Colour Issue No.9

ISSUE 09 SPRING 2020

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hi I’m Brandon Wilburn, Colour’s editor in chief for issue no. 9.

This past semester has been incredibly tough with the sudden ending of in-person school, the separation from our friends, and the inability to come together as a collective. However, we still want to share our stories with you. This issue signals a different time for Colour and for all of us. This digital issue stands as a reflection in this time of social distancing.

Colour also stands as a magazine to promote diversity and inclusion and an appreciation for art and journalism. And right now, our black community is hurting. Now and forever is a time to be active in promoting healthy change in our society, starting at the individual and into the greater systems at play. Remember all black lives matter today, tomorrow, and always, not just when it’s relevant.

Listen, learn and enjoy.

Sincerely, Brandon Wilburn Editor in Chief Colour

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

CONTENTS

CONTENTS

4

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

5

CONTENTS

6

THE TEAM

12

NOSTALGIA

16

SWEET SAUDADE

20

INSERT_IDENTITY

14

DEAR MILLENIUM, INADEQUATE WITNESS

24

MANIFEST DESTINY

32

A SISTER’S GAZE

36

NO MORE PARTIES IN BD

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OUROBOROS

42

RECLAIMATION

44

POTONA

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COLORING IN THE IVORY TOWER

57

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A PAID PROGRAMMING

62

MONOCHROMATIC FRACTURES

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ONE MOMENT

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6

THE TEAM

THE TEAM BRANDON WILBURN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

RACHEL PAULK

GENESIS MCCREE

SENIOR PHOTOGRAPHER

STAFF WRITER

JOSIE ROBINSON

PRANAY PALVADI

STAFF WRITER

STAFF WRITER

THE TEAM

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THOMAS NO

KRISTINA YOU

PHOTOGRAPHER

SENIOR DESIGNER

ROB HALL TYLER BURSTON STAFF WRITER

SAIMA CHOUDBURY SENIOR COPY EDITOR

SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR/ EXTERNAL EVENTS DIRECTOR

ERICA WEI STAFF WRITER

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THE TEAM

CAITLIN KIM

KAYLYN WEBSTER

DESIGNER

DESIGNER

MARC RIDGELL

ASAPH BAY

STAFF WRITER

DESIGNER

MONTEZ GBEWONYO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

COLLEEN AVILA INTERNAL EVENTS DIRECTOR/ STAFF WRITER

THE TEAM

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NOOR BEKHIET

JELANI DEAJONJACKSON

STAFF WRITER

TREASURER

LIANNE KANG

SARAH AUCHES

SOCIAL MEDIA

DESIGNER

JORDAN COLEY

KIMBERLY CLARK

STAFF WRITER

DESIGNER

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THE TEAM

CYDNEY BIBBS

BERSABEH ZENEBE

DESIGNER

STAFF WRITER

DANIEL CAZERES

KAREN AN-HWEI LEE

STAFF WRITER

STAFF WRITER

LILY HYON STAFF WRITER

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NOSTALGIA

N O S TA L G I A Nostos algos | Return Home pain

Nostalgia is a tricky word, a delicate emotion, and an over-complicated human invention. It’s a universal feeling that seems to evoke itself by its own volition. Something as simple as a smell or song can hark back to the past. Whether we like it or not, nostalgia will always rear its ugly head, capturing us in its petrifying gaze, and infecting us with its venom eliciting memories both joyous and painful.

We traditionally define nostalgia as a longing, an aching, for a simpler time and an easier past.

However, the truth is that the past is always painful, usually more painful than the present. The

DANIEL CAZERES

past only seems blissful when we look back on it through rose-tinted glasses.To remove those lenses is to overlook those peaceful bike rides, cathartic sleepovers, and trips to the pool and instead remember the yelling, the screaming and fighting, the people we’ve forgotten, the friendships we’ve broken, and the relationships tarnished.

As someone facing adulthood I can’t help but feel nostalgia and reflect back on childhood, adolescence, and the brief collection of experiences that have molded me. As a person of color, look ing back at the past one involves recalling all the injustices they witnessed and experienced that

DANIEL CAZERES

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“As someone facing adulthood I can’t help but feel nostalgia and reflect back on childhood, adolescence, and the brief collection of experiences that have molded me.”

forced them to confront the realities of the world.

I began to notice it in elementary school. I guess I was lucky, being one of the only Brown or Black kids not to be placed in remedial classes. Lucky to not be a victim of a modern separate but equal clause.

What did those white school administrators think when they stuffed Brown and Black kids into remedial classes? That the rest of us would have the knowledge and decency to treat our fellow students with the respect they deserved as human beings?

Fuck no. They were ostracized, made pariahs by a community of innocent children that otherwise

should have accepted them because they were publicly labeled “dumb” by a white school system.

A community of children that came from families that for the most part, didn’t have any needs, only wants. But children are just products of their environment. Our environment was a seemingly inclusive community on the surface.

However, no matter how rural or urbanized, liberal or conservative, a community, the human desire to hate is always present. And it’s easiest to hate those that are different, be it a different race, different classes, or both. I still remember the countless times a teacher or authority figure

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NOSTALGIA

addressed me as Jose, Jesus, or Alejandro simply because they couldn’t be bothered to tell Brown boy 1 from Brown boy 2. They had no problem telling the 15 different Courtneys, Sallys, Laurens, and Emilys apart, but they could care less when it came to Black and Brown boys. Again, children are products of their environment, and after years of shrugging off microaggressions and more overt racist remarks, I learned one thing. I learned how to stay quiet and unnoticed and became a product of a white environment. I began only using my race as a comedic crutch for self-deprecating humor. In a way, I was trained. Trained not to express pride in my ancestry and disrupt the white status quo.

High school was no different, despite the administration’s effort. It was a school packed with upper class white liberals who said mildly progressive statements in hopes that they would gain some form of “woke clout”. They didn’t actually believe anything they said, nor would they. Behind closed

doors, they thought of all hispanics as Mexicans and they were uncomfortable around Mexicans and Blacks.

At WashU, things are at least slightly different, slightly better, on my end and on society’s end.

Society has grown a bit more tolerable over the years and the community here is a bit more socially conscious. But nostalgia inherently drives one to compare past and present. When I’m overcome by nostalgia, I’m forced to relive the experiences that made me, me.

This time however, I’m not just some weak child afraid to speak their mind and be thrust into the spotlight. And in the end, nostalgia reminds me that all racism succeeded in doing was turn a clueless child into the thing it fears the most, an educated Brown man.

DANIEL CAZERES

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“This time, however, I’m not just some weak child afraid to speak their mind and be thrust into the spotlight.”

5 1, 6

LILY HYON

Dreams that are ruined by the notion of reality/ The false (ideal) self that now becomes the true self, Digital print, 43in x 30in each, 2019

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SWEET SAUDADE LILY HYON

LILY HYON True self and false self are psychological concepts introduced into psychoanalysis in 1960 by Donald Winnicott.

True self is used to describe a sense of self based on a feeling of being alive, having a real self. The false self is a defensive facade which could leave its holders lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty, behind a mere appearance of being real.

The false self overrides the sense of true self, just like how reality ruins dreams and who you once truly used to be.

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SWEET SAUDADE

7 , 8 Untitled Series (that has to do with undying things), Digital photograph, size variable, 2019

On my fond attachment toward plastic and all things fake and undying—it’s plastic fantastic.

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<INSERT_IDENTITY>

<insert_identity> GENESIS MCCREE

Growing up, I always felt comfortable with how I lived

The doubt that these questions brought caused me

life with my parents and sisters. I always surrounded

to start to have some doubt with my own self-identity.

myself with friends who were different from myself

These doubts that I had became a clear problem

which created an ethnically diverse group. Doing so, I

towards the end of high school with my doubt of who

never really encountered a problem with being ethni-

I am - a girl who is both Hispanic and Black.

cally isolated from other cultural backgrounds.

Every time I thought about who I am as a person and My parents did their best to combine both cultures into

where I fit in the world, I could always tell that I formu-

my childhood, despite the differences that both had.

late my answer depending on who’s around me. And

The unique aspect of my family, though, came with the

that makes sense considering how no one really wants

spectrum of how my siblings and I took on certain

to self-inflict isolation on themselves and instead seek

facial features of each parent with some having more

some sort of relationship. People questioning my her-

of the mom’s side of European or Native Mexican Amer-

itage and where I stood in both my parents’ communi-

ican looks and some having dad’s Black features.

ties. The inability of some people not wanting to accept

With me and my siblings all looking vastly different but

me in the communities that I felt justified to have a

still somewhat related, it sometimes brought the ann-

space in brought my own identity crisis issue to light. I

oying habit of people questioning either our relation.

questioned my own standing in the communities that

GENESIS MCCREE

“I questioned my own standing in the communties that I identified with”

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<INSERT_IDENTITY>

“In a battle where nothing I can do appeases everyone,

I identified with and it hurt to be criticized for not being

Growing to learn who I was and how I wanted to be

enough of whatever was considered the epitome of

perceived with my identity became an aspect of myself

Blackness or being Hispanic.

that I grew more conscious as I got older. I learned how to accept that everyone wasn’t going to agree or

Creating these umbrella identities for what is consid-

feel comfortable with how I claimed my identity. Some

ered a common experience for people in a culture

would bother themselves with trying to tell me to pick

brought to my attention some of the prevalent colour-

a side. Some would bother to tell me to combine both

ism that sadly still exists today. In a society where as

identities to a simple “biracial” label. In a battle where

a collective, we strive for respect and equality for every-

nothing I can do appeases everyone, I learned that

one. But I never thought I would have to explain to

the only person I need to appease is myself and that’s

someone that I didn’t believe that racial communities

the only thing that matters. And maybe one day, we’ll

had to have one look or aspect of that identity to claim

live in a world where how a person defines themselves

such. I never thought that I would have to explain that

means more than people’s opinions.

yes two minority people can get married and that the mixed community does not consist of just white mixed with whatever else. I never thought that I would feel uncomfortable with claiming my identity. As if I was the fraud in a community that I had a rightful place.

GENESIS MCCREE

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I learned that the only person I need to appease is myself. â&#x20AC;?

Dear Millenium,

INADEQUATE

WITNESS KAREN AN-HWEI LEE

KAREN AN-HWEI LEE

Say we no longer bear witness to a

body-politic of trauma after revolution by anesthesia or erasure.

Say we cover our eyes to crossed olive-wood beams on a hill.

Modes of witness expose our inadequacy,

the human.

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DEAR MILLENIUM, INADEQUATE WITNESS

Forgetting is a sign—yes, a thing once existed. Say we are unworthy of witness, internal or external—

KAREN AN-HWEI LEE

damaged wisdom, for instance, our diminished capacity for empathy and heightened apathy to torture our

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DEAR MILLENIUM, INADEQUATE WITNESS

mingled with doves of unfettered desire or an eclipsed

divine.

This project was one done out of love as much as it was conviction.

This photo series is one we hope can portray the diversity that truly contributes to the beauty of the Asian and Pacific Islander community.

It is important to remember that it is still under the responsibility of not only those who hold this identity, but to those who wish to be allies. We must shift from a perspective of passivity to one of action in order to become the progenitors of a more just and transparent generation.

DIRECTION & PHOTOGRAPHY

Josie Robinson Erica Wei

MODELS

Saima Choudhury Michael Dizon Amanda Hua

Gabby Jung Angie Liu Jacob Longmeyer

Akshat Sharma Shannon Su Sylvia Yu

MANIFEST DESTINY

THOMAS NO

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MANIFEST DESTINY

THOMAS NO

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MANIFEST DESTINY

THOMAS NO

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MANIFEST DESTINY

THOMAS NO

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A SISTER’S GAZE RACHEL PAULK

A Sister’s Gaze My dad always told me that my sister is “the best friend I will ever have.” As we have spent these last few months apart, I often look through these photos of Jasmine as a source of comfort.

A SISTERâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S GAZE

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NO MORE PARTIES IN BD

no more parties in BD

MARC RIDGELL

Boppin’ music, free souls, kindred spirits, and moving

Although that night had some more interesting esca-

bodies create the ambiance of whatever club or party

pades, I would rate my first night out a 7/10.

that I have attended.

My next actual night out was a few weeks later at Seems lit, right?

nowhere else than the infamous “Big Daddy’s.” Now, although I do my rates at the end, that sh*t was

Well, existing in WashU’s strange party culture has

straight up trash. Basically, I went with two of my (girl)

not been the easiest for me. The first time I ever went

friends, one Black, and the other was a non-Black per-

“out, out” was the first ever Thursday. My newly-made

son of color. My non-Black friend knew a lot of people

(girl) friends and I got dressed all cute and went to an

from her floor who were there--so sis was having FUN! I

18+ club (granted, I was not 18 yet). When I got there,

was happy that she was out there on the squeaky floor

the crowd was demographically diverse, yes; I saw

living her best life. While she was out living her life,

my black people and I immediately felt comfortable.

my other Black friend and I were trying to get into the

With my girls, I started swerving whatever “hips” that I

groove, but, at least for me, it was not happening. As

thought I had. I eventually showed my twerking skills,

someone who does not partake in underage drinking,

my friends and others in the club “gassing” me up. As

my experience probably could have been better if I did

someone who has never been in a relationship, I never

take a shot or two. The intense body odor, incessant

knew what “love in the air” felt like. There, however, I

shuffle of EDM songs (there were a few lit songs, I’d

spotted some attractive boys that I assumed were not

give them that), and inexcusable pushing just did not

straight: femininity and mannerisms truly go a long

rub me the right way. I felt disgusted. Lastly, after a

way. Yes, I am stereotyping--so what? I can do that.

while, I noticed that, within a full club, my Black friend and I were two of very few Black kids--whew, chile.

MARC RIDGELL

“My first (and probably only) Big Daddy’s experience was truly BMS WW (below, my *damn* scale).”

Although the night was not “it,” my Black friend and I got some cute pics out of the night.

My first (and probably only) Big Daddy’s experience was truly BMS (below, my *damn* scale).

My last three major party experiences solely were Black parties. And, although I am Black American and I know and vibe with a lot of the music played, types of dancing, and people there, my experience feels strange, existing at the crux of expressing my sexuality while also subconsciously trying to repress it. And while a lot of these feelings have existed at non-Black parties, the fact that these Black-specific parties have not been the perfect experience for me makes me want to explore this social aspect of college, partying, that I once thought was necessary to have fun while still being young.

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trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash

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NO MORE PARTIES IN BD

Cold air rushes in the basement window of Hamsi-

intensity of Black culture. But, I felt isolated at this

ni when I felt the rush of Black energy. On this cool

party. When I attended this function, Valentine’s Day

November night, I knew that I made the right decision

was around the corner, and all the heterosexuality truly

when I chose to go to Twerktober. Out of all my Black

jumped out: the grinding, whining, and twerking. My

party experiences, Twerktober was my favorite. I actual-

friend that accompanied me to the party found her a

ly took some confident photos.

lil’ boo at the party; therefore, I had to dance freely in

A couple months pass from Twerktober, and then I come back to Wash. U. from Christmas break. The first Black party of 2020 was such a soul-crushing experience--literally. I went with my sis up Forsyth to the event, and no one was there because we were the only nagging first-years to arrive. However, I, a first-year representative for the Association of Black Students, was asked to stand at the door so that I could start receiving the cash for people to enter. My friend that

... I do not have to adhere to these social standards within party spaces and I actually am not “missing out” on the college experience by having to attend and enjoy every single party.

I came with joined me at the front door, and it was so fun vibing to the music, collecting money, and greeting

the crowd and chill with my other friends there. After

people. Later, however, I actually joined the party. This

a while, I started to feel tired and in distress. I was

party was not bad, actually. Although the fast-paced

confused as to why I felt this way. Something about the

energy, bumping bodies, and body odor really snatched

intense environment where I felt like a sense of unbe-

my soul, the party was cute, nonetheless.

longing, and I felt overwhelmed. After these feelings rushed through my head as I was squished between

My most recent party experience occurred on a cold

a multitude of bodies, I made the decision to leave.

February night. After being backstage all week, I knew

On that brisk cold walk back down to Shepley Drive, I

that this party had to be bomb. The party was bomb-

realized that I could actually dislike partying, whether

-for some individuals. But, for me, this party made

it be in Black or non-Black spaces. As an introverted

me question why I wanted to participate in the typical

extrovert, I love my alone time, but I thrive in social

college social scenes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love

situations, and I love being around those who I care

to exist in Black spaces with Black people with a high

for the most. And though I may be an extrovert, parties

MARC RIDGELL do not have to align with my personal hobbies. I could invest my time in other social scenes. Initially, I thought that party spaces would not be fit for me because of my intersectional social identities. But, after seeing my friends in my dorm after the party that night, they affirmed my feelings, and told me that I do not have to adhere to these social standards within party spaces and I actually am not â&#x20AC;&#x153;missing outâ&#x20AC;? on the college experience by having to attend and enjoy every single party. They told me, instead, to listen to my intuition, and trust my heart when I may or may not like certain activities. I mean, they are extremely correct, because why would I spend my short college life trying the same action but not always being sure as to whether or not I would enjoy it?

There are people out there who share similar intersectional social identities as me who enjoy partying. My narrative with partying is one of many stories--some great, and some not so great. But, what I do know is that, even if the ways I identify may affect how I feel at parties, does not mean that I should stop those similar social scenes altogether. Now, I have learned that partying in moderation is best, sometimes staying in creates beautiful memories, and to be aware about what type of party space you are entering. Although a challenge, you can create the ambiance and set the scene of your own night--and sometimes, that creation includes leaving the party scene and culminating your own.

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OUROBOROS

TYLER BURSTON

In my dreams, our collective reaper is kind

like eating swine

She watches over us with love, knowing that she is not

The corpse you ate comes back to poison you but that’s

executioner

not even justice

But rather someone to gently carry us into absence

It’s more like black comedy

when we’ve been exhausted She prefers to pick us up when our veins are not open

My people wallow, my master laughs in suicidality, my

But she doesn’t get to choose, this idol that that calls

reaper weeps with tired arms

itself my master beckons her

My real God looks down on me (through me, with me), And wishes humanity knew that the divine only craft but

And I’m sick of talking about my master as if it’s a God

don’t control

I’m sick of immortalizing genocide as genius

Like a child

I’m sick of thinking that the structure is more sophisti-

The divine shapes us from clay, out of curiosity

cated than me

But is forced to watch as nature breaks our merciful but

As if deifying yourself saves you from being crushed

porous form

under your own hubris

Like the ocean water waterlogging sandcastles until their symmetry fades away

My master is stupid It makes faulty inventions

When I talk with my reaper

It eats itself like Ouroboros

She reminds me that I create this order, not her

Cannibalizes itself under nuclear songs

That we have more power than our Creators and our

My master thinks that by killing me it can somehow

angels

preserve itself

But that the panacea might be found

Everyone wants to be a vampire but colonialism is more

In the idea that divinity is more imagination than control

TYLER BURSTON

ILLUSTRATION BY BRANDON WILBURN

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RECLAMATION

NOOR ADEL BEKHIET

RECLAMATION

NOOR ADEL BEKHIET

the sun, the sun, she drags her by the ankles revitalizing

she gives she pulls

every no care

step. to sadness

to anger to dissapointment. she says “dance” so she does she says “laugh” so she does she says “feel” so she does she breathes god into lungs once polluted, too contaminated to even sigh in defeat. with one exhale reclaiming the body she loves the mind she loves

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POTONA

COLLEEN AVILA JORDAN COLEY

ILLUSTRATION BY AGATHE SORLET

Potona

COLLEEN AVILA

51

Every time I walk up the stairs in front of my cousin,

perfect and deserving of all the sorts of divine feminine

my godmother, my mother, my sister, my friend, all in

enjoyment, including boobs.)

the same, every time I walk up the stairs —she gently slaps it. It being my butt. “Potona”, she calls me, “poto”

What I mean to say by all this is not that butt men are

as butt and the “-na” turning it into a proper noun, I

good. Do not mistake my words: I not think men are

am Potona, girl with a butt, girl with a big butt, indeed

particularly good. What I mean to say is that butt men

that is me. That never made sense to me. I don’t have

are brown. Boob men are white. If you are not con-

anything to slap. And I don’t need someone to tell me I

vinced by the vague “truthiness” I attach to this state-

do, but if you do tell me I promise I’ll like it.

ment, I understand. An appeal to cultural norms can explain my theory more concretely: Latina and Black

Regardless, by process of elimination, I am a butt

women have bigger butts. These sorts of body shapes

girl. It simply would not make sense for me not to be.

have engrained themselves in the beauty standards

Latinas have fat asses don’t they? No, nobody watches

of our cultures, and made it so that these features are

the Superbowl halftime show to gawk at Shakira and J.

valued, whereas in white cultures other features are

Lo’s boobs. And for some reason, the idea of someone

valued.

doing that seems indescribably creepy to me, gives me heebiejeebies (sorry to Gina Rodriguez), sends a cold

But I’m not here to talk about science. Regardless of

shiver straight through my ass. Why does boob fixation

why it happens to be, my indisputable self-truth will

feel so unnatural and unlawful to me where butt fixa-

induce discomfort at the thought of a boob man (white

tion does not?

man) and not at the thought of a butt man (brown man). As I categorize the people I meet, they catego-

The answer came to me intuitively. Suddenly the sky

rize themselves, and have repeatedly and consistently

opened up and Woman God placed the solution before

confirmed my instincts. Yet, within this framework that

me, granting me ultimate clarity in my time of need.

Woman God has provided me, while I find security and

Boob guys are white guys. Butt guys are not.

clarity, it is perhaps underlied and underscored by the unwavering fact that for me, nor boob nor butt men are

Yes, this is truth. I know this with the depths of any

to be trusted — only the non-men who create beauty,

shallow understanding I may have, that even if this

are beauty, and properly love beauty can be.

is not factually, statistically true, it holds an intrinsic trueness that cannot be ripped away from it. Read it again and feel it in your soul. Doesn’t it just feel right?

Imagine a man who prefers boobs. Is there not a sort of inherent whiteness attached to that image? Even detaching myself from the intuitive uncomfortableness I associate with white men as a woman of color, being a boob man is creepy. A man who prefers butts, on the other hand, feels less creepy in my mind, as a result of how natural I find butt fixation to be (that is not to say, however, that butt men cannot also be just as disturbing). (And a woman or non-binary person who likes boobs is excused from all this discourse; they are

JENNIFER LOPEZ & SHAKIRA’S PERFORMANCE AT THE SUPER BOWL LIV HALFTIME SHOW,2020

52

COLORING IN THE IVORY TOWER

Coloring in the Ivory Tower In Fall 2017, of approximately 800,000 full-time

SAIMA CHOUDHURY

THE COLONIZATION OF ACADEMIA

faculty at postsecondary educational institutions in the United States, 41% were white males, 35% were

Most professors I spoke with feel that their fields

white females, 6% were Asian/Pacific Islander males,

are dominated by white men and could benefit from

5% were Asian/Pacific Islander females, 3% were black

increased diversity. Many professors recalled having no

males, 3% were black females, 3% were Hispanic

or very few professors of color as undergraduate and/

males, and 3% were Hispanic females (“Characteris-

or graduate students. This lack of diversity creates an

tics,” 2019). But what about at WashU, an institution

exclusionary environment that leaves behind faculty

which prides itself on being a champion of diversity?

(especially women) of color. One professor commented:

While heading to an interview with a professor for this article, I passed by a poster with photos of the

“So [white male colleagues] are not saying, “Let’s

professors for the College Writing program; 3 out of

exclude the black female professor,” but it’s more like,

28 were people of color, with only one presenting as

“Oh, we like to play golf, let’s go and play golf.” If I never

a woman of color. Every year, over 1,000 first year

played golf… then that’s not the circle I’m tryna hang

students go through the College Writing program, but

with. (Black, female)”

how many of them see themselves represented in their professors? Most departments at WashU are majority

While white faculty may not intentionally exclude

(sometimes entirely) white. I interviewed nine profes-

their colleagues of color, the natural tendencies to

sors of color in white-dominated departments in the

stay within familiar groups and bond over shared

four undergraduate schools (Arts & Sciences, McKelvey

experiences inevitably pushes non-white faculty out of

School of Engineering, Olin Business School, Sam Fox

critical spaces where important decisions are made

School of Design & Visual Arts) to learn more about

and relationships are built. The lack of representation

their experiences. In these interviews, three common

of people of color in these spaces further continues

themes emerged: the colonization of academia, an

the cycle of limited access to institutional power for

extra burden of labor, and the importance of networks

racial minorities. Furthermore, beyond the structural

and mentoring.

inequalities that a homogeneously vanilla academic discipline perpetuates, it also values white Eurocentric knowledge over all other perspectives. One professor recounted:

SAIMA CHOUDHURY

“When I was at [graduate school] I never finished my

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AN EXTRA BURDEN OF LABOR

PhD because… everything I did was empirically related to Western philosophy, and Eastern philosophy was

Many of the professors I interviewed described

never part of the academic discourse, so the fact that I

common experiences surrounding the additional work

had to learn German and French made me very upset.

outside of teaching and/or research required of faculty

(East Asian, male)”

of color. Examples of this extra labor include balancing one’s job with community engagement and combating

It is important to note that not all racial minorities are

microaggressions to prove one’s competence. In other

underrepresented in academia. For example, in deter-

words, faculty of color are forced to pay the “minority

mining which academic departments at WashU were

tax”, or “the tax of extra responsibilities placed on

majority white, I found that some engineering depart-

minority faculty in the name of efforts to achieve diver-

ments are not majority white because of high percent-

sity” (Rodríguez et al., 2015, p. 1). As one professor

ages of Asian men. Additionally, I was relieved to find

noted, “when they need this color, they come to you”

that departments such as African and African-Ameri-

(East Asian, female).

can Studies and East Asian Languages and Cultures are also not majority white. However, this relief was largely

Professors of color often feel internal pressure to

squashed by the realization that almost every other

single-handedly support and advocate for students and

department at this university is at least 50% white.

colleagues who share their racial identity. One professor noted the “emotional labor” that goes into investing in underrepresented students and the tendency of the department to put the onus on minority faculty to champion diversity efforts:

54

COLORING IN THE IVORY TOWER

“The problem with [departmental efforts to create a

“[T]he educational systems and cultivating diversity

diverse community] though is that to a certain point

within them was as important as, like, literally the thing

it becomes additional labor for the same [minority]

that got me into [academia]. Yeah, but its absence was

faculty, and faculty of color tend to be overburdened

the thing that prevented me from getting into it sooner.

with additional labor because sometimes they’re the

(East Asian/LatinX, male)”

only faculty of color in their department, and they have additional responsibilities trying to get tenure, but also

Not only do minority professors often feel obligated to

there are students who are seeking them. And so that’s

be champions of diversity, but they are also sometimes

another layer of work that often times is not paid.

forced to disprove negative stereotypes and prove that

(LatinX, male)”

they are qualified for their jobs. While all of the professors I spoke to had positive experiences at WashU,

The same professor further elaborated on the physical

some described negative experiences elsewhere. One

toll this additional labor can take on faculty of color,

professor recounted microaggressions she had faced

noting that they “have high mortality rates, and they

at other institutions:

get sick very young” (LatinX, male).

“I mean, they’re not gonna call me the n-word, but I Faculty of color are also often more dedicated to craft-

mean, they’ll make a note to make sure they call the

ing representative syllabi, an effort that many white

white professors “Dr. Whatever”… It’s the little things.

professors may be less intentional about. Multiple

(Black, female)”

professors explained their thoughtfulness in choosing a diverse collection of scholars to be studied in their

She also explained that many of her black female

courses. One professor joked that in her efforts to

colleagues have syllabi “almost twenty pages long” to

include diversity of gender, racial, and sexual identities

explicity lay out policies and avoid having their author-

in her curriculum, she “need[ed] to make sure [she]

ity challenged by students. While female professors of

include[d] a white man” (South Asian, female). Another

color seemed to be the most likely to experience these

professor explained the personal importance of diversi-

microaggressions, I found that Asian male professors

ty in scholarship:

spoke less about facing negative treatment based on race.

SAIMA CHOUDHURY

55

THE IMPORTANCE OF NETWORKS AND MENTORING Studies show that “life course mentoring is crucial” (Zambrana et al., 2015, p. 62) to the success of underrepresented minorities in academia. Many of the

“they’ll make a note to make sure they call the white professors …

It’s the little things...”

interviews I conducted included a significant focus on the necessity of having a strong network of faculty with shared experiences and mentors who help minority faculty navigate the unfamiliar politics of academia.

Some professors spoke of having an informal support system of scholars who come from a similar racial background, which one professor referred to as her “tribe of black academics” (Black, female). Many also described the impact mentors have had on their careers, regardless of whether or not the mentee and mentor were of the same race. One professor described an effective mentor as one who makes the mentee “privy to the inequalities in the [academic] discipline” (South Asian, female).

The professors also noted the role they play as mentors to students of color. One professor noticed: “I have a sense that maybe when I have students of color in my office... that perhaps those conversations go a little longer. You know, that we end up talking about not just coursework, but what they want to do,

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COLORING COLORINGIN INTHE THEIVORY IVORYTOWER TOWER

what they’re thinking about, what their interests are.

(South Asian, male).”

DIVERSE FACULTY AND STUDENT EXPERIENCE

While mentorship is important to students and faculty

Not only is having diverse faculty important so students

of color alike, it is important to note that this is an-

of color can see professors who look like them excel-

other form of additional labor imposed upon minority

ling in their fields, but it is also beneficial for students

professors. While it is natural for mentees to gravitate

of all racial identities to learn from exposure to diverse

toward mentors with whom they are likely to share

perspectives. Professors of color are essential to

experiences, faculty of color can become overburdened

fostering a robust learning environment at WashU and

when they are forced to act as the sole role model for

other universities, and yet so many of their common

students looking for representation. One professor

struggles are rarely addressed effectively. As students,

feels like he has to “trailblaze” to uphold the image of

it is important that we recognize and appreciate our

black academics in his field (Black, male). Unfortunate-

professors for all that they do. I would like to express

ly, because of the lack of representation in academia,

my deepest gratitude to the professors who took the

there are “still not enough mentors” (Black, female).

time to share their experiences with me for this piece.

Shout out to professors of color supporting students of color (and Colour)!

SAIMA CHOUDHURY

REFERENCES Characteristics of Postsecondary Faculty. (2019, May).

Retrieved February 13, 2020, from https://nces. ed.gov/programs/coe/indicator_csc.asp Rodríguez, J. E., Campbell, K. M., & Pololi, L. (2015). Address

ing disparities in academic medicine: What of the

minority tax? BMC Medical Education, 15(1). doi: 10.1186/s12909-015-0290-9 Zambrana, R. E., Ray, R., Espino, M. M., Castro, C., Cohen, B.

D., & Eliason, J. (2015). “Don’t Leave Us Behind”:

The Importance of Mentoring for Underrepresented

Minority Faculty. American Educational Research

Journal, 52(1), 40–72. doi:10.3102/00028312145 63063

57

T H E F O L LO W I N G I S N OT A P A I D P RO G R A M M I N G .

Some of us seek instructions.

Not the kind found on the back of a deep conditioning bottle, but the kind that describes how to assemble ourselves.

We do it to look better, to feel better, to take care of our health and well-being.

We are the owners of the products that nourish our roots and take care of our skin. We must always stay conscious of ourselves.

BERSABEH ZENEBE

BERSABEH ZENEBE

59

60

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A PAID PROGRAMMING

spaces for black girls

BERSABEH ZENEBE

this experience is a luxury you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t afford

61

62

POLYCHROMATIC FRACTURES

ILLUSTRATION BY JORDAN COLEY

JORDAN COLEY

JORDAN COLEY

Polychromatic Fractures Composed a portrait of myself and now It’s fragmented Torn asunder in the midst of your gaze, Like I’ve always been comfortable in Black and now I’m surrounded by Trapped by white I think love is music Constantly falling into the rhythm of my feelings, But suddenly all I feel is untethered Dazed in the fog of my feelings Perplexed on how to see myself This new self, Love has always tied my body in knots But now there are new colors Pulsing through my veins, making my heart Sprint with joy/ Fear?

Tones so brilliant they stay etched in my memory for days Ensconced in new music and new colors, But distanced from my Blackness How do I compose a new portrait With my love/music And my Black/skin

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64

ONE MOMENT

ONE MOMENT

Pranay Palvadi

Everything Seems Fine. Everything is fine. Everything is,

you can become unrecognizable, everyone turns into a

in order.

stranger, so-called familiar places feel like unexplored environments from another world. At this point, all you

Until itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not. All it takes is one moment, a minute, an

have left is the little voice inside you that serves as the

indiscriminate, insignificant moment in time. Since the

only link to the life you once knew. But over time the

concept of time can be quite subjective, let's delve into

memories begin to fade and you are just suspended

the relativity of insignificance, in the context of time.

between two realities and neither of which feels real.

From a purely objective and empirical standpoint. One second can reasonably be considered an insignificant

Why is life worth living if you have no control?

amount of time because hardly anything can happen

What is life without any loved ones?

that rapidly. However, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s make this analysis more

How do you live if you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel connected?

realistic and also consider emotions and feelings. One

Well, you just do.

second can make a world of difference if anything

There really is no solution.

regarding the brain is involved. One second can be all it takes for the world to lose its color, for joy to disappear,

Not everything in life can be solved and barely anything

or for a brain to be engulfed in darkness. Your reflec-

makes sense.

tion can become a stranger; a strange emotionless being following your every move, to the point where you can no longer recognize yourself. You drift through your existence and merely observe the world around you, rather than engage with it. The people closest to

All I know is that one moment is all it takes.

PRANAY PALVADI

65

@COLOUR.MAG 314-884-8537 COLOUR@SU.WUSTL.EDU