Co-ZINE June 2017

African elephants are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

Letter from the Editor

Hello again, dear readers, and happy pride month! We are really proud of this issue - not just because it’s so long, either.

It is wonderful to see the best of Co-ZINE compiled here. This magazine is a perfect example of the good results that sprout from a coming together. Let me be completely truthful: putting this together was hard work, but we also had the good fortune of welcoming an editing intern on to our team this month! Her name is Sarah and she’s full of good ideas. You can read about her near the end of the zine. Of course, it will continue to be hard work.

Let us keep coming together and move forward proudly! As always, you can reach me at contact.cozine@gmail.com.

Andrea Becker, editor in chief

June 2017| Co-ZINE

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Welcome to Pride Month in Co-ZINE! We are proud to announce the Best of Co-ZINE... as well as some great new reads! Turn the page to discover what’s inside...

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Bottlenose dolphins are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

KEY

June Events

“Freedom to Grow” by Andie Donnan

Iowa Legal Aid

“Simply Yoga” by Varoon Singal

LGBTQ+ Health Resources

“Let’s Talk about STDs and STIs”

MAT Provider: Mercy Turning Point

“Suicide Prevention” by Anonymous

REAL BOY Movie Review

A Letter from One Iowa’s D. Hoffmann-Zinnel

“I chose to be sea” by Sergio Oritz

“PUBLICITY!” by Edwin Betancourt

“Is God Responsible for Everything?”

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6 10 19 22 28 32 36 38 42 46 49 53 62

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LGBTQ+ Books 76

“Learning to say ‘Forget it’ to Passing” 82

STONEWALL KNIGHTS by Mx. J. Vigants 90

In the Kitchen with Life’s a Feast 98

Art: “10 Again” by Drew Foronda 114

Shattering Taboos at Noty Kity 118

Photography by Seth Godwin 128

“Pride Cometh Before the Fall” 152

“Phillip & Vee” by Jeremy Stough 139

SCYLLA KONE 146

“D&D Therapy” by Luke Vorwald 152

Alo and the Narcissist: Album Review 159 Zodiac 160

Meet Sarah, our new editor!

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OPPRESSED JUICE by Juicebox

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Headquarters Community Productions 299 Main Street #44, Dubuque, IA 52001 Co-ZINE is a monthly, online publication. Links to this publication are found at www.codbq.org/cozine, but Co-ZINE is not an affiliate of Co Dubuque. The view represented in Co-ZINE are strictly those of their authors and do not represent the views of Co-ZINE or Co Dubuque staff members or volunteers. Advertisements involving products or services are not investigated

by Co-ZINE and Co-ZINE does not claim responsibility for these products or services. © 2017 Community Productions

Call for Writers and Artists

Editor in Chief Andrea Becker

We consider submissions from members of the LGBTQ+ community and allies.

Editing Intern Sarah Mueller Layout and Design Alina Crow

Articles • Personal Experiences • Opinion Pieces • Photography/Art • Journalism • …and more!

Owner Luis Morteo

Submit to contact.cozine@gmail.com

Everything Else Cindy Lewis Contact Co-ZINE contact.cozine@gmail.com

Notification Applicants will be notified by the 25th of the month.

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EVENTS Ames

PFLAG Monthly Meeting Every 2nd Tuesday of the month at 7:00 p.m.

Youth and Shelter Services building, 420 Kellogg Ave, Ames IA

Cedar Rapids

PFLAG Monthly Meeting Thu, June 8th, 7pm – 9pm Grant Wood Area Education 4401 6th St SW, Cedar Rapids, IA 52404, United States Belle’s Basix Drag Show Every Friday and Saturday $5 @ the door, starts 9 p.m.

3916 1st Ave NE Cedar Rapids, IA 52402 (319) 363-3194 The Bully Plays Theatre Cedar Rapids June 2nd to the 17th $21 - $30 102 3rd Street SE Cedar Rapids, 52401 United

Des Moines

Meetings for Parents of Gender-Creative Kids Children’s Library at Plymouth Church 3rd Wednesday of the month, 6 p.m.

4126 Ingersoll Ave, Des Moines, IA 50312

Capitol City Pride June 9th to the 11th The annual Pride Festival celebration Various events around Des Moines, IA Des Moines Diversity Chorus Welcomes New Singers Westminster Presbyterian Church Monday evenings, 7:00 – 8:30 p.m.

4114 Allison Ave, Des Moines, IA First Friday Breakfast Club Hoyt Sherman Place 1st Friday of every month, 7:00 a.m.

1501 Woodland Ave, Des Moines, IA

Des Moines Vet Center LGBTQ Support Group 2nd Monday of every month The Des Moines Vet Center 1821 22nd Street #115 West Des Moines, 50266 LGBTQIA Sexual Assault Support Group 1st and 3rd Wednesdays 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month 7:00 p.m.

3030 Merle Hay Rd, 50310

Mallards are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

Events by Co Dubuque

CO DUBUQUE EVENTS

CONCERT FOR REFUGEE CHILDREN Sunday, June 4, 2017 3:00pm 7:00pm The Smokestack CO-MMUNITY DUBUQUE GAME NIGHT! Thursday, June 8, 2017 6:00pm 8:00pm The Smokestack PECHAKUCHA NIGHT DUBUQUE, VOL.9 Thursday, June 8, 2017 7:00pm 9:30pm Dubuque Museum of Art DIVAS AFTER DARK: PRIDE WEEK Saturday, June 10, 2017 9:30pm 10:30pm Rock Bottom DUBUQUE PRIDE 2017 PICNIC! Sunday, June 11, 2017 12:00pm 6:00pm Flora Park

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IOWA CITY PRIDE FESTIVAL 2017 Saturday, June 17, 2017 12:00pm 5:30pm Iowa City, Iowa

MINERAL POINT, WI PRIDE CELEBRATION! Sat, Jun 24, 2017 5:00pm to Sun, Jun 25, 2017 1:30am Tequila Point

MISSISSIPPI BEACH PARTY ILLUSIONS MIDWEST DRAG SHOW! Saturday, June 17, 2017 10:00pm 11:00pm The Smokestack

MOVIES AT THE MUSEUM - NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM Friday, June 30, 2017 6:30pm 9:30pm Dubuque Museum of Art

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Freedom to Grow 12 Co-ZINE | www.cozinemagazine.com

Andie Donnan is a recent college graduate from Northeast Iowa Community College working as the On-site Manager of The Dubuque Farmers’ Market and recently finished work at Honey Hill Organic Farm in Potosi, WI. She is also employed at The Smokestack in Dubuque, IA as a cook and bartender. Andie is currently enrolled in the Master Gardner’s Program and volunteers at the NICC School Garden as well as the Dubuque Rescue Mission.

She has enjoyed gardening for four years so far, and it has led her to pursue working more closely with the farming and food industries. This is her story.

G

rowing up, I was independent and very rebellious. I was raised by my single mother from the age of four. I spent time with my father every other weekend, but their household structures were entirely different. Each of my parents gave me freedom of choice and minimal guidance, so I primarily did as I pleased. Newly divorced, my parents both lived minimalist lives because neither was financially stable. At an early age, I discovered the value of money: my mother’s grocery trips yielded snacks, sweets, frozen dinners, and other junk food. My father allowed me to pick out anything I wanted to eat. Of course, I always chose snack foods primarily loaded with fats and sugars. I often joke that Little Debbie was my step-mom.

My mother was extremely depressed and this personal struggle forced me to take on

responsibilities at a young age. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I noticed my mother was developing symptoms of Huntington’s chorea. This inherited disease causes a breakdown of nerve cells in the brain while loss of memory begins to occur. Around fifth grade I recall taking on nearly all the household responsibilities. I cooked for the two of us, did laundry, cleaned, got myself to school, and reminded my mother of our bills that needed to be paid. By thirteen, without a driving permit, my mother had me driving because her motor skills were declining.

Regardless of my growing independence, I caused more harm than good at home.

Academically I excelled, but somehow I always managed to get into trouble. Trips to the principal’s office were common. I never really faced the consequences for causing problems at home. This lack of discipline and structure enabled me to act

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out with no repercussions. As I got older, these bad habits met with the law for the first time.

I was living on my own at seventeen and although I received a consistent paycheck and got all A’s in school, the rebellious side of me was still acting out. My first arrest happened the week before my eighteenth birthday. Being young, naive, and unable to learn from my mistakes, I continued to get in trouble with the law for the next five years. Struggling financially became the norm and the burden of being in trouble was mentally exhausting.

On several occasions, I truly felt like I couldn’t get ahead. By the time I was 22, I had been arrested and incarcerated in three counties. A third DUI occurred and my fines were creeping toward $20,000.

I moved away to the countryside of Sherrill, IA hoping to keep out of trouble and

it worked. I remained in the country for three years and didn’t break a single law.

It was lonesome at times, but I was able to focus on myself and that was far more beneficial than a social life. Dues for my probation officer, lawyer fee, fines, vehicle interlock system, and the alcohol monitoring device on my ankle totaled $800 a month. Thankfully I developed frugality at an early age... so I worked two jobs and saved all I could.

The long drive home, the long hours at both jobs each day, and the resistance to alcohol took a serious toll on my mental and physical health. I hit my last nerve about a year into wearing the alcohol monitoring device, so I approached my public defender for options on removing it. The deal: removal of the monitoring device and I serve 30 days in Jo Daviess County jail in exchange. During my stay,

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I began contemplating going to college while I read countless books from the jail’s library, from my friends and my grandmother. One evening I became entranced by a gardening book my grandmother had sent me away with and almost magically, a void was filled.

I never thought that gardening would create a new place in my life. It was a long thirty days, but I was enlightened to discover something new. I recall walking out on the morning of my release feeling free, hopeful, excited, yet scared. I hoped I would never have to submit myself to that experience again. There’s something to be said about individuals who are incarcerated often enough that they no longer have fear, or that have a sort of numbness to them. These institutionalized feelings create a population that remain in the cycle of court systems and the inability to get ahead. I have felt this way before, and I currently do. That morning of my release, I couldn’t continue to be okay with serving jail time because it was never for too long.

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What a horrible excuse. With that in mind, I knew I had to make a fresh start.

I returned to Sherrill and did everything I could to regain normalcy. Within two weeks of my release, I registered for school at NICC and planted my first organic garden. Once I overcame all the bullshit I was doing to myself, I was able to give into passion. By fully committing to my new hobby, a world of opportunity presented itself. I dabbled with canning and preserving and discovered the importance of eating organically. The best decisions I ever made were changing my diet and mentality. Fresh fruits and vegetables were not staples of my diet because I had

been raised on such unhealthy food. Being open about changing my eating habits has allowed me to explore new food and the desire to grow nearly everything.

The next spring I landed an amazing job as the Deli Manager at the newly established Dubuque Food Co-op. My love and experience with food, organics, and going to school for business enabled this new opportunity for work.

Soon after, my third DUI appeal came to a close (I lost the initial case two years prior). My optimism faded, and I had to serve yet again. This time, I was required to complete the program at the Dubuque residential facility.

This program was a year long with four levels.

Essentially, I had to stay for a duration of time to advance to a new level that would allow me to leave the facility, known as a furlough. Work and school were allowed while countless hours in the building were unavoidable. Ninety-six days later, I was out of the facility on the extended leave furlough program.

That meant I no longer had to reside in the building, but I had to keep a steady job and a roof over my head. I had a nine o’clock curfew,

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a house phone, and needed permission when leaving the county.

One year after stepping foot into the residential facility, I was officially no longer a resident and completely on my own. Another major accomplishment happened that year: I helped launch a school garden at NICC. So the whole growing food idea expanded and I fantasized about operating my own small farm. I formed relationships with farmers and many like-minded individuals while working at the Dubuque Food Co-op. The need to learn how food grows efficiently and on a larger scale beckoned me.

I decided it was time for a change.

Once I graduated, I quit my full time job and began working at Honey Hill Organic Farm and at the Dubuque Farmers’ Market as the On-site Manager. Working outside every day and basking in the sun is wonderful, but it doesn’t come without hard work. I gained a lot of experience working at Honey Hill and I realized there is always more work to be done and far more to learn, which I find incredibly exciting. The farmers’ market has been an opportunity to understand how people sell their products, how their farms are set up, how they succeed or struggle, and ask questions that the internet or a book can’t answer.

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Cooking and gardening have become my escape. So many young people don’t have a focus and I was guilty of being one of them. I find that by admitting our faults and challenges, it becomes easier to overcome them. We then have the opportunity to allow amazing alternatives into our lives. Nothing is perfect: no one person, plant, or animal. Educating ourselves and having new experiences is essential.

I hope to always feel the way I do when

I’m in a kitchen or working outside.I love when my garden takes bloom and I’m able to feed myself and others. It’s the feeling of fulfillment. Growing food has become a strong value and staple in my life. Whether it’s in a backyard, at a school, or on a farm, I know I want to produce food for others. Sharing food with others is important because a connection is made between grower and consumer. The comfortability and trust that results allows a relationship

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to form. I hope to gain enough experience over time so that one day I’m comfortable enough to manage and finance my own small operation. All my experiences, good and bad, have helped shape and change my character for the better. Without them, I would have never learned how to be mentally strong or how to push forward with positive momentum. If growing food continues to give me a focus and keeps me off the radar, I’ll never stop doing it.

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Japanese macaques are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

Iowa Legal Aid

CRITICAL SERVICES FOR VULNERABLE IOWANS Iowa Legal Aid is the only statewide provider of free, civil legal assistance to lowincome Iowans. Iowa Legal Aid: 

Helps people with critical legal needs that affect safety, shelter, sustenance and health:  Protects victims of domestic violence;  Protects families from unsafe housing and illegal evictions;  Protects elderly Iowans from consumer fraud, elder abuse and financial exploitation; and  Secures health care, SSI and basic public benefits for low-income Iowans.



Provides services in all 99 counties through 10 regional offices.



Does not handle fee generating cases or criminal cases CLIENT DEMOGRAPHICS:  72% are women;  30% have a disability  24% are age 60 or older;  Over 16,100 children lived in the households served

2016 Closures by Case Type Family 29%

Housing 30%

Juv Empl Health 3% 3% 6%

Misc.

8% Income Maint.

9%

Consumer 12%

UNMET NEED FOR LEGAL ASSISTANCE: 

Over 499,000 Iowans (16.7%) have incomes below 125% of the federal poverty guidelines and are income eligible for Iowa Legal Aid’s services.



Iowa Legal Aid closed approximately 16,350 cases in 2016, serving nearly 38,000 Iowans; this is almost 39% less than the number of cases closed in 2010. The decrease is the result of reduced staff (13 fewer attorneys and 6 fewer support staff), not reduced need.



10,000 families are turned away or underserved annually due to lack of staff resources.

“Iowa Legal Aid is a very accomplished, productive, and organized program providing high quality effective and efficient legal services to its clients.”

— Report from Legal Services Corporation Office of Program Performance

YOGA

SIMPLY YOGA

by Varoon Singal

Standing in front of a uniquely Portuguese, seventy-year-old villa in Goa with a cup of crème brûlée in my left hand and my phone in the other, I can’t help but think back to this day three years ago. I was in Melbourne, with a green eyed, Aussie-Canadian boy and we were fast approaching five years of monogamy. I was living the epitome of the Aussie dream. I had an amazing social life, I was pretty, the youngest national manager of two teams in an executive agency with the attorney general of Australia, and an apartment a block from Kyle Minogue’s childhood abode… yet somehow, it was the unhappiest I had ever been.

One day over a sunny picnic in a Melbourne park, he asked me, “What are the top three things in your life that you would change? The three things that bring you the most unhappiness?” My answer was clear. Job, home and him… but I

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couldn’t tell him that. A few months later, I began a year’s sabbatical, was single, and planning to leave Australia for good.

Most of us struggle with the easiest choices: a flat white or a skinny soy latte?

Muffin of the day or a pretzel? My colleagues at the time said, “Varun everyone talks about this, but you’re the only one we know who’s doing it. We’re so, so proud of you! You are truly made for bigger things than a pinstriped nine-to-fiver.”

My ex was also in a mundane rut, and today he seems to be exactly where I left him. We all have choices to make; some of us just choose not to choose. When we do, we define who we are and what we become.

I went from city to city and country to country in Europe starting with London. It was all the same to me. What do you think when you think of Europe? Opulence, art, fashion, flower shops, smiles… but all I could pay attention to was the economical expense, grumpy locals, and sightseeing overrun with tourists. Yoga became my only escape from mundane nine-to-fives and redundant, weekly pho dates. Those 90 minutes made me feel more alive than dancing all night in my underwear.

I decided to pursue it. I enrolled myself in a teacher training course in an exotic location, away from the shadows of the west. Twenty five days of abstinence and intense, rewarding training later, the end of my course and certification was near.

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Then the earthquakes struck and I was in the midst of it all in Pokhara, Nepal...

Okay, that pause wasn’t for dramatic purposes. I suffered from an anxiety attack.

It’s not easy to talk, let alone write, about what I experienced when I did. Why Nepal? Why that changing point? A month prior, I lost my best friend and angel who set out on the same path as me – quitting that sad life and trying something fun and free in a country like Germany. The Germanwings plane went down and took him and his mum, too. I still remember waking

up to the call, to the news. I still cry to this day for the loss of my precious friend. He supported and touched me in more ways than one. He was less than thirty years old... I realized then that I had one true purpose: make this happen. Make a difference where it is truly needed. As someone asked, why not go and work in India where people need help the most? Why not that over trying so hard in a foreign place? Why choose the harder path?

Today, I’ve quit that prestigious job with the attorney general of Australia, left a

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gorgeous SATC-style apartment in the heart of Melbourne and my best friends, and settled in the simple and quiet environment of the Goan hills of northern India.

Why Goa? Why would you leave such an amazing life in Melbourne – or for that matter, my hometown of Chandigarh – and settle in Goa? Why yoga in Goa? The answer is simple: Goa is my paradise. Goa is my Bali from Eat Pray Love. It’s the end of that book. It’s the discovery of solace. It’s where change begins and I can truly shine. It’s not saturated, it’s balanced, people are lovely and there are smiles and sunshine and generosity everywhere I look. My father exclaimed when I told him last year, “It’s perfect for you! I see you there!” It’s the most western place in India, so there is a balance of Chandigarh and Melbourne. It is the center of the world – from there, you can travel anywhere easily.

You may chuckle if I admit that I still scream every time I see a frog or a lizard or some strange thing flying… but I do remember to count my blessings, like finding my perfect home! Where else could I have found my old, Portuguese villa and manage to design according to my vision? My aesthetic style is very Melbourne-inspired: artistic, hipster, minimal and clean. For the interior, I am determined to support local artisans who know how to represent and complement the local culture and reflect the local environment. Despite being an abandoned and now restored heritage villa, I’m using luxurious, neutral tones for the furnishings. I have even commissioned Athanguddi tiles. They are a dying art and only two man-

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ufacturers remain in the world, both on the east coast of India. There are uniquely baked using glass and terracotta and their colorful patterns are hand painted.

As it’s a one man show, I’m reaching out to the NGOs and local LGBTQ communities to find people who are from the community or friends of the community, people passionate and driven to make a difference, to empower and drive change. I want everyone who walks through the door to feel a sense of belonging and non-judgment, as is in line with yogic principles.

After all, that is why I’m really here: to give hope. Hope is all we can wish for.

What really drove me toward traditional

yoga is studio-style, westernized power yoga, which derives the postures from yoga but fails to capture what it’s truly about. This is how I started, too, five long years ago in Melbourne... Now having learned the art and science in its truest form, I can’t help but share it with the rest of the world. The World Health Organization suggests that the 80% of modern day diseases are psychosomatic. And what is the only cure? Therapy, drugs and more drugs? No: Yoga and yoga only. It’s the only science that aims at strengthening and killing the root from within rather than through suppression and camouflage.

All this must be combined with good diet and lifestyle. It’s a lifestyle shift without any drastic changes. It’s what works for

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us personally, and through this retreat I want to spread the truest form of yoga and help people develop their own practice based on who they are and facilitate a difference in their own lives, instead of having to rely on a video or a book or even a teacher. As my own teacher said, “If you’re learning to drive, it doesn’t mean you will take your teacher with you every time you drive for the rest of your life.”

Having this retreat in India comes with its own set of challenges, but I believe that this is where we can truly start to make a difference.

We aim to not only let individuals be who they are but also get more in touch with who they could become, bettering their own lives and the lives around them. The retreat is set for a phased launch, first opening its doors to casual, community-based classes and a yogic diet based bistro. The main launch will take place in the first half of 2017 and will feature the bistro, a swimming pool and the various yoga spaces.

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HEALTH

LGBTQ+ HEALTH

Drug Treatment Center Finder is a free webbased resource hub that strives to provide the most up-to-date information and available treatment services across the nation. Their goal is to provide resources to addicts and their loved ones in order to guide them to the help they need in order to rebuild their lives. They currently offer the following resources, with more to come: health screenings, informational and educational resources and data, extensive drug and alcohol addiction and treatment guides, nationwide directory of addiction treatment and mental health services. Visit their website at: http://www.drugtreatmentcenterfinder.com/

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Hepatitis C Virus IN IOWA

Hepatitis C is a liver disease caused by the Hepatitis C Virus (HCV). HCV is the most common blood-borne illness in the United States. Hepatitis C can cause serious health problems, including liver damage, cirrhosis, liver cancer, and even death.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE HCV?

As of December 31, 2015, there were 21,748 Iowans diagnosed with hepatitis C who were reported to the Iowa Department of Public Health. Based on this number of reports, there are likely 35,865 to 136,900 Iowans with hepatitis C infections, with 15,330 to 117,174 of these cases undiagnosed.

WHO IS INFECTED?

63% of hepatitis C cases reported to IDPH as of March 2016 were among people between 45 and 64 years of age.

However, many new cases are among those 30 years of age and younger.

Age Distribution of People Living with HCV 80 Percentage

WHAT IS HEPATITIS C?

60 40 20 0

WHERE IN IOWA?

18-30

31-44

45-64

65+

Age Group

Over 55% of people living with HCV who were ages 18 to 64 reported residency in one of six counties: Polk, Linn, Scott, Woodbury, Pottawattamie, and Black Hawk.

HEPATITIS C CASES ARE INCREASING

HCV diagnoses have increased sharply in Iowa since 2000. Over 2,000 Iowans were diagnosed in 2015, an increase of 182% since 2000. HCV diagnoses among those between ages 18 to 30 have increased 300% since 2009.

WHO SHOULD GET TESTED    

Those who currently or have ever injected drugs Those who were born between 1945 and 1965 Those who received blood transfusion or organ transplant before 1992 Those who are living with HIV

For more information on hepatitis C and to view the recently released profile of Hepatitis C in Iowa, please visit: http://idph.iowa.gov/hivstdhep/hep/hep-c.

Bureau of HIV, STD, and Hepatitis Iowa Department of Public Health 321 E 12th St. Des Moines, IA, 50319-0075 Issued December 2016

Number of People

Hepatitis C Cases Reported Each Year 2500 2000 1500 1000 500 0

Year

Men make up a majority of Hepatitis C cases ever reported to the IDPH.

Women 37% Men 62%

Come see us at Crescent, where you're a person, not just a patient.

www.CrescentCHC.org 1789 Elm Street Suite A Dubuque, IA 52001 563.690.2850 Crescent Community Health Center (CCHC) is committed to providing equitable, inclusive care for LGBTQ patients and their families, who often face critical challenges in securing quality health care and the respect they deserve. CCHC’s staff recognize that LGBTQ patients often have unique needs that require equally unique responses. We have the range of experience and expertise to bring health, hope, and peace of mind to our LGBTQ patients, regardless of what issues they may be facing.

Our services include:

• General Health Exams/Physicals & Immunizations

• Preventative Care: GYN exams, IUD Insertion/Removal

• STD/HIV testing

• Specialty care referrals

• Chronic disease management

• Adolescent-specific care

• Acute care concerns

• Referrals for mammograms, colonoscopy, age & gender appropriate services Crescent Community Health Center opened its doors in October of 2006.

Founded by a group of dedicated board members, made up of the community who identified the need for primary medical and dental care for underserved populations. Since then, Crescent has been providing primary and preventative care to the members of our community.

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Resources & Information

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Let’s Talk About STDs and STIs S

TDs and STIs are scary! Even a standard checkup at the doctor scares us sometimes. Anyone who’s been tested knows about that pre-appointment panic, the anxiety under the doctor’s care, and post-appointment anticipation. We fear the STI itself, and all that might follow it. Embarrassment, guilt, shame, judgment, condemnation, or worse – being an outcast, from friends, family, lovers, society… in other words, those still in the “norm”. This fear is valid. No one wants to get sick, and that’s natural. Today, however, it’s important for us to ask ourselves if this fear is really necessary. We know how we fear: we feel it with acute intensity; it fills our minds and our bodies. But do we really know why?

Let’s recall a few of the deadliest epidemics of history: smallpox, polio, the bubonic plague – these alone spread rampantly and left millions of people dead. Humanity feared them, feared people suffering from them, and in many cases isolated the ill hoping to protect themselves. Looking even deeper in history, we remember the stigma surrounding people with leprosy: in Biblical societies, the healthy declared, “Unclean!”

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by Andrea Becker & Luis Morteo

More recently, AIDS and Ebola have made themselves known to us.

Terror and stigma surrounding all kinds of infection and disease probably began in prehistory, when we as a species were not very good doctors. When we think of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, it is clear that some once-deadly

illnesses – like polio – are not issues today. Others like AIDS and tuberculosis, very deadly just half a century ago, are more treatable today than ever before. Access to effective medicine and good care is increasing all over the world, but our fear of death remains.

There’s not time now to explore all the nuances of the stigma surrounding the still-very-relevant HIV, but we should all make time to learn a little more about it. HIV is something the general public knows of, but doesn’t know much about. For instance, HIV and AIDS aren’t the same thing.

HIV does not necessarily, but can lead to AIDS (auto-immune deficiency syndrome). HIV and AIDS disproportionately affect minority groups of all kinds – racial minorities, people in poverty, women and children – not just (nor ever just!) the LGBTQ+ community.

Unfortunately, the idea of epidemic is still bound to HIV/AIDS, making it hard for many of us to separate it from fear. In fact, such effective treatment methods are available that it is possible to become HIV “undetectable”. This is a version of HIV+, but it means that the viral count in the body has become so low that it can no longer be detected and decreases the chance of transmission by over 95 percent. While this is a huge victory for those fighting HIV/AIDS, it’s also a reminder to practice safe sex and be a responsible partner. In the first world, we can take an optimistic approach to HIV/AIDS, and little by little, let go of fear.

Sometimes, the stigma surrounding infections comes from stranger places than a fear of death.

Let’s use herpes as the example here. Once

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taboo to even mention, this multiform virus is making more and more appearances in the media, incidentally, because of the distorted ideas that surround it. Most of the world’s population carries some form of the virus. The form that gives you a cold sore three times a year can appear anywhere on the body: nose, genitals, eyeballs… the kind that mainly causes genital sores can appear on your mouth, too. Many people who have experienced either or both admit it’s not as awful as the media purports. If STD stigma is something you’d like to explore more, check out Boradly’s enlightening articles, “Did Big

Pharma Create the Herpes Stigma for Profit?”, “You Probably Have Herpes, but It’s Chill”, and TIME’s “The New Scarlet Letter”.

The truth is that STIs are more normal than most of us believe. According to The STD Project, “There are anywhere from 56-65 million [documented cases of] people living in the U.S. with an incurable sexually transmitted disease… To give some perspective, that means there are more people living in the U.S. with an STI/STD than the entire black (42 million) or Hispanic (50 million) populations. And, lastly, 1 in

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2 Americans will have contracted an STI by the time they reach the age of 25.” And those are just reported cases!

It’s normal to encounter infections and disease in life. It’s okay to be a little nervous, but it is also very, very important to get tested. IT IS OKAY! It is okay to be scared, because it’s hard to face embarrassment, guilt, shame or judgment. It’s okay to feel those things, as long as we don’t dwell in them too long. We must

not forget that only we can judge ourselves, and there are benefits that come with being safe and protected. We must remember that if we get infected, we are not lesser people and that help is available. We must remember to care well for ourselves and to our partners, to whom we have physical, moral, and emotional responsibilities – and the number one way we can do this is to step beyond fear and take the test.

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Spotlight on MAT Provider: Mercy Turning Point

Originally published in “A Matter of Substance: A publication of the IDPH Division of Behavioral Health, Bureau of Substance Abuse” newsletter, January 2017 Mercy Turning Point Treatment Center is an outpatient treatment program provided by Mercy Medical Center Dubuque. Mercy Turning Point provides evaluation and treatment services to adolescents (ages 12 and up), adults, and their families. The treatment team includes six counselors, one certified nurse assistant, a pediatric psychologist, and three waivered physicians. As part of the larger medical center, Mercy Psychiatric Services Registered Nurses assist with Suboxone inductions and Mercy Community Education Nurses provide bi-monthly Naloxone trainings, including airway management and rescue breathing, for the community.

In August, 2016, Mercy Turning Point celebrated 30 years of providing high quality therapy wrapped in 12-Step philosophy. In 2014-2015, Turning Point saw a dramatic increase in the demand for substance abuse consultations and provided 555 consults across every department within Mercy Medical Center. These consults improved patient outcomes by treating the whole person, decreasing length of hospital stay, reducing the likelihood of readmission within 30 days, and improving patient satisfaction – all important data points and ways to use data to assure best practice and quality of care.

Mercy has established an Opioid Executive Team where urgent conversations regarding leading the community effort to combat the illicit heroin/synthetic fentanyl/opioid crisis are facilitated. Mercy Turning Point was selected as a Medication Assisted Treatment—Iowa provider and has been providing medical evaluations and pharmacological management to Turning Point and Substance Abuse Services Center (SASC) patients since December 2015.

Their waivered physicians have treated over 80 patients with severe Opioid Use Disorder and Alcohol Use Disorder. The majority of these patients have had positive therapeutic responses to Suboxone therapy and/ or other medications. Patients have experienced reductions in withdrawal symptoms and cravings while demonstrating increased motivation and treatment engagement.

One patient stated, “I have never come out on top before in my life, but this time I am.”

Despite the successful implementation of MAT services, Dubuque County has seen 23 opioid overdoses — including 12 fatal overdoses — since March 1, 2016. The need remains urgent across the state to do whatever we can to save lives and stop the opioid epidemic.

Mercy Turning Point is proud to be a Medication Assisted Treatment provider and commits to continuing to improve their treatment services.

For more information, please http://www.mercydubuque.com/ substance-abuse-treatment.

visit

Suicide Prevention My Story

This piece was written anonymously by a brave young woman who battles depression and hopes to instill hope in other people who feel lost or unsure about reaching out for help.

S

uicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-24. It is a worldwide issue and can be prevented with mental health resources. By sharing my story, I hope I can convince suicidal teens to not go through with it.

You are important. Your life matters.

Trigger Warning: The beginning of this story contains graphic images related to depression and self-harm.

I grabbed a razor from the tool box. Perfect. This will calm me down. Yes, the term “perfectionism” runs my mind… unachievable perfection. I swear I hear voices in my head: music, talking, inner chatter constantly playing in my mind. I just want everything to shut up. Perhaps this is related to having ADHD. I have a fast paced mind. Cutting allows me to demand silence. I slide the blade down my arm, opening an intricate red line. I feel the scream inside me as I cut. Next, my leg.

Before I know it, I’ve cut a little deeper than I wanted to. I press down on the outside of my arm with a wet wash cloth to stop the flow.

I cut my forearms because the other side (the one they draw blood from) makes me too queasy. I’m not totally suicidal, but I want the pain of clinical depression to stop. I rinse the blood off in the sink and pour cleansing alcohol over the cuts before bandaging them. Often when my wounds turn into scabs, I cover them up with concealer or makeup. Sadly, this cutting routine has been with me since the beginning of college. My scars aren’t visibe – they are light and even faded. I don’t cut every day.

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I’ve battled, intermittently, with wanting to kill myself since I was twelve years old.

It comes in waves. One of my triggers are peers. Big ones for me are rejection and perfectionism. Sometimes I wonder why I have depression at all. I come from a wealthy background. I am an attractive female with many friends, and I’ve always had friends. I’ve never been horrendously bullied. I’ve just never felt good enough.

Part of me is curious about the other side.

Perhaps it is simpler to be dead than to face the world. Also, I deeply fear the uncertainty of my future. Depression is difficult to understand. It shows itself from time to time, and when it does, it completely warps your brain. So far, I’ve learned to cope, and the truly bad times eventually pass.

Heather’s* Wings

My first encounter with Ann went very well. She seemed glad for me to begin volunteering. She is a tall, Jewish woman with fine wrinkles, bright eyes and bronze skin.

Curly brown locks bounce atop her head.

She has two daughters and a husband. She is from my neighborhood. When I first met Ann, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that she was afraid of me, and I was afraid of her. As time passed, we came to understand each other. We both were hurting, but in completely different ways. Frankly, she was hurting a lot more. Somehow, we suffered in cadence with one another and grew up from our experiences.

Ann’s non-profit is called Heather’s Wings for her daughter, Heather, who committed suicide. Ann is the president and manager of the organization. Heather’s body was discovered, tragically, by her mother and sisters. All I knew about Heather was what she looked like. She was beautiful. As I grew closer to Ann, I learned that Heather had been raped, and bullied in school, but was an avid reader and a poet. She seemed like someone I’d love to befriend: kindhearted and artistic. Before I joined the non-profit, I had now idea how much of Ann’s life was grieving over her deceased daughter. Ann’s suffering caused me distress, too, because I care for her so much.

I don’t know if I was ever at serious risk for committing suicide. I’d like to think I wasn’t, that I was a normal, angsty teenager. I sought out a suicide prevention volunteer program because I thought it would help me with my own battle against depression. Plus, I needed experience on my resume for job applications. What did I have to lose? Over the summer, I sent an email to Ann*, the leader of one such program. Right away, it felt as though I was able to get to work and start helping her. Ann continues to save lives with her SOS Upon volunteering, I followed the official program. She travels to schools to educate teens about signs of suicide. Heather would “Heather’s Wings” Facebook page. be 29 today if she were alive; she died Ann often posted quotes like, “Your loved eleven years ago. To this day, I still canones are always there for you,” and, “Fall not wrap my head around it. I only feel the smallest fraction of what Ann feels for the down seven times, stand up eight.”

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loss of her daughter. How did she survive will ever be the same without you there. this? How does Ann keep going after such Whether you are close to your family or a tragedy? not, you are still important. You have a purpose here people that care about you.

Because of Ann, my perception of suicide You matter. You have the power to make is changed forever: it was the wrong thing a difference in this world. Depression lies! to do. The aftermath from a loved one’s Don’t believe the lie. The truth is, you are suicide continues forever. My life changed, good enough. and I stopped living for myself. My purpose was not to stay alive for me, but for Suicide is tragic and it begets a unique others. I wish no one had to suffer like grieving process because of survivors’ selfthis: not the sadness that caused Heather’s blame, anger and sadness. The pain echoes death, nor the enduring pain it causes Ann forever. Loved ones forever blame themand her family. I was so shocked by the selves for missing the warning signs. Please indelible devastation a suicide could cause don’t be afraid to seek help. It is okay not a family. to be okay. Something that deeply helped me was helping others recover. Bond with What I found particularly interesting people who understand depression, anxiabout working at Heather’s Wings was ety, mental illness. By healing others, we that I thought all my empathy would be heal ourselves. We have to choose life. We for Heather, and for Heather’s battie with must reach out to others. We must. depression. However, I have much more sorrow for her family, who bears the bur- Joining Heather’s Wings has made me realden of always living with this experience ize that even though I can’t bring Heather at their backs. I really can’t imagine any- back or heal Ann’s grief, I can help prething worse than losing a child to suicide. vent others from following through with In most cases, I think a caregivers love committing suicide. I can help because I their children far beyond comprehension – have been in the darkness myself. I posmuch more than we can love them back, sess a unique voice. Finally, it is important even if we do not always agree with or to remember that if you or someone you understand them. At least, that is what I know is suffering from a mental illness, see in Ann. there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with them. Mental illness can be helped, healed and overcome You’re Not Alone in a huge variety of ways, if we seek the Troubled teens and people everywhere: resources for ourselves and help those in please don’t do it. There are so many darkness find them, too. reasons for you to stay with us. Without you, your friends’ and families’ lives are *names have been changed. forever shattered. No holiday or birthday

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If you think you or someone you know might be at risk for suicide, please take a look at the following resources. Help is at your fingertips.

Dubuque Crisis Lines: 855.800.1239 888.557.0310 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1.800.273.8255 suicidepreventionlifeline.org I’M ALIVE Online Crisis Network: www.imalive.org

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Real Boy (2016)

“

Directed by Shaleece Haas

Real Boy” is a candid documentary about a family in metamorphosis. Bennett Wallace is nineteen years old when the film begins, having recently started HRT. In dialogue with his mother, Bennett lets his true identity unfurl, building meaningful relationships and making forever friends along the way. Bennett navigates hardships and suffering through music, finds independence, and overcomes addiction. “Real Boy” is not a lighthearted account of physical, intellectual or emotional transition – but it is an honest one.

For Dubuquers, “Real Boy” will be especially fun to watch: Bennett and Joe are seen for a moment playing a show with our own River Glen, and a mural by local artist Victor Cayro makes an appearance as Bennett walks down a flight of stairs.

Since 2016, there have been more than 130 screenings of REAL BOY in 20 countries.

REAL BOY will air on PBS’ landmark series Independent Lens on Monday, June 19th, 10p ET. We hope you’ll tune in!

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BE PROUD!

PRIDE MONTH

Happy Pride Month!

It is with great pride that I recognize Dubuque’s 30th Pride celebration! My first Pride celebration was Des Moines’ 2006 Capital City Pride. I had just turned 21 and was working as a Soda ‘N Sounds stage performer at Adventureland. At the time, I was not out except to a few close friends, and I remember vividly the exhilaration, joy, and sense of community I felt for the first time at that celebration. This sense of community was new to my identity as a gay man. Before attending Pride, I experienced feelings of shame, isolation, and fear. I never would have dreamed that I would become executive director of One Iowa eleven years later. Now, I am so proud to not only be an LGBTQ Iowan, but work hard every day to preserve and advance equality for our community.

It is crucial for us to remember the history of our community’s Pride celebrations. We must remember the courageous heroes upon whose shoulders we stand, like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. These brave transgender women of color led the Stonewall Riots in 1969. The riots sparked the first Pride celebrations, and continue to help us remember and commemorate the importance of living openly, authentically, and unapologetically.

In Dubuque, we have shoulders we stand on as well. I encourage you to thank and learn more about the trailblazers who initiated Dubuque’s first ever Pride in 1987. These trailblaz-

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ers courageously marched in Dubuque with their banner (seen below) and were met with hecklers who threw eggs at them. Police were also hecklers during the first year’s march, but were trained and wound up protecting the marchers the next year. You can still see egg yolk on the banner even today. It is important to remember where we come from in order to continue moving forward.

Bringing the LGBTQ community together has been a crucial part of One Iowa’s work since we were founded with a focus on marriage equality in 2005. Marriage equality is now the law of the land, and we’ve expanded our work to other crucial areas to preserve and advance equality for LGBTQ Iowans.

One Iowa provides training and guidance to health care providers, businesses, community-based organizations, faith-based organizations, higher education institutions, and correctional facilities to help these entities create welcoming environments for LGBTQ colleagues, patrons, and community members. We host events like the LGBTQ Health and Wellness Conference, LGBTQ Senior Summit, and LGBTQ Day on the Hill to bring community members together and facilitate learning, relationship building, and

advocacy. Over the next several months, we are working to create an LGBTQ Leadership Institute for LGBTQ professionals to develop and expand leadership skills in order to build community and advance in their career.

Through this work, One Iowa aims to empower LGBTQ Iowans to share their stories and put a face and voice to our community. Our stories and our sense of community are our most powerful weapons in the fight for equality. Celebrating and taking Pride in who we are through events like Dubuque Pride is a crucial part of this fight..

Whether this is your first or thirtieth celebration, I want to wish you a happy Pride.

May you experience the exhilaration, joy, and sense of community I felt and continue to feel.

Daniel Hoffman-Zinnel, One Iowa Executive Director

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I chose to be sea

rather than rock. Be driven by wind, without fear of succumbing before the dark vertigo of cliffs After the fall, I know the strength with which my angry waves rise and the whirlpools they form.

I know the soft foam that results from a burst ―thirsty lips fade when kissing your shores.

I hold in my chest fierce beasts and witness love’s embrace with the swing of my music.

I’ll bury corpses and dreams, it will be worth this infinity of contradictions.

I know you will find me one day.

You’ll ask the starlight to sail in the nights and brave as Ulysses, face all the storms to lead me to the shore where my crystalline body dances for you on warm sands.

Your feet embrace my ephemeral caresses with the desire to contain yourself or return to my waters. A sailor ashore is a man lost to life.

Sergio A. Ortiz is a two-time Pushcart nominee, a four-time Best of the Web nominee, and 2016 Best of the Net nominee. 2nd place in the 2016 Ramón Ataz annual poetry competition, sponsored by Alaire Publishing House. He is currently working on his first full-length collection of poems, Elephant Graveyard.

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PUBLICITY!

by Edwin Betancourt

“Here at Publicity! My goal is to make sure every client, no matter where they fall in Hollywood – A-List, B-List, C-List or D – have long lasting careers without suffering the bumps on the road of scandal. My name is Laurel Quinn and I am the CEO and President of Publicity! I founded this company after my mother, the late Oscar Winner Elizabeth Quinn, suffered a scandal because of a jealous co-star and committed suicide. Ever since that day, I have vowed to protect the reputations of celebrities and turn their scandals around. With the help of my staff, no scandal is too big to handle! Give me a call and let Publicity! handle your scandal!”

L

aurel Quinn tapped the end of her pink crystal pen against the edge of her chestnut desk. Seated in front of her was the famous rapper Lil Holler, wearing his infamous thick golden chains and holding his custom-fitted cap on his lap. He was wearing it when he entered the building but Laurel forced him to take it off, saying it was a sign of disrespect to leave it on.

He had heard many stories about this auburn haired woman all throughout Hollywood. She was a force to be reckoned with but she always got the job done. She was dubbed by many people the Ice Queen, a term that he was sure would offend the middle-aged woman if someone called her that to her face.

The silence between the two had gone on at least three minutes now. Laurel knew why he called to set up an appointment with her, she just wanted to hear him explain his reasoning… sadly, the man that won five Grammy Awards and spent most of his career yelling out his songs wasn’t saying a word. He gave her an apologetic look and gulped trying to find the proper words to say.

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She leaned back in her throne-like office chair What you did was an insult not only to your inteland flipped her hair. “Should I explain to you why ligence but to an entire nation.” you’re here or are you going to open up that trap Before the rapper could open his mouth to defend of yours and tell me yourself?” himself, Laurel grabbed a small remote control The rapper licked his lips and began to speak, from her desk and pressed the power button. On “Aight so this is what had happened-“ the large television screen behind her appeared a picture of Lil Holler holding up an American flag Laurel slammed the pen on her desk. Lil Holler on fire, smiling at the camera. The headline read, flinched and shut up. “If you’re going to address “NYC Rapper Lil Holler Betrays America and me, I advise you to take that rapper façade you Insults the Troops” fool the world with and throw it out. You will address me like the Harvard graduate you are and Lil Holler shifted uncomfortably on the chair as actually use English words.” the news segment played on mute. Laurel noticed how uneasy he was and she turned off the screen.

Lil Holler let out a frustrated sigh and he gave the “Can you please, please tell me what the hell was woman a nod. He cleared his throat and continued going through your head when you burned the on, “My apologies, Ms. Quinn. I was going to say American flag and took a stupid selfie doing it?!”

I screwed up.”

“Listen… it all started when President Elect Vic“Screwed up?” Laurel repeated slowly. “No. A tor Uller won the damn election. I-I mean who screw up is getting your backup dancer pregnant votes for a racist?!” because you were too drunk to wear a condom.

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“And instead of creating a fake profile on Twitter here to make sure you come out unscathed from to complain about it like everyone else does, you this mess.” decide to open a can of stupidity and share it with Curtis grew angry at her words. He didn’t think eight million followers?” about the business implications of his actions, and Lil Holler clenched his jaws together, “I was quite frankly he didn’t care. The whole purpose protesting.” of that photo was to show how screwed America was, now that openly racist and homophobic “Protesting what, Curtis?”

Republican nominee “Call me Lil Holler,” the rapper corrected her.

Laurel looked at Lil Holler for a few seconds, shocked he would further prove his stupidity demanding to be called a name that made him sound like an idiot. “Yeah… I’m not doing that.

As I was saying, what the hell were you protesting that you had to burn a flag?”

Victor Uller had won the Presidency. Although he knew there wasn’t much of a connection between Uller and the police shootings which took place six months ago, he needed his voice heard and proved it by burning the flag and taking the picture to show his fans and the entire world how he truly felt.

Curtis took in a deep breath, “I don’t need them!

As long as my fans support me that’s all that mat“If you want to protest police brutality, kneel ters. I have three songs in commercials. One is during the national anthem or text during a presi- the theme to that stupid show about those girls dential speech, I don’t care! But you do not burn finding their killer or some crap.” a flag! It is seen as disrespectful to everyone, Laurel gave him a nod. “I highly doubt your including your fans, which is ironic considering manager even called you since this whole scanall you do is rap about killing snitches and call- dal went down: those commercials have pulled ing women whores and sluts. But that’s beside the out your songs and they’re replacing them with point.” that Canadian rapper. As for the show, more than “Police brutality.”

“The last time I checked, the desecration of the flag twenty thousand people signed a petition to boyis a legal act that is protected by the First Amend- cott it until they take your song off as its theme.

They’re sending it to studio execs at MBZ as we ment. Which means I cannot be imprisoned.” speak.”

Laurel flipped her shoulder length hair back and smiled at him. “You aren’t going to jail, Curtis, “Wait! What?! Someone created a petition to nor are you facing any jail time. This... act of remove my song?” ‘righteousness’ cost you endorsement deals. Nike, “Yes, clever little buggers. They can’t afford Snapple, those ridiculously huge headphones, to move out of their parent’s basement or let any and every deal you had in the works is gone. alone actually find a job, but they can sit behind Poof! They all dropped you once this photo went their computer screens and create meaningless viral. I’m not your agent, I don’t care what your petitions.” intentions are! I’m your publicist. Your fixer. I’m

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Curtis shook his head nervously and shifted in the referred to me as – and I quote – a blonde, cancerchair again. “So what do I do now? I mean you ous woman who turned my life upside down until are my publicist after all.”

I met my current wife.”

“I am well aware of my job title. Thank you for “Oh my God.” Curtis let out a low gasp. the reminder.”

“Right?” Laurel asked. “During those days I There was a knock on the door that caused Curtis wasn’t even a blonde!” She shook her head smilto nervously to look at Laurel and he watched as ing to herself not entirely sure if Curtis undershe rose up from the chair and made her way to stood her dark humor. “Anyway, after that little the door. He couldn’t help but admire the wom- comment I got offended and wanted to give my an’s hourglass figure in a skin tight red and black dear ex-husband a congratulatory present. Tony, dress.

Laurel opened the door to find a man no older than thirty four standing in the doorway holding a manila colored envelope in his hands. “Are these the photographs I asked for?”

The tall man gave her a nod and smiled, “And then some.”

“Perfect. Thank you Tony.” She took the envelope and turned back to her desk.

“Curtis, do you remember Dave Alex? The former mayor of Singler City?”

The rapper thought to himself about the name and he shook his head never once hearing it before. “No I don’t.”

Laurel continued to walk around her desk and she sat down on the chair. “Well, Dave Alex was running for Mayor and he painted his image with this beautiful family. Wife, kids and white picket fences. You know the same old cliché bull crap closeted Republicans use to get votes. Well, back in the days he and I used to be married. This was in college, where I clearly had no self-esteem. Anyway, he did this press conference a few months after being elected, where he

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the man who just knocked on my door, is very with prostitutes the same day his third son was gifted with his ability to manipulate photos and born. That made the people of Singler City very make them seem real.” upset. So upset they decided to impeach him and his wife forced him to go to rehab.”

“You mean like Photoshop?”

If this was a cartoon, Laurel was pretty sure bright “In a way yes. But he doesn’t use that program. exclamation marks would be dancing over Curtis’ He uses something a bit more advanced. Some- head. The rumors he heard from random people thing that when those geeks in the FBI analyze the in the industry were correct. She was a ruthless photo, it’s legitimate and has no traces of manip- woman who would stop at nothing to get what ulation. Anyway, someone leaked a photo of dear she wanted. old Mayor Alex sniffing cocaine and hanging out “Y-you leaked those photos?”

“Oh Curtis. What is that phrase you say in all your songs?” Laurel rubbed her chin thinking of the phrase, and snapped her fingers in excitement. “Ah yes! Now I remember. ‘Snitches get shot.’” She flashed him a devious smirk that would make even the Devil nervous.

He cleared his throat again and asked, “But what does this have to do with my situation?”

“Great question!” She opened the manila envelope and folded her arms on the desk.

“Well, Tony and I went over ways to make this all go away and we came up with a marvelous solution. Here is our version of the original photo.” She took out a picture and handed it to the rapper.

He lowered his eyebrows at what he was seeing. The picture he uploaded online was the same, he wore the same white tank top, the same black fitted cap with his logo on it but instead of sweatpants- he had on shorts, and instead of a burning flag in his hands he had a trout as if he just fished it out of the local river.

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“What the hell is this?! Nah man. No one will the picture and it was manipulated by hackers—” believe that!” He pushed the picture away.

Curtis stopped reading and stared at Laurel. “The FBI? Wouldn’t they deny this claim?”

Laurel was impressed at how handsomely athletic this man was, yet how stupid at the same time. “They could,” she shrugged, “But it’s amazing at “Have you checked your phone recently? You’re what people will do to ensure their secrets never trending number two on Twitter. You would’ve get out. Now please continue reading. You’re just been trending number one but the Queen of getting to the best part.”

England was fictitiously killed off again.”

Curtis nodded. He was sorry he even asked the “I’m trending number two because of this damn question and he continued reading the statement. scandal!”

“Apparently, people were livid that my name was “Mmm, check again.” She stated sitting back on tossed into the Inauguration pool to perform for the chair.

Victor Uller. I was called a traitor, a liar, and even the N-word to describe my intentions. During Curtis quickly pulled out his cellphone and tapped Victor’s campaign, he had said some very offenthe touch screen to discover he had more than sive things that made me question where his loyninety eight Tweet notifications and one hundred alty was, but I would never disrespect something messages. He clicked on the notification icon and as special as our American Flag. I will continue scrolled through the pages in shock and awe at being vocal in my community against the police what he was reading. He noticed one tweet had brutality we have faced all year. Thank you all for ‘Lil Holler Makes a Statement about Hacking’ understanding. Below I have posted the real picand he lowered his eyebrows. ture. If you’re going to try to Photoshop a picture, don’t erase the biggest trout I ever caught! LOL!” “You released a statement on my behalf?”

Curtis finished reading the response and then “Mhmm.” Laurel replied back with a smirk still started again. This was a beautifully written plastered on her poreless face. response. It sounded just like him, every word The rapper clicked on the link and read the state- used, he would actually have used himself. ment out loud.

“This...is great but I’m letting my people down by “I want to thank my fans for their response, both stating the flag burning wasn’t real!” positive and negative, regarding the picture that “What people?” Laurel asked. “When this photo was uploaded earlier. It breaks my heart that any- went viral eighteen hours ago you went from Eight one in their right mind would believe that I would million followers to nine hundred. Before I even burn a flag, a symbol of this Country… a sym- started typing out that statement, it crawled down bol of everything the brave men and women are to two hundred followers. Face the facts Curtis. fighting for overseas. So many believe I would This isn’t about politics or race. At the end of the do something as sinister and vile; that hurts me. I day, it’s about you staying on top of your career. have been vocal in my community for years and I get that you want to be Robin Hood, I do. But believe me when I say I did not burn the American put all that anger into your next album, because Flag. I had the FBI and local officials look into

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as a woman, I ought to castrate you for constantly Curtis chuckled and he turned toward the office calling us bitches, sluts and whores.” door and opened it, he walked out of her office and Laurel let out a deep sigh of relief for a job As if the pain was real, Curtis placed his cap over well done. Tony knocked softly on the door. his crotch and nodded. He looked back down at the phone screen and swiped it again. “According “Everything worked out?” he asked, his British to my followers now, I only have five hundred.” accent prominent now – it was hidden before. She flashed him a smile nodding her head.

“Give it time. Everyone is still working and in school. Around noon and six the news will pick “Were there any doubts?” She paused for a few up on this mishap and address it.” seconds and licked her lips, smirking. “How would you like to make twenty-five thousand Curtis placed the phone in his pocket and he rose dollars?” up from the chair. “You really came through for me. Thank you so much!”

Tony straightened his posture and looked at his boss. “I’m listening.”

Laurel gave him a sincere smile and nodded her head watching him. “That’s my job. The next time *** you’re angry… stay away from flags.”

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Laurel walked out of her bedroom in grey sweatpants, a baggy pink sweater, her auburn hair in a messy bun. She had been home twenty minutes and couldn’t wait to kick off her stilettos, her designer dress and just put on something more comfortable. In the kitchen, she poured a glass of red wine and took a sip. It was as bittersweet as her day had been.

another car pulled up to his black Mercedes Benz and opened fire. From what I’ve been told, Lucas was shot twice in his right arm and is in stable condition. This, just hours after Curtis released a public statement that his Twitter account was hacked and a manipulated photo surfaced of him burning the American Flag. Investigators have detained a person of interest and there is no word yet whether this individual was behind the shooting—”

Her concentration was cut when her cellphone rang. She set down the wine and snatched up the phone. Text appeared: Turn on the news. Now. *** Laurel quickly turned on her large plasma TV. And read NYC Based Rapper Lil Holler Gunned “Were there any doubts?” She paused for a few Down”. She turned up the volume, sorry she had seconds and licked her lips, smirking. “How would you like to make twenty-five thousand forgotten the wine. dollars?”

“That’s right, Linda! According to the San New Police, Curtis Lucas, a.k.a. rapper Lil Holler was Tony straightened his posture and looked at his leaving a meeting with his Record Label when boss. “I’m listening.”

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“I need you to help Lil Holler get back his followers.” Laurel stated signaling the six and a half foot man to close the office door. Tony shut the door.

“Followers, as in bullets or stabbing?”

Laurel turned off the TV and looked down at her phone. A few taps and the screen read, Transfer Completed. It was Tony. Laurel grinned. “You’re welcome.” She dropped her phone into her pocket and got up from the sofa. She made her way back “Bullets. But I need you to make sure he doesn’t to the glass of wine and took another sip, smiling die. So try to aim for his arm. Right arm. He’s a to herself. Wine in her right hand, her left pulled a lefty so this won’t affect his ability to write.” quarter out of her purse. Laurel spun on her heels and turned off the lights. She walked down the Tony wasn’t like most men in San New. He was long hall of her empty three bedroom apartment tall, dark and handsome, and while he was born in and halted at the last white door. the UK, he had many secrets that prevented him from returning home. Secrets that would end his Laurel turned the knob to see a dark room, but life if they ever got out… the very same secrets the light from the hallway crept in falling on the that made Laurel take an interest in him and hire baby crib. A blue banner hung on the wall, bearhim on the spot. ing a name. Elijah Zachary Quinn. Her bare feet made no sound as she walked deeper into Elijah’s “If I didn’t know any better, Quinn, I’d say room. Upon a chestnut dresser were a few diayou’re hiring me as your assassin rather than your pers, a photo of an eight month old baby smiling, assistant.” and a container that held twenty-three dollars in Laurel flashed him a smirk and flipped back her quarters. hair. “It was your assassination skills that brought you here. It was also your poor lapse of judgment that made you assume I was an easy target. Now, I’m just promoting you temporarily to do what you do best. Except this time, you’re not killing anyone. You’re just helping a dear client with his unfortunate situation.”

Laurel dropped the quarter in and she went back to the crib. Inside was a stuffed bear wearing a ‘Mommy’s Little Angel’ shirt. She used her left hand again to press the bear’s stomach. It spoke, “Hey Eli, it’s mommy! I just wanted to sing to you before you fell asleep. Are you ready? Okay here it goes, ‘Hush little baby don’t you cry, Mommy’s gonna bake you an apple pie. And once that Apple Tony straightened his tie. “Sounds reasonable.”

Pie’s all gone! Mommy’s gonna bake you another “Great! I’ll wire you the rest of the money when one.’ Shhh, my little Angel. Go to sleep and know Mommy will always love you.” the job is done. *** Laurel snapped out of her daydream and glanced back at the TV. The blonde reporter continued, “Lucas has been receiving an outpouring of support from his fans, other celebrities and local leaders.”

Laurel’s hazel eyes watered. She’d made the recording for Elijah’s first Christmas. She wanted him to know that when he slept in his crib at night, she was always there, though she was two doors down. She missed her baby, holding him, his laugh, his cry… the way he would speak to her as if he was actually saying real English words.

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She took a deep breath and left the room, clearing her mind through her exhale. Sleep was the only thing she thought of now. The only thing she wanted, all she needed to stay sane. In her own spacious bedroom, she placed the glass of wine on her night stand and sat on the edge of her king sized bed, ready to collapse… Her cellphone rang.

“That sounds delightful!” Meryl stated her tone was pleasant and kind, reminiscent of an elderly neighbor who’d bake you chocolate chip cookies on the weekend. “There’s something you should know Miss Quinn…”

“This is Laurel Quinn!”

“Okay, Laurel. Well, my husband and I met on the set of a movie I did called ‘Matters of The Art’.

We laid eyes on another and that was love. He and I have been together ever since.”

“Hello Miss Quinn. This is Meryl Hopkins.”

“Meryl Hopkins? As in six-Oscars-three-Tonysand-five-Emmys-Meryl-Hopkins?” Laurel’s tone was not one of praise, but curiosity. In actuality, she loved Meryl’s work. She grew up watching her and singing her music. This was Hollywood’s royalty!

“Please, call me Laurel.”

“Sounds romantic truly. But what does this have to do with the situation?”

“Oh, yes…well, my husband is… how do I say this without sounding… okay, well if the identity alone of my husband becomes public, my image “You are correct. I am calling because I am in is tarnished forever.” need of your services. My husband of five years has decided to divorce me. In doing so he has Laurel furrowed her brows. “Why? Who is he? Is threatened to reveal all of my personal secrets to he already married?” any media outlet that would pay him the highest “No. You see, Laurel,.my husband just turned amount of money.” twenty-two yesterday.” Laurel knew she wasn’t “Sounds like a keeper.” She never knew the welcoming sleep into her life anytime soon. actress was married, so initially this shocked her more than anything else. “Did you two sign a prenup and did your lawyer make him sign a confidentiality clause? “ “No and no. I know what you must be thinking Miss Quinn. But I am very old fashioned and I believe love is love. Love isn’t about who gets money or when a marriage ends. Or if it ends. I was a fool I know, but I really loved him.”

Laurel rubbed her forehead trying not to sound too frustrated or irritated. “Okay. How about you swing by my office tomorrow and we can discuss this further.”

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Giraffes are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

Is God Responsible for Everything?

FAITH

FAITH

O

ur time on earth is temporary. If I won’t try to find out who you are, how will I know who I am?” That’s a rough translation of the song that stayed in my head long after I heard it. But I didn’t remember it for the lyrics. I learned those later.

I remember the song because of the twenty teenagers who sang it that night in Jerusalem. “God Is Not Responsible for Everything” is a pop song by one of Israel’s most popular rappers, Erez “E-Z” Sharon.

Their matching jeans and white shirts made it clear they were a choir. They moved and sang as a well-rehearsed group.

But their neon sneakers, long hair, short spiky hair, hijabs, sandals and funky belts expressed the natural teenage individualism that made the performance so much fun. They clearly liked the song they were singing. They took turns stepping up into the spotlight in pairs, singing and rapping at the mic, then stepping back into the group so the next pair could step forward.

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You would never have guessed that these were teenagers from two separate choirs who were performing together for the very first time that night. These Jewish and Arab teenagers had not known each other before rehearsing together.

But now they looked like one experienced choir.

The lyrics of the chorus made it plain: “God Is Not Responsible for Everything. If we don’t accept each other, even the One Above won’t save us from ourselves. God Is Not Responsible for Everything.”

These kids knew more about religion than many adults and now they were teaching us.

Whatever you call God, don’t ever ascribe hate to God’s holy name.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lillian Daniel’s new book, Tired of Apologizing for a Church I Don’t Belong To: Spirituality without Stereotypes, Religion without Ranting is now available for purchase, but you can hear it all for free at 1st Congregational Church of Dubuque, Iowa on Sunday mornings. Pastor Lillian is a Co Dubuque board member.

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J U I C O

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JUICEBOX

O P P R E S S E D J U I C E OPPRESSED JUICE: My story spoken and transcribed. Remaining rooted in thuh oral tradition and paying homage to my native language, AAVE/Ebonics.

My approach to writing this article was specifically styled around the concept of challenging the professionalism of white queer academic discourse and the acceptability of African American vernacular English (AAVE). I consider the way I wrote this to be intentionally controversial in the sense of knowing that the white gaze and its tendency to view black language development as a denigrated form of English is problematic, and I believe that black people self-determining how we choose to speak and express our own experiences as LGBTQ people and agents in challenging the tradition of queer liberation as centering around white middle class subjectivity.

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I walkda in thuh club at eighteeeen in a crop top an’ some tight eayss shorts and nobodi waz feelin me and I felt a typa uh way about it. I wuz like, “Why izn nobody feelin me?” and I thought it wuz just becuz I wuz like… realay skinny and underrrdeveloped but realay it wuz becuz, I’z jus always been cuz I wuz black. An genderwize I wuz servin a look dat wuz a litta too turnt for Ohio, especially fo da roll in look.

Low key I didn git any play until I put on a dress one day. I did uh competition wif my fren becuz dey thought dey would be prettiurr in drag dan me and dey wurrn’t.*little petty laugh* It wuz da first time dat I had received like rhill affurmations dat wurr like, “Oh my gawd, you’re so beautiful.” “Oh my gawd, izz like so like, you should do dis.” So I did. My drag name

waz Syimoan Diamond annnn lookin back I realize dat like, I jus like putting on wiiigs and dresses, it had nothin to do wit da performance part of it. It wuz mo centered around wat my gender wuz. And dat life of: wat is acceptable fo a black person in femininity?

Wut duz dat look like to be femme presenting? It mos’ definitely doesn’t look acceptable in da masculine body. Like low key, beiiing black means, in orda to be socially accepted, you havta fit da social norms of wat a black person iz in thuh eyes of white supremacy. Dis means hella aggressive, hella toppy, hella musqular, hella you know. A black twink doesn’t exist in any kinda white culture or anywhere. You can see it if you watch white culture’s porn… dere iz no black femmes.

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I moved into uh house of eight drag queens, da house waz thuh House of Desmond.

Our mother waz a trans woman named Nadira. Alluv us wurr dancin’ bitches and yeah we hustled. We would steal rhinestones and I would steal just bolts of fabric from Joann’s, just like literally walk out da do’. But wat I really realized wuz dat shit wuz queer. Like back in thuh day, queer didn exist, non-binary didn exist, gender expression waz either male or female.

So dinkin back, like low key I wuz where all da freaks wurr. Like, it just didn exist as a word as it duz now. But it looked uh type uh way. Becuz wut happen’ izzzz like our mother, Nadira, couldn git a job. Laverne Cox wazn poppin, so a trans woman walkin in to even gita a job at Wal-Mart wuz not really uh reality. So you had to do drag to make coin, and you had to do drag fo survival. And dat’s kinna how it wuz.

At dat time, becuz I wuz presenting as a gurl, I wuz fuckin a lot of straight bitches.

Same shit. It wuz thuh only way dat I waz able to present cuz doz wurr da categories dat dere. And it made me feel seen; Like dis person appreciate me for actually activating myself in a rhill way.

When I look at my Ohio experience I realies that I lived in a veree colonized, reguluur azz, suburban place. When I go back home, my familee all dey talk about is gittin a house and a car and den like gittin a betta house an car. Dere wuz never any acceptance of our blackness. My grand-

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mother waz a direct descendent from, and a product of slave rape. Half white, half black. She alwayz instilled in me that I needed to fit in an like, read a book. Go git som knowledge. But she never talked about da struggle dat she had as a black person. And becuz uh that I just assumed dat dere wuz no struggle and we had like, come thru.

An so of course, den I went to a white school. So den all I really wuz doin low key or actually high key, wuz tryna be white. I wuz being told by my family to be white.

BE WHITE. An so, it lookt like that. I wuz wearin cargos. I wanted a honda. I downplayed my rythumm – I’m jokin I’m jokin.

It continued thru in eurocentric beauty standards becuz all I wuz seein wuz white boys. So then when I grew up, I didn even know it but I wuz being taught or told to be a white boyy. An so thas wut I diyud.

I went to a white beauty scool instead of goin to thuh black beauty school cuz I didn wanna be hoooood.

son- thuh day day’re born dey start hemorrhaging. Dey start bleedin. An Dey’re bleedin from da racism around dem. But I had no idea at thuh time that I waz even having sum blood loss.

My wokeness stardid in Asheville, North Carolina. I had moved dere becuz I wuz goin thru recoveree. I had two of my bes frens who wurr white say dat they wud put me up. It wuz cute at first. I wuz doin yoga. an goin to meditation. I got a job. I wuz so hella focust on self care that I didn really dink abou anytheen. Until six months iiin, I realize I didn hav a black fren. I wuz like, “Iaingotno black fren.” And I always hava black fren. Dat’s just like, really basic. An I kept talkin bout it. Dey wuz like *white

I started straightenin my hair so dat I could hav spikes an like use texturizers an waxes. I only dated white boos. An so, wut I wuz really fighting through which I didn even fukin know wuz anti-blackness.

Internal hatred dat wuz handed down to me from my grandmother to my mom. Dis belief system dat moving into AmeriKKKan Value Systems, which iz only rooted in white bullshit, wud give me a betta life.

An that shit jus like continuuueeed fo ten yeeeears. I hella believe every black per-

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girl voice*, “Oh dere’s tonz of black peo- looked like.*chuckles* So, I would be ple who live in Asheville.” An I wuz like, like, “Dere’s no diversity hurr. Dere’s no “Where are dey? An why aren’t u frends different types of pipo hurr.” wit dem?” Dere wuz neva any ansur.

And dey wurr like, “Oh my gawd dere An I wuz da only one talkin about thuh tons of diffurent type of pipo here.” AN problem, cuz I waz da only one who wasn dere WUZ. Dere wuz white punks, dere white. thuh rhill T wuz that all thuh black wuz white hippies, dere wuz white yoga an brown people had beeeen pushed to pipo, dere wuz white collard whites, basic thuh edge of town an thru gentrification becky’s, white trash. Wipipo now wurr wurr not able to work in thuh downtown equating dis bullshit to diversity. Dey wuz area becuz it wuz serving uh white audi- always defendin how beautiful Asheville ence. Dey wadnt comin dere. Dey wuz wuz and da convo wuz neva dem takin neva comin downtown. Da part that wuz accountability or holdin any space fur da reaaally bad wuz listening to da argu- fac tha’ literalee dey had pushed out every ments, lisin to thuh reasoning of wat Ashy brown and black person dere.

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That’s wat happend, dat anger moved into “I hata to git out of hurr, I’m gonna kill you all.” Literally dat’s da rage dat goes thru a black person’s mind all thuh time iz like: “I been hurr fo three years, you don’t giva fuck bout wat I’m saying. Yurr continuing dis white bullshit. If I continuu to stay hurr I’m just gonna shoot up dis resturaunt. I’m just gonna run ova you wit a car.” Like, I’m now rollin down da street wit my music so loud; jus like sittin outsida yoga studios just mean muggin. Tryna I went to two black lives matter rallies break up yur concentration, you know? I wen I lived in Ashy an dere wuz only aint been able to concentrate fo three years TWO black ppl at dose rallies. An wats an its eating me alive. even more intresting, cuz white ppl like space; dey like taking up space, dey like It wuz no different dan Ohio had been. stealin space: dey had da megaphone. So Literalee here we are almos ten years at a black lives matter rally yoo hav white later an I’m actually wearin da same outCindy-Loo-Who holdin down da mic. I fit dat I wore on da firs fukin day I rolled jus couldn really process it without anger. inta da club. I’m jus finally cool wit me Da thing dat pushed me ova de edge, wuz dat dey dere innnto it. An it wuz like dis: “Of course I love dis. I walk out thuh do’ and I see wipipo. I just bought a succulent at da succulent store: full of wipipo…”

They lovvvved it. …” An I wuz just sooo upset. So I stopped talkin to em. I realized I had too many Becky’s, Suzy’s, and Joyce’s in my life that I didn have any mo space for dem. I couldn be nobodi else’s token black fren.

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I realiesed that even tho I lived in Ashy, dey never seen me as ever belonging. You can colonize, whitewash yureself buh like you ain white an so when you look aroun at that like perfec white utopia it really looks like you not spose to be dere. So. I left. I left so I cud git thuh fuck outta Ashy.

At da time I wuz like, “I don fukin wanna job. And imma learn howta not git a job.” Cuz anytime you gotta job you workin furr da white man an I am tired of talkin to thuh white man. I wuz trying to look for some other sitchuayshun. I jus really believed it wuz out there. Just goin towards blacks and queers. Iunno where you are so imma go every single place. I’m not gon hava job.

Imma take this little $400 in thuh back uh my fannypack and hustle. Hustle hustle hustle to survive. bein myself an I see you wit dat V neck.

An becuz I’m not wearin that, I don git to belong. That’s just like, some misogynist, homophobic bullshit of wut it looks like to be uh man. And its like, I honesly am not. Dat’s thuh rhill T like, I’m jus not. A man. So it wuz also veree lonely. Which is low key jus da struggle of bein black an not cisgender.

I ran into every type of gender expression. Highly focused folks who wurr POC an POC focused mentally and in deir art.

But all displaced. Everybody’s fukin displaced. So you goin to New York, Oakland, New Orleans, an dey strugglin; dey strugglin to survive, dey strugglin to be demselves. Buh dey givin you nothing but hella love. An den when you git to dose

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places its just like *lean in to whisper a secret*, “You jus stay away from da wipipo.” You stay away from da tourism an da gentrification . Cuz in dhose spaces you don fit, you don git to be you, you feel uh typa way, dey look at you uh typa way, dey fuk witchu. You could potentchuualli be in danger. Using rhetoric like “hood” an “ghetto”; words dat are plugged in by wipipo so that you don feel comfortable in yo own hoods. . I wuz travelin, jus bringin back sum love to black people in different cities because dey livin an strugglin too. When you rollin around an you got nothin, you appreciate wut everybody else got cuz dey workin and hustling jus like you are. An you realize you waz never meant to be white. An thank DA LORT. Repeatedly. Hallelujah.

So I’m connectin to all these ppl an we’re talkin about white surpremacy, antiblackness, transphobia. Shit dat affects us. So many queer ppl are struggling an that activates dat anger. Activates dat sadness. Activate dat disappointment in da sitchuayshun dat you wuz born in. An den like havin absolutely no controlla over who da fuk u are and havin to continue to live an be resilient can only be met wit also bein hella pissed.

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Dat’s when da flip happened fo me.” Wut white ppl don wantchu to do iz finda pride in yoself and da more you find pride in yoself da less important dey become.

been taught is white history. So why are you mad at that? Why does that make you angry? That is to suppress me and to make me not be proud.”

In da words of Yocheved Cohen “The more you love yourself and you love your blackness, thuh less able you are to tell white people apart.” Literally, when you take da importance of white bodees an white culture away, you realize fo da first time dat you’re hemoraging.

So now, I git uncomfortable around any white ppl dat don’t undastand da responsibility dat deir white bodees an bloodlines an genetixs have to fixin da problems of racism; which is all deir faults. All of deir great grandfathers faults. Everything about it belongs to you, and if you don take any kin of responsibility you’re jus a punk.

Dat’s where my art comes from. If I didn fukin release dis in a way dat waz healthy I wuda already been in thuh prison system on lock. I wuda already hurt sumbodi.

I used to perform to git white pipo feelin a typa way, angur, sadness. And now I’m creating art dat belongs to and empowers black and brown pipo. Cuz we can be self sustaining, and we can create our own shit, an you don havta git it. It aint never been aboutchu an now it will never be aboutchu.

So now you tryna plug it up, an now you got blood pumpin through yo body an you feelin good an you feelin like dat white bullshit has nothin to do wit you.

White bitches take dat personally. Dey dink that you’re racist. Which is impossible so whateva. But truthfully Its just me actually, finaly, speaking my mind. Tina Knowles just said da same shit on Solange’s new album like, “What’s irritating is when somebody’s like ‘They’re a racist.

That’s reverse racism.’ Or, ‘They have a black history month but we don’t have a I’m workin on a project called Oppressed white history month.’ Well all we’ve ever Juice, I’m in da beginnin stages. Every-

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thing that I’m doing iz to build up da sitchuayshun so dat I can fund it. I wud like to create a group dat is black and brown owned and operated. Working wit black and brown queer artists of all types. Creating a space where we have equipment: cameras, greenscreens, soundbooths, etc.

So that when dese dope azz folks dat I met

on da road are ready to release deir anger and talk about wut dey’re dealin wit da equipment iz accessible. Dere’s no money needed. And we push out our art. Check out Intragram @juicebox82 and Oppressed Juice YOUtube channel dey cute af.

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BOOKS

GOOD READS

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Gwen Werner is a queer writer in Dubuque.

She’s probably made you a latte or poured you a whiskey. Her new book, I’m Ruining My Own Life (Passenger Side Books), is a chapbook of six short essays about mental illness and mental thrillness, growing up indoctrinated and female and learning how to tie the room together, assuming one side of the room is Jesus and the other is blowjobs. Her essays are equal parts funny and sad, powerful and energetic, but most importantly, Gwen’s essays articulate how it feels to hold hands with your anxiety and stare your trauma in the face.

“Gwen Werner’s I’m Ruining My Own Life ruined my life. Just kidding, it did the opposite and bettered it. At times startling in it’s frankness and other times heart touching in it’s poignance, Werner’s prose is intelligent, propulsive, and full of dark savvy humor. Her voice is effective and warm, and watching her explore religion, anxiety, intimacy, sex and disappointment is most comforting. Read this book and feel less alone immediately. It’s like a glass of wine in word form. I chugged it in one sitting.”

– Chloe Caldwell, author of Women and I’ll Tell You in Person

You can find Gwen at www.gwenwerner. com. You’ll find published online essays, short stories, and poems, including a few excerpts from I’m Ruining My Own Life.

If you’re really brave, you can follow her on twitter @gabetwee.

“I am a little in love with Gwen. Reading her work cuts something in me and it feels good. There is a palpable vulnerability that draws me in. There is a deceptive gentleness in this book, there language is so lovely and sweet without saccharine or sap. What’s exquisite about Gwen’s work is that sweetness has a sharp back bite.

Getting deeper in, the essays and book are naked and honest. This is the type of work that makes me want to know the person, I want to know the girl Gwen was and the woman she is now beyond the page. I am a little in love with Gwen because she hurt me as a reader and made me laugh while never pandering to my expectations of what the narrative should be and I love that.”

– Shannon Barber, author of Self-Care Like a Boss

Here’s what others have said about Gwen and her work: “Werner’s book offers the precision of smart craft with the wildness of heart. In I’m Ruining My Own Life, you find masturbation, religion and social justice alongside reveries and grand delusions — stories that are both accessible and introspective, leaving you like feeling like you’d visited that longtime friend who always challenges you to be better, to think harder, damnit, and to fucking love yourself already. This is a must-have for any young person torn apart by both the world around and those dangerous inner worlds we create for ourselves.”

– Lisa Marie Basile, author of APOCRYPHAL

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L

illian Daniel is a pastor in Iowa. Her last book, When Spiritual But Not Religious Is Not Enough: Seeing God In Surprising Places, Even the Church is a provocative case for why religious community matters.

Described as biting, hilarious, pitch perfect, tender and often stunningly beautiful, Lillian Daniel’s much talked about book was featured on PBS and in the New York Times.

vate Lives of Two Ministers, celebrated for its humor and honesty by clergy and laity alike.

Her new book, Tired of Apologizing for a Church I Don’t Belong To: Spirituality Without Stereotypes, Religion Without Ranting (Hachette, 2016), explores the changing religious landscape, including the rising number of “Nones,” people who self-identify has having no religious preference.

Lillian has spoken at the National Cathedral, Duke Chapel, Kings College, London and Queen’s College, Ontario; but on Sundays you can find her preaching at First Congregational Church in Dubuque, Iowa.

Her previous books include, Tell It Like It Is: Reclaiming the Practice of Testimony; Odd and Wondrous Calling: the Public and Pri-

She has taught preaching at a number of schools, including Chicago Theological Seminary, the University of Chicago Divinity School and at her alma mater, Yale Divinity School, where she received the 2010 distinguished alumni award for “Distinction in Congregational Ministry.”

“Earthy, perceptive, devout, tough-minded, angry and laugh-out-loud funny, all in the story of one church’s attempt to get people to talk to each other about God.” www.lilliandaniel.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lillian Daniel’s new book, “Tired of Apologizing for a Church I Don’t Belong To: Spirituality without Stereotypes, Religion without Ranting” is now available for purchase, but you can hear it all for free at 1st Congregational Church of Dubuque, Iowa on Sunday mornings. Pastor Lillian is also a Co Dubuque board member.

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flaws as strengths. Move over, Carrie Bradshaw – there’s a new gay in the city.

--“Deliciously Wicked” is his first, and it’s a debut that’s both strong and sparkling – pulling the reader into a world that’s fun, sexy, honest, and relatable.

It may seem rather difficult to believe, but “Bridget Jones Diary” was first published in book form 21 years ago. Whilst it sparked a revolution in how it recorded women’s lives, no-one has, to my knowledge, been able to emulate that style well in writing about men – certain changes must be made, and especially when writing about a Man in this day and age, when diaries are less of a thing, but so many elements of our day to day lives are recorded in emails, texts, blogs, tweets, Instagram posts, dating site profiles, etc…

Allister Dean has collated all of those differing elements, and combined them into one book – Cutting your friends from your life and treating guys like Ken Dolls may seem like an easy task to achieve...WRONG! It’s harder than you realize. Especially when you live in small city where the gay community consists of one hundred people. You’re bound to run into some drama.

Recently single, Allister finds himself at a crossroad. He wants to try the dating scene again and hopes to find a better guy… one who won’t take him for granted or slip into the hook-up scene feeding his inner sex god.

In this collection of witty essays, confessions, and diary entries, Allister finds out what it means to act on lust alone, coming face to face with a monster in the dark, and accepting Capricorn

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making it a read that feels fresh and exciting, allowing the reader snippets that give them detailed glimpses into the lead characters life, and yet allow for the book to maintain a strong sense of pace – it excels at being a light read, yet it’s rather astonishing quite how much information you can gleam from just a few pages of text exchanges, snatched conversations, sexual encounters and messages to ex boyfriends.

It’s quite often that I read books wanting to have on the characters as a friend – but it’s rare to read one where it feels like the lead character is a friend from the off – regaling you with sexy stories, sassy asides and bitchy comments that make for hilarious reading. You shouldn’t just write this tale off as a shallow look at gay life

though – it’s packed full of interesting insights and frank acknowledgements. Brilliant asides are peppered with chapters of story that move several different plots along, keeping the book moving at a rapid pace, but nevertheless, allowing the reader to get to know other characters who enter Allister’s life, and making this a far deeper read than it may initially appear.

Fun, funny and filled with clever writing, catty characters and sexy situations, “Deliciously Wicked” is far more than the sum of its parts – a great read with a big glass of wine and a big bar of chocolate (or one of the delicious meals that you’ll find the recipes for within the pages of this book…)

—thepageisprinted.com

Born in Nevada—a place that should also be called Hell—Allister grew up on a steady diet of Sex and the City, Devil Wears Prada, & Queer as Folk.

His first love was photography; however, he eventually became bedeviled with writing. Dipping into editorial first, Aries was built. Aries was a magazine for the everyday gay man, ranging in topic from how to excel at your job to sharpening your intimate side. After running the magazine for two years, it was time to take his writing a step further. Allister is currently migrating to Oregon to see where life takes him and to finish up his second book.

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Learning to say “Forget it” to Passing

FORGET IT

originally published on transphilosopher.com

by Rachel Williams

I

f you’re a trans person like me then you’re probably hyper-aware of all gendered activities and during them. Last night I went to Denny’s with some cis female friends, and when the server brought our food out, she was served the other girls and said things like, “This one for the lady right here,” but when it came my turn, she didn’t repeat the pattern – she didn’t know how to gender me. She didn’t know whether I was feminine enough to warrant being called a lady. In my own assessment, it was probably my voice: the downfall of many trans women.

During the first year or so of my transition, I put an immense effort into making my voice more passable.

My results were not fantastic, probably because I never saw a professional voice therapist. Now, I’ve given up that pursuit entirely because I am trying to learn to say “forget it” to passing. It’s so hard. So, so

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hard. I want to pass more than anything. I want to interact with people just for once and not have my gender questioned. I don’t want a simple, fleeting interaction – I want to be able to have intimate, one on one conversations with people and not have them suspect I was born male. Oh, that would be so nice.

often genderless despite observing people around me consistently being gendered correctly. I pass enough to largely avoid being gendered male, but not enough to be consistently gendered female, especially after opening my mouth. At the intercom for a drive through? Forget about it. Over the phone? No way. Still a man.

Is there is a secret to learning how to say “forget it” to passing? No. I have no tips.

No advice. For some people, it’s impossible to totally say “forget it” to passing.

Their dysphoria is just too intense for that.

I’ve been blessed with relatively low levels of dysphoria. Others are not so lucky and ignore the pressure to pass. For some, passing is an omnipresent concern. I have no words for these people – all I can offer is empathy and a hug, if needed. If you have that internal fortitude and resolve, it’s possible to learn to care less about passing. If you live in an area of the world that is relatively friendly to trans people, or at least not actively unfriendly, then you too I’ve been told by my local trans commu- can learn to say “forget it” to passing. nity that I have “the epitome” of passing privilege. However, I live my own experi- The number one goal is to stop caring what ence and I know from how I interact with others think of you. Of course, this is easstrangers that I get clocked pretty much ier said than done, but it is possible to fosevery time because of my voice. I don’t ter this attitude through deliberate cogniactually have passing privilege, because tive practice. Say to yourself “I don’t care.

I don’t actually pass. I get clocked. It is Forget you.” It helps. At least, it helps me. currently impossible for me to go stealth. If someone misgenders me, I try to just tell Most people are polite or smart enough myself that it doesn’t matter what strangto not “sir” me, but I don’t always get the ers think of me. What matters is how I am gendered pronouns I so crave, the ones I gendered by my friends and people who need to find validation. My experiences are know me and are close to me. If those peoI suppose I am lucky, though. I fall into a strange class of trans women who don’t pass perfectly, but who people say are attractive. The very concept of a beautiful, non-passing trans woman is almost a contradiction of terms if you believe all the transmisogynist, TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist, or gender-critical feminist) rhetoric out there. If you don’t pass, you look like a man – yet how can a woman who looks like a man be considered beautiful? Beauty and passing are not the same. You can pass but not be beautiful, and you can be beautiful but not pass.

So I don’t have it that bad.

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like that that I cherish. Strangers are just reacting to surface-level gender cues…

But gender is not a surface level phenomena. It goes deep into the core of my being. Strangers can’t see that, nor should Strangers don’t know you. All they’re I expect them to. socially equipped to do is judge you based on cis-sexist stereotypes about how peo- There are two types of transphobes: those ple are supposed to look or sound. Trans who can be educated to change their minds woman with a deep voice? Too bad. I’d and those who can’t. The latter are always rather spend time with people who don’t going see me as a man. Why not just blow assume that a deep voice makes you less their minds with how much a “man” can of a woman. It is the company of people shatter gender stereotypes by embracing ple see me as a woman, then that’s what matters; they truly know me and respect me, acknowledging the authenticity of my gender.

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femininity? In a way, TERFs use misgendering as a political weapon, to upset trans women and get under their skin, provoking anger which can then be used to “prove” they’re still male socialized. Another tactic is to call trans women “male to trans” (MtT) instead of “male to female” (MtF) because they don’t believe trans women can actually change their sex. Once male always male. But one of my personal strategies for learning to say “forget it” to passing is to flip TERF logic on its head. If they’re always going to see me as a man no matter what I do, then it ultimately doesn’t matter if I put more effort into passing. I’m not going to change their minds. It’s not worth stressing about.

one has their own pet theory. TERFs think they can dehumanize me by saying I only transitioned male-to-tranny. But echoing Kate Bornstein – I am proud to be trans!

It’s an identity I welcome and embrace.

Not because being trans comes without problems, but because being trans is the only way I can genuinely be myself. My trans identity is a source of many difficulties but it’s also a source of great happiness through the power of self-determination and self-actualization.

I recognize I am speaking from a place of privilege. Not all trans people are lucky enough to see their being trans as anything but a nightmare, a horrible biological malady that they wouldn’t wish on their worst Many TERFs purport to be all about enemy. Oh, what has the world done to shattering stereotypes associated with you? How has the cruelty and transphobia what “males” are supposed to be.. So go of society twisted something so beautiful ahead: think of me as a man. You’re not going to change my femme identity. Femme man or femme woman – ultimately these are just labels with no concrete definition. People are free to define these terms for themselves how they wish. I have long since given up on convincing the world to unite behind what it means to be a man or woman, male or female. Every-

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into such a tragedy? I am a strong believer in the hashtag #transisbeautiful. It’s a powerful message precisely because so many people don’t believe it’s true. They have been convinced that trans is ugly, sinful, diseased, pathological. These are social constructs. In a utopia, there would be room for trans people not just to exist, but flourish. Think about that. Think about life in a trans utopia. The very possibility of that imagination proves that trans is not inherently pathological – it’s not an intrinsically horrible experience.

In a perfect world, being trans would be like having freckles: just another thing that defines us as unique individuals. In a perfect world, passing wouldn’t have the all-importance it does now because safety wouldn’t be an issue. If trans people could be totally assured this wasn’t a dangerous world for them, so many more trans people would come out of the closet and transition. So many trans people would learn to say “forget it” to passing because they can finally just be themselves without worrying about all the pressure to pass.

It is the first type of transphobe, the one who can be educated, that I truly care about. They are the ones who are merely ignorant about trans identities. Their minds can be changed. They can learn about gender and how it’s different from physiology.

They can learn about neuroscience and the biological basis of gender. They can learn about pronouns and how important they are. These are the people who can learn to

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feel bad after they misgender you. They can’t help it. But they can learn. They can change. They can learn to see me as the woman I really am. They can learn to move beyond the rigid male-female binary essentialism that fuels cis-sexism. It is through this process of education that trans people have any chance of approximating our trans utopia.

Holding onto these ideals, we can create and develop the all-important idea of hope inside our hearts. Hope leads to optimism and optimism leads to change, even if individual, internal change. We are our own best resource for mental contentment and satisfaction. By giving ourselves a chance to accept ourselves, we can learn to say “forget it” to passing and just be ourselves.

Again, easier said than done – but it is attainable! Maybe I am a dreamer. I can’t help but imagine a better world for trans people. A world where passing is done only for ourselves, not for others. A world where passing is about being true to our internal image of ourselves not a defense mechanism against transphobic violence.

I myself haven’t quite learned how to truly say “forget it” to passing. I still care about passing very deeply and perhaps always will, but I’m learning. I’m learning there is an alternate way to exist, even if it’s a fleeting existence. The moments when I can truly say “forget it” are magical, because it’s within those moments that I learn to be myself with love.

Black swans are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

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Ibis are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

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FOOD + LOVE

Meet Carolyn and Angela.

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In the Kitchen with Life’s a Feast Start by telling us a little bit about who you both are.

When and where did you meet each other?

Co-ZINE got together with the professional chefs to learn about love, life, and of course, eating well.

Well, considering I am still trying to figure out who I am, i will focus on how we met. Angela and I met at work in Chicago, at a high-end restaurant named Mango. I was the bartender and she was a server. I had actually come in to apply for a job at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra’s restaurant Rhapsody, which the chef from Mango was opening. We did not realize it but we both had a mutual friend that also worked at Mango. He was always teasing Angela about how “she was a lesbian” and that “we would make a great couple”. Angela would

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respond with, “stop it, I am married”.

But, one night, we decided that if we were going to be a couple, we should play the Honeymooners Game.

Throughout the night we would ask each other questions, breakfast or brunch-brunch, dogs or cats-both, football or basketball-football, air travel or roadtrip-roadtrip. Somewhere throughout the night it became inherently more evident that we had an immense amount of similarities than differences.

I am 46 years old and I live outside of Elizabeth Illinois.

I am a private chef, caterer, food educator, writer, photographer, activist and Mom. My degree is Early Childhood Education and although I cook for a living; I am able to utilize my education in combination with cooking; to teach children and families about food. I am currently working on my Food Literacy Certification. Oh……. and I love chickens!

Carolyn and I met in 1997, at a restaurant in Chicago, called Mango.

I opened the restaurant and she applied for a bartending job a few months later. Although I was currently married, to a man, I was in a transition in my life. I had my three year old twins, and was also raising my nieces,

a four year old and two year old twins, but I also knew my marriage was over and it had been for a while. I knew the day I met her this woman would have a huge impact on my life, and within weeks I knew we were meant to be together through this journey of life.

We have been ever since.

How different is your life in the Driftless area than it’s been in other places?

QUIET and delightfully boring!

But truthfully it is very different from Chicago or San Francisco/Oakland; there is no a rat race. It’s more of a tortoise race, which is exactly what we were looking for when we moved.

In the Driftless area, you have the opportunity to make deeper connections with people because there is time.

Here, we have the opportunity to get to know our fellow artisans and farmers. We are supported, from an artistic level. That is something you just don’t see in a more urban area, unless you are a big name chef. There is an incredible sense of community in the Driftless area, and it is pretty special.

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You’ve worked with and cooked for some high-profile people.

Tell us about a few of your most surprising, special, or memorable moments in your career together.

Well, together, we are both very proud of the mere fact that, in the middle of the greatest recession since the Great Depression, we moved to a new area and started a catering company that had long been a dream of Angela’s. We could not be prouder of that. We are the American Dream, a true Mom & Mom organization. In our business, we have done some great things, but we have had the honor of working with an amazing wine maker to create a wine dinner that benefits Mercy Foundation, for Mercy Hospital in Dubuque.

John Bookwalter and Bookwalter Winery are from Washington State, and John is considered the best wine maker in the state. We agree that his wine is phenomenal. This dinner always pushes our limits in creativity and skill, as we create a multi-course meal that accentuates the wine and challenges peoples senses. He has

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never repeated a vintage, and we have never repeated a dish in the six years we have prepared this dinner. For a chef, these are things that dreams are made of; I mean, how many other reasons do you have to poached a rack of lamb in duck fat?

When we worked together in Chicago, at Mango as well as Rhapsody, on any given night we could be serving Master Conductor Zubin Metha and his wife, with Itzak Perlman, or Gary Fensik from the Chicago Bears or Steve Kerr of the Chicago Bulls, politicians to actors, chefs and even Julia Child! it was a constant stream

of ‘notables’ through the 3 1/2 star restaurant.

Separately, I believe that Angela will always tell people about how she served Robert Redford chocolate and touched his back as he walked away in linen pants down the driveway of the winery that the event was held in California. He gazed into her eyes longingly as if he had more to say.. well, that is her version. Could have been he just needed some chocolate, but she doubts it, and that is the story I stick with, because that is marriage.

While living in San Francisco I worked at Fog City Diner and Lauren Hutton

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was having lunch with a friend who is a regular client of the restaurant. I asked Ms. Hutton how she was doing, she had just recovered from really bad motorcycle accident: Lauren likes to ride Ducati’s, considered the fasted motorcycle on earth. She said she was doing really well but had a problem. She had busted her watch, her Fog City Diner watch!

Wondering if I had any black ones in the case that she could buy, I ran and got one toot-sweet! She gave me her credit card and I placed the watch on her wrist. It was a little to big, so Ms. Hutton ask me, “Carolyn this is to big and I know you have a hammer in the back. Could you punch a hole in the wristband”? So, here I am in the bakery pounding a new hole with a hammer into the Fog City Diner watchband that will walk away with Lauren Hutton. I will forever remain on her wrist!! I also had to bust Carrie Fischer for smoking in the bathroom.

How did you start cooking? How did food become your passion and your job?

I started in the business by busing tables, moved into the kitchen working in Pastry and Pantry and then Grill/

Sauteé and then to the Front of the House. I have worked every position within the industry and for me it is not so much the passion for cooking but the passion for service. I thrive on the craziness of the front of the house and customer/client relations. I am a junky for solving problems on-the-fly and orchestrating what can be considered chaos in the eyes of the vast majority of individuals. Our business is not for the faint at heart, it is physical, demanding, stressful but the rewards are massive and failure is not an option; and that is just one night.

I had a very chaotic childhood, and my center was always found in the kitchen. My mother was an executive, in the 1980’s, which meant we did not see her much during the week. Sunday’s were her one day she really spent in the kitchen, and I found myself lingering in the kitchen more times than not. I always found comfort in the kitchen. When I had my kids, they were very premature and very ill. I knew I had to make as much of their food from scratch as possible, to help boost their immune system’s.

As the chaos of my life continues, I discovered the kitchen as my safe place, it was the only place in my life where I had control over everything.

Cooking became my therapy to com-

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bat the endless uncontrollable’s in my life. I lost myself and I forgot all the shit that was going on, as I focused on recreating flavors or concocting new soups or dishes, in my own little controllable world. Cooking was my safe place, my escape, my therapy. Cooking is not really work to me, and that is pretty awesome.

Is the source of your ingredients important to you? To your dishes? Tell us a little bit about sourcing ingredients and composing a meal from the ground up.

Ingredients make everything. It is hard to make good food with subpar products. It is hard to make anything of value with subpar products. Plus, this is a business of sales and if the end product does not

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meet the client’s value for the money, you will not be successful.

People eat with their eyes first, nose second and mouth last. If it looks good and smells good, we have you 98% already there to liking the dish. One of the reasons we chose Dubuque is that there has been a large Farmer’s Market in place since 1846.

There were more natural and organic farmers in a 50 to 100 mile distance around Dubuque that anywhere else in the country and no one else offers what we offer at Life’s a Feast.

How do your sexual identities help shape your careers? Have you ever faced discrimination from clients, competitors, or strangers?

Interestingly enough, our sexual identities didn’t really influence or impact our lives too much, because our industry is filled with every walk of life.

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It is almost a requirement to fly your “freak flag” and we mean that in the best way!! Yes, discrimination happens. Trust us, we were out lesbian parents in the late 90’s. We got all kinds of discrimination, but not from our clients or our industry. Our clients usually end up becoming our friends: we text, check on each other. That is a gift. It’s truly something we hold tight and that makes us proud of our business.

As for competitors, if that is what they want to hang their hat on, the fact that we are gay and therefore ‘bad’, then that is on them. We don’t have time for that. But competition is good for business, it keeps you on your toes

and keeps your business ever evolving. We focus on the experience and the food for our clients, not what another catering company is doing.

We try to keep our chins up. We have heard some riff-raff, but for us, that says nothing about us and and everything about the people talking.

Strangers? Whatever! Haters gonna hate!

What is it like to share a career with your partner – stressful? fulfilling? a constant opportunity to learn? Examples, please!

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Some days are great, some days are challenging.

We share all the successes and all the trips in the carpet. We met at work and from an early point in our relationship we realized that we could work and play together. It is terrifying and stressful to strike out on your own with no safety net or backing. Just the knowledge that the person that stands next to you has your back and will work just as tirelessly to succeed. Remember earlier I said, “Failure is not an option”? That is true for us. Not many can say that their company can cook onsite with no real kitchen, a couple of grills, some coolers, a couple of hot

boxes and pull off a seven course wine tasting dinner overlooking the Mississippi River at dusk. We can, and that is because we trust and believe in each other. We share the whole event’s failures and successes, and we know every event is a learning experience: make it better, smoother, faster without giving up service. We even take the time to appreciate the little fox that joined

our team as we cooked along the Mississippi river and kept watch over us as we worked that event.

After nineteen years of living and working together, we have recognized that we are deeply connected.

What are successes in our business are also successes in our relationship and we honor the good and learn from the not-so-good.

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What’s the most difficult job you’ve ever taken on together, in your career or in life as a whole?

Being parents when neither society nor our families were very supportive. I also had to learn how to understand issues of depression and anxiety so that I could support my wife and then later my children.

Oh sweet mother… that is the million dollar question!

Starting this business was a walk in the park compared to bringing this amazing woman into my life, to have the joys and failure of parenthood of our children.

Neither of our families were fully on board, our children’s father was three unicorns short of supportive, society didn’t know what to do with us, and one of our daughters struggles significantly with mental health issues.

Nothing about our lives has been normal, and I have always joked that normal is boring.

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As for work related, there have been a couple of events I should have stuck to my gut and said no. But that is life, lessons are always there to teach you if you can just open your eyes. There will always be ‘the nasty ones’, regardless of your industry. What is great about growing, as an individual AND a business, is knowing that you did your best, and your intent was pure. There will still be someone with an opinion… that is not reflective of who you really are, regardless of their words.

P.S. I thank my amazing therapist for those coping skills!

What do you think about food porn? We know food porn itself has nothing to do with love, but has there ever been an occasion when a food experience led to enrichment of your love?

Good food is sexy and great food is orgasmic. There are wines and dishes that we have experienced that we will never forget; just like a good fuck.

Oh please… I am active food porn participant and aficionado! I often tell potential clients to check out my food porn on our Facebook

page. Food is sexy, especially if someone takes the time to make it visually sexy.

Food can absolutely trigger the same physical reactions as some heavy petting.

For those who wonder whether food can truly be a sexual element, I implore you to watch 9 1/2 weeks, with Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke, because... wow! But truly, to me, food is sexy, seriously fucking sexy. I work to make a meal that lingers in a person’s mind. That’s what it is truly all about. I want my food to be memorable, a menu you could cite verbatim.

What advice can you offer amateurs on eating well and using food as a force for good in our lives?

We are all keepers of our bodies. The only advice I have for readers is to respect your body like it is the only vessel you have… because it is!!

Now, we ourselves, find this a great challenge, so it is important to note that this is a mission, not an amendment. But the journey is about learning

to love our selves, and feeding your body REAL foods is a big part of that.

Our one bit of advice is to learn a few basic kitchen skills and start drawing your main food source from your own

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kitchen, with natural fresh food, where every ingredient is pronouncable. It seems scary, but it is really not. There is a deep satisfaction with cooking your own food, spiritually and financially, and it is easier and cheaper than more people realize.

What are some of your favorite qualities in your partner? What advice can each of you offer to LGBTQ+ couples on facing adversity, working together, and maintaining a happy partnership?

Angela is wicked smart and just as funny, her loyalties do not waver and although we both are Scorpios, she is the true Scorpio. Her love is all inclusive, her energy infectious and she loves me wholly, good or bad, sick or well, asshole or not. I think that every couple at some point faces adversity, it is unavoidable, remember that you are there together not alone; lean on each other. As for working together, respect what each other brings to the table but because it is only the two of you, learn to know that one is not pushing the other out because of control or disrespect; it is just what needs to happen at the moment.

My parents were married for over 60 years, had 7 children with all the trials and tribu-

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lations that accompany any family of that size. But they committed to each other and took those vows seriously.

Laughter and communication are paramount to a successful relationship, for life is difficult and you have got to be able to talk about situations that are not comfortable and respect that fact that it is not just about you; but about both of you and then about all of you. For the most part though, the most wonderful thing is to share the journey of life with someone who loves you, cares for you and would not think that life could be any better without them. This is how I feel about Angela.

I am pretty sure I could write a novella on all the reasons I love Carolyn. I know, it is almost gross, our love and admiration for each other.

I won’t bullshit you and tell you we don’t fight, my lord, we are both Scorpios, but in the end, I believe, regardless of our dispute, we both come out better human beings from it all, because we hold each other so accountable for our actions. Over the past nineteen years, we have learned the power of conversation.

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If you do not feel comfortable openly discussing your problems with your partner, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Because, the reality is, nothing gets ‘easier’ and you cannot just pretend it isn’t an issue, because longevity in a relationship is based on honesty. Truths can be painful, but they are the only path to a future.

P.S. We had an amazing therapist help us with this and would be more than happy to share if people were interested.

What place does food hold in your relationship today?

My world is food, from the potato wrapped shrimp on a bed of spinach with a lemon cream sauce for a client, to the cream of tomato and garlic soup with a gruyere and fontina grilled cheese on a snowy day because I had all the ingredients, I live food, I dream food, I breathe food... and I love every second of it!

Everyday with food can be an adventure with us, but sometimes, you just need a burger from Paul’s!!!

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ARTWORK

ART

10 Again

by Drew Foronda

This piece was inspired by events in my life that are hard to discuss and were very painful. However, through art, I feel I can communicate my feelings in a way that also helps elicit emotions from others. This is something only art can do. This piece is called “10 Again� because when I returned home for the first time after leaving, it seemed as if I was reliving all the feelings I suffered when I was 10 years old. I love the omniscience of the person standing in the doorway: the shadow.

As the artist, I know exactly who that shadow represents. However, as a viewer I love that it could be anyone, from myself looking at my past, to my abusers looking in, maybe even the viewer looking in.

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Find more of Drew’s art on Instagram @drewdrawz01

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SHATTERING TABOOS AT NOTY KITY Q: Tell us about yourself. Who are you?

How did you arrive at this place in your life?

A: My name is Monique Demerise, but everybody knows me as Mona. I’m 34 years old, and I came from the East Coast to the Midwest as a professional body piercer. I retired from that in June and decided to see what my other options were. There was a new business opening up in Galena – Noty Kity, which is an adult boutique. I’ve always been comfortable and open with my own sexuality. I’m able to talk to anyone about anything openly, without embarrassment or shame. I picked up that job and found it was a hidden talent of mine, working with people who are both open and shy about their private lives.

When it comes to sex, not everybody is open with other people, let alone open with themselves, about what they like. That can

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be hard because sex is something that brings us joy.

Q: We know you have many skills and passions.

Please share them with us.

A: I’m passionate about many things!

Cooking, nature, cats, art, music – all of it. Little bits in each category. My best skills are customer service,working with people, working with the community. No matter what kind of job I’m doing, in some way I’m serving the community.

Q: How do you think your work touches the lives of your customers and other people?

A: I’ve met so many couples [and] singles who have problems with intimacy. What I love about what I do is, because I am a people person, I can get them to let their guard down and open up to me and, you know, tell me what it is they’re trying to achieve.

Sometimes I run into couples that have been married for twenty something years who stumble into our store not looking for those

types of products or to change anything about their intimacy… but once you start talking to them, you can see that something missing, or that there could be more. You can sense tension in their relationship, and sometimes it’s sexually related because they don’t know how to open up to each other.

I’m the middleman there. Tell me what it is that you want, and then maybe I can help explain that to your partner, and then we can all come to an agreement.

Q: Once people actually get into bed with each other, I think there’s a sort of embarrassment to say what our own desires are. We get shy about saying what we want. Even then, we’re not always centered on our partner’s desires, either.

We are thinking, “What do I want?” but we’re not saying it.

A: Exactly!

Q: Why do you think that is?

A: It can be with a new couple, or with couples that have been together for thirty years. Some people have the inability to be honest with themselves, and you can’t be honest with others until you are honest with yourself. Maybe it’s out of embarrassment or self-shame, which is ridiculous because there is nothing to be ashamed about. If you like something, you like something. Own it!

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Also, I find it really cool and fulfilling that no matter what the situation is – whether it’s a single or a couple, or a person who is straight or a person who is gay – I get to play a small role in their personal, private intimacy. I love that. Like, somebody buys something and then they use it either by themselves or with their partner, and somewhere in the back of their mind there is a, “Thank you! Thank you, saleslady!

You just made my life so much better.”

Knowing that you get to play that role in other peoples’ intimacy is really cool.

Q: So you get to be the cause of someone else’s pleasure.

A: Exactly! It’s not about the sales. I mean, I can sell expensive, high-end products all day long – it isn’t about that. It’s about fitting a person for the product that they may not know they want or need. After talking to them, they start to open up because they are comfortable with you. They’re comfortable with you because you’re comfortable with yourself. You start to learn, and next thing you know, everybody’s happy.

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Q: What kinds of reactions do you see when people enter the store?

A: Oh boy! A couple comes in and the female is super excited, like, “Oh my God! This is so great! This is awesome!” and the husband doesn’t want to walk past the door. He thinks, “This is for the women,” or, “This is not my thing.” He’s just kind of shy about it. Then you get people who come in and once they realize what kind of store we are, they walk right out. Or we get people who come in, have never been in a business like that and are really curious, want to be educated, want to know what are these products, what do

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they do. All kinds of different reactions from all kinds of people. You never know; it’s always something different.

Q: Is there a big diversity of customers that enter the store?

A: Absolutely. You have your regular locals, who are familiar with these products. If you’re type of person who buys this type of products regularly, you’re looking for the next new thing, so it’s really important that we keep up with technology and what’s new. Then, tourists. There are two kinds of tourists. Some come in and they already know what we sell, what we do, and are ecstatic because we’re there.

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They’re not from town, and now they get to maybe pick out something new and play with it while they’re away from home. Or else you get tourists that come in and have never been to a shop like ours before. That will go one of two ways: “Oh! Whoops!

Nope. Sorry. This isn’t what I thought it was,” or there are people, again, who are

curious – those are my favorite kind of people because you can tell that they have open minds and that they want to learn.

Q: Do you think you break or reinforce any taboos in your day-to-day work?

How? A: Absolutely. For instance, we have a fetish section. When people think of fetish or BDSM, I think that they think it’s taboo.

They automatically go to “It’s wrong,” or

“It’s supposed to be painful,” or, you know, “You either need to be submissive or dominant.” The fetish wall is my favorite part of the whole store because when you use something as simple as a blindfold or some fluffy handcuffs, what you are doing is losing a sense. Then, you open up new senses. If you blindfold yourself, now, all of a sudden, you are using your touch, smell, taste senses more than you would if you could see. If you use some wrist restraints, now you eliminate the touch sense, being touched without being able to touch. That allows you to focus on other senses, too. There is a lot of taboo surrounding our products, but I think the most important part is educating people, showing them there’s no taboo; it’s just different for everybody. If you try something, you might like it. That’s how I feel about that.

Q: In regards to fetishes and BDSM… maybe people shouldn’t be so afraid of pain. If you consider the fullest extent of pain, versus the full extent pleasure, we express them both the same way.

A: Absolutely. I think that even with pain can come pleasure. Orgasming,

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urinating, pooping, vomiting – you throw up, it’s miserable, you feel better afterwards. It’s all the same, you just have to look at it that way. Pain doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it can be very pleasurable, and until you try, how are you going to know? It’s about expanding your mind, being open to ideas and possibilities. If you don’t, then you are really not doing yourself any justice.

You are shutting yourself off from things you could possibly really enjoy. So, it’s about having an open mind, I think.

Q: Do you think there are many taboos surrounding the idea of shops like Noty Kity in general?

A: Oh sure!

Q: Do you help break those taboos?

A: Yes. It all revolves around your ability to have an open mind and see things through other people’s eyes, to see things… to see things! Don’t be so blind to all of the possibilities. You help break them through education. Once you educate somebody, they start to look at things differently. If they have never been educated on it before because they never asked, how are they going to know? Yes, that happens all the time.

Q: How is Noty Kity and other stores like it relevant to the LGBTQ+

community as well as the straight community?

A: Yes, Noty Kity is a sex shop; we like to call it an adult boutique. There is a stigma around sex shops because they are all different. Some of them offer videos, magazines and booths, are kind of dark and dingy, and the employees don’t interact with you. Noty Kity is special because we are fun. We like to call ourselves a boutique because we do more than just toys. We don’t even do videos, booths, magazines or anything like that. Again, education, education. We have pamphlets all around our shop, free for the taking, on lubrication, on vibrators, on anal, on BDSM. We offer literature for you to take. You don’t even have to buy anything!

We want you to be educated about what all of these things are. We are unique because

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we really do try to create a fun, interactive, educational environment. That’s what people love about it, even if they aren’t familiar with these types of shops. If you come in here with an open mind, you are going to have a good time, and you are going to learn something, and that’s what I love about Noty Kity.

In addition, we are a boutique for everyone. We are for male, female, single, married, straight, gay. We have products for everybody. We don’t try to cater to one or the other. I don’t know if it’s because of the location, but one thing I think we are lacking is gay men. I don’t know if that’s just because gay men don’t shop in retail

stores, or they do all of their shopping online because, you know, some people prefer to shop online… we also have an online store. When you can tell that somebody is interested, but not ready to buy; we always give them our business card and say, “Hey. Take what you’ve learned here, go into the comfort of your home, take your clothes off, and do some shopping. Or keep your clothes on – do some shopping, you know, continue to browse.”

Whether you’re straight or LGBTQ+, I think that we accommodate for everybody and make everybody feel comfortable. And it would be nice to actually see more local LGBT people come in. I think

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they would say, “This is great! This is in my community and I don’t have to resort online shopping.” The problem with online shopping is that you never know what you are actually going to get.

When you come into our store, we’re gonna educate you about each product.

We have products out of their boxes, all charged up, with batteries in them.

You can pick stuff up, turn it on, and see what it does. That’s the first thing I tell people when they go to our middle room – we have three rooms. The first room is PG-13, and then we have two more rooms – I always say, “Don’t be afraid. Pick something up, turn it on, and see what it does.” When I say we are interactive, that’s what I mean. We are giving you an opportunity to pick these products up and see what they do before resorting to online shopping.

Q: How do people react to having that opportunity? Do they have fun with it?

A: Yes, it is so fun! We do like little vibrator races. We’ll be like, “Okay, everybody pick up a vibrator,” and we’ll do these races where they put them on the floor and whoever wins gets a free gift, which is really fun. We’ll take a bride to be and tie her to a pole and give everybody dongs to take pictures; these are memories that they’ll have for the rest of their lives. That’s what we try to do: make it fun, and the experience you will never forget.

Q: What unique and specific approaches you take to better understand and meet the needs of LGBT customers?

A: Personally, I feel like everybody is the same and that everybody is equal, and we want everybody feel comfortable no matter what your age is (unless you are under 18), what your sexual orientation is, what your race is. When somebody walks in the door, it’s just another human to me and everybody gets the same treatment.

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Q: Right. Every human has their own personal desires.

A: And none of them are wrong, as far as I am concerned. Again, it’s – what pleases you, and it doesn’t really matter if it pleases somebody else.

Q: Do you ever notice someone who is shy and embarrassed to shop in Noty Kity? What do you do to help them feel comfortable?

A: Oh yeah. All the time. People come in and we’ll be like, “Hi! Welcome to Noty Kity!” We are welcoming because we want you to feel welcomed and for you

to feel like it’s a warm, happy place. “Is there anything specific that you might be looking for?” If they say no with their head down, trying not to make eye contact, then we just kind of let them browse and explore, give them some time to take it in.

You don’t want to be overbearing because that’s just not nice. When I know somebody is shy and maybe even a little embarrassed, I just approach them. Instead of being overly excited, I am calm and I use a nice, calm, relaxing voice, and whatever they might be look-

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ing at, I will start to explain what they’re looking at. One of two things will happen: they’ll just be like, “Nope!” and they don’t want to have a conversation with you, or they will start to open and warm up to you.

I think it’s important that, as an employee, you are able to read people and give them the space that they need, and when they start to relax a little bit, you know, you start to engage with them. I try to keep it less intense, because not everybody wants that or likes that.

Q: Why should I shop at Noty Kity?

What can you show me that might improve the quality of my life?

A: You should shop at Noty Kity especially if you are local because we offer a ten percent discount to anybody that lives within a 30-mile radius of Galena, so that’s a benefit all by itself.

You save money and get to be educated by somebody in person versus, like I said, online shopping. Also, you don’t have to travel to Madison or Davenport anymore. We’re right here in your hometown. So why not?

Shopping local is important – we all know that. By offering a discount to locals, we’re encouraging you to shop local. And, if you come in, you are

going to see products that you might not even know exist, that might be beneficial to your sexual health, and that might provide you with pleasures that you might not have known existed.

Q: How do your experiences at work carry over into and affect your personal life?

A: I’ve always tried to maintain some type of a barrier between my personal professional lives. If anything, working for Noty Kity has expanded my mind into the realms of different pleasures and things I like that I didn’t realize I liked, and that goes with having partners. I don’t have a partner now, but if I did, maybe I would even be more open-minded to understanding what their needs and what their pleasures are.

Q: So, you feel like you are better equipped to communicate with your partners?

A: That’s right. Definitely. If I had a partner, I feel like it would be much easier to communicate with them and make them feel comfortable communicating with me.

Q: Awesome! Is there anything else you want to add?

A: Peace, love, and happiness.

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Seth Godwin is an aspiring photographer , cinematographer and writer. Born and raised in Dubuque, IA, he lives in Los Angeles. You can find more of Seth’s work here: twitter.com/seth7123 instagram.com/seth7123

Pride Comet Before the Fall I

by Scott ’Scottie Q’ Reimer

t’s that time of the year again. PRIDE! Every June the LGBTQ+ community and its allies gather to celebrate. I love Pride month. I love the parades. I love to see communities flock together to celebrate our dynamic and amazing diversity. It’s a truly awe-inspiring thing.

Yet as much as I revel in seeing the parades & picnics, the speeches & celebrations; I’m reminded that so few of those celebrating, really and truly know what Pride is about. That the youngest of us, simply don’t understand the blood and treasure that have been spilled, sacrificed, and lost.

With that in mind, let’s attack this simply: Pride month is held in June to commemorate the Stonewall Riots. That canonizing night in gay history, when a group of rebellious drag queens and bar patrons refused to succumb to further oppression by the New York City police. June 29th, 1969. That’s the ‘when and where’ our

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modern Pride rises from. It was called the Gay Liberation Movement then. The movement that pushed society to understand that the gay and lesbian population weren’t out to destroy their suburban families. The movement that brought us out of the shadows and let us live, and love, in the light of day.

This wasn’t a simple thing. It wasn’t simply rallying your fortitude and chilling your fear. This was life & death.

To be seen as a homosexual, or anything other than heterosexual, was truly life threatening. I proudly smile, in-and-outwardly, when I see a young, twenty-something, gay couple wandering through a city festival hand-in-hand. I exude pride and happiness when I see a group of young people gathered, not because of their

similarities, but despite their differences.

These seemingly simple acts were inconceivable for the LGBTQ+ population less than fifty years ago. And it’s something that we should all strive to hold onto.

“IF THIS ARTICLE DOESN’T SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, WE’RE IN REAL TROUBLE!” Just a short 35 years ago, at the beginning of the HIV/AIDS pandemic, these words headlined an article for a local NYC magazine. Larry Kramer was a firebrand in the early days of the fight against HIV/ AIDS. He was a founder of the Gay Men’s Health Crisis & ACT UP. He knew

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it was necessary as a call to arms for gay men. It was intended to scare people into action. People were aware of AIDS. People knew this ‘gay cancer’ was killing hundreds, then thousands. But they, in Kramer’s opinion, weren’t doing enough to stand up and fight against it.

I want to be clear: I am not proposing that our community is entreating into a war like our previous generation fought!

They were literally fighting for their lives.

The very survival of the gay population hung in the balance. They were battling previously held stigmas about homosexuals, establishing a new social structure,

and a plague that seemed to have crosshairs painted squarely on the back of gay men. Kramer felt it was incumbent on his contemporaries to stand up and make it known that they were dying. They were dying and the perception, the reality, was the medical establishment nor the US government were truly trying to help.

It was at a time that the LGBT movement had finally gained a full head of steam forward. They had defeated Anita Bryant.

Harvey Milk’s election and assassination had galvanized San Francisco and communities across the country. It seemed like the LGBT community, writ large, was

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inching slowly, yet steadily, toward inclusion and acceptance. Then the ravages of AIDS bore its head out of the darkness and started to peel back every advance the LGBT community had made. But even in those dark days, months, & years, our previous victories could stand as the steeled spine of our community. The infrastructure to disseminate information (in the age before the internet), the beginnings of a rapid response strategy, the core tenants of what we now know as the LGBTQ+ community.

So, it’s with that history in mind, and the Pride month we currently celebrate, that I

reiterate the words of Larry Kramer from decades past,

“IF THIS ARTICLE DOESN’T SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, WE’RE IN REAL TROUBLE!” The LGBTQ+ community once again is coming under assault. Not with the freight train effect of HIV/AIDS, or the publicity-seeking strategy of Anita Bryant. It’s coming at us piecemeal. The broader news of the day, buries the head-

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lines regarding our community. Be not mistaken, we are under fire, and if we don’t stand up, the last half-century of battles waged, fought, and won could be thrown into the trash heap of history.

He appointed an associate Justice to the US Supreme Court who has a very clear record decrying marriage equality. The Secretary of Education removed protections for Trans students.

Our community has grown, both in population and strength. We have national voices to stand up to the divisive & corrosive efforts of the current administration and the politics they represent. Organizations like Human Rights Campaign, GLAAD, Lambda Legal, and many more fight the good fight daily. But these amazing organizations can only do so much. They need the support of those they represent. Lately, we so often get bogged down in the political correctness of nomenclature, the hurried pace to gain more of the successes that took decades to secure. The masses are missing the communal shots across the bow that could very well sink us.

The President also signed an executive order removing tax status restrictions on religious institutions, making it easier for religion to be used to push political agendas. This order is the fore-runner of the ‘religious liberty’ laws signed into effect by some governors (including VP Pence).

These laws allow businesses to openly discriminate against LGBTQ+ clients, giving those discriminated against no legal recourse. (Think the 1950’s South.) They are attacking the foundation of LGBTQ+ rights with a pitch fork, chipping away the legacy of generations before us.

The election of Donald Trump to the Presidency of the United States, and the politics he represents, are using the cover of their scandals to do real harm to the community we are all members of. Within moments of taking the oath of office, the newly minted Trump administration wiped any reference of ‘LGBTQ+” from the White House website.

Mr. Trump signed executive orders reversing the efforts taken by President Obama to ensure that anti-lgbt discrimination had no place in the Federal Government.

We must stand up. We must speak loudly.

We must take our stand as our predecessors have. As John F. Kennedy said with such wisdom:

“The torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans…”

Will you take a stand? Will you call your representatives at the Statehouse and Congress? We cannot take for granted the victories of the past. We cannot simply sit on our hands and then cry out when our rights are torn away. This is not a time to be ‘disaffected’ or believe that politics ‘doesn’t affect me.’

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Consider looking into the eyes of a 15-year-old LGBTQ+ person in ten years when they ask, “How did we lose everything?”

Consider the questions of your children when they ask, “I read that gay couples used to be able to get married? Why not now?”

Consider the fate of those that will come after us. Do you want our future generations to have to endure more hate? Do you want those crimes to no longer be considered ‘hate crimes’?

As I close out this article that will be seen by some as a preachy, reactionary, overblown rant. I simply ask this one thing: As you sit sipping Red Bull & Vodka, as you smile, watching your friends and neighbors revel in this year’s Pride: Remember your history.

Enjoy the Present.

Protect the Future.

Happy Pride Everybody! Cheers!

During these hot summer days of Pride, when we enjoy the togetherness of our communities, keep these things in mind.

Do what you can do, what you must do, to keep Pride alive for all those generations to come.

Engage your community. Engage your representatives.

Like the man said, “Be the future you want to see in the world.”

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Spotted hyenas are one of many members of the animal kingdom that mates with a same sex partner - and sometimes mates for life.

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Phillip & Vee

P

hillip hated the drive home. It wasn’t particularly arduous, nor was it dangerous. The only factor that made the ten mile exercise daunting was, simply, boredom. After living most of his adult life in Tempe, Arizona, Phillip had been overjoyed to find himself in Iowa. The bland reds, tans and browns swapped for luscious greens. The overt tapestry of fallen leaves in the fall had also been a welcome sight.

What he hadn’t been prepared for, wasn’t the winter, but the short time directly before it. After the last leaves had finally given up their grip and tumbled to the ground, but before the flurries of snow began to coat everything in bright, pure dazzling white. In that short interim, the entire state seemed to become white-

washed, and appear only in shades of gray.

The fields had all been harvested, leaving only dry husks and furrowed mounds of dirt. The bare trunks of trees appeared gray and lifeless. It certainly didn’t help much that the sun was semi-permanently hidden in the overcast sky.

Phillip sighed and adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. Even the old country highway he was driving down was gray, having been made of pavement as opposed to asphalt. If it weren’t for the bright yellow lines down the center of the road, he’d probably fall into wondering if he’d actually lost the ability to see colors.

His mind drifted off for a moment, following that line of thought.

“I wonder if that’s actually a thing…”

Phillip said aloud to the empty car. “Late

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onset complete color blindness. I bet Vee would probably know. I’ll have to ask him when I get home.” Phillip shook his head and returned to the present, just in time to see a speed limit sign. It was one of the few landmarks available to navigate. He was almost home.

For the last four years, since he’d moved to Iowa, Phillip had lived in, and now around, the city of Dubuque. It was a decent place, the people were nice, but he found it dreadfully boring. Compared to the sights and smells, the hustle and bustle of the cities he’d previously lived in, Dubuque’s historic calm, and serene beauty were almost...too quiet.

When he’d first moved in, it had been himself, Vee and four other roommates living in a small house in a residential neighborhood. Two of the roommates had gotten married, and moved out to start their lives together. Another had moved to Indianapolis, with his long time girlfriend. The fourth had more-or-less dropped off the face of the planet, choosing an over-the-road trucking career and living in the tractor-trailer instead of renting a place he’d almost never see.

After that, Phillip and Vee had moved to a large place on Main Street. It had been right in the heart of Dubuque’s downtown district. It had been nice, but expensive.

Finally, they’d found their current home.

It was a small farmhouse, a few miles out from the city. It had a modestly sized

yard, and solitude. It was surrounded on three sides by fields, also owned by the man they were renting the house from.

The place had all of the rustic charm that Phillip had come to expect of Iowa, and also happened to be in their price range.

Slowing down just enough to make the corner, Phillip turned onto an old dirt road. He knew that he was being too hard on the city. Most of the hardships he’d experienced since moving there had either been his own fault, or of no relationship to Dubuque itself.

He tried to focus on the happier memories, and there were quite a few. Hiking among the hills and cliffs. Walking out and looking over the grand beauty of the Mississippi. Even all of the people he’d met. It was difficult to attribute a word to, or even put a palpable statistic to, but there was just something different about the midwest. It was subtle, but most definitely noticeable.

He slowed slightly at the top of a hill.

From that spot, he could gaze down onto his favorite view, not only in all of Dubuque, but probably the entire world.

Nestled firmly at the base of the hill, surrounded by a thin perimeter of trees, was his home.

It was a small, somewhat old-fashioned farm house. Two stories, painted white, with black trim. The gray tin roof parted slightly around a brick

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chimney, which was purely aesthetic.

The lawn, neatly mowed not long ago, was just starting to appear unkempt. Phillip vaguely wondered if it would need to be mowed again. That was definitely a question Vee would be able to answer.

Phillip pulled up the gravel driveway and paused for a moment before getting out of the car. He was looking up at the house.

The drapes were all pulled, making the windows appear black from outside.

Cement steps led up to the front door.

Given the motif of everyday life in postfall, pre-winter Iowa, he wasn’t a fan of the color scheme, but for better or worse, it was home.

He stepped out of the car and stretched.

It was cold outside, as December should be. But the constant breeze, the seemingly ceaseless gusts, had vanished. The air had taken on a strange, hushed sensation. It almost felt as though the world were building up to some unknown conclusion. Phillip shrugged, and made his way to the house.

Inside, with the door shut firmly, the cold of the outdoors was almost completely forgotten. The heat was on, as it had been for weeks. More than that, though, was the heat that carried with it a scent. The telltale hint of savory meat, and what Phillip assumed were vegetables.

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The front door led directly into a small mud room. He deposited his coat onto a standing rock, and stepped into the kitchen. The warmth and smells enveloped him almost immediately. It was a large, country-style kitchen that had been recently redone.

Bright and shiny linoleum reflected the overhead lighting, giving an added depth to the hanging and under-counter cabinets. The appliances had all been replaced with their newest counterparts. One of the best details, though, was the picture windows, just above the sink, looking out across the backyard.

Phillip’s favorite part of the kitchen wasn’t a permanent facet, but a frequent

one nonetheless. Standing in front of the oven, wearing a plain black apron and stirring a pot, was Vee. Vincent, or Vee for short, had been born and raised in rural Iowa. He’d never lived without the ever-present greenery of his home state, and never escaped the constant, looming threat of winter that accompanied it. The furthest he’d ever been from Iowa, Vee would often explain, was his trip to Arizona, to bring Phillip home.

Taking care to move as silently as he could, Phillip slipped out of his shoes and began tip-toeing his way across the kitchen. Vee was in a world of his own, bobbing his head along to whatever song

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he happened to have gotten stuck. He never saw it coming.

Phillip snuck up behind him, and in one fluid movement wrapped his arms around Vee’s stomach.

Vee jumped, his entire body going rigid for a moment, before he turned around.

“God! You scared the crap out of me!”

Though he was trying to scold Phillip, he had a wide smile on his face, and a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Oh, you love it.”

Phillip helped Vee finish up cooking, and they ate dinner together while speaking about their respective days. Vee worked from home, making his inputs more about the weather and trending news reports. For Phillip, it was mostly anhy difficult calls he’d had to take, or any fun happenings around the office.

They had at one point discussed, and occasionally revisited, the percentage of adult life that was nothing but mundane. It had been difficult for both of them to accept, but over time they had.

With dinner completed, and the dishes started in the dishwasher, the two fell into an easy, contented silence. It was a part of their everyday life. After work, the two would cook together, eat, then separate for a moment of decompression.

Phillip sat at his desk, checking through various social networks. Vee, not far

away, was lying on the sofa, book in hand. Occasionally, Phillip would look up and glance at Vee. His face always seems so calm, so placid. It had been a long standing mystery as to what thoughts may be swirling beneath the smooth surface.

He was currently entertaining such curiosities, and also reconsidering his harsh critique of Iowa from earlier, when Vee suddenly set his book aside, and stood up. Phillip watched him, various.

Vee walked slowly over to a small closet, and grabbed a blanket, draping it over the couch. He then disappeared into the kitchen. Phillip could hear drawers open and close, and rustling.

After a moment, Vee returned, carrying a candle.

“What are you doing?” Phillip finally asked.

“Come here.” Vee smiled, He lit the candle, and set it on the small coffee table in front of the couch. As Phillip stood, Vee flicked a light switch, casting the room into relative darkness.

“Okay, but…” Phillip moved through the darkroom, dodging the silhouettes of furniture, “I’m still validly curious as to what you’re doing.”

Vee continued to smile, the expression almost becoming frightening in the candlelight. Phillip sat on the couch, pull-

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ing the blanket over him. It was a thick quilt, evidently handmade. He couldn’t recall where they’d gotten it.

Vee moved to a window, opposite the couch. The drapes were closed, offering privacy and helping to keep the warmth in. He grabbed onto the fabric and in a fluid, languid movement cast them open.

was finally coming in full bore. Inside, in the warm orange light of the candle, with Vee sitting with him beneath the old quilt, Phillip had to smile. He had most certainly, he decided, been much too harsh on his critique of Iowa earlier. He leaned down and kissed Vee. Iowa was everything he could have ever wanted.

The view was fairly minimal. The window opened onto the front yard. A light, perched on top of a large pole supporting the house’s power lines, illuminated a small circle of the yard. Generally, Phillip wasn’t a fan of the view.

The solitary yard light casting a cold, white glow into the lonely darkness of their empty yard. The entire scene just seemed...melancholy.

As vee sat next to him, though, Phillip realized it was entirely different.

Outside, the overcast sky had finally burst, letting loose the flurries it had held back. The flakes, small and fleeting, flashed in great waves across the light in the yard. The way they moved and swirled within the light was spell binding.

Vee slid beneath the blanket, and moved to rest his head on Phillip’s shoulder. Phillip smiled, and wrapped his arm around Vee. Outside, winter

Jeremy Stough is an Iowa native, currently living in Dubuque, Iowa with his partner Scott, and their guinea pig, Chabi. ‘Nostalgia’ was his first publication in Co-ZINE, and in the months since, several segments of Phillip & Vee’s story have been shared.

The chapter above is the first in the story.

You can read more of Phillip & Vee in back issues of Co-ZINE.

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SCYLLA KONE

B

eing raised by a single lesbian mother and having an interest in androgyny, fashion, and queer pop culture, it should come as no surprise that I turned out to be a drag queen. Throughout life, I’ve found myself enjoying the aesthetics and humor of androgynous and trans celebrities such as Jeffree Star, Johnnyboyxo and Chris Crocker. I thought their modes of self-expression through comedy and visual art were exciting and refreshing as opposed to heteronormative pop culture.

It really took off a few years ago. My friend Emilia introduced me to a show on YouTube known as “Willam’s Beatdown”. It was a show where drag celebrity Willam Belli would react to internet videos by using insult humor against the people shown in the videos. At the time I had no idea how big drag culture was, or even who RuPaul was, but it wasn’t long before I fell into the rabbit hole of binge-watching movies, shows, and videos surrounding drag.

I started watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race”, a reality show about drag queens com-

by Noah Stillmunkes

peting in challenges involving comedy, acting, dancing, and fashion. I was very inspired to start doing drag by Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon, Milk, but most of all, Trixie Mattel. Trixie made me believe there were no boundaries in drag.

You could paint your face as crazily as you wanted to and still be a success. I was absolutely devastated when she was sent home so early in season seven. I knew that later, one of the eliminated contestants would return, so I promised myself that I would start practicing drag if it was Trixie. Needless to say, her return to the competition was final factor that helped me decide to pursue my interest in drag.

The following summer, I got my first job.

I was sixteen and spent all of my money on drag: makeup, wigs, costumes, shoes.

I spent more than $1,300 on drag in less than six months. Now, even though I had all of the materials, I had no idea how to use them. I came across a profile on Facebook for “Jonathan Ramirez” and noticed the nickname “Anabelle Lektor”.

I creeped through his profile and instantly became obsessed with his makeup artistry.

To show my appreciation of his work, I

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jokingly posted on his wall, “Teach me how to make-up!” I didn’t know it yet, but that post was the catalyst for a friendship that would change my life forever.

He sent me a message expressing how he’d be happy to help me with makeup, to give me advice and tips. I practiced making myself up in my bedroom frequently, showing him the outcome, gratefully absorbing his constructive critique and advice. Over time, we became more than teacher and student. We became best friends. We talked about more than just makeup and drag – we talked on the phone, video chatted on Skype, we reminisced about liking Jeffree Star and “Blood on the Dancefloor” when we were younger, and even quoted lines from their videos, laughing and having fun. We bought each other Christmas gifts, and complained about our boyfriends. We truly became sisters.

The most challenging part of my drag career soon followed.

What would my drag name be? It needed to be unique, interesting, and memorable. I created so many that didn’t make the cut: Envy Tension, Baby Swiss… I asked Anabelle for advice, because after all, Anabelle Lektor is the coolest drag name I know. He told me that it needed to be special to me and have significance in my life. He was a fan of Hannibal Lecter, so

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naturally Anabelle Lektor was the perfect name for him. I went through hundreds of names before mine came to me. Then, one day, I was sitting in my mom’s car brainstorming and it came to me. I was really into this video game called SMITE, which featured characters from mythology.

One character’s name was Scylla, a terrifying sea monster disguised as a little girl. She’d trick sailors into saving her from drowning in the ocean, but once they saved her, she viciously shipwrecked them. I decided to name myself SCYLLA KONE (Silicone). A perfect name for the mixture of a devious sea monster and a substance used in plastic surgery.

About a year after Anabelle and I became friends, I was deciding where I wanted to go to college. I was really interested in the Chicago drag scene, with icons such as Imp Queen, Lucy Stoole, and Nico Bombshell. I was also interested in what South California had to offer, and luckily for me, that’s where Anabelle Lektor lived. My mom and I discussed making the trip s o I could visit schools and she could vacation. We set up a tour with a school in Southern California and before I knew it, I was on my first flight to LAX. I had told Anabelle the news, and he was excited to meet me. I couldn’t believe I was meeting an online friend of a year – who lived across the country, no less – in real life.

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The time I spent with Anabelle went by way too fast. He painted my face, we went shopping downtown for cheap fabric, eyelashes, and jewels. He even took photos of me in drag outside of the large gay venue there, WTF Fridays. I ended up skipping the school tour to spend more time with him. I would later apologize to my mom for that, but she wanted me to go to school in Chicago anyway, so it all worked out.

It saddens me to think that we won’t be living in the same city when I move out, but I know we both have bright futures ahead of us, and we will exist in the rest of each other’s lives.

A lot changed in February of 2016. I competed in Iowa’s All-State Speech Competition for my school, I’d just ended a relationship to focus on myself, and I was planning on showcasing my drag in my school’s art show. I practiced makeup, walking in heels, and even made a costume for the show. I was really nervous to be leaving the house in drag for the first time, but I had the support of friends and family.

The art show was amazing, I got to walk down a runway in the costume I made, makeup done by me, and hair styled by me. It was satisfying to know all my hard work paid off even if only for a fraction of a minute of one night.

Shortly after the art show, I received a message from a friend of a friend. She asked me how old I was, and told me

she could get me a chance to perform in Dubuque. She got me in touch with a drag queen named Marsha, who gave me the opportunity to perform three numbers in a drag show at The Smokestack.

I was ecstatic. I started planning my songs, and creating costumes to go along with them. The days before the show seemed to get shorter and shorter, and in the blink of an eye I was on stage, dressed

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in fishnets and balloons, standing before all of my friends, lip-syncing to “E.T.”

by Katy Perry. The evening passed rapidly, and I was so in the moment that I can hardly remember it! That night was the first of many spent at The Smokestack with Dubuque kings and queens... and I look forward to more that will come.

So here I am now; 17 years old, almost finished with high school at Dubuque Senior, and getting ready to move to Chicago for school in August. I was recently accepted into Douglas J. Aveda Institute of Chicago’s cosmetology program, and I’m ready to be there to continue my education. I still practice drag makeup and create costumes regularly when I have time, because I think it’s important to never stop practicing a craft that you love,

and constantly trying to better yourself.

I’ve had amazing opportunities for my drag this year, between my art show, The Smokestack, getting drag portfolio pictures done by my best friends, and having the support of a couple thousand people online. I’m thankful I was given the opportunity to write this article for you now through Co-ZINE, and I hope this pushes you to never stop practicing your passions, because through hard work and dedication you will persevere. There will be so many moments that reassure you that hard work pays off. Finally, if there’s one thing I could say to others beginning drag, or any passion, I’d quote from legendary makeup artist Mathu Andersen: “Talent is thousands of hours of work.”

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GAMES

COMMUNITY

D&D Therapy

by Luke Vorwald

I

was asked to create a D&D (Dungeons and Dragons for my less than nerdy friends) by a co-worker of mine.

At first, I was hesitant to pitch the idea of the group to my supervisor, fearful it would seem I was looking for an excuse to roll dice on company time. However, after bringing it up to a few of the people we serve, I saw that this group had the potential to be more than just a few hours a month of me practicing my DM skills (again, for those who are not nerd-inclined, “DM� is an abbreviation for Dungeon Master). Perhaps I should provide some exposition.

Dungeons and Dragons is an RPG (Role Playing Game) with a fantasy flavor, much like you would see in The Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. The game uses a

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base set of rules that allow a group of people to interact in an environment that exists in their collective imagination. This is done through players acting as their own created characters in a world that is described to them by the Dungeon Master. The DM explains to the players what is happening in the world around them; such as details of the landscape, wildlife, and other non-player characters (NPCs) to the actual players.

The players then let everyone know what it is they want to do, which might include sneaking through back alley, defending a town from an oncoming horde of orcs, or sweet-talking their way past a challenge entirely. The DM asks them to role some dice, and if they role well enough they are successful.

If they do not, then they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

On the surface, this game would seem to be a very silly thing. Why would anyone, adults for that matter, want to sit around a table and make up a story based on the results of a 20 sided dice role? While D&D can defiantly be very silly, I can assure those who are not familiar with it that there is so much more to this game and the people it affects.

Dungeons and Dragons provide skill building experiences in many important social areas. One might not think this game would provide anything in the realm of social skills, but the truth is quite opposite. Through working with their party members, the players gain practice in multiple social skill areas. Team work, active listening, and critical thinking are just some of the skills necessary to deal with a problem. If a party does not uti-

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lize these skills, the result will often yield poorly for them.

to do is a truly remarkable feature of the human imagination.

Not surprisingly, these skills often tend to manifest themselves into actual every day life once it has been practiced in the game.

We can see the lessons learned in a game of D&D will translate into true applicable skills. There have been multiple psychiatric studies on this effect, and while I will not sight any of these, I strongly encourage anyone who is interested to Google the benefits of Dungeons and Dragons (or any other RPG for that matter).

This brings me to what I feel is the mot important aspect of Dungeons and Dragons. We as humans have a very unique and special capability to create things that are not necessarily “real” and give them value. As far as I’m aware, we are the only species on earth that can create languages by giving an almost limitless combination of noises and sounds meaning and sharing that meaning with others.

Along with the social skills, this game provides just as many therapeutic benefits as well. I firmly believe there is something very cathartic in creating a character that you are able to control and act through in an RP setting. When someone creates their own character, I feel it is nearly impossible to not put a piece of themselves in to it.

Maybe the character has a similar back story to its creator, or possibly even the same personality and points of view. Over time, one tends to become attached to what they have given life to, taking away lessons experienced through the character much as the character was formed by the experiences of the player.

Characters often represent a version or reflection of their player, and being able to experience things through that character one would normally never be able

The same holds true for playing music, story telling, and by association, D&D. Dungeons and Dragons is yet another extension in the phenomenon of human imagination and our drive to make meaning out of essentially nothing. Our ability to do and share this with others is a truly beautiful thing, and to not exercise our capacity to do so would simply be a shame.

Lastly, I’d like to talk about what this all can mean to the people of our community. Like I said earlier, I was somewhat weary of starting a group through the agency I work for that plays Dungeons and Dragons, being that I didn’t want it to seem like an excuse to mess around once a month. However, I quickly changed my mind when I saw the reactions of my players as they first began to create their own characters and roll their dice for the first time.

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I was so pleased to see my players come out of their shells, describing to everyone else what is important to them and their character and what they would like to accomplish. Partaking in the primal urge to create a story with other’s and provide it with meaning gives much joy and value to those who play, no matter what their background may be or what they have been through.

At my table, we have a very diverse and interesting group of players, and while we are gathered together, we are all

together for the same purpose. We are all unique and we are all equal. I feel this is the greatest benefit this game has to offer by far.

While my particular campaign is full, I strongly encourage those who have yet to experience this game to find some friends and start one of your own. All you really need is a few pencils, paper, some odd looking dice, and a desire to create living story that you will remember for a lifetime.

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T

he Royal We is the first album by Alo and the Narcissist. Filled with provocative song titles and unrelenting high energy, these eleven songs give a nod to the 80’s while incorporating fresh new tones of manic dance electropop.

His vocals are smooth and natural sounding across the board, while still incorporating some voice-altering effects on certain songs such as “Victim”, which works to give it a modern, techno twist.

Alo takes it down a notch with his song “Daisies”. It features an intriguing opening beat and incorporates darker, slightly slower sounds as the song goes on. Over-

all the album is fast, fun, and filled with dance-jams such as “Speak In Tongues” and “The Narcissist”.

When we said “unrelenting high energy” we weren’t kidding—this album certainly doesn’t end with a ballad. Whether you’re looking to blow off some steam dancing around your room or get pumped up for a night out, The Royal We has got you covered.

You can find The Royal We on Spotify and lots of Alo’s other work around the web. Just search “Alo Moniz” to discover what he has to offer. You can also read his story in Co-ZINE February 2017.

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What’s in your stars?

Aries Bully, bully, be careful what you are doing.

Sometimes you might be a bit too macho for the average Joe. Have a little more consideration for the feeling s of others. They are trying.

Taurus Stop thinking of the little stuff. Stop liking everything that doesn’t matter. Focus on what you need to achieve and make it happen. You will be very proud of yourself once you succeed; and you will succeed.

Gemini Generally, all is well. There are ups and downs, but you tend to get through alright. Keep smiling and be happy. Just cut back on the energy drinks. You already have enough.

Cancer Don’t be sad. Things change for a reason and for the greater good. It’s true that hind sight is 20/20. Things become clearer later. You’ll be okay. Stop searching. Let it find you.

Leo You don’t normally hide, but you might benefit from a break. Take some you time and cozy up in a good book. The stage will still be there when you want it.

Virgo Stress is your frenemy. It keeps you alert, but it sure does damage to your health. Stop... seriously. Stop and take a deep breath. You need the oxygen and the heart rate to drop. All is well as long as you percieve it to be.

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Libra You do so well for yourself and keep a good group of friends. Just watch those white lies.

At some point they turn grey and can blacken quite quickly. Be wise and be aware.

Scorpio What in water are you doing? Your emotions are everywhere. Cool it. You are running away from your responsibilities; you’re frivolous.

Adulting is more than making money and enjoying yourself.

Sagittarius You are all over the place and is it really rightfully so? You choose yourself over anyone else, even when it is not right. Don’t be selfish..

Capricorn Maybe you can go to the store and buy your own groceries, or pay your own rent. Wouldn’t that be nice? Handouts are great when we work for them. Don’t expect people to always do for you.

Aquarius Busy, busy, busy... things are starting to calm down, one month at a time. You are wonderful at what you do. Keep it up! .

Pisces Fear is your defense, however you seem to be pointing it at the wrong situations. It is okay to be afraid, however, stop allowing that fear to control you and ruin the happiness you deserve.

Meet Sarah!

I

Co-ZINE’s new editor

fell into Co-ZINE almost unintentionally. I wasn’t looking for an internship, but I was more or less in the right place at the right time when Andrea, Co-ZINE’s editor in chief, mentioned they were hiring. I knew it was too good of an offer to pass up: an internship in my actual field of study that was helping to support a cause I was deeply passionate about.

It wasn’t until recently that I became surrounded by strong advocates for the gay community.

That isn’t to say that I witnessed extreme hatred or bigotry before then; a majority of my life growing up was spent in small-town Iowa, with mild-mannered but generally disinterested folks. You could argue my hometown is progressive compared to communities of similar size, but it certainly wasn’t a place where I was very exposed to the LGBTQ+ side of things.

It wasn’t until high school that I met my first openly gay friend, and our friendship ended up giving me a crash-course in what it meant to be an ally. My world got bigger and bigger as I grew up and generally became more interested in societal issues, and I became more and more aware of everything around me that had previously been overlooked.

Observations of this nature only increased when I came to college here in Dubuque. While being an outspoken supporter of women’s rights, I was still taking a more backseated approach to involvement with the queer community, mostly because I wasn’t sure what to do. Sure, I was friends with gay people but I wasn’t gay, and my Catholic college wasn’t exactly abounding with ally opportunities.

Co-ZINE fell into my life at just the right time.

My excitement about being involved stems from the knowledge that this publication is making a real difference in this community and throughout others across the map. Since coming to college and beginning this internship, I have met so many people who are wonderful supporters and advocates who continue inspire me and create change. But there are so many people who are still scared and confused, who prefer to spread hatred instead of love for their fellow humans.

There are also those who might just not know what to do or how to get involved. I want to encourage those like me, who have perhaps been bred with the mentality of being supportive but not incredibly active, to take the next step and become part of the change.

Spread the love. Also, stop killing the Earth.

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