& to have to hold

Empowering Couples To Realize Their Happily Ever

after

Banquet room for 300 guests?

$1000. Flowers? $3,500. The dream marriage we hope we already did everything in our power to realize? Priceless. But is picking the "right one" the only real power we have when it comes to a dream marriage? Our culture would sometimes seem to tell us that.

If you find yourself worrying over that same question, Wendy Regner, licensed professional counselor assures, “There is no right one!” And she encourages, “You have the power to make it great.” Regner, the founder of To Have & To Hold Couples Care, works with many couples — starting as young as their late teens to well into their 80’s — helping them discover that power together in order to learn, prepare, nurture, or heal.

Regner’s passion stems from a deeper calling to her work. “I didn’t choose this profession, it chose me … rather, God chose it for me,” she says. “And who am I to argue with Him!” Her work includes couples counseling, premarital preparation and individual counseling through Journey of Hope counseling. Regner also offers group support, providing both enrichment and educational opportunities for individuals and couples to learn new tools and to learn from others; reminding them that they are not alone and their experiences are not isolated, unique or unfixable. It can be an incredible encouragement to hear, “I’m there,” or, “I’ve been there too.”

But if experiencing the best relationship possible is merely a phone call away, what keeps us from taking that first step? For many, the fear that something is wrong with us attacks our confidence. Regner offers comfort. “Seeing a counselor is not unlike taking care of our physical health and going for check-ups,” she explains. “Bringing in a third party brings perspective to your relationship health.” She empowers couples and individuals to see who they are for themselves, and not to not let the worry about other people’s perspectives or opinions keep them from experiencing an even better relationship. In fact, fear of judgment is what keeps many couples from seeking help. For couples that are just starting out, or even for those married a long time, Regner advises, “Do not say what you think the other person wants to hear. Be real, be honest. It might be uncomfortable at first, but years of build-up and resentment will result if you don’t.”

Another common worry Regner addresses when couples first meet her is the fear she will take sides, “I don’t take sides, instead my role is to be an interpreter as you are often communicating in different emotional languages.”

Focusing on how both individuals are speaking to one another is one aspect of the care she provides couples. Among many of the different tools Regner provides, she helps couples identify which of the five “love languages” they speak. Originally noted in Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, those love languages might be words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service or receiving gifts. Discovering each other’s language is one thing, but learning how to speak your partner’s is a whole other. “If you’ve ever learned a second language you have some idea of the challenge,” Regner explains. The process takes practice outside her office to experience success and discussion inside her office to work through challenges and make adjustments.

Yet the rewards couples experience are worthwhile. Regner describes one woman’s joy as she shared with her that things started to take a turn for the couple when Regner asked her, ”Are you trusting his heart?” Now whenever the woman is fearful, anxious or angry, she says she asks herself that question, and it completely changes her perspective. Regner says couples also note that their children become calmer as the two of them work on their relationship. In addition to love languages, Regner also uses communication building tools, emotional intimacy building processes, attachment theory, and educating about perceptions of love and respect to give couples tools to work through challenges or take their relationship from good to great. And regardless of where couples start, she promises, “It is never too early and it is never too late.”

So amidst the rollercoaster of emotions you might have as you prepare for your big day, Regner offers this last piece of advice, “As long as you see marriage as a process instead of an end goal, you will succeed in it.” words by ALICIA UNDERLEE NELSON | photography by ABBY ANDERSON