MARRIAGE UNDERDOGS

Learn the risks that could threaten your marriage and take our quiz to see if your marriage is an underdog.

Written by CHRIS A. MATTHEWS

Chris A. Matthews is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and approved supervisor for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Visit chrisAmatthews.com to learn more about his work with couples and families.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an underdog as a “predicted loser in a struggle or contest” therefore, based on the statistic that 70 percent of divorces are filed by wives, husbands are the underdog within the context of marriage. When diving deeper into the data, we find Black Americans divorce at the highest rate compared to any other ethnicity in the US, at a rate of 31 divorces per 1,000 people based on the most recent US Census data. This number is double the rate of White (Caucasian) Americans who divorce at a rate of 15 divorces per 1,000 people. These numbers are even more concerning when considering that Black adults also make up the largest share of the never-married group.

Why are Black men at a higher risk for divorce?

Based on research, there are ten different risk factors that make the struggle or contest of marriage a predictable failure for those who attempt to defeat divorce. Couples who exhibit these risk factors are “Marriage Underdogs.”

The goal of this article is to highlight the top ten risk factors that increase Black men’s chances for divorce. When groups, especially men of color, have a better understanding of the threats that are against them, they can better equip themselves with the tools needed to protect themselves from falling victim to certain fates. Simply put, “When we know better, we then have a greater chance to do better.”

Marriage Underdog Risk #1: Marrying Before the Age of 25

A 2016 study conducted by Psychology Today, states that couples who get married at age 20 are 50 percent more likely to divorce than couples who wait until they’re 25. This is because our ability to make better decisions happens later in life after our prefrontal cortex is fully developed. Our frontal lobe is responsible for decision-making, reasoning, personality expression, and other complex cognitive behaviors. Marriage Underdog Risk #2: Having Parents that Got Divorced or Never Married

In his book Understanding the Divorce Cycle” written by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, researcher, and professor at the University of Utah, the risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home and 200 percent higher when both partners have parents who divorced or never married.

Marriage Underdog Risk #3: Prior Marriages that Ended in Divorce

National Center for Health Statistics, the marriage breakup rate in America for first marriages is 50 percent; the divorce rate for second marriages is 67 percent, and the divorce rate in America for third marriages is 74 percent. Based on these numbers, it’s worth it to try and make one’s current marriage work because the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Marriage Underdog Risk #4: Living with Your Partner Prior to Marriage or Engagement The Pew Research Center reported that 60 percent of cohabiting couples will eventually get married, however, they also found that living together prior to marriage can increase your chances of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent. This is because most cohabitating partners have loose boundaries, which leads to trust issues that bleed over into marriage. Marriage Underdog Risk #5: Conceiving Two Children Less than 18 Months Apart In a published research article titled, “Shorter Birth Intervals Between Siblings are Associated with Increased Risk of Parental Divorce,” spouses with two children born no more than eighteen months apart, had a 49 percent higher risk for divorce compared to individuals with two children born more than four years apart. Having children reduces marital satisfaction because of the additional strain kids put on a marriage. Practicing family planning by giving a marriage at least 2-4 years between the births of each kid cuts the risk of divorce in half.

Marriage Underdog Risk #6: Being a Different Race than Your Partner

Interracial couples have a 41 percent chance of separation or divorce within their first ten years of marriage, according to a study based on data collected from the National Survey of Family Growth. These statistics are helpful when considering how marrying someone within your racial group can be a factor in reducing the chances of divorce. Marriage Underdog Risk #7: Cheating and Infidelity The Institute for Family Studies found

that among ever-married adults who have cheated on their spouses, 40 percent are currently divorced or separated. By comparison, only 17 percent of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. Cheating is a death sentence for marriage and the couples who stay together after infidelity are able to make it because they grieve their old marriage and rebirth a new marriage that is stronger than the first. This process usually happens under the supervision of a marriage counselor who has the training to successfully walk a couple through the steps of treating marital infidelity. Marriage Underdog Risk #8: Threatening a Divorce or Breakup

Dr. Ehinger, a marriage and family therapist specializing in highconflict relationships, says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.” Whenever partners declare a desire to divorce or break up during an argument and don’t really mean it, they are removing safety, security, and trust from the relationship, which are basic human needs both partners require to keep the relationship alive. Couples need to make sure to refrain from using the D-word (Divorce) even during arguments. Marriage Underdog Risk #9: Frequent Arguments About Money and Finances

San Diego family law attorneys of Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, LLP reported when one partner feels like their spouse spent money foolishly, the couple increases their likelihood of divorce by 45 percent. Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30 percent more likely to get divorced. Money is tied to our sense of security and when it’s threatened, we lack trust in our partner. Couples need to get help from a marriage counselor sooner rather than later when they find that most of their arguments center around money. Marriage Underdog Risk #10: Spouses Who Practice Different Religions or Faiths Relationship partners who participate in different faith-based practices than their spouse have a 20 percent higher risk for divorce. For several people, their faith-based practices are a major source of strength and align with their life values, principles, and morals. When couples don’t share the same beliefs or at least respect each other’s different beliefs, they can become distant within their marriage. These differences in faith add more pressure on the marriage during hard times like the loss of a loved one or shared traumatic events.

Challenged with two or more of the signs or symptoms on this list classifies a relationship partner as a marriage underdog. Being a marriage underdog doesn’t guarantee a current or future marriage will end in divorce but instead highlights that close attention should be given to processing and protecting the relationship. The easiest way to assess a marriage or relationship is with the help of a trained marriage counselor. If one is not sure if their marriage or relationship needs counseling, they can visit www.RelationshipCounselingQuiz.com and take the free, fivequestion assessment. In the same way early prevention can mitigate the risk of physical illnesses such as heart attacks and strokes, relationship counseling can prevent breakups and divorces.

The thought of attending counseling for many Black men is still stigmatized but consider the Malcolm Gladwell quote, “When you’re an underdog, you’re forced to try things you would never otherwise have attempted.” It’s time to challenge the beliefs preventing Black men from doing everything they can to save their marriage, even if that looks like getting help from

O’Neal believes that every Blackowned business should belong to a local Chamber.

SUICIDE IS GROWING AMONG BLACKS

Suicide for Blacks used to never be an option. But over the last 10 years, Blacks committing suicide has increased dramatically. Mental health, stress and lack of access to opportunity, are making suicide a choice, and something has to be done about it.

By Leslie Logan

hen Stephen (Twitch) Boss committed suicide at the age of 40, it increased the conversation among Black Americans as to what is going on in the Black community. Black suicide is increasing at an alarming rate and creating a concern health professionals. Before the Pandemic Black suicide rates were slightly increasing. But living in the stress of the Pandemic has increased the numbers of Blacks who are choosing to end their lives. The problem is impacting Black Americans ages 24-35 at the highest rate, but all age groups seem to have increased over the last 4

years. The problem is getting so bad that national attention is starting to increase to the point where campaigns are being born to encourage checking in on your loved ones. The stress of being Black was already high. Throw in the complications of living in today’s world and people are choosing to end their own lives instead of dealing with their difficulties. “Anything that is perceived as mental health-related is taboo in the Black community. To further complicate things, W ‘getting help’ is seen as a weakness so folks press on even when they are struggling. Doing so is part of a cultural legacy of survival in the face of brutal circumstances,” said, Rheeda Walker, professor of psychology and director of the University of Houston’s Culture, Risk and Resilience Lab. Checking on the ones you love takes one minute, but it could make a difference for the rest of their lives. ●

If you know someone in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.