Volume LXX, Issue #24
Tuesday, March 28, 2017 山頂へ
H O M E
O F
T H E
W H O P P E R ,
Y O U R
S O U R C E
F O R
F A K E
N E W S
The true nature of Concert Board pg. 4 This issue is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
Unfamiliar man claims to lead university Josh Hartman Staff Writer
Soon after talk of secession with West Ridge started, supporters began construction on a rudimentary wall between the “official” territory of West Ridge and the rest of the campus. Supporters also began to fly the “West Ridge Standard” on their buildings. Josh Hartman / Staff Writer
West Ridge declares independence Josh Hartman Staff Writer
The cluster of science and administration buildings known as West Ridge will officially secede from the UA System and the United States effective April 1. Separatists began raising flags and building a wall around their claimed territory as of the last week of March. The move was spurred by dissatisfaction among students, faculty and staff at recent events, such as the U.S. government’s new stance on climate change, decreases in funding from the state government and school administration’s lack of interest in building a large particle accelerator for use by the physics department.
“We discussed a number of saying that we need our own rule different solutions, such as protesting of law and I’ve always said that.” or holding events,” said Ashlyn Prier, The budget situation at UAF has academician of the West Ridge been a point of contention for the Autonomous Zone. “Ultimately, the Autonomous Zone, but supporters best decision was are optimistic to just form our about the own country.” economy of their Prier has fledgling country. been advocating “We actually for West Ridge can make enough to secede for the money through past 15 years, -Ashlyn Prier, academician of the various projects, West Ridge Autonomous Zone bu t h a d n o t businesses and gained much international support for her idea until now. r e s e a r c h grants,” said “We just want to do science Jimsmith Connelly, secretar y and not deal with other people,” o f state for the Zone. Prier said. “Now there are scientists Continued pg. 5
“We just want to do science and not deal with other people.”
A man going by the name of Jim Johnsen says that he’s in charge of the university system. The nature of these claims are difficult to establish, as he is not known to be a member of the board of regents. Permanent chancellors, meanwhile, are considered to be mythological, as no living specimens have been found. “Johnsen? I don’t know any Johnsen and that guy doesn’t look familiar,” biology student Alex Kristoffersson said. “I have my gmail set up to put official emails in a separate folder where they don’t clutter up my inbox. I’ll read those, well some of them, eventually.” The man is alleged to be making an appearance at the next Board of Regents meeting, the date and time of which is not predetermined. Why he will attend and how he will arrive, investigators have been unable to determine. “I care,” Johnsen said, in recent interview with the Fun Star, “about the univer sity.”
'Phase X' of Strategic Pathways promises cuts, lasers be seen around campus, as silverclad administrative officials have Staff Writer begun installing massive “death ray The final stage of Strategic generators” on top of many buildings. Pathways, dubbed “Phase X,” has The generators are a major part of been announced. The program UAF’s pledge to go green according is slated to include a number of to Christi Kemper, the manager unconventional revenue sources of UAF’s sustainability office. “Unlike traditional weapons and cost-saving measures. “A lot of people have been of mass destruction, our new lightasking me what our endgame is for based laser technology has no long the Strategic Pathways process,” term effect on the environment,” said Jim Johnsen, who claimed Kemper said, “but still provides to be UA system president. “This lethal deterrence against state actors is it. This is my master plan.” that may seek to halt the Strategic Pathways process.” “Nothing bu t a s h s h a l l remain,” Johnsen said, stroking the deployment b u t t o n . -Jim Johnsen, UA “President” The details of “Phase X” came Jo h n s e n delivered h i s as a surprise to many students, as its remarks from the new statewide implementation began over spring headquarters, an extensive facility break while campus was mostly empty. “What do you mean there are built into the Mount Katmai volcano. Official information on “Phase going to be drones circling the X” is limited, mostly comprised of school next semester?” said Erwin topics under consideration including Trouble, a West Ridge citizen and “sustainable harvest of student physics student. “I was only gone for resources,” “legislative blackmail” a week. How could this happen?” Fellow student Imma Conrad and “cuts to liberal arts.” Staff and faculty have received memos also voiced her concerns over the encouraging them to cut costs, increased security and surveillance work efficiently and turn over their UAF campus will be under next fall. “It’s just weird. Why do they children to the administration. Aspects of the plan can already need so many cameras and bear
Paige Geick
“Nothing but ash shall remain.”
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Jim Johnsen, a man claiming to be UA President, discusses his plans for “Phase X.” He went on to explain his office’s newest feature, the deployment button for UAF’s defense system. Josh Hartman / Fun Star
traps at the entrance to the steam tunnels?” Conrad said “Nothing lives down there right? I mean... Right?” When asked to comment, Johnsen dismissed student fears over the changes to campus life. “If our new cloaking technology works as it’s expected to, students won’t even notice a difference next semester,” Johnsen said. “We’ll have a public meeting to allow students
to voice their concerns in person, if they’re really that worried about a few cameras, bear traps and death lasers.” The meeting will be held at an unspecified date and time in the Board of Regents’ lead-lined bunker somewhere in the greater Fairbanks area. Any student interested in expressing their opinion is encouraged to attend. Like us on Facebook!