THE
APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE
UNION COLLEGE
03/27/2019
MOCK TOWER WHAT’S INSIDE PAGE 04 CONSPIRACIES PAGE 08 SPOILERS PAGE 11 FAKE NEWS PAGE 15 BARELYADVENTIST PAGE 19 NEW SCHOOL BREAK PC: Kayla Potts
A NEW STORE ANYONE CAN LOVE
T
he Committee on Student Relationships recently announced the opening of a new on-campus store focused exclusively on wedding products. The establishment, which will be called “The Link,” will offer engagement rings, wedding dresses and honeymoon vacation packages among other things. The Committee, which is comprised of three alumni couples and the entire Advancement office, was formed five months ago to create “better harmony” between students. In a statement announcing the store’s opening, the Committee said, “Union is a place where everyone has a voice, and we
continuously strive to meet the desires of our student body. Since everybody knows people primarily go to Adventist colleges to get married, we opened this store.” The committee realizes couples have many options when it comes to making pre-wedding purchases, so to stay competitive they chose to stock items of special interest to Seventh-day Adventists. Honeymoon packages whisk newlyweds away to sites such as Battle Creek, MI or Oshkosh, WI. The potluck catering menu includes all-time favorites such as mashed potatoes, pasta salad, loaf #1, loaf #2, loaf #3, loaf #4, loaf #5 and loaf #6. Continued on page 2.
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SOME NONSENSE
CLOCKTOWER STAFF Boss Man Bing
Maegan Luckiesh
All-powerful Eye
Danica Eylenstein
MIcro Manager Jovan Cross
Spider Silk Retailer Cameron Cizek
Word Warriors Juliet Bromme Katie Turk Max Bromme
Light Benders Esther Pervis (Lead) Britni Conrad Kayla Potts Levi Ventura
Literary Producers
Gossip Girl: Hannah Armstrong Physical Thoughts: Cameron Cizek Best Distractions: Nicholas Morrison Craft Master: Alaysha Harris Two-footed Hoomans: Maegan Luckiesh C’est La Vie: Amanda McCarter Lena Wilkie Fake News: Maegan Luckiesh Only Facts: Ashley Bower Jonathan Deemer Spiritual Things: Kasondra Reel Pinball and Ping Pong: Tyler Dean
Always Online
Instagram - @clocktowerasb Twitter - @ClocktowerASB Facebook - The Clocktower
Spider Hub
clocktower.ucollege.edu
THE LINK
Continued from page 1.
For an extra fee, couples can even choose to have General Conference President, Ted Wilson, marry them in the lobby of the General Conference headquarters building! Students will be able to use their ID cards to make purchases by charging a new special account, which will be funded by an increase in tuition. The money will be non-refundable. However, if students graduate without finding a spouse, money allocated to The Link that will build up over their time in college will be used to buy them lifetime access to Adventist Singles. Because the campus has little under-utilized existing space, and to encourage proper conduct between engaged couples, the store will be housed in a new custom-built building to be constructed on center campus. The building will be made of all glass, security cameras will monitor blind spots in the isles, and the cutting-edge “anti-purpling couches” will shock couples if they sit too close together. “We don’t want any hanky-panky going on,” the statement explained. Construction will begin in August, after the 2019 wedding season has concluded. Juliet Bromme reveres her older brother and also didn’t write this article.
WHAT’S NEXT? Mar. 28 • National hug a chicken day. Mar. 29 • Worldwide eat a chicken day. Mar. 30 • Worldwide eat an apple day. Mar. 31 • Purple party day. April 1 • The great depression part II. April 2 • 5:30 - 6:30 Play-doh castle building contest at Ortner. April 3 • 9:30 Pineapple carving contest April 5 • 11 p.m. Riff off (location to be determined) April 8 • National all is ours day. April 11 • National selfie day
STUFF AND THINGS
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A SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR BEHIND THE SCENES STAFF: Assistant Editor
Section Editor
Rory Gilmore constantly in search of coffee.
Dwight Schrute nothing beets paper.
Photographer
Photographer
Colonel Sanders I just want some real chicken at this establishment.
Steve Rogers the most beautiful 100-year-old man out there; also hates Disney’s “Frozen.”
Photographer
Mascot
Ross Geller insistent that we were just “on a break”... wants to go back on said break.
Buddy Bear can’t stop starting dance parties.
THE NEWEST FROM E.G.W.
E
llen White’s writings have been the largest influence on the Seventh-day Adventist beliefs and practices secondary to the bible since the founding of the organization. Religious scholars study her literature constantly and they recently uncovered a new meaning to her words. This may come as a shock to some of you but “unequally yoked” applies to more than just whom you marry. For a truly balanced lifestyle, the General Conference has implemented a 29th fundamental belief that will knock your socks off. Here’s the official statement from the Church: “We believe in a balanced lifestyle. Finding the right life partner is not the only way God wants us to achieve that balance. We
should keep our attire in a balanced manner as well. For example, making sure your socks are matched helps bring you closer to Christ. Seventh-day Adventists should take the extra time to fold their socks with their matching partner. During the time it takes you to match your socks, you can reflect on how God has the perfect mate for you. Fabric blends should also reflect your relationship with God. Checking the tag to ensure your clothes have 100 percent cotton or a 50/50 blend is an easy way to take care of this.” Look at your friends and notice their socks. Are they walking steady with the Lord?
Gold Fish I smile back.
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NEED TO KNOW
UNION’S GREAT CONSPIRACY A great collection of art works recently visited the Denver Art Museum. Re scandal t van Rijn, as most would recognize, was the great dutch painter kno for his Union student iconic selfportraits and his famous painting the “The Night Watch.”
are full of chemicals that are bad f pineapple CIA people thing tahat coffee is bad for you or that caffiene is bad for you in general. I would argue that the sugar that is put local police found bad thing and sodas are obviously bad because thef good samaritan saved that are bad for your bwilly wohg
However, one of his great passions wasn’t painting, but printmaking. “Rembrandt: Painter as Printma hundreds of dollars an emphasis on the master’s gre There are many people who’re looking to better themselves; gyms are filled to capacity and health food stores ca
Coffee are so many words that you could write if you were going to write words but would they be in ap style that is really the question. So few people nkow what AP style is but they seem to think they can just write without knowing what no chill. I would really like to have a cup of coffee. I know I probably drink too much caffiene but hey here’s the thing I have a lot of time during October when I have to be awake and where I have to do things. Whe several news outlets se things I would really liek to have coffee because it tastes good and gives me the extra boost. Some people thing tahat coffee is bad for you or that caffiene is bad for you in general. I would argue that the sugar that is put into coffee is a bad thing and sodas are obviously bad because they are full of chemicals that are bad for your bodyweh whatwhat up. Some people thing tahat coffee is bad for you or that caffiene is bad for you in general. I would argue that the sugar that is put into coffee is a bad thing and sodas are obviously bad because they are full of chemicals that are bad for your body. t the sugar that is put into coffee is a bad thing and s obviously Some people thing tahat coffee is bad for you or that caffiene is bad for you in general. I would argue flashdrive the sugar that is put into coffee is a bad thing and entire campus are obviously bad because they
PC: Levi Ventura
Lemon jello soil thing ht coffee is bad for you or that caffiene is bad for you in general. I would argue that the su sweatpants put into coffee is a bad thing and sodas are obviously bad because t hey are full of chemicals that are bad for your body. Some people thing tahat most wanted for you or that caffiene is bad SomSosodas are obviously bad because they are full of chemicals that are bad for your body still a mystery. Lady Liberty the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
WHY YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SPEED UP E
ver since we were children, we’ve learned about stop signs, red lights and speed limits. We’ve been taught to follow signs because, well, if we didn’t, we’d probably end up in an accident and die. Stop signs and red lights make sense. If someone fails to stop, a car is likely to run into them. However, speed limits never made sense to me. Why should I drive 35 miles per hour when I could easily go 10 or 15 over? This question led me to research the subject, and I think you all could benefit from the results I found. I discovered that obeying the speed limit is like believing in Santa Claus. It’s a childhood myth. It’s not real. The reason we’re all taught to follow this absurd law is subject to debate. Some believe it’s because angels can only fly so fast and therefore we should drive slow enough for them to keep up. Others say a long time ago someone created speed limits as a joke, and they have stuck around ever since. Whatever the cause, speed limits have corrupted our society. Why should you ignore the speed limit? The first reason is that driving fast is somewhat like a roller coaster. You never know when you might hit a speed bump or railroad track or wild animal, and who doesn’t love a good bumpy
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PC: Levi Ventura
ride? The best part—this roller coaster is free! You can have a good time while saving money. The second reason is you’ll get speeding tickets. Although speeding tickets have gotten a bad rap in our society, they’re actually quite beneficial. They teach us humility and work ethic. You see when people have too much money, they become a bit self-absorbed and don’t think of others’ needs. With more speeding tickets, people won’t have this problem because speeding tickets will keep people from having too much money. Speeding tickets also teach work ethic, especially to those who fall into the broke category, like us college students. If you don’t have much money to begin with, adding a speeding ticket to all of your other expenses will teach you to work harder. Work ethic is something many people seem to lack, but speeding tickets might just be the answer. As you can see, speeding greatly benefits our society. Free roller coaster ride, humility and a better work ethic are just a few of the countless ways speeding improves our lives. So the next time you see a speed limit sign think, challenge accepted.
A Bored Scientist is Nascar hiring?
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THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT
HOW TO CATCH A SQUIRREL I know you’re probably asking yourself why you’d want to catch a squirrel, but why not? Every time you walk outside, you’re likely to see them running around Union. You might as well grab one and keep it as a pet—everyone needs a furry friend. You may be thinking this task seems difficult, but I assure you, it can be done. Here are 10 easy ways to catch a squirrel: 1. Go camouflage Luckily for you, camouflage print is in, so you should be able to easily find an outfit. Once you do, hide in the bushes. 2. Buy a trap You can purchase a squirrel trap on Amazon for as low as $16!
3. Wear a costume There are three options for this catching method. You can dress as a tree, dress as squirrel and attempt to blend in or dress as a giant acorn. Enough said. 4. Chase them down Just run and hope for the best. 5. Befriend a hawk This plan is genius. By befriending a hawk, you can have it do your dirty work for you. Make sure you build a stable enough relationship with the hawk to ensure it doesn’t keep the squirrel for itself. 6. Find a good hiding spot I recommend climbing a tree or hiding in a trash can if you’re up for the challenge. 7. Bribe them with food Squirrels will eat just about anything. Luring them in with food will make for an easy catch. 8. Leave your window open If you’re feeling lazy, this option is for you! Just leave your window open and one will most likely be waiting for you after class. 9. Build a treehouse While building a treehouse may seem like a lot of work, it’ll pay off because you can potentially make plenty of squirrel friends. With your new home, you can live amongst the squirrels and increase your chances of catching more than one. 10. Don’t use any of Alaysha’s ideas If all else fails and you feel this isn’t the best or safest idea, the campus store sells stuffed animal squirrels. Not as exciting, but no one will notice its not real, right? Hopefully by using at least one of the ten methods, you can catch a squirrel in no time. Best of luck to you as you attempt to capture and befriend a new furry friend.
PC: Kayla Potts
Sandy Cheeks catch me visitng the pineapple under the sea.
ALL THE ACTIVITIES
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SQUIRRELS AND YOU: FUN SPRINGTIME ACTIVITIES
U
nion College shares its campus with some amazing creatures—fluffy rabbits, mysterious owls—but what can compare to the majestic squirrel? These spectacular animals are an essential part of life at Union and we should do our best to befriend them. Here are several fun activities for you and your new squirrel friends. Make Friendship Bracelets: Everyone knows an essential part of a friendship is letting the whole world know about it. And what better way to do this than by making friendship bracelets? Grab some colorful beads and craft thread and let your imagination run wild. Although getting the bracelet onto the wrist of the squirrel may be difficult, the end result will definitely be worth it. Soon everyone on campus will know you and the squirrels are besties for life. Start Up a Postal Service: Lab partner not responding to your texts? Crush ignoring that love letter you poured your heart into? Try sending a squirrel instead! New studies have shown that people are less likely to ignore a message when it’s attached to a squirrel that’s chasing them. Simply write out your message, tie it around a squirrel’s tail, and let the squirrel know the name and address of the recipient. It’s a foolproof method of communication, so feel free to use it for all your document transportation needs, including turning in homework assignments and sending in job applications. Play Fetch: Sure, squirrels may not technically be dogs, but they do have four legs, eyes, a nose and a tail. They can also run and hold things in their mouths which suggests that they can play fetch. Grab some sticks or a frisbee and
PC: Levi Ventura
prepare for a fun afternoon outside. Although the squirrels may not initially understand why you’re throwing things and looking at them expectantly, they’ll get the hang of it eventually. Hopefully.
Infiltrate Their Ranks and Learn Their Secrets: The squirrel population around Union is growing at an alarming rate, and it’s not unreasonable to be concerned. Within the next few years it’s possible squirrels will outnumber students. The squirrels know this and they are planning something. Put together a realistic squirrel costume and gain the squirrels’ trust. Within 8 - 12 months they’ll accept you as one of their own. You can experience their way of life and learn their dark secrets so when war comes, you’ll be ready. Hugh Man definitely not an alien inhabiting a human body to learn Earth’s secrets.
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VIEW MASTER
SORRY, NOT SORRY NICFLIX
I
’ve had to try so hard not to include spoilers in my articles this entire year and I’m sick of it. I decided to quickly review some of the more popular movies in theaters right now. Don’t worry though, no spoilers ahead. “Captain Marvel:” Through the movie we get to know a younger, more fun side of Nick Fury, but in an end credit scene we see him out in the middle of a desolate field shoveling dirt into a shallow pit. The camera pans in slowly, pushing past Fury to reveal a DEAD Nick Fury in the grave as words go across the screen: “The Invasion Begins.” Side Theory: How crazy would it be if everyone on earth was a skrull but they’ve been at it so long they just assume everyone else is human so earth is just a planet of skrulls pretending to be human but there are no humans left … “Shazam:” The entity that is “Shazam” turns out to be an evil Wizard constantly looking for younger hosts to transfer his consciousness into so he can continue to live forever, ending the lives of children for centuries—all for his selfish quest for immortality. “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World:” Grimmel the Grisly turns out to be Hiccup’s long-lost uncle on his mother’s side, but in an effort to protect the dragons and everything she loves, Hiccup’s mom, Valka, has to kill her younger brother in a heart-wrenching and epic scene.
PC: Kayla Potts
“Five Feet Apart:” I’m sure a lot of you have seen trailers for this movie and are expecting some sweet, heart-warming love story of two sick and dying teenagers like “The Fault In Our Stars.” You’re dead wrong—HA, puns. Cole Sprouse turns out to be gay and, devastated by the fact she’ll never be with the guy she loves, Haley Lu Richardson sacrifices her spot on the donors list to let him live, ultimately leading to her death. SHOCKING TWIST: his body rejects the transplant and he passes away weeks later. “Isn’t It Romantic:” You see Liam Hemsworth’s butt. (Check the mirror reflection.) “The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part:” We all know Chris Pratt plays multiple characters in this lego film—including raptor trainer Owen from “Jurassic World”— but what you DON’T know is that his most beloved character, Andy Dwyer, makes an appearance! Keep an eye out for a little April and Andy cameo in the film. “Alita: Battle Angel:” The dog saves the day! -Your Slightly-Salty Neighborhood Movie Guy
P.S. How many of you actually googled to see if Hemsworth’s butt was in “Isn’t It Romantic?” Jean Ralphio turns that frizown upsidizity.
ARTSY FARTSY
MEME
CRITIQUE
MEMENTO ARTEM
T
o meme or not to meme? That is the question. Memes have become increasingly more influential on modern society. They challenge our perceptions of reality and fundamentally enrich our daily lives. Like art, memes must be reviewed, allowing us to better reflect on what they offer the world. In this article, I take a look at some memes and critique them. So let’s get into it.
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“No one:” This meme format finds its origins on Twitter. People have posted situations that mock others or grab attention. Additionally, they may involve an unsolicited act. The one pictured explores the weird world of California graffiti. What else to represent the Golden State like vandalism promoting a healthy dip.
Vines During its prime, Vine provided hours of enjoyment and hosted viral content that has created lasting impact upon internet culture. Although the app was shutdown in January 2017, many vines still have maintained their popularity and continue to make cultural waves. While it would be difficult to critique the insane amount of popular vines, I’ll critique an all time classic. “‘Bwah!’ ‘Ah! Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant!’” A man is scared while carrying a croissant on a plate. However, he quickly recovers and manages to keep the french pastry from falling. This vine perfectly demonstrates the resilience of mankind in the face of danger. Also, it shows nothing can get between a man and his croissant.
PC: u/rames1208 on Reddit
“Forbidden Foods” Let’s take a trip to the Forbidden Snacks subreddit. This subreddit plays on the concept of pareidolia or the tendency to find a meaning in something that is relatively neutral in nature. Here we find things like cleaning products that look like juice or minerals that look like cookies. The example pictured shows a delicious example of a “forbidden s’mores” which is actually a sample of the mineral neptunite. These memes are brilliant. Not only do they play off of the fundamental human concept of pareidolia, but they take it further and make an ongoing community effort to find tasty “forbidden snacks.” A simply scrumptious idea. (P.S. Don’t try to eat inedible things.) We’ve reached the end of our journey, my friends. Now that you’ve been Phil’d in, I hope you had a great time critiquing memes with me and see how diverse they can be and how, even in their strangeness, have long reaching implications on internet culture. ‘Til next time!
PC: @alishamechalke on Twitter
Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t paint the Mona Lisa and is extremely bitter the other Leonardo gets all the attention.
10 | MEH
THUMBS UP/THUMBS DOWN “Union painting the Clocktower a bright yellow.” —Hue Lemon
“Someone keeps changing out my donuts for bagels. I just want a donut!” —Homer Simpson
“To Union adding a summer semester that’s three months long.” —Bernie Meout
“Cooper’s bringin back their food delivery service.” —Hungry Hippo
“To Union developing a second campus in Denver Co.” —Kay Petal
“Union’s new on campus animal shelter. Yay puppies!” —Harry Baby
“To Union starting an organic weaving major.” —Brad Sket
“To Union’s new dating show Union United.” — Chris Harrison
“To the squirrel rally.” —Bob Barker
“To the Canadian invasion.” —Justin Trudeau
“Lincoln building a second even bigger Scheels!” —Bear Grylls
“The cafe finally serving meat.” —Colonel Sanders
“A squirrel becoming the official mascot for Union.” —Hammy S. Quirrel
“The Nebraska sugar ban. How am I supposed to get my fix?!” —Shu Garhi
“Giraffes. Like we get it. You’re tall. You don’t have to rub it in.” —Tyrion Lannister
“When you make slime and it turns out perfectly the first time.” —Nic Kelodeon
“Some people say they have a skeleton in their closet. Well, I actually do. His name is Frank and he knows how to make a killer grilled cheese. ” —Marshall Mathers
“All they play at the gym now is Jonas Brothers.” —Justin Bieber
CANADA EH
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TERRIBLE NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH T
he United States is officially at war again. Technically, the Korean War is still ongoing, and even though past presidents haven’t received the Congressional approval required for the military action taken over the course of the War on Terror, we’re now faced with the most formalized and significant armed conflict in the past 50 years. Early Monday morning, Canadian tanks rolled across the frozen tundra of America’s northern border, crossing into northern Minnesota, North Dakota and Montana. After establishing a defensive perimeter, Canadian forces have slowly and methodically worked their way south across the midwestern plains while U.S. forces have solidified their positions around major population centers on the coasts. Presumably, the strategy for Canadian forces is to occupy the rural areas of the United States from the onset. In doing so, they anticipate facing the least amount of resistance while cutting off the rest of the United States from its agricultural sector, a siege of sorts. The U.S. response has been delayed but forceful. Washington has flown several sorties against Ottawa and various Canadian military installations in the past few days with varying amounts of success. Unfortunately for the United States, much of Canadian military equipment is American made and of equal quality to U.S. warfighting technology. In the first few days, neither side
has demonstrated a considerable competitive edge against the other. To say the United States—and the world at large—was taken by surprise by the Canadian invasion is an understatement. Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, commented on the action, saying, “We just felt that Canada hasn’t gotten the respect it deserves recently, and we really resent the stereotypical caricature of the peaceful, polite and docile Canadian. We’re dangerous too, okay?” But analysts suspect there might be a deeper motive behind the surprise attack. For years, the Canadian government has kept secret the knowledge of its dwindling maple syrup reserves. No other commodity is as necessary to the stability of the nation as the liquid gold, and Ottawa rightly fears a popular uprising if it can’t provide for its citizens. It’s no coincidence that the U.S. states occupied by the Canadians have some of the highest counts of maple trees in North America. As of last night, Canadian forces had just crossed the North Dakota/South Dakota border. They’re unlikely to reach northern Nebraska sooner than the end of the week, but it’s time for us to start evacuating. Thus far Canadian forces have committed a number of atrocities, drawing the attention of the UN’s Human Rights Council—you won’t want to be around when they get here. PC: funnyjunk.com
Jon Snow I warned you Nebraska.
12 | ARE WE HUMANS?
HOUC Humans of Union College
“H
ey, what’s up? My name is Simmon I work full time in the nursing division. I spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of life. When I’m not thinking I’m interacting with students and I’m great in stressful situations. I’ve had a lot of health trouble but those nursing students usually have a handle on it and seem to know how to help.
HOUC is compiled by Margan and Aleecha PC: John Luckiesh
Height: probably at least 6 foot Age: 22 Smoker: Never
Location: Lincoln, Neb. (Union’s Nursing Department) Eye Color: Insane Blue Hair Color: Cheddar Complection: Flawless
If you ever want to get together and bring me a coffee I would love to talk to you about the meaning of life.
Simmon says he likes to lay around.
ADVENTIST ADJECTIVES T
he General Conference has come to the realization that many of the youth in the church are struggling to find appropriate ways to verbally express themselves. Thus, the conference has released a list of acceptable words for when we’re upset for us to teach our next generation. •
Crumb muffin
•
Jumping Jelly beans
•
Kall Ba Ka
•
Fishsticks
•
Cornucopia
•
Son of a nutcracker
•
Smack smugal
•
Morphin Moses
•
Monkey Muttin
•
DeFur
With these new ways for the youth of the church to express themselves, they can be sure to stay in the faith. Edour Laytoit around my neck this item does go and the with the opposite of in my editing has no foe, who am I?
RUNNING AROUND AND THROWING THINGS
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A SPORTS UPDATE
YOU HEARD IT HERE LAST
“Amidst the start of new intramurals comes renewed optimism, and this years’ soccer and hockey seasons are no different. Those close to the leagues expect three, maybe four teams to come out of their respective drafts. This will no doubt lead to an ultra-competitive playoff race in each sport.” “Saturday night’s dodgeball proceedings were a huge success, with ADRA (The Adventist Dodgeball Review Association) saying they loved the enforcement (or lack of) on many of the more obscure rules.”
ad
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Co
“Finally, amidst the massive success of the first bouldering cave, Union administration has put in the works a plan to build a second cave at the far end of the cafe where they traditionally sit preview days students and, donors willing, a third cave in Cooper’s Corner; don’t worry, the cave would only replace two walls, so Cooper’s would still sell some snacks.” ni
“The highly competitive basketball intramurals season has finally finished with the grown adults defeating the older grown adults in the championship game. No undergraduate college student teams could make it past these juggernauts in the playoffs, despite their natural levels of higher physical fitness.”
“In other news, the long-running Bromme sibling ping pong series has taken yet another turn. After winning nine of the last 10 games, Juliet now leads the series by just two games, 13,475 to 13,473. Max will have to shake out of this slump if he wants to remain competitive heading into the summer season.” rit
“Now from the midwest, the Union College Warriors basketball teams continued their hot streaks to end the season, extending their record 24 (men’s) and 164 (women’s) games without losing by more than 100.”
“Shifting gears, the Warriors’ golf season i s u p o n u s a n d m a n y e x p e c t b i g t h i n g s o u t of this team. Of course, by big things, I’m talking about large numbers posted on scorecards, massive numbers of lost balls and big-time excuses from the team’s top golfers.”
:B
he following is an excerpt from last night’s ESBN (Ellen’s Sports and Bicycle Network) News broadcast. It’s not to be retransmitted, reproduced, rebroadcast or otherwise distributed or used in any form without the express written consent of the NAD.
PC
T
“Now for the Not Top Plays of the week. This week’s plays include a student who tried to throw a snowball at a friend and instead hit their teacher, as well as an intramurals player who yelled ‘are you blind?’ at a ref for a whole game only to find out that the ref was indeed blind.” Lavar Ball father, trainer and agent of the three GREATEST basketball players of all time.
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GOSSIP
PC: Kayla Potts
uDATE: UNION COLLEGE’S DATING APP
U
nion College is instituting a new dating app for Union students. Union’s administration has been developing this app for the past year to replace the Peanut Gallery (PG.) “We’ve been looking for a more dating-focused, online friendly version of the Peanut Gallery and decided to create an app which has the same feel as the printed PG with better results” said Vickie McBride head of Union relations. Using a complex algorithm, uDate will match people using information from a questionnaire that all participating students will be required to fill out after downloading the app. When a participant’s phone is within 5 feet of another single Unionite who meets that participant’s criteria, the phone will send a notification. Because this could pose a problem during those busy café rushes, there’ll be a way to turn this setting off or activate it according to one’s schedule. The app will also have a premium feature which will be available to those who’ve completed their worship requirements the previous semester. This feature will allow students to see other member’s full profiles
and will include personalized, appropriate date options. “This app will eliminate all of those embarrassing moments when you ask someone out on a date only to realize they already have a boyfriend,” commented senior music major Hector Crane. For those who’ve already found that special someone, IMC will be working on a second app called uSocial which will help married people find friends. This app will also include a link to the advice section of uDate, where married individuals can explain to their single friends the best ways to get that ring. “College administration is concerned about the high percentage of Union students who are graduating unmarried”, explained McBride. To help build up a membership, administration is giving every Union student who signs up for the uDate app during the week after it goes live a gift card to The Mill for a small black decaf coffee. The uDate app will be available through a link on uGroups and through the app store by fall semester 2019.
Yoda shocked I am ... that log had a child!
NEWS FLASH
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BARELYADVENTIST BECOMES A WEEKLY NEWSLETTER HARDLY WORTHY
T
he Barelyadventist (BA) blog has been around since Noah’s flood and is finally receiving official recognition by the office of the General Conference (GC). Since the invention of the internet, the BA site has been known for posting satirical articles and is often perused by most anyone who uses the internet. They’re known for their satirical articles and comical approach to everyday “struggles” of the modern Adventist. They often mock “Adventist-y” things like obsession with tofu and yeast flakes, how every Southern Adventist University student gets engaged before graduation and how every young Adventist girl has switched her degree to nursing. For the past couple of years, the GC has been going back and forth on their decision to officially endorse the Barelyadventist news page, due to the relevancy of the news. Through much prayer and consideration during the annual meetings, they’ve determined that we have many options for every part of the church: preschoolers have Our Little Friend, school
age children have the Primary Treasure, young adults have Guide and Young Disciple and the adults have the quarterly study guide, but one group is left out—the sarcastic. A part of a North Eastern conference, Seventh-day Adventist church elder Lef Tout told us how he felt about the news. “I just can’t believe this day is finally here. I mean, I’ve been following the page since day one and to know they’re finally supported by the church means the world to me. I feel like I have something I can relate to.” Churches around the world have jumped at the new opportunity and over 150 small groups have been formed to study the pages of Barelyadventist. “The news is just so relevant to today’s world. We feel like we have so much ground to cover and have so much to learn from the depth and the hidden meanings within the pages.” says small group leader Reed Iculous. The head editor of an Adventist publishing house has also disclosed, “We are definitely looking forward to having another column within our magazines and other prints. We look forward to an increase in readership.” As the Barelyadventist team transitions into its new role, they’ll also be transitioning to the GC office where an space has been cleared out specially for the BA team. Jus Keding stated, “We’re so excited to be moving forward to this new opportunity and can’t wait to see the Barelyadventist in print!” Barelyadventist will be a great addition to Sabbath mornings and will surely become a favorite.
PC: Britni Conrad
Don Jockson is a freelance writer who has a fabulous desk and an even better story about the Coprolite at the end of it.
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MISCHIEF
#HALT THEHOOLIGANS A
fter spring break, I heard the surmounting complaints about Lincoln’s potholes. Somehow, the already sizeable dips became huge craters in the one week we were gone. Everyone is noticing the potholes and wishing for relief. When your city’s in need of reparations, a good person to call should be the mayor. Or as Trevor Pike, sophomore business major, suggested, “We should call Domino’s right away.” I decided to see what the mayor had to say about the potholes and what he’s doing about them. When I called his office, I was told to call back due to the influx of concerned citizens inquiring about the same issue. This made me uneasy because I needed answers to the pothole situation.
The next day, Mayor Chris Beutler gave his official statement. “Potholes are more than an inconvenience; they can be costly and dangerous,” Beutler said. “Yet our citizens need to know creating potholes is dangerous for everyone involved. Until Nebraskans stop digging holes in our roads, I won’t fix them. I myself have seen teenage hooligans with their jackhammers and shovels, and I won’t stand for it.” Kayla Potts, senior psychology major, told me about her own “hooligan” encounter. “I just last night heard the sound of shovels hitting the pavement outside my window and saw a figure clothed in black. I rushed to bang on my window and they fled the scene.” One student heard the mayor’s words and decided he couldn’t wait around for justice, instead he made his own task force team. Michael Scarn created Scott’s Tots to search for vigilantes. When I spoke with him, he said Scott’s Tots main job is to, “bring the hooligans to justice, like Batman does.” Scarn works with a sidekick, Woodpecker, to complete this task. I asked him what a daily shift was like in Scott’s Tots. “I work hard all night every night trying to catch these vagrants. I will not rest until we catch these hooligans and I don’t care what people think of me. I’m doing this for their benefit, so if they feel threatened by my awe-inspiring presence, they can channel it into love. At the end of the day, I just want them to be afraid of how much they love me. I’m doing this for them after all.” His go-get-it attitude inspired me to be on the lookout for these hooligans too. If you see a hooligan on the streets, call Scott’s Tots right away and Scarn will be there to catch them and bring them the justice they deserve. #HaltTheHooligans
PC: Kayla Potts
Jim Halpert stares into camera after Dwight says “Nothing beets paper.”
TOM FOOLERY
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UNION UNITED The Dating Show For Union by Union
Who will be the first Union United couple? Don’t miss a second September 31, 2019 PC: Kayla Potts
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18 | Y’ALL’S ANNOYING QUESTIONS
WIFEY, COLD BREW AND TAXES HEY HANNAH
H
ey Hannah,
Hey Hannah,
Do I have to file taxes?
—Martha Stewart Hello Martha Stewart,
How do I find the best summer job? —Broke College Student Hey Broke College Student,
Definitely not, because you save so much money when you don’t. There are so many people in this world so they won’t ever catch you. The government has more important things to worry about. You’ll totally get away with it.
Craigslist is the best place to find a job. You’ll find strange jobs that will really keep you on your toes. If this doesn’t work for you, go door to door and beg people to give you a job. If you work for little or no money, people will basically let you do whatever you want.
Hey Hannah, My grandma says I can’t wear ripped jeans. Should I do it anyway?
Hey Hannah,
—Angsty Teen
How do I get my man to propose? —Wifey Hey Wifey,
What’s up Angsty Teen, Put holes in all your clothes to show her what real fashion looks like. In fact, you should put holes in all of her jeans. Maybe it’ll open her eyes!
If you want your guy to get serious and propose to you, make sure to remind him you’re wifey material every second of the day. DM all his friends to ask them to pressure him into doing it. Men don’t know what they want, so you have to make this decision for him. You can also announce your engagement on social media so he won’t be able to back out without looking like a total jerk. Send him your Pinterest wedding board. One look at that board and he’ll be begging you to marry him. Hey Hannah, How do I stop drinking coffee? —Cold Brew Greetings Cold Brew, Drink coffee until you wind up in a coffee coma. When you wake up, you won’t even want to look at coffee again, let alone drink it.
PC: Levi Ventura
Captain Crunch definitely didn’t finish this article until 30 seconds before the deadline.
THEY REALLY DO CARE
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PC: Kayla Potts
NATIONAL ALL IS OURS DAY U nion College administration has moved to institute a new holiday, National All Is Ours Day, between spring break and graduation so students can have the much-needed break from school during the longest stretch of consecutive school days of the year. Every year, students bemoan the weeks following spring break, dreading facing the rest of the semester with no breaks for relief. National All Is Ours Day is celebrated every year on April 8. The holiday is meant to be a time for people to appreciate the beauty of nature and reflect on the blessings of life. “Essentially, it’s a one-day Thanksgiving,” says April Summers, director of undergraduate relations. Summers believes celebrating this holiday will boost student morale and better prepare them for finals. “We in the administration believe the mental health of our students is to be our top priority,” Summers says. “This holiday may make the transition from classes to finals a little smoother.” To celebrate this holiday, students are urged to dress in bright colors to symbolize their enthusiasm for life and appreciation of nature. They are also encouraged to spend time outside soaking up the sun. Many clubs
are planning trips to embrace the new holiday and celebrate it to its fullest extent. Those staying on campus during the long weekend won’t miss out on the fun. With the help of several surrounding churches, ASB will be hosting a school-wide picnic on the quad for the special occasion. Students can expect lawn games, homemade food and a good time. A reflection service will follow the meal. During this service, students will have the opportunity to share what they are grateful for, write notes to loved ones, meditate with others and enjoy the peace of a spring evening with friends. Students are excitedly supporting the new holiday, grateful to have something break up the daunting second half of the semester. “I’m relieved to have this chance to take a break,” says Mae Schun, a sophomore studying organic weaving. “I was worried I wasn’t going to make it through the rest of the semester. After a long winter with little time outside, we all need a chance to sit in the sun and reflect.” The first celebration of National All Is Ours Day will be on April 8, 2019. Union hopes this new holiday will start a tradition of thankfulness and a celebration of nature for years to come. Gwen Stacy prone to sticky situations.
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BALDERDASH
ANTICS APRILFOOLS BALDERDASH BAMBOOZLED BLATHER FAKE GIBBERISH GOINGROGUE GOTCHA HAH HIGHJINKS HOGWASH JEST JOKES JOKESTER LOL
MALARKEY MISCHIEF MOCKTOWER MONKEYBUSINESS PLAYFULNESS POPPYCOCK PRANKS PSYCH RASCAL RIDICULOUS SHAM SHENANIGANS SQUIRREL TOMFOOLERY TRICKS
DISCLAIMER This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are ficticious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!
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SUDOKU
The Clocktower encourages reader feedback and strives to maintain accuracy. If you have comments, please email us at cltower@gmail. com. The Clocktower, established in 1927 and sponsored by the Associated Student Body of Union College, is published semi-weekly during the fall and spring semesters. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinion of the editors, Associated Student Body, Union College, or the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
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DID YOU KNOW
https://www.puzzles.ca/sudoku_puzzles/sudoku_easy_493.html