FACE TO FACE
Of Coffee and Community Katherine Baylis
I learned to make coffee at age six. Every Saturday morning, I’d run into the master bedroom, jump on my mom, and ask her if she was awake. She began teaching me how to make coffee so that when I came in to bug her, at least I’d have a cup of coffee in hand — usually accompanied by a plate with a piece of unbuttered toast, some raw carrots, and a couple cherry tomatoes on it. From then on, many of our family traditions revolved around coffee. By sixth grade, I started taking a travel mug with me to school filled to the brim with herbal peach tea. Even though the tea didn’t actually have any caffeine, I carried it with the attitude of a cranky coffee drinker. Sometime in high school I became a fully-fledged coffee addict. It became an unspoken rule in our family that if one of us went out to get coffee, the person would bring some back for the other. It should also be noted that my family happens to be comprised of only two people. At some point, the word “family” grew to encompass a connotation of at least three people. Perhaps it's perpetuated by things like a family phone plan and family-style buffets. But somehow it always felt just a little bit odd for me to call ourselves a family. I feel like it needs a preface; “we’re a small family,” “it’s just us,” or, my favorite, “we’re basically the Gilmore Girls.” And though I’ve always considered us a family in the traditional sense of the word, I still notice that a two-person family rarely clicks with people’s expectations of what that word means. There is nothing wrong with being raised by a single parent, and there is nothing wrong with single parenthood. I’m pretty sure that the majority of people reading this would agree with that statement. Yet non-traditional families tend to have a more difficult time assimilating into Christian expectations of what a family is. There are many nuances to that discussion, many of which I am not equipped to discuss adequately. However, there seems to be some misinformation in the evangelical community about the effects of raising a child with only one parent; and, similarly, what it means to be a single parent. I’ve noticed that some listen to statistics more than people, while others simply believe that no one in the church could make such hurtful assumptions. I’d like to help shed some light on both areas. While my story is not necessarily unique, I would be remiss if I did not say first
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and foremost that every situation is different, as is every person involved. But I believe that many of my experiences with people in the evangelical community as a child raised by a single parent are common to others with situations like mine. Among the several stories I could tell, for now I’d like to share a story from my sophomore year as a student at a Christian college. I was an editor for our college newspaper working on an article we were planning to publish. The writer was talking about a recent school shooting and went off on a side discussion about how it must have been the individual’s upbringing that led him to become so broken because, according to this writer, children raised with only one parent couldn’t possibly be loved enough because God intended for us to have two parents. I tried to encourage him to consider how such sweeping statements could be offensive, but he wouldn’t listen. Eventually it got to the point that I just let someone else take over editing his article. That was the first time I’d heard that argument from a Christian, but it certainly wasn’t the last. Though I know I’m no expert in family psychology, there are a number of things that can affect a child’s development. Two parents don’t always make a happy home; and one parent doesn’t always make an unhappy one. Both have their hardships and obstacles to overcome, but by frequently using a traditional family structure as the sole example of a good Christian family, we neglect the families that are non-traditional by placing them in a different category of family. We’re the caveat at the end of a sermon, the appendix to an explanation of God as a Father.
