Lost in Translation by Christine Moore-Bonbright Published by Fort Collins Book Publishers www.FortCollinsBookPublishers.com © Christine Moore-Bonbright
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright restricted above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book. 1st Edition, 2022 ISBN: 123-4-56789-01-2 Designed & Edited by: Christine Moore-Bonbright Also available as an eBook from www.ChristineMBDesign.com and from major eBook vendors. Fort Collins Book Publishers 123 Street Place Fort Collins, CO 80521
To my birth mother, who gave me life, and to my MOTHER, who made me the person I am today.
I’ve always felt like an outsider.
You see, I was born in China. But I was adopted at the age of one and moved to America.
I’ve always known I was adopted. And I grew up having little exposure to Chinese culture.
Which, I admit, was partially my fault because I had harshly rejected it when my parents encouraged me to embrace it.
Why did I reject my heritage? Well, just like every kid, I wanted to fit in with my peers.
But it’s difficult to fit in when you grow up in a mostly white neighborhood and attend a mostly white school.
And it’s more difficult to fit in when your parents look nothing like you. And when they’re old enough to be your peers’ grandparents.
And it’s even more difficult when you’re facing microaggressions, racism, and assumptions that you must be a “China expert”.
I’ve always felt stuck in the middle. Too “Asian” to be white...
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond ...Yet too “white” to be Asian. It’s fortunate to have a second as if I am perpetually stuck in chance at life and an amazing state of in-between-ness. family.
Don’t Don’t get get me wrong, me wrong, I amIbeyond am fortunate beyond fortunate to have to a second have a chance secondat chance life and at life an amazing and an amazing family. family.
Don’t But get there’s me wrong, always I am been beyond a yearning fortunate to belong to have within a second me. I didn’t chance want at life to be and in-between. an amazingI wanted to befamily. one or the other.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond To ease my discomfort in the infortunate to have a second between, I desperately searched chance at life and an amazing for ways to define my identity. family.
Don’t The perfect get me wrong, (or so II am thought) beyond opportunity fortunate toto have “find a second myself” came chance to at melife in 2017: and an An adoptee amazing family heritage family. tour of China.
So off I went, on a grueling thirteen hour flight to China, with hopes that I could find “belonging” in my homeland.
I power-walked off the plane in Beijing, ready to be embraced with open arms by the country I’d been waiting to experience for sixteen years.
Fantasies played in my head of me arriving like a mini-celebrity, with the locals helping me connect back to my roots.
Just a few steps revealed a different reality though. Instead of being welcomed with warm smiles, I was met with confused stares at the gate.
Though a bit shaken, I understood their confusion - I was, after all, standing with my Caucasian mother. Surely when I venture off alone, I’ll blend in - I thought.
My sister and I walked into an airport convenience store. But when we checked out, the cashier spoke to us in Mandarin.
Sheepishly, I had to ask the cashier if she could speak to us in English.
She looked at us weirdly and silently checked us out. I heard her whisper to her co-worker about us as we walked away.
I Was absolutely humiliated. My short-lived fantasy dissipated within a minute.
Don’t But that get was me wrong, only the I am first beyond of many fortunate instances toon have thea trip second where chance I was met at life with and confusion an amazing and almost exhibit-like family. amusement.
Per the tour rules, we were required to wear our name tags everywhere. Sometimes, the locals would approach us and attempt to Read our English names.
And Don’t onget many me occasions, wrong, I am my beyond mother whould fortunate have to translate have a second things chance for me,atas life sheand was anlearning amazing Mandarin family. at the time.
This of course impressed the locals. But there was always a hint of disappointment when they asked me if I knew any Mandarin and I said no. I felt like a fake.
But the most humiliating incident happened when we went to the Forbidden City.
As usual, the quizzical stares from the locals followed us as our group walked through the ancient site.
But soon after, a group of locals surrounded our group, taking pictures, filming, and talking about us.
Instead of a tour of my homeland, it felt more like being in a circus or a menagerie for all of China to see. It was as if the Chinese people were the tourists, rather than myself.
The culmination of all of these situations reminded me again and again of my core identity crisis: Am I Chinese? Am I American?
What am I?
I had desperately hoped, despite my lack of Mandarin and cultural knowledge, that I’d at least “pass” as a native in China. But this trip gave me the “wake-up” slap of a lifetime.
How on earth could I - who had no connections to China, only spoke English, and was only immersed in white America for my entire life - fit in a culture so drastically different from mine? I was in denial of a reality that I had truly known all along.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond However, the China trip wasn’t fortunate to have a second all angst-filled. I had a once-inchance at life and an amazing a-lifetime opportunity to visit family. my homeland - something that many adoptees won’t get to experience.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond And I got to see the many fortunate to have a second beauties and wonders of China chance at life and an amazing and Chinese culture. family.
But above all, I was surrounded by fellow Chinese adoptees who felt the exact same way as I did on the trip.
Throughout the trip, we talked about our experiences and we validated each others’ struggles. In the same trip where I felt discomfort and confusion, I was surrounded by an incredible amount of love and support.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond I continue to live in the gray fortunate to have a second zone, neither able to identify as chance at life and an amazing fully American nor Chinese. family.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond And fortunate I am stillto onhave the asearch second for answers chanceabout at life myself and anto amazing this day. family.
But I no longer consider the gray zone to be a place of shame, confusion, and isolation.
Don’t get when me wrong, I am beyond Because you find fellow fortunate to have second in-between-ers who a understand chance at life and an feelings, amazing your experiences and family. the gray zone becomes far less lonely...
...Perhaps a place of true belonging.
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