THE POWER OF MATE SELECTION

The 2020 census data revealed that only 33 percent of Black men are currently married, which poses the question, “What should you be looking for when selecting a mate?”

No Safety, No Ring

When Abraham Maslow developed his “hierarchy of needs,” he listed safety as a basic human necessity that follows only behind physiological needs for survival such as water, food, and shelter. Maslow understood that safety impacts all human behaviors and that people make decisions in accordance with how secure they feel.

This same theory applies to why men will or will not get married. Men make relationship choices based on their level of security within themselves, with their selected partner, and their financial status. The decision to engage in sexual intimacy, share financial resources, cohabitate, and start a family are some of the most important relationship choices impacted by our feelings of safety and security.

The desire for one partner to marry or transition the relationship to a higher level is a common concern that motivates couples to seek counseling. In most cases, it’s the female partner who begins to ask questions about why their boyfriend has not asked to marry them, and the reason always stems from the male partner’s lack of security in either himself, his partner, or the relationship.

When becoming involved in a relationship, there are two important aspects to take into account, both of which can lead to either a successful or failed relationship: past trauma and power.

Written by CHRIS A. MATTHEWS

Trauma Leads to Drama

When two people choose to establish an intimate relationship, they’re choosing to grow with their partner’s past, current, and future experiences. Several relationships fail before they even start because the dating partner may bring past or current traumas into the relationship. If trauma hasn’t been processed or managed properly, usually in therapy, then it can result in one or both partners not feeling safe in the relationship.

Trauma is defined by the American Psychological Association as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster.” Trauma is a person’s subjective reaction to an experience, so we can’t assume just because our partner had or witnessed a horrific experience that they are going to respond with traumabased symptoms or in the same way someone else might. Also, the onset of trauma symptoms can be delayed or manifest later if induced by physical or psychological triggers. The intensity level of the traumatic experiences can vary based on factors such as age at the time of the experience, direct life impact, and resiliency and coping skills.

Intimate relationships can feature single-trauma couples (where one partner is a trauma survivor) or dual-trauma couples (in which both partners have a history of trauma). In single-trauma couples, the partner dealing with trauma symptoms may shut down, exhibit mood swings, or withdraw from their partner creating the potential for a confusing, emotionally volatile, and unsafe relationship

In dual-trauma couples, both partners may initially be attracted to one another by their shared ability to understand each other’s pain, but they may also experience more intense or volatile exchanges.

It’s important to identify if the person one is dating has unresolved trauma. Here’s a list of signs to be on the lookout for:

• Unexplainable anger

• Irritability

• Anxiety or panic attacks

• Withdrawal from the relationship

• Mood swings

• Isolation to get what they want. An example of the use of reward power is when one partner requests that the other take them out dancing in exchange for sex or physical intimacy at the end of the night.

This power is rooted in exclusivity, because the partner exchanging sex for something in a monogamous relationship is the only person who can render this form of reward. Reward power is another form of compromise that allows partners to get their individual needs met in a tit for tat fashion, e.g., “You do this for me, and I will do that for you.” The use of reward power during the dating phase is a great indicator that the relationship has potential to manifest into something special because both partners are able to demonstrate joint decision making during the courtship phase.

Who Has the Power?

It’s no surprise that power differentials are a major determinate if a partner is going to be a good fit for a long-term relationship or marriage. There are three types of relationship power dynamics that need to be assessed when selecting the mate that one desires to build and grow with.

Coercive Power is unsafe in intimate relationships because it doesn’t provide both partners with a mutual benefit or gain. Coercive power requires that one partner be punished if they don’t obey the commands or meet the wishes of the other partner. The commands are usually something that one partner would not have willfully consented to without the threat of harm or danger implicit in the requesting partner’s demands. An example of this power might be if one partner threatened to contact the Immigration and Customs Enforcement office if their illegal alien partner decided to end or dissolve the intimate relationship.

Coercive power is also commonly known as extortion and blackmail. Couples who employ coercive power tactics strip away trust because they are putting each other in positions of oppression. Although it is usually one partner in the relationship who will use money, influence, children, or status as a way to establish coercive power, couples who share equal positions can use this form of power on each other.

Reward Power is used when a positive stimulus is exchanged for the fulfillment of a need or want by a partner. Couples use reward power when one partner offers to provide something in exchange for something else that only they can provide as an incentive

Referent Power is special because it is enforced by the respect intimate partners have for one another. Referent power is activated when couples are influenced to make decisions based on the admiration they have for each other’s personality, beliefs, and values. When this type of power is present, it can mean there is a strong probability the relationship consists of partners who are a great match. An example of referent power at play might be a male partner choosing to incorporate more vegetables and fruits into his diet because he admires his girlfriend’s commitment to a healthy lifestyle.

Intimate partners use their referent power to lead each other by the examples they provide. When a loved one is influenced to follow their partner’s lead because of the respect and admiration they have for them, referent power is demonstrated. However, it’s important to be mindful that referent power is hard to gain but easily lost. If the girlfriend in this example stops healthful eating, she risks diminishing her referent power. Her boyfriend may view her lack of discipline as a weakness, causing a distortion in how he once saw his girlfriend as someone whom he admired for her selfcontrol and focus.

Overall, like it or not, the use of power is an ever-changing dynamic that needs to be strongly considered when selecting a mate for courtship or marriage. Power is rooted in respect and how both partners desire to treat and be treated by one another. ●