f The un Star
Volume XXXV, Issue #22
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
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Letter from the editor: “FIGHT ME” pg. 6
UAF Office of Admissions rejects applicant Spencer Tordoff Web Editor
The Nanook expresses his frustration at the new policy, which would introduce live polar bears to UAF Hockey. “They’re putting me out of a job,” Nook, UAF’s current mascot, said. “How can I pawsibly compete with actual bears? It’s like they’re the cheer captains while I’m in the bleachers.” - Molly Putman / Fun Star
Athletics department announces plan to improve hockey attendance of school pride,” Zach Hurst, Athletics Assistantfor Marketing Layout Editor and Promotions, said. “In polls, we’ve found that students enjoy As part of a new marketing seeing players fight during a game. strategy to improve student interest Seeing those same players fight in UAF hockey games, UAF Athletics actual polar bears is going to be announced they will be releasing live really great for our school spirit.” polar bears on the rink to “spice things Whether the new policy will bring up” during the UA F games. UAF Hockey team Athletics together Department - Gary Gray, UAF director of athletics or literally has been tear it apart looking to increase student attendance remains to be seen. Some community at UAF Hockey events, and Athletics members expressed concern over staff are confident that this new the grizzly repercussions of releasing initiative will really appeal to students. wild carnivorous animals in the “I think this is really going to same area as UAF Hockey players. bring students and the community “Our team works hard out together to create a greater feeling there, and I think the possible boost
Molly Putman
“Release the bears”
in attendance isn’t worth the risk of our boys being ripped apart by wild beasts,” Granny Nanook, a local UAF hockey fan, said. “The thought of it is just un-bear-able.” Despite the concern, researchers from the department of biology and wildlife insist that the bears pose no pawsible threat to students. “We’ve found that these polar bears have only developed a taste for UAA student blood,” Brian Barnes, professor of zoophysiology, said. “Four out of five times those bears will go straight for our enemies. Our hockey team should have nothing to fear. Go Nanooks.” “Release the bears,” Gary Gray, UAF director of athletics, said regarding the new policy. “ R E L E A S E T H E B E A R S. ”
Following their review of test scores, transcripts and accompanying forms last Friday, the UAF Office of Admissions and the Registrar rejected an applicant for Fall Semester 2016. “Thank you for your interest in the University of Alaska Fairbanks,” read a letter sent to the prospective student by the office. “After careful review of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to UAF this coming fall.” The student in question, Mark Madison of Desert Springs, CA, was found to not meet UA system re q u i re m e n t s fo r a d m i s s i o n . “This is a very unusual situation for us,” Mary Kreta, UAF Director of Admissions, said. “As Mark’s paperwork was filled out in crayon and contained several obvious errors. I figured we’d better have a second look at his materials.” “Usually we’ll send an acceptance letter to anybody who applies,” said Kreta. A review of school records found that since opening to students in 1922, UAF has never before rejected an applicant. This de-facto policy resulted in a number of embarrassing gaffes for the university, including the admittance of a suede loveseat in 1954, a Volkswagen Microbus in 1968 and no less than two deceased persons in 1937 and 2002 respectively. In one particularly confusing incident, a muskox belonging to the Large Animal Research Station was granted admission in 1988. Continued “UAF rejects applicant” on pg. 5
Student militia to replace UAFPD Erin McGroarty Fun Star
In an effort to further decrease deficit spending, UA officials have moved to cut campus police departments entirely, replacing the long-standing campus security system with a new militia made up of heavily-ar med students. This decision coincides with legistlative discussion of SB 174, which would allow for open carry of firear ms on campus. “Two birds and one stone... or bullet rather,” UA President Jim Johnsen said. “We’re saving huge amounts of money and the students get more responsibility. That’s what they wanted, right?” According to UA officials, arming students on campus, will do away with the need for a professional police force. To fully comply with this new policy, every student on campus will be issued a semi-automatic assault rifle, even the students who don’t want one. Continued “Student milita” on pg. 3
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Severla student groups have take a proactive approach, conducting training excercises in preparation for the imenent new student role - Zayn Roohi / Fun Star
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