RE: FW: FW: Read This!!

by Paul Kandarian

I take no credit for these quick jokes – or for most of them anyway, since I made up a few. They are largely borrowed from uncopyrighted memes scattered in the paradoxical moral wasteland/comedy bonanza that is social media.

I just love sassy, smart, clever, gross, extreme, and downright silly one-liners and such. And some of these are or could be bumper stickers, which as we all know, are the Adam and Eve of memes.

The comic Steven Wright is my hero, the dry, deadpan specialist of such jokes as “Everything is within walking distance if you have the time.” A well-told joke is the opposite of expectations, humor in general is just the truth exaggerated, a laugh can be the body’s reaction to something funny or something that makes you very nervous. George Carlin was firmly in the latter category; he spoke the truth that was as hilarious as it was brutally true. He made us laugh, cringe, and think all at the same time.

Anyway, here be some very funny one-or-more liners, and if you’re not laughing, you’re not listening/reading right.

Fun game

When someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them with their surname and go, “Oh, like the murderer?”

If a woman tells a man he’s right, technically, that’s sarcasm.

I’m never giving blood again, they ask so many questions, like “whose blood is it, where’d you get it, and why is it in a bucket?”

Whenever I think of the 80s, I think of a boom box, but honestly, that’s just a stereo type.

Please cross the street like your life depends on it. Because if I’m driving the car, oh, it does… believe me, it does.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Do drink and not drive.

Is it possible to put off procrastinating?

Education is expensive but ignorance is so much easier to fake.

A person has so many layers. Peel them away, and man, do they scream.

Sometimes you’re the bird, sometimes you’re the windshield, and if you can’t figure that out then don’t even talk to me.

Pavlov’s dogs were driven insane one day when he wasn’t home and it was noon time at the church next door.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched on marijuana.

Beauty is only skin deep. Stupid goes clear to the bone.

Fill a pinata with ketchup and you’ll never have to host a kid’s birthday party again.

A study showed that drinking hot coffee naked makes you far less likely to spill it.

In the event of a natural disaster, put hot dogs in your pockets so the rescue dogs will get to you first.

How to freak out a car salesman: get in the trunk, ask “Tell me if you can hear this,” close it and then start screaming.

Chart is the worst pie flavor, ever.

My child isn’t on any honor roll. He’s an idiot.

It’s okay if you want to save the whales, but where you gonna put them?

Why would a woodchuck want to chuck wood? Asking for a rodent friend. Gopher it.

An old Catskills comedian with a switchblade tried to rob me but when he said, “Take my knife, please!” I did.

If you love someone, let them go. But untie them first, and then make your escape because chances are, they’re going straight to the cops.

Age is relative. When you’re over the hill, you pick up speed. Because

I choose not to drink doesn’t mean I’m not fun. That’s a separate choice I’ve also made.

If dinosaurs were still alive, we wouldn’t be. All hail extinction!

Why did the suicidal chicken only cross the road halfway? Figure it out.

After my funeral, I want a friend to take my phone and text everyone “Thanks for coming.”

You can strike a match, you can strike a pose and you can strike for better pay. That’s it, three strikes, I’m out.

That’s all folks, I’m here all weekend, try the veal, tip your waiter, and remember: if you ain’t laughin’, you ain’t livin'.