95.8 by The Clocktower

The Mocktower October 28, 2020 Issue 8, Volume 95

Union Market to close in favor of local discounts Long lines and high costs cause closure of college cafeteria

s I am sure many of you have noticed, students are running out of money on their cafeteria cards. One student, Kristin Sydow, told me, “I have never had problems with having enough cafe money in the past. Last year, I had so much money left over in my account at the end of the semester, I stocked up on a ton of candy to give away at Christmas. But now I only have enough money to buy one meal a day at the cafe the rest of the semester. The money went so quickly, I didn’t know the cafe could cost so much!” Good news for all of you who are in the same boat as Kristin! Union has come up with a brand new solution to the cafe. They considered the longer lines caused by cafeteria staff serving students to comply with COVID-19 procedure, the increasing cost for those who are being served, and thus, paying for more than they can eat and students

eating together in large groups without social distancing. Due to these factors, this past Monday the President’s Council voted to close the cafeteria for the remainder of the semester. Coopers will remain open during the afternoons and evenings, and students will be offered the option of getting any remaining balance left on their Union Market/Coopers fund fully refunded. As an alternative to

@Joseph Lee

TURN THE PAGE 3 4 The official

UNION COLLEGE

newspaper

Pop Culture Comedy

5 Adventist 6

Outlook

Sports

Politics

Lincoln News

10 Love

11 Comics

12 Sudoku

Editor – in – Chief Jovan Cross Assistant Editor Juliet Bromme Distributor Marvin Velasquez Media Managers Francisco Campos Sierra Lastine Photography Editor Joseph Lee Layout Editor Chrisheline Kalawo Assistant Layout Editor Justin Anderson

NEWS Editor Olivia Jacobs

Coopers, those who choose to not be refunded will get 20% discounts at various restaurants in town, including De Leon’s, The Mill, Taco Inn, Valentino’s and Village Inn. Carrie Haveman is excited for the change: “I’ve always thought that students should be able to use their ID cards at places around town, especially the Mill.” As of now, no specific date has been set for this change, but the plan is to close the cafeteria sometime in the coming week. The final date depends on how fast Union can confirm discounts with several more restaurants, and how long it takes for the cafeteria to use up the perishable food they currently have in stock. This is an unprecedented and exciting change for Union, and with the balance of keeping Coopers open for students without vehicles and the restaurant discounts, this should be a good solution for all involved.

Photographer Max Lassel Adventist News Hannah Olin Union News Jade Covel Lincoln News TJ Pittenger

ENTERTAINMENT Editor Hannah Drewieck Photographer Andrew Schwartz Sports Joel Shetler Pop Culture Drew Hickman Comedy Sam Ortiz

LIFESTYLE Editor Maria Kercher Photographer Annabelle Harper Outlook Lacey Stecker Politics Alex Nesmith Love Kaitlynn Toay

Union Market in its final days. ©Joseph Lee

Jade Covel is a senior Religion major from Topeka, Kansas.

Netflix teams up with Union College to produce serviceexclusive horror film It will be very scary and you will scream

ith COVID-19 causing reliable funding and sponsorship to screech to a standstill, Union has been searching for outside methods to secure funding to keep the campus well-oiled for the remainder of the school year. Enter Netflix, the enormously popular streaming service, who, earlier this year, offered to sponsor Union during the 2020-2021 school year, and produce a film together. The film is in the horror genre, though President Sauder described it as “more of a thriller, so it has less of a cult or spiritualistic feel” in the presence of the board. The title is still being worked on to represent Union’s recent rebranding efforts. It just recently finished production, and I was lucky enough to be invited to a screening to help promote the film. The film stars multiple faculty members, including Ryan Teller, Taryn Rouse, Lori Peckham, Thomas Toews and Nancy Petta (I was told they tried to snag Seth Pierce for the lead, but he simply didn’t have time for the film’s tight deadline). When a lack of funding causes the power to go out on campus, a masked figure shows up and gratuitously bonks

©netflix

everyone on the head one by one, giving them terrible concussions. Some of them even barf on camera. I was on the edge of my seat when the villain was revealed to be none other than Prof … well, I can’t spoil that. You’ll just have to wait and see who it is when the film drops on Halloween! Despite its efforts to be self-aware and intentionally cheesy, this film actually became true art. The acting was top notch, the special effects were mesmerizing, and the cinematography was pleasing to the eye in every shot. This film is poised to be Netflix’s #1 through the entire holiday season if you ask me, and I’m excited for it to drop in just a few short weeks.

Drew Hickman is a junior Communication major from Shawnee, Kansas.

It’s happening: the annex of Adventist colleges The conquest has begun

nion College has announced its 2021 plans of annexing all other colleges in the Adventist system. Faculty and staff have all agreed unanimously that it’s time to move on from conquering the Midwest and move on to the rest of these United States. The first lucky subjects of our glorious conquest will be the two closest universities, Andrews University and Southwestern University. Our valiant leaders, the heads of each division, will lead us into this new age of enlightenment. Questions about why Union should do such a thing were answered by a heartfelt, passionate and fiery speech from our very own Phoenix Queen, Vinita Sauder. “We are a powerful and beautiful college. This war is our way of showing that to the rest of the world. By going and showing everybody what they are missing and guiding them to what we have, we are doing the world a great favor. To let them all continue living in darkness would be a great disservice to them all.” These pride-inspiring words were met with thunderous applause and a standing ovation from all attendees. When talking to our lead strategists, reporters were told some of the brilliant strategies that are being put into play to further the glory of Union College. Chief War Advisor Chris Rosado stated, “This is a project that has been in the works for decades. We have been secretly infiltrating all other colleges by sending in ‘transfer students’ to understand the inner workings of the unenlightened ones. As an added bonus, our people on

the inside have been working tirelessly to prepare the other universities to accept our rule. We have some other tactics that are in play, but those are above your security clearance.” After reaching out to the Student Association at SWAU, they only had one thing to say. “There is no war in Keene, Texas.” This is correct. There is no war. Only a path towards a better future for all. As we continue to spread our message, remember to watch out for anyone who says they’ve been to more than four Adventist colleges. You never know who’s watching.

Alexander Nesmith is a junior Communication Major from Calhoun, Georgia.

Seventh-day Adventist Church partners with Welch’s and Nabisco

NE is no longer football-less

hroughout the past few weeks, the Adventist church has been in the midst of this year’s Annual Council of the General Conference Executive Committee. Among the many important decisions and discussions that have taken place, an exciting new partnership was announced between the church and Welch’s and Nabisco. The plan is to make them the official communion drink and bread brands of the Adventist church. In a statement released this past week, church leaders said, “We are excited to announce our partnership with Welch’s and Nabisco. We believe that this will be positive for all parties and a great opportunity for the church.” Welch’s also released a statement saying that they were also “excited for the partnership” and were proud to be, “the official communion juice of the Adventist Church.” This has not come as a surprise to many, since Welch’s is what most Adventist churches have been using for communion for years. Nabisco also expressed their excitement for the partnership, saying, “We can’t wait to see our crackers in every church!” So, what are the benefits to this partnership? Starting January 2021, Welch’s and Nabisco will be supplying each church with their products. Welch’s will be delivering a variety of their classic juices every other month, including a generous supply of their grape juice, of course, for communion. Nabisco will be delivering a shipment of their products

©Joseph Lee

once a month. The partnership with Nabisco may be the most exciting, since there is a huge selection of crackers for churches to choose from. Each church will be allowed to choose a variety or varieties based on congregation preference. This will allow for more options for members of the congregation with allergies since Nabisco has both gluten-free and vegan products available. On the flip side, Nabisco and Welch’s will get to advertise their brands as the official juice and cracker brand of the Adventist church. While the response to the partnership has been mixed, most church members believe that it is a good thing. Hopefully, this will be a positive relationship for everyone involved. Hannah is a sophomore History Education Major from Princeton, Illinois.

I Love Cheese Halloumi babybel say cheese.

Feta smelly cheese jarlsberg. Cheesy grin melted cheese cream cheese danish fontina brie mascarpone boursin everyone loves. Halloumi cheese on toast cheese and wine cheddar parmesan camembert de normandie bocconcini dolcelatte. Blue castello cheesy grin stilton manchego cut the cheese macaroni cheese airedale goat. Ricotta red leicester cheeseburger cheesy feet. Edam fromage who moved my cheese. Cheese and wine cheddar cream cheese cheese and wine brie say cheese bavarian bergkase macaroni cheese. Stilton everyone loves cut the cheese melted cheese cheese and biscuits taleggio who moved my cheese fondue. Danish fontina edam cheesy feet cheese on toast blue castello mozzarella croque monsieur brie. Boursin. Halloumi macaroni cheese squirty cheese. Cauliflower cheese cottage cheese cheese triangles stilton fromage frais cream cheese squirty cheese boursin. Blue castello danish fontina when the cheese comes out everybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s happy taleggio parmesan the big cheese ricotta gouda. Rubber cheese cauliflower cheese. When the cheese comes out everybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s happy hard cheese cheese on toast. Roquefort cheesecake queso lancashire smelly cheese blue castello dolcelatte dolcelatte. Mascarpone fromage fromage stinking bishop caerphilly cheesy feet fromage smelly.

Caerphilly cheesecake rubber cheese. The big cheese cheesy grin mascarpone camembert de normandie gouda goat cauliflower cheese cheese and wine. Pepper jack mascarpone st. agur blue cheese ricotta taleggio roquefort cheese triangles blue castello. Chalk and cheese caerphilly the big cheese cheese slices. Everyone loves stilton bavarian bergkase. Fromage frais babybel stilton bocconcini cut the cheese dolcelatte lancashire queso. Manchego the big cheese camembert de normandie swiss cheesecake halloumi cheesecake mozzarella. Feta swiss cut the cheese mozzarella gouda hard cheese cheesy feet jarlsberg. Cheese strings babybel. Chalk and cheese halloumi halloumi. Bavarian bergkase cream cheese cheese and wine cheese triangles squirty cheese bocconcini macaroni cheese cheese and biscuits. Manchego red leicester cheese slices caerphilly stinking bishop taleggio croque monsieur bocconcini. Edam emmental brie stinking bishop hard cheese cheese on toast cheese strings. Fromage frais cottage cheese cottage cheese. Ricotta stinking bishop blue castello cheeseburger who moved my cheese camembert de normandie gouda croque monsieur. Cottage cheese emmental cheesy grin chalk and cheese say cheese smelly cheese dolcelatte manchego. Fromage boursin bocconcini edam. Squirrel Squirrlington is a sophomore Communications major from Oaktree, Northlawn

Union College is a national champion! The Union soccer and volleyball teams bring home a national title

ou may shake your head in bewilderment on how in the world Union College won a national championship, but let me explain. Union College won the National Christian College Athletic Association (NCCAA) DIII Championship in 2020 because of crazy circumstances, luck and a little loophole in the rule book. COVID-19 has caused many setbacks, problems and cancellations in 2020 for colleges and athletic programs across the country. Most programs began the year as usual by wearing masks and following the CDC guidelines. However, college students like to party and socialize, so it did not take much time at all until sports teams began contracting the virus. Because of COVID-19 spreading on campuses, sports programs all around the

nation began to cancel. Union College stayed open and their sports programs remained operational due to such low COVID-19 numbers. Since Union College could play soccer and volleyball games, and other teams had to cancel due to unsafe practices and COVID-19 transmission, forfeits were called. This happened week in and week out until the volleyball and soccer team amassed enough wins to enter the playoff bracket entirely from forfeit wins. With the last wave of COVID-19 plaguing the nation, no other soccer or volleyball team in DIII NCCAA sports could play except for Union College. This amounted to a forfeit win in every playoff game and ultimately the National Championship for the Warriors teams. This is the first national championship that Union College has ever won. As strange as it may sound, your Union College Warriors are the 2020 DIII NCCAA National Champions. Find the volleyball and soccer players and give them a shout of congratulations to show your support and love. This very well could be a once-in-a-lifetime event, so cherish it and celebrate. Go Warriors! Joel Shetler is a jnior Science Education major from Ruckersville, Virginia.

ÂŠIntegrated Marketing and Communication

What are you going to do to say NO to COVID-19? GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!

ood news everyone! Lincoln has decided to say NO to COVID-19. That’s right. The city of Lincoln has decided to say NO to COVID. Crazy right? According to the Mayor’s office, there has been a call for a boycott of COVID-19 due to the uprise in cases. “If we let this disease get the best of us, our town will turn into one of those cities from a post-apocalyptic movie,” said the health commissioner. “If we reject COVID-19, we can end its spread here.” COVID-19 cases are yet to go down as of the boycott, however, there have been cases of COVID-18 that stopped suddenly due to “Saying NO.” According to the 2018 census of disease, 75% of the cases stopped after the “Saying NO” campaign was introduced. Additionally, about 84% of the symptoms of a COVID-18 case were nowhere to be found in those that had contracted it before. According to the Lincoln Volitional Home Service (VHS), if all of Lincoln boycotted COVID-19 there would be a 98% decrease in hospital visits, pharmacy

trips and mask purchases along with a 100% decrease in COVID-19 cases. In their efforts to say NO to COVID-19, the city of Lincoln has lifted the mask policy, opened all previously closed businesses and removed the social distancing practice. Festivals have been planned for next week, movie theaters are now opening all seats and even Union College has decided to let more students into the classrooms. The mayor has planned a parade focused on celebrating not wearing masks. They are said to be going all throughout Lincoln with “Mask Off” by Future playing on loudspeakers. Soon, arrows taped on the floor of your classrooms, grocery stores and dorms will be removed and you will be free to walk wherever you want. Please, For the sake of everyone here in Lincoln, boycott COVID-19. We can bring an end to its spread. As long as everybody does what they would have been doing in January and February, we will all be okay.

©Joseph Lee

TJ Pittinger is a sophomore Theology major from Gilson, Illinois.

New horizons for Union’s nursing program

Dad Joke of the Week:

Taking holistic education to the next level

n an eyebrow-raising move to solidify its claim of superiority among the other Adventist colleges — albeit a claim that is not very contested — the School of Nursing at Union College has announced plans to implement medically-induced strokes as part of the curriculum for their level one students, for a “brains-on approach,” as program director Dr. Nicole Orian called it. “One of the many things that makes our [nursing] program so great is that we teach our students to view patients as real people, not just problems needing solutions. What better way to get our students to truly understand their patients than by having them immersed in the patient experience? This is an incredible opportunity.” explained Dr. Orian. So how exactly will this work? Students will have a medically-induced stroke on campus and go through the full experience of being stroke patients: ambulance ride, admission into Monsignore Rehabilitation Center, an overnight stay and being cared for by their classmates. When asked about funding for this rather expensive learning experience, Dr. Orian stated, “Well, the school cut back SA’s budget by 10%, and redistributed it to several departments and it’s actually been enough

to fund most of the program. Oh, and we’re raising tuition.” So far, reviews have been mixed. An anonymous staff member said, “IRR was already a liability, now nursing too?” Samuel Ortiz, level one nursing student, said, “I’m so stoked! Or should I say stroked … I’m so funny.” While Union College would be the first within the Adventist system to implement such a plan, it would actually be the second in the nation. Just last year, Southern Florida University came out with a similar program in which their nursing students were given cocaine under supervision to better understand the healthcare issues affecting that area. The program has since been dismantled. Will this new addition to the nursing program be something that can finally join the “100% NCLEX pass rate” boast or will it be a stroke of bad luck? Only time — and enrollment rates — will tell. After reaching out to SA for comments on the alleged budget cut, they made the following statement: “Don’t worry, we are still bringing expensive cars to banquets.”

Captivating Your Crush

How to atract your love interest

t can be hard catching the attention of the person you’ve been pining over all semester. You know, the one with the nice hair who sits three seats in front of you in Algebra class or the person you saw in the Dick Building elevator the other day. From stolen glances over your mask to learning their schedule so you can “accidentally” show up where they hang out, love is difficult to capture. Here are some tips on how to cement that relationship and drive your crush crazy. 1. Send them over the top messages, especially if they don’t know you exist. A well placed “Hey baby” or “Hey gorgeous” goes a long way. Especially when you haven’t actually met the person. Your crush definitely will not think you are creepy by sending these messages. 2. Wear extra cologne or perfume. How is your crush supposed to know you exist if they can’t smell you from a mile away? Don’t be shy. Douse yourself in your favorite scent and let them come to you. You’ll be lucky, though, if your crush is the only one attracted. I mean, have you ever seen an AXE commercial?

3. Bombard them with text messages professing your undying love for them. Yes, even if they don’t know you exist. Who doesn’t want to be told how much you love them? They will be flattered by the constant and incessant attention your love has warranted. Don’t forget to include details about your crush that you learned about online from their social media profiles. That’s not creepy at all. 4. Plan your wedding and name your future children. It ‘s never too soon to start planning for the future, even if your crush is adorably unaware. Start that Pinterest board with wedding details that you think both of you will like. Don’t forget to ask for their input. It’s their wedding too! Also start brainstorming baby names and parenting strategies. It’s never too soon to consider these things! Getting your crush to notice you takes a lot of work. Don’t forget that the more overbearing and attached you are, the more likely they are to decide that you are the one for them. Follow these expert tips to attract your crush and keep them by your side for the rest of your lives. Some may call it clingy, I call it an investment in your future. Kaitlynn Toay is a senior English major from Edgeley, North Dakota.

Hats off to you, 2020! A guide to creating the ultimate defense

ook, I didn’t want to believe it either, but it must be true. I mean, a pandemic shaking the world? Global warming? Government confirmed sightings of UFOs? There’s only one possible cause for such turmoil. Aliens. If they weren’t here before, they sure are now. We must protect ourselves! There’s only one object up to the task: the tinfoil hat. Please, carefully read and enact the directions below to save yourself from almost certain alien experimentation. 1) Measure your head. To be effective, your tinfoil hat absolutely must fit your head. Measure your head from the center of your forehead to the base of your skull. 2) Cut out your material. Double the measurement found in the first step and add an extra four inches (the frontal lobe needs an extra layer of protection). Measure that length out on a roll of brand-new premium tinfoil and cut it out. 3) Shape it to your head. Take the cut-out sheet of tinfoil and wrap it around your head, shiny side out. I cannot stress how important it is that the shiny side of the tinfoil faces away from your head! Smoosh the tinfoil onto your head until it fits properly. Secure seams with clear tape. 4) Create a chin strap. From the roll, cut out a 6-inch strip of tinfoil. Fold it in half vertically. Punch a hole next to each temple in the main portion of the helmet and loop the strap through the holes. Secure the strap with clear tape. 5) Decorate it (Optional). Read very carefully. You can only decorate your hat with tinfoil, and the shiny side must

always face out. It’s the only way for the hat to remain effective. However, it is an option to mold new pieces (such as a mohawk or a duck) and attach with clear tape. Aliens are the only explanation for 2020. We can’t go back to the way things were, but we can protect ourselves from further damage. All it takes is a roll of tinfoil and some creativity. And once you’re inside, you can slide your hat over your nose and mouth. You are now the proud owner of an alien proof face mask! Please do 2021 you a favor and save yourself from alien experimentation. Create and wear your tinfoil hat today!

Lacey Stecker is a sophomore Communication major from Noblesville, Indiana

The Mocktower email: cltower@gmail.com social media: @clocktower_uc

the official

UNION COLLEGE

newspaper

https://www.puzzles.ca/sudoku/

1 6 7

9 5 2 7 8 5 7 1

8 9 4 2 3

4 8

The Clocktower, established in 1927 and sponsored by the Associated Student Body of Union College, is published semi-weekly during the fall and spring semesters. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinion of the editors, Associated Student Body, Union College, or the Seventh-day Adventist Church.

The Clocktower encourages reader feedback and strives to maintain accuracy. If you have comments, please email us at cltower@gma ltower@gmaiil.com l.com.