92.16 by The Clocktower

UNION COLLEGE

ISSUE 92.16 | APRIL FOOLS/2018

Mocktower

THE

WHAT'S INSIDE NONSENSE page 03

TOM FOOLERY page 04

ZERO TRANS FAT page 08

MISCHIEF page 11

Changes create combined Culver commorancy | PC: Kayla Potts

INTEGRATION OF THE GENDERS O

n February 29, Union College Board of Directors and Trustees collaboratively made a decision on a long-time discussion topic. There were numerous takes on the issue, but overall, the campus administrative leaders decided to move forward in their efforts to make Union a more progressive campus. Without any remaining limits to publications, it's a privilege to announce the integration of genders in the Culver student residence hall above the Ortner Center. Efforts to begin this integration will commence after the conclusion of summer classes and full integration will be seen at the start of the 2018-2019 academic school year. This development will still have its limitations, of course. The separating wall of Culver will be taken down and students in this residence hall will have neighbors of the opposite gender. However, limitations to this progressive

decision include that males and females may not share the same room, thus keeping with Adventist standards. Additionally, students must be 21 years of age, in senior standing by credits, have maintained positive social standing with the deans during their entire time at Union College and must have been a student for at least one semester prior to admission into the integrated Culver residency. Kim Canine, Vice President for Student Services at Union, commented, “We believe this will be a good opportunity for students getting ready to move into the ‘real world’ to have the experience of living in an apartment setting while still allowing them to remain on campus. The hope is that by giving these students the opportunity to live as ‘free adults’ in a controlled setting, they will experience less culture shock after graduation when moving into the real world.”

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W H AT ' S U P

Mocktower

THE

EDITORIAL STAFF Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Flechas Assistant Editor James Clague Copy Editor Jonathan Deemer Social Media Editor Chloe Blackburn Layout Editors Maegan Luckiesh Katie Buxton Photographers Esther Pervis (lead) Kayla Potts Sally Becker

NEWS

News Editor Danica Eylenstein Campus News Kayla Miller Local News Caroline Guchu World News Jesse Shoghi

HUMANS

Humans Editor Ria Carriger Memento Artem Cameron Cizek Collegiate Culture Amanda McCarter People & Travel Melissa Ratter HOUC Mike Ayala Freelance Bry Galloway

OPINION

Opinion Editor Maxwell Bromme Sports Opinion Tyler Dean Religious Opinion Kasondra Reel Global Opinion Wesley Rodriguez-Diep

SOCIAL MEDIA Facebook /ClocktowerASB Snapchat @asbunioncollege Read Online clocktower.ucollege.edu Read the Print issuu.com/clocktowerASB

GENDERS While the administrative majority are in agreement with Canine’s stance, some students are a little uneasy about this decision. Racquel Amich, sophomore international rescue and relief major and a current Rees Hall resident assistant explains, “I feel like it will be awkward, but it is a step forward, kind of, in Union going towards its liberal side.” Many other students are excited for this opportunity, however, and many more believe it is a step in the right direction for Union. “This is fantastic! Finally, I’ll get to see what it’s like living in an apartment

[ continued from page 1 ] setting while still having the comfort of being so close to the Dick Building, where most of my classes are, and the cafeteria. I definitely feel like Union made a good choice and I’m thankful that they are trusting us with this responsibility,” exclaimed April Folley, a junior business administration major. One thing is for sure, there's some division on this issue, but the changes this decision will enable are exponential. Carmen Sandiego is studying the intricate art of stealing diamonds.

IMPORTANT UPDATES M

onths after releasing its FD FD most controversial update ever, Snapchat is in trouble. App users were initially upset, with many even uninstalling the app. After v much heated back GR oo and forth between WRE the co fd mmu nity and the company, Snapc hat decided to roll out what it thought was a vb compromise with its fgf tabs option. This did nothing to quell the d masses, and the uninstalls continued into the 10s of thousands. Sna pc hat er wer derives its revenue from ads that users view, as such, every uninstall equates to less money coming

in. This is further exace rbated by the fact that the company has re continually operated at a net loss, mea ning that, desp ite EEW fd fd DFSFSFDS its stil lr hg massive FF user base, it is unable to take in more money than it is earn ing. For a company that is no longer a re startup, especially HSKDWE one with minimal to no physical investment needed DHSJ HD (things such as factories, materials, etc.) to conduct re business, such df cont inued losses are worrying. Fuyds g hjju asahj ja' sa;JAH SAHJHJAHJHJHJ HAHSUWQBEVEEVQUHZHG= SJ Editor McEditor Pants knows the things he doesn't know.

W H AT ' S U P

GONE IN A SNAP M

onths after releasing its most controversial update ever, Snapchat is in trouble. App users were initially upset, with many even uninstalling the app. After much heated back and forth between the community and the company, Snapchat decided to roll out what it thought was a compromise with its tabs option. This did nothing to quell the masses, and the uninstalls continued into the 10s of thousands. Snapchat derives its revenue from ads that users view. As such, every uninstall equates to less revenue coming in. This is further exacerbated by the fact that the company has continually operated at a net loss, which means that, despite its still massive user base, it's unable to take in more money than it's spending. For a company that's no longer a startup, especially one with minimal to no physical investment needed (things such as factories, materials, etc.) to conduct business, such continued losses are worrying. Further compounding the headaches for the company was the revelation that an ad for a game called “Would you Rather,” featured prominently on Snapchat, asked whether the user would want to slap Rihanna or punch Chris Brown.

“ Snapchat will be deploying grief counseling.

Snapchat’s shares are falling down, falling down | PC: techcrunch.com

Rihanna, as well as many other prominent figures on social media, responded sharply, accusing Snap of knowingly promoting domestic violence and profiting off of it. As was the same with the update debacle, thousands of users began uninstalling the company’s app, further denting its reputation and user base. Further apologies from the company did little to stem the bleeding. Last week, after years of losing money and the multiple scandals, the company made an announcement that its investors feared was inevitable. In its most recent shareholder letter, Snap made the announcement: the company would be going out of business. As a result, the company’s sole product, Snapchat, would be shut down by the end of the year. In an effort to keep the customer’s information, stories and friends intact, Snap has entered into an agreement with Facebook to morph the app into Instagram and Messenger. Users will eventually be getting notifications about the announcement, and preparations will have to be made to get ready for the migration to Instagram. Fans of the app are outraged, left wondering if switching

to Instagram or another service would fill the void. When asked if he would switch to Facebook Messenger, Conner White, a senior studying theology said, “I guess I could move over to Messenger, but for real, Snapchat is where it's at. I don’t know if I could make the switch.” Since millions of people are still coming to terms with the startling news, Snapchat will be deploying grief counseling teams across the US, as well as launching an “It’s Me, not You” website dedicated to helping people decide what to do after the company goes dark for good. In a show of kindness, MySpace has announced that it would be taking in all users that didn't want to migrate over to Instagram and Messenger. Fortunately, users still have several months to choose which service to migrate to, so current users have plenty of time to Snap. https://www.statista.com/statistics/668190/ snapchat-annual-net-income-loss/ https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwoway/2018/03/17/594593132/snapchat-s-stocksinks-after-rihanna-denounces-domesticviolence-ad

Shawn Spencer is an expert at extinguishing popcorn fires.

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W H AT ' S U P

CRAZED CLIMBERS FORCE UNION TO BUILD MORE BOULDERING FACILITIES L

Funding for these projects will come from the money originally set aside for a new Larson Lifestyle Center. “The LLC remodeling was originally considered a priority, but the student body has declared otherwise,” Union said in a statement.

ast spring, Union opened a bouldering wall in the Don Love Building atrium that drew massive crowds on its first day. The attraction’s popularity has continued, and administration plans to open more climbing amenities to meet the excess demand. “I want to go climb for a study break, and the lines are just crazy,” says junior education major Bull Deralday. “Sometimes I wait thirty minutes, and then they tell me to go online to reserve a time for the next day!” Indeed, trying to access the bouldering wall is very difficult considering its campuswide popularity. Hopeful climbers create Black Friday-style lines in front of the cave waiting for it to open, and on occasion Campus Security has been called in to crack down on rampant

HOUC HUMANS OF UNION COLLEGE

A rare moment of emptiness at around 3AM PC: Esther Pervis

line-cutting and violent fights over “who got there first.” In response to a flood of angry emails demanding a solution, the president’s office has pledged to build more bouldering caves and rock walls across campus. Jared from the tree next door calls them “people” but I just think they’re mutant squirrels that are too big live to live in trees. Although, I have learned some things from these mutant squirrels. For instance, when I looked through a window of one of their concrete dreys I saw them playing a game on a magic moving picture box and learned how to escape from predators.

HOUC is compiled by Mike Ayala.

ello, my name is Buckyton McNutty III and I’m not sure how I got to Union, however, all I can really remember is eating acorns and running for my life half the time from some giant hairless squirrels with no tails.

When running away from the campus owl I run in a zigzag formation, so it can’t swoop me up and eat me. It's worked well so far. I also appreciate the free food dispensers placed all over campus and how the mutant squirrels always donate their food every single day. I don’t really feel like school is for me because I hear that the mutant squirrels

After a lengthy committee meeting, it was decided that four new locations will open: the Prescott Hall elevator will be torn out and replaced with a rock wall, as will three Rees Hall staircases. Hand and foot holds will be attached to the clocktower. Finally, the Mac Lab will be converted into a bouldering cave. Projects are slated for completion by the year 2057. Ernest Hemmingway is preparing to be a professional underwater basketweaver. dissect other animals for fun. However, I want to become a DJ and call myself the Nutty Professor and teach everyone what real music sounds like. Squirrel life moves pretty fast and if I don’t stop to take some time and enjoy it I might just miss out. Union has given me a great life so far and I know God has plans for me since I haven’t fallen out of a tree or gotten eaten by the owl yet, so he must have plans for me. Oh, and if you’re wondering how I know about God, Jared's Adventist and he hosts Bible studies in his tree pad. •Translated by Kronk as Mike Ayala does not speak squirrel. Buckyton McNutty III is an astronut studying how to be a pine artist.

THOUGHTS

UNL-UNION MERGER TO TEST PRINCIPLES E

arlier this year, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln ran into financial difficulty because of declining revenues from Husker games. After seeking assistance from other colleges in the area, the University committee decided that they either needed to be bought out or would shut down. The University began to search for campuses to take its students. Committee President Lee Former stated that “We [on the committee] thought long and hard about what might be the best fit for our students, and because Union College runs on faith and alumni funding, it seems like there could be no better choice.” In addition, there have been complaints about UNL’s location, including claims it is too far north causing “terrible winter chill and fierce corn-allergy attacks.”

Now what are we going to do with all these old statues? | PC: Kayla Potts

“Husker sports have been a huge part of Lincoln culture,” UNL Coach Bauhler explains, “and I think our athletes will be proud to continue that tradition as Union College Warriors.” Husker football practices and games will take place on the new home field: 49er’s field.

The committee agreed that Union’s more central, southern location will prove more beneficial for the students’ long term health.

Concerns have been voiced about visibility, parking and the lack of goal posts, which Union College is immediately addressing.

Because of the influx of athletic talent, Union Coach Spic Raulding is excited to announce that Warriors Football will now be competing in NCAA Division I as the first ever flag football team. He also announced that all upcoming Saturday games for this year will take place on Sunday.

Both Union and UNL’s annual homecoming will also be combined to take place the same weekend, and will start off with Union College’s first ever marching choir, baton twirler and all.

“ Students will only be allowed 5.64 minutes to eat.

This merger will lead to an unprecedented influx of students, throwing Union’s enrollment rate through the roof and making it the largest Adventist school. The recruiting department is temporarily suspended; Union is already over capacity. The suspension will be re-evaluated in two years. The recruiting staff will be temporarily transferred to the new Student Success Center.

Students are now being offered the ability to have three roommates, a popular option that wasn’t possible before. “My roommate and I can barely fill our room every year, so we are excited to share our room with two more people,” Mini Malistic shared. New classes will also be offered next fall. HMNT 267 Do I Clap or Say Amen, taught weekly by Fuell Bogg, and CAFE 377 When to Substitute Beans for Meat are two examples from our newly designed class list. Cafeteria hours will stay the same. However, students will only be allowed 5.64 minutes to eat. Head cook reports, “We still are going to uphold the same principles we had before, we just hope we don’t go broke trying to maintain the haystack bar.” In addition, Union still will not be serving real meat or coffee. The takeover date is scheduled tentatively for April first because of UNL’s tight schedule and desperate need for cash. Emmah Stoan is receiving a PhD in nuclear engineering to pursue an acting career.

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W H AT ' S U P

NEW LOCATION FOR AMAZON HEADQUARTERS A “ Building has

mazon, the world’s largest online retailer, has shown continual success, and with that success comes expansion. Currently headquartered in Seattle, Washington and with numerous locations around the globe, Amazon has become a household name since its founding in 1994. After searching for a location to call their newest home, CEO Jeff Bezos has decided on Lincoln, Nebraska as the next host city.

include Los Angeles, Dallas, Boston and Atlanta.

An influx of job opportunities is great news for business majors here on campus. “Not many people can say that they have the chance to get an internship at Amazon,” comments sophomore marketing major Robert Leslie. “With something that big, I might even be able to get a job with Amazon right after graduation.” Time to polish those resumes and dress shoes, seniors.

already started and will continue all summer and the scheduled opening is September 2018, just in time for the upcoming school year.

According to Bezos, Lincoln is the perfect location–just what he and his team have been looking for. “The Midwest has great potential and the people here are so welcoming, ” comments Bezos. “With Lincoln being the state capital, we couldn’t have picked a better place.”

Along with the new headquarters, Amazon Go is another addition that will soon be available to account holders in the Lincoln area. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Amazon Go is a grocery store filled with readyto-eat meals and staple groceries but without the hassles of long check-out lines. Just grab what you need and go, hence the clever name.

new Amazon headquarters,” comments senior business administration major Roy Obregon. “It makes grocery shopping fast, easy, and also fun at the same time.” Amazon Go will be located in the new headquarters.

An estimated 50,000 jobs and $5 billion in investments will come from the company, which will make a tremendously positive impact on the city. Other cities that were considered

Customers can enter the store with the Amazon Go app, then it tracks the items that were taken and the correct amount is billed also using the app. “I’m glad that Lincoln was chosen for the

If you’re wondering when and where you will be able to experience all the extensive things the new headquarters has to offer, great news is the wait isn’t too long.

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Building has already started and will continue all summer and the scheduled opening is September 2018, just in time for the upcoming school year. The headquarters will be located just a 15 minute drive from campus, across the street from the Lancaster Event Center on the corner of North 84th and Havelock. “Lincoln has a lot to benefit from the Amazon headquarters as well as their grocery stores and it’s exciting to see how this will change the city,” comments sophomore nursing major, Alyse Maxwell.

Coming soon to a mailroom near you, 15 minute shipping | PC: IMC

Justin Case is preparing to be a professional tiny kitchen chef for Tastemade.

HOMO SAPIENS

SQUIRREL | PC: Kayla Potts

UNION’S SQUIRRELS STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT S

quirrels. You’ve seen them on the campus and they’ve seen you. While most of the student/squirrel interactions on campus have been limited to staring at each other between classes, Union has decided to change this by incorporating the squirrels into the drama program. The incorporation of live animals into theatrical performances is not a new idea. Several successful shows have brought live animals into the spotlight including The Wizard of Oz and Annie, which both included a dog. However, despite their incredible intelligence, squirrels haven't held a major or minor role in a stage production. Unsurprisingly, there are many challenges that come with acting alongside squirrels. Communication has been one of the biggest concerns. There was debate whether the squirrels should be made to learn English or the humans should

learn how to squeak. It was eventually decided upon that both parties would compromise and learn Morse code. Getting into the mindset of the characters is also expected to be a challenge for the squirrels. Unlike human actors who have the advantage of taking on the roles of other human characters, the squirrels will have to learn how to think and act as a human before taking on any character roles. Acting for the small creatures will certainly be no easy feat, but Union’s drama team has confidence that they will be up to the task. Guila Medrano, a junior biochemistry major, has participated in many of Union’s productions, including Captain Scrooge and The Curse of the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Jubilee Road. “When I first heard the news [about the squirrels], I thought it was a prank,” she recounted. “I mean, it sounds like something someone would say as an April Fool’s joke.” Although at first suspicious of the idea of working alongside the squirrels,

she has now warmed up to the idea. “I think that this could really bring in a lot of audiences,” Medrano said. “We might even make it on the news-especially if someone gets bitten!” The first show that the squirrels will be performing in will be a live-action production of Veggie Tales. Most of the major roles are expected to be given to students, but squirrels with promising auditions will be given consideration as well. This amazing opportunity may allow for a squirrel to play the iconic role of Larry the Cucumber or Bob the Tomato for the first time in history. Auditions for the show will take place in September of the 2018 fall semester and performances are scheduled for the first two weeks of December. “I think it will be one of Union’s most memorable productions,” Medrano said. “Everyone should definitely check it out!” Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramíez degree information is classified, we can't tell you.

HOMO SAPIENS

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PAINTINGS IN THE WORLD MEMENTO ARTEM A

rt is an extremely s u b j e c t i v e experience. Every work will bring a spectrum of opinions. A Picasso may bring an “I love this piece” or an “It’s

dandelion yellow dress soaked by rain. Still, Bouvier was intentional in her use of color to describe emotion.

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However, there are some pieces that transcend subjectivity and become objectively beautiful. There are few works that accomplish this rarity, but when they do it’s phenomenal and awe-inspiring for all who bear witness to their beauty. These are examples of such pieces.

The golden rays of light and yellow dress represent emotions commonly associated with positivity, the blues represent the negative or dark emotions. Again, a contrast is made.

Vibrant color is everywhere in this painting.

Despite the strong color emotions, Bouvier making the rain a grey tone holds a symbolic meaning of inner peace. Bouvier accomplishes more than a stunning visual piece of art, but a visual mantra into which we can find ourselves.

full of contentment. Vibrant color is everywhere in this painting as reflected by the Art Nouveau style.

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not for me.”

The mermaid’s scales shine with hues from vividest green to deepest gold. The group of sea creatures also contains a diverse spectrum of hues. La Sirena’s fiery red hair cascades over her shoulders. The deep blue of the ocean. The radiant soft yellow hue of the moon that mirrors upon the water. This painting causes the viewer to want to be in the scene and feel her wonder.

Girl Dancing in the Rain | PC: Sally Becker

La Sirena (The Mermaid) | PC: Sally Becker

Girl Dancing in the Rain by Clarice Bouvier creates a mystical encounter that explores the human experience of emotion.

La Sirena (The Mermaid) by Nichola de’ Medici draws inspiration from the Art Nouveau movement. Through Art Nouveau, Medici wanted to use the motif of organic and fluid forms. In the painting we find a mermaid alone on the beach lit my moonlight.

We find the figure of a young girl hovering mid-leap in the air during a downpour of rain. Bouvier’s dramatic use of color is a tool she uses to pull the viewer into the scene. The deeply rich hues of blue immerse the viewer in the intimate scene. These hues contrast her

Dancing spheres of light and creatures of the sea surround her. She peers into the water with a face expressing curiosity. Even so, her reflection shows a face

It's an awakening of the childlike imagination that we all have and urges us to shamelessly explore that imagination. Beauty in art is beyond simple aesthetics. It's something that even the great philosopher Plato encourages. An untouchable abstract “something” we can’t possibly achieve. However, we can pursue the form through art. Sometimes our opinions differ on what may achieve beauty. However, like these paintings, there are times that opinions align and beauty is found by all within humanity. Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio doesn't know where he is and at this point is too afraid to ask.

HOMO SAPIENS

HISTORY OF THE FRICHIK RECIPE AT UNION COLLEGE or decades, A d v e n t i s t s throughout the world have been enjoying the delicious meat substitute known as ‘FriChik.’ It was first brought into common use in the 1940s, to encourage Adventists in the southern United States to give up meat and convert entirely to vegetarianism. The moment FriChik hit the shelves and serving lines of the Adventist Book Centers and colleges, it was a success. Students hoarded cans of it during the school year to bring home to their families in the summer. In the 1960s, after several attempts to steal the recipe, Worthington foods (owned by the Adventist Church at the time) reached out to the the presidents of the Adventist universities in the United States, asking if one them would be willing to house the secret recipe for FriChik in their archives. The Presidents gathered together at the 1962 General Conference

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Keeping the recipe so close to them might be too much temptation for their library staff.

session in San Francisco to discuss who would house it. President S. D. Algood from Andrews voted that Andrews not hold it, as it’d be the obvious choice to look for something so near and dear the the hearts of so many Adventists.

“ Most people never thought of Union, and ... surely no one would go all that way just to steal a FriChik recipe.

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Southwestern Adventist University (Southwestern Union College at the time) said neither they nor Southern should be given the privilege, as the dish had originally targeted Adventists in the Southern Region and keeping the recipe so close to them might be too much a temptation for their library staff. Walla Walla said that they wouldn’t mind the honor of housing the recipe within their Library, however Pacific Union College spoke up and said that the West Coast schools would be the second place most would look for it. The executive from Worthington was beginning to despair that there

was no safe place for the recipe when Dr. N. E. Goodlyfe of Union College suggested Union’s growing archives would be an excellent place. Union was centralized in the middle of the country, with a smaller student population who could more easily conceal the secret. Plus, he argued, that with so many of the students often being midwestern kids from farming families, they craved real meat more, so the FriChik recipe wouldn’t be such a temptation to them. The other schools agreed. After all, most people never thought about Union, and being in the middle of Nebraska, surely no one would go all that way just to steal a FriChik recipe. The recipe was moved into the library in the summer of the following year. Current library staff declined to comment on it, outside of confirming that it did indeed reside in the library. A former library student worker, wishing to remain anonymous, assured the Mocktower that the recipe resides in the Heritage Room, and that they’d heard it was somewhere among the Ellen White books. But Adventists can rest safe knowing that the recipe for a much beloved food is in the safe and silent hands of the Union College Library.

Background Photos | PC: fakemeats.com

Betty Bryson is studying to be a professional tic-tac-toe player.

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THOUGHTS

THE BEST SPORT AT UNION YOU HEARD IT HERE LAST ver the past two days, the Union golf team competed in Southeast CC’s golf tournament in Beatrice. While everyone on the team played decently, the real highlight of the tournament was the exceptional turnout of Union students. It seemed as though hundreds of students, maybe thousands, followed each and every Union golfer. Said Athletic Director and Head Coach Ric Nicklaus, “I wasn’t sure if some of the new guys could handle it, these crowds tend to have quite an effect on the mental game. I figured Tyler [Woods] would play at least a stroke worse today.” I counted roughly 1200 Union fans gathering around the final green, which was quite interesting, given that Union doesn’t even have 1200 students. Granted, golf is actually one of the sports Union is more competitive at, but even so, no one could have possibly expected these crowds. The tournament’s director and course professional, who asked to remain anonymous, said that they “would no longer be inviting Union. The fans were rowdy, tore up our

Support: Overwhelming | PC: cdn-s3.si.com

course, and quite frankly didn’t have a clue what was going on.” On an unrelated note, senior golfer Justin Spieth (who couldn’t play in this tournament due to conflicts) seemed to be near every green on the second day of the tournament, shouting “Mashed Potatoes!” after every shot. (Seriously. Even putts.) Sophomore Max McCord (who hits the ball so far that he routinely gets

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We're going to have to turn the driving range into a parking lot.

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asked to take drug tests mid round) loved the support he got from the fans. Said McCord, “It motivated me to do my absolute best.” Seniors Paul Mickelson and Ryan McIlroy said the whole day was “straight out of a Barstool Sports Instagram story.” McIlroy agreed with my earlier claim of competitiveness, saying “it’s fantastic to see us finally getting recognition. I thought most people didn’t know we had a golf team, but compared to other sports we tend to be at least almost competitive.” Junior Ashton Furyk had perhaps the most memorable quotes of the tournament. “Why are these people here to watch this circus?” “You guys might want to back up for this one” were two of his best, but the one that takes the cake was when he muttered

“Sure hope I don’t shank this into the crowd” and then proceeded to shank it directly into the crowd. The next tournament is at Wilderness Ridge this coming Friday. Never fear, Union fans; Coach Nicklaus has already informed the course of the potential crowds and they have made the necessary preparations. There will be vendors, plenty of directional signs (we promise you won’t get hit by too many more golf balls), and tournament officials holding quiet signs so you know when you probably shouldn’t be yelling. The real problem, however, is going to be Union’s home tournament, Friday April 13th starting at 1:00 PM CST. Holmes Lake Golf Course has already begun building temporary structures for fans, broadcasters, and cameramen. Still, they worry it won’t be enough. I talked to Scott Carlson, the course professional at Holmes, and he seemed nervous about the tournament. “We’re in uncharted territory here. We’re going to have to turn the driving range into a parking lot, and pray that the lake freezes over so we can use that for parking as well. I don’t think the state of Nebraska has enough quiet signs for us, so we’re having to make our own. And we only have one bathroom out on the whole course!” So if you haven’t already jumped on the golf bandwagon (which is nearly impossible given the tournament attendance in Beatrice), you definitely should. But be sure to get there early. Parking is going to be a nightmare.

Tyler Woods is studying to be a professional ski bum.

THOUGHTS

KOREAN CONCOCTION GLOBAL CITIZEN T

he 2018 Winter Olympics was arguably one of the most unusual we have seen. The internet had a field day with snowboarder Chloe Kim and her winning moments after she tweeted about it. But the most surprising development was not only the fact that North Korea participated, but that they united with South Korea to become one united Korean team. This caught most of the world by surprise and was expected to be a great segue into opening up more peace talks between the countries. But that expectation was altered by an event that took place only days after the Olympics. That’s right folks, I’m talking about the fact that North Korea and South Korea are no more. There's only one united Korea now! Families were reunited and borders were disassembled! Former North Koreans now have access to Samsung’s many devices along with the Internet, while North Korean military bases have now become tourist attractions where people can rent a tank for a day!

“ Neither liked the idea of being president ... instead they have agreed on the title of Captains Korea.

“Capitalize me Cap’n Kim” - Anonymous North Korean Businessman | PC:Petr David Josek/AP, cnn.com

When the former heads of North and South Korea were asked who would be in charge of leading the new country, they agreed to equally share the burden of leadership. Neither liked the idea of being the President or First Chairman of Korea so instead they have agreed on the title of Captains Korea. Captain Kim Jong Un emphasized how much he appreciates that former South Korea has access to world business and travel that those in the north may now experience. Captain Moon Jae-in, the previous president of former South Korea, has mentioned that the military consolidation has created bettertrained regiments and the Koreans from the south now can explore the northern landscape, most of which is being converted to national public parks. But how did the two countries not only merge their strength at the Olympics but merge their entire countries? According to Captain Moon, it started off as a joke: he suggested that the Koreans would have a better chance at winning more medals if North and South Korea joined forces.

Captain Kim agreed and by the end of the Olympics, Korea had won 17 total medals. Seeing that working together benefited both countries, the leaders decided to apply the same principle to politics. What started as a joke turned out to be the biggest shock of the century! Hopefully this wonderful news will inspire the rest of the world to follow suit and unite when things look grim. What if North America, Central America and South America decided that they could all just be one big America? What if all the states got together and became one big State of America? I'm sure that’s one way to solve the California-Texas rivalry. But the greatest benefit of these unions around the world is that war will decline! No one will want to fight amongst themselves, right? http://time.com/5169066/final-medalcount-2018-winter-olympics/

Rover Cess is trying his best to find the Master Sword to be the hero Hyrule deserves.

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MIX IT UP

SPECIAL THANKS ASSISTANT EDITOR: Andrew Skurka who is studying cryptobiology to breed a unicorn. COPY EDITOR: Aaron Rodgers's Collarbone who is studying hot air ballon building. SOCIAL MEDIA EDITOR: Betty White who is studying to be retired. LAYOUT EDITORS: Elle Woods who is legally blonde. Cotton-Headed Ninny-Muggins who is studying to work in Santa's workshop. PHOTOGRAPHERS: Joey Tribbiani who is studying to be a professional napper. Michael Scott who is a failing college student. Ted Mosby who will one day master the four elements. NEWS EDITOR: Angelina Ballerina who is studying noodle composition to be a ramen critic. HUMANS EDITOR: Violet Baudelaire who is studying economics to one day be a cat lady. PEOPLE AND TRAVEL WRITER: Lara Croft who is studying the lost art of butterfly catching.

DISCLAIMER This issue of The Clocktower is brought to you by sarcasm, humor, gallons of coffee and little fibs. The events described within are fictitious in nature. Any similarities to real world events or people are purely coincidental. April Fools! *No bunnies were harmed in the production of this newspaper. However, our assistant editor was â&#x20AC;Ś Sorry James.*

https://www.puzzles.ca/sudoku_puzzles/sudoku_medium_379.html

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UPCOMING MAJOR EVENTs! March 31

The Floor is Lava

April 13

Freaky Friday

March 40

Anti-Gravity Event

April 18

Squirrel Appreciation Ball

April 1

Corn Shucking

April 29

Apocalypse

April 3-7

Shrek 6 Screening Party

April 30 - May 2

As the world has ended, there will be no finals.

The Clocktower encourages reader feedback and strives to maintain accuracy. If you have comments, please email us at cltower@gmail.com. The Clocktower, established in 1927 and sponsored by the Associated Student Body of Union College, is published weekly during the fall and spring semesters. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinion of the editors, Associated Student Body, Union College, or the Seventh-day Adventist Church.

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SUDOKU