grief: a regular person's perspective

I am a regular woman who is about to talk to you about something that maybe only authorities on the matter should. But first, my lack of credentials: I'm a wife, a mom and a career woman. I do a morning radio show with great people. Our jobs are fun because we get to entertain music lovers who want to know about celebrities and things going on in our community. You might see me writing here in Area Woman about lifestyle and kids’ stuff — more light, and fun stuff.

As a person that has a job in the media, I try to keep things real and show my imperfectly human side while doing my job, or parenting. So, “real talk” then. I'm going to share a very "regular" thing that absolutely sucks. It's regular because it's common. And something I have no pedigree in giving guidance on. However, sometimes “real talk” from a regular Joe is exactly what is needed.

The loss of a child.

I've been a quiet contributor of Area Woman for a few articles because I'd been really sick with severe morning sickness (Yay — a baby! Boo — so sick you can barely function and have no energy for any extras like your fun job and side gigs). I had finally passed the halfway point. I made it up to 23 weeks in my pregnancy and something happened.

We lost our baby girl.

One day she was squirming and growing. And then one day she was not. Really, that was it — with a tender hand squeeze by the midwife, saying, "I should see the chest move indicating a heartbeat and I do not."

All of our dreams for our growing family, our regular, but "perfect to us" life, no more.

Our baby had died.

Insert the part where a grief professional, a counselor, a pastor, an authority on loss and grief management steps in this article. Only nope — it's still me. The regular lady who makes jokes on the radio, burns the meatloaf, and forgets her kids’ dentist appointments steps in.

You and I. We may have something in common. If you are one in four women reading this who has gone through this experience, you are me. You have had a miscarriage. I have too. It is devastating. If you are one of those four women, then you may have also had a baby you went through the pain of labor and delivery with, and got to hold; but never heard cry and never needed your milk. You are me. Us — one in four that may have carried that baby full term, whose angel was born looking as perfect as a newborn, but instead never took a breath. You too belong with us.

I cover the checklist of the “one in four” women with a few ticks. Come to find out my handful of devastations can be a mere blip on the radar to some regular women who have had to endure that pain by the tens or dozens of times.

Friends, ladies, women — this is very regular. When 25 percent of us have lost a baby, those stats are too common to not be talked about more. Too high to still feel like it’s taboo to bring up.

I just went through this hell in November, on my husband’s birthday. It was the worst thing my heart and body has ever, ever, ever had to endure. One morning my six month belly was distended and hard with babe, and the next morning my distended pregnant belly was soft and empty. The world looks at me and sees pregnant. But I am not. I'm a devastated form who is afraid to answer questions; who doesn't want to make eye contact in passing; who only wants to cry and mourn and wallow in the hurt all alone. And you know what? That reaction for me and women just like me? Regular. Totally normal feelings and reactions to loss.

I have a stack of brochures from the hospital and the funeral home. I have books about infant loss and grief. I have pastor visits and grief counselors’ messages I could regurgitate to you. But, dear sweet readers, if you are me, you have all that same stuff. It is really good and helpful stuff. However, instead this is regular old me sharing with you a very unpolished and real message.

You will hurt.

You will make some bad decisions, despite good advice.

You will want to disappear.

This won't get better. Not like you want it too anyway, because you won't get to reverse time and take the loss away.

You will be different. Maybe this grief will set you on a path of depression and deep despair. That would be normal too.

You will feel this and relive it in some way every day.

You don't want to hear this side when you are in the valley of grief, but, there is always hope.

You will connect with regular people that have endured the unthinkable: miscarriages, stillbirth and infant loss. The solidarity will bring some love to your brokenness. It can bring you comfort.

You will smile and laugh again — I hated to at first because I felt guilty. But tears and laughter seem to go hand in hand for some reason. I have four incredible kids who are funny and dynamic so this therapy helped my soul. I pray you allow laughter in.

People will say dumb stuff, usually unintentionally. I have actually heard, “At least you have four kids at home.” That is not something grieving parents necessarily take solace in. We are aware of our blessings. We are also very aware of the gaping hole in our chest where our lost children are.

There is more, but folks this hell is still so fresh for me that I'm in a valley and I don't necessarily trust what advice I can offer, but I felt it very important to have a real conversation that is raw, and from a regular person. I wanted to share, because “one in four” being talked about will help someone not feel like they are alone.

We now feel much more comfortable talking about these losses in 2019. I wanted you to know that this article wasn't about one family's loss. It's about the losses of one in four.

It's about the woman sitting a couple chairs down. Maybe you know her story. Maybe you don't have a clue. That's what I have learned so far. We are more common than you think. Regular and normal women.

If there is a take-away from my ramblings, it's the old adage, "Be kind. You never know what someone is going through.” [ aw ]

FEBRUARY 5, MARCH 5 and APRIL 2

6:00 – 7:15 PM

"Living with Grief" is our monthly drop-in meeting on the first Tuesday of the month held at Boulger Funeral Home. A topic on loss and grief begins our conversation for the evening. for more info: boulgerfuneralhome.com

These meetings are led by our Grief Support Coordinators Sonja Kjar and Ann Jacobson. 701-237-6441 griefsupport@boulgerfuneralhome.com