Cardiac attest

by Paul Kandarian

Ah, the wonders of modern medicine.

I got an email bill from my doctor recently about a co-pay I apparently owe for $15. It was for my annual physical, for which I have never been charged a co-pay because they don't ever charge a co-pay for the annual physical. I know this because every year at the reception desk for my physical they say, “No co-pays for annual physicals!” all bright-and-sunny-like.

So I called the billing number and got someone I could barely hear because her phone was cutting in and out. I’m assuming, like 99.9% of the world, she was working from home even though the pandemic is more or less over, living in a place where cellphone connection is as unreliable as the medical billing system.

But when I finally understood what she was saying, it seems the co-pay was because, and I quote, "You apparently discussed things outside what is covered in the annual physical."

Then it went like this (“Me” is me, and “GICWHPR” is Godless Insurance Company With Horrible Phone Reception):

Me: What kind of things does it say we discussed?

GICWHPR: Celiac disease, cardiac concerns, prostate exam, blood work…

Me: [stunned] You mean medical issues that doctors and patients tend to talk about in the, you know, annual physical? Because it’s all related to, you know, health and this was the annual physical which is largely about health? I mean, how is that outside what's covered by, oh, let's call it, “the annual physical?”

GICWHPR: [silence most telling]

Me: [lightening the mood by being funny regarding one of the most ridiculous charges I’ve ever seen] Okay, here's another thing on the bill. It's a $57 charge that was paid for but it says it was for the “Medicare Annual Depression Screening.” Do you suppose that depression is from the ridiculous billing system in health care?

GICWHPR: [silence most telling, but then again, it could be the crappy connection and she is laughing heartily at my joke. Doubtful, but I remain hopeful]

Me: Okay, here’s the thing: they paid the $57 but I have no recollection of a depression screening at my annual physical that I apparently have a co-pay for that technically doesn’t exist.

GICWHPR: Oh, that charge was a form you filled out.

Me: [deep calming breath, so deep and calming it hurts] I filled out no such form. I mean, my doctor probably asked how I was doing, I said fine, that was that. Could that have been the screening? Seems rather sparse.

GICWHPR: [silence most telling]

Me: Are you there?

GICWHPR: Yes.

Me: Okay, the reason I ask is because your phone reception is horrible. I can barely hear you. You cut in and out.

GICWHPR: [silence most telling, then garbled chatter, then) …reception is fine…

Me: [trying to shake my head but the tension in my neck is tighter than a crab’s ass so I can’t] Okay, how do I dispute this bill, I mean it’s not a lot but it’s the principle of the thing. Who do I complain to?

GICWHPR: You write to the address on the bottom of the last page of the statement.

Me: [scrolling] Okay… so this one down here… a post office box. In Belfast, Maine?

GICWHPR: Yes, that's the one.

Me: So, snail mail, right? Not email or some other communication method actually from this century? Snail mail? So I guess that’s because they'll figure why would I bother with going through the trouble of writing a snail mail, stamping it, mailing it when it's just easier to just pay the lousy stinking 15 bucks I don’t owe? Which I could do instantly on the internet if healthcare wasn’t locked in the days of blood-sucking leeches? But since I cannot dispute it instantly, I have to do the Pony Express thing?!

GICWHPR: [silence most telling but I’m sure she is just trying to figure out what the hell “Pony Express” meant]

Me: Okay then, that's what I'll do. I'll write a letter, stamp it and mail it even though it makes zero sense to do it that way, and next year during my non-existent depression screening, even if that's just being asked “How ya feeling?” I’ll tell him I'm depressed by the mindnumbing practices of healthcare and to at least make a bogus co-pay more worth it!

GICWHPR: [silence most telling but I swear I hear a condescending snicker]

Me: HELLLOOOO! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?! No, wait, cancel that, they’ll probably charge me for a hearing test!

GICWHPR: Will there be anything else?

Me: [deep calming breath to the point of wanting to hold it until I turn blue, die, and be done with it] No. That will be all. Thank you so very very much. This has been so fun.

GICWHPR: Have a nice day.

Me: You as well. And say hello to the other couple hundred people in Bumf… I mean, Belfast, Maine, where cellphone reception goes to die.

GICWHPR: I’m not in…

Me: [cutting her off by hanging up]

Sometimes it’s the little victories in healthcare that keep your blood pressure down.