THE
APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE
UNION COLLEGE
03/27/2019
MOCK TOWER WHAT’S INSIDE PAGE 04 CONSPIRACIES PAGE 08 SPOILERS PAGE 11 FAKE NEWS PAGE 15 BARELYADVENTIST PAGE 19 NEW SCHOOL BREAK PC: Kayla Potts
A NEW STORE ANYONE CAN LOVE
T
he Committee on Student Relationships recently announced the opening of a new on-campus store focused exclusively on wedding products. The establishment, which will be called “The Link,” will offer engagement rings, wedding dresses and honeymoon vacation packages among other things. The Committee, which is comprised of three alumni couples and the entire Advancement office, was formed five months ago to create “better harmony” between students. In a statement announcing the store’s opening, the Committee said, “Union is a place where everyone has a voice, and we
continuously strive to meet the desires of our student body. Since everybody knows people primarily go to Adventist colleges to get married, we opened this store.” The committee realizes couples have many options when it comes to making pre-wedding purchases, so to stay competitive they chose to stock items of special interest to Seventh-day Adventists. Honeymoon packages whisk newlyweds away to sites such as Battle Creek, MI or Oshkosh, WI. The potluck catering menu includes all-time favorites such as mashed potatoes, pasta salad, loaf #1, loaf #2, loaf #3, loaf #4, loaf #5 and loaf #6. Continued on page 2.