Paradigm

LESS-THAN-IDEAL CIRCUMSTANCES

In some ways, it’s encouraging to realize the Bible portrays no perfect family. While it provides principles and structures for families to thrive, it is also filled with stories of less-than-ideal families, from polygamous fathers to jealousy-filled siblings. It’s an honest portrayal of the real world.

Today, many families don’t fit what Adventists have traditionally considered “ideal.” Besides traditional nuclear families, there are blended and single-parent families resulting from divorce or death of a parent, and even families led by cohabiting, unmarried couples. No matter what your current family structure is, all families have the potential for both successes and challenges.

Some children of divorce argue that their parents’ divorce gave a welcome end to constant conflict in a toxic home environment. While it is clear the Bible intended for marriage to be lifelong, an empty marriage filled with bitterness is also far from what God intended. As a family therapist, I (Thomas) see firsthand how the breakdown in the family, the rejection of the other parent, emotional avoidance and a toxic or abusive environment can all have a detrimental impact on children, whether it culminates in divorce or not.

Happy marriages and families are rarely accidental. When red flags arise, take the time to find help, whether through a supportive community, books by experts or seeking professional services.

Setting The Stage

In many ways, the best foundation parents can provide for their children starts before children come into the picture. Premarital counseling gives every new couple a distinct advantage. Discussing values and beliefs about family management before having kids will help ensure the couple enters into parenting on the same page.

It is also beneficial to assess the positive and negative things learned from one’s parents. For instance, Trent, a freelance graphic designer, recalls his parents put a lot of emphasis on “memorable moments,” something he tries to replicate in taking his daughters out on dates and going on family trips across the country. On the other hand, while his parents provided materially for him and his siblings, he can’t ever recall his father saying “I love you” to him as a child. As a result, every night he tells his three girls he loves them, even calling 18-year-old Moraya, a freshman at Andrews University (Mich.), to say those three words.

Helping Your Kids Define Their Faith

Ruben and Claudia were raised in strict Hispanic Seventh-day Adventist households. For Ruben, the intense Adventism approach and being forced to be an example to others made him want to rebel and do just the opposite.

Now as parents, they want to make sure their children see Sabbath as enjoyable, not restrictive.

Need Ideas for Special Sabbath Activities?

• Light a candle at sundown Friday to denote the start of a special time with Jesus.

• Start Sabbath morning with “Happy Sabbath pancakes.”

• Discover a new Christian artist or podcast.

• Create a seasonal scavenger hunt.

• Watch Hope+ Kids animated Bible stories on YouTube.

• Make an artistic card, and give it to a neighbor.

• On a nature walk, quietly have each family member listen for a different bird song.

• Work on an Adventurer or Pathfinder honor.

• Play Bible games, including the new Heroes Bible trivia game, available for free from the App Store or Google Play.

“We try and convey to our children the principle that Sabbath is a day to get closer to God, to fellowship with friends and family, to rest and do different things that you don’t normally get a chance to do on weekdays,” says Ruben.

“Growing up, we couldn’t turn on the TV on Sabbath,” adds Claudia. “Now we watch Christian or nature movies. We have worship, play music and read stories.”

Alyssa shares, “We’ve had to allow our kids to shape Adventism for themselves, even if it’s not always convenient.” She drives to various church services on Sabbath to cater to the different needs of her children. “The long game is, if I want my kids to stay in the church and fall in love with Sabbath, I may need to find out-of-the-box ways to help accomplish that.” As a result, the family has spent many Sabbaths visiting historical national parks— seeing much of the United States.

Nancy’s husband, Zune, an Army family medicine physician, adds, “We try and do family worship every day at bedtime … and read the Sabbath School lesson. We talk about it, then write a paragraph on what we learned. I believe that the Bible and prayer are at the core of training up a child with a spiritual perspective, equipping them to naturally apply biblical principles to life.”

Training And Correction

Just as Christians want to be “disciples” of Christ, all parents should be concerned with discipline. After all, “discipline” is simply about helping children learn to be self-controlled.

Ruben notes, “As [our children] get older, it’s crucial they know how to [be disciplined and how to] structure themselves and manage their time.”

Zune agrees. “I’m a firm believer in the idea that children need to be trained. … It’s simply not enough just to place children in a nurturing environment. The goal is really to help children develop their own sense of self-discipline.”

The subject of discipline tends to be influenced a lot by our culture. Spanking is a hotly debated topic that is more acceptable in some countries than others. Research has shown that spanking tends to produce negative effects on children. This would differ from some Christians who advocate for prayerfully talking with a child before spanking them. However, the research also points out that the problem is that most parents who spank their children do so out of anger or impatience, conveying the idea that it is OK to lash out when angry, rather than being a corrective, last-resort option. Punishing children rarely works as an effective way to change behavior or motivate a child. Many times, it just makes children afraid. As parents, we need to learn alternative strategies to mold our children besides relying on punishments.

In the classic parenting book Child Guidance, Ellen White says: “Be so calm, so free from anger, that they will be convinced that you love them, even though you punish them. … Never give your child a passionate blow, unless you want him to learn to fight and quarrel. As parents you stand in the place of God to your children, and you are to be on guard.” (Read more on pages 249–252.)

Both Ellen White and current research support the concept that the ideal way to motivate a child is through positive reinforcement. This is not bribing a child, which can unfortunately have the opposite effect of teaching a child to only respond when they are rewarded. Positive reinforcement means giving children positive attention when they are doing good things and using incentives to bring out the best in them. A warm and loving relationship that maintains expectations is a more effective and “authoritative” parenting style than an “authoritarian” parenting style that merely asserts dominance.

“When my kids break something, I always try and make sure my first question is, ‘Are you OK?’ shares Alyssa. “I want them to know that the object is never more important than the child.”

Fighting Against Passive Parenting

Too often, parents leave the parenting to schools or electronic devices and media, passively allowing their children to entertain themselves for the sake of convenience. It’s easy to complain about the influence of social media rather than to take responsibility for being involved in our children’s lives.

For the Hwang household, Nancy and Zune learned that their kids operate best on a limited media diet. “We realized that after our children watched certain videos, their behavior and how they related to us as parents was notably worse,” shares Zune. Instead, Nancy says, “In our spare time and on Sabbaths, we try and spend quality family time together in service activities, visiting with others and going for walks.”

Alyssa says, “Being present and showing an interest in what they are doing makes all the difference. … I’ve learned that I need to listen more and talk less, because if I don’t listen, they stop speaking, and especially as they became teenagers and young adults, it is even more important to be able to have those open conversations with them. They need to know they can come to me, knowing they are loved and not judged.”

We Need Parenting Too

I (Hannah) always thought I was a patient person—until I became a parent! Just as we seek to train and discipline our children, God seeks to train and discipline us through our children.

Hebrews 12:9–10 reads, “We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness” (NIV).

Zune couldn’t agree more. “When I first got married, my wife helped me understand the New Testament—what it means to selflessly love her as Christ loved the church. But when I became a parent, the stories of the Old Testament really took on flesh and blood, and I began to fully appreciate what it meant to love my children as God loved His ‘children of Israel’, along with all the patience and disciplining it involves!”

While none of us had perfect earthly parents, knowing that God is the perfect parent who loves and forgives us when we make mistakes, empowers and motivates us to be the best parents possible. “Ultimately, we want to be even better than our parents were at raising us,” says Trent, “and hopefully when our children become parents, they will be better than us!”

The ‘ 3 Rs’ of Parenting

Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, recommends this non-traditional “3 Rs” method to help children—especially those who are highly sensitive or neurodiverse—learn, think and reflect during difficult situations.

Regulate: Many parents try to reason with their children when they are already “unregulated”— unable to control their emotions. This can be due to being tired, anxious, fearful or hungry. The first thing parents need to do is help their child control their emotions. They can model this by not reacting in anger. Parents may need to remove the child from an overstimulating environment or immediately address their underlying physical need.

Relate: Parents should remind their children that they love them unconditionally. Sometimes a child simply needs a hug. Withholding affection will only draw out the conflict longer.

Reason: After parents help calm the child down and meet their relational needs, only then can the child be reasoned with. Explaining things to children is always better than demanding they obey “because I told you so.”

‘10 Days of Compassion’ Results in 27 Baptisms

The Coastal Shores church in Virginia Beach, Va., and the Cedars of Lebanon church in Chesapeake, Va., recently hosted a “10 Days of Compassion” series, resulting in 27 baptisms. Keenan Tyler, pastor of both churches, was seeking an innovative way to reach the communities where he pastored. Daniel Hall, a colleague and pastor from the South Atlantic Conference, shared the “10 Days of Compassion” model with him.

Tyler was excited to begin and reached out to a team of Bible workers about their availability. Due to the cold weather during the first quarter of the year, Tyler thought it might not be “prime time” to hold a series. “The Holy Spirit told me to push ahead [anyway], and that’s what we did,” he says.

The churches advertised the series on social media and invited community members to register. Some registrants attended a service prior to the series, in which organizers distributed giveaways such as gift cards, diapers and groceries. There, Bible workers received attendees’ contact information to follow up with Bible studies.

When the “10 Days of Compassion” series arrived, a pregnant woman attended the event held at the Cedars of Lebanon church. Embracing her, members threw a baby shower for her. As a result, she and four family members and friends decided to be baptized. In total, 16 people were baptized into the Cedars of Lebanon church and 11 new believers into the Coastal Shores church.

“Our members were blown away. Being able to interact with people from all walks of life inspired them to do the work,” Tyler shares.

Conference To Host Conscience and Justice Convention

The Allegheny East Conference (AEC) will be hosting this year’s Conscience and Justice Council (CJC) convention, themed “When the Church Comes to Town: Promoting Liberty, Pursing Justice,” Sept. 28–Oct. 1, at the North American Division headquarters in Columbia, Md.

CJC is an annual gathering comprised of Public Affairs and Religious Liberty regional conference directors, college professors and other supporters. The purpose of the conference is to highlight ways church members can get involved in social justice issues.

“Social justice is the new community service,” shares Jackson M. Doggette, Jr., General Counsel and Public Affairs and Religious Liberty director for AEC, “and this appeals to the younger generation. We need everyone to be involved so people can see our love and concern to help them enjoy a better life.”

Rehoboth Church Focuses on Mental Health

Presenters Armina Domingue and Brandy Walker from Azulay Consulting recently educated, trained and nurtured the Rehoboth church members in Reading, Pa., in the area of emotional needs.

Under the pastoral leadership of Dorian Kelly, Rehoboth held a two-part presentation during the divine worship hour, themed “Healthy and Happy Church.” The duo highlighted Bible characters such as Elijah to illustrate that, even while being committed to God, no one is exempt from experiencing depression or other emotional issues.

The sanctuary became a safe haven for the congregation to ask questions and share experiences, ideas and hopes. One attendee says, “When I started sharing … I felt like other people understood exactly where I was coming from, and that I wasn’t alone.” Another visitor says, “My children needed to see and hear that all feelings are OK. I was not raised that way, so I needed help understanding this myself.”

The Azulay team polled the congregation to decide what topic would be most beneficial to them for the second part of the series. The subject of grief and loss prevailed due to recent losses that impacted the church body. Members learned about primary and secondary losses, the stages of grief and various types of losses.

Fourth Street Holds Fundraiser for Earthquake Survivors

The Fourth Street church in Washington, D.C., recently held a musical fundraiser for survivors from the Türkiye and Syria earthquakes. An array of local gospel and inspirational musical talent performed at the event, including international recording and national talent winners Bernadette and Winston Charles. Also featured was professional gospel/jazz saxophonist Mike Bohman, who has performed at a host of VIP events around the world.

Concert proceeds were given to the Adventist Development Relief Agency (ADRA), which has provided support for the millions displaced by the disaster. Organizers say they hope their event will serve as a catalyst for other churches and social organizations around the country to hold similar fundraising events to help relieve some of the suffering and pain the people are experiencing.

“Fourth Street Friendship is a church built on community service and outreach,” says Tinashe Mkorombindo, pastor. “We felt this was a great opportunity to shed light on an extremely important cause and encourage others locally and beyond to give back.”

Visit Fourth Street Friendship church’s YouTube channel to view the program.