Healing family of origin issues

College of Mental Health Counselling

Healing Family of Origin Issues

by Daniel Keeran, MSW

Healing Family of Origin Issues

by Daniel Keeran, MSW, Christian President College of Mental Health Counselling www.ctihalifax.com

The most common family of origin issue is the loss of parental caring and closeness that appears in the significant adult relationship with a perception of the partner as uncaring. Parental uncaring can range from being physically absent, angry, physically abusive, demeaning, silent, alcoholism, workaholism, and any behaviour that leaves a child feeling distant from the parent. Spin-off’s of this dynamic in adult life are depression, marital problems, and substance abuse.

A common pattern is to relate in unhealthy ways to the healthy partner, or to chose unhealthy partners. Chronic anger and sensitivity to the partner’s absence, e.g. silence in a conversation, may be part of a repertoire of distancing behaviours that result in a repetition of loss of caring and closeness.

This issue can be healed if the individual suffering this childhood loss, is willing to explore the implications of the perceived uncaring parent(s). The pain must be identified and felt, grief over the loss of caring, and there must be insight or understanding into how the perceived parental uncaring affects current relationships.

A common scenario is that anger toward the uncaring parent is projected onto the significant partner who is perceived as uncaring regardless of reassurances and demonstrations of caring. Rather than react in frustration, the significant partner is best served by perceiving the one suffering the loss of parental caring as wounded and in need of healing.

The process of healing may be lengthy and may be heavily defended depending on the degree of rage and anger as well as underlying pain such as sadness, fear, emptiness, guilt, low self-worth, and despair. However, personal strengths such as intelligence and self-awareness can reduce the time needed for healing.

For more in-depth therapeutic interventions see https://www.amazon.ca/Effective-Counseling-Skills-therapeuticstatements/dp/1478194995