Eddie López y su humor satírico

. meses de su vida. En esta Edición Especial del Humor no podían faltar algunas muestras de su extraordinario talento. Reproducimos a continuación tres de sus columnas más memorables, que fueron publicadas originalmente en el periódico The San Juan Star y posteriormente

POLITICAL VERBIAGE

During/the years 1 have been covering the political scene 1 have had ño choice but to read through and. worse yet, listen to hun dre ds of speeches by politicians. : Not until this year, however, did | notice one significant aspect of these speeches: they are, as a rule, built around a group of key words that hardly ever varies from one speech to the next.

These are words that are fa miliarto all, yet their meaning when used by. an inveterate politician ¡is quite different from that to which we have been accustomed by ordinary usage. For the benefit of people who are not familiar with political usage, 1] would like to offer here a list of definitions that will make it much easier to understand any speech by any past, present or future occupant of any appointive or elective post. CHALLENGE: Any undertaking to be faced by the speaker with little hope of success because of his inability to understand the problems: involved and his lack of imagination for devising feasible solutions. In common usage it is synonymous with the ordinary duties of the post to which the speaker has been elected or appoimted. PROFOUND: An adiective usedto modify any favorable quality which the speaker claims for himgelf or his political camp, such as profound understanding and profound belief , The connotation of depth is useful in disguising the shallowness of the speaker's thought. ASPIRATIONS: The wishes of the people, filtered through the speaker's political prejudices. IDEALS: The speaker's current set of beliefs. FORCEFULLY (enérgicamente): Adverb used to describe any action the speaker has had no choice but to take. ACHIEVEMENTS (obra): Mistakes of the past. DEVELOPMENT: Mistakes of the present. GOALS: Mistakes of the future. 60 avance - 30 de diciembre de 1974 JUSTICE: The process by of registered voters. DETERMINATION: The speaker's firm resolve to follow an expedient course of action, generally that of disregarding sound advice. ' STERILE DEBATE: A convenient label for any kind of public discussion of major issues that would effectivel y reveal. the weakness of the speaker's arguments. E ALARMING: Adjective that describes any development that jeopardizes the speaker's chances of remaining in office after the next election. : CROSSROADS: The mess we're in nów. PROGRESS: The méss we'll be in as soon as We get out of this one. et LOYAL ADVICE: A procedure for dictating policy after one has been voted out of office. CREATIVE: Adjective applied to any idea plagiarized by the speaker. : DEMAGOGUERY: Adjective applied to any ¡dea plagiarized by the opposition. : THE HUMBLE ONES (los humildes): Voters who live in places loo unpleasant to visit on non-election years, RESPONSIBILITY: Duties which the speaker has not yet been able to pass on to another person. . , COMPLEX: Adjective that describes any problem that is beyond the speaker's comprehension, MIDDLE CLASS: Yesterday's humble ones, also known as the. fat of the land . The middle class is made up of dissatisfied citizens or ungrateful bums, depending on the speaker's point of view. ro DEDICATION: An Obsessive desire to boss people around. PATRIOTIC: DUTY: Political equivalent of the cape used by the bullfighter to conceal the sword, . REALITY: The convenient portion of the truth. PARTICIPATION: A way to spread the *blame for what g0es wrong, . .r which one 'satisfies the Cravings /Ha Sr

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THE REVOLUTION ON CULEBRA

In 1938. Orson "Welles, then at the outset of a long and distinguished career im: thé, performing arts, did a radio broadcast that made history. '

With his Mercury Theater group, Welles put on the air a dramatized version of H,G. Wells The War of the Worlds ,

the story of a Martian invasion of Earth. A narrator described the landing of 'the'alien spacecraft and continued broadcasting as the Martians began laying waste ¿the countryside with their " death rays. >) lt'was done so well that thousands of listeners believed it was actually happening, and A pánic of staggering proportions ensued. Some people,even commmitted suicide, thinking the end of civilization was at hand. A miniature version of the Orson Welles panic took place right here Friday night when yours truly, doing a guest appearance on Esto no tiene nombre , a laugh-in program on

Channel 4, read a series of news bulletins describing a supposed declaration of independence by the island of

Culebra. This spoof on the recent events in Anguilla, the little island that tried to secede from Great Britain, was taken literally by many people. WAPA- TV was flooded with calls inquiring about the revolution . For those who missed thé program, here is the script of the four dispatches. Believe it at your own risk. , /

FIRST BULLETIN (Off-camera voice while news bulletin sign appears on screen) Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt momentarily the regular programming of Channel 4 to bring you an urgent news bulletin. Reports received in San Juan indicate that a revolution has broken out in the island of Culebra. Although no details are available yet, it seems that there has beeñ a coup against the municipal government. Secessionist groups took over City Hall and cheered independence. Stay tuned to Channel 4 for further information about this event. We will broadcast bulletins as they arrive in our offices.

SECOND BULLETIN Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you the latest bulletin from Culebra. This afternoon Mr.

Piácido Cordero, said at a press conference that Culebra is planning to declare its independence and withdraw -from the

Vieques-Icacos-Palomino federation. Mr. Cordero said he had sent a proposal to Gov. Luis A.

Ferre by carrier pigeon suggesting that Culebra become a commonwealth permanently associated with Puerto Rico.

According to this plan, Culebra would be represented in the

Capitol by a Resident Missionary and would have the right to SAVE THE MINI!

For the first and probably last time I have affixed a bumper sticker to my car. It says, in large orange letters: Save the mini-skirt! The defense of this beguilling species of attire, now in danger of extinction, is the only cause 1 consider sufficiently important to merit this ultimate moral commitment. Let the women's libbers shout, Male chauvinist pig! / Having gone throught the anguishing process_of conversion - rom Posom Buddy to Leg Man, I will not stand idle and see

receive all the money it asks fior in exchange for serving as a showcase of democracy for the Lesser Antilles. Elsewhere it was revealed that the Governor has sent to Culebra one of the messenger boys from La Fortaleza to begin diplomatic efforts to solve the conflict. The méssenger, however, has refused to go until he is given an attache case. He does not have one because the appointment he received was that of Minister Without Portfolio . e THIRD BULLETIN The island of Culebra has just become an independent Republic, creating a diplomatic crisis in the Anointed Natiors. Authoritative sources indicate Culebra has signed a military pact with La Gata (Cat Island) for annexation of Cayo Ratones (Mice Key). To avoid becoming prey for Culebra (Snake) and La Gata, the residehts of Cayo Ratones have requested help from Mona (Monkey) Island and Cabras (Goat) Island. Both, however, have refused to intervene, being too busy keeping an eye on Lobos Island. Gov. Ferre, trying!to prevent warfare, has suggested that Culebra, La Gata, Ratones, La Mona, Isla de Cabras and Lobos form a federation to be headed by a veterinarian elected every four years. Culebra declared independence after receiving no answer from La Fortaleza about its proposal to become a commonwealth. However, a spokesman for La Fortaleza said the carrier pigeon carrying the message from Culebra never arrived. It is feared the pigeon has been hijacked to Cuba . FOURTH BULLETIN Sources close to the State Department in San Juan said today that Gov. Ferre may send and armed expedition to restore order in Culebra. A Cataño Ferry and a Ports Authority tugboat are being fitted with high-powered firecrackers and heavy-gauge Roman cándles in case force is needed to quell the rebellion. ) Meanwhile, Mr. Plácido Cordero, self-styled premier of Culebra, called an emergency session of Parliament to appropriate defense funds. The four members of both houses amended the recently approved budget to earmark half of it for military expenses. Nevertheless there are indications that this action may prove inadequate, since the Culebra yearly budget amounts to $37.85. :

Meauv'hile, the Communications Authority installed a telegraph system ¡inking Culebra with Puerto Rico. Ás soon as it was ready, Gov. Ferre sent the following message to Premier Cordero. CQuotr; dit-dit-dit, dididit, didit, dit, dit-dit-dit. Unquote .

54

the new object of my devotions cast into a new Dark Age of plunging hemlines.

The midi is a sartorial abomination inflicted on womankind by the world's most effete snobs: the trend-setters of so-called high fashion, whose whims in the past have included such atrocities as the sack and the H-line, or chestless look. The mini is the only decent idea they have ever come up with, and now they wanto to kill 1t.

Of course, they could never accomplish it without the connivance of the clothing manufacturers. They have sir: ply ceased production of short-hem attire and are supplying (Continúa en la página 63)

30 de diciembre de 1974 - avance 61

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