cn_-_december_2021_web

As I entered my late thirties a few years back, life felt stagnant. Sure, I wasn’t starving, things were going good at work. But as I peered curiously into the forest of my soul, I saw only shade and no trees. Not so much darkness, not an abyss. Just the greyness of mediocrity. Unfulfilled. Soon after, I embarked on a voyage into a world of deep and rich hues that rekindled the passions lost since onset of adulthood.

When I was six, I had a sparkling new BMX from Canadian Tire. But I couldn’t ride it. Didn’t know how. Kids would ask at school where this new bike was. I told them it had been stolen. At last I learned how to ride, the last person in my grade. Who knew that one day cycling would be my rebirth. For others, they may seek peace in art, adventure on white-water, or invent technology that changes the world. For me, I was saved by 12 gears and the hum of tire rolling on pavement.

150km is a long ride. Even for a seasoned veteran. But it is the perfect distance. It starts with anticipation and nervousness. Then the pain begins as the heart begins to push the oxygen down into your calves. You leave the world behind as the body and mind begin to charge. The road ahead becomes shorter as you speed to your objective. The body relaxes, the mind becomes free. Colours become more vibrant. Then you come to the end, not yearning for more, but just satisfied. Like having finished a perfectly sized ale on a cool autumn night.

You start off fast, out of a gun, but you slow quickly. It’s going to be a long day. Can you make it? How horrible will you feel? Would it be wrong to quit now? It’s just so far. But I can do it. Right?

The wiser you become the less you know. That statement resonates through so many facets of the human condition. What are we really made of? How far can we push ourselves? Why push our ourselves? Why incur pain? Is it not meant to identify harm? Perhaps this is something that really makes us human. It could be why we are able to grow in so many different ways for years upon years. It could be exactly what feeds our curiosity to push our boundaries. The pain that stops us is just a small fence that when climbed, frees us into a lush pasture.

During the first stretch of a 150km ride, the adrenalin of the start wears off quickly. Pain electrifies through the nerves as your legs come to grips with what is happening. 10km in and your mind tells you to stop. Time barely moves. Mental barriers begin popping up left and right. But then they stop popping up. They start dissipating. One by one, they go as the pain subsides. You realize it is no longer easy to turn back, as you are 30km then 40km in. And you learned. You just did something. The hardest part is done? Perhaps. You just grew a little bit.

As we enter a journey, we exit another. And sometimes the journey we leave is our real saviour. Often, we get stuck in places, in ruts. How do we get out? Can we get out? Now Having overcome the pain, the first stretch of a ride leads to the mind to begin to lose tension. 40km down, but also 40km away from life. Stress begins to ooze out of the body. The grip on the bars loosens. For just a little while, life shifts to an even pace. Time begins to speed up. No surges, no roller coaster. No commute. You just settle on in. You find your happy place, and you start looking around and realizing you’ve been staring at your tire for 90 minutes. Ideas begin to drip ever so slightly, just like an old leaky faucet.

Freedom is a great thing. But why is it so hard to find? Why do allow ourselves to not be free? Perhaps freedom is but an ideal, a dream to reach for but not actually attainable. And in that it becomes an obstacle, too hard to reach, so why try. But like a horse that smells the barn, it sucks us in once we get a whiff. It becomes addictive as you push harder to reach it, and bringing some pain, but the type we have learned to ignore. Excitement. Adventure. The unknown ahead begins to appear.

You’re settled in. Cruising and the freedom fills your body. A sub-journey almost begins. You stop noticing your body. The sounds of the gears changing begin to sink into the background as the mind focuses on what is ahead. What is around the next bend? Instead of worrying about climbing the next hill, you begin to yearn to see what is after the next hill. What is hidden from view, awaiting discovery? An old house with its own story passes by and you wonder what stories does it have to tell. The 60km mark passes, but you don’t notice. Free on the open road

Okay, I guess we’re doing this. You get into a rhythm. It always starts out hard, but everything is loose and you are in the zone. Still full of energy, muscle memory has taken over, and your mind is now free to wonder.

People speak of hitting your peak or being in your prime. I used to think that way. And hey, there is nothing wrong with using climbing a mountain as a metaphor for life. But it feels to me like it symbolizes that we hit our objective at some point and the rest leaves nothing to be achieved. That scared me. And I don’t think it has to be that way. Going through my middle passage in life, I really want to keep pushing. Viewing it as all downhill is a choice. Yet again another small fence.

Halfway through the ride. There is plenty of riding to go, but it feels so good and it feels like gravity is now pulling you ahead. It doesn’t get physically easier, and you’ll start to tire, but this is the point where finishing will be shorter than turning back. Time starts flying and kilometres starting clicking away. All those mental barriers that were trying to stop you from getting to this halfway point are distant memories, as distant as all those difficulties I had learning to ride my bike all those years ago. Now the fun starts.

The world is so noisy and distracting sometimes. You don’t realize it until it is actually quiet. At that point, maybe you realize the noise almost suppresses part of your mind. It’s like it just keeps a part of your brain busy. When the real magic starts flowing, it just feels like a release. Like all of the ideas that have been forming and developing were somehow restricted from getting to a place where you could think about them. Does the mind run like a bureaucracy? Sorry, this idea cannot be processed for 4-6 weeks until we catch up on the backlog. Perhaps an exaggeration, but nonetheless there is something going in that complex contraption that is just waiting to come out.

So you’re 80km in, and you don’t notice. There is too much stuff going on. Your pace is good, you are not thinking of anything bike related. Just moving forward. Stress has left the mind, and you’re free to think in depth about all the things you haven’t had time to ponder. Lightbulbs start appearing above your head. The hamster wheel is flying! 90km gone, the magical century make of a 100km is reached. The unsorted files in your head are now becoming sorted and clarity ensues.

I love hitting the halfway point. Fatigue hasn’t set in yet, and you are just in a nice spot. You feel confident and ready to ride forever. Mind liberated, this is when all my best ideas materialize.

Stress has an end point. Maybe some will argue, but at some point, energy levels are restored, and freshness can return. Is this true for everyone? Well, I’m not sure. I suppose at some point everyone flatlines. This is really a peaceful period. A time to reflect on what you have been through and maybe even to “live in the etre” for a bit. Enjoy the day to day experience of life. The smalls things, the things that make you happy. Why can’t we find this more often? Makes you wonder. Maybe life just doesn’t work that way. Maybe it’s just the price of progress. But from time to time, it’s a good place to be.

30km left to go. The day is coming to an end. I’ve been through pain today, happiness, thoughtfulness, pride. Time to just soak it up. I honestly have nothing left to think about. Everything is sorted. Files put away. The desk is clean. I’m loving looking at the trees. Every kilometre is now a pleasure. The body is feeling tired, but I’m just too much in a happy spot to notice. Every tree, house, horse, car that goes by shares in my journey. It has been a pleasure.

Coming to the end of any journey can be sad. It can also be a relief! There are some many facets you go through during something like that. You still have to finish. Everything we go through changes who we are a little bit. And going full circle just makes it mean that much more. It gives you a chance to look back and reflect about how you’ve changed. How you’ve grown. What you’ve overcome. And many of things come at the end. When you need to dig deep, and find that last little piece of courage inside of your soul. It is your last source of fortitude.

It has been a great ride. So much has happened, but now it is time to end. 10km left. New spots are starting to hurt every minute. You can feel the salt crystallized on your face. But what is left Is nothing. I went through this before, at the beginning of the day. But now it is almost over. You dig. Keep pushing. I have gears, so there is no need to quit. Just think of the finish and the feelings that will soak in. Here comes the line. It’s over. Time for a beer.

The feeling when you finish a ride is very unique. When you finish a run, you feel the endorphins vibrating through your body. Same as after a game of hockey or a day out on the cross-country skis. When you finish a big ride, the endorphins are long gone. You just want to sit down and put your feet up.

There you have it. A 150km journey of emotions and growth. In many respects, you can relate a journey like this to any other. You have to push, you have to overcome. You have ups and downs. You really learn about yourself. You can be 85 and there is still so much of that left to do. With that, maybe you can find some peace from time to time. We pressure ourselves so much with anxieties, but we can remember, we can get through it.

I have learned so much from cycling and from what a long ride does for me. I got my fire back. I feel young again. I’m not afraid to try to news things. Compared to doing sports when I was young, it’s just so enriching. I understand now where why limits are and where I can do better. I understand that with mental clarity takes work and maintenance. Treat it like you would treat anything fine and it will show you a world that you never knew you had inside of you.

When I look back into that forest of my soul, where I saw only shade, I now see all the different trees. Big ones, small ones. Tall, short, twisted, fallen. They were always there I just didn’t see them.