Vol43Issue6

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the clackamas print An independent, student-run newspaper since 1966 Clackamas Community College, Oregon City, OR

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

Volume 43, Issue 6

Registration bogs down CougarTrax

By Abigail Neet & Annemarie Schulte News Editor &Associate News Editor Murphy’s Law: What can go wrong, will.

Registration began Monday night and was brought to a screeching halt when the online system crashed at roughly 12:02 a.m.

Student Kelsey King started looking online around 11:30 p.m. picking out her classes. At exactly midnight she said the server completely shut down and she had been trying all day Tuesday and had just been getting the same messages.

“The Web site went down right at 12 last night and wouldn’t allow people to access anything in myClackamas. Everything else on the Web site worked still,” student Garret Grimm said.

Dean Walch, Web site coordinator, Information Technology Services, was too busy to comment on Tuesday because he was working on the portal.

“They are very close to fixing it,” Janet Paulson, marketing/ media specialist, said Tuesday afternoon.

According to Chippi Bello, enrollment service operation manager, the system has been working on and off and ITS was investigating the problems.

“Last night at midnight, the home page wouldn’t load for the longest time,” Timothy Chu said Tuesday afternoon in an e-mail.

“From about 12:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. when I tried, I couldn’t get on (none of the links worked). I kept getting the message, ‘Could not log in to Web Advisor: Send Failure.’ Now I’m getting this message, ‘Could not log in to Web Advisor: EnvDMIConnection:

connect: IO Exception-java.net.’ My friend Garrett managed to register within like a five minute window earlier. It’s pissing me off; I want to register for winter term.”

Students wanted to register early this term due to classes filling up quickly during fall term.

Bello said students have been patient waiting in the long registration lines. However, walking in to Roger Rook, it was easy to see that students were on edge and frustrated with the system being down.

Tracy Helling tried registering right at midnight and had been trying ever since. She says she has tried somewhere around 20 times.

Please see REGISTRATION, Page 3

Matthew Ostergren Clackamas Print

Stretching out the doors, lines for winter term registration formed at Roger Rook all Tuesday Nov. 17 after CougarTrax servers failed. Anxiety and frustration was prominent amoung students as the wait lasted throughout the day.

Schrader speaks to students at CCC

By Annemarie Schulte Associate News Editor

John Shufelt Clackamas Print

Congressman Kurt Schrader answers students questions in a forum Nov. 10.

Kurt Schrader arrived at Clackamas wearing jeans, a sport coat, dress shirt and cowboy boots. Leaning on a table, he looked around and said, “This is just ‘ask questions, right? I have no big spiel to sell ‘ya.” Immediately Schrader made the whole room at ease and kept it that way even when he came under fire from a student worried about congressional spending, demanding that Schrader tell him what he was doing to fix it.

Schrader is one of five Oregon congressional representatives in the House of Representatives and represents the fifth district of Oregon, which includes Clackamas. He is a new member of Congress and has been on the job for about a year now. Schrader was originally a veterinarian and hails from Canby. He became a representative after being involved with the Oregon legislature for 10 years, and his wife is still involved with the Oregon Legislature.

Schrader visited CCC and spoke in the community center on Nov. 10 from 11 to 11:30 a.m. where he opened up the floor to questions from students and faculty of Clackamas.

When talking about the most important issue, the current American economy, Schrader focused on the development of small business and said that on a positive note other nations still have confidence in the U.S. dollar.

“The Chinese still think we’re the best bet in town,” Schrader remarked.

Schrader said he is a “conservative democrat” and gravitates towards budget issues. Schrader serves on three committees in the House: The small business committee, the agriculture committee (he has a 60 acre farm in Canby) and the budget committee. Schrader also chairs the tax and finance subcommittee.

As far as his position on the current issue with health-

care, Schrader said he supports the bill (that just passed the House two weeks ago), the Affordable Healthcare for America Act. He encouraged students to go online and read the bill in sections, rather than attempting to read the 2,000 page document in its entirety. Schrader admitted that even he has staff to help him sort through the bill and added that he was once advised, “if you agree with 60 percent of a bill, you vote yes.”

When asked about his most recent bill H.R. 3854, the Small Business Financing and Investment Act of 2009, which is estimated to create $44 billion in new lending for small businesses, Schrader said that the bill came out of committee two weeks ago. He went on to say, “It’s a bipartisan bill, and there were no descending votes on the House floor, which is a rarity these days.”

“I think most people recognize good basic support for small businesses,” said Schrader. The bill makes it easier for small business to survive the economy and get money to survive the economy, he said.

Furthermore, on his Small Business Financing Act, it states on Schrader’s Web site, “We’re starting to see some real signs of economic recovery but so far small businesses have been left behind because of the lack of available credit.”

“As a small business owner I understand how critical credit is for companies to get the loans they need to make payroll and expand their businesses. This bill incentives lending, reduces bureaucratic red tape and increases the size of SBA loans to loosen the credit markets and get capital back into the hands of Oregon’s job creators; small businesses.”

Before leaving the Community Center and making his way to the new Veterans’ Center, Schrader shook hands with and was genuine in thanking students and staff for their questions.

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news

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

NAMI struggles to find members

By Annemarie Schulte Associate News Editor NAMI on Campus, Clackamas’ college version of the National Alliance on Mental Illness organization; has officially been on campus for half of fall term. Now, Kathy Fredrickson’s club, still a little green, is thriving because of her vision and hope to help others through what she has been through: the throes of mental illness.

At the club’s second meeting, a student member and Fredrickson met to discuss the club’s progress.

VP Dale Chambers was not present, nor did anyone else show up. Two people have joined the club. A few promise to, but haven’t yet. It seems that Fredrickson and NAMI are still battling the stigma of mental illness; it shows in the low attendance at the NAMI connection meetings.

Still, Fredrickson remains as bright and optimistic as ever, showing her strength.

Much like Adam Goldstein on his MTV show, “Gone Too Far,” where Adam intervenes in addicts’ lives and tries to help them recover, Fredrickson puts herself in the middle of other people’s struggles with mental illness when she struggles from it herself. A heroin addict, DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) died tragically from a drug overdose on August 28, 2009. Speculations that the show killed him continue to circle throughout the media and the psychology profession. Was it too soon to put himself in the same situations that he had just recovered from? Some say the show and being

around other addicts using drugs he had just overcome addiction from caused him to relapse, according to the New York Times. He was in too deep and got much closer to drugs than he should have; the temptation was so strong it eventually overtook him. It took immense strength to get as far and help as many people as he did. Doing what Fredrickson does, and what Adam Goldstein was able to do, takes self-control and determination to help others.

Which raises the question, how long should a person be recovered from an illness before they begin trying to help others?

Tim Pantages, an addiction counselor, said “AA doesn’t really have an official opinion on when someone is allowed to become a sponsor...

The general rule of thumb, I’d say, is that a sponsor should have at least a full year of sobriety, but generally speaking, the longer they have, the better sponsors they’ll be.”

In NAMI, Fredrickson, who acts as a mentor, is counseling people who may already be recovered or are more recovered from mental illness than she is.

Fredrickson tells of an incident that happened about a month or two ago, a testament to the fact that she still battles mental illness every day of her life.

Fredrickson said she had a terrible day. She walked into a man’s bedroom that was in the home for recovering people that she works for. There happened to be a knife there on the bedside table and before she was aware of it, Fredrickson began cutting her arm, not hav-

Brian Steele Clackamas Print

Kathy Fredrickson discusses meeting dates with a fellow NAMI member during NAMI’s second meeting this term. ing any control over what she was doing.

Fredrickson says that NAMI is about finding other ways to deal with mental illness and hard days by not doing negative things. She turns her negative and weak experiences into helpful and encouraging aspects to help people struggling with mental illness. Fredrickson says she opens up about her struggles with

her illness to other people and that she is often thanked for doing so.

Fredrickson has been involved with NAMI for about eight years and continues to deliver their message wherever she goes. She says the goal is just to help people, regardless of if they come to the club or not.

“The goal is more than just the club itself; I want the support system that people can see us, and feel free

to come talk to me,” she said.

Fredrickson says people often contact her while walking to classes, and she says she is able to help them that way.

“We want the word out, we are here,” Fredrickson said.

Fredrickson added that students need to realize, “There is help out there. If we don’t have it, we will get it.”

Controversial measures tax wealthy and bring money to public funding

By John Hurlburt Co-Editor in Chief Community college budgets statewide have been getting beat like a piñata at the end of a birthday party this year; the only difference is that what’s left inside isn’t candy but a substance resembling despair.

The current budget Oregon has allotted for community colleges in the 2009-2011 school year has already dropped from $500 in the 2007-2009 biennium to $450 million. Now there is a possibility colleges like Clackamas may end up with even less cash than they were promised earlier this year when the budget was published.

A referendum taking place this coming January will be a crucial moment not only for Clackamas but community colleges and public services all around the state. In the upcoming vote, measures 66 and 67 would raise taxes on the wealthy and businesses statewide in order to support the general fund.

According to Courtney Wilton, vice president of college services, the bills combined will generate an estimated $733 million to help support Oregon’s general fund.

About three quarters of the

Clackamas Print The Clackamas Print 19600 S. Molalla Ave. Oregon City, OR 97045 503-657-6958, ext. 2309

state’s general fund is used to fund K-12 education, corrections and human services.

The two bills have already passed through state legislature in May of this year but throughout the summer, business interest groups such as Oregonians Against Job-Killing Taxes, were able to raise enough signatures to get the bills sent to the voters of Oregon.

Pat McCormick, media contact for Oregonians Against JobKilling Taxes, said businesses have not been fighting taxes or additional funding for the state.

Businesses have been fighting these two bills, however, because they believe the bills will be affecting Oregonians and the job market in negative ways.

“We can’t get out of this hole in Oregon until we raise more private sector jobs and we cannot do this by taxing the businesses which offer those jobs,” McCormick said.

McCormick says that the bills would raise taxes paid by businesses an additional 37 percent; in his opinion an increase of this proportion would have an impact that would not be productive.

“This increase of more than a third comes at a time when the business community is suffering the worst recession since the Great Depression,” McCormick added.

John Wykoff, government relations officer for Oregon Community College Association

Co-Editors in Chief: Kayla Berge and John Hurlburt Copy Editor: Kayla Calloway News Editor: Abigail Neet Associate News Editor: Annemarie Schulte A&C Editor: Matthew Ostergren Sports Editor: Mark Foster Photo Editor: John Shufelt

Ad Manager: Meredith James Design Editor: Kelsey Schneider Staff Writers/ Photographers: Erik Andersen, Dale Balbi, Carlos Calderon, Matt Garrison, Jessica Foster, Jessica Horner, Javierh Montero, John Petty, Brian Steele, Mark Sunderland, Steven Weldon

Web Editor: Brad Heineke

(OCCA), believes it would be hard for many junior colleges to handle any more funding cuts.

“With enrollment levels as they are, it would be very difficult to deal with,” Wykoff said.

According to Wykoff, the average full time equivalence (FTE) for community colleges throughout the state has increased 15 percent from last year, yet funding has dramatically fallen.

Wilton warns that more reductions in budget might affect this upturn in enrollment.

“It’s possible if we have to make large budget reductions that might impact enrollment. You can’t continue to support as many students with less money,” Wilton said.

These bills allow community colleges to retain $24 million that the state has already allotted to them in order to keep the current budget in balance.

If the two bills fail to pass, Clackamas would lose more of its funding and almost inevitably be forced to make more cuts.

These cuts would not be the first Clackamas has Illustration by Kayla Berge Clackamas Print

Production Assistants: Jaime Dunkle, Corey Romick, Jessica Sheppard Journalism Adviser: Melissa Jones

trimmed recently. March of this year a budget shortfall of $13.2 million caused the school to lay off 20 employees, raise tuition and cut its drafting department.

Alyssa Fava, Associated Student Government president, says that this referendum will be a decisive moment in our college’s future.

“Since Clackamas has already budgeted for this money, if we lose it, the effects will be detrimental,” Fava said.

ASG is not legally allowed to take a stance on bills submitted for a referendum. ASG is however holding two events in order to allow students to become more informed about the upcoming vote.

The first event called “Facts Out Loud” will be held Monday Nov. 23 and will involve teams of students scattered throughout campus yelling facts about the upcoming bills. The event will be visible at different times scattered throughout the day.

The next day, Tuesday, Nov. 24, there will be a formal debate at noon followed by a questions and answers session at 1 p.m. where students can pose questions about the upcoming vote and its effects.

Goals: The Clackamas Print aims to report the news in an honest, unbiased, professional manner.

The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the student body, college administration, its faculty or The Print.

E-mail comments to chiefed@ clackamas.edu.

the clackamas print 3 &sports Cougs race for NWAACC South title news

Wednesday, Nov. 18th, 2009

responded well physically to the training program. We have many middle distance oriented runners, so the longer distance takes a while longer to get used to,” said ninth year head coach Keoni McHone.

For the women, freshman Melanie Peters placed seventh by recording a season best of 20:17 in the 5k run, this came out to 6:32 a mile.

Another freshman, Mary

By Carlos Calderon The Clackamas Print

Cougars women’s team wins third place in the Southern region Championships Last season the men’s cross country team placed third in the southern region championships and seventh at the NWAACC championships. The women placed second in the southern region and fifth in the NWAACC. Going into the tail end of the season, both the men and women are looking at finishing the season strong.

The Cougars hosted the cross country Southern Region Championships on Oct. 31.

Unfortunately neither the men’s or women’s team were able to procure a Southern Region championship, but they did manage to hold their own against the likes of Clark, Lane and rival Mt. Hood community colleges en route to their strongest performance of the season. The progression throughout the season is attributed to the team’s acclimation to the training program and experience gained during the season.

“This year’s team has

“

They have done a great job of staying positive and focused during the season.

Keoni McHone Cross Country Coach

John Petty Clackamas Print

Amy Hermansen as she approches the finish line of the Mike Hodges Invitational.

Botsford, placed ninth and also posted a season best of 20:38 in the 5k with an average 6:39 a mile.

Sophomore Katie Olson ran the 5k in 21:13, 6:50 a mile and placed 13th.

Combined as a team the women averaged 21:10:40 to go

along with 63 total points, third place in the Southern Region Championships. Southwestern Oregon Community College failed to field the minimum number of five runners and did not place.

“They have done a great job of staying positive and focused during the season,” stated McHone.

On the men’s side, freshman Paden Snell placed sixth among the 30 runners and recorded a 27:07 in the 8k run, which was the equivalent of 5:28 a mile.

Placing 12th and 13th were freshmen Alex Seigal and Chris Olsen whom finished within seven seconds of each other at 28:38 and 28:45 or 5:46 and 5:47 per mile respectively in the 8k. Combined with Zach Fund’s 17th , Kyle Vuskich’s 19th and Steven Boe’s 24th place finish the Cougar men finished with 67 total points and a combined 28:51:40 average, good enough for a third place finish in the Southern Region Championships.

The Cougar’s final meet took place on Nov. 14 at Lewisville State Park in Battle Ground, Wash. The Cougars faced off against Clark, Spokane, Everett, Lane, Green River, SW Oregon, Treasure Valley, Skagit Valley and Mt. Hood community colleges.

Clackamas took fifth scoring a total of 322 points, both men and women’s scores combined.

REGISTRATION: ceases to be convenient for returning students Continued from REGISTRATION, Page 1

Emily Philow, a second term student at CCC, said she did not expect the long lines on the first day of registration. She tried registering online this term to avoid the long lines she experienced last term when register-

ing. “I just don’t want to stand in line,” she said.

Various speculations were made about the cause of the problems. Some students have said that it was caused by a power outage possibly cause by wind. Others have said that the crash was caused by the amount of students registering at the same time.

Chris Clark said he thought it was

just that the server was down. William Smith agreed.

Lacey Maller suspected it was because so many students tried to register at the same time.

“The network admin doesn’t know what he’s doing?” David Enquist questioned about the cause of the problems.

According to Bello, students

MMA knocks out boxing viewers

By Mark Foster The Clackamas Print It’s no secret; boxing has been losing its allure for years.

For decades boxing was a dominate sport, up there with Major League Baseball and the NFL. Now we have seen the trouncing mixed martial arts has put on boxing, taking over the combat world. There is no doubt that MMA absolutely punishes boxing in the popularity category.

But is that any surprise?

The Ultimate Fighting Championship, the leader in MMA, holds multiple fights every year, recently coming to Portland’s Rose Garden Arena for UFC 102. For each event held by the UFC there are a handful of fights in just one night. For UFC 102 there were a total of 11 fights. Although boxing does also have undercard fights, they do not have 11.

The coverage MMA gets dwarfs that of boxing. UFC has a television show on Spike TV called “Ultimate Fighter” which follows fighters through their training and as they

try to climb the MMA ranks. For boxing, the majority of coverage is on channels such as HBO and Showtime. Seeing as channels such as HBO and Showtime cost more to subscribe to, most people do not have the option to follow the sport.

Another MMA promotion company, Strikeforce, has also upped their appeal by broadcasting fights on NBC. On Nov. 9, Strikeforce broadcast fights on NBC making it more readily accessible to people seeing as NBC is part of the basic cable package.

It has simply become too difficult for boxing to compete for media coverage on the same level as MMA. Some people believe that MMA is also safer than boxing seeing as the majority of shots taken in boxing are to the head while in MMA it is spread throughout the whole body.

Quite frankly, I do not see how this can be possible. After watching a boxing match, you do not see either of the competitors stand in the middle of the ring bloodied from taking an elbow or forearm to the face and being taken down. In box-

ing if you get knocked down, you get a ten count to get up.

In MMA, if you get knocked down you better be ready to either get up quick or be ready for the other fighter to ground and pound you.

They might as well just call it human cockfighting.

But, it’s entertainment. After sitting around having a few beers with friends do I want to watch two yolked super humans beat each other to a pulp?

Absolutely.

Boxing is more of an old school sport like baseball. Enthusiasts see the sport as a purist sport. Both are sports that are thought of as pure forms of competition. Pitcher vs. batter, who can beat who with what they have.

I’m not saying I like MMA over boxing, I just feel that in today’s sports era, it is more accessible to the viewer. I would pick boxing over MMA any day but MMA is dominating the scene and until another Lennox Lewis, Tyson, or Ali comes around, boxing will have to take the backseat to mixed martial arts.

whose class ended at 2 a.m. Monday night went to Shari’s and came back to the college in the morning to register.

Athena Folk tried registering at midnight as well. She said the actual server appeared to be fine, but when she tried to register she kept getting “capacity too full” messages.

Miko Zhang expressed frustration

from the system being down and said she tried registering Tuesday morning and was unable to. As a result, she went to Rook to try to register in person.

At time of print the server was still down and students were unable to register for classes online. In-person registration continued at the Roger Rook building.

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Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

Cougars host Jamboree at home Basketball team gets warmed up with preseason Jamboree with the

By Steven Weldon The Clackamas Print The NWAACC conference centered around CCC for an afternoon as multiple teams from all around Washington and Oregon came to play in the Clackamas Jamboree Scrimmages to warm up for the season. Teams from Skagit Valley, Bellevue, Mt. Hood, Linn-Benton, Grays Harbor, Centralia, Blue Mountain, Lane and Clackamas community colleges all played in 20 minute games centered on getting the new players involved, showcasing the talent and seeing where the teams stacked up amongst each other.

In the case of Clackamas, the Cougars benched three of

“

Cougars freshman Andre Dickson made a statement in the game with a fastbreak slam dunk ...

their five sophomores leaving sophomore point guard Jeff Dorman and sophomore forward EJ Manley on the floor with a collection of freshmen making their unofficial Cougars debut. While the team has been practicing with each other since before school started, they were still in the process of learning the nuances of head coach Clif Wegner’s offense.

This season the Cougars

Brad Heineke Clackamas Print

Jeff Dorman (21) shoots over a defender from Skagit Valley College. Dorman, a sophomore, is returning from a season in which he earned second team All-South division honors. have an entire roster’s worth of new players. Twelve freshmen and one transfer complete the team with returning players Shane Fife, Justin Steinke, Manley and 2009 NWAACC Southern Region All-Stars Dorman and Cheheles Tapscott. While the team has many fresh faces, the expectations from last year continue, as they look to repeat as NWAACC champions.

The Jamboree provided some good competition for the Cougars, and plenty of opportunities to learn and make adjustments. In a game against the Skagit Valley Cardinals, the Cougars looked a bit lost on defense and weren’t clear where to go with the ball, leaving the door open for the Cardinals who took advantage winning 27-15.

After Wegner declared a team meeting in a classroom above the Randall Hall gym, the Cougars were ready to take on their next challenger, the Chokers of Grays Harbor.

Freshman Frenchman Mathieu

Brad Heineke Clackamas Print

Freshman Travis Robbins drives to the hole against an opponent from Grays Harbor College.

Michaud showed leadership and helped lead Clackamas to a 25-14 victory in a much needed turnaround.

It was then a challenge arrived - the Bellevue Bulldogs, a team who played the Cougars in the 2007 NWAACC championship los-

ing in the title game, hungry for a vengeful victory. The game was hard fought and nitty-gritty, finishing in a 27all tie.

Cougars freshman Andre Dickson made a statement in the game with a fastbreak slam dunk that made the crowd

‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ like they had just seen Michael Jackson live in In concert. their final game, the Cougars played the Centralia Trail Blazers. The game was out of the Trail Blazers control early, and the Cougars finished them off with solid play and good defense and secured victory, 27-15 in the final game of the Jamboree.

While it wasn’t a true test of the Cougars as a team like their preseason opener on Nov. 20 against the Linfield Wildcats JV squad will be, it was a good measure for them to see who would be a factor and who would need to head to the gym and work on a few things to get their game at the right level.

Some notable appearances include Portland State head basketball coach Tyler Geving who was taking a look at the talent the nine schools had, and five players were returning to Clackamas County from opposing schools. Jake Rickert and Robby Rivers, both graduates of Rex Putnam High School in Milwaukie played for Mt. Hood Community College, Kamal Smith, an Oregon City High alum played for Centralia, and Clackamas High School had two players come, Craig Sieler, also a member of Centralia, along with Kevin Stanley, who played for Grays Harbor.

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arts culture

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

the clackamas print

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‘2012’ deluges theaters

By Matthew Ostergren Arts & Culture Editor

Humanity was apparently warned of impending doom thousands of years ago by the Mayan culture, or at least that is what Hollywood would have you believe. “2012” is a special effects bonanza about a nearlyworld-ending catastrophe. Of course, as all Hollywood movies, some people manage to evade the apparently inevitable. Such is the nature of entertainment.

Most people don’t want to watch a movie where everyone dies in the end. “2012” had its high points and low points, but overall I think it is worth watching, especially if you enjoy seamless special effects.

The story is that come December 21, 2012, geological events around the world will destroy human civilization and sink most of the continents. A scientific explanation is given as the reason the disaster is taking place; it seems a little dubious, but whatever. Some scientists see it all coming and convince the major world governments to prepare. A project is begun to create vast ships called “arcs” that will ride out the destruction and support human and animal life until new habitable land can be found.

It is a decent overall story arc. In my opinion, the best parts of the script and the best acting went into this element of the movie, but it wasn’t the main story.

Unfortunately, the main story follows Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a man who finds out what is happening just before California falls into the Pacific Ocean, which was a gorgeous special effects sequence by the way, and then desperately tries to save his family. The family makes many narrow escapes on their path to the arcs, which are in the Himalayan Mountains in eastern China, and that simply breaks my implausibility meter.

There is a certain level of plausibility that movies must have for me to stay focused on the events within. If movies do not have enough plausibility at certain parts, I get pulled out of being engrossed and feel a sense of disappointment.

Even though it looked

spectacularly awesome, I know a two engine airplane is not going to be able to take off when the earth beneath it drops off into a huge chasm suddenly, especially when it is piloted by a fellow who says he has only flown a couple of times before.

The downdraft from the ground falling away will pull the plane with it, but apparently in the universe where this movie took place, the laws of physics are totally different, especially when

it comes to particle physics and fluid dynamics.

I, for some reason, don’t believe Jackson Curtis can outrun cracks forming in the earth while driving a limo or the explosion of the Yellowstone Caldera while driving an R.V. Also, the characters themselves just don’t feel very compelling. Sure, they are a family trying to escape disaster, and there is something meaningful in that, but the script is weak and

All illustrations by Matthew Ostergren and Kayla Berge Clackamas Print

the actors just didn’t give me the sense that they were truly in the situation they were supposedly in. The events that happened onscreen in these sequences just didn’t have much emotional resonance. I don’t know if it was their lack of panic or sadness or both that really ruined that part of the movie for me, but it left me bored. I frequently found myself wishing that they would show the events happening to the side characters, or what

the disaster looked like from different points of view. The main story had too much cheese for me to digest.

I think the side characters stole the show. I was much more interested in the geophysicist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), who helped discover the impending disaster, his father who worked on a luxury liner or the Tibetan monk who was told about what was going to happen by his brother that worked on the arc and what happened to these characters as they struggled to survive than I was in the limo driver and his kids. The script was stronger in these parts, and I felt more sympathetic towards these people. There was something compelling in the idealism of Helmsley and his struggle with the unfairness of real life. I felt more connected to the struggles of these minor characters.

Did I mention how beautiful the special effects were? ... Not enough. The arcs were gorgeous.

The eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera looked spectacular. I had a deep sense of satisfaction watching two skyscrapers collapse into one another. And on top of that, the camera stayed on the action long enough to really get a sense of what was happening.

The camera shots were also quite strong. The director, Roland Emmerich, has a good sense of how to place the camera to show the audience the action.

The visuals were definitely the best part of the entire movie.

The sounds effects were adequate, and while not groundbreaking, the music was fitting most of the time. I generally didn’t take notice of it, which was both a good and a bad thing.

It didn’t interfere with my attention, but it also didn’t stand out to me as particularly good.

Overall, I would recommend “2012.” It isn’t the best movie I have seen lately, but as far as disaster movies, it ranks pretty highly. I think seeing it on the big screen is preferable to just watching it at home. At the theater, you can really see the $200 million or so that was spent making the movie, and I don’t know how well that will translate to watching at home.

& One son survives birth in ‘The 6

the clackamas print

arts culture

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

By Mark Sunderland The Clackamas Print “The Marriage of Bette and Boo” starts off with the joy of a wedding. The bells, well minus the bells, but there is singing and smiles with the joy writ upon the faces of the cast. Once past the beginning of the play, the helter-skelter of a wedding ensues with the bride’s family on one side and the groom’s on the other.

Any resemblance to a wedding ends there with commentary from the bride’s mother about Bette’s side of the family that gives a brief insight to where the story is headed.

Bette’s mother is a strongwilled woman who runs her family with a iron fist. Her views on her daughters are as black and white as skunk.

On the other side, there is a brief stint of the groom’s parents talking about Boo and, very briefly, about his side of the family. The contrast between the bride and groom’s families is apparent with Boo’s father, an ornery man who treats his wife as property and not a human being.

The wedding is nothing more than a simple window to the story that is about to unfold. The story is told by Bette and Boo’s son in the manner of an autobiography.

Bette and Boo’s son, Matt or “Skip,” weaves the dark tale of his parents and their marriage.

The sordid tale is given life once the wedding is over and the joy of the honeymoon is glossed over as Matt continues his commentary of his parents’ life. The original bliss is slowly tainted by Bette’s desire to have more kids beyond Matt and her inability to have more due to conflicting blood types.

Her desire becomes a steady theme throughout the play, and her optimistic outlook on life is corrupted over time by cynicism.

Matt’s father, Boo, isn’t left out of the game, though, as his only role models are an alcoholic father and a mother who has become comfortable in servitude. Boo, who at the wedding was just as optimistic as his young wife about the bright future that lay ahead of them, begins to fall into the abyss of alcoholism and

All photos by Brad Heineke Clackamas Print

Stricken with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, Bette, right, is assisted by her son, Matt, center, and her sister, Emily, left, onto her hospital bed in the final scene of the play. depression.

All the while, their son, Matt, lives a life in which his parents argue mercilessly about the tiniest mishaps and troubles in their life. His family’s religious beliefs weigh down on the household. Catholicism

plays a major role in the lives of these characters.

The story is told as a dark satire, courtesy of Matt. The dark tale takes the audience through how Bette and Boo live through four stillbirths with Skip being the only child

Father Donnelly, center, holds a retreat for young married couples or tries to. Instead his audience is either older, divorced, deceased or just tagging along.

to survive. The death of four kids is added to the death of Bette’s father later in the play and later Boo’s mother dies as well.

Death in the family doesn’t bring the family any closer together though as age or childbirth claims lives as the merciless Grim Reaper waltzing through a land ridden by the Black Plague. Alcoholism is the quiet underlying issue with Boo and his family, while Bette deals with the desires to be a good Catholic housewife and raise a bundle of ‘good little’ children.

The story continues and divorce tears Bette and Boo further apart. The two don’t reconnect until the end when Bette is sick with cancer and Boo has lost too much to drinking. The tale ends with Bette dying, and yet her death is tinged with happiness as her and Boo reconnect (sort of).

This brings the story to an end. A story of death, heart ache, family issues and a darker sense of humor that seeps throughout the story as tentacles of an octopus. It appeased my desire for a fantastic show and the little part of me that finds the darker shades of life amusing in a twisted sort of way. All in all, if given the chance to see this play I would

take the bull by the horns and watch the two and a half, maybe three, hour long, play.

It is worth watching if one can understand the adult humor and take on life.

Bette, played by Artist in Residence, Heather Ovalle, deals with a number of hardships throughout the course of the play.

the clackamas print 7 & Marriage of Bette and Boo’ arts culture

Wednesday, Nov. 18 , 2009

ABOVE: Despite having known each other only a sparse two months, Bette and Boo are very much in love and eager to begin their marriage, as illustrated by the eccstatic rushing of their vows.

TOP RIGHT: The Brennans pose for a family photo before the official wedding ceremony begins.

RIGHT: The honeymoon of Bette and Boo is as zany and scatterbrained as the newlyweds themselves as illustrated by the husband being on the phone with his father and the wife chattering about how many children she hopes to have.

BELOW RIGHT: The happiness of the two families in the wedding pictures belies the darkness lurking in the near future.

BELOW: Even estranged from her family and dying of cancer, Bette remains a vibrant, if a bit neurotic, character right up until the end.

8

the clackamas print

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

Sustainability brings new coordinator

&

arts culture

By Matthew Ostergren Arts & Culture Editor

sustainability plan. We are working with the entire campus community and supporting the efforts of the sustainability community.

What are some accomplishments that have been made in the campus’ efforts towards susThe Print recenttainability?

We now have solar ly sat down with collectors on top of three Martha Mitchbuildings. They are used to heat the water in the ell, Clackamas’ buildings. news sustainWhat brought you to CCC? ability coordinaI am a professional placetor, to talk about ment from Americorps. I am an environmental conher work here at sultant; I have spent most Clackamas of my career in water resource protection. I enjoy How long have you working with large organibeen in this position? zations to help solve their I came on in late August. environmental challenges.

I also have a co-coordinator I signed up for a profeswhose name is Tim Maher. sional development course We work together, but we in sustainable buildings. A have separate scopes, things colleague mentioned to me we need to do here. that community colleges Martha Mitchell What is it that your were looking for sustainposition entails?

Sustainability Coordinator ability coordinators, so I I am doing a sustainabilam growing my knowledge ity assessment of the camin an extension of my field pus: its programs, activities, while I provide my skills accomplishments and its in project management, buildings. One of the major research, preparing papers, things I am doing is supporting the campus’s renew- studies, presentations and things like that. able energy efforts. My colleague, Tim Maher, is What do you like best about Clackamas? doing a greenhouse gas emission study.

It is a beautiful campus and the people seem When we finish these projects, we hope to healthy and positive. I really like the campus culcontribute to campus-wide climate action plan and ture.

“

One of the major things I am doing is supporting the campus’s renewable energy efforts.

MITCHELL

Fabulous top 10 ways to procrastinate: Shop ‘til you drop,

By Annemarie Schulte Asscociate News Editor This goes out to every college kid in the nation and also the Facebook group I belong to, “Shit, it’s due tomorrow?”

Disclaimer: Annemarie Schulte is not responsible for any late or missing homework in any course at CCC.

1. Sit on Facebook! We covered this in an earlier issue, but it’s especially crucial now.

Facebook was made for procrastination.

Why else would two college students have invented it? Play FarmVille, have a 45 minute conversation with a friend over status comments or look at pictures in your own albums. It’s all in the name of good

procrastination.

2. Go on a shopping spree.

A girl can never have too many a) shoes b) clothes and c) accessories.

Shopping solves every problem under the sun and retail therapy comes second only to a therapist in my opinion.

Thaw out that credit card that’s in the freezer and do some damage, ladies.

It’s what we were put on this earth for. Just like a wise woman once said, “What separates us from the animals

is our ability…to accessorize.”

3. Stare at yourself in the mirror. This is for you vain ones. Or the ladies who just went shopping. Although if you only have a full-length mirror, standing for that long may be tiresome, so sit down and stare at yourself in the mirror.

Make faces, admire your ravishing beauty, do whatever…just waste as much time as possible.

And if you can entertain yourself by just looking at yourself in the mirror for this long, I applaud you.

4. Watch TV or a movie if you don’t have cable. C’mon, we all know that when we have a paper due, even a show on the History Channel or something titled “Chalk: The Other Pencil” can be absolutely riveting. I prefer movies as they completely distract you and tend to last for longer periods of time. “Roots” may be the all-time champion when it comes to procrasti-

nation movies.

5. Take up a new hobby.

Learn to play the tuba or go to a local ceramics store and paint a coffee mug for your dad. Make friendship bracelets or take up underwater basket weaving. Whatever it is, make sure it’s interesting and really, really weird; we’re going for nitty-gritty procrastination here, people - it can’t be something that’s actually relevant, then it wouldn’t be true procrastina-

the clackamas print 9 & Immortal love triggers mania arts culture

The vampire genre is given CPR by a theme of endless romance, capturing a new generation’s attention

By Brian Steele The Clackamas Print “Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.” – Homer Simpson Vampires are now more popular than ever before.

Everlasting love is the modern vampire theme today.

The stories that seem to captivate us today which use vampires, are “Twilight,” “True Blood” and the “Vampire Diaries.” These stories are all based off books and are extremely popular.

“Twilight” is well known for its shiny vampires that can survive in sunlight. They just sparkle.

This book series, created by Stephanie Meyer, took America by storm. It’s typical story: girl meets boy, boy is a vampire, girl gets into trouble and boy has to save her.

In the first book and movie, Bella (the girl) moves to a Forks, Wash. She meets the vampire, Edward Cullen and falls instantly in love. The story climaxes with Bella being hunted by James, an evil vampire.

The first movie was a box office hit that has merchandise that includes body glitter that lets you shine like Edward himself.

At the end of this week, the “Twilight” saga will have its next movie, “New Moon.” In this movie, there is a twist. Edward leaves Forks, and Bella spirals into depression. Her cure is hanging out with a bunch of werewolves and pulling dangerous stunts.

The werewolves are made up of a handful of Quileute boys from the nearby reservation, including Bella’s best friend, Jacob Black. As their relationship grows, Edward hears a rumor that Bella has killed herself and puts his life in danger and Bella has to save him.

With the popularity of the books and the first movie, “New Moon” is looking like the smash hit of this movie season.

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

“Twilight” is not the only vampire craze this year.

“True Blood” is a HBO show that is going into its third season and is also based on a series of books.

The series that this is based off of is the “Southern Vampire Mysteries,” which is an ongoing book series that follows a waitress named Sookie who can read minds as she tries to be with her vampire lover, Bill, as supernatural bad guys screw with their love. The next book in the series is coming out next year along with the next season.

“Vampire Diaries” is one of the new shows on the CW television network. This too was based on a

book series that is ongoing. The story follows Elena, who is a high school student. She falls for a vampire who also can be out during the daytime named Stefan. Their relationship is threatened by Stefan’s evil brother Damon (yeah, that’s original). The show seems to have gained some of the “Twilight” fans with the show’s similarity to the “Twilight” movie.

The next book is also due out next year.

The vampire genre has changed over the years since Bram Stroker’s “Dracula” was first published in 1897. “Twilight,” “Vampire Diaries” and “True Blood” are the some of the newest stories to the genre that keep it alive.

Photo illustration by Kayla Berge and Brian Steele Clackamas Print

Facebook and paint by number to your heart’s content

6. Paint every single one of your toe nails a different color. Or nails, whichever you prefer. Boys, this may not be for you, but who am I to stereotype? Maybe even paint your girlfriend’s nails, and you can procrastinate together. You know what they say: the couple who procrastinates together...

9. Work out.

There’s always some crazy new class at 24 Hour Fitness I’m just dying to try when I have something due. How else would I have stumbled across “Zumba?” Again, this is positive procrastination, and we’re kind of going for the gets-you-nowherebut-more-behind-in-life type of procrastination... see number ten.

7. Play Fantasy Football or watch real football. Here’s a good one for the boys. It’s simple, just how you like it, and there’s no elaboration or explanation needed.

Once you guys get into the “zone,” as I like to call it, there’s no turning back.

All illustrations by Brian Steele Clackamas Print

8. Clean. Why is it that we always have the insatiable urge to clean things we never normally would when we have homework to do? Although I’m not sure cleaning would really qualify as procrastination, seeing as how you’re still getting something productive done. Oh well, it’s something besides what you’re supposed to be doing, and I suppose that’s most important in this scenario.

10. Make up a new catchphrase for yourself.

How else do you think Paris Hilton coined “That’s hot?” She was sitting around, doing nothing, when it just came to her. (Not that she does much else).

Contrary to popular belief, good things do come out of procrastination. A look at a few other catchphrases I’m sure were products of professional procrastinators: “Get ‘er done,” “How you doin’?” and “D’oh!”

And a bonus…Three words: Paint. By. Number.

& Top selling sequel hits shelves hard 10

the clackamas print

By Brian Baldwin Clackamas News Online When a game title becomes the 2007 Game of the Year for Xbox 360, beating out “Bioshock” and even “Halo 3”, can the developer live up to the hype that they will produce an even better sequel?

Infinity Ward picked up their equipment and set forth to deliver. Two years have passed and now we have “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” in our hands and they have most certainly lived up to the expectations.

Welcome to the 75th Ranger regiment as Pvt. Joseph Allen, Pvt. James Ramirez and Sgt. Gary “Roach” Sanderson of Task Force 141 under the command of Captain MacTavish. Five years have past and despite the determined efforts of the US Marines and the Special Air Service in “Call of Duty 4,” Russia has fallen to the Ultranationalists.

Terrorist Vladimir Makarov is on a rampage across the world and the CIA wants to put him down for good. However, Makarov uses an undercover CIA agent to engineer a war between the United States and Russia after a massacre at a civilian airport. Using stolen codes from a downed US satellite, Russia is able to evade our early warning detection and mount an invasion that leads the Rangers to defend Washington D.C. and its surrounding neighborhoods in house-to-house combat.

The story is well told with missions spanning from a rescue mission in Afghanistan, to a manhunt in Rio de Janeiro and an infiltration of an oil rig.

However, the biggest moment of outrage by other critics was the addition of an assault where your character joins with Makarov to kill unarmed civilians in security

arts culture

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

lines, gift shops and even emergency responders at a fictional airport in Moscow. Infinity Ward placed a disclaimer before you start the campaign that there is disturbing content and gives you the option to skip the level without penalizing you.

Responding to criticism of the lack of any cooperative feature

in the first “Modern Warfare,” Infinity Ward included a Special Ops mode where you can complete over 20 specific objectives in five tiers with a friend over split-screen, Xbox Live or the PlayStation Network or solo.

Mission objectives range from holding off waves of enemies, racing your snowmobile in the

Illustration by Brian Steele Clackamas Print

mountains and timed escorts with an AC-130 Spooky gunship on either regular, hardened or veteran difficulties to earn stars and unlock the next tier of objectives.

But, any “Call of Duty” fan knows that the fun does not end with the campaign. Multiplayer is back, and has a new face.

Perks are now jumbled with the new ones in the order unlocked by rank, and they also have ranks as well, unlocking additional bonuses by completing challenges. In addition, you have new perks such as Hardline, causing your kill streak requirements to go down by one kill.

Another feature in multiplayer is customized kill streaks. In the first game, you only had UAV recon, airstrikes and a helicopter gunship. Now you have 15 different kill streaks. UAVs, guided Predator missiles, AC-130 air support and the coveted tactical nuke. Kill 25 people without dying and you will be awarded a trump card to instantly win the match.

Another aspect of multiplayer that Infinity Ward battled was the overpopulation of snipers and choke points. These maps are detailed and offer plenty of cover as well as many routes to take to flank your opponent.

Although there are many areas of contest such as the house in the Estate map, a well thought advance can turn the control of the high ground to you.

Tips make Christmas shopping easy and affordable

By Javierh Montero The Clackamas Print As Christmas approaches, we slowly begin to fall under its magical spell. We all think of happy times and of how much this joyful and happy holiday will impact our lives and our pockets. Decisions need to be made and money needs to be spent.

In an attempt to cheer you up and actually put you in a happy mood, we’re telling you what some people are doing, creative ideas to save some money and some places to shop.

Taunya Stiglbauer, a CCC stu-

dent, is very creative when it comes to Christmas.

“I’m going to go to Japan... maybe I’ll buy a kimono for someone. I’ll also make some gifts myself and pass them around when I get back,” said Stiglbauer.

But not everyone is as lucky, and we can’t always afford what we want. At that point, all we can do is get creative.

“I gave my grandma a picture of me with a note telling her about all the memories we’ve shared, since her memory is not that great.

She loved reminiscing about those events; it made her happy,” commented Steve Parnell. “This year I’ll give her a DVD that has some

Illustration by Jessica Foster Clackamas Print

family memories and some old songs from back in the day.”

However, for those of us who aren’t lucky enough to have a forgetful grandma or can’t afford to give ourselves such a great travel gift for Christmas, there are always other options.

Below, we show you the top inexpensive gift ideas.

1. Socks: Everyone gets cold feet at some point or another.

2. Framed child’s artwork: We all love our little artists in the house and their messy art, but we love it even more when it’s framed.

3. Photo collage: Narcissistic world we live in.

4. Basket containing fruit, apple cider and cheeses: With this weather, we need extra fat.

5. Chocolate bars tied with a ribbon: Same as above, plus, if you’re depressed, chocolate increases the levels of endorphins released in the brain, which lessens pain and decreases stress.

6. Hand decorated photo album: So we can use something other than Facebook to show pictures.

7. Homemade cookies: Cheap and easy.

8. Board games: Ouija boards are on the rise.

9. Glass jar filled with candy: If the recipient of this gift doesn’t enjoy candy, then at least one of you should be able to enjoy it.

10. Christmas books or any books under $10: Let’s increase awareness to our youth that books rarely ever come after the movie.

11. Special soaps and bath stuff: So we can all lay off the cologne.

12. Pajamas: The one with feet for adults is really awesome and rarely worn for some reason.

13. Candles: For those nights when pajamas are not worn...or needed.

But if you’re like some of us, making gifts out of things we could easily find in our homes is not something you’re into then here are some places that should make you feel good about how much money you make.

“I go to Target ‘cause they have some $1 stuff, and I can get a couple of things there. I can also get gift cards so they can buy whatever they want...I’ll get one of my best and coolest friends a ‘Twilight’ book,” says Rachel Syphard. “For girls, Claire’s, at the mall, is a great place to buy earrings and other accesories.”

Some of the places where you can buy affordable gifts include: 1. Target – Kids’ board games for about $5 to adult books and games starting at $10.

2. Walmart – Pajama pants for

men starting at $6, and women’s pajamas for about $4.

3. Dollar store – Many things that you can arrange and make them look nice for about...well, a buck.

4. Kmart – Soaps, body lotion, and more starting at $1.09.

5. Fred Meyer – Socks for about a dollar.

Hopefully this Christmas you’ll make good memories, enjoy the time off and realize the importance of giving more than receiving. Make your shopping list fast, and check it twice. Keep in mind that a good gift doesn’t need to be expensive to be good, just creative and thoughtful; a surprise happens when you do something for someone and their not expecting it.

A hug can go a long way; don’t underestimate it.

the clackamas print 11 & Trout and tofu tempt the tastebuds arts culture

By Mark Sunderland The Clackamas Print The holidays are upon us with the ringing of bells, commercials telling us what to give and the (dreaded) relatives. The holidays also include a surplus of food that ranges from Grandma’s homemade turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy and fresh cranberry sauce, or perhaps a pepperoni pizza from the local pizzeria. Whatever one has for the holidays, it seems there is a surplus of various meat products and very little vegetables that adorn the table.

The question arises though: what if one isn’t a meat eater? Does the holiday become a season of fasting due to family not making a veritable feast of meat, fish and vegetables? Hardly, just because one doesn’t devour the flesh of some dead animal doesn’t mean the holidays have to be a tortuous time of watching others devour animals with the garnish of ‘greens.’

So, what to do? The question is easier answered than one would think, and I do know. I grew up in an Orthodox church, think Christianity, and there are times of the year when meat, cheese and such are prohibited, which means there have been plenty of years when Thanksgiving took place on a day of fasting. The enticing scent of a baking salmon in a white wine sauce with chopped garlic, hints of mint or basil blended in with the fish. The pleasing cloying aroma of baked potatoes with a mélange of other scents that remind me of a garden.

How about trying a thick filet of trout baked in a wash of butter, a dash of rosemary and parsley, with broccoli with toasted garlic and lemon, stuffed cabbage rolls and a wild rice pilaf with a linguine in a white clam sauce.

It reminds me of Thanksgiving on a Friday when we’re allowed only certain foods due to religion. So I got used to seafood and pasta with a large selection of veggies forced down my gullet. Of course when I was younger, I hated when a holiday feast was tainted with the distasteful greens.

How is my distaste for veggies a helpful source for alternative recipes? I find that there are many different ways to have an amazing holiday without devouring the flesh of an animal. So, we’ve covered fish and pasta but what about other sources of tasty food?

Let’s go with tofu! Tofu, coagulated soy milk pressed into a block, is a good source of various nutrients, plus tofu takes on the flavor of whatever it is cooked in. Tofu seems a good alternative for turkey or chicken as a person can mix it up in a gumbo of beans, spices and other nutty concoctions. A dish of tofu ‘turkey’ with Aglio e Olio (an Italian dish of pasta, oil and garlic), warm biscuits and a salad of

Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

kiwi and lime with mint is a good alternative to the traditional turkey dinner.

It sounds like a veritable feast to me without a touch of meat or fish present. So, I’ve placed forth a few ideas for non-meat holiday feasts. Of course, I know they aren’t truly recipes so much as ideas but these ideas will lead one on the right path for hunting

down such recipes. I’ve named actual recipes and, well, what is wrong with fish! Perhaps a plate full of squid with a side of mashed potatoes and a setup of salad of fruit will be nice. So, toss out the meat and replaced with a nice filet of salmon with a nice glass of white wine. Enjoy the holidays in a vegetarian or vegan fashion.

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Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009

Celebration of Thanks On Tuesday, Nov. 24 at noon in RR220, staff and students are invited to read or listen to a poem, story or excerpt on the theme of gratitude.

Please bring a can of food to help out with the ASG food drive.

For more information or to sign up to read, please contact Kate Gray at (503) 657-6958, ext. 2371 or kateg@clackamas. edu.

Great American Smokeout Fair Wednesday, Nov. 18, 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m.

sudoku

6 4 3 2 8 5 7 9 1

7 5 2 1 3 9 4 6 8

9 8 1 6 7 4 3 2 5

8 9 5 7 2 6 1 3 4

1 3 6 5 4 8 2 7 9

4 2 7 9 1 3 5 8 6

5 6 4 3 9 2 8 1 7

2 1 9 8 5 7 6 4 3

3 7 8 4 6 1 9 5 2

How to play: Make sure the numbers 1-9 are in each box. At the same time, there must be the numbers 19 vertically and horizontally. All numbers must match up accordingly.

Last week’s sudoku answers

9 2 6 3

3 7

5

1

8 4

2

8 5 2 1 3 9 7 7 8 5 1 9 7 4 9 7 1 6 9 5

Cold turkey sandwiches, quit kits, environmental facts and much more.

ASG Great American Smokeout BBQ Thursday, Nov. 19, 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m.

For information regarding the Great American Smokeout, please contact ASG at ext. 2245.

the week in horoscopes

By Swami G. Zhukov ARIES (March 21-April 19): Remember to live your life to the fullest. This is especially important because it is going to end soon.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your teachers at school or your bosses at work don’t like you very much. Don’t worry though, Pluto’s alignment with Neptune indicates that they all have dementia.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): As entertaining as it would be, Jupiter says it isn’t a good idea to duct tape that piece of toast to your cat. Then again, Proxima Centauri says you should do whatever the hell you want.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21): Procyon’s alignment with Eradi indicates that you should drop out of school or quit your job because you are going to win the lottery.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): This week marks a great victory for you. You will tell the best joke of your life. Unfortunately you will laugh at your own joke so hard you will also wet your pants.

SAGGITARIUS (November 22-December 21): You should stay indoors this week. If you get rained on, you will catch a cold, and your mom most certainly would not approve of that. At least wear a coat, damn it.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): You remember those monsters that used to live under your bed? Well you weren’t imagining them. You just repelled them because you smell bad.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): One of your friends is going on vacation and is going to ask you to house-sit for him or her. It is a good idea to refuse. You don’t need friends anyway.

LEO (July 23-August 22): Don’t touch any staplers this week. It’s for your own good.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Mars says all your favorite television shows are going to be canceled and replaced with infomercials.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Charon, Pluto’s moon, says you should take candy from strangers this week. Everyone loves candy, don’t they?

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Clean your room. Do a barrel roll.