summer regarding Utah’s water resources. We will have barely enough even if we all conserve. But, praying for rain isn’t going to help except in the obtuse way that it causes us all to think more about water conservation in the first place. And that would be a good thing.

So, why don’t we think about conserving water by growing less alfalfa that we to sell in huge quantities to China? In the end, all that does is export our water to China. I thought those rural Utahns were anti-Communists. Well, they are till they profit from them. I never heard it described like that until our Utah Cann Medical Cannabis convention in 2019 when a farmer from Southern Utah shared the idea with me. He said he’d rather grow a crop that Utahns can use instead of one that wastes our precious water and essentially sends it out of state. He wanted to become a cannabis grower. I don’t know if he converted his fields, but if he didn’t, I pray he finds something of more value to use our water on.

Rain won’t help. That only means it’s not raining somewhere else, and people there might need it worse. What God would allow for that? How about we pray to be smart, and for fewer cows, Utah? And pray for my hands, too, OK? CW

Send comments to john@cityweekly.net.

HIT: How We Learn About Racism

C’mon, admit it. You have no idea what Critical Race Theory is, but you’re either totally for or against it. CRT is an academic concept that’s been around for more than 40 years—maybe longer than you’ve been alive. But when you think of race—and racism—do you think about Filipinos, Blacks or Hispanics and what they go through every day? Racism played out recently when someone defaced the Yum Yum Food Truck with epithets and a message to “leave our country.” This, after the truck had been systematically vandalized, with generators taken, locks broken and cooking equipment stolen. Neighbors and friends could see the problem and process it as racism, and Fox13 News reported the donations and support that resulted. It’s curious that the Legislature and state school board think recognizing a history of racism is a controversial concept when the real threat is Critical Caucasian Theory.

MISS: Water Bypassing the Utes

Speaking of race, how about that Lake Powell Pipeline? The Ute Indian Tribe is not happy about it, suing to make their point about unkept promises and a “decadeslong string of racially motivated schemes to deprive it of its rights and property,” according to The Salt Lake Tribune. Back in the ’50s, state and federal governments agreed to extend the project to tribal lands “in exchange for the destruction of lands and fisheries essential to the Ute way of life, state and federal governments.” Things changed and officials conveniently dismissed the agreement. The state continues to push for the pipeline because of expected growth from a water-guzzling population. The U.S. Geological Survey says the average American uses 88 gallons of water a day—Washington County residents use twice that. The Spectrum surveyed 400 Washington County residents to find that most approved of the pipeline, even though almost half knew little or nothing about it. And they really like their grass.

MISS: A GOP League of Their Own

For all the media attention, you’d think women have never, ever thought about running for political office in Utah. Let’s revise that: Republican women. The Deseret News, Holly Richardson, Utah Public Radio—they are all just amazed and thrilled that a group of Republican women has started the PAC Republican Women Lead. Yeah, we never thought about that— or did we? In 2011, YWCA Utah and a host of others including universities and former elected officials from major political parties started Real Women Run, “a collaborative nonpartisan initiative to empower women to participate fully in public life and civic leadership through elected political office at all levels, appointments to boards and commissions, participation in campaigns and engagement in the political system.” It has fielded both Republican and Democratic candidates for office over the years. But we know how that bi-partisan thing has been going in this country and maybe GOP women are wary of a group that includes, well, “socialists.” We also have the PAC Project Elect, seeking to field LDS women for office. So, Republican women—you do you.

Celebrate Refugees

Donald Trump is gone but not forgotten— especially in refugee communities where sanctuary was uncertain. Utah—and specifically Salt Lake County—is home to some 60,000 refugees from countries such as Somalia, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Syria, Iraq, Vietnam, the former Soviet Union and Burma. You can learn more about the crisis and the humanity at the World Refugee Day Celebration. “We will light the night and enjoy the opportunity to reflect on our collective efforts to learn about the experiences of others and think about our actions to create a more just, inclusive and equal world,” organizers say. Make the 2021 theme “Together we heal, learn and shine” become a reality as you explore the cultures, food, stories, dance and art of the countries from which these refugees come. Special

Event: Gamar Refugee Resources Ribbon Cutting and Storytelling Event, 415 E. 3900 South, Friday, June 18, 10 a.m.; Celebration: Big Cottonwood Regional Park, 4300 S. 1300 East, Saturday, June 19, 6 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/3cx89rL

Juneteenth Pop-Up

Utah is celebrating Freedom Day in remembrance of the emancipation proclamation in 1863 and 1865 at a Strength in Shades X Juneteeth Utah Pop Up. There will be a POC (Power of Community) market bringing BIPOC (Black and indigenous people of color) together through community, business, food and music. To emphasize the importance of community, this year’s theme is Summer of Love. Washington Square, 451

S. State, Saturday, June 19, 3-7 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/3w8yAvG

Adult Sex Ed Training

Think you know it all? Did you realize that the instances of chlamydia and gonorrhea have been increasing steadily over the past 10 years? At this Community Educa-

tion Series: Sexual Education Training

by Planned Parenthood, you will learn how to distinguish between STIs and STDs, how to prevent them, and what is spurring the rise in cases. Second in a three-part series, be sure to share with anyone who might be interested. Virtual, Wednes-

day, June 23, 7 p.m., free/register. https://bit.ly/2REYkRn

Why Brexit?

We’ve been through “America First.” and how did that work out? Is isolationism really the best way to go in a global economy? Now is a good time to check out the opposition and hear what conservative politicians believe. At How the British People Broke

Free of the E.U. and Why Brexit is Great

for the U.K. and the U.S., you’ll hear from the right-wing Vote Leave campaign and the Heritage Foundation about why they believe the worldwide trend toward nationalism is a good thing. “Brexit offers a powerful opportunity for a resurgent self-confident Britain on the world stage—a global leader in free trade, free markets and economic liberty—and an even stronger Special Relationship with the United States,” they claim. Is it true? Virtual, Wednesday, June 23, 11

a.m., free. https://bit.ly/3ggr2BA