surviving or thriving IN CHANGE

WORDS : WENDY REGNER

If there’s something we’ve all experienced in recent months, it’s CHANGE!

Our lives have been upended in many ways. We’ve adapted to different rhythms, expectations, stresses, schedules, access to people and (ironically) the ability to get time alone. Whew!

So ... How are you doing?

How is your marriage/relationship holding up under the strain of all the change it’s been asked to carry recently?

As a couples’ counselor I get a front-row seat to those new and aggravated issues couples are dealing with in their marriages and families. I also get to see the creative ways they conquer those challenges and thrive. I’d like to offer some encouragement and some tools for keeping your relationship strong and healthy based on the issues I see most often in my practice these days.

One of my favorite tools for that is Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s Strong Relationship House Model. The model has seven layers. I know, it sounds like a lot. And, to be honest, it can be a little dry. I’m going to try to put them in relatable, “real life” terms, so hang with me.

THE SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE, Wendy style:

1. Knowing one another’s world

Are you checking in with each other? Simple questions like, How are you? What do you need? and How can I help? show that the condition of your spouse’s heart is important to you.

2. Shared fondness and admiration

What are some of your favorite things about your partner? Have you told them that lately? Never underestimate how much meaning there is in a simple, You’re amazing! I can’t wait to spend time with you! or, I’m so thankful you’re my partner in this life.

3. Turn towards, instead of away

When you’re feeling pressure, tension or disappointment from your spouse it’s easy to back away. But that can backfire and leave you both feeling isolated. What would it look like if instead you said, Wow, this is so hard but I’m glad we’re in it together? You know, I like you! or, Hey, can we talk?

4. Positive perspective

Are you an optimist or a pessimist? The answer to that question will directly influence your ability to have a positive perspective when faced with challenges. But when you show some hopeful determination and have a “we’ve got this” approach, it will affect not only your mindset about the situation but be a boost to your partner and family as well.

5. Manage confl ict

There are several different conflict styles: collaboration, avoidance, compromise, accommodation and competition. Knowing each other’s conflict style will help you manage it more effectively and cut down on frustration. Talk about these styles and see which resonate for each of you. How do they mesh (or not)?

6.

Make life dreams come true

Dreaming as a couple creates excitement and knits your hearts together. This season of slowed-down life has been a great opportunity to revisit some of those dreams, maybe even dust them off and put them into motion. Now, not every dream can come true. But why not ask each other, If we could embark on one of those dreams today, what would it be?

7. Create shared meaning

What are some things you’ve always loved doing together? Are you still doing them? It could be as simple as going for walks, cooking together or watching movies. Or as big as a home improvement project (yes, some couples love doing them together), working on a car, or learning a new language. Don’t stay in my box here, come up with your own!

Finally, those layers are held in place by the sturdy walls of trust and commitment.

Now it’s time to do an inspection and see how your relationship house has weathered the recent winds of change. If it’s in great shape, awesome! Way to go! If not, don’t panic or get discouraged. Today is a new day and the perfect day to start rebuilding. And I’d love to partner with you in doing so.

WENDY REGNER To Have and To Hold Couples Care

Wendy is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Fargo. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), American Counseling Association (ACA), a Certified SYMBIS Pre-marital Preparation Facilitator, and a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.