THE ROLE BLACK MEN PLAY IN

from 2021 AUGUST ISSUE

MOVERS AND SHAKERS

THE ROLE BLACK MEN PLAY IN FAMILIES

With marriages on the decline we examine the incredible role Black men play in their families, with their children, and other Black men.

Written by Armon R. Perry, PhD

Armon R. Perry, Ph.D., is professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. https://rowman.com/ ISBN/9781793622044/Black-Love-Matters-Authentic-Men'sVoices-on-Marriages-and-Romantic-Relationships

THE ROLE BLACK MEN PLAY IN FAMILIES

Family is the primary institution in society. This means that it is charged with protecting and providing for its members. Family is also responsible for nurturing and socializing children. In other words, the family serves as a model for how we should behave.

Given the decline in marriages rates for all Americans over the last fifty years, including disproportionately sharp declines among Black Americans, there is interest in better understanding what Black men are learning from their families about how to establish and maintain their relationships. Therefore, in Black Love Matters: Authentic Men’s Voices on Marriage and Romantic Relationships, I examine the role that Black men play in modeling love for other Black men and boys in their circles of influ-

ence.

Although social science research indicates that macro factors — such as outsourcing manufacturing jobs away from urban cities, mass incarceration, and increased receptivity to non-marital unions — are among the reasons for the reduced marriage rates, many of the men in the study also pointed to the way marriage was presented, portrayed, and modeled for them.

For example, one of the men, a 22-

year-old college graduate who was already engaged when I first interviewed him, expressed a great deal of concern about the long-term prospects of his impending mar-

PART 3 OF A 4 PART SERIES

“It is important that Black men be supported as they strive to acquire the knowledge, skills, and resources needed to support healthy and mutually fulfilling relationships that can serve as the foundation for their marriages.”

riage. In exploring the curious juxtaposition of his excitement about taking his relationship with his fiancée to the next level and his concern about how well things would work out, he cited his parents’ failed relationships. In sharing his experience, he said, “My fathers and stepfathers are the ones who raised me, and since they couldn’t do it, then it’s clear that whatever needed to be poured into me wasn’t done by them. So, how am I going to be successful at this?” This was a popular refrain that came through in several interviews with men pointing to their friends’ or family’s seeming inability to sustain their romantic relationships or marriages. However, there were other men who held more optimistic views. When this was the case, they often credited having positive role models for showing them what a healthy relationship looked like. One of the better explanations was provided by a 27-year-old man who had been married for 2 years when we met. In one of his interviews, he talked about how his father, with whom he did not always see eye to eye, was always a dedicated and committed husband to his mother.

In responding to a question about the factors influencing his attitudes toward marriage, he shared, “Like I said, the way my father treated my mother [who subsequently died from cancer]. I mean, we didn’t have the best personal relationship, even to this day. But you know, to see him work 10-hour days, come home, you know, and take care of his kids. Making sure we got out the door to catch the bus. Making sure my mom made all her chemo [therapy] treatments and any type of rehab. You know, she got to a point where the cancer had got into her bones, so she had to sleep in a hospital-issued bed and my dad had to sleep on the floor. He couldn’t sleep in the bed with her. He had to bathe her. There was a point where he had to feed her. Man, she couldn’t even go to the restroom without him.

“So, to me, that was like the epitome of love. And so, for him to treat her the way he did, that means more than anything else that was going on. And my wife has had surgery and has been ill and I took care of her the same way my dad took care of my mom. It wasn’t any knowledge that I had on my own, it was solely based on how my dad treated my mom. I just took that and used it in my marriage, and I know my wife loves me more for that. I took pride in taking care of her just the way my father treated my mother. That’s the main thing.” In contemporary society, fewer people are opting for marriage than in the past. Making matters even more complicated is that those who do marry are waiting until later in life to do so. This is happening as some no longer hold marriage up as the gold standard for their relationships. In other cases, couples aspire to marry only on the condition that they and

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their partners have already achieved all of their individual goals. It is important that Black men be supported as they strive to acquire the knowledge, skills, and resources needed to support healthy and mutually fulfilling relationships that can serve as the foundation for their marriages. To ensure that this happens, I recommend:

Encouraging Black men to be authentic in their emotional expressiveness and supporting them when they are courageous enough to be vulnerable. Rejecting rigid divisions of labor based on gender so as to promote a culture of cooperation rather than competition in romantic relationships. Being intentional about listening for better understanding, to prevent miscommunication, and to promote empathy as a conflict resolution strategy. In light of declining marriage rates and all of the associated societal and cultural shifts, the role that Black men play in modeling love is more important than ever. Of course, there is certainly no one right way to love. There are also myriad perspectives on what it takes to make relationships successful and sustainable. However, to the extent that there is agreement that increasing marriage rates is a desirable and worthwhile goal, it is imperative that Black men serve as examples of loving partners to those around them. Armon R. Perry, PhD, is a professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. Use the code LEX30AUTH20 at checkout for a 30% discount.

Steve Capers is the proud owner of KnockKnock Productions.

THE PURNELLS: THE

FAIRYTALE WEDDING WE

ALL WANT

Very rare is it that we have a chance to express love in a manner that over 400 people feel it. But that is exactly what the Purnell’s did when they got married on Juneteenth day 2021.

Written by BRAD BOWLING

Brad Bowling is the President of CODE Media Group, LLC. Bowling has his BA in mass media communication and an MBA in marketing. He contributes articles to the magazine continuing his love for writing. When Larese and Rashaunda Purnell decided to get married, they could have never predicted that the pandemic rules would ease just in time for them to celebrate their union with the over 400 guests they invited to their wedding on Juneteenth, 2021. What they ended up with was a fairytale wed-

ding that blessed their union, brought everyone back to church, and celebrated community all at the same time.

It all started in 2020 on Juneteenth when Larese surprised his bride by proposing in front of over 100 people at his annual fundraising event. “I figured it was time to propose and I wanted to do something special. So, I waited until Juneteenth to get on one knee and ask her in front of everyone.” Larese said.

A shocked Rashaunda said yes, and it kicked off would become the wedding of the ages for anyone attending the wedding on June 19th. The couple felt like it was only fitting to have their wedding on the same day that he proposed to her. “We wanted to create something that celebrated our families, Black people, and the community,” Rashaunda said.

When they sat down to plan their wedding, they knew that there was an opportunity for it to be more than just a wedding. The pandemic hit the Black community hard. Everyone was impacted in one way or another. The Purnell’s knew that if they were going to do things the right away, they wanted everyone to get something out of their special day. “We knew that people hadn’t been to church in a long time, so we focused on songs that celebrated Sunday.” Rashaunda continued,” We knew that our business friends had not been able to make money, so we tried to use as many Black vendors as possible,” Rashaunda said. The couple, with the help of wedding planner Covesa Kelly, planned a wedding that people are still talking about today. The ceremony was held at the Westin in downtown Cleveland. It lasted all day because they knew that they could not invite everyone they wanted.

“Due to the pandemic, we knew that we couldn’t celebrate our special day with everyone we wanted. So, we split certain parts of the wedding up so everyone could participate,” Larese explained.

They exhausted all options to make sure that as many people as possible could feel their love for each other and come out of the day feeling fulfilled themselves. “We wanted the community to really participate with us. We wanted all our friends to be there. Businesses, the homies, cousins, Blacks, whites; we wanted everyone to come away from the day feeling love,” Larese said. Many of the people in attendance felt the love the Purnell’s were trying to express. As Rashaunda walked down the aisle, there was not a dry eye in the room. Black love was on full display and the music selections could not have been better. “We wanted everyone to have a special experience that they didn’t plan for,” Larese said. All the guests were asked to participated in the wedding by helping the couple ring in the special day with praying and cheering. The response post-wedding has been incredible. The couple accomplished all their goals that they wanted on their special day leaving all in attendance amazed at the impossible day they enjoyed. Love shone thru for the couple, for anyone who was in attendance, and the city itself. We all hope we can find the love of our lives, celebrate it in style, and be blessed enough to create the kind of day that the Purnell’s shared.