ISSUE #15 FOMO FOMO FOMO FOMO NEW BEGINNINGS NEW BEGINNINGS NEW BEGINNINGS NEW BEGINNINGS Take timeto smell flowers...the thebestofTheVillage
What to expect? You can be certain it will be about parenting, that it will be brutally honest, sometimes tough, often funny and 100% extremely useful. We’re SO excited! But more official details later.
01 FOMO #14 1538 posts 42 979 comments 47 100 members month...This
Trust me. NOTHING is as important as a supportive, optimistic and kind parent to a teenager in the throes of a meltdown, disaster, chaos and shambles. NOTHING. Never forget, we are their North Stars, their role models, their ports in the storms. Your children don’t need money, much as it helps. Kids can grow up strong, resilient and capable – if they know their parents love them, believe that they will be okay and, no matter how dreadful their behaviour, how heinous their mistakes… stick firmly at their side.
Keep kind, safe and optimistic guys … and enjoy this FOMO! Cheers!
So, what’s the most important advice? This! While there are hundreds of different ways to raise a happy adult, there are three essential parental skills you have to learn. Yesterday! And they are patience, kindness and belief in your child’s future.
I have some happy Village news. The fabulous wordsmith and Villager, Karin Schimke, and I are in the process of writing a book, which will be published by Jonathon Ball in September next year. It’s going to be all about The Village. How lovely is that?
Deciding to write this book has made me think (hard) about what the most useful lessons I have learned from my five years managing the Therecommunity.wasnever any chance at all that I wouldn’t be thoroughly schooled by 50 000 clever, caring parents! About how to give our kids the best possible chance to thrive, no matter where they start. How to sail a family through scary, stormy seas. How to look for sunshine on countless rainy days... I’ve learned that raising kids and keeping "it" together is really, really tough. (If, at least, one parent is not okay, NO-ONE'S OKAY, never forget that.)
Vanessa
Of course, it's really on the verge of impossible to be all those saintly things when your child is as revolting as most teenagers can be. That’s what you have your Village for! Whether in this digizine, on the Facebook group or in our future book (called Do as I Say, Not as I Did, to give you an idea of how honest!) – there’s nothing better than a team of fellow parental travellers to help you through. With support, kindness, optimism (whether parenting, or supporting each other parenting) anything is possible, I promise. Even surviving your offspring’s tween, teen and young adult years with your sense of humour intact.
• Touch typing, basic accounting principles and allowable tax deductions for employees. Karen Taylor-Vermaak
• Different bank accounts, interest, all about different loans. Taxes. Rights as an employee. Life and retirement policies. The importance of a will or trust. How to keep work and personal life separate and why. How to buy your first car and what a balloon payment is. Amanda de Klerk
• How to apply for an ID, passport and visas. Basic cooking skills. How to change a plug and light bulbs. Babette du Toit
Crystal Charters
03 FOMO #15
Have you heard of Noosi? It’s the nursing portal that links you to professional nurses and caregivers in the Cape. Many of us Villagers are members of the Sandwich Generation – actively parenting our children but an essential presence in our parents’ lives too. At any one time our children, friends and extended family may all need medical assistance that we can’t give. Noosi offers the one-stop portal for compassionate, professional nursing care and support for any number of scenarios for each and every family member. From pre-and-post operative care to IV
Chloe Emma Stafford
Michelle Cilliers
NOOSI TO THE RESCUE
Amazing skills to pass onto your kids now – as shared by YOU. The original question from Margie La Grange
Things I wish I'd learned at school...
• Basic budgeting… how much of your salary is accommodation, how much to calculate for utilities… Mandy Duff Aucamp
• How to do your taxes. Budgeting. How to make your CV and navigate job interviews. Vicky Swanepoel
Your sterling responses
• How to make an appointment via a phone call. How to fill in medical forms.
• How to say no without feeling bad about it. Carin Bergh
It’s so simple – chat via their WhatsApp line and share your concerns > book a registered nurse > pay for the consult > get the care you or your loved one needs. Click here for more or WhatsApp 076 224 9005
• Navigating car licence fees, driver’s licence, buying and selling a car privately, the paperwork involved to avoid scams and outstanding fees if a car gets scrapped.
• How to understand credit card interest and tax. Nicole Berman
management, cancer care, wound care and wellness checks – they’re the second set of professional eyes you need for your family. They also provide access to nursing professionals who can assist with at-home care for new mums, sick children and even addiction care and counselling – all in the safe environment of your own home.
• How to claim back your tax on e-filing. How to change a tyre. The difference between credit interest and loan interest. CPR.
• Employment and labour laws. How to open a company and what you need to go with this. How to register for SARS e-filing and how to do a basic tax return. Shereen Digre
• Tax, prepping for savingsbudgeting,investments,interviews,(basically gaining financial exploringfreedom), the world, sewing...changingthingsmechanicalbasiconacar,tyres, Tracey Corrigan Byron
Nicky Lailvaux Empathy.
- How to stand up for yourself when you don't like the way you are being treated.
FUTUREFAMILY'SYOURREFINING
Cheryl Levine Finkelstein
- When to walk away!!
It’s no secret that The Village LOVES Ireland. Why? No 1: Ireland loves South Africans!
- How important it is to share how you feel, no matter how silly you may think it is.
But also … the friendliest and EurozonecountryEnglish-speakingonlyintheissafe,
has to offer and excellent education and healthcare. If you’re information,ForEURinvestment:Minimumrequirements.AfricaImmigrationourmeetingAndingrowingoneasimplyimmigratingconsideringorlookingforPlanB,considerofthefastest-economiestheEurozone.considerwithpartnersatSouthtodiscuss1million.morevisit
SouthImmigrationAfrica or Contact southafrica.comimmigrationNatalie@ today!
stable, offers a high quality of life (great pubs), rugby (!), safe and friendly to5citizenshipeligibilityandeconomiccities,growthopportunities,forEUafteryears,accessallthatEurope
03. ReceivePayan invoice and pay conveniently and securely online.
• Mental Health & Psychiatric Care
AdjustmentBereavement&ChronicBabyCounsellingAddictionEnd-of-LifeCareCareCare&&ChildcareDiseaseCareManagement&Counselling
FOR PROFESSIONAL
• IV Management
WHAT SERVICES DOES NOOSI OFFER?
• Covid-19 Care
04. ReceiveConsulthealthcare in the comfort of your home or via a virtual consultation.
General Nursing Elderly
WITHOUT
• Sexual & Reproductive Health
01. ExplainConnectyourspecific health care requirements. NOOSi matches you with a registered and reliable nurse.
Home is at the Heart of Health
• Pre & Post-Operative Care
02. ScheduleBookanurse for your needs, from a short wellness visit to 24 hour, long-term care.
There are four simple steps to securing the right nursing professional for your needs.
ARE YOU LOOKING HEALTHCARE LEAVING YOUR HOME?
REACH US EASILY AT noosi.health OR 076 224 9005
ACHIEVE PEACE OF MIND FOR YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE BY CONNECTING WITH A PROFESSIONAL NURSE VIA NOOSI TODAY! HIGH QUALITY AND COMPASSIONATE CARE IS JUST A CLICK AWAY.
www.noosi.health
• Immunisation
If you’re an excellent nursing professional interested in joining the NOOSi platform, we’d love to hear from you. Check out noosi.health and get in touch with 076/company/noosi-health/NOOSi_Health/noosihealthus.2249005
NOOSi is a digital platform that offers at-home or virtual nursing services, that are compassionate, secure and Onaffordable.theeasy-to-use platform, you can connect with independent professional nurses registered with the South African Nursing Council. The NOOSi platform spans booking to payment, and is available at www.noosi.health
That means child 1 could be making themselves their favourite after school cheese toastie while child 2 is making themselves hot chips, OR you could be making supper in the one while someone else is making a snack in the other basket –it’s sheer genius and it’s available in SA now. Thank you Instant Pot for keeping us sane! Available now at @Home, Yuppiechef and Hirsch’s Homestores R4,699.
BUM'S THE WORD
“You know I’ve been thinking a lot lately about bums! What’s the actual purpose of this thing? Was it really necessary for me to have such big ones and hips? Really, if the whole purpose is to cushion the tail bone and to aid my walking, I should have been able to do that perfectly with a small bum. I don’t walk much, but I bump things a lot. Have you seen the tiny passages at Woolworths that we have to navigate through as we approach the tills? I had to ask to talk to the manager as I felt like by the time I reach the till I’ll be all bruised.” Zama Pienaar
My father in law typed a grocery list in order of the aisles with tick boxes, then printed a whole bunch. So you just needed to tick the items you need for that week. Taryn Buckley
Natalie Lawson
A I S L E B Y A I S L E
Michelle Polley said... Villagers, I need some backup. Who else writes their shopping list according to the shop aisles? Come on, I need you!
Jane Bradpiece Plit
4
dutyDouble
I have gone one further. Write shopping list, check specials catalogues, highlight by colour according to shop, rewrite shopping list in aisle order, by shop.
Louise Chennells
If you’ve ever heard the words “I don’t want to eat that, I want something else” uttered in your home, then you most certainly need the newest innovation from our favourite appliance brand, Instant Pot. The Instant Vortex Plus Clearcook Airfryer is the stuff of moms-of-teenagers’ dreams. Because… it has not one, but TWO airfryer drawers that can be programmed to different temperatures… at the same time!
04 FOMO #15
5
I don't even understand the question . Heidi Kornmuller
3
I do mine in excel by shop and aisle and then make a pivot table for each shop by aisle. You are NOT bad - I am WAY worse.
2
Nope. If I even have a list, it doesn't make it to the shops with me.
1
Shake what your mama gave you, Zama!
A TEEN'S MESSAGE TO PARENTS
We are so grateful to this remarkable mother and her brave, el oquent daughter for sharing this insightful advice with us. You’re right, Mom – this really is a gift. Thank you.
SELF HARM:
The reality of growing up in this generation has led to a massive amount of depressed, anxious, suicidal teens. I was one of them. Like many others I resorted to self-harm to try and cope. Despite the stereotype, it wasn’t a craving for attention. I – in fact, like most teens – kept it a secret for over a year. For me, personally, it was stimulating and highly addictive and I liked to visually
I f*cked up when my daughter cut. I did not handle it well at all. And I wish I could change it and I really failed her. But I can’t. I hate the scars. I hate that she was in so much pain. And I made things worse for her. But we are over one year clean and the fact she can now share this is huge!”
• Don’t grab any injured body part or demand to see it, this creates a hostile environment in an already very fragile moment.
A list of things all parents with kids who self-harm should know
• It’s not important what the self-harm looks like, what they are using or why they haven’t told you. Your main priority needs
07 FOMO #15
“This is a gift I am giving to you all. A gift of wis dom from my incredibly brave daughter. My niece is self-harming so I asked my daughter if she could share some wisdom for my sister. So, she wrote this for us mothers who stand in horror watching our beautiful kids hurt themselves and not knowing what to do.
• It may be impossible to hide your expression of shock, disappointment or anger when seeing or discovering that your teen is self-harming. Try to collect your thoughts before confrontation and approach your teen with a calm and caring attitude because your teen might feel defensive or bombarded and they need to know this is a safe trusting place.
see the internal pain. But it was also incredibly tough and stressful to keep a secret – and the reaction you as a parent have can be a pivotal moment in your teens’ self-harm journey.
LET’S START WITH WHAT NOT TO DO:
REMEMBER:
• Having an open relationship with your teen about self-harm is so essential and if you can nail that you are doing an incredible job, because it’ll take a lot of vulnerability from your teen to open up and trust their parent.
• It’s also important to remember recovery isn’t linear and your teen is most likely going to relapse. There are apps like ‘I am Sober’ that can help keep track, and maybe you can set goals or rewards if your teen is open to it.
• Telling your teen it will leave marks and affect their future is useless because they could be at a point of not caring about the future.
• From my personal experience I had urges to self-harm whenever I’d upset or angered someone, and vice versa, or when I’d fail or mess up a minor situation or task as it was always a last straw – so look out for these situations.
The ultimate goal is not to stop the self-harm (taking away privacy, any harmful tools, punishment) but to work through the reason the self-harm began, however you may do this, through admissions, therapy, medication, love and support.
0800 41 42 43
IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO:
• Knowing they can come to you in the future helps you be prepared to prevent the self-harm. Whether that’s taking them on a walk with the dog, going shopping, grabbing a drink, baking or watching a movie – taking your teen’s mind off the urge to self-harm and being around them to hold them accountable helps a lot.
• Offering Bio-oil, ointment or scar tape if they are minor cuts to help with healing is logical, but make sure your teen is ready because some people find it difficult and triggering when scars or wounds heal and fade.
• Talking about triggers, urges, alternative coping strategies and therapy without judgement really helps.
08 FOMO #15
South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) keeps a list of therapists in all areas of South Africa. Open seven days a week, 8am to 8pm. SADAG also has numerous useful online articles and resources: sadag.org
• Remember self-harm can become competitive and many teens feel like their injuries are not severe enough. Focus on validating their emotional pain. It can also be good to have a discussion if they’ve got another friend who self-harms and triggers them or if they learnt it from someone, but make sure this discussion only happens if your teen is willing to.
• Try not to get frustrated if they come to you to tell you they’ve relapsed, keep in mind self-harm is highly addictive and thank them for trusting you.
• It’s always important to ask if they need medical attention and in life-threatening cases you obviously need to intervene.
Support for you and your teen
• A lot of teens learn about self-harm methods through peers, TikTok or just the internet. It’s not unlikely they’ll know someone else who self-harms, but make sure to focus on your own teen.
• Ask them why and then work on establishing a relationship where they feel they can come or call you whenever they are triggered or have urges.
to be why and how can we prevent it from happening again.
It’s time to break up with your old air fryer
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Shop the Instant Vortex Air Fryer range at @Home, Yuppiechef and Hirsch’s Homestores R4,699
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Instant Vortex Plus air fryer with ClearCook , 5.7L
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.
“My daughter’s name is Carrera... the only Porsche we could afford."
HANLIE VAN SCHALKWYK
“In our family, our names run in alphabetical order, and I got the letter "H"! My maintaineddoctorthat my baby was a boy, and we chose the name Hayden. Turned out to be a girl, and, because we hadn't fallen in love with any other 'H' names, we stuck with what had been a 'boy' name 25 years ago.”
CINDY ROBERTS
“I named my kids after where they were conceived so they are Noordhoek, Bangkok and Club Bathroom ...”
DEBBIE HUTTON
“My late Dad Colin started the C tradition. My Brother Is Clive and names that followed are Cynthia, Carol, Crighton, Candice, Claire, Craig, Clayton, Cherise, Courtney, Chelsea, Cheydon, Colin, Chase, Carter, Claudia, Caleb and Carter. Clive was named after Clive of India.”
“My parents named us alphabetically too, I'm the 4th child. I never thought of carrying it on to the generation!!nextIronically
JANETTE SMITH MURRAY
“My son is called Eland. I have always had this strange admiration for the antelope and what they meant to the Koi people. They believed an Eland has the power to transcend to a different world, and I hope my son and his generation can help us make this world better – in a way transcend us to a more compassionate way of being.”
WHAT'S IN A AWHAT'SAWHAT'SNAME?INNAME?INNAME?
alwaysthere’sCindy!Wow,one...
“Think carefully. My mother named me after her little dog who only died when I was 9. I am still in therapy 49 years later!”
my firstborn is Abigail but my second does not start with B. Should've somethingchosenwithZ as she was always going to be the last!”
CORRINE DAMON
“We are generationon three, and still only at ‘K’. I like your idea of going from A to Z in one generation more!”
11 FOMO #15
CORRINE DAMON
ANTON DE KOCK
Natalia’s name share got you talking!
HAHA!!!
Youth is a time of rapid change. the ages of twelve and seventeen a parent can age thirty years
Between
,
BAILEY-BELLSHERRI
YOU'REALONENOT
4. DO theirrememberlovedone –acknowledge why you admired them – send that card or message.
5. DO note anniversaries and important dates in the months to come – their loved one’s birthday for example will be a difficult day –flowers, a card or a visit may offer some comfort.
6 GRIEVINGSOMEONETOWAYSHELP
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1. DON’T hide away. You may not be on the inner droppingoff-supper circle – but a message to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ can help with the enormous sense of isolation grief can bring.
“I want to say the biggest thank you to each and every one who took time to talk to me. So many of you have gone through the same type of loss and really know what I am feeling. Thanks for also making yourselves vulnerable and maybe opening wounds by sharing with me. To the over 1000 people who reacted to my post, I thank you as well. You have all helped me feel less alone. May each of you be blessed.”
6. DON’T comparisonsdraw to your experiencesown unless they ask.
12 FOMO #15
We know that some of you are battling with intense feelings around grief and loss – The Village is here for you! Keep reaching out, sharing and ask for help when you feel you don’t have an answer.
3. DON’T diminish –words like ‘they’re in a better place’ may be helpful to you, but not for someone grieving deeply.
From a herwhenVillagerrecentwhoreachedoutthelossofhusbandwasoverwhelming:
REACH OUT: Lifeline is a free 24-hour national counselling service manned by trained volunteers. Call 0861 322 322
2. DO offer specifics – a meal, a grocery shop, to walk the dog, fetch children from school.
Our frustrated Villager and husband want alone time. Her teens (aged 13 and 17) interrupt whenever door is locked after bedtime.
13 FOMO #15
INSIGHTS INTO
“I can't help but feel they are doing this purposely – like they are ‘in this together’ and it's a joke between them. It just happens too often for me to think otherwise… How do we handle this? What do we say to our kids and how do we let them know that we want to be left ALONE when the door is locked?!!!”
INTIMACY
Sage advice about parental private time YOU SAID…
“Definitely open door... You have to protect them from their own hormones!”
“Open door and a conversation about being respectful of your home and space. And.... a conversation with her parents and the teens together... you know… all getting on the same page and all.”
“I’m much more emphatic about my big boys treating girls with respect, than attempting to hold back the flood of teenage hormones.”
You said...
“It's a difficult call but I think the easiest would be to also speak to the girlfriend's mom and see how she feels about it. If they want to have sex, they will find a way.”
“Closed doors, BUT open honest communication. And only closed doors if my teenager’s significant other’s parents are on board. And also... I’d ask my offspring what THEY want. Maybe my kid wouldn’t be ready for intimacy but their partner is... and maybe my kid is the one wanting a get-out pass.”
Closed door policies?
What about our teens and their private time?
‘We have always suggested to our kids that they wait until they are finished school to have sex because it’s so allconsuming to be a in a sexual relationship at this age – at any age really – and can be so onparents’generallyemotionaldistracting,andhectic.Whatareotherthoughts(closed)doors?’
“We have a ‘knock and enter immediately’ policy in our house. Much kerfuffling, huffing and puffing but no pregnancies yet. Still ... 15 is young. Think ours started demanding it around the late sixteen early seventeen mark.”
“Closed door. Just a sign of respect to all.”
14 FOMO #15
"I went to a play date the other day at someone's house. Almost the moment I stepped through the front door, the mom giggled "Mimosa time!" and my body froze up.
I wasn't prepared for this.
15 FOMO #15
Today, because I was so caught off guard, I probably looked like a deer in headlights. I almost said "Yes" and thought about just pretending to sip it. But I said "Not right now,
Beingwith".alcohol
I'm good thank you" and the conversation veered to something else.
free can truly feel ostracizing. And it's strange to think that alcohol is the only drug that we have to explain NOT using. Time to change the narrative. Alcohol free is a choice that should not require an explanation, embarrassment or fear of condemnation. #changethenarrative
Thanks to Villager Kali WiddSatyagrahaforsharing!
Read this by Celeste Yvonne.
Most times, when I'm heading to a social gathering, I have time to prepare. I mentally prepare, I physically prepare (I always bring a kombucha with me), I emotionally prepare.
But I didn't. I was afraid she would think I wasn't fun. I was afraid she wouldn't want to have more play dates with me. I read a meme yesterday that said, "I determine my kids play dates by which mom I want to drink wine
I think about what I will say when someone asks why I'm not drinking. I think about how deep I want to get in the conversation –because some days I'm ready to go there, and other days I want to talk about anything BUT that.
But it came up again about 15 minutes later. And again another 15 minutes later. And I was practically banging my head against the wall mentally thinking, "Why don't I just tell her I don't drink?"
ARE CURIOUS?SOBERYOU
• AL ANON offers partner and family support and meetings .
16 FOMO #15
Let's talk about
“I have two boys at university – one in Cape Town and one in Stellenbosch – and I’m quite alarmed about the rate that Ritalin is being taken amongst their peers. It seems they save them up, not taking them daily as prescribed, and then binge them for studying and exams. It’s most often crushed and snorted for faster results, apparently. Sometimes it’s taken just before going out drinking for an extra buzz. I’m no expert but sounds a lot like cocaine to me. Not sure if parents know about this, but a large percentage of my sons friends are using it in this way especially the first years. One boys is apparently prepared to pay R500 per tablet if he can get his hands on one.”
Some Villager suggestions for affordable (and free) rehab centres and resources:
• Call the City of Cape Town’s 24/7 toll-free alcohol and drug helpline on 0800 4357 4 8 (0800 HELP 4 U) for free advice.
AND...
IRELANDEDUCATION
• Support for families – Parent Hood Tribe on Facebook.
• Ramot Treatment Centre in Belville, Cape Town, offers free online meetings every Thursday.
• Sultan Bahu Rehab Center in Hanover Park is a government out-patient facility.
“Hello Village, I’m a broken-hearted mom of a 22-yearold son who has been using drugs recreationally since my divorce from his father 7 years ago. My biggest heart sore right now is that I know he needs rehab and I cannot afford it. He has been once before and I can see all the tell-tale signs of him needing to go again. I’m looking for an affordable option. I’m no longer on medical aid as it’s become too expensive for me, so neither is he.”
• Krave to Save – this Hopefield-based rehab is run by an ex-addict.
• List of free drug rehab facilities across SA here
We’ve had a flurry of posts asking for advice about their teens taking illegal substances and/or misusing legal stimulant medication like Ritalin.
Education in Ireland is hosting 9 Irish InstitutionsEducationHigherin Cape Town during the week of the 10th of October, with the main Education Fair taking place on Tuesday, 11 October from 15h00 – 20h00 at Kelvin Grove in internationallystudentsmatricthearoundimportanteducation.internationalconsideringtokeyonaretheWorkshopstoalsoStudentsandopportunitiesdiscussuniversitiesfromrepresentativestotheStudentsRondebosch.willhaveopportunitymeetwithallthevisitingtopotentialapplication.willbeinvitedattendFreeatFair,whichbeingheldsubjectsofimportanceanystudentsanTheissuewhetherSouthAfricanallowstostudy will be specifically addressed to set parents’ and students’ minds at ease. Please follow the Village and Education in Ireland as plans unfold for this exciting event.
DRUG ABUSE
IRELAND
