Mental Health. Youth. Parents

“1 Step at a time. You don't have to have your life mapped out. As you move through your learning or job prospects you get clues to thing’s you're good at or things that light you up, pay attention to these moments or events, they will lead you to the next clue and eventually when you've collected enough clues the layout of where your life is leading you will be more clear. No one ever has it all figured out in the beginning of the journey.” - Liz MacRae

Three Things I Wish I Had Known

Maureen Towns

My oldest son Sam’s hopeless-

ness and desperation hit a peak toward the end of June 2013. He was 21 years old, and a year earlier he had experienced a psychotic break that had left him hospitalized. The year had been one crisis after another; dropping out of university, hopeless nights drinking alone, and suicide attempts. Right about the time of the 2013 Calgary flood, he was talking about wanting to die. He agreed to be taken to an emergency department for assessment and was admitted to a psychiatric unit, again. As Canada Day, July 1, approached, the plan was to head to the hospital as a family with snacks in tow and play a game of Monopoly.

We were regularly interrupted by other patients, one of whom carried the distinct odour of urine, and by the nurses, who were doing their 30-minute safety checks. I felt increasingly sad, increasingly agitated, and irritable as the day wore on. Sam’s dad, Steve, seemed exhausted as we left. The day had taken a toll on him too. Our second son, Ben who didn’t live with us at the time, had spent the day trying to cheer Sam up. Sydney, our third child was characteristically quiet and our youngest, Ally, spent the day on her cell phone texting someone and smiling to herself.

The whole city seemed to be rallying to help with flood cleanup efforts, and that evening, Ally, then 15 years old came to our room and excitedly asked for permission to pitch in with friends we’d never met. I was concerned, not only about the prospect of her heading off with strangers, but also about some of the risks associated with flood cleanup. Bacteria multiplies in stagnant water and water-damaged homes are a hotspot for potentially harmful mould. Protective gear was recommended for all people helping with the cleanup. We didn’t have what she needed, and we couldn’t go with her, so we told her she had to stay home. She was visibly deflated, despite our reasoning.

A year and a half earlier, Ally had started self-harming at 13 years of age. It started with a few cuts on her forearms, but had progressed as we struggled with various counsellors, therapists, medications, and services until we were referred to a psychiatrist. Finding bloody tissues, new sharp objects in her room, and fresh cuts on her body had become regular occurrences.

“Here we go,” I thought. “She’s going to do something stupid.” Minutes later, I went to her room, gave a cursory knock, and opened the door. I was horrified. There she was, razor in hand, cutting her forearm. I feel nauseous just recalling how raw her arm looked. There sat my little girl on the edge of her bed, open wounds sliced into her arm. Her forearm looked like hamburger, and blood was dripping thickly and clotting on a Kleenex. I didn’t react well. I’m not proud to admit that I snapped at her. I told her abruptly to clean herself up. I took the razor away. I feel such sadness as I reflect back on that experience with Ally. I didn’t have the capacity or knowledge to give her what she needed. Instead, all my frustration with not knowing how to help my kids manifested in my short, clipped reprimand.

Ben, our second son, now 20 years old, had spent the past two years trying to get sober. When he was 18, we had conducted an intervention and sent him to drug treatment across the country. The treatment centre was closed before he completed the program, and he relapsed within 6 weeks of returning home. Since then, he’d moved in and out of our home, intermittently vowing to get healthy and get a job, then relapsing and occasional homelessness.

Sydney our third child spent most of her time in her room. She was 16 years old and hadn’t needed anything extraordinary from us. In fact, she’d done her best not to need even ordinary parenting. Sydney’s an introvert and I rationalized her time alone as time to recharge. Frankly, I was just grateful she was in her room, safe and sound, since I could not say the same about our other three kids – they seemed constantly on the brink of catastrophe and my capacity for being needed was at its limit. I have since learned that Sydney too was struggling. She was in her room, but she was not safe and sound; she was depressed, sometimes suicidal, and self-harming.

Over the course of three years, I had worn myself out trying to manage, control, cajole, bully, and pray to the point that I was exhausted and feeling hopeless. Ten years later, I have some time to reflect on how things went. Today, I know things didn’t have to get so dark; there are things I wish I had known that could have made a difference.

With help, I did eventually learn to feel my feelings which allowed me to be more empathetic when my kids were struggling.

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I wish I had known how to accept and feel my own feelings so I could help my kids accept and feel theirs.

The behaviours my kids were using; selfharm, excessive alcohol and drug use were all about coping with strong and unpleasant feelings. My kids, like me, had not learned how to accept and feel those feelings. Instead, like me, they sought comfort and distraction externally. For me, the distraction was trying to manage other people. For them, it was substances or overwhelming physical pain as a distraction from emotional pain.

With help, I did eventually learn to feel my feelings which allowed me to be more empathetic when my kids were struggling. Ally’s cutting became less frequent, but in 2015 I again opened Ally’s bedroom door to find her cutting her arms. Her face told me she expected the usual admonition and anger. Instead, I considered how she must be feeling—possibly frustrated, sad, anxious, and ashamed, and I tapped into those same feelings in myself. I told her that I loved her and was sorry that she was struggling. I said, “It must be so difficult to deal with how you’re feeling, Ally,” and then I crawled into bed and snuggled with her. I remember her crying and my heart hurting as I felt her sadness. I let her know that I believed in her and her ability to get better and that slips were bound to happen. It was another moment of grace for me, connecting with her in compassion and love instead of my usual anger, fear, and frustration.

I wish I had known that validating emotions is not the same as validating behaviours, and it leads to connection.

I felt so close to Ally that night. I felt so much better equipped to be her mom, to just love and accept her; to sit with her in her darkness rather than run for the light. Gone was the old panic, fear, and pressure that had made me so reactive in years prior. I’d been practicing self-care and I’d learned validation skills. Validation is the affirmation that another person’s feelings are valid and OK. It is an authentic connection through that recognizes and affirms that we are not alone.

I was finally able to support Ally instead of adding to her shame and misery. We have talked recently about that night as a turning point in our relationship. Today, Ally describes her self-harm years as being desperately lonely for her. She talks about a feeling of emptiness, of feeling bad and not knowing it was abnormal or temporary. She says she needed help but didn’t know how to ask for it. She says she needed someone who she felt was on her side, instead of someone judging her and getting angry when she self-harmed.

As I had learned to accept myself, I had also learned to accept others. All of this led to empathy and a genuine feeling of connection when we both needed it most.

I wish I had known how important it was to nurture and spend time on relationships with the child who was not demanding my time.

Sydney had been flying under the radar, and I had let her. Not noticing Sydney’s struggles is one of my biggest regrets of raising my kids. My heart sinks when I consider how alone she might have felt watching her siblings take up all our time and energy, and us just letting them have it, one crisis at a time, over the course of years, until there was nothing left for her.

I’d missed Sydney’s formative teen years completely and I cannot get that time and opportunity to mother her back. Today, I would be very intentional about spending time with her. It’s critical to make time and spare energy for those who are not in crisis; to nurture the relationships that matter but that don’t necessarily demand our attention. Had I done this, Sydney may have grown into adulthood better equipped to handle her own feelings, anxieties, fears, etc.

Today, I firmly believe that had I learned to accept and feel my own feelings, to validate the feelings of others, and to be intentional about nurturing my relationships with my children who were not in active crisis, our family’s journey to peace and recovery would have been much, much shorter, not to mention less painful. I wish I had learned those lessons earlier, and I have compassion for myself that I did, and will continue to do my very best.

Should I be concerned about my quiet anxious teen?

In the teen years, the more commonly known issues teens face is spending too much time with friends and engaging in more risky behaviors.

Tracy Quillet

At the age of 17, Daniel, an introverted young man, seems to have no real friends, spends the majority of time in his room on his computer and rarely opens up about how he is doing.

He never used to be like this. As a parent, when you remember back to when he was younger, vivid memories show up of him being happy and carefree. He was always a quiet child and seemed more sensitive than other kids but he wasn’t shut down like he is now.

Over the past few years, you have watched him retreat more and more into his own world. For a while you assumed this was because

of the impact of Covid. Lots of parents are witnessing the negative impact of the social isolation of their teens. But if you really sit with how he has been doing since junior high, you can see that things had already started to become problematic before Covid arrived on the scene.

The struggle of Junior High

For quiet teens like Daniel, the issues often start showing up in junior high school. And it’s tricky with these kids because often the indication that there is a problem is because of what they aren't doing.

In the teen years, the more commonly known issues teens face is spending too much time with friends and engaging in more risky behaviors. With the quieter kids it is the opposite. It is what they aren’t doing that becomes concerning. But because their struggles are often hidden behind the keyboard of their computer, it can be hard to really determine how much they are struggling.

The Extrovert Ideal

In Susan Cain’s book: Quiet; The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking, she describes a concept called the extrovert ideal. This ideal says that being an extrovert is the desired outcome for all of us. It overvalues those that speak more and sees quietness as a deficiency in need of correction. The impact of this is that by the time quiet kids get to junior high, they have heard in multiple ways and from multiple people that there is something wrong with them. The more they believe that there is something wrong with being quiet, the more they dislike themselves. The result of not liking themselves is either being too accommodating in friendships or avoiding peers as they assume no one would want to be their friends. In my counseling practice where I specialize in working with teens and young adults who are quiet, sensitive, and overwhelmed with life, these are the two ways that I see them struggle.

To illustrate what this looks like, I will discuss two different types of quiet teens that I see. First we will start with the struggles of Daniel and then we will look at Tina.

Key indicators that Daniel is struggling:

• He only connects with peers online

• He rarely opens up about anything

• If you ask him too many questions ( too many might only be three) he quickly becomes overwhelmed and angry

• He spends most of his time gaming

• His marks are poor and it hasn’t always been like this

• He seems to easily get overwhelmed and emotional over seemingly small things

Daniel might be labeled as lazy due to how much time he spends on the computer but it is often a way to manage anxiety. If he is struggling in school, teens like Daniel often have a difficult time asking teachers for help. So instead of doing school work, they avoid it so they can avoid feeling anxious.

Tina’s struggles look different but often come from the same place. Teens like Tina work very hard and often receive many positive messages for their strong work ethic. When I see teens like this in my clinic, what often stands out for me is how burnt out they are.

Key Indicators that Tina is struggling:

• When you make a small request of her, she quickly becomes overwhelmed

• When she is doing homework, she sometimes will cry or become quite angry if she is struggling to understand

• She has friends and is often taking care of them by listening to their problems, helping them with their school work, and responding diligently to the many texts she receives from them

• She stays up late night after night studying and still feels like she hasn’t done enough • She is anxious about doing poorly in school and almost always has high grades

• She has a hard time relaxing

A possible missing piece

Many quiet people are also highly sensitive. Dr. Elaine Aron has been researching this area for many years. It is an innate personality trait that is not well known or understood. Highly sensitive people make up 15-20% of the population.

Common characteristics of highly sensitive people are that they feel their emotions deeply and can feel the emotions of others as well.

They are also sensitive to textures, smells, and being hungry or tired. My middle child is highly sensitive so buying socks is often an ordeal. If the sock doesn’t feel ‘right’ there is no chance he will wear it. And if something emotional is happening he either is very emotional or shut down.

Highly sensitive people are more impacted by their physical environment as they are noticing so much more than non-sensitive people. This can make school a very overwhelming place to be at times.

Highly Sensitive males

In my practice, I have seen the negative impact on males who are highly sensitive. These young men are often shamed for acting like a girl due to their soft, tender nature. They don’t fit the mold that says males should be strong, quick decision makers, aggressive if necessary. The unfortunate consequence is that sometimes these really lovely humans have such a strong dislike for themselves.

How to help your quiet teen

The first thing I always recommend for parents is to learn more about introversion and highly sensitive people. The more you

understand your quiet teen, the better able you are to support them.

I have two quiet teens of my own and over the years I have helped them see who they are and the gifts that come with this. The impact is that when they do hear negative messages about their quiet nature, it has very little impact on them because they don’t see this as a bad quality.

The next recommendation is to help them learn skills to manage anxiety and overwhelm. One way to do this is remaining calm as they escalate. Our calm energy can help them calm down. I used to escalate as my son escalated and this never ended well.

The third recommendation is to determine if they might benefit from professional help. This can sometimes be hard to determine in quiet teens due to the lack of sharing. A key issue to help to determine if professional help is needed is looking at the quality of their friendships as well as how often they are anxious.

In regards to relationships, quiet people tend to have a small circle of friends. If your teen doesn’t have friends, it is quite possible they are struggling with how they feel about themselves. We all need friends.

In looking at anxiety, if your teen often becomes anxious and it is interfering in their life this is also a sign it can be helpful to work with someone who understands quiet teens and anxiety.

When quiet teens are understood, accepted, and loved for all of who they are, they can become confident and like who they are. To learn more about quiet teens and young adults, go to quietpathways.com

Mental Health Tip of the Month: Make Gratitude your Attitude

Feeling grateful is a sure-fire way to improve your mood.

Emotions of gratitude have even been found to create positive shifts in our brain.

Gratitude mixes well with mindfulness, a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment.

Try this helpful daily practice by concentrating on five different things for which you’re grateful that pertain to each of the five senses, as in something you can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.

Notice how your happiness setpoint changes.

http://www.fabulousat50.com

Identity: a short piece by Hayden Taylor, Grade 8 Student.

Grade 8 student at Bridgetown School in Nova Scotia

I’m a prince, I’m well known everywhere, I’m royalty, I even fence. These are expectations, iIm expected to be and do this, I was born into doing this, no matter where I go how far I run, i’ll always be ‘his royal highness Prince Henry Edward Astley’ I’m trapped in this body, a body I don't want, a body i’ll never understand, a body I stare at and ask ‘why god?’ why me?” I often think i’m not fit for the role I was born to do, my body isn’t a prince. It’s a ‘commoner’ as my father refers them to. It’s just not right and it’ll never be right, I can’t do anything to escape my body and i’ve come to terms with this fact, my sister thinks i’m dramatic. I’m supposed to be perfect, perfect face, perfect mind, perfect academics, perfect. I sit in front of my mirror as I often do letting these thoughts race in my head, I don’t know how long I had been out but I heard my sister shout out to me

‘Henry! Dinner!’

I bounced up and ran to get dressed ‘proper’ instead of my sweatpants it’s dress pants. Yay.

I speed walk down our many hall ways, long old, antiques everywhere. It was constant growing up, do not break the vases. The consequences in my ‘house’ were interesting, not what others may consider normal, but for us it was. I went in to meet my mother, she was still a princess since our grandmother was still alive, she had set the table with everything I didn’t eat often I usually only ate one meal a day because of this ‘perfect’ body I had to maintain, and there we go again back to the topic of perfect, Casper doesn’t have to be perfect, I guess they don’t have a whole nation looking over him, watching his every move needing to know everything about him, right down to his favourite colour. Because I was born into the role of ‘prince’ I do not like this role I do not want this role, I never wanted to be king,but I have no choice to who I want to be its about who I have to be, no matter how far I run i’ll always be trapped in the body with the set role that my mind just wants to run from. No one but Casper knows I hate my role, not even sister knows, my sister. Now she’s perfect, she loves everything life has given her, she loves her role as a princess, she eats so much and still looks perfect to the nations eye, we don’t talk much but she acts like she knows how perfect she is and makes me mad she knows, I wish for one day she could feel how I do, wanting nothing to do with this dumb family, some days it doesnt even feel like a family. I just want it to all go away. Does this make me selfish? Am I a selfish person for not wanting any of this? I don’t even know who I am anymore, i’m a shadow of a person, born with blueprints that cannot be changed. And I hate it.