Let’s Talk About Bullying

Not in the same way everyone else does.

Kelly Karius.

Let’s talk about bullying. Not in the same way everyone else does though. In the past we’ve acknowledged bullying as a problem with children. Kids are mean. Kids are bad. Boys will be boys and there will always be mean girls.

We’ve acknowledged bullying as a problem with schools. We have speakers in to talk with them and share stories. Sometimes we leave students with more trauma than they walked in with…and we don’t follow up properly. We’ve acknowledged bullying as a problem with families. Families with problems, parents who aren’t involved enough, parents who are using poor conflict management skills and passing them on to their children.

What we haven’t done is acknowledged that bullying is a problem with behavior. Not one person’s behavior - as has happened so often in the past - let’s change the “bully”! Let’s train some empathy into this person! Let’s confront their family and make them do better!! We haven’t acknowledged that bullying is a problem that includes everyone’s behavior - yes, of course the person using bully actions, and yes, of course their family. But there is more.

We ALL use both bully actions and victim responses at times. Everyone. From professional to pre-school student. I’m here to encourage parents and teachers to examine this idea. To look at the dynamics differently. This is a true story. I’m presenting to a grade five room. I start off by asking, “Who in here is a bully? Put up your hand!” One hand flies up. Someone else’s hand starts to raise, then lowers. Then the snickering starts…kids pointing at other kids, some heads nodding, some heads shaking…this is embarrassing! What a crazy question!

Then I start again. “Okay! Not too many hands raised! Let’s try something else! Who in here has ever…” and I begin my list of bully actions…. • left someone out on purpose? • hit someone? • kicked someone? • called someone a name? • talked about someone behind their back?

And the hands go up and up and up. So we know that children can acknowledge their individual bully actions, even if they don’t claim the label of “bully”. When we remove the labels of victim and bully, focus on behavior, and clarify the definition of bullying, we change the dynamics.

When a school contacts a parent to tell them that their child has been labelled a bully, a mismatch of perceptions is instantly created. A parent gets defensive, wonders what the school thinks of their family, and resists solutions. Rather than the label, when a parent is approached with facts about the bully actions their child is using, a different dynamic is achieved. Most parents will not see their child by the label bully. They can, however, acknowledge that at times their child can use antagonistic or difficult behaviours. It’s the same presentation and my time is completely melted away so I close the presentation. I go up to one boy who had his hand up and said, "Sorry I didn't get to your question...what's up?" "You know how people want you to tell the truth and then get mad when you do?" "Yeah, that can happen for sure."

"Well, what do you do?" "Can you give me an example of what you mean?"

"Yes, I'm supposed to tell my mom when I have a problem with my sister. So I do, I say 'she's a retard, or she's stupid,' and my mom gets mad."

"okay, so it's your truth that she's a retard, or that she's stupid, right?" "right."

"but it's not your mom's so then she gets mad."

Thoughtful look...."right." "I'd like you to try this, when something happens, describe EXACTLY what happened. Don't use any words like stupid or retard, but just say...my sister broke my game, or my sister went in my room. Just exactly what is happening."

Finger to his lips...thoughtful look. "Hm. That's a good idea. I'll try that."

It’s possible to get so disturbed by children’s behavior that we attach the behavior to the

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child. That’s a label, and it’s hard to shake off. The more clearly we are able to communicate about bully actions and victim responses, the more of a handle we can have on the whole situation.

Victim responses can be seen when people feel and act in ways that promote helplessness. “There’s nothing I can do”, “Nothing will ever change.” This happens when thought patterns are pervasively negative and skills are lacking. No matter what types of behaviour are being used, the answer is to develop skills that promote communication, balanced thinking, internal and external calmness. These are strategies for confidence.

They need skills that help them positively build their self-concept, balance their thinking, increase their self-confidence, gain empathy and understanding, and learn superior communication skills.

Welcome to a new way of thinking about bullying, and a brand new bullying definition. An HBV Frame of Reference contains the aspects of having a desire to hurt, and using harmful actions to create a sense of superiority and to control situations and people around them.

When the HBV Frame of Reference is combined with hurtful and repeated action against someone who carries or may be prone to a HVR Frame of Reference, a bullying situation takes place. The HVR Frame of Reference contains a sense of vulnerability and helplessness. They feel incapable of protecting themselves and they portray responses that entertain and contribute to the illusion of the other person’s sense of power and control. We all have the capacity to bully others in particular situations and under certain conditions. But few of us will actually identify ourselves as bullies. For this reason, the phrases HBV Frame of Reference and HVR Frame of Reference are used here, rather than the words bully and victim. This provides a way to assess which behaviors and attitudes constitute the Frames of Reference, and eliminate these actions and attitudes. In this way, we work to eliminate negative behavior, rather than eliminating or denigrating people.

The definition illustrates a fundamental power imbalance. It is when the power between people is unbalanced that bullying actions can escalate to a bullying situation.

Bystander behavior is a bully action when it supports negative power. Some bystanders feel the same emotions and intentions as the person using the bully actions. These are active supporters, and they are using bully actions as well. Some bystanders do not feel the contempt, control, desire to hurt and enjoyment that is required to define a bully action, but they may not stand up in defense of others because of fear, lack of self-confidence, or lack of knowledge about what to do. Ultimately, children need to know about all three of the groups of behavior – HBV Frame of Reference, HVR Frame of Reference and bystander behaviors. They need skills that help them positively build their self-concept, balance their thinking, increase their self-confidence, gain empathy and understanding, and learn superior communication skills. It’s time for a change. Time for adults to learn all these skills so they can share them with those in their care. Learn more about The No Such Thing as a Bully System at nosuchthingasabully.com

Black History

“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality…. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Never be limited by other people’s limited imaginations.”

—Dr. Mae Jemison, first African-American female astronaut

“If the only time you think of me as a scientist is during Black History Month, then I must not be doing my job as a scientist.”

—Neil deGrasse Tyson

NASA, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”

—Coretta Scott King

“In recognizing the humanity of our fellow beings, we pay ourselves the highest tribute.”

—Thurgood Marshall, first African American U.S. Supreme Court member

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” —Barack Obama